Berkeley Parents Network: Helping toddlers fall asleep (12-24 mos)

Berkeley Parents Network

Helping toddlers fall asleep (12-24 mos)

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Sleep > Helping toddlers fall asleep

16-month-old can't fall asleep on her own

2001

I am sure this topic has been discussed before. However, we are fairly new to the newsletter. We are looking for advice on success, methods, warnings, etc. relating to helping our one-year old learn to fall asleep on her own. My wife breast fed her to sleep for the first twelve months. She is no longer breast feeding. We can get her to sleep with a bottle, but want to be able to put her down awake and have her fall asleep on her own. We are aware of the numerous "cry it out" methods and already have the books. In addition, our daughter has found her way into our bed and now wakes up 30min after being put down and wants to sleep with us. This is a huge problem because she is a big-time "thrasher" and we are afraid of hurting her or ourselves. We love the idea of having her sleep with us, but we also want our time together. Further complicating this is that our daughter's crib is in our room. We will be moving her to another room. We are committed to teaching her how to fall asleep on her own for our sake and her own. Any help/advice on trying this with a one-year old would be appreciated.

My daughter just had her first birthday last week and has just started sleeping through the night. My husband and I thought it would never happen but it finally did. Of course, we're now experiencing a minor set back because some new teeth are erupting and she has a cold, but nevertheless after she turned one, she gave us 2 weeks of 6-8 hours sleep a night.

We've got a routine that we follow and it seems to work for us, thought I pass this along - feel free to try anything.

Part of the problem I discovered, is that if my daughter didn't get her fill of dinner (and babies don't or can't tell you at this age), she'd wake up hungry. Nursing or the bottle will only curb the hunger for a couple of hours. So, try to really "stuff" your baby before bedtime. Basically, my daughter gets 4 and a half meals a day. Cereal, lunch, and snack at daycare. Regular baby food when we get home, then "dinner" with us.

Then we have a couple of hours of playtime, if your baby is crawling or walking, hide-n-seek in the house works. Keep them on the move to wear them out. After playtime, we give her a nice warm bath to unwind, be sure to give them plenty of time to play in the water, otherwise they'll be cranky if you pull them out too soon (not a pretty sight).

Then she gets whisked to a quiet, dimly lit bedroom to nurse. If your baby has a favorite blanket/toy/thing to hold, let them hold/finger it now. I like to stroke my daughter's hair or rub her hands and fingers while I nurse. Once I get her really relaxed I can try to lay her down in her crib. If she starts to protest, then I cuddle her next to me on our bed and stroke her head until she's asleep (5-10 minutes and she out), then I put her in her own crib and she's usually out until 5am. Of course, right now this is not working because of the cold, but in general it does work. With our baby, I've figured out that she really just misses us and just needs reassurance that I/we'd be there when she wakes up. Sometimes its just enough to just let her lay cuddled in my arms until she goes to sleep.

We tried the "let her cry" thing too, but both of us were "wimps" and didn't let it go too long. Our routine works for us and patience really goes a long way too. Hope this helps some of you. Mitzi

16-month-old can't fall asleep on her own

July 2004

Every night, my husband and I must sit with our 16 month-old daughter in her room until she falls asleep. If she hears us tiptoeing away, she will stand up in her crib and cry. Sometimes it takes her 45 minutes to an hour to fall asleep. We're expecting a second baby in a few months and I fear I won't have the time nor energy to do this every night. We'd like to be able to do her usual bedtime ritual, put her in her crib, kiss her good night and walk away. Is this reasonable? How can we train her to fall asleep by herself? Sleepy mom

Your fears are correct. You have to stop staying with her - immediately. I would get a copy of Penelope Leach's ''Your Baby from Birth to Age Five'' at the library and read the section on getting babies/toddlers to sleep. Basically, you stick to a normal routine - bath, toothbrushing, books and songs, etc - and then tell her it's time to sleep and you're leaving. Then LEAVE. When she cries, come right away but stay for only 30 seconds MAX. Tell her again that it's time for sleeping and that when she cries again you will take longer to come back. LEAVE. She will cry. After 5 minutes, go in and tell her again , in only 30 seconds that it's time to sleep and that you won't be back in if she cries - for 5 minutes. And, do that. This will take about 45 minutes or so the first night. A little less the second, etc. It should only last for a week or two - is quite difficult while it's happening, but truly works. It's not ''crying it out'' as Ferber recommends, rather helping her to be alone with you near by, visiting occasionally and BRIEFLY. Remind her that you love her on each visit. And, stay happy and upbeat on the visits, not sad and concerned. But, be quick! 30 seconds at each visit. In my 4 y.o.'s life, we've had to do this routine about once a year - new fears, etc. It always works. Sleeping at last.

