UCB Parents Advice about School-aged Kids
Stubbornness
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Feb 2002
Help! Is it just my son, or are all 6 year olds this way? My son is a
terrific kid, but we seem to constantly be in a power struggle because
of his stubborn, willful behavior. Actually, I think it has much to do
with myself being stubborn... we butt heads. His dad does not have
quite the issues that I have with him.
Is there a way you have found works for peaceful communications where
it is a win/win situation? I love my son and I really want to tackle
this issue with him before he hits the teen years and our relationship
is beyond repair. HELP!
I can certainly relate! One book that really helped me put things in
perspective is "Kids, parents and power struggles" by Mary Sheedy
Kurchinka. I have a 6 1/2 year old daughter, and face a lot of the same
issues, including daddy not having the same struggles as I do with our
daughter. THings have improved dramatically lately, though, and I must
say, I think it is due to my "self-improvement" efforts. I am for some reason
able to be more patient, less power-driven, and, and mostly more empathetic
(really trying ot see things from her perspective at the moment of the
problem). In short - more clearly loving. I think parents can love their
children more than anything in the world, but during moments of
communication breakdown - kids can truly feel alone and
unloved/unsupported. I don't know if any of htis strikes a chord with you, or
not, but that has been my experience. I'd be happy to email/talk more about
this if you want - it is a subject close to my heart!
Lyla
My son did some similar issues when he was five and six. He's 7 1/2
now and it's not a problem any more. It takes a full bag of tricks to
deal with and here is one. I could predict (or sense) the times when a
problem would arise. So I tried two approaches: 1) It's a control
issue, so I tried to give him as much control over his life as
possible. Whenever I saw something that I *could* let him decide, I
offered him the decision. E.g., do you want to use the blue plate or
the brown one for dinner? It's cold--which long-sleeved shirt do you
want to wear today? Let him decide as many simple things as possible
and keep offering choices for him to select. 2) When it was over a
difficult issue, I tried to review the options with him and modify the
limitations wherever possible. E.g., "Well you can't run into the
street, but you can run over there! Let's go!" "Sorry, it's time to go
now and I know that's hard because it's so much fun here. Let's plan
when we can come back." Or "guess what's waiting at home?" These are
simplistic, but you can find creative ways to give your kids more
control over the little things in their lives so they aren't always
hearing "no." It takes a lot more time and thought, but will save
struggles in the long run.
Mary
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