Baby Sleeps Only While Being Held
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Baby Sleeps Only While Being Held
February 2003
Help! My 3 week old son wants to be held all the time. I cannot
put him down without him crying within 5-20 minutes. He sleeps
with me at night, and other than that, only sleeps if someone is
holding him. I've tried white noise and womb sounds. Everyone
keeps saying he's too little to have him cry it out. He's barely 8
pounds. Thanks for any advice.
lee
When we had this problem we discovered that our newborn would
sleep in the carseat, or in the reclined stroller.
Unfortunately, later we had to wean him from sleeping reclined
and have him learn to sleep more flat, but we were able to wait
until he was a few months old (though he slept in the carseat
far longer than we would have liked.) We ended up buying a
special wedge that went under the crib sheet so he would be
somewhat reclined, but it was not until he was about 5 months
old that he would sleep in the crib consistently. I think it was
worth it not to have to hold him constantly, which was
exhausting and we wouldn't have gotten much sleep. It is worth a
try, good luck.
Laura
Have you invested in a sling? Try wearing him a sling so that
your hands are free but you don't have to put him down. 3 weeks
is still very very young, he doesn't know that he's not still a part
of your body, so by keeping him close you'll help him to feel
secure so that you will be able to put him down eventually. I
know it's a hassle to have to schlep a baby around everywhere
you go, but at least the sling will provide you with some freedom
to use your arms and hands
Jill
This sounds totally normal. It won't last for ever. In a matter
of weeks he'll be interested enough in staring at the world
around him that you can put him down for longer. And he'll just
keep getting more independent.
I read something interesting in, I think, one of the Sears books:
Human babies emerge much less developed than most animal babies
(much more dependent, for longer) so think of the first 9 mos.
out of the womb as the second half of gestation. That means a lot
of holding.
For now, get a sling and a baby bjorn. Let him sleep in the sling
while you read. (At some point you might find you can slip the
sling off and put it on the bed or in a crib and he'll remain
asleep. It will smell like you, which will help.) Get a headset
and you can chat on the phone while he's eating or sleeping. And
nap with him because you probably need more sleep! If friends are
still offering to help, enlist them in some babyholding, while
you cook or shower or do whatever you need to do. Go out to cafes
with him in a sling or baby bjorn.
Good luck.
mary
You might try a bouncy seat. Take off the stimulating toy bar and
turn on the vibrator. Our two kids slept well in the seat (make
sure you get one that reclines nice and far) and it had the
advantage of being a safe, portable place to put them while they
were awake. They could watch us work and do things and nod off if
they were sleepy.
virginia
Most newborns want to be held all the time. It's the nature of
a baby. Get a sling that is comfortable for you (the new native
sling seems really good for young ones and are often on
Marketplace on this list.)
annon
Most 3 week olds want to be, need to be, and should be held and
cuddled as much as possible. You are its mama, it is your baby -
follow your instincts, not the dominant paradigm (detachment
parenting). It really is ok to hold your baby as much as
possible. In fact it is the best thing that you can do for your
little one. You can't spoil a baby with love, and at 3 weeks
old, its wants are its needs. Do you have a sling? Last bit of
advice - read up on the negative aspects of the cry-it-out
method, and make an informed decision on whether or not you are
willing to subject your child to it.
Congratulations! Marianne
My now 10 week old was the same as your child for his first 4-5
weeks. Hopefully your child will outgrow this stage as mine
did. Try to remember that for 40 weeks your child was in a
comfortable place and the outside world is a new and pretty wild
environment. It was hard but I would hold my son, feed him and
sleep with him all day and night until he was ready go it
alone. The baby bjorn would help while outside and preparing
meals. When I did put him down, I would swaddle him in a
blanket so he would feel comforted and secure. There were times
we had to let him cry it out while I would play with his older
brother or while driving and that was tough -- I have been
through lots and lots of breast pads. Try your best to enjoy it
and put all housework, cooking and moderate personal hygiene
aside until he grows a bit older. I did, and now feel I have
happy infant who will ''play'' (sit/lay down) independently while
I tend to other things. He is now moving into a daily routine
that includes 3 naps and 6+ hours sleeping at night in his
crib!!!!
Courtney
It is exhausting to have a baby that needs to be held all the
time, but your friends/relatives are right -- he is way too
little to be ''crying it out.'' Get some help if you can but give
in to your son's needs. He's learning about the world and
whether to trust the people around him to take care of him.
Sign me,
Believes in cuddling babies
My daughter was like this and I actually held her as much as
possible, usually nursing her, as well, until she was about
three months old and her need tapered off somewhat. I took the
opportunity to finish some long novels (I recommend Proust and a
big armchair). She was my first child and I thought I would give
her what she wanted/needed as much as I could. When I started
back at work, we hired a nanny who also held my daughter A LOT--
this need (not all the time, but still more than my friends'
children) continued until she started nursery school at age 2
1/2. Now, this daughter is five, and I'm glad we held her as
much as we did. She is extremely sensitive, compassionate, and
intelligent, but also happy and content. She is not spoiled. My
feeling now is that if we hadn't held her and given her what she
wanted/needed as an infant, she would not be happy and well-
adjusted (although of course there's no way to know for sure)
because she is extremely sensitive--both artistically and
physically. Also, she is very connected to me--despite my
working a lot--and that really does help us get through tough
spots.
It is difficult to hold a baby all the time, but it's your one
opportunity to do so in her lifetime and, in my experience, is
worth it. Get a sling. Co-sleep. Do your best. Time will fly by
and you'll be glad you held your baby, believe me. And good luck.
Carrie
There's nothing wrong with a 3 week old baby wanting to be held
all the time. If you need a break, why don't you try to get
someone else to hold the baby sometimes?
Danielle
Your 3 week old is quite normal. My daughter who is now 5
months, also needed to be held all the time for the first few
months. And the advice you have been given about your child
being too young to let cry it out is CORRECT. Your child does
not understand the consequences of his/her actions. In fact,
your baby does not understand that you and he/she are separate
entities! This faze does not last forever. Your child will
eventually feel comfortable playing by his/herself. As for
sleeping on you, that too is natural. We began ''sleep training''
at around 3 months. I would recommend the book Healthy Sleep
Habits, it has helped us tremendously to give our daughter what
she needs and also give us time for ourselves. I remember how
exausted and difficult it was when she was 3 weeks, but it WILL
get easier, and you will get sleep! Just think how challenging
it must be for a being that has only been in this world for 3
weeks and is growing and learning at a fenomenal rate to
adjust.
new mom
Hi. i have an 8mo old who still wants to be held most of the
time. i know most of your family and friends probably tell you
to just put them down and let them cry but i think this is a
terrible way to parent. babies need to be held. they are new to
the world and need to know that their needs are going to be met
by their parents. they may need to eat more than you think or
just be comforted by nursing. we co sleep and my son would only
sleep in my arms so he always slept on my chest at night. not
meeting their needs in this critical period could lead to
insecurity and confidence problems later on. La Leche meetings
are a great place to get advice from other compassionate moms.
and their weight has nothing to do with how long they should
sleep or cry. don't let anyone tell you differently, please.
i dont' know any babies , esp breastfed babies, who sleep
through the night. my son is 8 mo old and wakes up about every 2
hours to feed, sometimes more. The Baby Book by Dr. Sears is a
decent book with advice on this subject. best of luck.
Julie
I understand how you can be frustrated at holding a child so
much, but I would like to offer you support for holding him.
He just came from your womb, where he was in constant
contact with you. He seems to still need that contact. Don't
rush him. He will start to need that contact less as time
goes on. I know it seems like this is going on forever right
now, but it will end. I know the pressure to let a baby ''cry it
through'' is heavy, but I encourage you to stand up to it. We
expect our babies to grow up way too fast. But I can
sympathize with the desire to have a moment to yourself.
Being a new mom is the hardest job I've ever done. I
recently published a wonderful article, ''Connections'' in
BOOKS AND BABIES by new mom Carla Weiss Jeffrey
which might help you feel that you are not alone in all that
craziness. You can find it by copying and pasting the
following long address into your web broswer window:
http://home.attbi.com/~writingaboutmotherhood/connnections.html
Good luck to you!
