Berkeley Parents Network: Smart student miserable in middle school

Berkeley Parents Network

Smart student miserable in middle school

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > School & Preschool > Smart student miserable in middle school

Dec 2001

My son, who has always been a A-B student and has gotten along fabulously with every teacher he's ever had, is having a terrible time at King Middle School. He is in 6th grade. He will not play outside during recess (he has been going to the library instead) and does not want to invite any friends from school home. At his elementary school he had many friends and an active social life on weekends. His work is suffering, he is not turning in assignments and his latest progress report predicts that he will be getting C-Ds. He used to be quite uptight about turning in his homework when it was due, and doing it just exactly right. Now his teachers' assessment is that he doesn't care. I am at a loss. He insists there is nothing wrong, yet he is very unhappy, cries, and has asked to go back to his old school. He is a gentle boy, not into sports and generally not into rough activities, very creative. He is miserable. I don't believe King is a good fit for him, yet I do not know what alternatives there are for people who cannot afford private schools. If anyone has any suggestions or recommendations I'm open to just about anything right now. Thanks

To the Mother of the Upset Sixth Grader: All of us at King understand the difficulties that students experience as they make the transition from elementary school to middle school. As a result, we have set up many programs and resources to help our students with this. Please call me (644-6280), so we can discuss these options. If you would prefer to contact someone else, you could call Sixth Grade Vice-Principal Diana Penney (644-6389) or Counselor Jan Sells (644-8534). I know we can improve your son's situation if you give us the opportunity to help. Neil Smith, Principal

the transition to middle school is fairly major. I don't believe you mentioned if your son was in a BUSD for elementary school, but if he wasn't, then MLK could really be a shock. There are some really wonderful teachers and administrators at King, and I would start there, before seeking any outside counsel/advice. I would find out from your son if he has any teachers he feels a connection with. If he does, go talk with them regarding their advice, perspective. I'd also talk with his vice-principal, whom I believe is Diana Penny. And if you need to speak with someone else, I would make an appointment to speak with the principal, Neil Smith, whom I've personally found to be incredibly helpful and accessible. Best of luck to you and your son. Asa

There are other middle schools than King. I would try to transfer him to a smaller public middle school in Berkeley or maybe even do a transfer to an Albany school. Trisha

Sounds like one of two scenarios to me. One, it could be a bully situation. I live in Fremont and elementrary school is 1-6, junior high is 7-8 and high school is 9-12. I think there is a fundamental problem with putting 6th graders in the same environment with 8th graders, but that's how a lot of other school districts do it. I've heard a lot of complaints from parents who had to deal with this same situation. It's very hard on the kids emotionally so it's going to make the grades drop. It's a very real problem and teachers don't always notice when it's happening, especially in the larger class sizes. At least check it out to see that's not what's happening. Two, he could be lacking motivation because he IS so smart. He needs something else to stimulate his interest. He needs to see the big reward down the road. Check with the school district to see if there is any kind of program to give him more challenging subject matter(more challenging, not more work). And don't stop with just the teacher's word. Ask to speak to the principal and any school counselors about it as well. They might see something the teacher missed. I am not criticising the teacher, again, so many students in the classroom, it's easy to miss something. Marianne

In the five years that we spent at King as a family, I think that every year at Back-to-School night Principal Neil Smith would say,"If your child doesn't have someone to eat lunch or be on the yard with please let us know. They need to have someone." Have you used the resources at King? My experience there was always that I was listened to carefully and that my child's needs were addressed. Good luck. R.

I'm sorry to hear about the problems your son is having. Is it possible he is being bullied? That sounds like one possible explanation to the behavior you describe (avoidance of playground, etc.). In any case, I hope that you have talked to someone other than the teacher about this. Before you give up on King, be sure to talk to the principal Neil Smith and the school counselor Jan Sells to see what they suggest. I have found them both to be very empathetic people who really care about the welfare of every child. Whatever the solution for your son, good luck. Marilyn

To the parent with the miserable 6th grader at King Middle School. My son is also not into sports or rough stuff, preferring books and science, but he really enjoyed King. He had wonderful teachers and when he didn't, the principal, Neil Smith, was easily available to talk about making changes, which we quickly did. The garden was a particular favorite, as well as drama (the drama teacher is terrific!), so there are other places for kids to make friends besides sports. There's an afterschool drama club that could provide him with a lot of camaraderie if he's interested. Or maybe your son just needs to change classes to find a teacher he connects with and a group of kids that better fits him. The good thing about King is that it's so big, he's bound to find kindred spirits -- he may just have to look harder than he's used to doing. Being such a big place, King does demand a lot of independence and a willingness to take charge over one's own education, but that's not a bad lesson in itself. I hope something works out for your son. He may end up really enjoying school, if he works at ways to get more out of it. Good luck! Marissa

To the mother who wrote Smart student miserable in middle school: Most private schools are willing to take kids who need tuition assistance, and some have very large endowments. My son's school takes many kids whose parents cannot afford the cost. I would definitely try to move your kid out of King into a private school mid cycle. Before moving him, if might be a good to pin down what's currently wrong. Does he have a counselor, therapist or adult frient he can confide in?

