5-year-old being teased at summer camp

My confident, outgoing, socially-adept, and friendly 5-year-old son just had his first day at Cal Explorers camp. He has been so excited about it and I've been excited because I felt he would be in good hands. But today he told me he had a bad day and that he was teased quite a bit by the older kids. One episode in particular involved an older boy calling my son a name and then mocking his talkativeness. It seems that there were a few other episodes of teasing by older kids (all in one day), but I'm having trouble getting my son to talk about specifics.

What should I do? I don't want to overreact, but I've been slow to react previously (re: an abusive teacher at a preschool) and then regretted it. How can I coach my son to protect himself from or ignore teasing? And is it too soon to talk to the camp counselors, or should I give it a few days? (Of course, by the time I get a response the camps session will be nearly over.) Just trying to figure this out. Kindergarten is around the corner. anon

First of all, we want children to be able to tell their parents when they are feeling teased. Whether it is playful antics that have been misinterprted or intentionally unkind words being said, your child is expressing himself and sharing that he is upset and that is important. No child wants to go to a camp where they feel made fun of.

The next step is to talk with your child about the problem so it can be identified and understood. It sounds like he is able to tell you exactly what was happening so the next step is to help him problem solve. Ask him who he thinks he can go to at camp to help him with this. Listen to see if he names his group leader or another staff member. In a camp or school setting he will start to learn that there are other adults that can help him. If he doesn't identify someone, you may need to suggest people.

Then, if he is willing, go with him to the camp office and talk to the person he feels is best able to help him. We like to get the camper involved when they are ready so they see they have some power in problem solving. Often, parents let us know in advance so we can have the staff prepared for the discussion. If he is not yet ready for that level then absolutely you should talk with the camp. We always want to know as soon as possible when a camper does not feel safe at camp. We work to teach campers life skills which include: identifying a problem, possible solutions, and how to select the best solution and evaluate the effectiveness (Stop, Plot, Go, So).

Intervening on your son's behalf teaches him he can go to you with a problem and also be part of the solution by working with the camp staff to develop skills when another child is not being kind or friendly. We love to have parents who want to be part of our process and we always want to know as soon as possible. At school or camp the teachers and staff are there to work with you. If you are hearing that someone is being unkind, mentioning it to the teacher or staff can alert them to a potential problem. Of course children do need to learn to work out their differences but the adults around them are there to facilitate and support the problem solving, not to solve it for them. You may feel like telling the camp or school will prevent your son from learning to problem-solve on his own, but I think including the adults gives them insight into your child's perceptions of what is going on around him and will ultimately prove a richer learning experience. Wendy A.

How to support 2nd grader through teasing

I have a 2nd grader going to 3rd in the fall. this year he's started to get teased by some of the other kids in his school. I think it's likely to get worse before it gets better for him. He takes things personally sometimes when his friends don't mean to be mean, but also a few older kids have started teasing him (and others) repeatedly. He doesn't talk with me a lot about it but if I ask the right questions I can get him to open up sometimes. He's small for his age, very smart and likes being smart. he's not good at the sports they play at school but takes gymnastics and is good at that and likes to ride his bike and play frisbee. He is basically a sweet kid but slightly immature and says he feels like he is ''different'' and sometimes lonely. He gets plenty of sympathy from his dad and I as we were both teased at various times in our school year (older than grade school, though) and I think this has been a comfort to him. We have done kid-power workshops and he says at school he either walks away or tries to laugh it off as we have told him is best do, to not encourage escalation. But these strategies don't help him feel better about himself. What else can we do for him? are there books he can read to get some perspective on the teasing or to deal with it when it happens? other resources? mom of a tease-ee

Aggressive 1st grade bully - is school responding adequately?

My son is a tall, good-natured, and athletic boy who likes school and has many friends. Last year, there was a boy in his kindergarten class who was problematic and well known among all the parents to be a bully. My son had problems with this child occasionally, but I tried to be cordial to the parents when they - rarely - showed up for school events. However, their son was obnoxious enough that I specifically requested they be placed in separate classrooms this year, which they were. Last week this boy put a jump rope around my son's neck at recess. I was livid and so furious when my son told me that I got choked up when I left a message for the principal to call me at home immediately. I met with the principal the next morning who was alternately condescending (assuring me that their is a child like this boy in every grade) and sympathetic (she acknowledged that she would be upset if her child were treated in a similar manner by a classmate). She did call both parents (they are not together) and visited the first grade classrooms to discuss safe jump rope use with the children. The school policy does not allow for suspension of children younger than 9.

The parents have not approached me to apologize or assure me that they have disciplined their son. The principal, who I believe does not have a high opinion of the parents, felt no good would come of approaching them. I've informed my son's teacher that: a). this is not my son's first negative interaction with this child and he is somewhat afraid of this boy, b). my husband and I have told our son to stay away from this boy at recess and in the lunch room, and c), we would appreciate any further advice she could offer. His teacher said she would: a). inform the lunch/recess monitors of the situation, and b). talk to the bullying child herself.

My husband and I told our son that we want him to stay away from this boy, but if he must defend himself he doesn't have to worry about the repercussions. We've told him to get a teacher, aide or the principal immediately if this boy bothers him in any way. So far, he is staying away from this kid (they do have some mutual friends) and playing with other children at recess.

I may observe recess this week. Should I take any other actions to protect my child? I am still furious with this kid and his clueless parents when I think about what happened. anon

Personally, I would not be satisfied with your principal's response. Choking is a serious situation. In my daughter's case, the principal designated a person to keep the girl under observation at recess or the child spent recess inside under supervision. (The girl had physically dominated other children, too. We were told that the child could not be expelled or suspended but the principal was creating a paper trail that could lead to appropriate action.)

The first grade teachers for my daughter and this child worked to keep them apart at transitions and lunch. We (parents/teacher/principal) gave my daughter training on how to stay safe at recess. At the end of the year, we requested in writing that our daughter would not be placed in a second grade class with this child.

Read the student conduct policy for your district. Was it followed? Document everything. Send a letter to the principal describing the incident, detailing the principal's response (as I understand from our conversation on XYZ date, you will be doing XYZ because) and if needed include concern that you aren't confident your child is safe at school. Talk to your child's teacher about how the school handles these types of incidents and what she/he recommends to keep your child safe.

The principal and teachers satisfied us. But if not, we would have continued with the following: If the school did not follow District conduct policy, write the principal (copy the District Superintendent) and ask for a written explanation of why not. Keep saying that you're concerned your child is not safe.

Find out which District Administrator is responsible for student conduct & safety. Send copies of your documentation. Discuss what should/could be done in your child's case. Document this conversation by letter. Always express concern if you don't think your child will be safe at school and ask for further steps to keep your child safe.

If you get action that satisfies you, make sure everyone you've contacted is thanked in writing. Been there, too

As for the parents not approaching you - you said yourself that the parents are split up, are rarely seen at school. You don't know what happened in their home. Perhaps they DID talk to their son, or punished him in ways you can't imagine... Why do you want them to kowtow to you? SO you can get personal gratification that you are a better parent than they are?

It's great that you have focused your attention with your child on teaching him to stick up for himself by telling a teacher or by just plain old sticking up for himself... but LET IT GO! The way you are carrying on, you're kind of turning into a bully yourself. Holy Helicopter parenting!

I am not belittling your fear. Ropes, or anything, around necks are no joke, and I have been adamant about instilling that in my son since he was a toddler. But, it is not uncommon for kids not fully to understand the seriousness. I had two kids over the other day and saw one put a rope around the other's neck to help pull her on the swing. Yikes! There was nothing bullying about it, they were both having fun, but it goes to show that kids will do these incredibly dumb things because they just don't know.

I think this is one of those cases where you just have to be upset and then take care of your son in the ways you have done. There's nothing more to do. I mean, what would you suggest - ostracize the kid? Kick him out of school? Jail him? What would make you happy? He's six years old - how much punishment do you need to assuage your anger at this first-grader? His parents may be losers (which is just more bad luck for him). Don't look for satisfaction there. Your son is learning self-reliance, which can be the silver lining here.

Since you've been advised that the parents aren't receptive, here's what our school has done. 1) Son was put into a school-based anger management group. 2) School counselor observed him in class and spoke with teacher to assess behavior. 3) After another (minor) incident, he was assigned to organized play at recess times, for greater supervision and structure. Everything they've done has been geared to support his socialization and success.

I would hate to see the bully victimized rather than his behavior addressed, because it's very likely he's acting out of feelings he doesn't know how to deal with (shame, rage, terror) that may be caused by abuse/trauma somewhere in his life. -- Parent who empathizes with both children

Do not target that one kid who bullies. But if you see him bullying another child, get another adult's attention if possible, so that more than one of you is witness to it. Do not focus just on that child or you will be seen as taking retribution out on him. Do not over-react and get yourself in trouble. Do not do anything that gets you barred from volunteering atyour son's school. That would be worse. Focus on telling the kids ''what we do at school is _____.'' where possible and not, ''DON'T _____ !'' unless it is an urgent safety matter. If something happens on the playground that you experience, tell one of the staff and write up an account of it, if possible. Again, be objective, and your observations will carry far more weight. It is good you are looking out for your kid and giving hi skills to deal with challenges now. school mom

I noticed you continually make reference to the parents not being together and not showing up at school events. I think you should really try hard not make judgements about people because of their marital status. Single parents have more trouble coming to school events and that doesn't necessarily mean they are bad parents. Frankly, the best parents in the world could have a kid with poor impulse control who might act this way, so lets try to give other parents a break.

As the mother of boys, I also want to say that putting a jumprope around someone's neck is NOT OK. But it is within the range of normal. Meaning, any boy I know (if he was all hyped up and having a poor impulse control moment) might do this. They should be punished and taught not to. but I guess I am trying to say that it doesn't make this kid a monster. I know its hard to see it from that perspective when its your kid getting the rope, but if this is his first infraction, I agree with the principal that he shouldn't be suspended or expelled. Now if this behavior continues, action along these lines should be taken. anon

I don't care who his parents are and what their situation is. They are still his parents and expecting them to do the right thing is completely appropriate. I completely understand that it's a bad situation for them too and i don't think their child should be made into a monster. However, if they don't contact you at least through the school, then their son will never learn to do the right thing. We all mess u pand have issues and we would all do better to learn to deal with them.

