Berkeley Parents Network: Adjusting to Preschool

Berkeley Parents Network

Adjusting to Preschool

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > School & Preschool > Preschool > Adjusting to Preschool

Difficult transition to preschool

Preparing child for transition to preschool

Child taking a long time to adjust to preschool

Tearful drop-offs at preschool

Helping 4-year-old make friends at preschool

Shy 3 year old having a tough time at preschool

Personality change after starting preschool

Preschooler doesn't want to go home

Preschools for Shy Children (reviews)

Parents' Anxiety about Starting Preschool

Difficult transition to preschool

August 2004

Sorry in advance for the length of this, but I very much need help. My 3 year 3 month old son and I are having an absolutely nightmarish time starting preschool. Each day has been progressively worse. Two nights ago, an hour after he went to bed, I found him there sobbing ''I don't want to go to preschool.'' The next day, after staying with him for an hour, I had to leave him screaming with one of the teachers. Last night he was awake for three solid hours (whenever he’s stressed, he doesn’t sleep well). This morning he cried from the time we put his shoes on until I left him in preschool. He is starting to react badly to any mention of the words school or teach in any context. The word preschool evokes instant tears.

The rest of his behavior is beginning to change, too. He gets very stubborn and negative about routines like getting dressed, throws huge fits about any sort of transition (very uncharacteristic), and has started to tell his daddy that he hates him. He's been in a lovely daycare -- the best place I could imagine -- since he was 15 months old, so he's used to Mommy going to work. But that daycare only takes kids until they are three, so he needs to go to preschool. All of his friends from the daycare are going to different preschools, so I couldn’t keep him with more than one of them, and for a variety of reasons didn’t choose the preschools chosen by the parents of his closest friends.

He's normally a very easy-going child -- never cries for babysitters (even people he's never met), goes around actively exploring a new environment, doesn't even cry when he's given shots. I have honestly never seen a reaction remotely like this to ANYTHING that has happened to him, EVER. Even after having surgery, he cried for the 20 minutes it took the anesthetic to wear off, talked the experience out for the next few days, and was fine with it.

He's pretty bright, also very verbal and able to say how he feels. And for the last three days he has talked constantly about how he doesn't like preschool and doesn't want to go any more. When I ask him why, he says it's because he doesn't know the teachers or the kids, and ''because it is hard to wait. ''

All of this is so out of character for him that I doubt I can even convey it. I am as sure as I can be that nothing bad is happening at the preschool and the teachers are deeply concerned and trying very hard to work with him, but of course they don’t know what he is usually like, so I don’t think they understand why I am so upset about it. He did get stung by a yellowjacket the first day he was there, but the mention of the word yellowjacket does not upset him the way the word preschool does; and he has been stung before.

I am at a total loss as to what to do. I can’t just quit my job; I would be miserable without it. I can’t take him back to his former daycare. I suppose I could see if one of the three preschools where his three closest friends are going has an opening, but I don’t know if that would be any better. I am terrified that this is going to be permanently damaging for him; I also don’t know what to say to him after the hundredth time he wails ''I don’t want to go to preschool! '' I’ve told him I understand that he doesn’t like preschool, that it makes him sad, that he’s scared. I’ve told him that I’m sometimes scared in places where I don’t know anyone; I’ve empathized to the best of my ability. I’ve tried to point out all the positive features of the preschool: I chose it because there are so many things there that are his most favorite things in all the world - an enormous outside area (he loves to be outside and we don’t have a usable yard), a huge sand pit with lots and lots of trucks, even a little bird that he can talk to (he loves birds). I’ve tried to offer advice; I’ve tried to brainstorm with him about what he could do to feel better. After awhile I just want to sit down and cry with him.

Maybe this will all be over with in a month, but I don’t know if I can last that long. Any advice, any ideas, any perspective on this would be most appreciated.

Karen

I can certainly sympathize with you. I have a 5 year old starting kindergarten who tells me he ''hates'' it. This is so out of character - he enjoyed preschool, never complained a day about going. He knows kids in his class, and his older sister has been going to this school for 3 years, so he is familiar with it. The teacher says he is ''surly'' all day in class. Let's face it - transitions suck. I don't know if this will help, but in times like this, I think of my former co-worker who is in her late 50's now, and was a single working mom back when that was a rarity. Her son had the worst separation anxiety ever recorded (and she had plenty of babysitters and friends that attested to this). Would cry all day missing her, but she had to work. Finally, in 2nd grade, it stopped, and he is a normal, well adjusted man now. This too shall pass. If he is being well cared for, and you like the preschool, I think you should grin and bear it for awhile. I hate to suggest ''tough love'' for a 3 year old, but it certainly seems you have done everything you can to ease the transition. Good luck! Sherry

