Worried about Molestation
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Worried about Molestation
February 2004
I have recently begun the process of finding a preschool for my
child who will be three in the fall. My sister has instilled some
serious fear in me by asking me to wait to put my child in
preschool for another year because of the high incidences of
sexual abuse in preschool (she apparently knows someone who's
daughter was molested by a preschool teacher, and the child is
not considered a credable witness b/c she is not yet 4 y.o., the
age determined to be when a child can determine the difference
b/w the truth and a lie...and therefore nothing can be done about
or to the teacher) and the incidences she is referring to
are in a nearby city, not ours, which is Berkeley, I should add.
She has made me very nervous now, and I wonder if there is anyone
out there who has had similar fears and was able to find out more
about such situations? How does one do a background check on
teachers? Do you ask the school? Do you go to the Better Business
Bureau? I am at a loss as to where to start. I told my sister
that I cannot live my life in fear of every person that comes
into contact with my child, but I don't want to be naive either.
Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this?
Hmmm. I know someone who was molested by her uncle. Does this
make ALL uncles child molesters? It is crazy to suggest that
children in preschool are molested more or less than any other
child. In fact, most child-molestation happens from a family
member. Most preschool rooms have more than one teacher (at least
two or more at all times), are open areas, and any official
preschool does a background check on their teachers anyway. I
worry much less about my children who are in preschool than I do
about my one child who is still with a babysitter. Shame on your
sister for sharing her ignorance about molestation with you, and
scaring you. Preschool is a wonderful experience for children.
Mom of four
I don't mean to invalidate your concerns, but you may be
overreacting. Of course there are rare incidents when stuff like
that happens, but there are SO many reputable pre-schools in
this area.
I'd suggest asking parents of kids already in pre-school or
slightly older which schools they like. Go check out the
schools, talk to the teachers, ask to talk to some of the
parents with kids attending the schools.
Personally I don't think 3 is too young for pre-school (on the
average...depends on the kid) and it's good socialization for
them.
My boys, now 8 1/2 and 13 went to Arlington pre-school on the
Arlington in Kensington. They were very happy there and I always
felt my kids were absolutely safe and taken care of there.
Good luck to you....I say, talk to lots of parents about their
pre-schoolers experiences.
This is a question for BANANAS. Not only do they know the
preschool and daycare licensing process very, very well, but
they can give you information about the actual incidence of
abuse in preschool and daycare settings. The number is 658-7353.
Jennifer
I don't believe you can check the background of individual
teachers since that would require personal information you
wouldn't have, like their ssn, address ect. However, to be
licenced a preschool must have all their teachers pass
fingerprint clearance. You should check the licencing, because
even if all their teachers have clean records, it will tell you
if they have other citations, such as not meeting teacher to
student ratios, safety, cleanliness ect. Those problems are much
more common than sexual abuse. I have walked into my child's
former preschool and found them out of compliance on teacher
ratios several times. Contact Banana's they can give y! ou the
number to call to check the preschool's licencing. It should
also be in the phone book
bev
I am a public school teacher of 17 years, and prior to that I
worked in Pre Schools and Daycares during college. I do know
that Bananas Childcare Referral Service in Oakland can give you
a number to call to check up on almost any childcare institution
in the Bay Area, including Montessori's etc.. I checked up on my
daughter's daycare. What they can tell you is whether or not
any complaints, suspensions, or legal actions have been
filed/taken against the said pre school. I can't remember the
name of the agency and cant call to get it because I am online,
but call BANANAS Childcare Referral in Oakland. But let me just
take a moment to put your mind at ease... In order for someone
to get away with molesting a child in daycare, everyone has to
be involved, b! ecause otherwise the other adults present would
see or know something. I guarantee you, your child is safer in
a pre school than in most places, because there are so many
people around(children and adults.) Also, I believe that any
liscensed PreSchool is bound to disclose whether or not their
teachers have been fingerprinted at the Police Department. Hope
that helps.
Olive
I am a former preschool teacher, so please feel free to contact
me with any further questions...
Preschool directors, teachers and assisitant teachers are all
required to have a live-scan done, which is to be fingerprinted.
That covers state background checks but not FBI records.