At my son's school, in the rare occasion this has happened, the teacher and principal meet with each parents separately then everyone together. This not only helps calm things down between the parents but more imporantly it shows both kids, that there is something good that can come out of a situation like this.

Conflict resolution is an important part of being an adult and you doesn't get magically learned at 18. If iwere you i would insist on a meeting, not to judge or yell at his parents, but to help figure out a solution. If raising kids takes a village, you really have to involve the whole village! anon

I disagree with some of the other posters, however. I remember being quite unhappy at times when adult supervision was inadequate. I didn't know how to solve these kinds of big social problems on my own and they just got worse and worse. I always felt better on the occasions when my single mom had the time to help me out.

Just because our parents were less involved and we lived through it doesn't mean it was the best way to grow up. I mean, infant car seats are good innovations, too. Not all cultural change is bad! Anon

I think you did the right thing by informing his principal and teacher - it makes sense to keep an eye on the situation and make sure it doesn't turn into a pattern of bullying and intimidation. But I don't think there's much more you and/or the school can or should be doing. And I'm sure you want your son to develop into a healthy, strong person who is comfortable negotiating with others and capable of dealing with hard situations. How is he going to learn to do that if you don't let him? It sounds like you have discussed with him the various ways he might react next time - great! Now stand back and trust him to handle his own life a little bit.

Also, give yourself a break! You sound like you're stewing about a bunch of things you can't control - like whether and how this other kid's parents punish him. I know it's hard, but let go of that, if you can. Take yourself out for ice cream instead. Kids can handle more than we think they can

Daughter in 5th grade being bullied/excluded

kind of a crummy few months for the 10 year old 5th grader; she's been drifting away from her little peer group but has some other friends as well. This original core group has gone from being passive to actively excluding her; her attitude is one of 'i want to be nice to everybody, but they aren't my friends anymore' and she has deepened some of her previous more casual friendships. The little core group has responded, with varying degrees of success, by trying to co-opt these newer friends, eg, ''if you are friends with her (my daughter), you can't be friends with us'', making life lonesome for my daughter.

she is managing with surprising dignity, and enjoys the friendships she has outside of school, classes, etc and really likes her teacher this year who seems to be oblivious to the whole thing. Any suggestions for how i can support her in this difficult time? i'd like to poison their peanut butter

First grade girls' exclusion and name-calling

When does bad manners in 1st grade girls cross the line into bullying or relational aggression? My 6-yo 1st grader (whom adults say is friendly and likable) is reporting interactions such as (a) being intentionally ignored, (b) being called a ''cry-baby'', (c) being allowed to play only if she assumes an assigned role, (d) being told to ''go away'' or get to the back of the line, and (e) being deliberately told that she was not invited to a birthday party. These behaviors are coming from girls she considers ''friends''. It's a small school, so friendship opportunities are limited, and my daughter is unhappy that she has no friends (in her words.)

What can I do to help my daughter, who is somewhat shy and sensitive to begin with? We've tried playdates, birthday party invitations, park meetups, etc., but the situation hasn't improved, and she has not received many reciprocal invitations.

What can the school do to help my daughter and make it a safer, happier place in general? For various reasons, we don't want to change schools, and the teacher, at least, seems willing to work with us.

Thanks for any ideas. Don't Know What to Do

So, specific techniques...kill with kindess and attract flies with honey. Everyone's favorite topic is 'yours truly.' So, work with her on conversation and interest.

My younger is on her way to getting elected prom-queen. She is five. She has that interesting and interested personality. She loves to draw people out -- her questions are not very sophisticated, but she always wants to know how many siblings a child has, what their grandmother's name is...and she compliments up the wazoo...every conversation starts with how much she likes some article of clothing or piece of jewelry that another person is wearing. She will literally stop someone in the street to tell them how beautiful they are or ask about how they do their hair...

In contrast, my elder (7) is reserved. She doesn't have a best friend, though has many with whom she is friendly. But, I am much more watchful of her. She is a dear and kind person, but I am afraid that she will get pushed around or bullied in the future. It happened in kindergarten. The good news is that the bully was my best-friends daughter, so we were able to have an awful and uncomfortable conversation without recrimination. There were a few tense months, but we got through it and our daughters two-years on are very supportive of each other, though not best friends. -anon

5-year-old's ''best friend'' is a bully

My 5-year-old son is a high-energy, very verbal and outgoing kid. He likes to be physical, wrestle, play sports, etc. The style of play can involve a lot of chasing and wrestling, but it's not out of control and the kids with whom he plays know the limits - with one exception. I'll call him X. X regularly instigates both physical roughness against kids who DO NOT want to play rough, and verbal meanness and belittling talk towards some children. Unfortunately, our son reveres this child and considers him his best friend. X speaks with authority about all possible topics, and our son believes every word. Lately X has been encouraging our son to engage in rough or disrespectful behavior towards others. Moreover, when X is mean to him (deciding that they're not friends that day, telling him he's stupid, etc.) his feelings get very hurt. This occurs on a regular basis. I ask him why he would want to be friends with someone who isn't kind to him, and I encourage him to play with others - but to no avail. He values this child's opinions above all else, wants to like the same things, wear the same clothes, etc. It eats me up inside when I hear him say that tomorrow he can't wait to somehow be X's friend again. We have had after-school play dates with lots of children, but other moms have told me that when those children try to play with our son at school, X gets between them and prevents it. I am deeply worried about this, and at a loss as to how to best help my son. We want him to respect others, to be able to stand up and object when he sees that something isn't right, and also to respect himself, to have the self-esteem to not want someone who doesn't treat him with kindness. Should I be worried that this is setting an example for future relationships? I feel like I should be able to do more to help him with this, but I don't know what to do. Worried mom

I am also wondering if there is something going on with X (recent parental divorce/other traumatic event). Have you talked to X about this behavior? Perhaps if you told X that if X wants to play with your son, then that behavior will not be tolerated, that might get your somewhere; at the least, your son will see you modeling behavior that you would like him to grow into. good luck!

I agonized over this relationship as I saw the gulf widen between my perception of it and my son's perception of it. I wondered if I was imagining things to be worse than they were. It wasn't until teachers recommended complete separation after school hours and noted that my son seemed to be trying to escape the relationship, and then subsequent remarks from parents about the other child cordoning off my son from other kids and even spontaneous remarks from other kids being ''mean'' to my son that I decided to separate them as much as possible.

Here's what we do: First, I never belittle the other child to my son and definitely don't try to make the other child appear like someone to be shunned.

Second, we no longer have playdates. I did try talking to the other child's parent after he slugged my son and chased him around the afterschool classroom (!) but to little benefit as he is apparently a different person around his parents than when they're not around. And understandably, even the most empathetic parent is going to have trouble hearing their child is engaging in antisocial behavior. They might not even recognize that what appears to be benign behavior, such as apparent great affection toward or devotion to your son, can quickly turn to bullying and manipulative isolation. So try talking to the parents, but don't assume they'll hear your side (easily).

I did suggest to the other parent that each of our sons develops new friendships and we're working actively at this. (And my understanding is the other family is doing the same.) I'd really recommend being proactive about this as other kids were already getting the ''message'' from the other child that my son was someone they weren't ''allowed'' to play with. That alone gave me pangs of sadness for my son, who is very gregarious. So dilute the impact of the bully's control of your son by making contact yourself with other parents who live nearby and getting to know other kids. If you can afford it, find an after-school class outside your school catchment area for your son. Encourage friendships with girls as well as boys. Show your son what constructive, nurturing friendships are like.

Finally, we also put our collective foot down on any exclusionary behavior from our son with any child, such as declaring so-and-so is not our friend or making statements to other kids like ''we don't like so-and-so, do we?'' We reminded our son that this behavior is not nice, that it hurts people's feelings and that it does not nurture friendships, even with collaborators. This behavior was unfortunately somewhat familiar to him from preschool, and it does seem like something much younger kids gravitate toward to solve conflicts or express their frustration. This unfortunately means they do still spend time together on that schoolyard but I feel insisting they are separated completely would be worse.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by reaching out for advice and I really hope this helps. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know that it will take effort on your part to guide your son to better relationships. You are among his best role models. Hopefully you'll get a lot of helpful responses. (And if any replies are of the ''toughen up and leave him alone'' variety, ignore them!) Feel your pain

1st grade bully with germ phobia

I need some advice. My daughter is in first grade and one of her classmates seems to bully her. I have volunteered in in the classroom on several oocasions and have noted that the girl does seem to try to push my daughters buttons. she also does not stop when I point out her behavior At first I though she was just a ''brat'' but after further observation I have found the little girl is a bully. she is also afraid of catching a disease, she is fearful of germs and afraid she can get sick by thinking about it, washes her hands several times a day and seems to get easily upset if she doesn't get her way. I wonder if all of this is related. I tried talking to the mom who became very defensive. The 6 yr old is a twin and her sister is not a bully or germ phobic, she has plenty of friends. I do not want to be an alarmist but.... How do I talk with the mom? I have talked with the teacher who acknowledges there are issues but what can she do? I think I may be seeing things that a parent will try to ignore and I maight be the same if it were my child but.... is there a way to help or should I just forget about it call the kid a brat and make sure that my child doesn't interact with her?

If I were you, I would not try to approach the girl's mother again, but work with the teacher to find solutions. Teachers can have an impact on bullying behavior. You can also talk with your daughter about ways she can deal with it. There are probably good web sites and books on the topic. Anon

It is very likely that this mom has not figured-out what to do to help her troubled child. It is possible that this troubled child needs psychiatric counseling, medical intervention, or other help. The sooner effective help is provided to this troubled child, the more likely this child will have a happier life.

More important: Whatever problems this troubled child may have, your job is to protect your child NOW before your child is also in need of psychiatric counseling. Mother of a child who was bullied

You can't make the environment around your daughter an annoyance- free zone, nor should you try to. There are going to be irritating people everywhere she goes, for the rest of her life. I would work on helping your daughter deal with people who bother her rather than trying to "fix" them for her. This little girl can be an important part of your child's learning process. Please try to look at it that way. ------------------------------------------ I think talking to the teacher is good, which you've done... And, most importantly, teach your daughter. This will not be the first ''bully'' she encounters, unfortunately. Look into Kidpower, etc. Bullies identify their prey for a reason, and my sense from your post is that you are intervening a lot. I respect that you are protecting your daughter but give her the tools. Also, I'm very anti-labeling, and while the other girl may have some issues, etc... be sensitive to judgment and labeling. Their family may have some tough stuff going on, etc. teach your daughter

So kind of you to notice and be concerned... However, unless you know that child's parents well, I would suggest you not talk to the mom about it. (Unless you can think of a really non-threatening way to approach the parent?) It is a very sensitive issue, and many parents get hyper- protective (obviously!) about their kids, and may react defensively, feeling that they are being judged as parents, etc. Or they might just be scared, and having a hard time facing a potential problem.