Have you tried fiddling with her bed time? Maybe she just isn't tired yet. My 16 month old has been having a similar issue the past few weeks, so I have started to move her bed time to 8 o'clock which seems to be taking care of the problem. That said, she had a great routine until recently hence my adjustment.

If that doesn't work, perhaps try some white noise in her room (fan or something else) to allow you a bit more freedom of movement.

And lastly, you may just have to let her cry it out. I went through about a week of the 45 minute cry sessions (I made visits in between) several months ago to get her into her routine.

Although we never wanted to ''Ferberize'' our child we did and it worked in three nights! Abbie

Go about it very gradually...move farther and farther away from the crib each night. Establish a fun bedtime routine. We went through the same thing with my now-2.5 year old. It took about 2 months to get him having a good routine, but he was over two when we started. Now he does just go to bed like you desire. Be patient, and gradual. Heather

Just had to respond to a previous message that suggested a gradual approach to teaching your child to sleep. The post-er credited Penelope Leach (whose book is great for many reasons) for this approach, but then wrote ''It's not 'crying it out' as Ferber recommends...'' In fact this approach is EXACTLY what Ferber recommends. Ferber actually developed this approach as a more humane alternative to ''letting the baby cry it out,'' meaning putting the baby down and letting him/her cry until they fall asleep. Ferber instead came up with this gradual process of going in to reassure the baby at progressively longer intervals until they give up and go to sleep. Now don't get me wrong, this does involve a lot of crying. When the parent goes in to reassure the baby, without picking her up, the baby cries even harder. But eventually the baby not only goes to sleep but learns how to go to sleep by herself. I used this approach on my 1st child when she was 14 months or so, and just like everyone says it involves about 45 min of crying the first night and 3 nights until you are done, but after that you can put the baby down awake and they will go to sleep! Another thing though that I didn't know ahead of time is that it is not a ''once and for all'' kind of thing. We had to do a little ''refresher course'' after travelling, illness, and the like, but it was never as bad as the first time. You can check out an overview at: http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/7755.html btw, Ferber also has a gradual process for night weaning that doesn't involve a lot of crying. --found Ferber useful, not heartless

Helping 18-month-old fall asleep

July 1999

We have an 18 month girl. Since she was a newborn we've always helped her to fall asleep by first nursing and then rocking & singing songs or walking & singing songs. She usually falls asleep in five to twenty minutes or two to four songs. Our general routine now-a-days is that I nurse her and then my husband picks her up, walks around the room holding her & singing to her until she falls asleep. He's finding this increasingly difficult because she squirms and seems to want to lay down, even though she's not asleep yet. We think she might be outgrowing it. But when we lay her down and try to sing to her she just flops around and eventually sits up and then gets frustrated and cries. We read to her, but she likes to sit up and look at the pictures and is usually very engaged in the experience. We can't just lay her down and walk out of the room because she sleeps on a futon next to ours and she would just crawl off and come and find us. We also don't want to have to make her cry it out. We know that we're going to have deal with some protesting, but we want to be there beside her until she falls asleep and gets used to the new routine (what ever that might be!). Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for weening a child from being walked or rocked to sleep to just laying her down and somehow soothing her to sleep another way.