My 3 1/2 year old daughter had a similar experience with preschool, and it turned out that the SCHOOL was the problem, although it took us a while to face that fact. I could not tell from your post whether the daycare that your son was in was structured or more play-based, but if the new preschool follows a different format, and if the teachers are not very nurturing, it could make a big difference for a 3 year old. Based on my (extensive) readings of developmental psychology, 3 year olds are working at their independence and a sense of self, and need to interact with each other to accomplish this well. Our daughter started out at an excellent, play-based preschool in Berkeley, which had a very nurturing staff and gave children lots of latitude in their day-to-day activities. She had difficulty transitioning for a week or two! , but quickly grew to love it. I then made the huge mistake of taking her out of that school (because she could only go half-days) and putting her in a full-day preschool program that was part of the private year- round school that my 8 year old son then attended in Oakland. We paid a huge (3 month) deposit and enrolled her in January 2004, and while she dutifully went to school each day, she grew more tense about going, sadder, less confident, until she got sick in the winter and began STRONGLY refusing to go to school thereafter. She would cry and cry all the way to school. As in your case,I grew tired of hearing her tell me ''I don't want to go to preschool'' and figured it was just a slow transition thing. I was looking for part-time work, and the last thing I needed was a failed preschool situation. But I was wrong. Listen to your gut. I finally did, and what I discovered was that the program at that school was damaging to my daughter. We misunderstood the school's claim that it was ''developmental'' as being synonymous with ''play-based.'' It turned out that the 3 year old class had the equivalent of no leass than SEVEN circle times each day, during which the little kids were expected to stop talking and sit still and listen to the teacher. That teacher would put the kids on time-outs when they did not obey her. There was only about 30 minutes of playtime each day. When I began to sit outside of that class in the mornings with my daughter until ''circle time'' was over, I would have to sit as long as 40 minutes sometimes. I could also hear the teacher yell at the kids to be quiet. Needless to say, my daughter is no longer at this school, but the point I'm making is that my daughter's objections were based on something that was really wrong--not just transition problems. It was I who wasn't paying attention closely enough, maybe because I was hoping that with such a huge investment, things would be OK. In other words, since your son really liked his first daycare, you have a basis of comparison. Take his claims seriously and consider the possibility that the school is harmful to him. Rosie's Mom

Dear Karen,

I am mainly writing to express my sympathy. What you describe of your son's sadness about preschool sounds very heartwrenching. I had a small taste of this when my son's preschool closed for the summer and we switched to a small home daycare for a couple of months. While he had been fine at his preschool, he was very sad about the new place. He would start crying and protesting as soon as we got up in the morning. What really broke my heart was when he tried to be brave, but his little lip quivered as we walked up the stairs to the new place. Like you, I was as sure as I could be that nothing bad was happening at the day care. But I started feeling guilty and in doubt, which I am sure he picked up on.

A few things seemed to help. First, I worked harder to help the teacher learn about my son--his likes and dislikes, favorite activities, need for alone time, etc. Secondly, like you, I brainstormed with my son what would help feel better at school. He started bringing some of his own favorite toys--whole baskets of them--with him. Thirdly, I changed both our schedules so that he could go to the daycare five half days instead of three full days a week. He REALLY did not like napping at the day care. After these efforts and about three weeks time, he did settle in. From what you write, it sounds like you have already been really loving, creative and thoughtful about how to help your son. Here are a few thoughts that your story prompted in my mind:

1. Your son was at his earlier day care for two years! That's a long time, even for a grownup. Did he get to say goodbye thoroughly enough? Does he understand that whoever took care of him is still there and still cares about him? Would he want to make a goodbye card? Or send some advice to the new kids starting there? Is he worried about getting attached to a new place only to lose it again? Can he get some kind of souvenir of the old place, so that he could carry a part of it with him at the new school?

2. He says it is ''hard to wait.'' What does that really mean, I wonder? Are the hours different at this school than at the daycare? Are there a lot more kids? Or fewer? Why wasn't it ''hard to wait'' at the old place? Is there anything that would make it easier ''to wait'' at the new place?

3. You are probably right--this too will pass in two, three, maybe four weeks. In the meantime, my heart goes out to you. You sound like a wonderful parent. Best of luck. kira

My gosh, your situation sounds utterly agonizing. First of all, I BEG you not to worry about this experience causing permanent damage on top of everything else (though it's awfully hard for us moms to stop worrying, since that's part of our job). Children are amazingly resilient -- especially when they they grow up with loving parents like you who encourage them to talk about their feelings.

It sounds like you & the preschool teachers care deeply about your son & are doing all the right things to help him adjust. Alas, sometimes things just don't click for whatever reason. On the one hand, your son's difficult transition could be totally normal & he may eventually wind up doing well & loving the place. After all, big changes -- like new schools, new jobs, moving, etc. -- can be tough for ANYone regardless of age or temperament. Also, three-year olds tend to be extremely particular about their environment, routines, etc. & even the most easy-going children go through rough times now & then.