Trustline, which is the typically the nanny background check,
checks FBI records too. Once an individual has been
fingerprinted, it only costs like $40 more to be trustlined. If you are really concerned, I
dont think it would
be too
outrageous to ask the staff of your child's preschool to be
trustlined (but you should probably offer to pay for it). As a
teacher, I would have respected and honored that request.
That said, I do not know the statistics on sexual molestation in
preschools. But I do know that there are many great preschools
in this area. Schools with loving, respectful people who care
deeply about teaming with parents to raise children in an
intentional and caring manner.
Good luck with your search, and do not hesitate to ask for what
you need to be comfortable with a preschool.
Helene
From a professional point of view one could do the following:
Obtain the names of all people who might have contact with your
child from the school.
Ask the school director if, and what type of, background checks
have been done on these people.
Do your own background on them: 1) Ask other parents who have
children there if they've had any concerns; 2) check their
criminal/civil records.
As to the frequency of crime against children read the Juvenile
Justice Bulletin, Sept. 2001, Crimes Against Children by
Babysitters.
(http://www.ncjrs.org/html/ojjdp/jjbul2001_9_4/contents.html)
Here is a summary statement:
''The fact that babysitters account for approximately 4 percent of
crimes committed against children less than 6 years old—a rate
below that of complete strangers—helps put the matter in
perspective. ''
Tamara Thompson, Tamara Thompson Investigations
hi,
I completely understand your need to keep your child(ren) safe
without being in a constant panic or so overprotective that
nobody and nothing seems safe. By thinking about this before
sending your child out into the world, and by realizing that any
child is at risk for abuse to some extent, you are giving your
child a huge gift. I am not really sure how helpful this
response will be, but I hope it will be of some use to you. I know that there is no easy way
to recognize a
child molester; to
my horror, I found out (after the relationship ended) that
someone I was involved with for years is a child molester. I
had no idea; there were no warning signs I was able to pick up
on; this person, like so many child molesters, had no criminal
backgrounds, had a resume that indicated a great interest in
children and the ability to work positively in settings
including children, and most parents of the children he worked
with were happy with the way he interacted with their children.
I know now that he fits quite a few characteristics of
the ''profile'' of a child molester (do a search online--it will
tell you there's no ''true'' profile, but there's a generally
agreed-on set of characteristics that, with any reason for
suspicion present, would reinforce the suspicion--but please
don't start thinking that everyone who fits some of these
charac! teristics should be suspect). In this person's case,
the ''red flag'' would have been excessive interest in children,
accompanied by extreme identification with children, as well as
working relentlessly to earn trust and respect of parents in
order to gain one-on-one access to children, some of whom he
molested. These people usually gravitate towards kids who are
needy in some way or another and identify and fill the need,
ensuring secrecy and a sense in the child that she or he is
partially responsible for the abuse that has taken place. Most
offenders molest a great number of children before they get
caught. Most victims never tell. Most adults to whom children
disclose abuse never report. Most offenders, even if
investigated, are never convicted, and even if suspected of the
crime, there is nothing in the offender's record to show that he
or she was suspected of the crime. Most abuse ! leaves no
physical evidence. Most offenders are male.
I personally wouldn't be very panicked about having my child in
a daycare setting. Most licensed daycare centers are well
supervised and there is usually more than one adult with the
children at all times, in addition to a policy of allowing
parents to come in anytime without advance notice. If you're
worried, choose a daycare with a low teacher-child ratio and
with more than one teacher in the room at once. Choose a
daycare with open spaces and very few doors, where children and
adults can be watched from inside as well as from outside. And,
though I feel a need for apologizing to all the male readers out
there, it is important to remember that almost all child
molesters out there are male (more and more documented cases are
recognizing female offenders, but the fact remains that most are
men), and if you're really concerned, then choose a daycare in
which there are no male teachers, though this ! seems like a bit
of an extreme move. Remember, a huge proportion of abuse occurs
within the family, in the family residence. You are doing a lot
by providing your child with a safe home in which nobody would
dream of molesting your child.
Talk to your child about good touches and bad touches and have
him or her practice saying ''no'' loudly and tell the child that
if touching by anyone, even a close friend or a family member,
doesn't feel good, they can scream and get help from an adult.