I had a similar experience with my now 23 mo. old son when he was about your daughter's age in that he seemed restless when I held him and it seemed clear he would be more comfortable lying down. Since I was rocking him to sleep, I began the process of moving towards having him fall asleep on his crib by telling him for a few nights that soon we were going to try having a short "cuddle time" in the rocking chair and then I would put him in his nice cozy crib to go to sleep, but that I would sit in the chair next to his bed until he fell asleep. To my amazement, this transition went very well. The first night was a disaster, I think because I let him get too drowsy in my arms and so it was a shock to him when I set him down. I ended up holding him until he was deeply asleep because I knew I couldn't let him cry it out. I tried again the next night, setting him down when he was sleeping, but clearly aware that he was being put in the crib. Initially, he didn't cry, but decided he would sit up and play. Knowing that he was tired and ready to sleep if he would just relax, I told him I would only sit in the chair if he kept his head down and was quiet. I did have to leave the room several times (just for a minute or two) over several nights, and he did cry or yell at me when I left, but he immediately put his head down when I came back. (Obviously, this will be harder for you with your baby on a futon, but I guess you could just close the doors so she can't leave the room even if she crawls off the futon). Within three or four days, I did not have to leave the room at all, and now lots of time he tells me "crib time" when he's ready to go to sleep. (Of course, there are occasional nights where he tries playing, but now it is usually enough for me to just say to him "if you want mommy to stay in the room, you need to lie quietly in your bed". Also, I made a point of not singing or patting him when I started this as I wanted his faaling asleep to be as much like it will be when I'm not in the room, whenever we get around to making that transition.

By the way, don't feel bad if an approach like this doesn't work for you and don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Every child and situation is different. I tried something like this with my first child to wean him from our family bed and he literally jumped out of the crib. He was over three before I was able to wean him out of our bed and get him to fall asleep on his own, which we did very gradually, by checking him every 3, 5, etc.minutes until he fell asleep without someone in the room with him, and he still comes into our bed when he wakes at night (which is okay with us). Our second child, who is now happily going to "crib time" never wanted anything to do with our family bed and got very angry whenever I tried to bring him there. A book I found helpful for ideas re sleep is "Sleep: how to teach your child to sleep like a baby" by Tamara Eberlein - ISBN # 0-671-88038-1. You can get it from Amazon.com. It covers the gamut from crying it out to constant reassurance without being judgemental about any approach. Another book which I believe had a sensitive approach, but I haven't looked at it for a while is "Winning Bedtime Battles - How to help your child develop good sleep habits" by Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D., and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo, M.E.D. Good luck!

I had the same experience: what I learned is that singing rocking and walking were all keeping my little one awake. He needed real quiet and to be put down, sat next to for a while. It took a while for the ajustment to happen, but it worked. Good Luck!

You could try stroking her hair or rubbing or lightly scratching her back in a soothing rhythm after putting her down on her bed. soothing rhythm after putting her down on her bed. Make sure that she knows it's a special treat. The element of ritual may help. Our baby has a musical windup toy that helps him get into a sleepy mood. We start lowering the lights and talking more quietly well before the actual bedtime, so that he can get into a sleepy mood more easily. We try not to vary the routine too much as bedtime approaches, and especially not to get him excited anywhere near bedtime. We also keep his sleep area very dark, which helps him orient himself to his sleep/wake cycle.

My experience, and I must note I get flack for it from family, but I don't care. I had the same problem with my son wanting me there while he fell asleep. He used to have a tot-bed pushed up against my bed, but needed me there to fall asleep. What I started doing was lying him down, lying down next to him and reading to him where he could see the pictures without sitting up (with a very low light). The limit was one or two books and then I would pick up my own book and read. He would toss and turn, crawl around sometimes, but would eventually fall asleep. He is now 8 years old and we still do this except now we read chapter books that are a little too hard for him to read by himself. When I'm done reading the chapter, I still pick up my own book. If he has been good about taking his shower and getting himself to bed on time he will have time to read from his own book too. Then he falls asleep feeling secure and happy. Some people think it's horrible - I get comments from family members about how spoiled this makes him. Sometimes I could use the time for something else and sometimes I fall asleep with him and don't get to do things I needed to do, but - because I work full time we have so little time together I don't care. This is quality time! You would not believe the precious conversations we've had during this quiet together time. Oh, and his reading level is way up there for his age!