Amy
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but your baby may need to be
held a great deal of the day. 3 weeks is way, way too young for crying it
out -- at this time in his life, your baby can't differentiate between
something he wants, and something he needs -- and if you leave him to
cry it out he will only become insecure. Your baby sounds like he might
be a high-need baby (Dr. Sears explains this concept pretty well in his
Baby Book), and putting him down a lot may make him even more fussy
than he already is.
In most non-Western cultures, babies are held almost all of the time, and
there is quite a bit of evidence that this makes them healthier, faster
developing, and independent earlier than babies who are put in carriers
and cribs most of the day. There's a great book called ''The Vital Touch''
by Sharon Heller that explains these theories.
I'm sure you can't do this all by yourself, though (moms in non-Western
cultures tend to have lots more help than we here in the US do). Are
there any resources that can help you? Spouse, grandparents, friends?
Can you afford a part-time nanny? Or can you get a sling or Baby Bjorn
carrier, so that at least you can have your hands free to do other things
while carrying him?
Also, at 2-3 months babies tend to mature a little bit, and be able to
sleep for more extended periods of time, especially at night. This may
ease the burden on you.
anonymous
My child was much the same as yours -- drove me nuts, but what
to do? This was his nature. So I (sort of) accepted the fact
that my life was temporarily no longer my own, held him all the
time and read a lot of books! Don't worry, this too shall pass.
Anon
Yes, of course your baby misses the womb. I can't imagine
anything more heartbreaking for a newborn than to be allowed to
''cry it out''. I know you're going to get a million responses
telling you to get a sling or a carrier like a Bjorn. You did not
mention that you are using one. I wouldn't have been able to make
it through my baby's first 6 months without my sling and my Bjorn
(I used both). You can go about your life AND hold your baby. I
would also like to suggest Dr. Sears' Baby Book. The book
discusses at length how to resolve your issues with your newborn.
Mary
Yes, your baby is MUCH to young to be left to cry (even assuming
you think it's okay to do that to an older baby) and his needing
to be held so much is NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL. Get a sling, or a
front carrier. ''Wearing'' your baby will allow you to go about
your day without putting him down and is likely to result in
longer naps. Get as much help as you can from loving relatives
and friends; having someone come over to hold the baby while you
shower can be a godsend. You can also try a swing, vibrating
bouncy seat, or similar things; often a baby who is tired but
won't sleep can be soothed by gentle, consistent motion. One
way to provide that is to hold him and walk around, but
sometimes an artificial substitute will work for a while.
And then, wait. It's perfectly normal for newborns to insist on
being held at all times, especially in order to sleep; after
all, they're used to being 'held' in the womb 24/7 and adjusting
to life on the outside is HARD for an undeveloped nervous
system! In about another 9 weeks, more or less, you'll find
that your baby is more and more able to be content in a bouncy
seat or on a blanket on the floor, watching you or batting at
toys. As for sleeping, wait at least a few more months before
you resort to ''cry it out'' training methods. In the meantime,
please read the book ''The No Cry Sleep Solution'' by Elizabeth
Pantley. It will help you develop gentler methods of helping
you and your baby to get enough sleep.
Good luck!
Holly
My baby insisted on being held all of the time until he was 3
months old. I tried every trick in the book to try to get him to
sleep on his own. Nothing worked. As I was preparing to go back
to work, we successfully Ferberized him (although it took him 3
weeks to really get the hang of going to sleep on his own).
Anyway, he is now six months old and is far more independent.
Hang in there and try to enjoy the cuddle time! I think it's
just a phase.
Anon
Congratulations on your new baby. I have a 9 week old. My 2
1/2 year-old daughter sounds similar to your child. She would
only sleep 30 min. at a time, sometimes only if being held. She
pretty much wanted to be held all the time for the first 6
months of her life. I am convinced it is temperment. My new
little one is completely the opposite. What worked for us was
pretty much wearing our daughter in a Baby Bjorn pack all day.
We could do what we wanted and needed to do and she was
content. We also found that when we spent all day trying to put
her down, we were resentful of her and worn out. Once we gave
in to her need to be held, we were all much happier. Dr. Sears
books were very helpful and supportive for us.
HH
Sorry you're having such a rough first few weeks. I only have
one child at this time so I don't know how much help I am, but
my feeling is that for the first few months you just have to do
what you have to do to stay sane. If that means holding the
baby all the time, then just do it. It will pass. Parenthood is
the most demanding job on the planet and just remember you're
not alone.
AH
My daughter was very similar to this...we used a sling to carry
her around while we did other things. Also, we used a vibrating
bouncy chair...this would often put her to sleep for at least 1
hour. Also, if she fell asleep in her car seat, I would bring it
into the house and leave her in it until she woke on her own. I
wouldn't let her cry it out...the first 6 months are all about
teaching your child that he/she can trust you to meet their
needs. It will get better. Keep trying to put him down for
short periods of time too...this will work better as he gets
older and becomes interested in his surroundings and toys. Good
luck.
cecilia
I want to preface my ''advice'' by saying that I am very biased
toward baby holding. Now here it goes.
Some babies have a stronger need to be held than others.
Our son wanted to be held non-stop for many months, and
we listened to both our intuition and advice we trusted and
held him as much as he wanted. We've never regretted this
decision! Close physical contact is the norm in some
cultures, and many people think it is an essential need for
infants - some are just louder about it. You may want to read
the Sears' Baby Book, and/or their ''Fussy Baby and High
Needs Child'' book (I think it's called a different name now).
Both books were life-savers for us. Another book that may
be helpful is Meredith Small's ''Our Babies, Ourselves'' - a
heartbreaking, compelling study she cites concluded that
African babies in a very poor region who were most ''high
need'' had much higher survival rates than their quieter
counterparts - because their needs were attended to more!
Even though you're not talking about physical survival, I
believe emotional well-being requires trust that our needs
matter and will be attended to as much as possible.
In short - trust that your baby is telling you what he needs,
and as much as you can, try to meet his needs. It may mean
getting more support than you ever imagined you might
need, inclusing having as many other people holding him
as you can find. Connecting with ''attachment parenting''
groups in the area and/or with La Leche League might also
be helpful.
A very helpful ''prop'' for us was the Baby Bundler (you can
find it on the web, I believe) - a long cloth that wraps around
mother and baby together and gives back, shoulder and
waist support to hold the baby's weight. It saved my back
and neck.
Good luck, and enjoy your wise little one!
Inbal
Do you have an infant carrier, either a baby bjorn, sling or
some other carrier? If not, run out and get one today - it will
make life with new baby so much easier. The carrier allows you
to hold your baby, while giving you two free arms. Get used to
wearing her constantly and you will be a lot happier! When my
daughter was born, I was not prepared for how much I would have
to hold her. She needed to be held all the time which for me was
the hardest thing about adjusting to motherhood. I had pictured
her sleeping most of the day away in the bassinet - which was so
far from reality. She would cry as soon as she was put down, and
slept only when held. As soon as she weighed enough (8 lbs?) I
strapped her into the baby bjorn and basically wore her all day
long. (There is no weight minimum for a sling, and I would have
used one the day I came home from the hospital if I had known it
would work so well.) It is the natural thing for newborns to
need to be held close by their mother or parent or whoever. Some
people may tell you that you need to put the baby down so they
learn to be independent, etc. etc. I totally disagree with that -
I wore my daughter in a baby bjorn constantly - it was the only
way I could survive those first few months, get anything
accomplished and feel like a half way normal person - and today
she is as independent and happy playing by herself as any other
12 month old. Good luck to you - trust me the time flies by.
hmb
Get yourself a sling - one of those ''New Native'' types that's
like a big pocket - and plop your newborn in. He'll think he's
back in the womb, all scrunched up warm next to you, and
probably go right to sleep. Meanwhile, you'll have both hands
free to go about your business. You'll both be happier.
Good luck!
Julie T.
My first child was like this (but not my second). She wanted
nothing to do with strollers, car seats, etc. Boy could she cry.
At naptime I would nurse her to sleep, put her in the cradle and
2 minutes later she was up. Aaarrgh! It took me awhile to
recognize that she happily napped for 2 hours in a sling or
being held. Yes, this lasted 5-6 months and voila! she was
through with that and napping in the bed. It was a mystery to
me since she was my first. The good news is we are not alone.
