Baby sleeps only while being held
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Baby sleeps only while being held
February 2003
Help! My 3 week old son wants to be held all the time. I cannot
put him down without him crying within 5-20 minutes. He sleeps
with me at night, and other than that, only sleeps if someone is
holding him. I've tried white noise and womb sounds. Everyone
keeps saying he's too little to have him cry it out. He's barely 8
pounds. Thanks for any advice.
lee
When we had this problem we discovered that our newborn would
sleep in the carseat, or in the reclined stroller.
Unfortunately, later we had to wean him from sleeping reclined
and have him learn to sleep more flat, but we were able to wait
until he was a few months old (though he slept in the carseat
far longer than we would have liked.) We ended up buying a
special wedge that went under the crib sheet so he would be
somewhat reclined, but it was not until he was about 5 months
old that he would sleep in the crib consistently. I think it was
worth it not to have to hold him constantly, which was
exhausting and we wouldn't have gotten much sleep. It is worth a
try, good luck.
Laura
Have you invested in a sling? Try wearing him a sling so that
your hands are free but you don't have to put him down. 3 weeks
is still very very young, he doesn't know that he's not still a part
of your body, so by keeping him close you'll help him to feel
secure so that you will be able to put him down eventually. I
know it's a hassle to have to schlep a baby around everywhere
you go, but at least the sling will provide you with some freedom
to use your arms and hands
Jill
This sounds totally normal. It won't last for ever. In a matter
of weeks he'll be interested enough in staring at the world
around him that you can put him down for longer. And he'll just
keep getting more independent.
I read something interesting in, I think, one of the Sears books:
Human babies emerge much less developed than most animal babies
(much more dependent, for longer) so think of the first 9 mos.
out of the womb as the second half of gestation. That means a lot
of holding.
For now, get a sling and a baby bjorn. Let him sleep in the sling
while you read. (At some point you might find you can slip the
sling off and put it on the bed or in a crib and he'll remain
asleep. It will smell like you, which will help.) Get a headset
and you can chat on the phone while he's eating or sleeping. And
nap with him because you probably need more sleep! If friends are
still offering to help, enlist them in some babyholding, while
you cook or shower or do whatever you need to do. Go out to cafes
with him in a sling or baby bjorn.
Good luck.
mary
You might try a bouncy seat. Take off the stimulating toy bar and
turn on the vibrator. Our two kids slept well in the seat (make
sure you get one that reclines nice and far) and it had the
advantage of being a safe, portable place to put them while they
were awake. They could watch us work and do things and nod off if
they were sleepy.
virginia
Most newborns want to be held all the time. It's the nature of
a baby. Get a sling that is comfortable for you (the new native
sling seems really good for young ones and are often on
Marketplace on this list.)
annon
Most 3 week olds want to be, need to be, and should be held and
cuddled as much as possible. You are its mama, it is your baby -
follow your instincts, not the dominant paradigm (detachment
parenting). It really is ok to hold your baby as much as
possible. In fact it is the best thing that you can do for your
little one. You can't spoil a baby with love, and at 3 weeks
old, its wants are its needs. Do you have a sling? Last bit of
advice - read up on the negative aspects of the cry-it-out
method, and make an informed decision on whether or not you are
willing to subject your child to it.
Congratulations! Marianne
My now 10 week old was the same as your child for his first 4-5
weeks. Hopefully your child will outgrow this stage as mine
did. Try to remember that for 40 weeks your child was in a
comfortable place and the outside world is a new and pretty wild
environment. It was hard but I would hold my son, feed him and
sleep with him all day and night until he was ready go it
alone. The baby bjorn would help while outside and preparing
meals. When I did put him down, I would swaddle him in a
blanket so he would feel comforted and secure. There were times
we had to let him cry it out while I would play with his older
brother or while driving and that was tough -- I have been
through lots and lots of breast pads. Try your best to enjoy it
and put all housework, cooking and moderate personal hygiene
aside until he grows a bit older. I did, and now feel I have
happy infant who will ''play'' (sit/lay down) independently while
I tend to other things. He is now moving into a daily routine
that includes 3 naps and 6+ hours sleeping at night in his
crib!!!!
Courtney
It is exhausting to have a baby that needs to be held all the
time, but your friends/relatives are right -- he is way too
little to be ''crying it out.'' Get some help if you can but give
in to your son's needs. He's learning about the world and
whether to trust the people around him to take care of him.
Sign me,
Believes in cuddling babies
My daughter was like this and I actually held her as much as
possible, usually nursing her, as well, until she was about
three months old and her need tapered off somewhat. I took the
opportunity to finish some long novels (I recommend Proust and a
big armchair). She was my first child and I thought I would give
her what she wanted/needed as much as I could. When I started
back at work, we hired a nanny who also held my daughter A LOT--
this need (not all the time, but still more than my friends'
children) continued until she started nursery school at age 2
1/2. Now, this daughter is five, and I'm glad we held her as
much as we did. She is extremely sensitive, compassionate, and
intelligent, but also happy and content. She is not spoiled. My
feeling now is that if we hadn't held her and given her what she
wanted/needed as an infant, she would not be happy and well-
adjusted (although of course there's no way to know for sure)
because she is extremely sensitive--both artistically and
physically. Also, she is very connected to me--despite my
working a lot--and that really does help us get through tough
spots.