Advice for helping child fall asleep: I'm a One Family Bed person, so my perspective comes from that direction. When I found myself at your point (my child is now 10 years old), I simply laid down next to her until she fell asleep. I timed it so I had a nice rest, and then got up and had a second evening. Sometimes it took a long time (1/2 hour), but in retrospect, that was a time I very much enjoyed. I had another older child, so it gave me a rest to then have a better evening time with her instead of being worn out from the day. Eventually, and I truly can't remember exactly when (although it may have been a whole year later) my littlest one would then simly go to sleep on her own. I think what's important is not engaging in conversation, etc., but being there and being very quiet and still while they settle down and go to sleep. I remember a 2-month period where she wanted to go to sleep on my stomach. So I let her, and then gently turned and rolled her over onto the bed. After the two months, she then wanted to go to sleep on her own. The other key is finding the right bedtime for your child -- my daughter's slowly moved from 7:30-8:20 -- don't know why, but 8:20 was the point at which she was quite ready to go to sleep for at least 2 years. Not 8:15, not 8:30. It does no more good to put a child in bed when they're not tired than it does to do so for yourself. Good luck. It's really nice to hear about other people who are working with their child instead of focusing on separating. The American society is alone. The American society is alone in its separatist attitude towards its young. I still don't understand it.

Here's a piece of advise on this one. When you're reading in order to get them to go to sleep, don't be very animated about it. Read verrrrry slowly and verrry softly. I found Dr. Suess' _Sleep Book_ to be perfect for the task. The sing-song repetition of nonsense always worked for us.

I haven't been following the whole thread on putting a child to sleep, but more power to the person (woman?) who puts child to sleep by reading to/with him at night. That quality time *is* very special. I do something similiar with my five year old son. And I too don't care about the flack either.

20-month-old can't fall asleep

I am seeking advice on our 20-month-old's sleep problems. At daycare she will lie down for her nap (with binky) without being rocked to sleep. At home, it's a different story. She is rocked to sleep at naptime (I've tried to just put her down, but she won't go to sleep - and yes, she is tired), to go to sleep at night, and if she wakes up in the middle of the night (I know! I know!). My daughter, for those on the list a while now, is the one who used to vomit if she cried for 5 minutes so we didn't let her cry it out and rocked her to sleep to avoid the vomiting. Our pediatrician even said it was OK at the time (she was sleeping through the night no problem - just needed to be rocked to sleep). Anyway, so now we have created a very difficult situation for my husband and me, who are very sleepshort particularly of late, as she gets up several times in the middle of the night (and falls asleep instantly in our arms when we pick her up and sit with her in the rocking chair, but jumps up and cries as soon as we put her back in her crib - aren't you glad you don't live at our house?!?!). Eventually she's out enough that we can put her down again and she sleeps through it. Last night, for example, she went to sleep at 7:40, woke up at 10pm, it took my husband about 45 minutes to get her down again and then she was up at 11pm again. It took me, miraculously, only 15 minutes to get her down again and then she slept through the night and was still sleeping at 6:20am this morning when I left to go to work (my husband does drop off at daycare in the morning). The past two nights have been nightmares of being up for hours with her (2.5-3 hours). So, what type of behavior modification can we do at this late stage to set things on track? Any and all advice appreciated. I realize it will no doubt get worse before it gets better, but we are ready to make it better. By the way, she no longer vomits if she cries for a while, thank goodness
Our 4 year old is a very good sleeper once she is asleep but she has terrible time settling down every night. It usually takes her 30 minutes to an hour to fall asleep. Any strategies from parents who have dealt with this situation would be appreciated, including herbal/ homeopathic remedies (like Calms) that are effective.

My 5-year-old takes a long time to fall asleep, easily an hour. She's very active & intense & gets so wound up during the day that she can't go straight to sleep, even after a soothing bath and being read to. However, it isn't a problem for either of us. I put her to bed around 8 p.m., she has a small night light by her bed, and a basket with various toys, books, etc. I say good-night & close her door, and the rules are that 1) she must stay in her bed (or at least in her room), 2) she must be fairly quiet, and 3) I am not available anymore until morning. But she doesn't have to go to sleep until she is ready (after all, you can't *make* them sleep (oooh, if only they designed these critters with off switches!!), you can only set up a situation conducive to sleeping). She plays with her little toys or pretends to read her books or sings to herself. I'll hear her faintly for anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour, eventually she drifts off. She just needs that much quiet time alone to unwind.

To the woman whose five year old plays by herself until she falls asleep How do you get her to stay in her room without you? No matter what I've tried my just turned 5 year old will not stay in his room by himself after his bedtime routine. How do you handle it when he shares the room with his 15 month old brother?