On the other hand, some children (just like some adults), are highly sensitive & do better in certain environments. You may want to consider how your son's current preschool differs from his former daycare, in terms of the physical size & attributes of the facility (what feels dark or claustrophobic to an adult may feel safe & cozy to a child; conversely, a spacious & brightly-lit facility can make some kids feel utterly lost); the number of children enrolled & how groups are divided (some kids need a higher degree of intimacy than others); educational philosophy (some kids need more freedom, while others need more structure), etc.

Your son's temperament sounds very similar to my daughter's. She is friendly & easy-going, loves to explore & generally relishes new people, places & situations. But on the rare occasions when she dislikes something, she is absolutely ADAMANT about it. For example, she loves travelling with me by car, bicycle, train, airplane or boat. But it'll be a LONG time before I ever try to get her on a bus again!

Can you take your son around to different preschools that have openings so you can see if he responds positively to any of them? Alas, I know how hard it is to get time off from work to do stuff like that. I guess it all really boils down to what you feel deep in your gut. You love your son & know him better than anyone else & should trust your intuition. If you feel your boy is going through a stage & would have a hard time adjusting to ANY preschool with unfamiliar teachers & kids, then you'll probably need to help the poor little guy tough it out. If you feel that the preschool is totally wrong for him, then your son needs to change preschools (& perhaps enroll in one that offers a similar environment to his former daycare) as soon as possible for both of your sakes. Good luck! I know you'll do the right thing. -- another mom

Hi, My little one is still just a few months old, so this advice is based on my sister's experience with her second child. She also had a very difficult transition to preschool at age 3, despite being a very social kid who usually adapted easily. After 2 horrible weeks, and numerous conversations with the clearly caring, excellent teachers, my sister observed for a morning through a 1 way viewing window. Her daughter spent most of the time huddled in a corner, crying pitifully, despite repeated efforts by the teachers.

One teacher suggested moving her from the three year olds class to a group of ''almost threes.'' My sister was hesitant, but since she needed her in preschool, she agreed to try. Within a few days of the switch, her daughter loved school and came home happy every day. Fast forward a couple of years, and after a lot of thought, my sister decided to keep her in preschool an extra year, so she started kindergarten at almost 6. She is now a very well adjusted, happy 2nd grader who still loves school. My sister would not have guessed that her daughter's issue was immaturity, given her social nature and intelligence. However, moving her from being ''average'' age in the class to among the oldest seemed to give her a real boost. I don't know if this is at all similar to what's happening with your son, but if there is a younger age class available, it might be worth looking into. Stephanie

You didn't mention whether the preschool was a full day. This turned out to be a problem (I think) for my child. I think the full day (3 days a week) in a large group was just too much for her. We are just beginning a part-time preschool situation in combo with a babysitter so that the longest day is only 5 hours and the other 4 days are 3 hours in a school setting, and with babysitter is about 28 hours total per week. This is quite a juggle, but I think on the otherhand that more than 4 hours a day solo with a sitter as a preschooler is not that stimulating, so we are trying a little bit of each. I can't report back yet, as we just are starting this arrangement. Anon

I wanted to write a followup to my request for advice about my son’s difficult transition to preschool, first to say thank you to all of the people who offered advice and sympathy. The support I got from this network was exceptionally helpful to me. Second, a friend told me that those with preschool in their future might be interested in the outcome. So here it is:

I wrote the post at the beginning of week 2, in a panic. By the end of that week, there was noticeable improvement - my son was crying a bit when I dropped him off, but no longer screaming; and during the day was playing and seemed content. As of this week (week 4) things are much better. He still is sad when I drop him off, and he still says he doesn't want to go, but can also talk about it calmly. Several mornings at dropoff he has not cried. He has bonded with one of the teachers - calls her his buddy. Also, he has a friend who plays in the sand with him. He is slee! ping through the night, and his behavior at home is better. When I pick him up at the he seems happy, and sometimes doesn't want to go home right away. The preschool has been very helpful. The teachers cuddle the sad kids, they are encouraged to write notes to their parents, and helped to find friends and activities to help them through the transition. There has also been lots of help for the parents of upset children. In retrospect, I think I had some very unrealistic expectations of my son.

I thought that he was used to being away from me, so he would have no trouble. For whatever foolish reason, it didn't occur to me how much he would miss his buddies and his old care provider. Nor did it occur to me that this preschool is pretty huge (size and activity wise) compared to his earlier situation. He's also nearing three-and-a-half, and shows many of the associated difficulties described in the book "Your Three Year Old" (I don't buy everything this author says, but she seems spot-on with this one). So some of this is probably bad timing. My old care provider actually gave me some of the best advice. She told me that it is usually kids like mine (the no-trouble-at-all kids) who melt down completely during a transition like this, much to everyone's surprise. She knows us, knows about the preschool, and told me that I had to be absolutely certain I was doing the right thing and convey this to my son.

Here are the things that have been most helpful:

I let my son talk about preschool. I tell him that I understand it is big, new, and scary (his words), but that every day it will get a little better, and someday he will like it. He seems to accept this much better than talk about all the fun things at preschool.