It is difficult to hold a baby all the time, but it's your one
opportunity to do so in her lifetime and, in my experience, is
worth it. Get a sling. Co-sleep. Do your best. Time will fly by
and you'll be glad you held your baby, believe me. And good luck.
Carrie
There's nothing wrong with a 3 week old baby wanting to be held
all the time. If you need a break, why don't you try to get
someone else to hold the baby sometimes?
Danielle
Your 3 week old is quite normal. My daughter who is now 5
months, also needed to be held all the time for the first few
months. And the advice you have been given about your child
being too young to let cry it out is CORRECT. Your child does
not understand the consequences of his/her actions. In fact,
your baby does not understand that you and he/she are separate
entities! This faze does not last forever. Your child will
eventually feel comfortable playing by his/herself. As for
sleeping on you, that too is natural. We began ''sleep training''
at around 3 months. I would recommend the book Healthy Sleep
Habits, it has helped us tremendously to give our daughter what
she needs and also give us time for ourselves. I remember how
exausted and difficult it was when she was 3 weeks, but it WILL
get easier, and you will get sleep! Just think how challenging
it must be for a being that has only been in this world for 3
weeks and is growing and learning at a fenomenal rate to
adjust.
new mom
Hi. i have an 8mo old who still wants to be held most of the
time. i know most of your family and friends probably tell you
to just put them down and let them cry but i think this is a
terrible way to parent. babies need to be held. they are new to
the world and need to know that their needs are going to be met
by their parents. they may need to eat more than you think or
just be comforted by nursing. we co sleep and my son would only
sleep in my arms so he always slept on my chest at night. not
meeting their needs in this critical period could lead to
insecurity and confidence problems later on. La Leche meetings
are a great place to get advice from other compassionate moms.
and their weight has nothing to do with how long they should
sleep or cry. don't let anyone tell you differently, please.
i dont' know any babies , esp breastfed babies, who sleep
through the night. my son is 8 mo old and wakes up about every 2
hours to feed, sometimes more. The Baby Book by Dr. Sears is a
decent book with advice on this subject. best of luck.
Julie
I understand how you can be frustrated at holding a child so
much, but I would like to offer you support for holding him.
He just came from your womb, where he was in constant
contact with you. He seems to still need that contact. Don't
rush him. He will start to need that contact less as time
goes on. I know it seems like this is going on forever right
now, but it will end. I know the pressure to let a baby ''cry it
through'' is heavy, but I encourage you to stand up to it. We
expect our babies to grow up way too fast. But I can
sympathize with the desire to have a moment to yourself.
Being a new mom is the hardest job I've ever done. I
recently published a wonderful article, ''Connections'' in
BOOKS AND BABIES by new mom Carla Weiss Jeffrey
which might help you feel that you are not alone in all that
craziness. You can find it by copying and pasting the
following long address into your web broswer window:
http://home.attbi.com/~writingaboutmotherhood/connnections.html
Good luck to you!
Amy
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but your baby may need to be
held a great deal of the day. 3 weeks is way, way too young for crying it
out -- at this time in his life, your baby can't differentiate between
something he wants, and something he needs -- and if you leave him to
cry it out he will only become insecure. Your baby sounds like he might
be a high-need baby (Dr. Sears explains this concept pretty well in his
Baby Book), and putting him down a lot may make him even more fussy
than he already is.
In most non-Western cultures, babies are held almost all of the time, and
there is quite a bit of evidence that this makes them healthier, faster
developing, and independent earlier than babies who are put in carriers
and cribs most of the day. There's a great book called ''The Vital Touch''
by Sharon Heller that explains these theories.
I'm sure you can't do this all by yourself, though (moms in non-Western
cultures tend to have lots more help than we here in the US do). Are
there any resources that can help you? Spouse, grandparents, friends?
Can you afford a part-time nanny? Or can you get a sling or Baby Bjorn
carrier, so that at least you can have your hands free to do other things
while carrying him?
Also, at 2-3 months babies tend to mature a little bit, and be able to
sleep for more extended periods of time, especially at night. This may
ease the burden on you.
anonymous
My child was much the same as yours -- drove me nuts, but what
to do? This was his nature. So I (sort of) accepted the fact
that my life was temporarily no longer my own, held him all the
time and read a lot of books! Don't worry, this too shall pass.
Anon
Yes, of course your baby misses the womb. I can't imagine
anything more heartbreaking for a newborn than to be allowed to
''cry it out''. I know you're going to get a million responses
telling you to get a sling or a carrier like a Bjorn. You did not
mention that you are using one. I wouldn't have been able to make
it through my baby's first 6 months without my sling and my Bjorn
(I used both). You can go about your life AND hold your baby. I
would also like to suggest Dr. Sears' Baby Book. The book
discusses at length how to resolve your issues with your newborn.
Mary
Yes, your baby is MUCH to young to be left to cry (even assuming
you think it's okay to do that to an older baby) and his needing
to be held so much is NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL. Get a sling, or a
front carrier. ''Wearing'' your baby will allow you to go about
your day without putting him down and is likely to result in
longer naps. Get as much help as you can from loving relatives
and friends; having someone come over to hold the baby while you
shower can be a godsend. You can also try a swing, vibrating
bouncy seat, or similar things; often a baby who is tired but
won't sleep can be soothed by gentle, consistent motion. One
way to provide that is to hold him and walk around, but
sometimes an artificial substitute will work for a while.
