Berkeley Parents Network: School-aged Kids' Friends

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School-aged Kids' Friends

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6-year-old sits out recess, won't play with other kids
5-year-old not sociable, prefers her own company
See also: Bullying & Teasing
See also: Cliques & Ostracism
See also: Play Dates
See also: Sleepovers
Related page: Help with Social Skills

6-year-old sits out recess, won't play with other kids

Feb 2007

My 6 y.o. son's teacher has expressed some concern about my son's retreating during recess. She was wondering if there was something happening at home. When I told her there wasn't she seemed surprised. Apparently my son refuses to play with other children and instead sits in a far off corner, during recess he opts to stay close to the teacher on duty instead of playing with the other kids. He's always been a happy go lucky kid with tons of confidence, but lately he does not seem happy, sulks quite a bit and gets easily frustrated. I've talked to him about what is going on at school, if there are any kids mistreating him, if he's happy, etc. etc and although he answers each question I feel that there is something he is not telling. He's asked me not accept birthday party invitations, but I don't want to encourage his behavior.Is this a developmental phase or should we seek professional help? My husband and I are very concerned and don't know what to do. Concerned Mom

This sounds terrible! I have no idea what is going on, but it sounds like your son is scared of another child or of getting in trouble or something. Just guessing. You need to get him to talk to you. Maybe he isn't telling you because he thinks you might be disappointed, or thinks he might get in trouble? The book ''How to talk so your kids will listen & listen so your kids will talk'' is pretty good at giving skills on reluctant talkers. Not rocket science, but may have some helpful hints. Best Wishes Read that book myself

He sounds really unhappy and might benefit from talking to a counselor. I had some creeps bullying/harassing me at school when I was a little older, at 9 and 11, and though it didn't make me less social, it was really disturbing. Each time it was only one person, so not obvious to a teacher, probably. In both cases, I felt so sensitive about it that I didn't want to tell even my parents. (As a parent now, I hate to think that my kids won't turn to me with their problems. But from my own experience I know that kids often keep troubles to themselves, even with extremely loving, supportive parents like mine!) At age 9, I must have finally blurted something out about it, because I remember talking to the school counselor, who then got the kid to stop. I don't remember telling any adult about the incident when I was 11. Bullying or not, it seems like it would be good for him to have a chance to talk to a counselor, at school or elsewhere. Perhaps someone he's not emotionally involved with can help figure out what's going on. kept problems to myself

Take heart: whether this is a phase or his personality, there are many ways to help. My son has similar behavior and has been diagnosed with social skills defecits. When I visited the playground, I had great sympathy for him and other kids who are intimidated by the chaos of it all. My son now works with a speech therapist at his school, working in small groups of peers with social nuances: how to start a conversation, read body language, give and take advice/ideas. It has helped quite a bit. I have gotten mixed advice about the playground: some saying let him have his time alone to decompress, and some saying we should be structuring his outside time as well, so that he feels comfortable integrating into a larger group. I am not sure of the answer. My advice is get professional help if the behavior lasts more than a few weeks; the school system or private physchiatrists can be of great help, and there so many resources out there to help kids with basic social skills. Good luck. Anon

Hi, I am so sorry you and your son are struggling, him with an unknown issue, and you with feeling you are left in the dark!

Something IS going on with your son. Trust your instincts...and his teacher's! She has noticed a change and has expressed a concern. Typically a teacher does not jump to a conclusion too quickly...so if she has approached you, she has been observing this behavior for more than a couple of days.

It is so tricky. Kids do go in and out of phases based on both personality and developmental leaps (and regression) and getting information from a 6 year old can be challenging! See if you can find time when he is playing in his room by himself to ask some leading questions. Tell him a story of when you were young and faced exclusionary play at school (make something up if you have to...you will still go through the pearly gates!) Leave lots of space for him to fill during the conversation, and try NOT to make much eye contact until he really starts to open up. Make suggestions of trusted adults he could confide in if he ''ever had a problem he didn't feel comfortable expressing to you''. One job of parents is to help their children learn how to get help...since it won't always be you they turn to! Make a journal with him that he can draw in. Tell him you would be happy to help him write any words in it or take dictation. Let him know that he can write silly, funny, wacky, things as well as frustrations, sadness, anger, and fears. Don't suggest to him it is private...or it will be one more way he keeps information hidden. On the other hand, don't suggest it isn't private...or he may not use it. Just be neutral as to it's privacy and let him take it from there. Keep in contact with his teacher. If you discover an issue TRY to remain calm and think through steps to help HIM work it through. Consider that what you hear is from his perspective. Believe him and yet know it may not be a complete picture.

