Berkeley Parents Network: Advice about Kindergarten

Berkeley Parents Network

Advice about Kindergarten

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > School & Preschool > Advice about Kindergarten

Starting Kindergarten

Questions about Kindergarten

Mom's anxiety about daughter starting kindergarten

Aug 2003

I know I'm nuts, but could any experienced parents please help me deal with my anxiety over letting my one and only child out to the brave new world of kindergarten? My daughter has been in daycare and preschool and has been adjusting well. She's healthy and generally happy. I know I should get myself together and be positive, but I have a hard time doing it. I'm worried about her making new friends, taking care of herself at lunch, speaking up in class, letting the teacher know when she needs help, etc. Two more weeks before school starts and already I feel like crying. I don't get it -- I'm sending my daughter to kindergarten, not to a jungle! Why am I soooo worried? My husband told me that I should have more faith in our daughter's ability to take care of herself. I do, but I'm just going to pieces because... Oh, because I'm just losing my mind, I guess. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thank you in advance

set up playdates with some of the other kids and parents. our school sent out a list of phone #s so we can contact each other before school starts. hillcrest kindergarten mom

Well, for what it's worth. I took the morning off of work for my son's first day of kindergarten, just to ease him into the situation. Less than half an hour after we'd arrived he'd settled in with some new friends to play and seemed a little annoyed that I was still hanging around, cramping his style. So I just left.

Starting school is a big step, but if your daughter has never had any difficulty making friends, if she has been in daycare and preschool for a while, why should it be a problem? Good luck. Dianna

I'm going to be probably the lone voice in this argument, but perhaps you _are_ sending your daughter, not to the wolves, but to a non-nurturant place. Ususally I stay completely silent on this topic, as this group is very pro-school. However, if you have doubts as you say, perhaps listening to your real self is not a bad idea.

Schools have different agendas, student-teacher ratios, and social climates than good daycare or preschool. John Taylor Gatto has written quite convincingly about the ''hidden curriculum'' in schools. Perhaps it's worth asking what you want most for your child with regard to learning. What, really, do you want her to think about how to learn, where and when to learn, what her place in the world is. Now, ask yourself, and read lots of people who have thought about these questions too. Personally, I think that most schools want students to learn that learning is what happens at school; that what is important is what they say is important (forget science if we're learning about missions now); that it's normal to hang out with people only of the same age; that ''authority'' is the end point for answers; and that fitting in is really the very most important lesson one can learn.

I'd like to recommend works by John Holt also, and I'm sure you could find other interesting work out there.

I just wouldn't do it, and I know lots of people who won't and don't. Even if you simply delay a while, why go to kindergarten at all? It's not state mandated, and there is some good evidence that delaying ''school'' until later is of real benefit for children.

So now I'll pick up my staff and wander back to crying in the wilderness. stefani

I have no experience with this, but I will add my two cents here anyway. My eldest is starting Kindergarten this Wednesday in the Berkeley Public Schools. I am anxious too so I asked my mother, who has been a elementary school special ed. teacher for 30 years, what is usually done on the first day of Kindergarten at her school.

She said that the usual routine is that there is an orientation for students, while parents listen, concerning cubbies and how they mark down that they are present, about bringing a healthy snack/lunch, and about inside voices vs. outside voices, etc. She said that Kindergarten teachers are specifically instructed to tell their parents not to cry. I am not sure how they do that and if it is done in front of the kids, but, obviously, it is a common occurance (i.e., you are not alone!).

Perhaps it would help you to know, with specificity, what is going to happen in your child's class on the first day. If possible, I would get permission to telephone the teacher and ask how ''day one'' will unfold and your role in helping with the transition. Good luck. Lynn

go ahead and cry now (in private) and do not let your daughter know about your anxieties. although she will be fine, it can be a little scary at first for all children so it is important for her not to sense your fears for her. on the day you drop her off, go ahead a cry again if necessary. it's totally normal (I cried after dropping each of my two kids - six years apart- at their first time at preschool and kindergarten -- in my car of course). some schools have coffee, tea, etc. on the first day and i'm sure there will be other parents who feel as you do there to connect with. good luck and after you've cried it out, think about how lucky you are to have this great child who has a great school and is starting to grow up... jill

How do you deal with the short day?

March 2004

How do parents and children who have had full-time daycare/preschool cope with the transition to a short kindergarten day?

Our daughter will start kindergarten in Fall 2005, when she will be 5.5 years old (Feb. birthday). Since she was six months old, she has been in daycare and now preschool from about 8:30 am to 5:30 pm 5 days per week. In fact, by the time she starts kindergarten, she will have had three years of full-time Montessori preschool. This schedule has worked out very well for our family.

We live in Albany and my understanding is that kindergarten here is only three hours per day. I'm having trouble dealing with the idea that our daughter will spend more time in some sort of before- and/or after-school program than she will in actual school. This seems like a schedule that's better suited for families with at least one parent working less than full-time outside the home. (I'm not blaming the schools, by the way -- I understand that they are short of money and that there may be other good reasons for a short kindergarten day.)

