Shyness in Preschoolers
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Shyness in Preschoolers
Feb 2011
I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to share their
experience and advice about helping a socially reticent kid
transition to preschool. Our 2-year-old daughter is eager
and enthusiastic about most everything but is uncomfortable
with other kids her own age in a free-play setting (as in
runs away, hides behind me, or cries when they get too close
on the playground). I realize she'll grow a lot between now
and September and that this might not be a problem by then,
but I'd love to hear from anyone who has gone through
something similar. Thanks!
shy one's mom
I too had a 2 year old who was very shy - she sounds
similar to your daughter. We looked at several preschools
and decided on Fountainhead Montessori in Orinda - it
really fit our daughters personality. A few people told
us we were making a mistake and that we should send her to
a ''louder'' preschool. I know my daughter and I knew that
sending her to a more rambuctious school would only make
her more timid. She is now almost three years old and she
loves school. She did cry the second week of school each
day I dropped her off - which was VERY hard - but the
teachers are great and really helped her through the
transition. That passed the following week and seems to
be common with most children that age.
Our daughter is still on the shy side in school - in fact
she is only now starting to use her words with the
teachers. But it is clear that she enjoys it. When I
show up to pick her up I look in the windows and she is
always engaged in some activity. She is also now more
relaxed in other social situations both at home and when
we go out.
Your daughter will be just fine!
Anon
Jan 2008
My ''slow to warm'' 3 year old daughter virtually shuts down when
she encounters a new group of young children. I've enrolled her
in two ''parent-child'' dance/movement classes because she loves
to dance at home and with classmates in her small preschool.
But when we get to class and she sees a small group of new kids
(all around her age), she clings to me and refuses to stand up
by herself, dance, or otherwise participate in any manner. We
simply quit the first dance class and recently enrolled in a
toddler ballet class because she loved doing ''ballet'' at home
and because her friend from preschool is also enrolled. Thought
the presence of a child/friend she knows well would help - but
hasn't. In fact, the look of pain and anguish on her little
face while all the other little girls were dancing and having a
great time was more than I could bear. Any advice or experience
with very sensitive introverted children - maybe this is anxiety
or a very mild form of selective mutism?
Jenny
I too have a daughter who at this age also froze up around
anyone who was new and unfamiliar. It was sad to see because I
could tell she wanted to be a part of the activities, but just
could not get herself to leave my side. It was also very
frustrating, for example I signed her up for a gymnastics class.
The first couple of classes she sat there the whole time and did
not do a single activity. I wanted to just pull her from the
class if she wasn't even going to participate. We stuck with it
and after just watching (not participating ) the first two
classes, the kids weren't so unfamiliar and she started to
participate. Now she loves the class and is confident and
excited to go to them. It took her two classes to warm up but
she did. What also helped was a little bribe. I know, probably
not the best parenting strategy, but the idea of a little treat
(Which she doesn't get very often) if she participated in EVERY
activity helped motivate her past her fears. The bribe in
combination with her just watching and having it all become more
familiar helped her to start participating. She had fun and
realized there wasn't anything to be afraid of and she got a
little treat at the end. What could be better? It really helped
to stick with the class and confirmed for her that she could do
it and that there wasn't anything/anybody to be afraid of. It
gave her a new confidence and she seems to have broken out of
that very shy shell and is more outgoing in new situations.
shy but more confident
There could be many reasons for your daughter's fear. I did
think of Selective Mutism as I was reading your post. BIg
question....Does your daughter speak to her friends, adults,
teachers, Aunt Frannie and Uncle Bill, her friends parents?
If she EVENTUALLY speaks to the people she is shy around, even
if it takes her hours to warm up, then she does not have SM.
I'd say she definately has major anxiety of some sort.
Can she tell you how she feels? Why she is afraid? Does she
eventually warm up and join the party, or the dancing? Its hard
to diagnos at 3 yo...but it might be helpful to talk to a child
therapist. Does she go to pre-school? How is she there?
If you want to check out Selective Mutism, go to
www.selectivemutismcenter.org You can find all the info you
need there about SM.
As a child I was EXTREMELY shy. I remember literally hiding
behind my mom when people would talk to me. I went to day camp
and made my dad sit with me the whole time...till the last day.
I finally warmed up on the last day and then didn't want to
leave.