I have heard many stories like this. Crying it out at this age
(or any age for that matter) I wouldn't recommend. Talk to your
pediatrician, try a homeopath, do infant massage. Read Dr. Sears
books about high-need children. Get a good baby carrier. I
liked the sling, the baby bundler-this one especially for long
periods, and the baby trekker. You can still get a few things
done while carrying your little one. I know how draining this
can be. I definitely would classify my daughter as high-need
from the get go. Once I accepted that it made it easier to meet
those needs.
Anon
One more tip: My son, now 17 months, would wake up the moment
he was put down when he was an newborn/infant. We held him as
much as we could, but we also discovered that if we swaddled him
very snugly so that his arms didn't get in his face, he would
stay asleep after being put down. We still put him to bed this
way (awake). Good luck!
Deborah
I have five children - to varying degrees they all wanted to be
held most of the time they were awake as newborns. My second
child especially would cry if I put him down at all. I remember
reading at the time that in some cultures it is considered bad
luck to let a child touch the ground for the first six months
of life. It took some adjustment, but I found that the best way
to handle things was to give a newborn all the holding they
needed.
I think my first child used to breastfeed every twenty
minutes...I mangaged to sleep (very well) by sleeping with her
in the bed beside me. While other mothers complained about
exhaustion, I felt strength returning, and I think the
closeness was reassuring to the child. I felt protected from
the terrors of 'cot death' by knowing my child was right next
to me, and hopefully I would respond to any change in her
breathing at night.
It wasn't very compatible with studying! (I was in the middle
of a demanding undergraduate course when my daughter was born.)
Yet somehow I hope giving my children what they needed as
infants may have made them stronger, more compassionate
people...I'm still finding out, as we move through the teenage
years.
Hi!
My baby wanted to be on my hands all the time - up to age 2
months i think. I held her with pleasure first but then she got
heavier and my back was so sore!
here's what we did - when she feel asleep on my hands we placed
a blanket on her back ( so you can lift her on it later) and
press a pillow or a flat thick blanket against her back. She
falls asleep and then you put her down ( slowely) - she doesn't
feel because she had the pressure of the pillow on her back.
Sometimes it worked. But consider just waiting - she is very
small yet and she will outgrow it very soon. I remember myself
complaining to all my friends about the same thing. Also later i
let her cry a litle bit in the crib and then she fell asleep.
Two- three days - she got used to falling asleep on her own.
nBabies are amazingly adjustive creatures! You can teach her to
play on her own in the crib or bassinet also.
E-mail me if you have other question!
Good luck!
Natalia
Sept. 2004
My son is a little over 7 weeks old and has developed some sleep
patterns that we need advice on. When he was about 3 weeks old,
he decided that he would not sleep in his bed during the day.
He takes great naps, but only on people or in the Bjorn. He
won't even stay asleep in his stroller for more than a short
amount of time. I could accept that he just needed to be close
to his parents so I let him sleep on me. However, about two
weeks ago, he began having these screaming fits in the
evenings. This is not just fussiness, this is him screaming
hysterically until he loses his breath. The fits last from 10
minutes to an hour. It seems to me that they are caused by
exhaustion. The kid seems to need to sleep, but unable to let
himself. The nights when the screaming lasts longer follow the
days when he has not gotten that much sleep during the day.
(This is connected, I think, to his need to sleep on people all
day long, because sometimes he will wake up when I adjust him or
when a noise startles him.) Sometimes I can rock or walk him to
sleep during the fits and sometimes they last so long that he
gets hungry again and I am able to nurse him to sleep. And by
the way, usually the kid sleeps like a champ at night. He falls
asleep nursing and sleeps for long stretches in in his bed.
(The only exception to this is when he has not slept much during
the day and then he is overly tired and wakes up more
frequently.)
So my questions for you are:
- has anyone had a similar experience and what did you do?
- what can we do to make sure he sleeps enough during the day?
- is there anything we can do to prevent the nighttime screaming
fits?
- if not, any advice on how to cope better? any idea how long
they last?
Lupine
sears birth to 2 years has a really good section on sleep. small
babies take about 20 minutes to fall into deep sleep - then you
can move them with impunity. I used to have my son fall asleep
on a pad or blanket and then move the whole as one unit to
lessen the disturbance. it worked really well.
as for the screaming sounds like maybe a bit colicky? not really
an issue for me but he did get pretty fussy in the evenings and
sometimes just cried the whole time. we bounced him to sleep
holding him on an exercise ball (usually while watching a DVD
with subtitles and the volume low).
around that time too we started nightly bathing which distracted
him from crankiness and relaxed him.
good luck
anon
July 2007
My daughter is almost 11 weeks old. She sleeps very well at
night in her own crib. She goes to bed at 10PM, and usually
wakes twice for feedings before 9:00AM. Once she wakes in the
morning though, she will not nap in her crib or bassinette.
She needs to be held for her to sleep. She will take little
cat naps in her bouncy chair or swing, but other than that I'm
holding her all day. I appreciate the time with her, but I am
concerned about her being able to sleep on her own since she
will be going to daycare next month. I don't have the heart to
leave her in her crib and let her cry herself to sleep, is this
my only option?
anon
Get a sling! I got a hotsling with my second and swore by it... I
give it as a gift (along with a my breast friend pillow) for
every preggo woman I know. You can just tote the babe around with
you with your hands free. And PLEASE don't worry about people who
tell you that your baby will be too ''clingy'' later if you sling
her. My now 16 month old is a fiercely independent little girl
who is uber-confident and funny. My oldest, who was not in a
sling b/c I lived in a cave when I had him (well, Bakersfield...
close to a cave) is more cautious and shy (but still very funny
and confident... just more attached to us now at 3 years old).
weird how that worked out... it's nature, I guess.
And don't worry about daycare. They work magic, believe me. They
will get her to sleep... you'd be surprised how adaptable babies
are.
Slinger
get the book, ''healthy sleep habits, happy child.'' it might be
early to expect too much from your child in terms of sleeping
habits. however, with two of my own, i usually got them to sleep
in their crib alone by this time. but, i did nurse them to sleep
and sneak them in until they learned to sleep alone in there. my
second is 6 months now and sleeps well alone in her crib. she was
harder - i could only ''trick'' her into sleeping in there for a
few months, then i had to let her cry it out to get her to sleep
since she would wake up after the breast. they are so resisitant
since life is so fun, but the earlier you set up ''rules'' the
better. it is for their own good.
anon
I don't exactly have any great information for you. My daughter
is almost 8 months old now, and we have had the same issue with
her since she was born. She is a WONDERFUL nighttime sleeper--so
we're not complaining!--but she won't nap if you put her down. I
stayed home for 4 months and I held her in the sling so she
would nap. Everyone thought I had spoiled her, but it was really
more that the sling was a response to the fact that she would
never stay asleep if I laid her down. In retrospect, it turns
out that she had reflux which was waking her up--I guess by
nighttime she was too exhausted to wake up--I don't know, it
didn't make sense to me--but by the time we figured that out,
she had definitely become accustomed to being held all the time.
Now at 8 mos. she will nap for only a short period of time in
her crib without waking. White noise has helped some. As has
rushing in at the first sound of waking and nursing her back to
sleep before she wakes up completely. That usually gets me about
another 30 minutes. Elizabeth Pantley's book ''no cry sleep
solution'' has some info on napping which was helpful--like you,
I am not willing to let her cry it out--but good luck--it's
really hard to get any info (or sympathy) on what to do with a
good nighttime sleeper who won't nap! I'm well rested in the AM,
but EXHAUSTED by the end of the day with my cranky, tired
afternoon baby!
anon
I had lots of issues at that age with my daughter not wanting
to sleep or nap. By that age, we would rock her to sleep, she
would sleep most of the night in her crib, many times we would
resort to the swing in the middle of the night and all her
daytime naps were in the swing or car seat. We read parts of
two books for help: Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West and
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. I think
you are right that your daughter is a little young for letting
her cry. We started full on sleep training at 4 months (because
I was going back to work as well). The key for us was not
nursing/rocking her to sleep and getting her into her
crib ''drowsy but awake'' at bedtime. The naps fell into place
later. Here are my suggestions for you now: Try getting her on
a nap routine now. Don't let her become overtired during the
day. Babies this age take 3-4 naps a day. If she has been awake
for 2 hours, try getting her to take a nap. Work on getting her
to nap in her crib at the morning nap first. It tends to be
easier. Watch for sleepy signs - yawns, eye rubs, staring off -
then take her into her room. Do a mini version of your going to
bed ritual (i.e. draw the shades, read her a short story, turn
on music or hum a lullaby, tell her softly that its nap time).