The teacher, I think, IS an appropriate person to share her observations with the parents - not make ''guesses'' about what ''It'' is, but to just describe the child's behaviors, how they affect the child (as well as other children) in the classroom, and to express her concern for the child's well-being. She could ask the parents if her descriptions match what they see at home, if they'd like the school to recommend a counselor, or if she can support them in some other way. I'm not sure if it would be appropriate or not to ask about or suggest a Dr's involvement. (I'm trying to think how I'd've felt... I was the proactive one in our case; the teachers were too inexperienced to recognize a problem, and the other parents just thought our kid was ''the bad kid.''

A good child therapist, an excellent child psychiatrist, some (seriously monitored) medication, a better school and one year later, my child is a different, MUCH happier kid! (And we are MUCH happier parents!) I hope this kid (and parents) get the help it sounds like they (MAY! need. anon

Honestly, if I were this little girl's Mom -- and I say this, knowing that you mean well -- I would have little to no interest in your opinions on my child and your perception of their problems. Would you go up to the parent of a significantly autistic child and tell the parent that the child can't talk? Well, you may be dealing with a similar issue here. This child could have integration issues (frequently mistaken by well meaning parents at 'bullying'), she may have OCD (the germ phobia was the way my own grandmother's mental illnesses, including OCD, manifested itself)...I am sure that Mother has a pretty good idea that her child is different and is probably working on these issues.

The best piece of advice that I ever got was, 'don't judge another mother and her children, because you don't know what they are going through and the Mom is probably doing the best that she can. just another Mom

No need to expose your daughter to this girl, but please try to remember that this young child may very well not be a brat, but instead a very anxious child who needs help learning to manage her emotions. Liz

My child keeps getting hurt

Does anyone have any input on what they consider appropriate physical behavior in school? I'm concerned over the basic safety of my child while he's in the care of his school. My child has been kicked, hit, choked, shoved, and bonked in the head. This is not a bully situation, just that my child seems to be on the receiving end of wild behavior, of which happens both in and out of the classroom.

Are there any other parents out there that have concerns about the safety of their children during school hours? I'm interested in hearing from other parents and what you all consider appropriate (normal) physical behavior at school.

Please don't suggest I talk to the school, as I have. And they would like me to believe that all this is ''normal'' behavior. anon

Yes, some (a lot) of physicality is normal kid behavior. Rough-housing is going to happen. But our kids shouldn't be coming home as bruised and battered as they often do. At our particular school, I have observed the recess times and noticed that the staff is often engaged in personal conversation, coffee-drinking, ''on-break'' action... failing to realize (in my opinion) that they are supposed to be ''ON''... perhaps more ''on'' than at any other time of day.

Many parents at our school have noticed this. Many of us have suggested that they increase the number of staff supervising recess times. The school has continued to tell all of us that it is all ''normal'' and that the school has at least as many staff supervising as all of the other schools in the area.

So I don't have an answer for you. I am pretty much letting you know that the situation is the same in other places... at least one other place! It does seem to come in waves, which is probably developmental.

Best of luck to you and your child. anon

Bullying - 5th grade girls

My fifth grade daughter is complaining about bullying. She has always had a lot of friends and still does although she is not interested in the hanging out and chatting girls do. She still prefers to run and play. She is strong academically and physically and doesn't have a shy or quiet personality. There is another girl in her school that somehow seems to feel the need to assert her dominance in their grade and the way she is choosing to do it is by getting a gang of kids, a mix of boys and girls, to target my daughter. She has been ribbing her and just generally goading her and being snide. My daughter has been holding it together at school but she doesn't know what to make of it or how to deal with it. She doesn't feel like her teacher is equipped to be helpful and, frankly, in this case I agree. She is sad. From what I know of this girl's parents I don't want to call them. They seem like the bullying type themselves. Very strong, sort of overly confident types. My daughter has tried just telling this girl to cut it out. She has attempted to say things like ''good job'' at P.E. She doesn't want to back down but I see how eaten up she is. I know bullying is a part of these years but it is new to us and we aren't sure how to help her. Confused Mama & want to help

My advice would be to go the the principal, if the teacher cannot help. A friend of mine in a similar situation took this course with much success. You can try to finesse it a little so the teacher's feathers are not ruffled, and ask the principal's assistance in this. But I think getting an on-site adult involved that will be effective is key. Kids really benefit from adult allies in these situations. What always helped my girl most was knowing that she had someone in authority on her side and that the school explicitly took a position that bullying is just not okay. She felt supported hearing this message clearly, even if the other child did not recant and/or stop immediately.

Also, are there any other parents you could talk with so that maybe you could go into the principal with another parent or two and make it a class wide agenda item to tackle the bullying problem in your class. Ideally the goal would be to cultivate a shared and consistent message that BULLYING IS NOT OKAY.

Lastly, keep an open heart toward the child who is doing this. It never helps to close your heart, esp. to a kid who is troubled. To my mind, she must have something hurting inside or hurtful stuff would not be coming out of her. She is worse off than your girl in many ways, because by being hurtful to others she is doing damage to herself that will be hard to repair. I hope this helps. These things are not easy. You and your girl have my best wishes. Lisa

It's not only for the sake of your daughter but also for the girl who is bulling your daughter. She needs to know that is not acceptable at all under any circumstances. I understand the teacher and the other child's parents may not be helpful but your daughter has the right to get an education in a SAFE environment. Your daughter deserves fighting - even if you have to call the head of the school- go up the latter until you get a resolution. http://www.education.com/topic/school-bullying-teasing/ http://ag.ca.gov/publications/safeschool.pdf#xml=http://search.doj.ca.gov:8004/AGSearch/isysquery/2dab5e9e-8536-4e6e-a93f-69df230e95fd/1/hilite/

Bullying should NOT be apart of childhood school years. This is a myth!!!! You don't have to shove a person into a locker just to make a point. Get your hands on the policy of the school. It has to have something in there about such things. If it doesn't get a ''No Bully'' policy enacted in the school with appropriate consequences. In the end... zero action means the adults in the situation are enabling the bullying to continue. The two sites included are very good for advice. I worked at the Attorney General's for a program called ''Safe from the Start'' we addressed bullying and other types of school crimes. Please email me if you want more information. Z

Another time (another daughter) my daughter was being verbally abused at school and I just went in to ''observe'' in the classroom and just gave a few very stern looks to the two boys doing it, and it stopped, never said anything to the boys, but they got the message that I was looking out for my daughter.

I have three daughters and believe me these issues come up regularly. You have to stick up for your daughter. My oldest is in college now and all three of my daughters are strong and have good self-esteem. Mama Bear

I ran into it while making a purchase, and I watched the first couple of segments before moving on, but it looked pretty good so far. If nothing else, you coudl watch it with your daughter and have a discussion about what you think about how the main character (Chrissa) responded to the bullying. I haven't been closely observing 5th grade behavior for a while, but the examples in the movie seemed a little unbelievable to me (i.e., it just started from nowhere and was just plain mean-most of what I have observed comes from someplace more understandable if still regrettable or reprehensible, and this girl with a close family doesn't think to talk to them about it, but I guess that's necessary to set up the problem that needs to be solved). But maybe that's more true to life and I'm just unaware of it. I got bullied a bit as a 7th grader, and it inadvertently taught me that my bully was chicken (I showed up at the place where she told me she would beat me up, and I was the only one there.) I also didn't intervene as a 4th/5th grader when some kids were bullying another girl --she wasn't a very nice kid, which adds a little complexity to the equation (not that I'm proud that I didn't know how to step in)--and since some of the ''bullying'' I've observed has also involved the kid who thinks he or she is ''bullied'' actually bullying other kids, it's worth checking out your own child's culpability. Supposedly the Chrissa movie also deals with standing up for other kids too. (I think you can also get the DVD directly from American girl, rather than watching it in 9 or 10 segments of 10 minutes each.)

Is my 2nd grader being bullied?

Either my child is being bullied or it's normal boy stuff, with my son being very sensitive (which he is). I'm not sure how to decide. My son is in 2nd grade, tall, somewhat awkward, and highly social and empathetic. He cries easily. Probably an easy kid to bully. He gets on well with most of the kids in his class. This year, there's been a kid I'll call Bob in my son's circle of friends. Bob is at least a head shorter than my son, and highly athletic. Lately I've been hearing an awful lot about Bob. About half the time Bob is a friend. But the other half of the time there is some kind of problem.

Earlier this year my son gave Bob a couple of small toys, because Bob wanted them. I didn't mind that, but shortly after that I began to hear stories about Bob making fun of my son. We bought a couple of ''cool'' cartoon T-shirts. My son was really excited about them, but the first time he wore one, Bob made fun of it, and the shirts have been in the drawer, unworn, since. Lately my son's lunch has been coming home, uneaten, because Bob thinks it's yucky and announces it to the whole table. This is stuff my son loves and specifically asks for. I don't care so much that my son doesn't eat, but it bothers me that he kowtows to this kid, and I don't even think that will solve the problem. My son says he tries not to sit by Bob, but that Bob specifically comes and sits by him.

Last night my son started crying, and told me that Bob had been ''accidentally'' bumping into him and hitting him in the crotch. He says it's not hard enough to really hurt, but that Bob does it on purpose, that Bob thinks it's funny, and that it really bothers my son. I'm pretty sure I actually saw this happen once, after school, when I was picking my son up from his aftercare program -- so I don't think my son is making it all up. Apparently, all of this happens at times when his teacher (very competent) is not around -- the lunchroom, the playground, waiting in line.