ALWAYS trust your instinct with the caveat that humans experience events depending on their own perspective on them. For instance he may feel excluded by a group of kids. They may not know he feels that way. They may not know he is even there...or they start to notice that he is feeling excluded...and that power that they have just realised...becomes very alluring. Then they exclude him on purpose. Then maybe they tease him. They see that that gets a reaction...more power. and so on.

On the other hand, it may not be about exclusion at all. Keep listening for clues to the issue!

I know you will both figure this out with some creative navigation on your part! Niki

5-year-old not sociable, prefers her own company

Feb 2007

I have a five year-old girl who is very intelligent and independent. She is capable of handling herself well socially and seems confident in most situations. My concern is that she does not seem interested in developing friendships outside her one close/ best friend. She goes to a great preschool in Oakland and interacts with the other kids, just doesn't seem that interested in play dates with her classmates. I set them up and am often disappointed in how they turn out (they play little together or she gets bossy and wants to only do things her way). She spends A LOT of time reading (she has been a fluent reader since she was 4) and playing make-believe on her own or asks me to join in. Does this sound ''normal'' to you? Are there any other parents out there who have had similar experiences? If so, I'd love to hear your thoughts and any observations of how things pan-out for kids like this over the years. concerned mama

Your daughter sounds very much like mine. She much preferred (and at 9, still prefers) her own company to that of her peers. She's bright, at ease in most settings, a voracious reader - and shares few interests with other children. She has one, maybe two close friendships; at 5 years old I'm not sure she even had one. I also worried, and still do at times. I want her to be happy. But when I'm honest with myself, I see that she is happy. She's different from her peers, but comfortable in her skin and happy with her life. I expect that she'll always be a bit ''different,'' but I try to concentrate on making her strong in who she is, so she can weather the sometimes difficult times I know she'll have to go through. Sophie's Mom

My daughter sounds a lot like yours. She's 6 1/2 and has been reading fluently since she was 4 as well. She will insist, however, that she learned on her 5th birthday, since that's when she *said* she was going to learn! She's very independent and enjoys other kids but most of the time she can take them or leave them. She's very happy playing by herself with her little people in her room, or reading, or whatever. My son is the opposite! I think that my daughter and your daughter just have a very good sense of self. I think that it's kind of neat. laurel

I can only speak to how I was as a kid, not being a mom yet. However, you could be describing me when I was little--I read about your daughter and I totally see myself. I was a early reader, very precocious, and just didn't get close to a lot of other kids. I wasn't unhappy--I just liked reading and being in my own head better than doing ''normal kid stuff.'' I was always getting in trouble for reading when I was supposed to be ''having fun.'' By middle school, this pretty much worked itself out--I got interested in other activities, met people I liked, and had friends like any normal kid. Now, in my 40s, I'm incredibly social. I think I just had to find people I liked interacting with, and I didn't feel unfulfilled if they weren't around . . . I just read a book (still do as a matter of fact--I've been known to read a book at a punk rock show if I didn't like the band. I consider that ability a plus, not a handicap!) If you're really worried, I'd say try to figure out stuff she'd really like (dance, gymnastics, art, etc.) and get her involved in classes around those interests. That's what really helped turn me from a bookworm to a person involved with others-- sharing activities. Former Weird Kid

I would not worry too much. She has one good friend - the key is to have one friend to buffer against social isolation. She doesn't sound that interested in socializing, but it sounds like she is comfortable with peers, so again not a red flag for problems. My daughter is also an obsessive reader and we have a rule that she cannot read when a friend is over. It took her awhile to become interested in play dates and eventually it happened. Anon