Nurse her/hold her/rock her if you want until she is really
drowsy, then put her in the crib. You can continue to rub her
back or stomach and sh-sh her if she fusses some. But try
leaving her in the crib until she falls asleep. For the other
naps in her swing or bouncy seat, turn if off before or once
she is asleep. It may take some time to accomplish this, but
the key is to choose your plan and be consistent! Hopefully
you'll soon start to see a pattern and that will make it
easier. Good Luck.
vic
August 2001
My two month old baby is wonderful and sweet and loves to be cuddled. The
only problem
is that he wants to be cuddled constantly. He goes to sleep in his bassinet
at night, but
after he wakes the first time, he sleeps in bed with us. But he WILL NOT
sleep alone
during the day. I can hold him for 15, 20, 30 minutes after he's fallen asleep
nursing, but
as soon as I put him down and walk out of the room, he's screaming. I've
tried putting him
to sleep in our bed, but that's no good either. I often wear him in a sling,
where he sleeps
wonderfully, but sometimes my back wants a break, or I'd like to shower, or
have both arms
fully functional to play with my 3 year old. Does anyone have any
suggestions? Things I
should be doing differently (my first was not like this)? Also, I remember
seeing a blanket
in one of the baby supply catalogs that was supposed to absorb mother's smell
and
therefore comfort baby. Does anyone know if these things work and where I
might find
one? Thanks all.
Heather
Have you tried a baby swing? We put our son in right after nursing, and it
would rock him to sleep. He really liked movement, and still, at 3, loves to
swing
and finds it soothing.
Ann
My baby was like that at first. The only thing that worked for me until
recently
(he's 1 now) was to nurse him to sleep, then very gently lay him down in his
car
seat. If he looked like he was about to wake after the transition, I'd rock
the car
seat with my hand on his chest (or covering his eyes--if he saw me, the game
was
up). I guess the cradle-like hold felt more like Mom than lying flat.
Barbara
Part of the request asked if anyone knew where you can buy those little
comfort blankies that supposedly absorb mom's smell - they are made by
Comfort Silkie and the website is www.comfortsilkie.com (I ordered my
"backup" blankey on-line). I slept with it before my baby was born and gave
it to
him right away - he latched onto it pretty quickly (it's really easy for
babies to
clutch) and now at age 2-plus he's addicted. He's always been a great solo
sleeper which I suspect is due more to his nature than the blankey, although
the blankey probably deserves some credit -- I remember the first time he
slept
through the night I heard him wake up, fuss a little, find the blankey and
then
heard the chomping noises coming through the monitor while he fell asleep
again. It is not particularly attractive to see your child sucking/chewing on
this
thing, but, he loves it. It is definitely very soothing, and also helps a lot
when
travelling and sleeping in strange places. I bought the backup after I
realized
how indispensable it had become. I started giving both to him hoping that
Blankey No. 2 would acquire some of the delightful traits of Blankey No. 1 -
what happened is that he started wanting both; now he clutches No. 2 and chews
on No.1 (of number 2, he says "I can't eat this one - it's not good.") If you
get
one, I do recommend periodically washing it before your baby is wedded to its
cruddiness rather than its softness. And don't, whatever you do, cut off the
satin
tag!!!! It's the best part!!!
Fran
When my first son was in such a phase, I cut up a
shirt that I had worn and put a piece of it in his
bassinet. (You can also order what's called a Snoodle,
essentially a hankerchief with a soft doll head, from
One Step Ahead) Then I figured he liked the warmth so
I put a warm water bottle in it as well. You can get
really cute ones with animal covers etc. at places
like Baby World on Piedmont Ave. Then I put the
mommy's heartbeat bear nearby and voila! It took
some time but not long, and with each nap he slept
longer on his own. I think a big issue here is,
however, not to get him dependent on any of the above.
So the trick is to wean him from you, for lack of
better words, then start withdrawing these other
things one by one. Of course they like, and need, to
be held and cuddled but I think we often go to the
extreme where we end up giving up our life, which, in
the long run, will not help them either. Good luck!
Petra
Your baby sounds exactly like my now 13 month-old. She pretty much wanted
to be held at all times, including for naps. We also started her out in her
crib at
night and then brought her in with us. We did let her nap in the sling. She
seemed to outgrow that need at about 4 months. Also, we reevaluated our
definition of a nap. I was thinking she couldn't nap alone because she would
only sleep for 20-30 minutes when put down on her own, not the 1-3 hours I was
expecting from my reading and other babies I'd experienced. Turns out, she's
just a catnapper. She took 4-5 20-30 minute naps a day until 9 months. Now
she takes 2 naps--1 20-30 minute nap in the morning and 1 1-2 hour nap in the
afternoon. So, my advice is, if you don't want to do the cry it out thing
(which we
did not), just wait it out. Also, look at whether your kiddo is a catnapper.
I also
found that when I gave into my daughter's needs and pa! tt! erns and didn't
spend my day wishing she were different (slept more, independently, didn't
need
to be held so much, etc.) we were both MUCH happier.
Hardin
Mine did that, too, and I thought I'd never be able to put him down. I ended
up
carrying him almost all the time while he slept, and then once he woke up, I'd
run around the house doing what I needed to do. Maybe you can try putting
him in a bouncy seat or gymini while you shower, or in the crib to look at a
mobile. If you can stand it in the short run, it will eventually pass. Now at
5
months, my baby doesn't like to be held while he sleeps because he wants to
move around on his own. Like all the other little phases babies go through, it
probably won't last too long.
WhitWalk
My son was the same way, because for 6.5 months he was
colicky 24 hours per day. Are you sure yours doesn't
have a similar problem? Either way, the only thing
that worked for mine was to put him to sleep in a baby
swing. If that doesn't work, try putting him in the
swing and manually swinging it back and forth at high
speed until he falls asleep...that's what we had to
do! You could also try a vibrating seat. I know some
babies like noise; and ours did a bit better with one
of those soothing noise-makers, or a humidifier. And
this last comment may not be popular, but I definately
wouldn't try the "let him scream for 5 minutes more at
a time until he learns to sleep" method. Your little
one may just be a bit more insecure without Mommy than
your first was...not too unreasonable for someone who
can't do a thing for himself yet!
Michelle
your little baby is so new in this huge world and he/she feels the
difference and mom is the only thing that makes that OK. My boy was the
same way. I literally could not take him off my chest for the first 6
weeks. Now at 6 months he takes his day naps in his crib and sleeps with me at
night. I can see how he is happier with the world more and more. Just be
patient
and I know its hard to have the baby glued to you...but in 18 years when
he/she
are out the door in their own life you'll be glad youhad these special times
and
you are building a strong foundation in these most important early
times...good
luck
Lloyd
You totally describe my first child. Nighttime sleeping wasn't a problem,
because we shared the "family bed." I didn't want to have to get out of bed
for
nighttime nursing.
I was, however, incredibly frustrated that my daughter didn't take any
daytime naps unless she was sleeping on me. The second I put her down she
was awake. Here is what worked for us after a lot of trial and error: A
battery operated baby swing. The movement lulled her to sleep and she would
stay asleep for a minimum of a half hour, if not more. For added benefit we
draped a used nursing bra over her chest so that she could have my smell. My
husband also had a lot of success in calming her down when he held her by
draping the used nursing bra over his shoulder.
Not every kid likes the swing, so you may want to try to borrow one before
buying one. Also, you may want to try just driving around with the baby until
he sleeps, and keeping the sleeping baby in the carseat until he wakes up. My
recommendation is Arlington Boulevard (a.k.a. The Cholic Route) because you
can drive virtually uninterrupted from Berkeley to Richmond. Hope this helps.
