Berkeley Parents Network: Rudeness in Children

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Rudeness in Children

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Rudeness in 6 yr. old
Rude 7-year-old

Rudeness in 6 yr. old

March 2005

I am having an issue with my almost 6 yr. old daughter - she is incredibly rude to adults outside our family. She is otherwise a fun-loving joyous kind child but in the last month I have been getting feedback from our carpooling family that she does not speak when they ask her a question - she instead looks out the window and ignores them - the 4th grader we carpool with (who picks her up at her classroom to head home) reports that my daughter is reluctant to go with her and drags her heels and pretty much makes people wait for her to be ready to go. Today in her classroom after school her teacher asked her to help her with something and my daughter said flat out ''no''. It seems she has entered the self-centered zone where she believes that the world will wait for her and that it also revolves around her. There is no change at home or at school (that I can discover) that would make her so reluctant to be polite. She seems to have become entrenched in this behavior almost as a result of our discussing it at home. I want to help her overcome this problem - we have tried taking away privileges, playdates, extra fun stuff, etc. and are about to embark on a sticker/incentive plan to get her to change her behavior. She is very precocious and smart and is aware that her behavior is hurting people's feelings. Help! any advice out there?
nice mama rude daughter

Your daughter's behavior doesn't sound that unusual to me for a six year old. My son is seven and I work in his classroom a lot and the not answering thing is BIG. Not that I accept that but it just isn't that unusual. Also dawdling is the number one complaint among my friends. I did notice however that is does seem to be around the carpooling in particular that this is coming up. Any possibility she is intimidated by the other children she rides with or in any way doesn't feel comfortable with them? It could all relate to one incident that would seem minor to an adult but left her nervous. And kids her age can't always articulate what is bothering them. My son would not want to carpool with anyone he didn't know exceedlingly well and I find that is not unusual among his friends.

That said, my strategies for coping with not being answered is to state the answer (and I often will make the answer something I know my son would not agree to just to get a response)... ''I assume you don't want french fries since you didn't answer me.'' For the dawdling I will use a timer. I used to set a timer while my son put on his shoes. I didn't hang out and I didn't say anything..just set the timer - worked great. I also will often make it a race (which I always let him win) to go places, change clothes, etc. That also works well.

Don't be too hard on her, annoying as it is, it is typical of this age. She hasn't suddenly turned into some rude child that will forget all her good manners. Heck if that is the worst you get at this age you are doing well. It does seem to be an age of lots of testing. They go out into the world and try to make sense of it and it can be scary. Elementary school is a very big deal and comes with lots of huge changes and expectations. It is a time of transition and lots of parents find 6 a challenging age. Good Luck!

Rude 7-year-old

Sept 2003

Does anyone out there know what is ''age-appropriate'' rudeness (if there is such a thing) and just plain old unacceptable rudeness in a seven year old? Our daughter is very polite in public, or with teachers and strangers, but at home, she is very rude to us. Her responses to what we believe are resonable requests (granted, they usually involve transitions, which is another issue all together!), seem curt, rude, and disrepectful. I am talking about such responses as growling, ''Fine!'' (and stomping off to execute the request, such as teeth brushing), or eye rolling and the like. Also, we are interested in what works best for this age group-- loss of privileges or a reward system of some kind in order to curb this behavior? Tired Mama

Boy, do I know this one! My (almost) seven year old was really getting rude. Mostly by the tone of her voice, which I was ignoring until I realized that this was NOT the way I wanted to be spoken to, by anyone. So I sat her down and told her that we had a new ''politeness policy'' in our house. I was very specific about the behaviors that I wanted her to change, and that violation of the policy would result in loss of video/TV watching time (this is highly coveted and somewhat sparsely given in our house). We had been through the need for behavior change when she was four, and we found that rewards for good behavior weren't ANYWHERE near as effective as what we term ''loss of privileges''.