And then, wait. It's perfectly normal for newborns to insist on
being held at all times, especially in order to sleep; after
all, they're used to being 'held' in the womb 24/7 and adjusting
to life on the outside is HARD for an undeveloped nervous
system! In about another 9 weeks, more or less, you'll find
that your baby is more and more able to be content in a bouncy
seat or on a blanket on the floor, watching you or batting at
toys. As for sleeping, wait at least a few more months before
you resort to ''cry it out'' training methods. In the meantime,
please read the book ''The No Cry Sleep Solution'' by Elizabeth
Pantley. It will help you develop gentler methods of helping
you and your baby to get enough sleep.
Good luck!
Holly
My baby insisted on being held all of the time until he was 3
months old. I tried every trick in the book to try to get him to
sleep on his own. Nothing worked. As I was preparing to go back
to work, we successfully Ferberized him (although it took him 3
weeks to really get the hang of going to sleep on his own).
Anyway, he is now six months old and is far more independent.
Hang in there and try to enjoy the cuddle time! I think it's
just a phase.
Anon
Congratulations on your new baby. I have a 9 week old. My 2
1/2 year-old daughter sounds similar to your child. She would
only sleep 30 min. at a time, sometimes only if being held. She
pretty much wanted to be held all the time for the first 6
months of her life. I am convinced it is temperment. My new
little one is completely the opposite. What worked for us was
pretty much wearing our daughter in a Baby Bjorn pack all day.
We could do what we wanted and needed to do and she was
content. We also found that when we spent all day trying to put
her down, we were resentful of her and worn out. Once we gave
in to her need to be held, we were all much happier. Dr. Sears
books were very helpful and supportive for us.
HH
Sorry you're having such a rough first few weeks. I only have
one child at this time so I don't know how much help I am, but
my feeling is that for the first few months you just have to do
what you have to do to stay sane. If that means holding the
baby all the time, then just do it. It will pass. Parenthood is
the most demanding job on the planet and just remember you're
not alone.
AH
My daughter was very similar to this...we used a sling to carry
her around while we did other things. Also, we used a vibrating
bouncy chair...this would often put her to sleep for at least 1
hour. Also, if she fell asleep in her car seat, I would bring it
into the house and leave her in it until she woke on her own. I
wouldn't let her cry it out...the first 6 months are all about
teaching your child that he/she can trust you to meet their
needs. It will get better. Keep trying to put him down for
short periods of time too...this will work better as he gets
older and becomes interested in his surroundings and toys. Good
luck.
cecilia
I want to preface my ''advice'' by saying that I am very biased
toward baby holding. Now here it goes.
Some babies have a stronger need to be held than others.
Our son wanted to be held non-stop for many months, and
we listened to both our intuition and advice we trusted and
held him as much as he wanted. We've never regretted this
decision! Close physical contact is the norm in some
cultures, and many people think it is an essential need for
infants - some are just louder about it. You may want to read
the Sears' Baby Book, and/or their ''Fussy Baby and High
Needs Child'' book (I think it's called a different name now).
Both books were life-savers for us. Another book that may
be helpful is Meredith Small's ''Our Babies, Ourselves'' - a
heartbreaking, compelling study she cites concluded that
African babies in a very poor region who were most ''high
need'' had much higher survival rates than their quieter
counterparts - because their needs were attended to more!
Even though you're not talking about physical survival, I
believe emotional well-being requires trust that our needs
matter and will be attended to as much as possible.
In short - trust that your baby is telling you what he needs,
and as much as you can, try to meet his needs. It may mean
getting more support than you ever imagined you might
need, inclusing having as many other people holding him
as you can find. Connecting with ''attachment parenting''
groups in the area and/or with La Leche League might also
be helpful.
A very helpful ''prop'' for us was the Baby Bundler (you can
find it on the web, I believe) - a long cloth that wraps around
mother and baby together and gives back, shoulder and
waist support to hold the baby's weight. It saved my back
and neck.
Good luck, and enjoy your wise little one!
Inbal
Do you have an infant carrier, either a baby bjorn, sling or
some other carrier? If not, run out and get one today - it will
make life with new baby so much easier. The carrier allows you
to hold your baby, while giving you two free arms. Get used to
wearing her constantly and you will be a lot happier! When my
daughter was born, I was not prepared for how much I would have
to hold her. She needed to be held all the time which for me was
the hardest thing about adjusting to motherhood. I had pictured
her sleeping most of the day away in the bassinet - which was so
far from reality. She would cry as soon as she was put down, and
slept only when held. As soon as she weighed enough (8 lbs?) I
strapped her into the baby bjorn and basically wore her all day
long. (There is no weight minimum for a sling, and I would have
used one the day I came home from the hospital if I had known it
would work so well.) It is the natural thing for newborns to
need to be held close by their mother or parent or whoever. Some
people may tell you that you need to put the baby down so they
learn to be independent, etc. etc. I totally disagree with that -
I wore my daughter in a baby bjorn constantly - it was the only
way I could survive those first few months, get anything
accomplished and feel like a half way normal person - and today
she is as independent and happy playing by herself as any other
12 month old. Good luck to you - trust me the time flies by.
hmb
Get yourself a sling - one of those ''New Native'' types that's
like a big pocket - and plop your newborn in. He'll think he's
back in the womb, all scrunched up warm next to you, and
probably go right to sleep. Meanwhile, you'll have both hands
free to go about your business. You'll both be happier.