Daphne
We had this same experience with our son, and let me extend my empathy! It
was very difficult. How did we handle it? He is our first, so we had the
luxury of
holding him for naps much of the time. I also planned errands and dog walking
around naps so that he could sleep in the sling or Baby Bjorn (he absolutely
would not tolerate being put in the stroller and would usually wake up within
5
minutes of being put in there--I remember being so jealous of the moms in my
mom's group because they could put their babies in the strollers for naps and
get breaks and I never could.). Even if he fell asleep in the car, as soon as
I'd
put the carseat down in the house, he'd wake up! It was so frustrating! I
got
some minor relief at home when I purchased a vibrating bouncy seat. Once he
was asleep, I could place him in the bouncy seat and he would give me about 20
minutes to do things like prepare a quick dinner. I would shower while he
was
awake, putting him in the bouncy seat in the bathroom with me. He never
seemed to mind that.
When he was three months old, I was applying for a bunch of training programs
and had many essays to write and applications to complete. He was still not
napping independently, so I hired a high school student to come over and hold
him and rock him in the rocking chair while he napped and I worked at the
computer (It was an easy job for her--she just watched TV!). When he was four
months old, we began to experiment with placing him on his stomach for naps in
the living room on the couch with a piece of furniture pushed up against it.
He
would actually stay asleep on his stomach for over an hour! I was incredibly
nervous about doing this, given all the warnings to put babies on their backs
for
sleep. So I would just stay in the same room with him and watch him almost
constantly. When he was six months old, he began to tolerate naps in his
crib,
on his stomach, with us checking on him literally every five minutes.
As time passed, we relaxed a bit and checked less frequently, and were even
able
to put him down on his side. By 8 or 9 months, he was a stellar napper!! At
22
months, he takes great, long naps once a day (all by himself)! Hope this
helps.
Alisa
Ah, my now 3-year old was the same, only he was only able to sleep if either
nursing or in motion (so a little worse, it seems)! On the most practical
level
what saved me was the "Baby Bundler," much much more comfortable than a
sling (for my back, shoulders, arms and neck). You can probably find it on the
web. It's a large piece of cloth in which you wrap the baby onto you in a way
that
truly distributes the baby's weight throughout your body.
As to how to get the baby over this need, I didn't find anything that
worked. Some people thought that we had created the problem by practicing
attachment parenting, but we believed, and still do, that it was our
particular child's temperament and needs. And of course, in some other
cultures babies ARE held all the time, so it seems pretty wise of these
little ones!
What helped us the most was to really see that we were giving him something
that he clearly expressed a need for. We started calling it "an extended womb
experience" -- he was on our body pretty much 24 hours a day for months -- and
it somehow eased the stress of it. I truly believe he needed this degree of
contact
and don't regret meeting his needs at all, even though it was an incredible
challenge. At about 8 months he started being able to sleep without being in
motion at least some of the time, and slowly developed the ability to nap on
his
own.
A couple of suggestions:
- Bundle the baby on your back so your arms are free.
- Get help! Any neighbor with 1/2 an hour to spare, friends, relatives,
mommy's helpers.
I wish I had something more practical to offer you -- I imagine it's much
more daunting with a 3-year old who is also wanting your attention! I hope
you find a way to make it work and still meet your baby's needs. I wish you
lots
of help and great patience.
Inbal
Oh how I wish I could give you the magic solution that would make your baby
take two or three good naps a day and sleep through for 6-8 hours at night.
However, I can only offer that I have been there and it has gotten better. I
too
had a baby that I had to hold CONSTANTLY. She is now 17 months old and
still prefers to sleep with us or in my arms. However, she now goes to sleep
in
her crib every night and my husband puts her down awake. Most nights she
wants to come to bed with us around 4:30. And, she takes at least a 45 minute
nap in her crib before wanting to lie down with me for the rest of her nap.
If I
had it to do over again, I would have read Jodi A. Mindell's "Sleeping Through
the Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night's
Sleep" when she was 2 months old. I like Mindell's approach as it seems to be
somewhere in the mid-range between Ferber and Sears. Anyway, I would have
let Emily learn to put herself to sleep when she was 3 months old. I would
have
come up with gentle loving "sleep rules" with my husband and stuck with them
(i.e. no sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed until the sun comes up, or no
nursing before the sun comes up, etc) Now I realize that by being
wishy-washy
with the rules of sleep and catering too much Emily, we have set up an
unhealthy situation. However, I try to remind myself that in the big picture,
having a daughter who doesn't sleep through the night or take 2-hour naps on
her own is a very small problem. Also, she won't want to sleep with us when
she's 12 or 13 and I know at the point, I will miss the cuddles and love she
gives
when I do hold her to sleep or let her sleep in my bed!
Lisa
You could be describing my 14 m.o. daughter! I tried lots of different
things,
and finally came to terms with her temperment: she prefers to sleep with me
and
simply sleeps better when she is with me. I did what you described, letting
her
nap in the sling being the most successful. I would try every week or so to
transfer the sling off my back into the bed. Sometimes it would work,
sometimes
it wouldn't. If my back was really sore, I would just sit and read in a
rocking
chair while she napped. I also hired a mother's helper (a college student),
who
sometimes spent her time with the napping baby in the sling while I got things
done.
Does my daughter nap alone now? Sometimes. She's still not a big napper
(20-30 minutes solo is usually her limit), and she still takes her best naps
when I
lie down with her. I do sometimes envy friends whose babies take 2-3 hour
naps
in their cribs while they freely go about their business. Perhaps this is not
what
you want to hear, but there are trade-offs. Some of my friends have expressed
envy at how "cuddly" and "snuggly" my daughter is. I've simply given up on
the
idea of nap time being a chance for me to do anything significant. Because
I've
had to figure out how to do things with her around, I think she's knows a lot
about how things work in our world. She constantly surprises me with her
understanding. Please feel free to email if you want more strategies for
getting
specific things done (showering, housework, etc.) with a baby who likes to be
close.
Ilana
My daughter still prefers to nap together but she's slowly but surely
becoming able to solo nap more and more. She started by sleeping a lot in
the sling. Which was fine with me. I also sleep with her at night (which
we both still love at 14 months). For naps, I took our bed off the frame
and put it on the floor. I lay on the bed with her and nurse her down, and
when she drifts off, I slip off. This works very well for us. If she wakes
up
crying I assume she has not napped sufficiently and nurse her down again.
If she wakes up smiling and bubbly (the more usual case), I assume she is
well rested no matter how long the nap. Also, I've just discovered "tiny
waves" at the Y. She is napping unbelievably well after spending just a
half-hour in the water. I'm loving it. Best wishes to you.
Cheryl
Dec 2007
I'm at my wits end and would appreciate any
advice/encouragement anybody can provide! My baby boy falls
asleep okay by being walked around the house, but as soon as we
try to put him down he wakes up with his little arms flailing.
At night, i'm able to put him down (swaddled in the Miracle
Blanket) after he reaches deep sleep (about 20 minutes), but
this doesn't work during the day. My pediatrician told us we
should continue to hold him through naps for the time being
because his sleep is so important.
Has anybody else dealt with this?
Linda
Linda,
we had the same situation. Our daughter would nurse down and
stay down at night for a few hours (as long as she was swaddled
like a straight jacket and didn't get moved from bed to crib).
During the day however, she had to be held AND we had to be
moving. It was crazy, really. All those books say to ''sleep
when your baby sleeps.'' HA! that was just a joke for me, i
got my exercise when my baby slept! It isn't that odd, and we
could talk more offline if you'd like, there are some helpful
resources for parents of HN kids (including a yahoo group).
Take care of yourself, it isn't easy, but it will ease up
eventually.
Julie
I had the same issue w/ my daughter. I got a new native carrier
and would walk around the house w/ her in it. After she was
sleeping very soundly I would take it off her shoulder and lay
her down in the crib. I only did that at a certain age when I
thought she wouldn't get tangled in it. It helped me a bunch & I
used it for a very long time.
j
Jan 2005
My 4 month old sleeps very fitfully during the day unless she's
cradled in someone's arms. If I lay her down to sleep, she
only naps for 15 minutes or so and wakes up still tired and
cranky. If I hold her, she can sleep for an hour or more
(sometimes 2!). Oddly, she sleeps fine by herself at night. In
some ways, I don't mind holding her because I know she's only
small for so long and I should enjoy the time I have with her.
But she takes quite a few naps during the day and I get
extremely tired holding her (especially as she gets heavier)
and it limits what I can do around the house. I've tried using
a sling, but she hates it. I've also tried having her sleep in
the same place she sleeps in at night -- but it's no use. I'm
worried that when I go back to work, no childcare provider will
be willing to hold her the way I do during her naps and she
will have a tough transition. That said, I'm not going back to
work until she's 9 months. Is this something she'll grow out
of? Should I train her out of this now? What's the best
method? If anyone has had this experience before, I'd love to
hear from you. Thanks!