My son does not want to tell his teacher about it (and doesn't want me to) because he's afraid he'd get Bob in big trouble, and then the rest of his friends wouldn't like him because he tattled on Bob. My husband thinks we should just ride out the year (about a month now) and see what happens next year. But I'm worried about just leaving it. I've been seeing stress symptoms in my son: headaches, after-dinner meltdowns, clinginess. Any suggestions? Anonymous

If your son's main concern is how he will look amongst his ''friends'', you should tell him that his friends most likely have been ''bullied'' by Bob and most likely would like to have it stopped too. And if his friends stop being his friend for tattling on Bob, then they are not really friends to have anyhow. If your son is not being respected by the so-called friends then it's time to find some who will respect his feelings and thoughts. Bullies need to be confronted.

Bullying can leave lifetime scars. (I know from personal experience.) Your son needs help now, and he needs to know his parents will stand behind him and do whatever it takes to relieve this situation. There have been many studies on the harmful effects of bullying, and most schools are instituting formal programs to deal with it. If your school doesn't, you should take your child out of that school.

Today, I would be far better off if my parents had taken me out of school and the bullying situation, even if I sat at home all those years and learned nothing. Please tell the teachers now and make sure they take action, even if your son is so terrified of ''Bob'' that he is unwilling to ask for help. This really matters, and will make a difference in the rest of your son's life.

I never got the support, well, the words I wanted to hear from my parents. I wanted to hear: ''Go get 'em son. Don't take that guff from them. Fight back.'' I tried everything else, talking it out, ignoring it, talking to teachers. But I never fought back. I became a magnet for bullying.

I think you should pursue all avenues before telling your son to defend himself, but if after trying everything else, your son should warn his nemesis, and if it continues, fight back. Fight back hard. This kid is NOT your son's friend. Bullies usually give up when their target refuses to take it anymore. Your son might get more hurt if he fights back. But if he learns to take it and suffer through it, he will not only be hurt physically, it will scar him emotionally for a long, long time.

I turned out pretty much OK, I have a great family, job, etc etc. But when I see a kid getting bullied, even if it's on a TV show or movie, it really hurts. I feel it all over again, and it makes me sick. Wishing I had fought back

I can understand your son not wanting to be seen by his friends as a tattletale -- I felt the same way -- so you'll need to navigate this carefully to be sensitive of those feelings. A reasonable first step is probably to talk to the teacher and ask if she can keep her eyes open for these kinds of problem behaviors, letting her know that your son doesn't want to be seen as a tattletale. As for your husband's idea of letting things blow over since there's just a month of school left, to me that makes sense only if Bob is not going to be in the class again next year. Good luck

In this situation, your son is suffering with no protection at school. If the adminstration (teacher and principal) are made aware of this situation and take effective action, you will be helping your son as well as this child's other present and future victims. It is possible that some type of intervention could also be of help to the bully himself, as he may be being victimized outside of the school setting or have some emotional/psychiatric problems which are going unaddressed.

Another point is that your son needs to know that you and his father will try to protect him. He's only in second grade. Of course you don't want to make a federal case out of every hangnail, but he is not able to handle this effectively on his own and you also don't want him to learn the lesson that he shouldn't ask for help or that asking for help doesn't help. Children generalize and they won't always generalize in the ways that make sense to adults.

The fact that your son is sensitive and cries easily may have made him an appealing target for the bully in this situation b/c it helps the bully feel powerful and effective, but it doesn't change the fact that your son legitimately needs assistance from the adults in this situation. It doesn't make the other child's behavior less bully-like. Best of luck to you and your family in resolving this unpleasant situation. Ilene

The first thing you should do is tell the teacher. Also explain that your son is scared because he feels there will be reprocusions for telling. I also think while you are telling the teacher that you request your son isn't in the same class with this child next year. Even if you don't tell the teacher about the bullying (but I hope you do,) request a different class than this child. Teachers deal with this stuff all the time, they know what they are doing.

The power the bully has is that he gets away with it. I think your son's friends would be happy if the bully would stop too, but are also scared that they will be the next target. There are a bunch of books on Amazon about bullying. You can roll play with your child different tactics, and these skills will help your child the rest of his life. It will give him self confidence too. Telling isn't the only option. He can make it into a joke. He can yell ''stop bumping into my crotch, ASSHOLE!'' Sorry, at this age I would use the swear word, but you get my drift. He can walk away. He can say ''That's mean'' or ''I like eating seaweed, what do you have in your lunch?'' or ''You are a bully''. Explain to your kid also that no one gets to touch his private parts but him, a doctor with your consent or a parent with his consent.

A really good book for girl bullying (it's a picture book for kids) is Secret Bully. Although I have both a boy and a girl, my son hasn't needed this coaching yet. Most kids need the coaching. He is a good kid even if he is sensitive. Please don't let your child feel like he is a victum. The bullying gets much worse in the older grades. Personally I would want to know if my kid was bullying another kid, but from my obervations, most parents don't want to hear it. I guess I'm rather passionate about this. Hope this helps even a little

Explain to your son that you have to take action--if not just for him but for others in his classroom. If the boy who is being mean sees he can get away with it, then he will be mean to other kids and not just your son.

Practice scenarios with your son to help him respond t bullying. He can say ''Stop that! I don't like it,'' or whatever will work for him, including walking away. My son ended up using humor because that worked with his personality and the bullying stopped that year. There are loads of websites that give suggestions.

Meet with his teacher and document what was said and what the next steps are. The way my son's teacher handled it was to talk about bullying generally as a first step without naming names. That helped enormously.

Please do not let the teacher have the two boys meet to ''talk it out''. Studies show that bully/victim meetings are not effective. The power is all one-sided.

Good luck. No more bullying

I also attended a ''KidPower'' workshop with my son and we liked it very much. It was very helpful with providing assertive techniques for young children to deal with bullying.

Don't sit back and let this happen - contact the school immediately. Bullying is not OK - and it is not OK for your son to be feeling bad about himself. Wish there were no bullies....

A number of other respondents said that one should go to the director of the school if the teacher isn't responding. That is true, but in our experience, it doesn't really matter what the administration says about bullying when they talk to parents. In the end it's all up to the individual teacher to create a culture in the classroom.

My son was bullied quite badly during his kindergarten year at Park Day School in Oakland (bitten while standing in line at the water fountain, kicked while waiting in line to go into class, etc). When I asked his teacher about what was going on, his teacher told me, ''This is kindergarten. This is first grade.'' She did not expect anything different. The administration was much more optimistic, but they did not act. I noticed that another poster mentioned that their child was bullied during his kindergarten year at Park Day, and that they left the school, as we also did. My only regret is that we did not leave immediately. All a child needs at that age is to be safe. Forget the hopes and dreams you brought to the school, and place your kid somewhere where he feels safe. another mom

7-year-old's crush on the neighborhood bully

My 7 year old son plays outside in the neighborhood with 3 other boys aged 5, 6, and 11. He recently told me the 4 of them planned to ring the doorbell and then run away at the house of a neighbor. My son backed out of doing this prank at the last minute so the 10 year old held his arms up and told the 5 & 6 year olds to hit him in the stomach, which they did repeatedly. After this my son kept playing with the boys and then later blamed the episode on the younger kids saying that the 11 year old (whom he worships) was 'just joking' and didn't mean to hurt him. The 11 year old has had some behavior problems at school and his parents are in denial/ ineffective disciplinarians. The parents of the other boys are much more 'hands off' than I am and let their kids roam unsupervised.

I am not sure what to do about this situation. My son always wants to play outside with the other boys and idolizes the 11 year old. I spoke privately to both the 11 year old and the 6 year old about their bullying behavior but have not told their parents mostly because they would become upset with me and then nothing would really change. I did tell the older boy that I'd tell his father if it happened again. When the kids play near me I am constantly intervening and stopping behaviors such as poking each other with long sticks, teasing, destroying toys, and other aggressive play. Of course this just drives the group into someone else's yard. It is hard to set limits for my child on where he can go since the other boys are free to roam where they please. I've praised my son for paying attention to how comfortable he feels doing something and told him that he should leave if the boys are doing something he is not comfortable with. He is very peer oriented (not very independent) and I know this will be very hard for him. I also signed us up for a Kidpower class. I'd like my son to understand that the boy he is idolizing is manipulating him and creating competition/exclusion in the group by playing him off against the other boys. We've talked about the dynamic but playing with this older boy is just so exciting for my son that he doesn't care. So now do I just let my son get beat up and figure this out for himself? Is my talking to the kids and then not going to their parents sending a wierd message to the boys? Any advice on how to handle this? thanks for your opinion

Next, no. Don't let kids beat on your son. He's 7. He may not be able to fully grasp that he's being manipulated. He may be angry with you for taking away his hero, but he really should be playing with his peers. 11 and 7 are vastly different, especially if the 11yo pulls power trips, gets kids into mischief they wouldn't otherwise get into, and importantly, is violent with them. I would not let the 11yo play with my child again.

Many people say ''boys will be boys''. I say it's time to stop colluding with minor acts of violence, thus saying they're okay. It's time to set limits. Stop worrying about neighbors being upset with you and instead, protect your kid; that's your job.

Bullying & "mean girls" - private vs. public

Of all of the many factors involved in choosing a kindergarten for my daughter, one of the most surprising to me is the fact that parents complain about teasing, bullying, mean girls, etc. far more often at private schools than at public (on websites, etc.), especially at these wonderfully progressive small schools than speak to respect for all, etc.! Is it just that a school's small size makes it a bit intense, especially for girls?

As a product of large public schools myself, I am attracted to the small class sizes of private schools, etc., but wonder if the negatives of being stuck in the same class with the same mean girls for 6 years outweighs the benefits. Obviously, teasing and great educational opportunities occur in both public and private settings, and I would just love to hear your experiences with this issue, public or private. bpn fan

After our third daughter went through kindergarten, we switched to public and have been thrilled! Kindness and inclusion are discussed daily (not just when a problem arises), and the kids really are part of a community of caring and supportive peers. There is also huge diversity in public, and my girls are learning to accept and honor all kinds of people.

If I could do it over again, I would never choose private over public. Instead, I would choose public, and if any problems arose or if it was not a good fit, I could then switch to private. I feel that I did my girls a huge disservice--academically, socially, and morally--by sending them to a rich private school that in the end was a huge disappointment. Happy public school family!

Regarding the social mix - Prospect Sierra places a big emphasis on social issues - kindness, respect, compassion, problem solving, open-mindedness and community. The teachers and staff have always been willing and able to get involved on an individual, grade or school level to work on any issues that may come up. I have found the parent body to be interested, active and involved in the social dynamic - all in a good way. The kids learn methods of problem solving and social interaction. It is even woven into the academic part of the curriculum. Sometimes, fourth graders, for example, will read the writing of younger kids and give feedback and suggestions on their work - learning to give positive examples and support.