How do kids who come from full-time, fairly structured preschool do in a combination of kindergarten and before/after school programs? Some of the private schools seem to have longer kindergarten days plus on-site after-school care -- did this schedule factor into anyone's decision to choose private school over public, and if so, are you happy with that decision? Is there any reason why a shorter kindergarten day might be better even for a ''full-time'' kid?

I will greatly appreciate any thoughts on this. BTW, changing our work schedules is not an option. worried mom of a full-time preschooler

We are well into the kindergarten year at our local public school and the short day issue has been our number one problem. My daughter had been in three full days of daycare since six months old. She loves kindergarten (AM until 11:40) and her teacher. She is thriving but the afternoons are long for all of us. I decided to lower my hours to pick her up myself. It's a lot of juggling and has made it hard to meet other moms since I have always worked. The on-site daycare was not going to work out because I didn't want my tiny little kindergartner spending all of those hours with all of those big kids. Know this, the days don't get much longer because in first grade through third grade school is out at 1:50 and in fourth and fifth I think it is 3:00pm. Count on a daycare bill for many years to come and use the quality of it as a factor as well to determine if you go the public school route. HL

I'm so glad you asked this--I'm struggling with exactly the same question. (My son was born 4/00.) I spoke to someone in the before/aftercare program for our districted school and was not impressed and, like you, have reservations about my son spending more time there than in K.

My (private) daycare feeds into its private K-8 school. Two of the teachers I like have been transferred there already, and the price is the same as I'm paying now. Also, I can use my Cafeteria 125 plan to pay for the first $5k in cost. I'm strongly leaning toward doing this for K.

OTOH, I do want to support my local school district, get to know the school, have him know his future classmates, and support public school. I sure wish it were set up better for families where parents work FT outside the home. Frustrating. Jennie in Alameda

Thank you so much for your question. My daughter and I are in about the same situation (in El Cerrito) and I am looking very forward to the responses. liz

Worried about 4-y-o son's difficulty with kindergarten

Sept 2003

my son is nearly five,,, in november and has just started kingdergarten,, i know he is on the young side i am somewhat concerned about him,, the teacher has already spoken to me more than once about how he gets easily distracted,,, is brillant when he can focus,,, is very very energetic and gets overly excited,, silly in class to the point of bumping into,, or pushing other children he says he is sad alot,,, and that he does not like it,,, i know part of that is transition, and wanting to be at home with mother,,, but i worry he will be the trouble kid,,, the one that wont make the grade,, be able to say his numbers,,etc any opinions, concerned mother

Perhaps you should think about transferring your son to a preschool that goes till age 5 or 6 (sometimes called the third year of preschool). After another year in ''preschool'' either your son could go to kindergarten again OR go to first grade if he's ready. My son was born at the very end of October and was very much like your son - academically advanced but with ongoing behavior issues that really were all about immaturity. Even now, although he's not a behavior problem anymore, I can see how he's ''younger'' than many of his middle school peers (though being ''younger'' isn't necessarily bad now that he's going into his teen years!!!! Alot of kids are 13 going on 25!!). If I had to do it all over again, I would have delayed him a year in school (he actually did do the third year of preschool, but we then put him in first grade while he was still 5). We spent ALOT of time up at school, dealing with his immaturity issues (didn't excuse his behavior, just tried to make sure that it was handled in a way that realized that it was a developmental issue rather than being labeled him as ''bad''). Karen H.

My son's birthday is Oct. 29, so he was 4 when he started Kindergarten. He tested fine according to the readiness test, but as the school year went on, we found that he did enough to pass to first grade, but he was struggling to catch up to the rest of his classmates who were 5/6 years old at the start of the school year. We chose to hold him back and have him go through kindergarten again and it has made a HUGE difference. He is more outgoing, confident and is not afraid to volunteer or speak up in class -- plus he does not struggle to keep up with the rest of his classmates who are intellectually, socially and emotionally mature than him.

I made him repeat kindergarten because I did not want to set him up to struggle for the rest of his school years; and kindergarten would be the best year to hold him back before he developed an attachment to his classmates. His teacher told us that most parents would rather have their child pass to the next grade and struggle, than repeat, but mainly because parents associate their child's ''failure'' as a reflection on themselves instead of the child's academic well being. My son is in first grade now and is sailing through his lessons -- so I know I made the right decision.