My 8 year old daughter was just like your baby. I was in
disbelief that a baby wouldn't sleep without being held but I
was desperate. She did this until 6 months then she started
sleeping in our bed for her naps. Hang in there and once in a
while try putting her down and see how it goes. I promise it
will change.
mary
Congratulations! This is completely normal. Enjoy your little
one and you chance to admire her while she sleeps....the time
will fly by and she will learn to sleep just fine without any
special help from you. If you need to be getting things done
while she's sleeping, slings are great!
Mom to 3
You're one step ahead of where we were when our baby was that
age . ! . . at least your baby sleeps well at night! Our daughter
never took a nap longer than 30-40 minutes until she was 9
months old, when we did sleep training, unless she was in my
arms. Even now, at 18 months, she will only sleep an hour or so
for a nap when she's at home, although she goes down eagerly and
happily. (At day care she routinely sleeps 2-3 hours.) When she
was 4 months old, I remember that she took a 30-40 minute nap
every 1-3 hours. Very inconvenient. And I think 4 months old is
too early for sleep training, though I'm sure others would
disagree. I, too, was very concerned about how my daughter would
sleep at day care, since she was such a poor sleeper. (She got
up every 1-3 hours at night until we suffered through sleep
training.) She and her day care provider worked it out, although
there were a couple of months where she would only sleep 30-45
minutes each day and those evenings were very hard. At her current day care, all of
the other children nap together in one
room, and our daughter is in another room . . . otherwise, she
won't sleep. In retrospect the only things I would do
differently with are: 1) I'd start sleep training earlier, maybe
at 6 months, and 2) I'd let her cry a bit longer before picking
her up. I tended to pick her up within seconds because I just
couldn't bear to hear her cry, but I think it interfered with
her ability to soothe herself, maybe? Who knows. Babies are all
so different. Good luck!
Mom of Wakeful Daughter
My son would never nap anywhere but on me either, and not in a
sling, though sometimes in the baby bjorn if i were out walking
about. I don't believe that at four months of age you can
humanely or even possibly get a baby to sleep on their own if
they don't want to. For whatever reason your daughter needs to
be held while she sleeps. It provi! des her with something that
her developing brain and nervous system require.
What you can do is figure out ways to get other things done
while she's napping. I would situate myself where I wanted to
be while I was nursing my son down to a nap. Sometime it would
be at the computer so I could work online. Sometimes, I'd sit
in front of the tv and knit. Or I'd read. Or sometimes I'd just
lay down with him and nap too. When your baby is mobile you're
not going to have time for these pleasures again. You may not
be getting housework done, but you are giving something
invaluable to your daughter and allowing for some adult
relaxation and entertainment for yourself; something that will
be in short supply for years to come.
human cradle
Yes, you probably want to train her out of this now, lest you
perpetuate the situation. Though, my daughter did grow out of
it somewhere around 4 to 5 months, meaning, she started to not
sleep so soundly nor for! as long while I was holding her. I
took that as a cue to start putting her down by herself in her
crib. The things that helped her nap for longer periods were:
a very dark room (invest in blackout shades), a toasty
temperature (I used a space heater), and lullaby music playing
very softly. I think the continuity of the background music
helped her go back to sleep if she started to wake up. She
only took 45 minute naps by herself, as opposed to a 1 or 2 (or
more!) hour nap on my lap in the late afternoons, however, she
was growing out of that nap pattern anyway (as I mentioned, she
started to not sleep as long on my lap). Your baby will
transition through different nap patterns over the next
months. Are you putting your daughter down by herself for naps
when she is awake or already asleep? If she is already asleep
when you put her down, I'm not surprised that she wakes in 15
m! inutes, as she surely is sensing the change in environment
(where did that warm body go?) and finds it hard to resettle
herself. I was able to nurse my baby to sleep and put her down
for a nap, but, again, I had the other things going on (dark
room, warm temperature, soft music) while I was nursing, so she
still had those three things as a constant when she roused a
little, so she was able to put herself back to sleep.
Tracy
Thank you for this post. This was me two/three months ago,
before I knew about the Berkeley Parents' Network as a
resource. It was uncanny to me that she could be bounced around
on my shoulder and arms without batting an eyelash, but as soon
as her head hit the bed, she would start wailing as if I had
dropped her on her head. She's now six months old and sleeps in
her crib, and with that comes good news and bad news.
The good news is, she sleeps in her crib, AND even falls asleep
on her own! It took a great deal of ''training'' her though. I
followed the advice of Tracy Hoag (not sure about the spelling),
the author of The Baby Whisperer. I put our baby in her crib
and would pat her leg and make shooshing sounds. She SCREECHED
the first few times I wouldn't pick her up, so of course I gave
in and picked her up. Once she stopped crying I would put her
back in her crib and leave. If she started crying hard and loud
again, I would do the same. This slowly evolved into NOT
picking her up and just patting and shooshing, which slowly
evolved into just putting her down when she was tired (eye
rubbing and a couple of fly-catching yawns). Every once in
awhile, she'll be cranky and need a few pats and shooshes and
some kissys, but she's pretty good about going to sleep on her
own. One! other thing that helped was to gently hold her legs
and one of her arms down while patting and shooshing, to keep
her from flailing about. I would lean over her and get really
close while shooshing so that she could look right at my smiling
face (which, luckily, my baby seems to fancy). This really
helped to calm her down quickly--I'm guessing it's the same
concept as when we swaddle them when they're younger. They've
outgrown the swaddling but not the discomfort of their still
foreign limbs floundering about in the wind.
You might also try the 5, 10, 15 minute version of ''crying it
out.'' I tried this method, and still occasionally use it, just
because personally I don't believe in the more resolute ''cry it
out'' version, though it has worked for others. The 5, 10, 15
minute version, as I practice it, is where you put the baby down
and when s/he starts to cry, you wait 5 minutes and go in to
start the patting and shooshing, then leave. If s/he starts
crying again, you wait 10 minutes and do the same. If the
crying persists, you continue but at 15 minute intervals. The
next night you start the process over but increase each interval
by 5 minutes, so initially you wait 10 minutes before going in,
then 15, then 20 for the remainder of the night. There's a
formal name for this method (named after the person who
invented/advocates it) that I don't recall at the moment. I
think the method works! . We never have to go in more than twice
and I feel better that Im not leaving her to stew in her own
tears until she exhausts herself and falls asleep. Granted, I
don't know if it makes a difference in her mind if I'm gone for
5 minutes or an hour, but it does make me feel better as
listening to her scream for just 5 minutes is heart-wrenching
enough.
More recently shes started to wake up a couple of times during
the night when from birth she slept through, so dont be
discouraged if your little one starts doing thisIm convinced
it too shall pass. The upside of when she does wake up (and
its not every night), is that she wakes up singing and babbling
in such a way thats wildly entertaining (thank God since her
crib is a foot and a half from our head). All in all, it took
at least a month to get her to go to sleep on her own, even
though Tracy Hoag suggests it takes a few days (ha-ha, you can
imagine my frustration).
I dont know if this helped or not, but take heart that you are
not alone! Ive come to appreciate, after reading and listening
to tons of advice, that every baby is just as unique as every
adult you meet. And over time as I get to know this little
person better and she gets to know me better, Im learning that
its OK to give in to lots of extra hugs and kisses at nap/bed
time (I mean, when I think about it, the reason I had a baby was
to pamper her with oodles of kisses, hugs, squeezes and the
like!), even if it means picking her up to do it, and shes
learning that its OK to be left alone and that I will come
back, and that sleep is actually an enjoyable thing.
Take Care!
Laura
Read The No Cry Sleep Solution by Pantley
sarah davis
Yes, she'll outgrow needing to be held while she naps. But
there's no saying when! Meanwhile, keep trying with the sling --
you may have better luck with a different position -- or other
carriers -- you might do better with a different type of sling,
a frontpack, a wrap, or a mei tai. Lots of good advice on that
subject is available in the discussion forums at
www.thebabywearer.com.