So...our experience has not been one of ''mean girls'' at all. It is not to say that social issues, typical for the age, have not arisen. It just doesn't seem out of the ordinary and, in fact, there are the resources and willingness on part of the larger school community to work with the kids about positive social interaction. Public school is likely to have a broader range of kids and different types of issues but I would be hesitant to say that one, public or private, is likely to vary that much. 4th grade mom

I heard from many friends with kids in public school (in North Berkeley and Piedmont) that the physical bullying that was tolerated in my child's progressive private school would never have been allowed to continue in their schools; letters would be sent home, the principal would be meeting with families, etc. We were at a progressive private school that has received a lot of attention for its program of peace and mindfulness in the classroom. The teacher who runs that program is amazing, but the kids were unbelievably cruel. While I think public schools often feel more accountable in terms of bullying, and are more ready to use traditional techniques to curb it, it's not really a question of private versus public; it's more whether the individual school responds swiftly and effectively to incidents that come to their attention.

The school has a very strict policy against bullying or teasing of any kind. Students often work together in groups on different projects and the teachers are in tentional in mixing up students over time (eg in seating arrangements) and in projects to achieve a cohesive student body in each class. They have to rely on each other to get performances and projects done so they are more focused on getting along than their differences. I can see from my kids that they appreciate the strengths that each student brings to the class and appreciate them. I encourage you to explore St. Paul's where respect and citizenship guides everyone, in addition to its excellent academics, spirituality and nationally recognized service learning program.

When you're touring the schools, ask what kind of training the staff and volunteers have had regarding intervention. Ask exactly how the children are taught to care for each other. Ask for specific examples of real incidents and how they were dealt with at the time. Speak directly with the principal/director. Spend time watching the kids on the playgrounds.

As a parent of a boy in a small Berkeley public school, I can tell you that when an incident occurs, it's dealt with as instantly as is possible. Messages come home from the principal and the teachers, the offending child/ren write apology notes, it's discussed [in general terms, so as to better work on solutions] at the weekly community meeting, in the newsletter and in the PTA meetings... things are taken very seriously. It does seem to help that the school is small, as most of the kids and families know each other. [just last community meeting, in fact, four 5th graders were called up and applauded by the whole school because they stood up for a classmate who was being teased.]

From my perspective as a parent who is frequently at the school, that kind of attitude sends a very important message to kids and families - that not only is negative behavior not going to be tolerated, it's also totally uncool. --anon

Second, and I believe more important, is to what degree the teacher is on top of classroom dynamics, and willing to step in before there's a big problem. The kindergarten teacher wasn't; the other teachers have been. Based on my experience thus far, the most important factor in a small child's school experience is the specific teacher-kid-class interaction. More important than public/private, school API, curriculum, whatever. My biggest problem with some smaller private schools is that you only have one teacher per grade. If that teacher doesn't work for your kid, there isn't much you can do at that point. Karen

Helping 6-year-old recover from a year of bullying

My 6-year old son was bullied at a private school in North Oakland throughout his kindergarten year. He was kicked, hit and bitten, but what I think is even more damaging is that there was a group of kids in his class that said incredibly mean things in order to exclude him. We are switching schools, but what I'm worried about is that he has really lost his trust and confidence in new social situations. Since the end of school, there's been a pretty miraculous change in his mood and he's begun to recover his old optimism, excitement and confidence, but I've noticed that in new social situations the wounds are really apparent. He no longer has his old confidence and friendliness, and sometimes he withdraws or puts up his defenses because he no longer assumes good intentions when kids approach him.

Has anyone else had experience in helping a kid recover from bullying? What was best to help them recover confidence in the world and in their physical environment? Are there certain kinds of activities that help? What could help a child who has been through this as they go through a transition to a new school? I'd be grateful for any advice. worried mom

What did we do? Over the course of a YEAR, we talked about it once in a while. We talked about bullying in general, sometimes in particular. It was a great lesson in the sense that it made him appreciate how damaging bullying can be. He didn't want to go back to the camp. At all.

However, at the end of June, he started to say he wanted to go to the SAME camp. When I asked him why: he said he wanted to try it again. Face his fears. You see, we had talked so much about things to do, say, ways to get help, etc., that although it took a year, he was finally ready to try again.

It may be a little too soon for your son. I definitely encourage you to keep on talking about it. Keep it low key but don't forget about it. You have all summer - take his pulse every so often and when school starts, maybe he'll have learned and thought enough about it to be less fearful - altho' again, as I said, it might be too soon (what's summer break 2 months?) so keep a close watch at school - maybe even see if you can take off time when school starts so you can be readily available, like be a room mother for the first week, something like that. Good luck@! Pro Cleaner

I would definitely promise him that in the future you will immediately remove him from school or any situation where there is bullying. For me, the worst horror was that there was no escape. Let him know you love him, and especially, that you agree that bullying is bad and that you will protect him. He needs to know you are on his side. If he has that, he will be able to weather this situation and grow stronger again.

Research I have read shows that children this young cannot resolve bullying on their own -- adult intervention is needed. Please don't tell him he needs to ''toughen up'' or ''get used to it.''

Confront the parents of the bullies and the teachers. Your child has a right to a nurturing environment to grow up in. Homeschool if necessary. Good luck.

2nd grader's friends ganging up on him

My 2nd grader son has always been a borderline ''highly sensitive child''. He is highly self-critical, gets frustrated easily, almost always howls with pain over the slightest scratch. Increasingly he's been telling me of how his best friend since infancy has been ganging up with other pals in his group against him, name calling and provoking my son until he cries or screams in fury and then laughing at him.

I've witnessed a few incidents, and it is disturbing. It's especially troubling since this behavior is frighteningly similar to my own playground experiences. I therefore know that the only advice my parents ever gave me - ''Just ignore them'' is near impossible. I know adults who have trouble ''just ignoring'' comments from peers, so what chance does a child have? It's a very difficult thing to learn, and it doesn't happen overnight. Their behavior also clearly classifies as bullying.

So, a few questions:

1) Where does one start in getting these kids to recognize their behavior and stop it? I do like the kids, and have good relationsips with the parents, which makes it harder to tell them something troubling about their children.

2) How can I help my son? One has to ''toughen up'' to cope in life in general, but I don't want him to think he's wrong in his feelings of frustration, sadness, disappointment that his best friend would do this to him. What's a realistic ''tool'' he can learn easily to help him cope, to help him learn to ignore hurtful actions?

3) Does a group of friends always have to follow a certain dynamic? Do kids naturally look for the weak one to victimize, belittle, make themselves feel superior? Is this just human nature and the way kids work things out? Is there always the alpha dog looking to stay on top?

Any advice, books, articles, sources greatly appreciated Worried Mom

1. Read the book 'The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. This book is wonderful at addressing complicated issues. Not to mention both sides of the bully coin. (For girl bullying it would be The Odd Girl Out Book.)

2. Make an appointment with the school principal. They should have a school policy that addresses what bullying is and what steps are taken when it happens. There should be a solution for this problem. (They should contact the parents of the children who are bullying once it is observed. That way the parents can help and are made aware of the situation. Their child will have consequences if it continues, from the classroom to the playground.)

We chose not to go directly to the parents as we thought that was best handled through the school. We also set up a lot of play dates for our child with different kids so that he was not isolated by the bully.

Talk to your son about how he feels. What words or behavior he can use when it happens. And to go to an adult. It is never ok to be bullied. (I would keep my past stuff out of it as it may be too much for him and colors the issue. )

Talk to the teacher every day to see how it goes. Tell him/her any of your concerns, feedback from your child. But take it to the top. Make sure the yard duty knows of the situation. Do a drive by to monitor the recess yourself. Report any concerns back to the principal and the teacher. Stay involved and proactive. I would also add that its good not to let your child hear too mcuh about how you feel about it. (Talking to friends on the phone, etc).

We just keep talking about everything including how the kids 'play' Don't accept Bullying

I like these guidelines because it gives the young child concrete things to do, and recognizes that they may need assistance j

I got sucked into doing mean things with a gang of girls when I was in grade school. Fortunately, the victim cried and told me how hurt she was so I could know how she felt and not only stop, but I became something of a hero in my junior high. Standing up against kids who thought that it is cool to hurt people. I actually fought some too!

As a big ole mom, I'm not sure what to do....turns out my son'd friend doesn't tell or cry. Then, when someone steps in, he says it's Ok. He wants everyone to like him...??....he is so sweet. My boy doesn't know why he ''isn't brave'' and has been temped, he said, to join in.

I am going to try going there at recess and stepping in. As someone who did this, I am certain that the ''bullies'' have no idea. I have noticed in life that most humor is at someone's expence. Learning to have fun with out hurting others is a skill we all need to learn. AND it is not easy Hopping Mad

My 6-year-old son likes to play with a bully

I am hoping to get some advice that will help me support my 6 year old son and the problem he is having with a classmate friend who is a bully.

I finally connected the dots with my sons complaints to me about a classmate and was amazed to see such a pattern. My son told me how the boy would pick fights with other kids who wanted to play with him. He told my son he would tell the teacher if he did not play with him ( my son thought he would get in trouble!) And this boy would poke and push my son through the day.

I spoke with his teacher to keep her up on it. The feedback I got was that they knew the other boy was a problem but that they were working on it. Now, in a summer class they have, together, things accelerated where this boy is always grabbing at my son and even poked him in his privates.

I have spoken to his teacher and to the principal. They have since been seperated them in class. (When my son would move away this boy would move back in) The princiapal has advised me to contact the superintendent of the district and make sure they are in seperate classes next year. (Something my son has also requested.)

I have seen the listings for Kidpower, and I am wondering if anyone else has additional suggestions for dvds? Books?