It may be extreme shyness and she will come out of it but good
idea to start gathering info meanwhile. Good luck. E=mail me if
you want to talk more about Selective Mutism (my 12 yo son has
SM).
June
Maybe she isn't afraid of other children; maybe sh's afraid of herself--of being
judged by her ''performance'', or that her ''performance'' isn't good
enough...regardless of whether that is actually true. I was an introverted
perfectionist as a child and I loved dance class, but appeared to never participate
because I was too worried about whether what I was doing was ''right'' in front of
the other kids and teacher.
Some kids dance/movement teachers are more skilled than others in drawing out
introverted kids and making them feel comfortable in participating. Maybe you can
get some recommendations from the BPN forum.
Former introvert, current dancer
My older son (now six) had some similar issues when he was
younger. One thing that helped in group situations in which
there were unfamiliar children was getting there early so we were
there before anyone else. That way we got used to the
classroom/venue, we were greeted by the teacher, and we could
watch each new child enter the class. He got a lot better with
kid crowds and the related noise/chaos after he started preschool.
Slow to warm up too!
Lots of kids that age cling to their parents when meeting a new
group of boisterous kids. Can she do some of the dances while
staying near you until she gets to know the other children? When
she feels comfortable, she'll join in. It sounds as if she's not
comfortable yet. Is it because of the other children, or because
she's afraid she might make a wrong move?
Would it help to invite a few of the children to your house for a
small ''dance rehearsal/party''? Many dance teachers who work with
children are available for private lessons.
Dance Lover
May 2006
Hi BPN members,
My pre-schooler is a generally happy boy except when he is in
the company of people (Both adults and kids)that are either
strangers or those he does not see very often.
HE essentially will hide behind mommy or daddy and won't speak.
Communication becomes non-verbal. Shaking head for yes or no
and occasional whispers. And he becomes CLINGY!
When he is in the company of mom/dad, grandparents, and other
caregivers, he is a vocal kid, talking, singing and
acting 'normal'.
Is this just a phase? This has been going on for about a year
now.
I wasn't too concerned ( I would rather having him shy from
strangers than follow them to their cars!) however, I am
getting a little tired of comments from well-meaning friends
and relatives about how the little guy needs to toughen up etc.
Forever Shy?
Does your son eventually warm up to these people? If he does,
then he is likely just extremely shy and that is what you can
tell people and try not to be concerned about their comments.
If your son never warms up to certain people and shuts down when
they try to speak to him or expect him to speak, he may have the
social anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism
(www.selectivemutismcenter.org) Selectively mute kids dont' talk
to certain people in certain settings. Whatever the degree of SM
(or even shyness) coaxing the child to speak or putting pressure
on them in any way will increase the anxiety and you will get
nowhere. The way to be with these kids is to make them more
comfortable....ease the anxiety. It's tricky and complicated.
When someone talks to your son and he doesn't answer you can
say ''I guess he's not speaking today''...or something like that.
Make it OK for your child not to speak and not that something is
not right with him. Hope this is helpful.
June
My daughter was exactly the same. She is now 8 and is very
socially appropriate with all children and adults. The change
was a gradual one. It's been fun watching her emerge from her
shell.
One thing we did which may or may not have contributed to the
change was make an ''Outgoing Chart''. It was a grid of 100
squares which we kept on the refridgerator. Each time she did
something ''outgoing'', like answer a stranger's questions about
her name or age, she got to put an X through one or more
squares. Simply holding up the right number of fingers to
indicate her age was worth one square, while actually saying
her age was worth two squares, etc. Before we began, we had
her pick a big reward that she would receive when the grid was
full. In her case it was a swing set. As she got nearer to
the 100th square, the desire for her swing set overtook her
shyness and she started answering questions much more readily.
Once she had her swing set, her sense of accomplishment was
evident. Now she looks back fondly on what she achieved at an
early age and appreciates her own efforts as she continues to
enjoy her swing set.
We never criticized her shyness (as you indicated, others will
do that), but rather framed ''outgoingness'' as something that
accompanies getting older and bigger. That seemed to make
sense to her.
Good luck
Deanna
I don't think there's anything wrong with your son. He just
may be a bit more introverted. It may take him more time to
warm up around strangers and he may not ever be completely
comfortable around them. My daughter is the same way as your
son is. I was also that way as a child and felt really hurt
when people would describe shyness as a defect of some kind.