My son, also not into sports, not agressive and very creative, went to Longfellow, which I think is a good choice for public middle school- its much smaller, less sports oriented, and your son might just feel more comfortable. They have also finished their rebuiding/retrofitting and have a beautiful library, gym etc. so its not a construction zone. And I think that the teaching staff overall is very good. Good luck!!

Have you looked into Longfellow Middle School? It's MUCH smaller than King and seems to be a much better "fit" for a lot of kids. My daughter went there for 7th and 8th grades (she's currently a sophomore at BHS) and had a really positive experience. I would also encourage you to continue to try and find out what is troubling your son. Perhaps he would be willing to talk more openly with a counselor, family friend, etc. L

My son (who entered 6th grade at King last year) also had a very difficult adjustment period. He refused to go to school every morning for the first 3 months, often crying. It was heartbreaking. Very similar to your son, he had always liked school before, had many friends, was a pretty good student, etc. and could not articulate the nature of the problem. The end of the story is that he found his way and now is enjoying 7th grade alot and has a stellar line up of teachers several of whom he has bonded with quite well.

In hindsight, my analysis of the problem(s) and what helped:

1) My son has always lagged in his social maturation. So when he came back after the summer, most of his friends had changed and he had not. His friends were more anxious to be independent, more interested in risk-taking activities, more interested in girls, less interested in hanging out with their families. My son was still a fifth-grader at heart, still wanted to be with us, and was terrified of the new terrain. He ended up being teased by many of his peers for various things. Solution: He eventually had to make some new friends that were more like him. The good news is that King is a big enough school that you can pretty much find friends who are like you no matter what. It took awhile to make the new friends but the confidence that that gave my son was considerable. He still doesn't invite "new" friends home, but seems to have many friends (both new and old) at school. And now as he's maturing, he's reconnecting with some of the "old" friends.

2) My son felt detached from his sixth grade teachers at King. This is not because they weren't good teachers, but because he was just one of 30 students to them. I realize that at his elementary school, all the teachers knew him, knew his brothers, his grandmother, and my husband and me. Being known in this way was an important anchor and identity for him. Without that he felt very disconnected. Solution: My husband and I reached out to his teachers, let them know my son was having a hard time (and could not articulate why). They were wonderful. Each made personal contact with him in small ways. This made a tremendous difference to him. We now know that it is something that he needs in most situations. We are trying to show him how to make these connections and build this identity on his own in new situations.

3) My son chafed under the amount of homework he suddenly had in sixth grade (as compared to fifth). He spent nearly 3-4 hours every day, alot of it in procrastination. It was brutal for him, for us, and for his siblings. Solution: Not sure we achieved one, and homework continues to be my son's major complaint about school. Neither I nor my husband feel there are many benefits to large amounts of homework, in fact we believe it is detrimental to a strong family life. But we did our best to help our son find ways to get through it with the least amount of pain possible. The good news is that he has considerably less homework in 7th grade.

Good luck to you! There's nothing as painful as watching your child suffer. Consider also contacting the Sixth Grade Vice Principal. The King administration is very sensitive to the need for kids to like school and connect socially with other kids. In hindsight, I wish I had asked them for help. They have been responsive to us in other arenas.

When my daughter was at King I failed to make use of the support system available there. Now I feel bad about it. Like you I was feeling quite overwhelmed and hopeless by this point in the year. My daughter had a different collection of problems from your son -- but I took her out to private school before really trying to solve the problems she had.

Since then I've met other parents who had more positive experiences, by being more involved and making use of programs the school has -- like the Extended Day Program and GATE classes in the Spring. One friend says her daughter had the benefit of meeting weekly with a counselor -- for no particular reason. At some point in sixth grade that option came up -- and she took it. The counselor made sure the girl stayed in touch with her options and what was available to her.

In November I went to an informational meeting (another kid headed there next year). Neil Smith said a very important thing -- "If your child is unhappy after 6 wks or 2 months...Come see Me!" I think he meant it, and if I'm in your shoes next year -- I'll do it. Good luck.

ps. If you're committed to leaving King - you might want to look into the School of the Madeleine on Sutter -- by 6th grade they often have a space or two, offer a good solid education at a price WAY below private schools...and would give your child a working knowledge of religion, without expecting him to be religious.

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