Someone asked how I get my five-year-old daughter to stay in her room after I put her to bed. Well, I don't "get" her to do it, she just does it & I don't know why, it's a mystery and a blessing (as she is a very challenging child in other areas of behavior). However, my older daughter was terrible about staying in her room when she was around 4 or 5. Not only would she think of a million excuses to come out, one time she actually came out without even pretending to have an excuse, five minutes after I'd said good night, and presented herself to me in the living room saying "Here I am!" The next day I started the star routine. For every night that she stayed in her room after I said good night, she'd get a star the next morning. After 10 stars she'd get a prize, some little toy or treat. She loved getting stars, and while it wasn't 100% successful right away, it did motivate her to form a new habit. Each star she earned was stuck on the wall over her bed, and as they accumulated it was something she could point to with pride & I could take comfort in seeing how many peaceful evenings I'd had. After maybe 3 or 4 months she had gotten so good at staying in her room that I started "forgetting" to give her a star each day, and eventually we decided that she didn't need stars anymore because she had done such a good job of learning to stay in her room.

We have a similar problem. Lately our two year old has trouble falling asleep. We do our routine of bath, and then stories/singing songs. He always insists that we stay with him until he falls asleep. He sleeps in a toddler bed, and if we leave the room before he is almost asleep, he hops out of bed and follows us. So leaving him to cry it out is not a realistic option. Lately, he just doesn't fall asleep. He lies down quietly, and really tries, but stays awake. We found out he falls asleep at 9:30 no matter when we put him in bed. Since the change of clock he also wakes up earlier, before 7:00. Last week we told his teachers to wake him up from his nap after he had slept for an hour and a half (he used to sleep for two hours or more). So far, we haven't seen any changes. Does anyone have suggestions?

Helping 2-yr-old to go to bed w/o mom

December 2002

Due to a series of minor events (i.e. sickness, fatigue, relocation) during the last year, I have developed a consistent habit of lying down on a futon with my now 2-year-old daughter when she goes to bed. Because this has been going on for so long, she is unable (unwilling?) to be put down by herself. She also needs to touch my arm or elbow to help her sleep (i.e. my skin instead of a security blanket) and gets upset if I don't let her. pI am expecting a second child in a few months and am looking for suggestions for steps to take now that will put me in a better place come spring. I could use some help on how to ''wean'' my daughter from this bedtime ritual, as well as myself since I rather enjoy being with my daughter in this way. Should I change cold turkey or gradually? Is Ferberizing possible with a 2-year-old who sleeps on a futon? Am I worrying too much? Should I wait-and-see until #2 comes along? Early to bed

I say enjoy that special bonding time with your child as long as you can. Some of my favorite memories as a child are when my mom came to stay with me. And the older they get, the more it becomes a time to open up and share. That said, when the 2nd comes you will need to be able to skip or shorten the ritual occasionally so find some rules that work for your child. My first always fell asleep quickly so I would stay as long as her eyes were closed and she was trying to sleep. My second only falls asleep quickly when he hasn't had a nap, so if he had a nap that day, I stay for 10 minutes then he's on his own. Figure out ways to shortcut now that work for your child but then enjoy it as often as you can! Julie K.

2.5 year old cannot fall asleep by himself

August 2002

My 2.5 year old does not go to sleep by himself. For the first year+ I always nursed him to sleep, then rocked him to sleep and now he still likes me to lay in his bed until he falls asleep. I have never let him ''cry it out'' or did any kind of ''sleep training'' because It didn't feel right.I wanted to know if anyone else out there has done this with their child, and what age I might expect him to want to go to sleep on his own? His Doctor was very critical of this when he was one year, and while I did and do not feel like I am making a mistake, I would like to hear other opinions on this matter. Thanks! Lisa

I didn't want to do the cry it out thing either, but we finally did and it only took three nights with every 5, then 10 minute pats on the back, and our kids finally sleep on their own. I must say, I believe my kids are as happy about as we are. I. S.