In our society we tend to value extroverts more, but being an
introvert isn't a deficiency.
Jennifer
I was a shy preschooler exactly like you described (except female). My
parents did not
pressure me to be any different. It took me a long time to be less shy
(like till college)
but I am glad they just let me be me.
Formerly shy
You have a shy child -
you have to learn to let it be. They may slowly get better
about it (my child has definitely gotten better), but it may
never go away. They may really shine in certain situations but
seem an emotional cripple in others. You can't ''harden'' truly
shy children, but just be supportive. Just be prepared for
when you are mortified by some of the clingy behavior, even as
they get older, and understand that they might not like group
situations much ever. This type of child is especially hard
for the outgoing parent. The child might be disappointing in
this regard but they often have wonderful dispositions
otherwise -less tantrums, more thoughtful, less aggressive,
pleasant children to be around
Anon
December 2004
Hi!
I have a three year old boy who is quite shy and introverted.
He refuses to talk to anyone he doesn't know well and won't
participate in anything unless I am with him. I started him in
preschool this year and it took several months to get him to be
ok without me around. However, we went to the doctor today and
he freaked out - screaming, kicking, a real mess. He is rarely
away from him mom and dad and goes with his sister to the same
dr all the time. I was hoping for some advise from parents who
also have very shy, introverted preschoolers. I am a very
outgoing person so it is difficult for me to understand what he
is going through. I try so hard to prepare him for what we are
doing/where we are going but he still often has a hard time. I
just want him to grow up happy and healthy regardless of his
shyness.. Any thoughts?
My son was incredibly shy as a three year old, and very
outgoing and rambunctious as a four year old. I think it is a
mormal developmental stage - I would just give it some time and
try to tolerate the frustration.
been there
May 2003
My daughter is almost 4, and has been in preschool for almost a
year. She attends five mornings a week. Although she enjoys the
activities and teachers at preschool, and plays casually with the
other children, she doesn't really have any preschool friends. I
attribute this partly to the situation that when she joined the
school, all the other girls were already in a very tight clique,
and she was the only new one. She is also the youngest girl in
the school, and there is only one boy younger. My heart breaks
when she says she doesn't have any friends. (I do point out a
couple friends she has out of school.) I keep her in this school
because she does like to go, and I think changing would just
create the same situation of being the new one.
I've tried encouraging her to play with the other girls and
boys. I've called the parents of a couple of the other girls to
try to set up playdates, but they have been unresponsive, and no
one has ever asked me. I could call again, but I don't know if
it's even polite to keep asking. Maybe it's just an
organizational issue, or maybe their children don't want to play
with her. (Or maybe I'm the problem?)
Several new children, both girls and boys, are starting at the
beginning of July. Is there any way to coach her on how to make
friend with these new kids? I remember my mother trying to give
me advice on how to make friends when I was a child, and though I
couldn't tell her at the time, it was seemed totally impractical
because it didn't acknowledge the whole social landscape of my
peers. I don't want to give that kind of advice. Also I didn't
have many friends as a child, so I don't know what to tell her.
I'm seeking advice from people who were more socially adept
children, or anyone with any insight.
Seeking Friends
Often older kids (and they don't have to be that much older)
just zone out on younger ones who just cannot keep up socially.
They also have their established friends and patterns of play
and for a lot of children it can be difficult to make the
adjustment to include a new person.I would try and make
playdates with the new incoming crowd who might be more around
her age and social maturation level.
The incoming mom's are more likely to be receptive as they will
in most cases want to encourage and support friendships for
their children in their new school.
Good Luck
I'm sure your situation is similar to many other moms. I have
found it difficult to 'break the ice' with other parents and so
far have only been relatively successful. Like you, i don't know
if it's the parents, or me, or my daughter. I am a little shy
though i don't think people would usually think that of me. I
think maybe it's just that it takes a certain amount of
persistance and an ability to not feel 'put out' if you don't
get the response that you would like. I have found that it's
sometimes easier getting my own daughter playtime with the boys
in her preschool as they haven't 'yet' formed those tight
cliques that you described. You might also try helping out with
any sort of extracurricular activities that your daughters
school does. I know having school picnics and potlucks where all
the parents are involved and able to socialize is a great way to
meet the other parents and suggest 'again' those playdates for
your daughter and other children.
best of luck to you...