I leave as quickly as possible at dropoff. I don't like doing this, but the longer I stay, the worse it gets when I have to leave. If I kiss him and bolt out the door, he goes right in to play and doesn't cry. He has seen his old buddies several times. Although the experiences tend to be difficult, he makes big strides the next day (e.g. the day after a "goodbye" picnic with everyone there was the first day he didn't cry at dropoff).

We've had a few playdates with the younger kids. Some of them haven't seemed hugely successful, but my son does seem to be feeling more comfortable knowing some kids.

Hope this is helpful Karen

Preparing child for transition to preschool

July 2003

My son will start preschool next fall, and I am wondering how other parents have prepared their kids for this kind of big change in their lives. Of most concern for me now is how he can most smoothly change his daily routine, and his companions. He is excited about starting school, and likes the place he will go. But he has spent three or four mornings a week with the same care giver and same other children since he was a year old. He loves the care giver very much, and recently has shown even greater attachment to her, often crying when she goes home. She will continue to look after him one day a week after school starts, but still, the change will be dramatic for him. What can I do to help make the transition easier for him? Carolyn

I think that children are so much more resilient and easy with change than we are--usually. I fretted about my child changing pre-schools. He was happy enough at his first pre-school, and I dreaded telling him that he wasn't moving on to the next classroom at his current school with his friends. I then took him to visit the new school--equally as sweet as his old school but with much more room and varied activities (gardening and the like) because the 2nd school was so much more expansive than the 1st. I told him that he could visit his old school anytime, and he seemed completely unperturbed. (he loves the new, the novel) Upon visiting his new school, he said that he could not finish out the year at his old school, that he wanted to start his new school, ''Right now, this, this, this exact moment.''

I guess what I am saying if that the pre-school is a benign, loving place, and Mom is at ease with the choice, your child will do great. And, as an aside, a few teary separations does not mean that you have made a wrong choice for your chi Fretting Less and less

Child taking a long time to adjust to preschool

July 2003

Hi, My Son is 2 yrs and 8 months old.After a lot of research and school visits we found a preschool in fremont which we thought would be suitable for him.(This is the first time he is away from mom..He has never been to a daycare or had any playdates)

When we visited we met his teacher and liked her very much...She was very kind and my kid was showing great progress in the 2nd week itself.But when i went to drop him at school the 3rd week the director told me that his teacher had quit the job and there was another teacher for his class.

The new teacher wasn't even smiling at me or my child.She was kind of different when i dropped him or picked him from school.She never cared to look at me and talk a few words about what my son did that day at school.The director is a very nice person and so i talk to her when i pick him up to know abt how he did at school.

What is even more hard for me is my child who was okay for the first 2 weeks has started crying this week at school very much.The director says that he doesn't even show interest in any project activity or communicating with friends this week.He just keeps crying and whining.

I could also see some changes in his behaviour this week.He used to be very very polite and kind.Now he doesn't even answer to anything i ask.i am so worried about this.

Also to add to all of these worries the teacher's helper came to me when i entered the classroom and started complaining that my son had been crying on and off.And she said if the other teacher had quit the job what can others do for that...and the way she talked to me i felt like crying.

I haven't talked abt this to the director.Even if i decide to withdraw my son from the school i have to give them a month's notice (or just pay for the next month and leave).So he has to be there for another a month.So i think it might be bad for my son to tell anything abt the teacher's helper and also the new teacher's way of treating me.(and ofcourse i don't think she does anything to distract my son when he cries..she just doesn't seem to care)

He is just a little kid(not even 3yrs) and i don't have an option to stay at home and take care of the kid the whole day...So does anyone of the parents out there had a situation like this..Is this normal for a kid to take this long to adjust to a preschool?Can someone please advice me what to do at this time?I feel very stressed out because of this problem.Can someone please tell me the right thing that i should do ? Sumo

We had a similar experience, with a teacher our daughter liked leaving preschool after she'd been there a few weeks, and a disengaged replacement. We stuck it out for a while thinking maybe it was just adjustment problems, but things keep getting worse, and really escalated at the end. After 3 months we switched preschools and it took my daughter about 1 or 2 days to become completely comfortable there! Some teachers just don't like some kids, and the kids can tell. I'd go with your gut on the new teacher and find a better place! karen

So sorry to hear about your dilemma. I don't think it is all that uncommon for children to have difficulty adjusting to preschool even after they've been great there for a few weeks. Sometimes it just takes them awhile to realize that this isn't a drill anymore and the novelty is gone. Both my children were the same way -- loved it the first week or so than had a tough time for the next two. One of them had a teacher change right away as well, so that didn't help either. They ended up loving their experience and making many new friends over the years, which is the great news.

That said, though, it sounds as if the preschool is not right for either you or your son and I would look at other options. Rather than complaining about your son's crying, the teacher and the aide should be looking into reasons as to why he is doing it and working with you to help figure out a solution. Or at least provide you with some insight. I don't think my expectations are out of line that a preschool teacher should have a kind and caring way about her.