Our 4 year old still needs someone to lie down with him in bed until he falls asleep at night. Totally normal. Naps are hard, though, especially at 2.5. We didn't do the cry it out thing but we didn't give him any tools to work with either, which I regret. Our son stopped napping when he was around 3 years old so it might be that your kid is moving on from napdom (if so, sorry!). If he still needs a nap, you can always walk him in the stroller and transfer him into bed; drive him in the car and transfer him into bed; lie down with him until he falls asleep. I think it's perfectly normal for a kid to want someone to be with them until they are asleep -- it's not as convenient for us parents, but that's our tough luck, I guess. Good luck. Laurel

I tthink it depends more on what you want, and are willing to do, than on the child. I have seen the full spectrum - some parents always put the children to bed at a regular time in their own bed, starting as a baby, and some parents have children in 2nd or 3rd grade and still not able to fall asleep on their own. Personally, by 8pm I am tired, and I'm ready for some adult time and I don't have the patience to spend a long time coaxing my kids to sleep. So I started at about 6 months on in their own bed at a regular time. Then when they were about 12 mos, settled on a nice ritual -- brush teeth, 2 books, 2 songs, kiss goodnight, passy & blanket, and it's night night time. There are always bumps in the road, some backsliding, some exceptions, but we try to stick to it. I have been to friends' houses where bedtime took an hour or two, required one parent to be with the child during that whole time. I think this is OK if it works for your family but it's good to be aware that it may continue for a long long time, so if it's not something you want to do, then you may have to just roll up your sleeves up and get with it. It isn't too easy to change a bedtime habit but it is doable and the sooner you get working on it, the easier it is. It's harder to do at 3 than at 2, and it's harder at 2 than at one, and so on. What I have seen with my friends is this: if it ain't happening at about 2 or 3 years, then it ain't gonna happen on its own for a while. A Mom

I have been in your situation about my children not falling asleep by themselves. Both my boys were nursed to sleep up to toddlerhood. Even after weaning, they still needed my company to be able to fall asleep (laying down next to them, sitting on their beds). Despite criticisms around me, I still felt that I did the right thing by allowing my children to feel secure. Eventually, they outgrew that need and go to sleep on their own. There are no sleeping problems to speak of for years (they are now 7 and 9). Of course, this is my personal experience and opinion on this. But I just want to assure you that the sleep issue will eventually work itself out. anonymous

I just wanted to add to the discussion about toddlers not falling asleep on their own. My 2 1/4 year old daughter doesn't really fall asleep totally on her own yet, but there has been much improvement in recent months. Like the original poster, I have nursed my child to sleep since birth, and still nurse her at night. She also sleeps with us for much of the night, but she * starts out* in her own crib, and is learning to fall asleep on her own. I've also never been willing or able to totally let her cry it out, but I certainly let her cry now and then to release tension and tire herself out. Here's what I do to help her fall asleep by herself: first, we do our bedtime ritual (bath, stories, milk/nurse). Then I put her in her crib, pat her and/or sing to her for a few minutes, and then I sit in the rocking chair next to her crib. I've put a blanket on the crib rails so she actually can't see me, but she periodically asks if ''mama's here.'' I reassure her that mama's here, but she has to go to sleep. Sometimes I sit in the chair until she falls asleep, other times I tiptoe out. It doesn't work perfectly, and it took at least a month to work without all the crying/picking up/patting, but it's much better than holding her for hours or going to bed with her. And after a month or 6 weeks, she was falling asleep more quickly--like she was getting the hang of things. As I said, it is not perfect, but it has helped make bedtime a less stressful affair. Christine

I'm not sure what ''this'' you're talking about (has anyone else done this with their child) but I'm assuming you mean parent their child to sleep' (I keep trying to fix this - there is a question mark here. I promise! :)) I guess we qualify. I have an 8yo, 6yo, 2yo and 10mo. The 2yo will be 3 in a few weeks. She is either nursed or read to sleep. The 10mo (obviously) is nursed to sleep. The older children don't ''need'' to be parented to sleep but we frequently do - just holding them as they fall asleep, or read to them or read silently to ourselves while they fall asleep. I think that both the older children stopped needing the presence of someone else with them to fall asleep around 5ish. kathy

I think what you are doing is great and your son will let you know when he's ready to go to sleep by himself. Judging by your post, your son is basically sleeping through the night and waking at a normal time. As long as you feel ok about the routine, why not continue. My child wasn't really ready to go to sleep by herself until age four and then some serious family problems caused a setback for about a year. Usually I found laying down with her relaxing for me as well. But at five, the routine became very easy with some discussions about what would be a good solution. Together we came up with a routine that worked-- getting ready for bed (teeth, etc.), and two stories and goodnight. She handles all her night waking needs (going to the bathroom, or wanting a nightlight) except the occasional nightmare. I think some ''experts'' want us to have convenient children, but children take different paths to greater independence. anon