Why not just you yourself immediately get friendly with the new parents
and invite them and their children over for a few playdates? I'm doubtful that
any kind of coaching will help a 4 year old make friends....just show her
by example and set up a situation where she can interact one-on-one with
them. If the parents are very busy, you can also just offer to host the
playdate yourself. Playdates really helped our daughter alot at age 4.
That being said, our daughter also had trouble making friends at preschool
at age 4. Switching preschools did it for us we found better teachers
more able to facilitate kids' interactions, friendlier families eager for
playdates, and more compatible kids. Or maybe she was just suddenly ready.
So you might want to consider it, especially as lots of places will be starting up
again anew in the fall.
Karen
April 2003
My shy sweet sensitive three year old boy is having a tough time
at preschool. He is very chatty and outgoing at home, but in
other situations esp outside of the home can be very shy. At
preschool, he is not talking very much at all (a few words a
day) and usually I pick him up, is playing by himself or just
wandering around (by himself). Up until now, he has told me
that he likes school and usually wants to stay when I come to
pick him up, but recently he has become clingy when I drop him
off and last week was holding me and crying. Today, he thought
(incorrectly) he was going to school and almost burst into
tears, saying he wanted to stay home. I'm thinking that he is
feeling very left out. He talks a lot about friends at school,
but he can't name anyone special and i don't see him playing
with any one child. The teachers are very warm and caring, and
there is an excellent teacher/child ration and the program seems
very interesting and stimulating. I guess my question is what
can I do to help my very shy child deal with school? Can anyone
recommend some books? And although it is a very good school, in
the back of my mind, I'm thinking something very small (like 5
kids) and preferably diverse would be better.
Thanks
Maybe you could try having playdates outside of school with some
of your son's classmates. It might be easier for him to form
friendships in a one-on-one setting, and those friendships would
hopefully carry over to school. The teachers could probably
suggest boys (or girls) that might be the most compatible with
your son.
Stephanie
My shy 5 year old daughter also had a tough time at preschool.
The second year was better than the first, but if I had to do it
over, I would have put her in a smaller preschool. Here are
some things that have helped us: focus on the positive things
that he likes about school; don't fret too much about his
playing with other kids at school--it shouldn't be a performance
thing. It's ok for your kid to like playing by himself some or
alot as long as he's happy. Ask the teachers to encourage other
kids (occasionally) to come to him and engage him as opposed to
always having him engage others. Have lots of playdates with
kids your child likes. While I frequently felt a bit
disappointed that playdates that went well at home didn't always
transfer to school interactions, it did, I think, give my
daughter some confidence in the area of positive interactions
with another child in a less threatening setting (on her turf).
Find one teacher and one or two children that your child bonds
with and encourage those relationships. Shy kids tend to develop
special relationships with one teacher and one or two kids.
While paying attention to the anxiety your child feels around
social interactions, also don't blow it out of proportion. Many
shy children outgrow it to some degree. Also, check out the
books: the highly sensitive person and ''please understand me''
and check out the INFP learning style to see if this seems to
fit your child. Also, find other group settings such as classes
that your child enjoys to draw friends from.
Mom of a shy kid
April 2003
My shy sweet sensitive three year old boy is having a tough time
at preschool. He is very chatty and outgoing at home, but in
other situations esp outside of the home can be very shy. At
preschool, he is not talking very much at all (a few words a
day) and usually I pick him up, is playing by himself or just
wandering around (by himself). Up until now, he has told me
that he likes school and usually wants to stay when I come to
pick him up, but recently he has become clingy when I drop him
off and last week was holding me and crying. Today, he thought
(incorrectly) he was going to school and almost burst into
tears, saying he wanted to stay home. I'm thinking that he is
feeling very left out. He talks a lot about friends at school,
but he can't name anyone special and i don't see him playing
with any one child. The teachers are very warm and caring, and
there is an excellent teacher/child ration and the program seems
very interesting and stimulating. I guess my question is what
can I do to help my very shy child deal with school? Can anyone
recommend some books? And although it is a very good school, in
the back of my mind, I'm thinking something very small (like 5
kids) and preferably diverse would be better.
Thanks
anon
Maybe you could try having playdates outside of school with some
of your son's classmates. It might be easier for him to form
friendships in a one-on-one setting, and those friendships would
hopefully carry over to school. The teachers could probably
suggest boys (or girls) that might be the most compatible with
your son.