At my children's preschool, the teachers ALWAYS comfort the children when they are crying, particularly the newer kids who are going through an adjustment period. Granted they can't continually hold them while watching the other children as well, but without fail they give them some sort of individual attention. Between our two kids, we've been at preschool for a bit more than 4.5 years and have seen a lot of children make the adjustment (and have seen a lot of parents leave with tears the first few weeks and smiles after that).

Even though you have a good rapport with the director, you should have a similar rapport with your son's teacher. She is the one that is with him during the majority of the day and she is in the best position to help you find ways for your son to make the adjustment. Something just sounds off here, and I would really consider looking into other preschool options.

Veteran preschool mom

This does not sound like a problem with your son, rather a problem with the school. If he did well with the last teacher, and is not doing well with this one, it should be an indication that something is going on at school that is upsetting to him.

If a child cries at preschool, the teacher or someone on staff should pick him up, sit with him, etc. to soothe him, rather than just ignore it and complain to the parents! If the staff at this place are not giving attention to a crying child, you should get him out of there ASAP! The new teacher sounds horrible, and I dont care how nice the director is. If your son felt loved and cared for at school, he wouldn't be crying. Pay the money and find another place. Make sure you get recommendations for the one you choose, and be sure to ask them how they handle kids who have adjustment issues. Be sure to tell them about your past experience. anon

Start looking for a new daycare/pre-school immediately. Talk to the director today. Write down all your concerns, past, present and future (such as your fear of how your son might be treated if you announce your decision to leave) to give to the director and to make sure you don't forget anything. Talk to other parents - some of them might have the same concerns.

Do not be afraid. Listen to your heart. It is your child's safety and happiness, and your happiness that you have to worry about. He is not doing well there. Concerned

Get a new preschool ASAP. Susan

My advice would be generic advice that I'd give to anyone who has a problem with someone or something. If one doesn't speak up about it, one can't expect others to know there is something wrong. You have every right to ensure your child's well-being. Not saying anything to the Director, with whom you seem to have good rapport, is not helping your situation. I would schedule a meeting with him/her. I would also try and speak to the teacher him/herself. It seems that even though she/he may not be outwardly social, that person must answer to your concerns of her/his care of your child. You are paying the school to take care of your child; they are not doing you a favor. You need to speak up for your rights and of your concerns. Good luck. anon

Tearful drop-offs at preschool

August 2003

My daughter is 2.9 months and is beginning preschool for five days per week, half days (8-12:30) in Sept. During the month of August we enrolled her in the school's summer program to help her adjust to the school. The first week was great, she loved her teacher, and still talks a lot about her very positively. But the second and third weeks have been progressivly harder -- teary, clingy drop offs and now claims at home in the morning of ''I don't want to go to my new school today.'' The teachers have been very warm and embracing and have called me regularly to give me updates that she is doing great during the day, having fun, and playing lots. But I wonder, how long do you as a parent let you child go through the tough drop offs, and what signs should I be looking for that indicate it may be more than just a hard adjustment? Any advice on how to help my daughter adjust or how long to wait it out would be helpful.

I had the same experience with my twins. One of them was okay the first week, when everything was novel and new, but after that it was torture to get him dressed and in the car and he screamed when I dropped him off. It killed me. Then one day we broke the cycle. Instead of crying all the way to school in the car we were able to have fun. I made up the game ''I see a ______________ does anybody else''- spotting anything along the way to keep him distracted enough to not cry and I was being extra silly so they were laughing and having fun. That day drop off for us was very pleasant. We played the game each day after and tried to have fun on the way and that was that- no more tears. Anytime my kids start whining or complaining about school on the way now I use a little silly reverse psychology and say'' Oh good- no smiling- today is a crying and whining day. I hope I don't see any smiling or laughing.'' They almost always fall for it and break into huge smiles which, of course, I have to react to in a overly dramatic upset way ''Hey, NO smiling'' Hasn't failed me yet. Good luck CB

My son had a similar situation and we discovered that he likes new situations, but also has a hard time transitioning over the long run. He eventually settled into the routine at school and did very well. If your child is truly unhappy, you will be able to tell--we also had that situation and it never got better. He was able to tell us that he was unhappy and didn't like the school. He always told us he liked the second school. Just trust that your child will be able to let you know what's happening. Sara

Helping 4-year-old make friends at preschool

May 2003

My daughter is almost 4, and has been in preschool for almost a year. She attends five mornings a week. Although she enjoys the activities and teachers at preschool, and plays casually with the other children, she doesn't really have any preschool friends. I attribute this partly to the situation that when she joined the school, all the other girls were already in a very tight clique, and she was the only new one. She is also the youngest girl in the school, and there is only one boy younger. My heart breaks when she says she doesn't have any friends. (I do point out a couple friends she has out of school.) I keep her in this school because she does like to go, and I think changing would just create the same situation of being the new one.