Tell your child that ''we don't keep secrets.'' You will be
empowering your child. (I'm sure there's no need to make your
child paranoid. Just be straightforward about it)
anon
In order to teach in a legally licensed care center in
California, all teachers need to be fingerprinted before being
hired. They are then checked for any criminal activity and child
abuse. If there are any counts of abuse or any major criminal
records, they are not able to be hired by centers. However,
there are sometimes criminal counts that can be counted as minor
and will still allow people to be hired -- things such as petty
thefts that happened years ago. These are, however, public
information. For any of the centers, you can call the State of
California Department of Social Services Childcare Licensing at
510.622.2602 to ask if there is anyone working at specific
centers who might have any ''strikes'' against them. While they
are not able to reveal who has the record, they have to tell you
if anyone there does. In any case, you can call Licensing for
more information on the details.
-- Learning the details
November 2003
Given the recent sexual abuse allegations made against a
former student teacher at Mills College, I want to learn
more about how teachers and staff are screened for this and
other harmful behavior. Do public and private schools need
to adhere to the same standards? Is there a state or
federal law that must be met? During tours of schools I've
asked each school what their procedures are but being new
to this whole process I'm not really sure if what they are
doing is enough. Is there a way to check on if a school
has had complaints or litigation? Does anyone have any
information, comments, advice?
Thank you
I am a credentialed teacher. In order to receive my
credential I had to be fingerprinted. My fingerprints were
sent by the university to the state and they did a
background check on me. Conviction for sex crimes is one of
the things they look for. I can't remember well now, but I
think they also check for other criminal convictions as
well.
Additionally, when hired by a public school district I was
again finger printed. The district refingerprinted me
because if they do the check then they will automatically
receive updates from the state upon any future conviction.
Recently I left public school employment and began teaching
in a private school. They did not require refingerprinting
since I hold a current credential. I suppose they can run a
check on me through my credential, but I presume they won't
get automatic updates.
I don't know if that eases your mind at all. Based on the
fact that most abusers work their way through numerous
victims before being caught, and then most are not
convicted, the system isn't very effective, but it is
better than not doing any check at all.
teacher mom
This is in response to the parent who asked a broad question
a while back about issues to be aware of (or look into) in
approaching potential schools, in light of the recent guilty
plea of sexual molestation by a former student teacher at
Mills College Elementary School (you can find articles about
it online at oaklandtribune.com).
As a teacher subsequently posted on this network, background
checks are done on potential staff who work with children,
but obviously this can go only so far, as first time
offenders-to-be are not picked up this way. I guess trying
to stay safe in this regard is a bit like trying to guess
where lightning will strike next on a mountain, so I'm not
sure if I have a good prophylactic solution. I'm sure a
molestation is the last thing any school administrator wants
to deal with.
Nevertheless, I think sharing my experience as a former
parent at the Mills Children's School may be of benefit
here. My child was in the very class the student teacher
mentioned above trained in '97. Unbeknownst to me (and some
other parents), there were several parents who had
complained about this man's objectionable behavior to
various school officials, some more than once (I've found
out about this more recently). They were left with the
impression that their complaints would be dealt with. I
knew nothing of these complaints and even allowed this
student teacher to be alone with my child to collect
information for a paper he was writing late in the semester.
Recently, I talked to one of the parents who had complained
back then and she told me she wished she had been more
persistent and vocal about it. Perhaps, she said, she could
have prevented a tragedy.
Now, obviously paranoia could have ill consequences, but I
suggest that whichever school your child attends, if you
find an official's behavior objectionable, if it rubs you
the wrong way, even if you feel it's subtle (it was not so
subtle in this case), complain about it. Follow up on your
complaint--ask what exactly was done to address your
concerns. Even though school officials generally don't want
parents to ''talk amongst themselves'', I suggest that you
compare notes with other parents. Don't assume that those
in charge will always do the right thing. Don't let anybody
make you feel guilty about honest dialogue with other parents.
anon
April 2003
Help. I need advise. I am in a nightmare that I don't know
how to get out of. I need to hear from others that may have
gone through this. I have a 1 -1/5 year old. Sometimes I
have fears about my child's father being a molester. I have
had two periods of great streess about this but in between
have felt like I was making it all up. All I have to go on is my
gut and two tiny little incidence where I left the room to take a
shower and came back to find my babies diaper off or his
overalls off and his father saying he did it himself. Feats that
have never happened in my presence before but that are not
inconcievable. That I even question him has sent me reeling
because I love this man--though obviously trust is an issue
for me. When I was a teenager I had an intuition about a
man who was molesting my sister and it ended up being
true. If I'd done something, my sister and 13 other girls
would not have been raped as well. How do I know if I'm
over reacting based on my past?