Stephanie
My shy 5 year old daughter also had a tough time at preschool.
The second year was better than the first, but if I had to do it
over, I would have put her in a smaller preschool. Here are
some things that have helped us: focus on the positive things
that he likes about school; don't fret too much about his
playing with other kids at school--it shouldn't be a performance
thing. It's ok for your kid to like playing by himself some or
alot as long as he's happy. Ask the teachers to encourage other
kids (occasionally) to come to him and engage him as opposed to
always having him engage others. Have lots of playdates with
kids your child likes. While I frequently felt a bit
disappointed that playdates that went well at home didn't always
transfer to school interactions, it did, I think, give my
daughter some confidence in the area of positive interactions
with another child in a less threatening setting (on her turf).
Find one teacher and one or two children that your child bonds
with and encourage those relationships. Shy kids tend to develop
special relationships with one teacher and one or two kids.
While paying attention to the anxiety your child feels around
social interactions, also don't blow it out of proportion. Many
shy children outgrow it to some degree. Also, check out the
books: the highly sensitive person and ''please understand me''
and check out the INFP learning style to see if this seems to
fit your child. Also, find other group settings such as classes
that your child enjoys to draw friends from.
Mom of a shy kid
December 2002
My 3 1/2 yr old daughter is so extremely shy that it's starting to worry me.
Once
she feels comfortable she is very outgoing and has no problems making friends
or
interacting socially. The problem is whenever we arrive someplace new or
people come
over she hides and becomes mute - sometimes for 5 minutes or up to 2 hrs!
Last
weekend, some friends came over and she buried herself face down in the couch
and
when I went to check on her she was sweating she was so worried/scared. Even
if her
grandparents or playmates come over she acts shy for a little while. I'm
convinced
it's all a big act but I don't know how to deal with it. We're always telling
people
that ask what's wrong ''oh, she's just shy.'' I don't know whether it's
better to
ignore her act or try some other approach. fyi - we just moved here and she's
had a
lot of adjustments but also exhibited this behavior before we moved - now it's
worse. Any ideas/advice would be welcomed.
Monica
I would believe your daughter that she is really anxious around
these situations. She's not putting on an act. The fact that
your daughter eventually warms up makes me think she does not
have a social phobia called Selective Mutism, where children (in
different degrees) usually don't talk to certain people (and
never warm up). My son, now 7 1/2 was also extremely shy at 3
and 4. I figured out at that time that he does have Selective
Mutism. He would cling to me for hours, depending on the
situation, and then usually warm up at the end of the event, and
then be fine. If people were visiting us, he would hide behind
me or stay out of the room. If anyone talked to him he would
totally shut down and withdraw.
Now, at 7 1/2 his warm up time is much less, he talks and warms
up to most kids pretty quickly, still only speaks to a few
adults, but he's much more relaxed.
Whether your daughter has SM or is just extremely shy, chances
are (usually), that she will grow out of it. What you can do to
help her is not pressure her, but also not make it easy for her
not to speak. Find ways to let her know she's safe, but
encourage her to talk to people. Also, depending on the person,
their interaction with her should be that they have no
expectations from her and it's OK not to speak. Maybe she could
sit on your lap next time this situation arises so you could
talk softly to her and let her know it's OK. Rather than
excusing her by saying ''She's shy'', when someone talks to her
you could ask if her she'd like to answer. If she doesn't, say
to the person ''I guess not today''. Above all, don't pressure
her, it makes the anxiety worse.
Some things we do with our son which have helped, if someone
hands him something and he won't take it (candy, etc), he
doesn't get to have it, rather than me taking it and then giving
it to him. Also he used to whisper to us when a person he didn't
talk to was present. We told him he had to talk in a normal boy
voice that he coudln't whisper. Now he doesn't whisper anymore,
he speaks to us and has gotten so he speaks to us in his regular
voice in most situations.
This may be slightly different than your daughter, but what I
learned is that by the time SM kids are 5 or so, many of these
mute patterns are set because we parents, thinking our children
are just shy, protect them to the point of making it easy and
safe for them not to speak. It's tricky. I'd be happy to talk
to you more about this. Check out the Selective Mutism web site
so you can see the extreme of behaviors and be better able to
diagnose and help your daughter. Good luck.