Good luck!
Julie T.
My first child was like this (but not my second). She wanted
nothing to do with strollers, car seats, etc. Boy could she cry.
At naptime I would nurse her to sleep, put her in the cradle and
2 minutes later she was up. Aaarrgh! It took me awhile to
recognize that she happily napped for 2 hours in a sling or
being held. Yes, this lasted 5-6 months and voila! she was
through with that and napping in the bed. It was a mystery to
me since she was my first. The good news is we are not alone.
I have heard many stories like this. Crying it out at this age
(or any age for that matter) I wouldn't recommend. Talk to your
pediatrician, try a homeopath, do infant massage. Read Dr. Sears
books about high-need children. Get a good baby carrier. I
liked the sling, the baby bundler-this one especially for long
periods, and the baby trekker. You can still get a few things
done while carrying your little one. I know how draining this
can be. I definitely would classify my daughter as high-need
from the get go. Once I accepted that it made it easier to meet
those needs.
Anon
One more tip: My son, now 17 months, would wake up the moment
he was put down when he was an newborn/infant. We held him as
much as we could, but we also discovered that if we swaddled him
very snugly so that his arms didn't get in his face, he would
stay asleep after being put down. We still put him to bed this
way (awake). Good luck!
Deborah
I have five children - to varying degrees they all wanted to be
held most of the time they were awake as newborns. My second
child especially would cry if I put him down at all. I remember
reading at the time that in some cultures it is considered bad
luck to let a child touch the ground for the first six months
of life. It took some adjustment, but I found that the best way
to handle things was to give a newborn all the holding they
needed.
I think my first child used to breastfeed every twenty
minutes...I mangaged to sleep (very well) by sleeping with her
in the bed beside me. While other mothers complained about
exhaustion, I felt strength returning, and I think the
closeness was reassuring to the child. I felt protected from
the terrors of 'cot death' by knowing my child was right next
to me, and hopefully I would respond to any change in her
breathing at night.
It wasn't very compatible with studying! (I was in the middle
of a demanding undergraduate course when my daughter was born.)
Yet somehow I hope giving my children what they needed as
infants may have made them stronger, more compassionate
people...I'm still finding out, as we move through the teenage
years.
Hi!
My baby wanted to be on my hands all the time - up to age 2
months i think. I held her with pleasure first but then she got
heavier and my back was so sore!
here's what we did - when she feel asleep on my hands we placed
a blanket on her back ( so you can lift her on it later) and
press a pillow or a flat thick blanket against her back. She
falls asleep and then you put her down ( slowely) - she doesn't
feel because she had the pressure of the pillow on her back.
Sometimes it worked. But consider just waiting - she is very
small yet and she will outgrow it very soon. I remember myself
complaining to all my friends about the same thing. Also later i
let her cry a litle bit in the crib and then she fell asleep.
Two- three days - she got used to falling asleep on her own.
nBabies are amazingly adjustive creatures! You can teach her to
play on her own in the crib or bassinet also.
E-mail me if you have other question!
Good luck!
Natalia
Sept. 2004
My son is a little over 7 weeks old and has developed some sleep
patterns that we need advice on. When he was about 3 weeks old,
he decided that he would not sleep in his bed during the day.
He takes great naps, but only on people or in the Bjorn. He
won't even stay asleep in his stroller for more than a short
amount of time. I could accept that he just needed to be close
to his parents so I let him sleep on me. However, about two
weeks ago, he began having these screaming fits in the
evenings. This is not just fussiness, this is him screaming
hysterically until he loses his breath. The fits last from 10
minutes to an hour. It seems to me that they are caused by
exhaustion. The kid seems to need to sleep, but unable to let
himself. The nights when the screaming lasts longer follow the
days when he has not gotten that much sleep during the day.
(This is connected, I think, to his need to sleep on people all
day long, because sometimes he will wake up when I adjust him or
when a noise startles him.) Sometimes I can rock or walk him to
sleep during the fits and sometimes they last so long that he
gets hungry again and I am able to nurse him to sleep. And by
the way, usually the kid sleeps like a champ at night. He falls
asleep nursing and sleeps for long stretches in in his bed.
(The only exception to this is when he has not slept much during
the day and then he is overly tired and wakes up more
frequently.)
So my questions for you are:
- has anyone had a similar experience and what did you do?
- what can we do to make sure he sleeps enough during the day?
- is there anything we can do to prevent the nighttime screaming
fits?
- if not, any advice on how to cope better? any idea how long
they last?