I don't know whether or not the father is molesting your son
based on the information you gave. I have spent many years
working with children who have been sexually abused, and
the repercussions of even the slightest transgression can
have a very negative lifelong impact on the child. Even a
child as young as your may have difficulty later on with
issues of sexual development, self esteem, trust, etc.
Children act out in many different ways if they are being
molested, and it may be almost impossible to tell if your
child is being molested. You may want to have your
pediatrician check your son. He/she could recommend you
to a more specialized sexual abuse treatment facility if
necessary. You may also want to work with a therapist to
help you identify some of the signs and symptoms of abuse
and help you and your son deal with the after effects of the
trauma. Lastly------if you have even the slightest suspicion,
trust your gut. This is your son's life you are risking.
jesse
First I would like to say that it was very brave of you to post
about your fears and that I’m glad for you and your son that you
chose to do so. I haven’t gone through a situation like this,
but as a child my father abused me. Through dealing with that I
have learned to take my gut instincts and fears very seriously.
They are almost always very accurate and if they aren’t I at
least know that I was trying to protect myself or others. I can
not give you very specific advice as to what to do next except
to say that your son relies on you for his safety and well being
and it is your responsibility to provide that to him. Perhaps
confront your husband and seek therapy. I hope that was at least
a bit helpful and I also hope that there are other people who
can give you advice about what to do from here.
Lump in my throat for you
I wanted to respond to your post because I can relate to your
Concerns. But first I wanted to let you know that I am very sorry
to hear about what happened to your sister and the other girls.
But you are in *no way* responsible for what happened to them!
The molester and thier caretakers are responsible! You don't know
what would have happened if you had spoken up. Children, even
teenagers, are all too often ignored when they speak up. It is the
responsibility of adults to protect children not other children.
So try to let go of this guilt.
I can relate to your fears. I was molested as a child and since I
have had my first child all these old fear I thought I'd dealt
with have come up for me. Being molested has really distorted my
perspective. I think I am more able to recognize molesters but
also suspicious of everybody. I have been worried about almost
everyone I have left my son with, my husband, other family members
and caregivers. In reality I know that not all these people are
dangerous but I still worry because I am responsible for my son's
safety. In reality, there are some real possiblities for danger
in my extended family. I talk to my friends and some trusted
family members about my fears and use them as a litmus test. If
there is any real evidence that makes me suspicious I keep my son
out of those situations. I've been thinking about re-entering
therapy to help me sort out my fears from reality. You might
consider this, too. But find a therapists who is open to
considering all possibilities. Don't see anyone who dismisses
your concerns. Good luck. You will figure it out!
Anon
I, too, come from a ''molested'' family and I, too, have problems
trusting any men including my husband. My father cheated on my
mom and molested my sister. I never knew until my sister told me
when I was about 14. So, now this experience is part of who I
am. I have read a great deal about incest and seductive fathers
and the most helpful book was by Judith Herman, I believe,
called ''father daughter incest''. Two things I remember from the
book:
1. Have your partner read a book about incest or abuse
2. Make it clear to him that if anybody, really ANYBODY touches
your child, you are going to the police. You are going to
protect your child at whatever cost
Most men think they are kind of immune because you love them and
educating them on the subject might alleviate the problem.
I don't know if you are overreacting, I hope so but keep your
eyes open.
good luck
Is this baby your partner's son? If so, isn't he changing
diapers at least on occasion? If he was going to molest I would
think he would contrive time to be alone with the baby for more
than a brief period while you are in the home. With the
understandable trauma you have experienced (wanting to protect
your sister, and feeling you weren't careful enough) I can
understand trusting men would be very difficult. If you love
this man you have to face your trust issues- something has to
change if you are afraid of leaving him alone with toddler for
even a short time. If the man is completely innocent, he
deserves to be free of suspicion, too. I don't think I would
tell him about your worries yet- it could destroy the
relationship. I would seek counseling for yourself and be very
observant, but try to control suspicion at home. I wish you a
life free from fears like this...
Anon
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