We have a daughter who is almost five and your daughter sounds quite a bit like mine. (Your description of playdates sounds way too familiar.) My 10-year old niece is similar too. I don't have any good advice, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. My niece has a couple of good friends and does exceptionally well in school. She might not ever become Ms. Popular and have a huge group of friends, but I think she'll do just fine in life. I try to remind myself that my daughter will do fine too and that she doesn't (and shouldn't) be like everyone else, even if the behavior seems antisocial sometimes. It's just who she is. I just need to provide social opportunities and encourage her without pushing. (Pushing absolutely doesn't work with my daughter.) Good luck! Me Too

First of all I want to say that your child sounds bright and based on your brief description of her characteristics, may be possibly ''gifted''. You said yourself that, ''she is capable of handling herself well socially and seems confident in most situations''. To me that says it all!!! If SHE is happy with her level of social activity and enjoys reading, then let her be and don't force her to be or to behave in a way that she is not comfortable with. Accept ''her'' as she is. You expressed that, ''my concern is that she does not seem interested in developing friendships outside her one close/ best friend''. Some people are just interested in having one good friend and that is enough for them, yet there are others who enjoy having multiple friendships. Some of us are intoverted, while others are extroverted. One way is not better than another, it is just how each of us are in our own unique way.

I am an introverted adult and was somewhat as a child. I was one of those children who had one great friend, (we are still best friends 43 years later!!!). Growing up I always felt wierd or that there was something wrong with me, with how I was. My mother, much to her credit, used to say that most people can only count their really good friends on one hand!

It wasn't until I was an adult that I began to understand that HOW I am in the world is okay. I have also always enjoyed spending a lot of alone time inspite of living in a society of primarily extroverted individuals. I now have a 7 year old daughter that may be of a similar personality type. I'll admit that I was a little bit uneasy at first because I still carry a bit of old baggage that says that having lots of friends and being outgoing is better. But then I realized that I can empathize with her because I understand intimately her unique style and the beautiful way that she is. sympathetic mom

She sounds normal. My daughter used to be like that. Now, she has lots of friends and is always talking to them.I think it's a phase. anon

Gosh, this sounds just like me as a child. Here's how I turned out. I've always liked one-on-one interactions more than big groups. Not a big fan of parties full of strangers. Learned to be less bossy. Still really like to read. Pretty creative and into art stuff and solitary pursuits. Did relatively well in high school, did better in college. Did not fully understand the girl social scene as a child. Would've liked my parents to accept my non-girliness better. Been married over ten years, have two great kids, have been gainfully employed for most of adult life. Consider myself ''normal.'' Hope this helps. Introvert

Your posting brought me back to my childhood. I was exactly like your daughter. I never had issues with it. I was happy that way and I have to say that throughout my life (I am now 32) it has given me so much strenght. To this day i watch my peers being so dependant on others for validation and feedback and think how lucky i was that i did not that. It certainly helped me not keep toxic people in my life. But i have to say that i felt innapropriate as long as i lived near my parents/family. They felt it was weird and always made little comments that hurt my feelings. Ultimately i never changed because i was happy that way but it did damage my relationship with my parents and relatives as i felt they never accepted me and i don't even live near them now. However I do have very close friends but I was only able to develop that kind of friendships in my late 20s..when it seemed to me that people were then more true to themselves. I have a husband a baby and interract a lot more now but still have what i think are very good boundaries with others....and it makes me happy. What is wrong with the way she is? It's the way she wants to be. She isn't rude, innapropriate or doing bad things. just being herslef. and she deserves that. So let her be wh she is and she will be thankful for that later on. magaliusa

That was me at 5! I also learned to read at 4, and wanted to read ALL the time-outside, in math class, you name it-I was always getting in trouble about it. (: I had a couple of friends that I enjoyed but really preferred my own company most of the time. I was on the more introverted end of things until college- and from then on I've been definitely social and extroverted-but I still love to read! I'm always sad to hear the range of behavior and personality that exists in people questioned as ''not normal''. Just think of all the adults you know-some quiet, some loud, some introverted, some extroverted-it's all ok. It takes all kinds to make a world. Former Shy Girl

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