What I find additionally disturbing and confusing is that my son still likes to play with this boy at recess. He says that he is nice then. My son plays with other kids and seems to be well liked. He is very outgoing and funloving. We are having alot of conversations about choices and choosing to play with someone who hurts you, who does not listen to you. I don't want to forbid it because I worry that that will make him want to play with him more. I have suggested he play with other kids at recess. We are in the middle of this struggle so I would love some solid advice anon

Also, continue to talk to your son and make sure he's feeling okay about everything on a daily basis, as I'm sure you are doing. The more he feels protected by you, the better he can protect himself. Anon

First grader has been targeted by bullies

Our child currently goes to Franklin Elementary in Oakland. The bullying there is absolutely terrible. The playgrounds are undersupervised.(Large portions of the campus are completely unsupervised, others have a few children and even fewer adults functioning as ''yard duties'') My first-grader has been targeted both by specific bullies who apparently had a problem with him personally (pushed off of the slide repeatedly, harassed for liking ''girl stuff,'' hit, verbally harassed in general) and by random children (for example, one morning two kids he'd never met before jumped him on his way into the school breakfast and stole his backpack, taking his food out and throwing it around and smashing it).

Since a year's worth of fighting with the principal and the school district has done nothing (they don't have the funding for much supervision and the school has not been responsive) we are looking for a new school. There are good reviews of many Oakland and Berkeley public schools on the website, but I would like to see more, and more recent ones, and particularly ones focusing on bullying.

As I remember from elementary school, the school can have as many clubs and events and resources and innovative teachers as it wants, but if the students are harassing each other the elementary school experience will still be hell. So I would love to hear from parents about how their children's schools deal with conflict. Has your child been bullied? Does the school have a conflict management program for the kids? Does the teacher have a good way to deal with it, or seem to notice at all? What about the administration? Is your school remarkably free of bullying? Does it refuse to tolerate bullying? What do people there to do create a safe environment for the kids, and what specifically does or doesn't make it seem safe to you?

While we are mainly looking at Oakland public schools, I am interested in any public or private school anywhere - even if we can't send our kid there, it's good to know (for example) that there is a school that has been effective in creating a bully-free environment in which all children are respected (the Mills College Children's School comes to mind) or which doesn't care at all (like ours).

I should add that his first-grade teacher at Franklin, Ms. Wong, is a great teacher and has taught the whole class a tremendous amount and really cares about all of the kids and their families - it's the school itself that's the problem in our case. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Aidan

I have heard good things about two programs that might be helpful for you and/or other schools, both private and public: (1) the Kaiser Permanente Educational Theature Program called ''P.E.A.C.E. Signs''. This program is free but you have to sign on for the entire package and students, parents, teachers, and the principal are expected to participate. Several schools in the W. County District have used it with good results. The workshops and classroom curriculum focuses on bullying and self-esteem for elementary kids and coping with peer pressure for middle schoolers. The workshop leaders offer practical suggestions and role play to help kids deal with problems at school. If you would like to know more, contact Alicia at Kaiser, 510-987-2223. (2) KidPower is an excellent program but there is a fee. Children can take workshops on their own, they also offer school assemblies and have a comprehensive violence prevention curriculum. They have a website: http://www.kidpower.org/index.html I hope that's helpful. --Sharon

Unfortunately, the Mills College Children's School is NOT a bully-free environment. In our experience, children with differences are also NOT respected there. The staff had a very negative attitude about our child, as he was shy and not very sociable, tending to play alone. When our child was attacked by another student at the school, the head teacher took a very nonchalant attitude and the director tried to deny it had occurred, even though we witnessed it! So it is possible that your public school is not much different from the Mills school as far as bullying goes.

My suggestion is to look into martial arts, like Aikido for your son. Classes are offered to children as young as 3. Bullies are everywhere, and we encounter them throughout life. I adamantly agree that adults must intervene to stop bullying and teach children that bullying is wrong, but no matter how much you try to protect your children, there will still be bullies. Another parent intolerant of bullying

This topic was my greatest concern when I was researching schools for my son. My child now goes to Paden School in Alameda, where bullies are not tolerated. The school embodies/practices an educational ethic called ''Lifelong Guidelines and Lifeskills'' that is integrated into the curriculum. The lifelong guidelines for the faculty and the children: trustworthiness, truthfulness, active listening, no put downs, and personal best. Defined by lifeskills: caring, common sense, cooperation, courage, curiosity, effort, flexibility, friendship, initiative, organization, patience, perseverance, problem-solving, responsibility, and sense of humor.

These core ideals are reflected in the daily interaction at all levels from the principal, the office and support staff, the teachers, the children, and their parents. So there is a feeling of mutual respect and community throughout the school.

This model should not and must not be unique to the schools in Alameda. Since the reach of this network is broad, I would hope that educators/ administrators have a system to reach each other to support and discuss what works. egl

Kindergarten Bully Targeting My Son

I am seeking advice about how to handle my five year old son being bullied at his private school. Since the first week of school, this bully has hit, kicked, bit, spit at or tried to push my son off of playstructures EVERY SINGLE DAY. I began leaving daily messages for the teacher which led to her and I having a meeting. The outcome was working on getting my son to tell her or another adult when this is happening and verbalizing his hurt to the bully. Yesterday, (six weeks later)I called another meeting, this time with the teacher and other mom. The other mom suggested that her child was being excluded as a cause of his daily physical violence to my son. I do not know whether or not my son and his best friend exclude this bully, but a) even if they do, it is propbably because they don't want to be punched while playing and b) there is no excuse for being hit everyday, period. Today, my child was punched again. Am I expecting to much, or should the school be more agressive in stoping this behavior? Or if not, should I tell my son to punch him back? Any expertise/past experiences or techniques are deeply appreciated. Fed up.

In our case, speaking with the parents did nothing, if only fanned the flames. My mom was a strong advocate of fighting back, even if I got two kicks, at least I got one back. So I did. But, being a little girl (ages 6-10 I think), it didn't do much damage.

However, here is what DID work (now I warn you, this is playing a little ''dirty'', but desparate times...). My mom has a vicious tongue and can really make someone feel small if she wants to. She normally doesn't use this, because honestly words can hurt more than punches. But I remember one time she was telling me her honest thoughts about the boys and I listened carefully as she made these funny, yet cutting remarks. The next time they bullied me (they'd do it to impress their stupid friends), I ripped into them, unleashing the cutting words of a 40 year old. I've never seen such power before. The boys nearly started crying. They weren't smart enough to think of a comeback and with each mean phrase (no cussing, just pointing out insecurities like one was fat, the other short, etc) I felt less like a victim.

I can honestly say that the bulling stopped from then on. Occassionally there was something, but it was minor and I had my ammo to fight back.

Now, as your son is only in KG, this may be too harsh a remedy. I would suggest another approach is to say that you will sue the school if they do not protect your son. You can document the incidents and probably have a good case against the school and the bully's parents. You can probably get an attorney to draft something for you. With the recent 'zero tolerance' of bullying (esp. with school violence) I think you can go that route too.

HTH, stopped being picked on

To be fair, this other child obviously has issues; you don't know what he witnesses at home, and it's sad that he feels he needs to bully others. He's probably lonely and frightened and needs help, not isolation. Unfortunately for him, that is NOT your problem, nor should you and especially your son have to condone his behavior. Also bear in mind that if this problem isn't dealt with, this bully could well grow up and be a larger, more dangerous bully to your son and to others. It needs to stop NOW, and it is the school's responsibility and that boys parents responsibility to do something about it. Your son should not be his punching bag, and it is avoidable! Make the school do their job, or put your son in a different school, and don't put up with this for even one more day. Your child is depending on you. Good luck, I'm outraged on your behalf. heather

This is a time for you to be an active advocate. As a practical matter, can you observe an entire school day, without hovering or intervening, to see what the group dynamics are? (For instance, is the bully part of a group your child wants to play with, or doing the same activity your child wants to do? Is this an issue of unprovoked bullying or an issue of kids not knowing how to resolve disputes?) Can you make an arrangement with an older friend or neighbor child to stick with your child as ''protection''? Can your child stay with a group of his or her own friends for protection? Can your child avoid locations where the bully hangs out? Can your child eat lunch in the classroom or under the eye of a supervising teacher until the bully changes? Is the bully a child with impulse control or special needs who needs closer adult supervision on the play yard? Hitting is two-year-old behavior, but some children have to work harder on controlling their behavior than others. Each situation is different and needs flexible thinking. Best of luck. peg

First, you need to make time to drop by school during recess or outdoor play time. Don't tell your son you're coming and make special arrangements with the teacher. This way, you can watch for yourself how the process begins and ends. If the teacher isn't compliant, then go straight to the principal.

If things go the way you expected, what YOU need to do is to approach the bully and TELL him to stop. Be firm and motherly at the same time. One fair warning is all he needs. Especially since he wasn't expecting you. From that point on, he'll never know if you're waiting in the sidelines. Say something like this: ''Hey, __________, I'm so-and-so's mom, and he tells me that you've been hitting and punching him. Is this true? Because I talked to your mom and she told me that if you hit my son again that she and I will have to have a BIG talk. So, i'm telling you RIGHT NOW, don't EVER hit MY kid again.''

Even though you had a talk already with his mom, it shouldn't matter. It just means that you will actually have to have yet another BIG talk with his mom. Also, just so this isn't completely bias, try to weasle some info out of your son first as to whether or not he's instigating these situations, by himself or with a companion. There could be some things he's not telling you. Like the mean things he says or verbal teasing.

That 'bully' could also be defending himself the only way he knows how. tinygirl_oak

Abusive 2nd grader

After we got home yesterday, my daughter and I did a lot of talking. I asked her to tell me everything which is bothering her at school. She started to cry hysterically. She said it is too gross to tell, then she tried to write instead. This same classmate is giving my daughter information about sex. This includes this girl wants to have sex with an eight year old classmate, and she reports her mother's sex life... My daughter said she made her promise not to tell, and she is afraid now something bad will happen to her. This is an ordeal for me, I am conservative and from East Asia. My husband thinks this is common in this culture. My daughter is the youngest at her grade, she was exposed to this unpleasant experiences when she was only 6. I can't describe my deep pain and I feel very sorry to my daughter. I do not know what to do about this, shall I talk to the teacher on this issue? Shall I talk to her friend's mom (I only met her once on the first day of school last Fall)? Am I over reacting?

This is a serious enough matter that you could tell the teacher you want a joint conference with her and the principal. If you aren't satisfied that they have taken effective steps to protect your daughter, ask them to guarantee that she and this other child will be in different classes next fall. You may have to consider changing schools if you don't feel confident that your daughter's current school is taking this seriously and will protect her.

Taking strong and effective steps to protect your daughter from this abuse will probably reassure her that you will keep her safe, and this experience will become less disturbing to her. However, you might consider counseling for her if, over the summer, she seems anxious or troubled.