Lupine
sears birth to 2 years has a really good section on sleep. small
babies take about 20 minutes to fall into deep sleep - then you
can move them with impunity. I used to have my son fall asleep
on a pad or blanket and then move the whole as one unit to
lessen the disturbance. it worked really well.
as for the screaming sounds like maybe a bit colicky? not really
an issue for me but he did get pretty fussy in the evenings and
sometimes just cried the whole time. we bounced him to sleep
holding him on an exercise ball (usually while watching a DVD
with subtitles and the volume low).
around that time too we started nightly bathing which distracted
him from crankiness and relaxed him.
good luck
anon
August 2001
My two month old baby is wonderful and sweet and loves to be cuddled. The
only problem
is that he wants to be cuddled constantly. He goes to sleep in his bassinet
at night, but
after he wakes the first time, he sleeps in bed with us. But he WILL NOT
sleep alone
during the day. I can hold him for 15, 20, 30 minutes after he's fallen asleep
nursing, but
as soon as I put him down and walk out of the room, he's screaming. I've
tried putting him
to sleep in our bed, but that's no good either. I often wear him in a sling,
where he sleeps
wonderfully, but sometimes my back wants a break, or I'd like to shower, or
have both arms
fully functional to play with my 3 year old. Does anyone have any
suggestions? Things I
should be doing differently (my first was not like this)? Also, I remember
seeing a blanket
in one of the baby supply catalogs that was supposed to absorb mother's smell
and
therefore comfort baby. Does anyone know if these things work and where I
might find
one? Thanks all.
Heather
Have you tried a baby swing? We put our son in right after nursing, and it
would rock him to sleep. He really liked movement, and still, at 3, loves to
swing
and finds it soothing.
Ann
My baby was like that at first. The only thing that worked for me until
recently
(he's 1 now) was to nurse him to sleep, then very gently lay him down in his
car
seat. If he looked like he was about to wake after the transition, I'd rock
the car
seat with my hand on his chest (or covering his eyes--if he saw me, the game
was
up). I guess the cradle-like hold felt more like Mom than lying flat.
Barbara
Part of the request asked if anyone knew where you can buy those little
comfort blankies that supposedly absorb mom's smell - they are made by
Comfort Silkie and the website is www.comfortsilkie.com (I ordered my
"backup" blankey on-line). I slept with it before my baby was born and gave
it to
him right away - he latched onto it pretty quickly (it's really easy for
babies to
clutch) and now at age 2-plus he's addicted. He's always been a great solo
sleeper which I suspect is due more to his nature than the blankey, although
the blankey probably deserves some credit -- I remember the first time he
slept
through the night I heard him wake up, fuss a little, find the blankey and
then
heard the chomping noises coming through the monitor while he fell asleep
again. It is not particularly attractive to see your child sucking/chewing on
this
thing, but, he loves it. It is definitely very soothing, and also helps a lot
when
travelling and sleeping in strange places. I bought the backup after I
realized
how indispensable it had become. I started giving both to him hoping that
Blankey No. 2 would acquire some of the delightful traits of Blankey No. 1 -
what happened is that he started wanting both; now he clutches No. 2 and chews
on No.1 (of number 2, he says "I can't eat this one - it's not good.") If you
get
one, I do recommend periodically washing it before your baby is wedded to its
cruddiness rather than its softness. And don't, whatever you do, cut off the
satin
tag!!!! It's the best part!!!
Fran
When my first son was in such a phase, I cut up a
shirt that I had worn and put a piece of it in his
bassinet. (You can also order what's called a Snoodle,
essentially a hankerchief with a soft doll head, from
One Step Ahead) Then I figured he liked the warmth so
I put a warm water bottle in it as well. You can get
really cute ones with animal covers etc. at places
like Baby World on Piedmont Ave. Then I put the
mommy's heartbeat bear nearby and voila! It took
some time but not long, and with each nap he slept
longer on his own. I think a big issue here is,
however, not to get him dependent on any of the above.
So the trick is to wean him from you, for lack of
better words, then start withdrawing these other
things one by one. Of course they like, and need, to
be held and cuddled but I think we often go to the
extreme where we end up giving up our life, which, in
the long run, will not help them either. Good luck!
Petra
Your baby sounds exactly like my now 13 month-old. She pretty much wanted
to be held at all times, including for naps. We also started her out in her
crib at
night and then brought her in with us. We did let her nap in the sling. She
seemed to outgrow that need at about 4 months. Also, we reevaluated our
definition of a nap. I was thinking she couldn't nap alone because she would
only sleep for 20-30 minutes when put down on her own, not the 1-3 hours I was
expecting from my reading and other babies I'd experienced. Turns out, she's
just a catnapper. She took 4-5 20-30 minute naps a day until 9 months. Now
she takes 2 naps--1 20-30 minute nap in the morning and 1 1-2 hour nap in the
afternoon. So, my advice is, if you don't want to do the cry it out thing
(which we
did not), just wait it out. Also, look at whether your kiddo is a catnapper.
I also
found that when I gave into my daughter's needs and pa! tt! erns and didn't
spend my day wishing she were different (slept more, independently, didn't
need
to be held so much, etc.) we were both MUCH happier.
Hardin
Mine did that, too, and I thought I'd never be able to put him down. I ended
up
carrying him almost all the time while he slept, and then once he woke up, I'd
run around the house doing what I needed to do. Maybe you can try putting
him in a bouncy seat or gymini while you shower, or in the crib to look at a
mobile. If you can stand it in the short run, it will eventually pass. Now at
5
months, my baby doesn't like to be held while he sleeps because he wants to
move around on his own. Like all the other little phases babies go through, it
probably won't last too long.