When the time comes to choose a childcare provider, first,
recognize that different caregivers are often successful doing
things that Mommy can't, but also, simply make it a non-
negotiable that whomever you entrust your child to must carry
her if that is necessary for her to sleep. Most nannies are
used to that; mine used an Asian cloth back carrier, or,
especially as baby got older, a stroller to induce good naps.
Please don't try to ''train'' your baby out of this need now
because of what you're afraid will be necessary later -- the
attempt will only frustrate both of you.
Babywearing mom
August 2003
Okay, so I have done the crying thing at night for my 8 month
old son....we now have it down to about 7 minutes. The only
thing is, it's really hard to get him down for a nap - even
though I know he is tired. Are naps supposed to be ferberized
too? I have to hold him in the sling until he falls asleep -
not always easy to do 2-3 times a day. Any advice would help.
Thanks!
anon
I don't think ferberizing is necesary. your baby is almost at
the age where he will tak only take one nap per day. I continue
to rock, or nurse my 16 month old to sleep for his one afternoon
nap. I enjoy the connection. women have been rocking their
babies to sleep for thousands of years. Studies have shown
that ''ferberized'' babies initialy do sleep better, however over
the period of a few months the ferberized babies end up with the
same sleeping patterns as ''unferberized'' babies. If this is so,
I don't know if it is worth the heartache for you or the baby.
enjoy your bonding moments, you won't have them forever.
anon
HELP!! I need some advice about an eight month old infant who will not
sleep alone for naps. Our infant sleeps with us through the night in
the 'family bed.' During the day she takes two naps (Anywhere from1-2
hrs.), and at night one before bed time (same time amt.). Up till about 4.5
mos. she would sleep by herself in a swing, or bouncy seat. We returned from
a trip and she would no longer continue sleeping when I would lay her down.
Now, she takes all her naps in the front carrier( Baby Bjorn). (She does
sleep in the car, but that's really no help) I tried at one point to put
her in the crib and she cried solid for 45 mins. and ten days straight. She's
terribly unhappy when she doesn't sleep (and so am I) and I realize this is a
situation that I am not going to be able to keep up much longer. Is
this just a phase? Has any one else gone through this? Any advice would be
greatly appreciated.
My baby was very finicky about naps also- he is now a year and a half. For
the first few months he would only sleep on me. Then, he would nap in our
bed but only if I was there, napping next to him. If I left, he would wake
up in 20 mins, and I would have to start all over again. He has always
slept with us at night, and we do not even have a crib. Now, at a year and
a half, things are alot better! However, I must say that he is still
nursing and he always nurses before napping/bedtime if I am present. Some
tips: Does your baby go to daycare? Mine does, and he takes a nap in a
small crib with wooden slats on wheels. They rock the crib, and he goes to
sleep without nursing. I noticed during a recent vacation in a hotel,
where we got a portable wooden crib just for fun, that he wanted to go in
the crib and we would rock it, and he would go to sleep! So now we are
buying one of these cribs for naps. It doesnot work with the plastic
portacribs- I think it is because he is used to his wooden crib at daycare
(he's been going since 3.5 mons). Also, at home for naps, we lay down on
our bed, nurse, he falls asleep and now I can pretty much get right up and
go. Same with bedtime now. I am hoping that I can reduce/replace the
nursing with rocking in the crib. I am a first time Mom, and I am sure by
experienced Mom standards I am being too "soft"on my baby, but this is my
choice. It seems to me that my baby just needed a body next to him for a
long time. Now he is more confident in all areas of his little life,
including being able to sleep without a parent next to him all the time. I
have a long way to go before he sleeps on his own in his own room at night-
but I am in no hurry. This involves an attitude of my husband and I. We
still both like having the baby in the bed, and we are all able to sleep
better and better together. I think it is a stage, and it is great for
your baby if you can be near her as much as possible. It does get better!
Maybe this is a simplistic solution, and not what you were looking for,
but what I always did with my baby was to lie down with her to go to sleep
at naptime and nurse her. She would fall asleep, and I didn't have to move
her, all I did was get up...although of course sometimes I would fall
asleep too. Maybe this is setting up bad habits in some ways, but I now
have a 2 yr old who falls asleep w/o nursing although she is not weaned
and doesn't need me to lay down next to her, just be close by. For me this
was the path of least resistence. Also, by 8 months, I'd say it is much
more comfortable to have a napping child in a back carrier, which my girl
also slept in many times (because I was working, not because she needed to be
close really) - and we have worn out 2 so far! Good luck.
My child also wouldn't nap alone, until he was about 7
months old; I always had to carry him, or lie down and
nap with him. Then I started being able to nurse him
to sleep in our bed, and slip away after he fell
asleep. I just kept trying this and it gradually got
easier. He's had a couple of little periods for a week
or two where it hasn't worked again since then; he
just wakes up as soon as I try to leave. But mostly
it's worked well, and he's generally in a pattern of
sleeping anywhere from 2 to 4 hours. He did go to one
nap a day pretty early, probably because I didn't want
to be lying down with him 2 or 3 times a day, but he
seems to be fine with this. I'm sure some people would
say this is a terrible habit, but he's a year and a
half now and it's worked well all this time, and I
figure he won't need me to fall asleep eventually.
He's already starting to fall asleep on his own
occasionally when I just lie down next to him, so I'm
just going to let it happen as he's ready.
Dec 2007
Any parents of high-need/spirited babies out there who can
share some similar experiences and insight? Our 9-month-old son
will only nap on me when he is laying on my chest while I lean
back in a reclining chair and try to take a nap. I would be okay
with this if he were lighter, but he already weighs 24 pounds
now. It often feels oppressive (I've got chronic
neck/shoulder/back pains from holding him so much) and I feel
like I never get a break during the day.
I know I'm lucky he'll sleep 9-10 hours straight in his crib at
night (after a long, heart-wrenching process of sleep training)
though he wakes by 4am and will no longer sleep on his own after
that time.
I have tried pretty much everything others have suggested. My
son usually nurses to sleep (or I'll hold him and sit on a
fitness ball to bounce him to sleep) but will not nurse in our
bed or sleep in our bed. He has a lovey but it's not enough. He
never wanted a pacifier. He refuses to sit in a stroller. He'll
occasionally fall asleep in the car but will wake when we stop
moving. He'll sometimes fall asleep in an Ergo carrier but not
for long. If I manage to put him down when he's in a deeper
sleep he'll wake within 30 minutes (after the first sleep cycle)
and cry hysterically (while he will nap an hour and a half laying
on us). This also happens if I keep him laying across a boppy
pillow on my lap after he nurses to sleep.
We have tried crying-it-out methods (from Ferber & Weissbluth)
but last week, he was able to go three days without sleeping
during the day and could cry nonstop for up to 2+ hours standing
up in his crib if we let him. I couldn't take it anymore and
have come to a conclusion for now that crying it out simply will
not work for spirited babies who are more sensitive and
persistent than most children.
I know many of our family and friends think I am crazy for
letting my son nap on me. Then there is the attachment parenting
perspective about not letting your baby cry-it-out. I feel so
conflicted, and I keep hoping he will grow out of this so that I
don't have to resort to trying the nap training again.
I'm interested in hearing specifically from parents of
high-need/spirited children who have dealt with similar sleep
challenges. I have yet to meet another parent whose baby is as
spirited (as described by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka in ''Raising your
Spirited Child'') and high-need (described by Dr. Sears in ''The
Baby Book'') as mine.
Exhausted Mama
Dear Exhausted Momma-
I feel for you--we had the same situation and our daughter is
now 3 1/2. I have lots of empathy for you, it is quite hard
not to have an independent sleeper at that age, especially when
everyone else around you is getting these 2 hour naps out of
their kids! My only thoughts are to just pace yourself. Your
son isn't likely to change his sleep needs anytime soon. Find
yourself some support (can a loving grandmother or sitter walk
him around the block for a nap now and again?), get help with
your body (massage, chiropractic, acupuncture, etc.) and
remember that it is a marathon and not a sprint with kids like
this. Take care of yourself as much as is humanly possible
given the situation and otherwise just know that your son is
getting his needs met. It's just that simple. His needs are
different from other kids and while it is exhausting, it's not
wrong or bad. Please feel free to email me offline if you want
to talk more. There is also a yahoo group for parents of HN
kids that is really useful.