I'm sorry this happened to your daughter. Abuse this severe by a schoolmate is not common, although it does happen occasionally. You are doing the right things, and that, in itself, will help your daughter deal with it. Louise

If I were you I would also go to the school principal and discuss how the issue of respect is handled at the school, as well as talk about yard supervision issues. Are there enough teachers out in the yard during recess and lunch? Obviously they can't catch everything, but their presence in larger versus smalller numbers makes it less likely for kids to act out. Also, request that your daughter and the other girl be placed in different classes next year.

I don't know if you or your husband have time to "hang out" or volunteer at the school, or if there's a way to seek out the help of the PTA to organize more volunteers in the school yard and bathrooms. Increased parental presence is helpful and most schools really appreciate it.

How wonderful that your daughter trusted you enough to confide in you. Good luck with all this.

Yes, talk with your daughter's teacher. She must know what is happening. The teacher must talk with this other girl's mother. If the teacher is unresponsive (though I doubt he/she will be), then go to the principal.

Threats from the other girl should not prevent you from ending your daughter's abuse. The school is responsible for ensuring that your daughter is safe and free from fear. If they cannot ensure that, I would look to transfer your child.

My heart goes out to you. This is a pain that no one should have to endure. Linda

First and foremost, however, I urge you to question the teacher's approach. Working with your daughter to "improve her social skills" gives your daughter the message that SHE is at fault. Even if it works --which in my personal experience it does not-- what message does this send her, and what damage will it do long term? I would try instead to find for her and support relationships in which others accept and like her for what she is (we're moving schools and looking for new out-of-school activities to widen her circle of potential friends).

Secondly, please consider approaching the principal of your school about the safety of your daughter and others at her school. It is highly unlikely that your daughter and the harasser are the only ones being impacted. It will also show your daughter that you support her --the most positive moment in our daughter's situation came when we broke a lifetime's conditioning and told her her teacher had made a mistake.

The sexual content of the harassment is a new one for me too, and it has also come up with my daughter. She is the smallest in a class where the largest girls are already starting to develop. I'm very grateful that she had already had a facts-of-life talk with me. But perhaps this is another global issue best discussed with the school principal.

Good luck. And never miss an opportunity to tell your daughter how wonderful she is! Chris

My first impulse would be to remove my child immediately. Although you may find it initially helpful to talk to the teacher and the other parents, this kind of behavior is typically entrenched in an individual school. You will not change their oversight policy and standards overnight and by the time you have any impact at all, it will be too late for your daughter. Also, you will probably find that this will make you very unpopular. Parents don't like to think of their kids as "troublemakers" and will most likely blame you for being a nosy mother.

Find a better school. Pay for it. Drive her there. Meet ahead of time with the teachers. Sit in on a class and observe at recess. This is the least we can do for our children. Good luck to you.

You must speak to the principal of the school immediately and demand that this be stopped. No principal I've seen in the Berkeley schools would tolerate it. The sexual comments could well be construed as sexual harassment which is prohibited by state and federal law as well as BUSD policy. The other behavior is scary and threatening to your child and also intolerable. DO NOT stop with the conversation with the teacher you've already had. Put the administration on notice and insist that positive, tangible action be taken. You will be doing your child and all of her classmates a great favor. Timothy

Now on a calmer note, how upsetting for both you and your daughter. Depending on your cultural beliefs now that the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak it would be important for you to have a calm conversation with your child about sex and reassuring her that although it is not for children that things of a sexual nature are not gross. She will likely have many questions and concerns over time. I wish I had a better response regarding playground picking in general or name calling although I do know that the papers had reported that Berkeley School District passed a rule that any bullying had to be dealt with through a series of meetings with the "bully" and parents which included some sensitivity training about how the other person might feel and what the child was hoping to accomplish through the name calling and bullying (sometimes it is as simple as wanting to be noticed or included), but the child needs to be guided into the realization of the reasons for her actions and their effects on others.

Personally prior to this new rule I had such a terrible problem with my children (including my son being propositioned on the plalyground by a girl) that I chose to home school my children. The funny thing is that people always worry that they aren't being socialized. Who needs socialization like that?!!!!

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for noticing something wrong and for asking your child for information in a way that gave her the opportunity to tell you a lot of really tough things. Your own feelings about her experiences make a lot of sense; our child's pain causes us pain. When they tell us difficult things, though, and SEE that it causes us pain, everything gets even more painful because they don't want to hurt us. As the years go by, children who discover that their life experiences are actually traumatic for their parents will actually STOP TELLING adults about problems because they don't want to hurt them. It sounds like you have other supportive adults to share your upset feelings with, and I hope you're able to make time to do that with them so that you are in the best position to help your daughter.

So, of course your child needs validation that this behavior is all unacceptable, and of course she needs you to show that you care -- DEEPLY -- about her well-being. What she really needs, though, is your support in dealing with this situation. She needs your support, your insight, and your coaching. She needs ideas and a safe place to practice those ideas with people she trusts (like her parents, in her home). She needs to feel that you believe in her ability to take charge and that you will back her up if she ever embarasses, inconveniences, or offends ANYONE in her legitimate efforts to protect her safety. "Take charge," by the way, does not mean "stop" or "win." It literally means taking action instead of waiting for someone else to start and finish whatever uncomfortable or hurtful thing they're doing.

Children appreciate knowing that there are some things they CAN'T do, and they appreciate adults recognizing these truths -- which, by the way, are true regardless of our culture or political leanings: 1. There are people in your class/school/neighborhood who do things we don't like. 2. We cannot make those people disappear. 3. "Bullies," for lack of a better word, have problems that make them unhappy, and they feel a little bit less unhappy when they bully. We cannot solve the bully's problems. 4. While we cannot control what other people say or do, we CAN control how we react to them.

Your daughter does not have control over what this other child says. However, she CAN take charge of her reaction to hurtful or upsetting words. We teach children the "garbage can" which is impossible to convey accurately here but is a skill that helps them recognize hurtful words for what they are and how to keep themselves from being hurt by them. You may have some other good ideas to build her skill in that area.

A bully wants someone to react. Sometimes they want someone who will cry; sometimes they want a fight; sometimes they want someone to feel scared of them. If you can get more information from outside sources as to what the bullying child is getting from your daughter (i.e. tears, expressions of shock) then you will be even more prepared to help your daughter take charge of her responses.

Regarding the "made me promise not to tell" part: This is actually quite stressful for children, and much of that stress can be reduced with basic family rules on boundaries. Our third boundary principle is "Nothing that bothers me should ever have to be a secret." In addition, we even teach children that lying can be a great choice there: "I won't tell IF you stop." (By the way, a person at this point in boundary setting has already been pushed REALLY far; boundary setting skills are powerful beginning far before this point). For your daughter, try going back to her and telling her THAT SHE HANDLED A DIFFICULT SITUATION REALLY WELL by promising not to tell, and then telling. That can help build her belief in her ability to take charge of situations that affect her safety or emotional well-being.

Yes, honesty and keeping promises are important. However, our children are safest when they know that their safety is more important than anyone's embarassment, inconvenience, or offense, and that it's OK to lie or break a promise when it's about their safety AS LONG AS they go to an adult as soon as they can and tell/get help.

As I mentioned before, the body of information on this topic is quite large, and I cannot hope to do it justice here. However, I hope these idea fragments will give you a chance to see this difficult situation from a perspective you might not have tried yet. Keep in mind that your daughter will, quite likely, NOT try anything she is TOLD to do; children in a situation where they need to make choices that affect their emotional or physical safety are more likely to do not what they have been told but what they have PRACTICED. Please consider signing her up for an age-appropriate self protection class like the ones we teach at KIDPOWER

Obviously, during all of this, there's the adult/school element: Most importantly is the issue of the other child's sexually explicit language and/or behavior. Any time children are using sexually explicit language or behavior, there's a risk of abuse, either that the individual acting out is being abused or that the individual is abusing other kids. When adults see or hear about this behavior, it's crucial that they inform the appropriate school personnel so that the school or counselors can check it out in further detail. Also at the adult/school level: Is bullying taken seriously? When children report problems, do they see concrete, effective action that addresses their problems? What proactive steps are adults taking to maintain/preserve physical and emotional safety? Your daughter, facing this child daily, cannot wait for this problem to be solved on a systematic level, which is why the individual-level skills are crucial.

You sound like a loving, involved mom. You HAVE the power to help your daughter with this, and you CAN take steps to help your daughter keep herself safe. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Sincerely, Erika Leonard Holmes, East Bay Program Coordinator http://www.kidpower.org

First-grade girls teasing

My son was in a situation where he and his best friend were very close and another child was jealous of the relationship and kept trying to be a part of the group. The other child's mother had talks with the teacher and each of our children trying to force them to play with her son instead of trying to find out why they didn't want to (there were some very legitimate reasons). The teacher also talked with our children and asked them to include this boy. I tell you, the situation went from no so good to really bad. I have always taught my son that I would not choose his friends and suddenly several people were trying to choose his friends for him (in a very different way than I had expected) and both children resented this. The 'excluded' boy saw that 'telling' got his mother and the teacher involved and used it extensively, or at least the threat to tell, to get the children to do what he wanted them to do. This did not win him any friendships and he found himself very quickly isolated in his class. After reproaching my son for "alleged" (and witnessed by me) teasing the boy I found out from his friends that my son had been reapeatedly teased by this boy first. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, be careful of your interference. Much as it hurts to see your child suffer (as this boy I'm talking about genuinely suffered), theirs is rarely the whole story.

I think our children need to grow up understanding and accepting that not everybody will like them and that's ok, and that they will not be invited to every birthday party and that's ok, nothing to feel bad about. Good luck with your daughter.

I would also encourage you to help your daughter make other friends, as this group is mostly able to get under her skin because she cares so much about them and it is obvious that she does. I wasn't clear which girl was doing the most teasing. Would it be any help to talk to the parents of the other girl?