WhitWalk
My son was the same way, because for 6.5 months he was
colicky 24 hours per day. Are you sure yours doesn't
have a similar problem? Either way, the only thing
that worked for mine was to put him to sleep in a baby
swing. If that doesn't work, try putting him in the
swing and manually swinging it back and forth at high
speed until he falls asleep...that's what we had to
do! You could also try a vibrating seat. I know some
babies like noise; and ours did a bit better with one
of those soothing noise-makers, or a humidifier. And
this last comment may not be popular, but I definately
wouldn't try the "let him scream for 5 minutes more at
a time until he learns to sleep" method. Your little
one may just be a bit more insecure without Mommy than
your first was...not too unreasonable for someone who
can't do a thing for himself yet!
Michelle
your little baby is so new in this huge world and he/she feels the
difference and mom is the only thing that makes that OK. My boy was the
same way. I literally could not take him off my chest for the first 6
weeks. Now at 6 months he takes his day naps in his crib and sleeps with me at
night. I can see how he is happier with the world more and more. Just be
patient
and I know its hard to have the baby glued to you...but in 18 years when
he/she
are out the door in their own life you'll be glad youhad these special times
and
you are building a strong foundation in these most important early
times...good
luck
Lloyd
You totally describe my first child. Nighttime sleeping wasn't a problem,
because we shared the "family bed." I didn't want to have to get out of bed
for
nighttime nursing.
I was, however, incredibly frustrated that my daughter didn't take any
daytime naps unless she was sleeping on me. The second I put her down she
was awake. Here is what worked for us after a lot of trial and error: A
battery operated baby swing. The movement lulled her to sleep and she would
stay asleep for a minimum of a half hour, if not more. For added benefit we
draped a used nursing bra over her chest so that she could have my smell. My
husband also had a lot of success in calming her down when he held her by
draping the used nursing bra over his shoulder.
Not every kid likes the swing, so you may want to try to borrow one before
buying one. Also, you may want to try just driving around with the baby until
he sleeps, and keeping the sleeping baby in the carseat until he wakes up. My
recommendation is Arlington Boulevard (a.k.a. The Cholic Route) because you
can drive virtually uninterrupted from Berkeley to Richmond. Hope this helps.
Daphne
We had this same experience with our son, and let me extend my empathy! It
was very difficult. How did we handle it? He is our first, so we had the
luxury of
holding him for naps much of the time. I also planned errands and dog walking
around naps so that he could sleep in the sling or Baby Bjorn (he absolutely
would not tolerate being put in the stroller and would usually wake up within
5
minutes of being put in there--I remember being so jealous of the moms in my
mom's group because they could put their babies in the strollers for naps and
get breaks and I never could.). Even if he fell asleep in the car, as soon as
I'd
put the carseat down in the house, he'd wake up! It was so frustrating! I
got
some minor relief at home when I purchased a vibrating bouncy seat. Once he
was asleep, I could place him in the bouncy seat and he would give me about 20
minutes to do things like prepare a quick dinner. I would shower while he
was
awake, putting him in the bouncy seat in the bathroom with me. He never
seemed to mind that.
When he was three months old, I was applying for a bunch of training programs
and had many essays to write and applications to complete. He was still not
napping independently, so I hired a high school student to come over and hold
him and rock him in the rocking chair while he napped and I worked at the
computer (It was an easy job for her--she just watched TV!). When he was four
months old, we began to experiment with placing him on his stomach for naps in
the living room on the couch with a piece of furniture pushed up against it.
He
would actually stay asleep on his stomach for over an hour! I was incredibly
nervous about doing this, given all the warnings to put babies on their backs
for
sleep. So I would just stay in the same room with him and watch him almost
constantly. When he was six months old, he began to tolerate naps in his
crib,
on his stomach, with us checking on him literally every five minutes.
As time passed, we relaxed a bit and checked less frequently, and were even
able
to put him down on his side. By 8 or 9 months, he was a stellar napper!! At
22
months, he takes great, long naps once a day (all by himself)! Hope this
helps.
Alisa
Ah, my now 3-year old was the same, only he was only able to sleep if either
nursing or in motion (so a little worse, it seems)! On the most practical
level
what saved me was the "Baby Bundler," much much more comfortable than a
sling (for my back, shoulders, arms and neck). You can probably find it on the
web. It's a large piece of cloth in which you wrap the baby onto you in a way
that
truly distributes the baby's weight throughout your body.
As to how to get the baby over this need, I didn't find anything that
worked. Some people thought that we had created the problem by practicing
attachment parenting, but we believed, and still do, that it was our
particular child's temperament and needs. And of course, in some other
cultures babies ARE held all the time, so it seems pretty wise of these
little ones!
What helped us the most was to really see that we were giving him something
that he clearly expressed a need for. We started calling it "an extended womb
experience" -- he was on our body pretty much 24 hours a day for months -- and
it somehow eased the stress of it. I truly believe he needed this degree of
contact
and don't regret meeting his needs at all, even though it was an incredible
challenge. At about 8 months he started being able to sleep without being in
motion at least some of the time, and slowly developed the ability to nap on
his
own.
A couple of suggestions:
- Bundle the baby on your back so your arms are free.
- Get help! Any neighbor with 1/2 an hour to spare, friends, relatives,
mommy's helpers.