Julie
That sounds so familiar! Our 9 month old son refuses to nap on
weekends when his father and I are both home (he naps quite well
on weekdays with his nanny - about 4 hours/day). On the
weekends, though, we have to wear him in a sling or Ergo until
he falls asleep, and then lie down with him on top of us. I
have chosen to take the attitude that this incredibly sweet
experience will end soon, and he will be so independent that I
will treasure the time when he only wanted to be with us. We
are lucky, though, in that we don't experience any physical
pain. Maybe try setting up some wedge pillows in bed to support
your back and nap there?
Mama of snuggly boy
We had lots of sleep problems with our baby, too. Karen Pollak made a tremendous
difference for us and I highly recommend her. She's a very professional sleep
consultant. Her website is babies2sleep.com.
anon
Feb 2002
Has anyone out there successfully done sleep training (Cry it out) for
naps? My 11 mo. daughter is very, uh, driven and only falls asleep
for naps in a sling listening to mellow music or in the car. This is
okay for now as a 20 pounder but I'm thinking about the future. She
falls asleep on her own at night (we sleep trained at 6 mos.) and
usually sleeps through. Anyway, if you have, I'd like to read a
description.thanks!
We sleep trained our daughter for naps when she was about 4 months old (she
is now eight months.) I have found it to be largely successful, although
she sometimes protests going to sleep more than she does at night. I
basically decided that no matter what, she should have some down time in her
crib every day, so I put her down for a nap at least once a day. I chose
the nap times by first observing when she was tired each day, and found that
a pattern emerged. Now I just put her down at those times. Occasionally
she boycotts her naps, but that seems to be her way (once in a while she
wakes frequently at night too.) She seems much happier for it, and is
certainly a more cheerful baby with enough rest. It has been a tremendous
relief not to have to fight to get her to take a nap by having to drive
around for hours or take endless walks. I think we both appreciate the
routine. Good luck!
We sleep trained our daughter for naps when she was about 4 months old (she
is now eight months.) I have found it to be largely successful, although
she sometimes protests going to sleep more than she does at night. I
basically decided that no matter what, she should have some down time in her
crib every day, so I put her down for a nap at least once a day. I chose
the nap times by first observing when she was tired each day, and found that
a pattern emerged. Now I just put her down at those times. Occasionally
she boycotts her naps, but that seems to be her way (once in a while she
wakes frequently at night too.) She seems much happier for it, and is
certainly a more cheerful baby with enough rest. It has been a tremendous
relief not to have to fight to get her to take a nap by having to drive
around for hours or take endless walks. I think we both appreciate the
routine. Good luck!
I followed Marc Weissbluth's recommendations on sleep training for naps in
his book ''Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child''. He talks about getting
babies to sleep just *before* they are really tired, when they are most
susceptible to sleep (when you go beyond that window, they get wired with
their second-wind!). He also discusses the importance of consistency in nap
times and nap places (he's against car naps, for example). It might be
useful to read. As for me, when my infant was about 6 months old, I put her
down after nursing & patting for a few minutes. The first two days she
cried 45 minutes (which was hard since that was the duration of her naps at
that age!) but finally went to sleep. By day 3 she was falling asleep on
her own. (By the way, I sleep with her at night so she had a different nap
routine than nighttime routine, which didn't seem to matter too much.)
Since you've already done sleep training at night it shouldn't be that new
for her. Just try to be home for naps and follow the same routine and time
each day (at least at first).
Our son changed his schedule around the age of your child from taking two
shorter naps to one longer nap a day, so perhaps the resistance is due to
this sort of change. We found it helps to have a routine for naps just as
you would for going to bed at night. I try to keep naptimes regular from
day to day (as with his rising and bedtimes) so that I am not trying to put
an overtired baby down. At that age, I began taking him out every morning
for an hour plus of physical activity like the park, etc and because he
could walk, run and motor around, he would be worn out by the early
afternoon. He eats lunch and then about 1/2 hour later after some subdued
activity like reading or watching a video perhaps, goes down for a nap. I
tell him it is naptime and take him down to his room. I close the blinds in
his room, give him a bottle if he wants it, and put him in the crib with his
blankies, which is pretty much the same as at night with the difference
being the light level and some singing. It seems that he knows what to
expect and he does well on a regular routine. He may fuss a few minutes but
generally settles down pretty quickly. If he cries in a really distressed
way for say five minutes, I go pick him up and make sure all is OK. A few
days he has just not wanted to nap, and if he isn't asleep after 1/2 hour I
would get him up and try later. Good luck.
I would like to offer a counter balance to the sleep training responses. I
look to other mammals for examples on how to help my baby learn to enter the
world of sleep with confidence. Puppies, kittens, bear cubs, gorilla
babes...none are left to sleep alone. Mammal babies left alone are at risk
so they instinctively cry so the mother can find them. Responding or not
responding to the cry may be a rational decision on our part, but making the
cry is not for human babies as it is not for kittens. So why do we say we
should not respond? A mother bear would not put her cub in another cave and
listen to it cry, occasionally going in and patting it. If we humans find a
not-yet-walking-puppy left crying outside the nest, we put it back in among
the other sleeping puppies out of pity and concern. Why then, do we humans
sometimes leave our own babies to face the perhaps confusing and frightening
world of sleep alone, waiting for the baby to give up trying to get us to
respond? I think we humans may have over-intellectualized issues regarding
sleep and children. Maybe mothers who find it difficult to let their babies
''cry it out'' should trust their gut feelings and not let others' ideas
interfere with their quite normal emotional response.
November 2002
Okay: I know everyone has sleep problems with her kids but I am
DESPERATE.
I have recently changed nannies for my 13 month old and
apparently her original nanny got her in the habit of only
napping while being held. I think what would happen is the
nanny would give her a bottle and then rock her until she was
basically asleep, but then the baby would cry when she was going
to be put in the crib, so the nanny would just hold her for 2
hours. I did not observe this on the weekend (though she would
often fall asleep in the car I could still put her in her
crib).
Now the new nanny has pointed out the problem to me. The baby
will be completely asleep in the nanny's arms, but when placed
in the crib, will cry and cry and stand up until picked up.
At night, I can give her a bottle, cuddle in the rocker and then
put her right down in the crib awake, and after sometimes some
minor protests she will voluntarily lie down and sleep (usually
with some back-rubbing from me, and she likes to have me stay in
the room until she is pretty much asleep).
But then, she is often up 3 times per night, say 1, 3 and 6am.
I think we are minimizing that, but obviously she is conditioned
to have me pat her back to get to sleep.
But what about the naps? I don't want to have her cry it out
(especially since I work full time and don't want to entrust the
nanny to do that). Do I have to ''not get her back out of the
crib'' once she is put in? How on Earth do I get her to nap in
the crib?
I would love your advice.
Thanks!
This was my kid when he was little! It is very difficult. From
infancy, when he was very colicky, he would only fall asleep being
held and with his wriggly fingers inside my mouth (weird, I know).
He still woke up every hour until about a year. Around that time
we finally had him falling asleep just holding my hand, and he
would ''only'' wake up four or five times a night. He used to have
his own room, but we quickly learned he did better sleeping in
ours.
We slowly continued to work with him, pushing him a little beyond
what he really wanted (to be held constantly) but not to the point
where he was crying and miserable. At about a year and half he
made a decision to try it on his own, and began trying to fall
asleep by himself. He still woke up at night, but would go back
to sleep with a simple pat and reassurance. By two years old, he
had become one of the best sleepers we know. By three, he'd tell
us he was tired, and put himself to bed on his own.
Just trying to encourage you a bit. I believe the reason he's
such a great sleeper (anywhere, anytime he's tired) is that we
allowed him to develop the skill at his own rate. I know lots of
people say you train your child to wake up, and I'm sure it's
true, but it was more important to us that he learn he could
depend on us to always be there, and I think it's paid off in the
long run.
One more thought. We made a huge leap in sleeping when we moved
him from his crib (where he'd only slept a couple hours each night
anyway, before moving to ours), to a mattress on the floor next to
us. A portable guard rail kept him from falling off, he didn't
feel ''jailed'' anymore, and I could just sleepily reach over the
side of my bed if he started to wake up.
Don't know if you nanny will be willing to ease your kid over the
hump like this, but thought I'd just pass along our experience in
case it was helpful.
Good luck, and hang in there.
Michelle
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