June
It sounds to me like your 3-year-old is of a temperament type
called ''slow to warm up.'' If you haven't done any reading about
temperament, I can recommend the book ''Raising a Spirited
Child.'' Being slow to warm up is not an act, some children just
take time to feel comfortable in their environment. My daughter
was the same way, even going to places she was familiar with
filled with people she knew. It can be tiresome, but forcing her
to separate only makes it worse. I found that it helped to
arrive places early, so she could be there as others arrive; it
seemed to be easier for her than being among the last to arrive.
They do grow out of it as they learn to cope with new
situations. Give her time and patience and don't make it a big
deal, and eventually it will get manageable. And remember, this
is not an entirely bad thing. Hanging back, assessing the
situation, and waiting before jumping in can be very useful in
later life.
alice
Shyness is generally ''acting'' in a way - it gets reinforced by
all the attention shy kids get when adults try to coax them out
of it. It can help to practice ordinary social situations,
pretending to be and meet different people. Also to tell
people ''she'll take a minute to warm up, so we'll wait till
she's ready''and turn off the attention.
fiona
Your daughter's behavior may be partially attention-seeking, but
she also may need extra support from you in various settings.
What I found worked for my son was to switch from using the term
shy, to saying he was ''slow to warm up.'' This meant that he may
feel shy at times, but when he was ready, he could join in. Your
daughter may need you to be on her side, saying ''she will watch
for a while and stay by my side.'' I well remember the frustration
of having a 2 hour playdate, and never having my son join in. Now
as a 7 year old, he still watches for a bit before joining in, but
I notice that at times, he never joins in and it seems to be
because the chemistry is not right with the other child. I
recommend learning more about temperaments.
jen
My daughter, now 7, sounds just like yours at that age. I
realized she wasn't ''shy'', but slow to warm. Yes, eventually
they get in there in their own time. By the time she was 5 and
6 she really blossomed. I didn't want to label her shy (it's a
long story), so I told people in a kind and clear way ''just give
her a little time and she'll play when she's ready'' and tried
hard not to give it too much enery after that. I also tried not
to be so judgemental of my own child. It simply was who she
was. My second child is quite the opposite and just gets in
there, so I knew it was just my first childs temperment. I did
notice that changes (like in moving) make things worse for a
while. Be patient and understanding. Ask her before a social
situation occurs if there is anything you can do to support or
help her.
Anon
March 2004
My son is very shy and after two years in preschool has not made a single
friend. I have tried arriving early to pick him up to facilitate him playing with
other kids and I have tried individual playdates, but nothing seems to work.
The whole time, he continuously states that he doesn't want to go to school,
but wants to stay home with me. Lately, I have observed very cliquey
behaviour by the other boys, that excludes my son. He gets sand dumped on
him and toys taken away, and because of his personality, doesn't say anything.
Should I even keep him in school? Every time I pick him up, he is by himself.
He is experiencing all the negatives of group play and not learning how to
socialize at all. I feel like pulling him out right now and maybe trying a
different school next year.
anon
Please consider taking your son out of that preschool right away and trying to
find a more friendly and supportive one. Two years is too long to go without
making any friends. We had an experience at a preschool that didn't seem to
be working for our child and took her out after 2 months, and I now feel that
we waited too long. By that time it seemed like her whole personality had
changed, but after a few months she was back to her happy outgoing self. I
have talked with other parents (my brother, friends) who say that they regret
not taking their child out of a preschool where they didn't seem to be happy. I
think any place that allowed the kind of mean and cliquish behavior you
describe to go on without intervention is not a very supportive environment for
your child.
Good luck!
Move your son out of that preschool tomorrow. It's a toxic
environment.
My son had a similar situation in 3rd grade, and when we moved
him to a new school he began to flourish. I think of it now as
like a plant that was growing in bad soil and its' growth was
becoming weak and twisted, then when repotted in fertile soil
began to grow strong and healthy. I feel guilt that I was not
able to see the harmful culture (for all the kids, no matter what
their stauts) of the place and regret that I didn't move him sooner.