I wish I had something more practical to offer you -- I imagine it's much
more daunting with a 3-year old who is also wanting your attention! I hope
you find a way to make it work and still meet your baby's needs. I wish you
lots
of help and great patience.
Inbal
Oh how I wish I could give you the magic solution that would make your baby
take two or three good naps a day and sleep through for 6-8 hours at night.
However, I can only offer that I have been there and it has gotten better. I
too
had a baby that I had to hold CONSTANTLY. She is now 17 months old and
still prefers to sleep with us or in my arms. However, she now goes to sleep
in
her crib every night and my husband puts her down awake. Most nights she
wants to come to bed with us around 4:30. And, she takes at least a 45 minute
nap in her crib before wanting to lie down with me for the rest of her nap.
If I
had it to do over again, I would have read Jodi A. Mindell's "Sleeping Through
the Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night's
Sleep" when she was 2 months old. I like Mindell's approach as it seems to be
somewhere in the mid-range between Ferber and Sears. Anyway, I would have
let Emily learn to put herself to sleep when she was 3 months old. I would
have
come up with gentle loving "sleep rules" with my husband and stuck with them
(i.e. no sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed until the sun comes up, or no
nursing before the sun comes up, etc) Now I realize that by being
wishy-washy
with the rules of sleep and catering too much Emily, we have set up an
unhealthy situation. However, I try to remind myself that in the big picture,
having a daughter who doesn't sleep through the night or take 2-hour naps on
her own is a very small problem. Also, she won't want to sleep with us when
she's 12 or 13 and I know at the point, I will miss the cuddles and love she
gives
when I do hold her to sleep or let her sleep in my bed!
Lisa
You could be describing my 14 m.o. daughter! I tried lots of different
things,
and finally came to terms with her temperment: she prefers to sleep with me
and
simply sleeps better when she is with me. I did what you described, letting
her
nap in the sling being the most successful. I would try every week or so to
transfer the sling off my back into the bed. Sometimes it would work,
sometimes
it wouldn't. If my back was really sore, I would just sit and read in a
rocking
chair while she napped. I also hired a mother's helper (a college student),
who
sometimes spent her time with the napping baby in the sling while I got things
done.
Does my daughter nap alone now? Sometimes. She's still not a big napper
(20-30 minutes solo is usually her limit), and she still takes her best naps
when I
lie down with her. I do sometimes envy friends whose babies take 2-3 hour
naps
in their cribs while they freely go about their business. Perhaps this is not
what
you want to hear, but there are trade-offs. Some of my friends have expressed
envy at how "cuddly" and "snuggly" my daughter is. I've simply given up on
the
idea of nap time being a chance for me to do anything significant. Because
I've
had to figure out how to do things with her around, I think she's knows a lot
about how things work in our world. She constantly surprises me with her
understanding. Please feel free to email if you want more strategies for
getting
specific things done (showering, housework, etc.) with a baby who likes to be
close.
Ilana
My daughter still prefers to nap together but she's slowly but surely
becoming able to solo nap more and more. She started by sleeping a lot in
the sling. Which was fine with me. I also sleep with her at night (which
we both still love at 14 months). For naps, I took our bed off the frame
and put it on the floor. I lay on the bed with her and nurse her down, and
when she drifts off, I slip off. This works very well for us. If she wakes
up
crying I assume she has not napped sufficiently and nurse her down again.
If she wakes up smiling and bubbly (the more usual case), I assume she is
well rested no matter how long the nap. Also, I've just discovered "tiny
waves" at the Y. She is napping unbelievably well after spending just a
half-hour in the water. I'm loving it. Best wishes to you.
Cheryl
HELP!! I need some advice about an eight month old infant who will not
sleep alone for naps. Our infant sleeps with us through the night in
the 'family bed.' During the day she takes two naps (Anywhere from1-2
hrs.), and at night one before bed time (same time amt.). Up till about 4.5
mos. she would sleep by herself in a swing, or bouncy seat. We returned from
a trip and she would no longer continue sleeping when I would lay her down.
Now, she takes all her naps in the front carrier( Baby Bjorn). (She does
sleep in the car, but that's really no help) I tried at one point to put
her in the crib and she cried solid for 45 mins. and ten days straight. She's
terribly unhappy when she doesn't sleep (and so am I) and I realize this is a
situation that I am not going to be able to keep up much longer. Is
this just a phase? Has any one else gone through this? Any advice would be
greatly appreciated.