6-year-old daughter being bullied at school

I need help with this asap please! My daughter (6 yrs) and 'gifted'--has been put in a mixed class of 1st and 2nd graders which was fine until a 2nd grader she liked started to bully her and treat her very badly. My daughter is as big/tall competent as 2nd graders and can read at a 3rd grad level. The 2nd grader in question, a girl, doesn't like being with 1st graders and she is making my daughter suffer for it. She has knocked her off the monkey bars in the air, whispered with bigger kids in front of her at recess and said ''i wish i could knock her off. '' (She daren't as I told never to do it again.) However, when I mentioned it to the teacher, she merely said, ''sounds like they need to work on their relationship.'' And that was the end of the discussion. We only found out this weekend how much more has been going on and our daughter did not want to get out of bed on Saturday. She has become extremely agitated and despondent and we are very concerned. The 2nd grader looks away from her whenever she says hello, and she pulls her pencil from her hand everyday. Our daughter is very social but this situation is compomising her confidence and ability to socialize with other new kids she's meeting. While sitting next to this 2nd grader in class, she is being completely ignored and given sullen looks if looked at at all. The 2nd grader talks with the other kids at the table. Our daughter is a gentle an diplomatic soul who has never hurt anyone. How can we handle this professionally? And how can we get this unhappy 2nd grader to change her behaviour? ?This is having a profound effect on our daughter, and she suddenly can't hold up the strong front anymore. Her sibling who has the same name as the 2nd grader is now suffering as a result as her older sister has become so unhappy.

My daughter was singled out for some totally unacceptable treatment (shunning) by the ringleader of her childhood friends in the fourth grade at our former Berkeley public elementary school. The teacher was very skillful at addressing social issues, and spent time working with the kids involved. The ringleader then turned her attention to being rude to the teacher. The principal got involved. Before the semester was over, the superintendent had removed the perpetrator from our school and reassigned her. That seemed to be the only thing that would work. The bully didn't attend school for the rest of the year, and her parents threatened the BUSD with a racial discrimination lawsuit, so the superintendent at that time re-enrolled the bully at our school. Lots of parents got phone calls from the (new) principal about this, but surprisingly, we did not. I learned about this reassignment from a friend the week before school started. I began calling other schools, and found a wonderful independent school where there is a culture of kindness and respect and certainly nothing along the lines of what our daughter experienced would be accepted for a nanosecond. I heard that at the beginning of this year, the old cohort of bully and her friends had started a ''Hate Club'' at their middle school. I feel very sorry for those poor, unfortunate children.

Sometimes you can help to change the kids who are causing damange in our children's lives, and sometimes you can't. If you find you can't, I think the best thing to do is to find an environment where your child *is* treated well, with the respect and appreciation every child deserves. To ignore the abuse sends a message to your child that it doesn't matter how they're being treated, or that it can't be helped. Best of luck to you. This problem does seem to be fairly pervasive, but it's one we should address diligently. Sign me a much happier anonymous mom

Self Esteem Damaged by School Bully

Most importantly--What can parents do to repair his sense of self worth? Since his peers have defined him as the class dweeb, how can I, or his dad help him recover? My heart is breaking to see my son suffer like this.

Just be sure to approach them in a cooperative way, setting aside your (well justified) anger at their kid. I would also express a request that the parents not let the bully child know specifically that they are acting pursuant to a call from you, so as not to give the bully more information than he needs. If this fails (parents unsupportive), to be perfectly honest, I would probably tell the parents something to the effect of: "I always try to resolve problems informally and being a cooperative person myself, I consider litigation an absolute last resort. But I do see your child's behavior as a threat to the well-being of mine and I see it as my duty to my son to protect him. I am sure you also feel the same way about your son. I would hate to have to take legal steps to have your son removed from school or to get all of us involved in costly, wasteful litigation over this matter. Please help me avoid this by working with me in modifying your child's behavior." My heart goes out to you and I wish you good luck.

I think you should MAKE SURE the parents of the bully are told what's going on - and possibly the parents of some of the children who are going along with it. A good friend of mine discovered only after six months (because the teacher never told her) that another child was living in misery because of her son, who was acting as an acolyte to another kid, his only friend. She was devastated that this had been happening and she didn't know. Kids reasons for going along are pretty varied, with size being a big issue. Of course, I found it hard to talk to the parents of my daughter's bullies precisely because they were friends that I knew well, it was hard to bring into a friendly conversation "...and your child has been making my child's life a misery"...in the end it was sorted out by a teacher and a change of school principal, and I had also worked with my daughter on defense tactics that have helped her become a confident twelve year old.

I didn't have her change school or class because I liked the school in other ways, and thought we would get through it (which was a slow method). It's an option worth considering for your child, though. In retrospect I might have done some sort of move, but things went up and down over the months and at key moments I thought things were improving. I also didn't move her because I'd had some bullying experience, and found moving to a new school didn't help me get over it, really, even though the new school was better. I actually think my daughter is stronger from having got through the situation completely and on the last day at that school (three years after the bullying had stopped) one of the girls involved fell on her neck, sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry for all the times I was mean to you" which I think was an important experience for both of them.

Part of the process, for me, was getting together with some other parents, teachers, and the new school principal, to set up a better process for dealing with bullying at the school - it will always exist (very bad sign if teachers claim it doesn't) but it can be controlled and kids (both bullies and bullied) can learn other ways of behaving. There are lots of books on the subject, but I found some of the most useful material for prevention programs was in emotional education sources - teaching kids to recognize one another's emotions, being aware of the consequences of what they do, being able to resist peer pressure etc. Basically, any school that doesn't have an effective control and a prevention program will have uncontrolled bullying, and a proportion of the kids there will be suffering the same misery your son has been. So it's something that all parents should be promoting, not just the relations of known victims.

Incidentally, one of the most troublesome kids in my younger child's class was an angelic looking child. I always had difficulty believing such a sweet-looking kid could do the things I knew he did do. It seems like we all have stereotypes for things, including bullies.

As a counselor I often see the long-term damage of teasing and bullying in adults in adults with severely compromised self esteem. So, I suggest that your son get some help,even if the bullying is brought to an end.

The techniques that I use to undo the damage of bullying and teasing are Hypnotherapy, EFT and Experiential Art. EFT is a method of tapping on acupoints while the child and/or parent tunes into the problem. This rebalances the energy system and the negative emotions fall away. Kids like to tap on their "body buttons," and it's not necessary for them to do a lot of talking about the problem.

Meanwhile, on your own, you might encourage your son to draw pictures of the bullying experiences. You can also ask him to draw pictures about what else he is afraid of, and about how he would like the situation to be.

Don't evaluate or interpret the drawings... just ask him to tell you all about them. This will give you more information, and give him a way of working on his stuff. You can also encourage him to keep a doodle diary that is his alone.

Hope some of this helps. Sincerely, joan

My advice is: it is very hard to get help from teachers, at least in larger schools. Certainly you should speak with the teachers and principal but don't expect the school to be able to solve the problem. Kids know how to bully without teachers seeing them. One positive thing you can do is to generate some good PR for your kid - by that I mean making the other kids think that your son is one cool kid. Does he have at least a passing knowledge of whatever fads the kids his age are in to? If not, do some investigating and get him up to speed. Can you get him some new cool thing that he can brag about or show off? I realize this is not the lesson we are supposed to give to our kids, but self-esteem is very important, and parents can do public relations for their kids that will improve their social standing. Kids are very fickle and not too perceptive and will suddenly start liking another kid just on the basis of one or two cool toys (or later, a pair of shoes or a video game). If your son is still young enough for you to create play dates for him without too much protest, you might try inviting the culprits over for some irresistable event - a trip to an arcade or Great America or something major like that. You will be there to make sure everyone has a good time. If this isn't an option, make sure your son has his own friends to hang with, setting up playdates yourself if necessary. If the situation continues to worsen despite your best efforts I hate to say it but I think you should change schools. Once a kid gets labeled, it's very hard to shake it off and it could stick to the kid for years to come, especially if he is in a small school.

Good luck Ginger

In your place I'd be encouraging him to stand up for himself (clearly we differ here on what is an appropriate response) and seeking an outside source for building his body image, self-respect and social skills. How? I very strongly recommend a program of martial arts training such as Kuk Sool Won -- in my experience kids who get hassled seem to send some secret signal to those around them that triggers the unfair negative attention. A good program of martial arts (or alternatively a good program in a team sport) might teach your son skills to deflect negative attention, while developing excellent physical skills and an understanding of where he is and how he interacts with others. Its also a whole lot of fun and gives a great sense of pride and accomplishment. I suggest the KSW on Sacramento because so much of their program is directed at kids. They are good at what they do.

Let me encourage you to stop seeing your child as a "victim" in this. For whatever reason, he, and you, have entered into a relationship with his tormentors, and you will have to break the pattern and make a new healthier one. I know its frustrating and discouraging -- but the fact is this could be the start of a new, more positive time for your son. Good luck.

Contacting the other boy's parents may work if you know them and think they will have a constructive response; otherwise let the school deal with it. Don't talk to the boy yourself unless you are invited to do so by the school and/or his parents.

Counseling your son on how to respond is good, as long as you let him know that you don't expect him to solve this by himself. This sounds like a situation that is more than any kid can handle alone. Tell him what you are doing to help and that he deserves to be safe and respected at school. Listen to what he has to say, and only take him out of the school if he agrees to it.

My son had several incidents of being bullied two years ago. The child who was bullying was punished at the school and the parents when we tried to discuss it with them (we had been friendly previously) ended up telling us that it was our child's fault that their son had been bullying. I don't think they would have said this if they had been thinking, and certainly didn't say it to the principal, the teacher and the school psychologist when they met with them.

This being said, I took a 3-prong approach. I worked with my son directly, I worked through the school, but I also sought professional help -- an outside therapist who specialized in child psychology and social adjustment issues. It sometimes irked me that, as I saw it, my son went to a therapist because the bullied (who obviously needed counseling) didn't, but I'm glad I did. After a full academic year of crap, I got to see my son engaged in new relationships over the summer. In meeting new kids at camp, he was open, warm, and even stood up to his best friend who was bullying a new friend (as he said, "I know what it's like to have someone pick on you and not have anyone stand up for you"). I did not directly see the benefits of counseling during the school year, but for my child to remain so open to making new friends after the school experience he had was proof positive that therapy was worth it and his self-esteem was rising.

Private Schools with No Bullying

I'd like some insider info on some of our private middle schools. My child's issues are not academic, they're social. He was bullied for a few years in elementary and I'm worried that he could either become a target again, or become a bully himself if he goes into the wrong environment. I'm looking for a place where put-downs, snobbery, and social exclusion are not tolerated. Am I dreaming? worried mom

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