I've tried encouraging her to play with the other girls and boys. I've called the parents of a couple of the other girls to try to set up playdates, but they have been unresponsive, and no one has ever asked me. I could call again, but I don't know if it's even polite to keep asking. Maybe it's just an organizational issue, or maybe their children don't want to play with her. (Or maybe I'm the problem?)

Several new children, both girls and boys, are starting at the beginning of July. Is there any way to coach her on how to make friend with these new kids? I remember my mother trying to give me advice on how to make friends when I was a child, and though I couldn't tell her at the time, it was seemed totally impractical because it didn't acknowledge the whole social landscape of my peers. I don't want to give that kind of advice. Also I didn't have many friends as a child, so I don't know what to tell her.

I'm seeking advice from people who were more socially adept children, or anyone with any insight. Seeking Friends

Often older kids (and they don't have to be that much older) just zone out on younger ones who just cannot keep up socially. They also have their established friends and patterns of play and for a lot of children it can be difficult to make the adjustment to include a new person.I would try and make playdates with the new incoming crowd who might be more around her age and social maturation level. The incoming mom's are more likely to be receptive as they will in most cases want to encourage and support friendships for their children in their new school. Good Luck

I'm sure your situation is similar to many other moms. I have found it difficult to 'break the ice' with other parents and so far have only been relatively successful. Like you, i don't know if it's the parents, or me, or my daughter. I am a little shy though i don't think people would usually think that of me. I think maybe it's just that it takes a certain amount of persistance and an ability to not feel 'put out' if you don't get the response that you would like. I have found that it's sometimes easier getting my own daughter playtime with the boys in her preschool as they haven't 'yet' formed those tight cliques that you described. You might also try helping out with any sort of extracurricular activities that your daughters school does. I know having school picnics and potlucks where all the parents are involved and able to socialize is a great way to meet the other parents and suggest 'again' those playdates for your daughter and other children. best of luck to you...

Why not just you yourself immediately get friendly with the new parents and invite them and their children over for a few playdates? I'm doubtful that any kind of coaching will help a 4 year old make friends....just show her by example and set up a situation where she can interact one-on-one with them. If the parents are very busy, you can also just offer to host the playdate yourself. Playdates really helped our daughter alot at age 4.

That being said, our daughter also had trouble making friends at preschool at age 4. Switching preschools did it for us we found better teachers more able to facilitate kids' interactions, friendlier families eager for playdates, and more compatible kids. Or maybe she was just suddenly ready. So you might want to consider it, especially as lots of places will be starting up again anew in the fall. Karen

Shy 3 year old having a tough time at preschool

related page: Advice about Shyness

April 2003

My shy sweet sensitive three year old boy is having a tough time at preschool. He is very chatty and outgoing at home, but in other situations esp outside of the home can be very shy. At preschool, he is not talking very much at all (a few words a day) and usually I pick him up, is playing by himself or just wandering around (by himself). Up until now, he has told me that he likes school and usually wants to stay when I come to pick him up, but recently he has become clingy when I drop him off and last week was holding me and crying. Today, he thought (incorrectly) he was going to school and almost burst into tears, saying he wanted to stay home. I'm thinking that he is feeling very left out. He talks a lot about friends at school, but he can't name anyone special and i don't see him playing with any one child. The teachers are very warm and caring, and there is an excellent teacher/child ration and the program seems very interesting and stimulating. I guess my question is what can I do to help my very shy child deal with school? Can anyone recommend some books? And although it is a very good school, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking something very small (like 5 kids) and preferably diverse would be better. Thanks

Maybe you could try having playdates outside of school with some of your son's classmates. It might be easier for him to form friendships in a one-on-one setting, and those friendships would hopefully carry over to school. The teachers could probably suggest boys (or girls) that might be the most compatible with your son. Stephanie

My shy 5 year old daughter also had a tough time at preschool. The second year was better than the first, but if I had to do it over, I would have put her in a smaller preschool. Here are some things that have helped us: focus on the positive things that he likes about school; don't fret too much about his playing with other kids at school--it shouldn't be a performance thing. It's ok for your kid to like playing by himself some or alot as long as he's happy. Ask the teachers to encourage other kids (occasionally) to come to him and engage him as opposed to always having him engage others. Have lots of playdates with kids your child likes. While I frequently felt a bit disappointed that playdates that went well at home didn't always transfer to school interactions, it did, I think, give my daughter some confidence in the area of positive interactions with another child in a less threatening setting (on her turf). Find one teacher and one or two children that your child bonds with and encourage those relationships. Shy kids tend to develop special relationships with one teacher and one or two kids. While paying attention to the anxiety your child feels around social interactions, also don't blow it out of proportion. Many shy children outgrow it to some degree. Also, check out the books: the highly sensitive person and ''please understand me'' and check out the INFP learning style to see if this seems to fit your child. Also, find other group settings such as classes that your child enjoys to draw friends from. Mom of a shy kid

Personality change after starting preschool

June 2002

We placed our 3.6 yr. old, Sean in a well known Kensingtopn preschool in January. Up till then, Sean had been at home with either myself (mom) or his grandmother. His brother was born last August.