Hi, Lisa. This may not be helpful, but my 3.5 year old still doesn't like to go to sleep by herself. Unfortunately, she doesn't fall asleep until 10:30 or 11:00 at night, so we're really tired of it. We're getting ready to put a clock in her room (she has the rudiments of time-telling) and we're going to start setting a time when we'll be leaving -- she can be awake or asleep, lying down or playing, at her choice -- but we'll be going. We hope this works, but can't give you a success story yet. (We also have never let her cry it out.) Good luck. Laurel

After dealing with sleep issues of my two kids (and my husband :) ) I came to the conclusion that the ability to fall asleep and stay asleep also depends on personality and temperament of the person.

We always put our daughter to sleep into her crib and she cried every night for 15 min to fall asleep. And would wake up every night at 3-4am and cry forever, unless we came to her and comfort her. Every book told us that eventually she will cry less and less and will fall asleep by herself without crying, and stop waking up. Never happened. When she was 1 year old we visited relatives and slept in the same bed for the first time. That was the first night she fell asleep without crying and didn't wake up. OK, probably she did wake up, but didn't cry, so we slept till morning. We were so happy at last to sleep through the night, that when we came home we got a full size bed for her and since then lay down with her until she fell asleep, then when she would wake up at night me or my husband just went to sleep for the rest of the night in her bed. We explicitely decided not to take her to our bed but sleep in her bed. When she was 3 years old she decided that she wants to sleep in toddler bed. We bought one in Target very cheaply and that was it, she started to sleep alone in her bed.

She didn't fall asleep by herself though, but after hearing her crying every night for a whole year we were happy to stay with her and with time it became easier and easier. We had different routines with my husband, but it was never a problem. To make a long story short, even now, when she is nine, she needs one of us to walk with her to her bed, talk for 5 min, and say her good night. She simply cannot fall asleep without this short ritual. We tried. She would just stay awake for hours (even if she is very sleepy). So we gave up, and actually enjoy those night talks. She also started to sleep much better when her baby brother started to sleep in her room.

On the contrary our second child is a great sleeper, loves his crib, and does not care for anybody sitting near him if he is sleepy. And was like that since he was born.

BTW, my husband is very much like my daughter: he hates falling asleep on his own. If he is tired and wants to sleep before I do, he prefers to have me around, even if I just read a book in the same room. Anon.

My husband and I also do not believe in letting a child cry himself/ herself to sleep. We rocked our daughter to sleep until she was two years old, actually, at which point she was ready to fall asleep on her own. It took a few days of tentativeness, but she got the hang of it quickly and we never let her lie there crying. It might be helpful to know that our daughter also would vomit if she would cry for 5 minutes or longer, so we would always do what we could to stop her crying as quickly as possible. We did run the issue of falling asleep on her own by her pediatrician when she was about a year old, and she asked if our daughter, once rocked to sleep, would sleep through the night. The answer was yes, and our pediatrician didn't see any harm in rocking her to sleep if she was then sleeping through the night without needing us. We are blessed because our daughter started sleeping through the night at 10 weeks and has always been a rock solid sleeper (she's 4 now). But falling asleep on her own took a while. To be honest, we always loved rocking her, but I have to admit it was reassuring to have the backing of our pediatrician. Lori

My 5 yr old son still does not usually fall asleep by himself, but I have made much peace with it. Night time, in the dark, is a very special time with kids to share and process their experiences. As my son has gotten older, this time for sharing is invaluable and so sweet. However, when he was younger and it would take him up to 1.5 hours to fall asleep, I did sneak in reading a book by booklight, meditating, or thinking about what I needed to do for the next day. I would also leave for 5 minute breaks when he could handle it. I don't remember what age, but at some point he began to fall asleep faster at night. I wasn't always graceful about my staying with him til he fell asleep every night, but now 5 years later I am so, so grateful that I invested in him. I would also add, get a lot of support from parents who parent like you do. The pressure to follow the ''book's way'' can get intense and make you feel like you're doing something wrong, instead of something very right! Wendy

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