The main thing (for us) was to find something she really loved and would miss. She had to lose privileges (i.e. video time) only 2 or 3 times in the beginning and now still responds beautifully to just the threat of loss of privileges (counting to five is the signal), three years later. It's important to be specific about what you're asking, and perhaps give a warning the first time or two (but your kid will have to really lose privileges to get the point that you're serious). a happy mom

I have to ask what makes your daughter polite in public? Is it the knowledge that she shouldn't be rude, and/or that being rude would upset you? Does she know you would find that unacceptable? If yes to any of the above, then there is no difference to how she should be treated at home. So many parents nowadays try to reason with their children as if they were adults. We seem to forget that they are children. Parents need to be adamant and say NO when necessary. I have a four year old niece who can be as wild as any child at home, but she always knows when to say ''please and thank you'' anywhere - including at home and she knows how to behave outside the home. There were never any exceptions to this. There was no reward system or privileges - just a very serious ''No, we do not act like this towards anyone, esp. to our elders.'' She is also allowed to state her feelings but she knows her boundaries - adults are still the authority and must be treated with respect, not as peers. anon

There's no ''age-appropriate rudeness''; rudeness is inappropriate at every age. I had a similar problem with rudeness in my kids, and found a fantastic book that changed how our family functions: ''Backtalk: 4 Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids'' by Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder. It's recommended on the parents of teens website, but covers all ages from three to adult.

Basically, you need to stick to a response something like: ''The way you're speaking to me is not respectful. It makes me less willing to do something for you, so I won't be able to ...[drive you to the mall, make your lunch, let Alex sleep over, take you ice skating, etc.] Very calmly. For 7- year-olds, the recommended consequence is often instant removal from family activities; for adult children it could be instant termination of financial support. You need to have appropriate consequences ready.

It can be a little terrifying at first -- I used it on a 16- year-old who is physically much larger than me and was simultaneously dependent on me for help with math homework and also very abusive during the help. When I told him, the morning after reading this book, that he was treating me disrespectfully and so I would not be able to help him with that day's homework, he begged and pleaded and got angry and more abusive and begged some more. I stuck to it, and he stomped out, violent and furious. But he came home like a different kid -- treated me like a human being, was cooperative and cheerful in every way. His brother, who was also pretty rude, only had to see this happen to do some serious shaping up himself. Highly recommended. Yes, I do mean it.

As the mom of a 6 1/2 year old girl, I am soooo familiar with this behavior! At school, my daughter is a polite, somewhat quiet, studious child (or so I've been told!). However, at home, she frequently feels comfortable behaving in a manner as you describe -- rude, rolling eyes, deep sighs, growls. We have decided that she is trying on ''a new hat'' so to speak and testing these new behaviors. That is fine, but we also decided that these behaviors are not acceptable and have sat down with her to explain that although she may be frustrated, as a member of our family, we have certain expectations from her. One is that she respects the others in the family and treats them as she would like to be treated. The other is that she can use her words to express her displeasure or anger in an appropriate way -- growling, sighing , etc ... when asked to do something is not allowed. When she does this, she is sent to her room for a 15 minute time out (she doesn't like this at all). It seems to work. Although she wants to try these new behaviors, she is also seeking out what her boundaries are regarding them, so we feel that we need to be quite clear -- so far it has worked! Good luck. Not Sure What I'll Do at 16!

I have the same thing with my foster daughter from time to time. I have been breaking her of the habit, so I feel some justification to respond to you here.

I am kinda old school, I think my kids should always show respect to adults, especially their parents unless they are just harmlessly fooling around. The nasty tone and negative attitude when I have done nothing to warrant it really gets me mad.

Here are some steps that I actually have gone thru, but lately just number one is necessary -- it is all really sinking in.

(1) I tell ''jenny'' to please act nice and I point out that her negative attitude is not appreciated.

(2) I explain that being nasty with me will only result in me being nastier back and I ask if she would like us to be nice to each other or screaming at each other.

(3) Still acting rude, I calmly and quietly send her to her room to stay there alone until she wants to be nice, but I decide when she is ready to be nice, not by her just blurting out ''but I am going to be nice!''

(4) The last straw is actually giving her a time out in her room for x-number of hours, or canceling any TV or outings for the day.

''Jenny'' does better on just about anything when she knows ahead of time what the consequences are going to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this and have a little meeting with her to set down my expectations and what the consequences will be for breaches.

Good luck. You sound like a great mom and your daughter is just doing normal kid stuff, testing the boundaries. Tiffany

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