Good luck.
mom who learned the hard way
i would definitely make a visit to your son's preschool during
school hours to observe how effectively the teachers help
facilitate your son's friendships. do they tactfully and gently
try to bring him together with other children with similar
interests and energy levels when they are playing on their own
(more appropriate than asking a group of children to
simultaneously be accepting of a new friend)? i would hope they
would if they are aware of your concern for him right now. or
do they let him play on his own? is your son truly sad about
not having a ''friend'' or is this more your issue? are the
teachers aware of your concerns? they can be most helpful.
however, at the same time, i think it is important for teachers
to respect the delicate nature of other childrens' budding (and
possibly first) friendships in the preschool setting. sometimes
it may seem ''cliquish'' but nobody cannot insist that all
children be accepted into all groups at all times. with all
said, i am willing to bet that there are definitely periods when
other children truly enjoy your son's company and are playing
with him. not all kids in preschool have a ''best'' friend, and
if it appears so, many ''friendships'' are based on parental
friendships, carpool arrangements, etc.
it is possible that there truly isn't a child with a similar
age, temperament AND interest as your son, especially if your
preschool is small. i've noticed at my son's school, the 5 year
old boys play together and the newer 3 and 4 year old boys play
together. and then within the age groupings, they sort of
gravitate to others with similar activity levels for the most
part. i truly believe learning how to play with other children
is an important skill for a preschooler to enjoy by the end of
his 2-3 years there. at the same time, i believe there are kids
who naturally prefer to play solo for the majority of the day
and may enjoy the company of a friend or the class as a group
only from time to time. good luck! i hope this has been
helpful to you.
fellow preschool mom
May 2003
I am interested in hearing from parents of children who have
had to work through the shy vs socially immature dilemma. My
soon to be 4 year old daughter has always been shy. Now nearly
a year into pre-school she has still not made any strong
connection with her peers, speaks little to anyone at school.
We are already debating the merits of having her start
kindergarten at 6 years old (she was born in July). But we are
concerned that her personality maybe just a shy one that won't
really change no matter how many years we delay her entrance
into Kindergarten.
She is outgoing at home with her 5 year old sister.
Independent, focusses easily on tasks (esp. art) and smart.
We are not concerned that she has a shy personality but we are
concerned about making the best choices for her so that she
will have a better chance of success in the school social
environment. How do you know whether it's shyness or social
immaturity? Does holding a shy child back really make a
difference or not?
Thanks for any insights.
anon for my child's sake
This weeks's posting had several inquiries about preschoolers
being shy or reserved and parents wondering about how to help
them develop friendships, etc. My first stop would be a
conversation with the preschool teacher to check in on your
child developmentally, and if the climate in the preschool is
appropriate for your child, and if the teachers are
understanding of the social challenges your child faces.
I think it is really important for the parents to feel
confident that the teacher understands the different shades of
shyness and being reserved and can help children broker
friendships and navigate the negotiations and social
interaction of playtime. My child was/is a little shy, ''slow to
warm up''. Her preschool teacher facilitated the kids making
friends and helped negotiate the boudaries. She considered that
one of the biggest parts of her work. Her biggest advice to
kids was not to ask permission of other kids to play...just
join in...just do what they do (and let the teacher set the
rules). Plus, our brief exchanges in the morning or at pickup
time helped me understand when to ''be there for her'' and when
to expect more of her, and to understand that the child needs
to find ways to make connections that are right for him. We
didn't always get it right, but the teacher's insights were so
valuable for us. I am so glad we had this preschool teacher.
Also, it helps to be confident and to know that your child will
outgrow some of this.
An extra year of preschool may be the right choice, especially
if the teacher is sensitive to the child's developmental needs.
As for the parent wondering about play dates....the first
couple of play dates, I did stay at the house or we arranged
play dates at the park. One of my daughter's friends preferred
to come to our house and my daughter didn't want to go to other
people's houses, so that was a fine match. Her parents stayed
sometimes. Have tea or coffee, it is a nice time to get to
know each other, if you have the time. Only one time did my
child have a playdate at another child's house, where I stayed
and I knew it didn't work for them that I was there...too much
of an intrusion. I could totally understand and we didn't do
play dates unless that child came to our house. Most parents
were very understanding. Gradually, a handful of friendships
developed so that the parents knew my child would transition to
play readiness in a short time. It was good for my child to be
a friend's house and in the safe care of another adult. We got
to the point where we could do a drop off with a brief
conversation of the parents...kids go play, be back later.
Sometimes it was tedious and a crunch on my time, but in
retrospect, the time passes so quickly, the ''investment'' of
time was worth it.
Been there
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