I would take your son's stress, and the teacher's feedback seriously and take him out of kindergarten if possible. Enroll him in a pre-K program or a good preschool with a 5's class. Another choice, the one I had to use (when I couldn't get into a pre-K),was to plan on a 2nd year of K, then let both your son and the teacher know that, so some of the academic pressure is off. It also helps to talk with the teacher, and work together to make your son as comfortable as possible in this challenging setting if he has to stay there. He sounds too young for K, and in my experience, with twin sons who turned 5 last November, kindergarten was really stressful for the whole household. It slowly got a bit better as the year progressed, but ony now, as my sons are starting the 2nd year of K (which we insisted upon rather than going on to first), and they are moving up on 6 years old, does the K curriculum really ''fit'' their development. It has nothing to do with intelligence or language ability,or good manners etc. but much to do with social and emotional development, which comes naturally as they mature. My kids in fact were very well-behaved in class all year, but really blew off steam when they came home each day, where it was safe to do so. I recommend reading the '''Your Five Year Old'' and ''Your Six Year Old'' books on development, by Frances Ilg and Louise Bates Ames, they have good input on this. Consider if you think your son will ''catch up'' with the older kids he's in class with at some point, or if this is going to be a pattern throughout his school career, as he moves along being among the youngest. Retaining a child in a grade when they are older can be very difficult. Good luck! Carrie

My younger daughter has a November birthday & started Kindergarten at 4. She was also easily distracted, very energetic, excitable, etc. It was not a success. She had a lovely teacher who never made her feel bad about herself, and she wasn't unhappy, but at the end of the year her teacher and the principal met with me and told me she wasn't ready for first grade. I already knew that and was changing her to another school anyway, so it wasn't a big shock. She did kindergarten a second time & this time was ready. She's now in 3rd grade & may not be the best behaved kid in her class, but she's not the worst either. Does you son need to be in Kindergarten now or could he wait a year? If he does stay, it's important that his teacher *not* make him feel like a failure. If he has to repeat Kindergarten, it's not a disaster. What would be a disaster (IMHO) would be for him to be forever struggling to keep up with kids who are more mature and therefore able to handle the school environment more successfully. I feel my daughter is now with the age group that suits her. Melinda

While what you are describing as your child's stress in kindergarten could be normal, it also could be a sign that he wasn't quite ready for kindergarten. Only you can decide that. Why don't you have a frank conversation with his teacher? She can tell you how he appears compared to other children in her class. Your son is likely the youngest child in his class. My son just started kindergarten and is about to turn six. The boys especially seem to benefit from being a bit older. Also, kindergarten is much much more academic than in the past and so the trend to start kindergarteners later makes sense on that level too.

I noticed just above your question was a link for past discussions about kindergarten readiness. You might find that useful to read. It would not be the end of the world to pull him out now and wait until next year. You could check into some of the pre-k programs and see if they have any openings before making a decision. I think you could explain it to him in a way that wouldn't make him feel bad (i.e. ''Dad and I made a mistake and started you in kindergarten too early, it'd be better for you to be a year older. We want you to take your time growing up so we decided another year of playing would be best. Next year you'll be really ready and it will be just right.'') If you found a pre-k program you could make the pitch that it wasn't preschool. The teacher is your best resource. If you are really having a difficult time deciding you could try consulting Meg Zweiback. She does short term consults on issues like this all the time. Her number is (510) 836-1450. Whatever you decide I wish you luck! SW

Your son not wanting to go to Kindergarden is perfectly normal. I'll bet that at the very minimum five other kids in his class are telling their parents the same thing. As for his classroom behavior it sounds like a Kindergardener, not a child with any sort of big problem. It's up to the teacher to explain to him and the other children how to stay calm, how to use an ''inside voice'' etc. As long as he isn't struggling behind the others this is just a thing that the teacher should have no problem doing. I was always kind of shy and quiet but a lot of others in grade school were wilder and by third or second grade they were very well behaved. So DON'T WORRY! He sound just fine. Anonymas

Easing the Transition to Kindergarten

I was more worried about adjusting to the physical environment and my son missing me than anything else. To help get used to the physical aspects of the school, we went to the playground several times over the summer. The last couple of days before school we went again, and got lucky that the teachers were there setting up. They both came out and introduced themselves and met my son. It was great. He felt so ready, and comfortable on the first day - not what I expected at all. And he barely noticed that I was gone. I wasn't so worried about adjusting to a rigorous academic schedule or anything, because they really start slow in many Kindergartens...letting the kids get used to a more structured schedule, and adding responsibilities gradually.

From: Dianna

On transitioning into Kindergarten. My son did this just great, so I have no specific personal advice to give, other than visiting the school a few times before the start and playing in the playground. However, I was just reading "Real Boys," by Wm. Pollack in which he discusses the stresses and strains our culture puts on boys to be little men, suck it in, stiff upper lip and all that. He specifically addresses this problem and how boys are given a lot less slack than girls in beginning kindergarten. So if you can find a copy of this book (worthwhile in many ways) at a local library or the bookstore and lookup kindergarten, this might be of some help to you. Good luck.

From: Deborah

I was surprised by how tired my son was the first couple months of kindergarten. Even though he had been in preschool all day and was no longer napping, he seemed exhausted by 2 o'clock when he got out of kindergarten. I think the increased structure is tiring as well as the stress of a new setting. If your child will not be in after school child care, I would recommend NOT planning any after-school activities (sports/music, etc). If you have started these things, maybe take a break or move them to a weekend time slot. Then after the transition you can always fill up after school time with occasional playdates. Also, don't plan any social events on weekday nights for a while.

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