Since Sean started pre-school, his personality has done a 360. He used to be a loving, playful little guy, who listened and behaved (As well as a three year old can). Within a month of starting school, he has become very aggressive, constantly trying to bite or hit anyone around, including his 9 month old brother. He has been labeled as an aggressor at school, which we find very disturbing. I've tried to speak with the director, however she has not been much help. She questioned what we were doing at home with him, and wanted to be sure we were addressing the problem.

We've been reading a lot about 3 & 1/2 yr. olds and have learned that this behavior can be common, especially with a new sibling in the house. However, we have seen such a huge change, and so negative, that we are questioning the pre-school situation above all. We are considering pulling our son out of the school and transfering him to another one, although I want to be careful not to do further damage by placing him in yet another new situation.

I would appreciate any opinions/feedback on similar situations/advice on this. We are really confused about what to do. Thanks.

I doubt there's a personality change, just stress. My (younger) son was kicked out of his preschool at age 2 1/2 for just this behavior, which had occurred a little bit at home and in his shared-sitter arrangement before he started school, but nothing like the behavior which was reported to us on a daily basis from preschool. We got a babysitter just for him, no share, and she adored him and took him everywhere and he was an angel. He started school again almost 10 months later (elsewhere) and has been a very well behaved child and the teachers love him. He just wasn't ready then and it was too much to have to negotiate for every single toy every single minute of the day and then come home and deal with his older brother who tried to tell him how to do everything. Who wouldn't just want to scream? Interestingly, just last week (he's now 3 1/2 and in his 4th month at his new school) one of the younger kids bit him at school. I asked him about it when it was reported to me by the teacher. He said, '' mama, it's ok. Some kids just have some more growing to do.'' Been there. If you have the option, I would take him out of school and get him one-on-one care for awhile. Start back in January, maybe, after he's had time to adjust to his new sibling and ''do some growing.'' Raissa

We dealt with very similar concerns recently. Our son had been in part-time daycare since he was about six months old, and his caregivers always reported that he was happy and social. But last fall, at 2 1/2, his ''class'' moved to a new site with several significant differences: new teachers, twice as many children, a preschool-type curriculum.

We noticed the behavioral changes almost right away, though for our son they were in the opposite direction from yours: withdrawal, extreme shyness, near silence while at school, and uncharacteristically strong separation anxiety. We figured some of this was normal while he adjusted to the changes, so we waited it out for awhile and kept in touch with his teachers about his daily activiites. Things just kept getting worse.

Over a couple of months, we think we identified all of the things in the environment that were upsetting our child. The change from ''daycare'' to ''preschool'' meant that the kids were expected to make adaptations to the group, and there were far fewer adaptations of the group to the needs of any individual child. Naptimes, for example, were utterly inflexible. This regimented routine was very hard on our son, as I'd expect it to be for yours, since he has not previously been in group care.

The size of the group (about 16 two to three year olds) was also a problem. It seemed hard for the children and teachers to bond. Our son never became particularly attached to any of his new caregivers -- in fact, sometimes he didn't even seem comfortable. The large class was, in itself, probably overwhelming for him. When we'd drop in to check on him, we often found this otherwise friendly, social boy playing alone! If your child is having difficulty making any emotional connections -- either with teachers or other children -- it seems to me the aggressive behavior you've noticed would be a perfectly predictable reaction for a three year old.

On the other hand, you might investigate whether your son is picking up this new behavior from any of the other kids. If your son is being bullied, his aggression may be self-defense, or just an outlet for his anger and fear. In our experience, the teachers tried to control one very aggressive child, but didn't seem to recognize how deeply affected our son was. They could not, or would not, keep our son and this other child separated during the day. In the end, this was the worst problem for us, and ultimately tipped the scales on our decision to remove our child from school.

We realized that, at 2 1/2 it wasn't yet necessary for our son to ''learn how to adapt'' to the demands of the world. I'm very comfortable making the world adapt to him in a few small, meaningful ways, like taking his cues about when to be active, and when to play quietly. Kindergarten is still a long way off! We were more concerned about establishing negative early memories of ''school.'' I opted to join a playgroup (where I can monitor the quality of his social interactions firsthand), enroll him in a couple of tot classes, and make a concerted effort to go out each day to places where he can encounter other kids.

If your situation doesn't require that your son be in full-time care, I'd suggest making some changes. After five months, I think you would be seeing improvement if your child is simply ''getting adjusted.'' There's probably more going on. Try reducing the number of hours he attends, and drop in frequently to watch your child. You'll probably be able to figure out exactly what's going on with him, and if your school won't make accomodations for his needs, then look around at other schools! And if you have to, give him some time off, and try preschool again in a few months.

