Berkeley Parents Network: Talking to Kids about Sex

Berkeley Parents Network

Talking to Kids about Sex

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > School-aged Kids > Talking to Kids about Sex

Explaining new baby to 6-year-old

Nov 1999

Can someone give me some advice on when the appropriate time to discuss sex is with kids? I am expecting and have a 6 year old son. My husband thinks that now is an appropriate time to explain EVERYTHING to him since I'm pregnant, but I on the other hand, think that my son is too young to be able to fully comprehend what we tell him. I mean, we are dealing with a kids who gets the giggles over the word "butt". If anyone has advice or guidelines on this matter I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

I understand your desire to give your child accurate information about sex and your pregnancy. We hear so many stories from adults who's parents hide the truth or created a feeling of embarrassment or shame around sex. In an effort to avoid this, I believe many parents today go to the opposite extreme and give too much information too early. As a teacher, I taught a "Growth and Development" unit to 5th graders. Though some of my students knew very little about their bodies and sex, many knew an amazing amount. Some would comment that their parents wanted to talk to them about sex and explain things all the time. It made them very uncomfortable. Over the years, I have developed a philosophy that kids want to know the truth, but not all of it at one time. I believe it is important to give a little information, then stop and look at the child's expression. Is he with you or starting to "glaze over?" He may ask a question. It is important to answer that question and stop so that that you do not go on into more depth than he is ready to hear. If you are comfortable answering the question, then most likely he will be comfortable coming back in the future and asking the next question. This way he is in control of the information coming at him. I believe this respects the needs of the child.

Sex talk with 8 year old

June 2003

My daughter just turned 8. She is very open and talkative about most everything that happens at school and with her friends. If she doesn't understand something someone said or did, she'll ask either her dad or me. I keep expecting her to come home one day and ask about sex or babies or the like. She knows all about the birthing process (vaginal vs. c-section) but to my knowledge does not know about conception. So, my question, is when do we have the talk? Do I wait for her to initate the conversation? Or do I bring it up? My mother never talked to me about sex until I was in high school. By then I knew all about it and didn't feel comfortable talking with her. I don't want that to happen with my daughter. Thanks in advance for your wisdom and insight! clueless

There is a great book called ''Flight of the stork'' that covers the subject of sex talk from birth to age 12. Might be worth it for you to look into it. One thing I remember from that book is that parents think their children know much more than they actually do. m

Yes Yes talk to her about it. She is probably hearing things at school and just hasn't gotten around to asking you about it. My 8 year old came home and mentioned a man and woman getting naked in bed and ''sexing.'' I asked her if she knew what it was and went on to explain the basic sex act. She asked a few questions and we moved on to other subjects. I also told her that she could ask me and her daddy anything anytime. Just yesterday, we were at the Oakland Zoo and ''love was in the air'' for the camels. She got quite an eyeful and asked lots of questions about their mating. It was great, but after a while I wanted to get moving to see the elephants. I am sure there are good books around for talking to your child if you need some help. Thank you for being sex positive for her. Jeanne

Your daughter is not too young to know about sex - from you! Maybe you could get a book you like and think is appropriate for her age and read it with her, and then discuss whatever questions she might have. The best books talk about changes to expect in her own body (that comes first, after all, and she's getting close!) and just touch upon sex and its part in how babies are made. I had an Usborne book for my son when he was about 6 that told a bit about how babies are made, from a very scientific point of view.

It would be better if she knew the real story before she starts getting it from a skewed kid point of view. If she hears it neutrally or positively from you, then the ''ugh gross'' that kids say when they tell it won't have such an effect. Some girls now are getting their periods and breasts REALLY early, and I'd think maybe some 9-year olds even might be developing. Certainly, some of my son's 10 to 11 year old fifth-grade classmates had breasts last year and mood swings and maybe even periods! Some are still just babies though. anon

I think it's great that you are trying to figure out how to be more open with your daughter than your mother was with you! I definitely think that it is a good idea to initiate conversations about sexuality as a parent because kids can easily get the idea (from us or others) that it is a taboo topic and therefore not feel comfortable bringing it up themselves.

I have two book suggestions for you: ''From Diapers To Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children'' by Debra W. Haffner is a great book all about how to talk to your kids in a developmentally appropriate way at each age. One of her main points is that there shouldn't be 'one big talk' about sex, but instead it should be something that we bring up casually in conversation quite often.

The other book: ''It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Sex and Sexual Health'' by Robie H. Harris is recommended for kids ages 10 and up so it might be a little mature for your daughter, but it's one of my favorite books about sexuality for kids. If you want to find other books, SIECUS has a huge bibliography for parents: http://www.siecus.org/pubs/biblio/bibs0011.html

Hope that's helpful. Amy

The book ''It's So Amazing'' by Robie Harris (illus by Michael Emberly) is a great resource for kids your daughter's age. Maybe just having it around the house will stimulate discussion, or she might peruse in private, it at her own pace. By making the information available, you'll signal that it's OK for her to talk to you about it. Letitia

Yes, bring it up. Don't wait any longer. It will be so much harder to talk about when the hormones start flowing, which could be any minute. Get some books. Go over them together and individually. Thinking ahead a few years, set up some expectations for her behavior. anon

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