My baby was very finicky about naps also- he is now a year and a half. For
the first few months he would only sleep on me. Then, he would nap in our
bed but only if I was there, napping next to him. If I left, he would wake
up in 20 mins, and I would have to start all over again. He has always
slept with us at night, and we do not even have a crib. Now, at a year and
a half, things are alot better! However, I must say that he is still
nursing and he always nurses before napping/bedtime if I am present. Some
tips: Does your baby go to daycare? Mine does, and he takes a nap in a
small crib with wooden slats on wheels. They rock the crib, and he goes to
sleep without nursing. I noticed during a recent vacation in a hotel,
where we got a portable wooden crib just for fun, that he wanted to go in
the crib and we would rock it, and he would go to sleep! So now we are
buying one of these cribs for naps. It doesnot work with the plastic
portacribs- I think it is because he is used to his wooden crib at daycare
(he's been going since 3.5 mons). Also, at home for naps, we lay down on
our bed, nurse, he falls asleep and now I can pretty much get right up and
go. Same with bedtime now. I am hoping that I can reduce/replace the
nursing with rocking in the crib. I am a first time Mom, and I am sure by
experienced Mom standards I am being too "soft"on my baby, but this is my
choice. It seems to me that my baby just needed a body next to him for a
long time. Now he is more confident in all areas of his little life,
including being able to sleep without a parent next to him all the time. I
have a long way to go before he sleeps on his own in his own room at night-
but I am in no hurry. This involves an attitude of my husband and I. We
still both like having the baby in the bed, and we are all able to sleep
better and better together. I think it is a stage, and it is great for
your baby if you can be near her as much as possible. It does get better!
Maybe this is a simplistic solution, and not what you were looking for,
but what I always did with my baby was to lie down with her to go to sleep
at naptime and nurse her. She would fall asleep, and I didn't have to move
her, all I did was get up...although of course sometimes I would fall
asleep too. Maybe this is setting up bad habits in some ways, but I now
have a 2 yr old who falls asleep w/o nursing although she is not weaned
and doesn't need me to lay down next to her, just be close by. For me this
was the path of least resistence. Also, by 8 months, I'd say it is much
more comfortable to have a napping child in a back carrier, which my girl
also slept in many times (because I was working, not because she needed to be
close really) - and we have worn out 2 so far! Good luck.
My child also wouldn't nap alone, until he was about 7
months old; I always had to carry him, or lie down and
nap with him. Then I started being able to nurse him
to sleep in our bed, and slip away after he fell
asleep. I just kept trying this and it gradually got
easier. He's had a couple of little periods for a week
or two where it hasn't worked again since then; he
just wakes up as soon as I try to leave. But mostly
it's worked well, and he's generally in a pattern of
sleeping anywhere from 2 to 4 hours. He did go to one
nap a day pretty early, probably because I didn't want
to be lying down with him 2 or 3 times a day, but he
seems to be fine with this. I'm sure some people would
say this is a terrible habit, but he's a year and a
half now and it's worked well all this time, and I
figure he won't need me to fall asleep eventually.
He's already starting to fall asleep on his own
occasionally when I just lie down next to him, so I'm
just going to let it happen as he's ready.
November 2002
Okay: I know everyone has sleep problems with her kids but I am
DESPERATE.
I have recently changed nannies for my 13 month old and
apparently her original nanny got her in the habit of only
napping while being held. I think what would happen is the
nanny would give her a bottle and then rock her until she was
basically asleep, but then the baby would cry when she was going
to be put in the crib, so the nanny would just hold her for 2
hours. I did not observe this on the weekend (though she would
often fall asleep in the car I could still put her in her
crib).
Now the new nanny has pointed out the problem to me. The baby
will be completely asleep in the nanny's arms, but when placed
in the crib, will cry and cry and stand up until picked up.
At night, I can give her a bottle, cuddle in the rocker and then
put her right down in the crib awake, and after sometimes some
minor protests she will voluntarily lie down and sleep (usually
with some back-rubbing from me, and she likes to have me stay in
the room until she is pretty much asleep).
But then, she is often up 3 times per night, say 1, 3 and 6am.
I think we are minimizing that, but obviously she is conditioned
to have me pat her back to get to sleep.
But what about the naps? I don't want to have her cry it out
(especially since I work full time and don't want to entrust the
nanny to do that). Do I have to ''not get her back out of the
crib'' once she is put in? How on Earth do I get her to nap in
the crib?
I would love your advice.
Thanks!
This was my kid when he was little! It is very difficult. From
infancy, when he was very colicky, he would only fall asleep being
held and with his wriggly fingers inside my mouth (weird, I know).
He still woke up every hour until about a year. Around that time
we finally had him falling asleep just holding my hand, and he
would ''only'' wake up four or five times a night. He used to have
his own room, but we quickly learned he did better sleeping in
ours.
We slowly continued to work with him, pushing him a little beyond
what he really wanted (to be held constantly) but not to the point
where he was crying and miserable. At about a year and half he
made a decision to try it on his own, and began trying to fall
asleep by himself. He still woke up at night, but would go back
to sleep with a simple pat and reassurance. By two years old, he
had become one of the best sleepers we know. By three, he'd tell
us he was tired, and put himself to bed on his own.
Just trying to encourage you a bit. I believe the reason he's
such a great sleeper (anywhere, anytime he's tired) is that we
allowed him to develop the skill at his own rate. I know lots of
people say you train your child to wake up, and I'm sure it's
true, but it was more important to us that he learn he could
depend on us to always be there, and I think it's paid off in the
long run.
One more thought. We made a huge leap in sleeping when we moved
him from his crib (where he'd only slept a couple hours each night
anyway, before moving to ours), to a mattress on the floor next to
us. A portable guard rail kept him from falling off, he didn't
feel ''jailed'' anymore, and I could just sleepily reach over the
side of my bed if he started to wake up.
Don't know if you nanny will be willing to ease your kid over the
hump like this, but thought I'd just pass along our experience in
case it was helpful.
Good luck, and hang in there.
Michelle
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