Our son was back to his old self within a couple of weeks. No more separation anxiety, friendly and social, and we even noticed more rapid improvements in his language. In our case, it was obvious (what a relief!) that we had made the right choice. We plan to try preschool (in a different setting) again in the fall. We hope the extra time at home has enabled him to grow at his own pace, and that he'll be ready to deal with the challenges of school. Anon

My daughter attened preschool 2 mornings a week this past year and I felt there that her teacher really knew her well and had time to get to know both she and I and would notice if she started to behave differently. I guess what concerns me is the lack of help you seem to be getting from the preschool. Did your son's teacher notice the change? Did she see him as a sweet, calm boy when he first began school? I'd consider changing schools if these people don't see your child more the way you do. another mom

Ask him. If you don't get an answer the first time, rephrase the question, but I bet he knows and can tell you enough to give you a clue. Barbara

Preschooler doesn't want to go home

December 2002

I should be happy my daughter has so much fun at preschool she doesn't want to leave when I pick her up. However it often becomes such an unpleasant scene to get her out the gate that I almost wish she didn't like being there so much. Here's what usually happens: She spots me, she tells me she is not ready to go, I tell her she has ''5'' minutes and then it'll be time to go. ''5'' minutes pass (usually more), I tell her it is time to go, she says she's not ready and runs off. I catch up to her, say it's time to go, she runs off. This continues a few times till I have to forcefully get her out the gate against her will sometimes kicking and screaming. This is not easy, mind you, as I always have my 2 y.o. son with me who doesn't like to leave either. Against my better judgement, I have resorted to ''Mommy's leaving'' and walking out the gate without her which usually brings her running, crying, but I don't like that technique at all. Bribing with a treat in the car has worked as well but I am looking for other ideas. Anybody? Kathryn

Wow! I almost forgot that I too posted a similar message about 6 months ago. I just gave birth to my son and my daughter did not want to leave daycare. I can tell you that every situation is different and just getting ideas from others was a huge relief (especially the posts that stated that they too had similar challenges!) What changed for my situation was a combination of things: I did the bribing, I did the timed warnings, I did the threats and pleading. I also adjusted when I picked her up (usually at the same time every day). We talked about her daily schedule; Daddy takes you to school, you spend time at school, Mommy picks you up, we go home so that you can spend time with baby brother and Mommy, eat dinner, take a bath etc etc. This was a good thing because she would tell me what she'd be doing that day herself. Also, I asked for some suggestions from her caregivers. In time, and with trying out different solutions, things changed dramatically. It may not feel like it now, but I am sure it will pass! In the meantime, get creative with different solutions and best of luck! Eileen

Oh boy, I just went through something similar with my daughter at 3 1/2. You might want to try what I call the ''no second chances approach.'' Just tell her you are leaving in 5 minutes, give her some kind of count down or two minute warning, and then when time is up, leave. Pick her up if you have to, even if she is kicking and screaming (walking away is probably not a good idea, because she might decide not to follow). I think she needs to learn that (1) it is inevitable that she will have to leave and (2) when you say you are leaving in 5 minutes, you will leave in 5 minutes. It is VERY HARD to stick to this kind of approach and not give in and give one warning after another. But I think that for me I had given my daughter so many second chances to, for example, go to bed, that she didn't know when time was truly up. For a lot of things, I still do give extra chances. But for the really important, day after day things like leaving school, being consistent is important. I think you'll find that she might react even more strongly for a few days, but then she will accept that she needs to leave when you say. Good luck! Stephanie

I'm guessing that starting with ''5 minutes'' is a sure invitation for a power-struggle (rules are made to be broken, after all). How about this approach: When your daughter spots you and says she's not ready, you could ask her: ''Are you having a great time and you want to keep playing?'' Acknowledging her feelings could be a path to connecting with her about where she's at, and working out with her what might work for both of you. While this may not be the end of the conversation, it could be a wonderful start to helping her feel more trusting that you understand her feelings and are ''with her.'' How the conversation continues depends a lot on how she responds to your question - she might want some more understanding of her, or she might be open to hearing your feelings and needs.

Three more related ideas: 1) have a talk with her at another time, when you are both relaxed and connected, and see if you can fully understand what goes on for her instead of trying to get her to change her behavior. This might give you a clue as to what both of you might do differently. 2) Consider what she is going home TO - is there something for her to look forward to? I don't mean a bribe in the car, but the opportunity for play and connection with family members? If not, consider making such a time when you come in - even a concentrated 15 minutes of focusing on play with the children could make her more excited about home. 3) I wonder how she'd feel about you joining into her play for the 5-10 minutes you're at the preschool, as a way to transition her attention from what she's doing there to being with you in a warm, loving way.

I hope this helps.
Inbal

I suggest you come to school prepared to relax and enjoy a story or playtime with your child. It's normal for children to have a rough time during transitions, any change from what they're doing is a transition. So walk in quietly, see what your child is doing, join in, relax, and go home a little later when everyone is in a better mood!
Experienced Mom, preschool teacher, postpartum doula.

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