Berkeley Parents Network: Shyness in Preschoolers

Berkeley Parents Network

Shyness in Preschoolers

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Preschool-aged Kids > Shyness in Preschoolers

Introverted 3-year-old

December 2004

Hi! I have a three year old boy who is quite shy and introverted. He refuses to talk to anyone he doesn't know well and won't participate in anything unless I am with him. I started him in preschool this year and it took several months to get him to be ok without me around. However, we went to the doctor today and he freaked out - screaming, kicking, a real mess. He is rarely away from him mom and dad and goes with his sister to the same dr all the time. I was hoping for some advise from parents who also have very shy, introverted preschoolers. I am a very outgoing person so it is difficult for me to understand what he is going through. I try so hard to prepare him for what we are doing/where we are going but he still often has a hard time. I just want him to grow up happy and healthy regardless of his shyness.. Any thoughts?

My son was incredibly shy as a three year old, and very outgoing and rambunctious as a four year old. I think it is a mormal developmental stage - I would just give it some time and try to tolerate the frustration. been there

Shy 3 year old having a tough time at preschool

April 2003

My shy sweet sensitive three year old boy is having a tough time at preschool. He is very chatty and outgoing at home, but in other situations esp outside of the home can be very shy. At preschool, he is not talking very much at all (a few words a day) and usually I pick him up, is playing by himself or just wandering around (by himself). Up until now, he has told me that he likes school and usually wants to stay when I come to pick him up, but recently he has become clingy when I drop him off and last week was holding me and crying. Today, he thought (incorrectly) he was going to school and almost burst into tears, saying he wanted to stay home. I'm thinking that he is feeling very left out. He talks a lot about friends at school, but he can't name anyone special and i don't see him playing with any one child. The teachers are very warm and caring, and there is an excellent teacher/child ration and the program seems very interesting and stimulating. I guess my question is what can I do to help my very shy child deal with school? Can anyone recommend some books? And although it is a very good school, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking something very small (like 5 kids) and preferably diverse would be better. Thanks anon

Maybe you could try having playdates outside of school with some of your son's classmates. It might be easier for him to form friendships in a one-on-one setting, and those friendships would hopefully carry over to school. The teachers could probably suggest boys (or girls) that might be the most compatible with your son. Stephanie

My shy 5 year old daughter also had a tough time at preschool. The second year was better than the first, but if I had to do it over, I would have put her in a smaller preschool. Here are some things that have helped us: focus on the positive things that he likes about school; don't fret too much about his playing with other kids at school--it shouldn't be a performance thing. It's ok for your kid to like playing by himself some or alot as long as he's happy. Ask the teachers to encourage other kids (occasionally) to come to him and engage him as opposed to always having him engage others. Have lots of playdates with kids your child likes. While I frequently felt a bit disappointed that playdates that went well at home didn't always transfer to school interactions, it did, I think, give my daughter some confidence in the area of positive interactions with another child in a less threatening setting (on her turf). Find one teacher and one or two children that your child bonds with and encourage those relationships. Shy kids tend to develop special relationships with one teacher and one or two kids. While paying attention to the anxiety your child feels around social interactions, also don't blow it out of proportion. Many shy children outgrow it to some degree. Also, check out the books: the highly sensitive person and ''please understand me'' and check out the INFP learning style to see if this seems to fit your child. Also, find other group settings such as classes that your child enjoys to draw friends from. Mom of a shy kid

Shy 3 yr old worries me

December 2002

My 3 1/2 yr old daughter is so extremely shy that it's starting to worry me. Once she feels comfortable she is very outgoing and has no problems making friends or interacting socially. The problem is whenever we arrive someplace new or people come over she hides and becomes mute - sometimes for 5 minutes or up to 2 hrs! Last weekend, some friends came over and she buried herself face down in the couch and when I went to check on her she was sweating she was so worried/scared. Even if her grandparents or playmates come over she acts shy for a little while. I'm convinced it's all a big act but I don't know how to deal with it. We're always telling people that ask what's wrong ''oh, she's just shy.'' I don't know whether it's better to ignore her act or try some other approach. fyi - we just moved here and she's had a lot of adjustments but also exhibited this behavior before we moved - now it's worse. Any ideas/advice would be welcomed. Monica

I would believe your daughter that she is really anxious around these situations. She's not putting on an act. The fact that your daughter eventually warms up makes me think she does not have a social phobia called Selective Mutism, where children (in different degrees) usually don't talk to certain people (and never warm up). My son, now 7 1/2 was also extremely shy at 3 and 4. I figured out at that time that he does have Selective Mutism. He would cling to me for hours, depending on the situation, and then usually warm up at the end of the event, and then be fine. If people were visiting us, he would hide behind me or stay out of the room. If anyone talked to him he would totally shut down and withdraw. Now, at 7 1/2 his warm up time is much less, he talks and warms up to most kids pretty quickly, still only speaks to a few adults, but he's much more relaxed. Whether your daughter has SM or is just extremely shy, chances are (usually), that she will grow out of it. What you can do to help her is not pressure her, but also not make it easy for her not to speak. Find ways to let her know she's safe, but encourage her to talk to people. Also, depending on the person, their interaction with her should be that they have no expectations from her and it's OK not to speak. Maybe she could sit on your lap next time this situation arises so you could talk softly to her and let her know it's OK. Rather than excusing her by saying ''She's shy'', when someone talks to her you could ask if her she'd like to answer. If she doesn't, say to the person ''I guess not today''. Above all, don't pressure her, it makes the anxiety worse. Some things we do with our son which have helped, if someone hands him something and he won't take it (candy, etc), he doesn't get to have it, rather than me taking it and then giving it to him. Also he used to whisper to us when a person he didn't talk to was present. We told him he had to talk in a normal boy voice that he coudln't whisper. Now he doesn't whisper anymore, he speaks to us and has gotten so he speaks to us in his regular voice in most situations. This may be slightly different than your daughter, but what I learned is that by the time SM kids are 5 or so, many of these mute patterns are set because we parents, thinking our children are just shy, protect them to the point of making it easy and safe for them not to speak. It's tricky. I'd be happy to talk to you more about this. Check out the Selective Mutism web site so you can see the extreme of behaviors and be better able to diagnose and help your daughter. Good luck. June

It sounds to me like your 3-year-old is of a temperament type called ''slow to warm up.'' If you haven't done any reading about temperament, I can recommend the book ''Raising a Spirited Child.'' Being slow to warm up is not an act, some children just take time to feel comfortable in their environment. My daughter was the same way, even going to places she was familiar with filled with people she knew. It can be tiresome, but forcing her to separate only makes it worse. I found that it helped to arrive places early, so she could be there as others arrive; it seemed to be easier for her than being among the last to arrive. They do grow out of it as they learn to cope with new situations. Give her time and patience and don't make it a big deal, and eventually it will get manageable. And remember, this is not an entirely bad thing. Hanging back, assessing the situation, and waiting before jumping in can be very useful in later life. alice

Shyness is generally ''acting'' in a way - it gets reinforced by all the attention shy kids get when adults try to coax them out of it. It can help to practice ordinary social situations, pretending to be and meet different people. Also to tell people ''she'll take a minute to warm up, so we'll wait till she's ready''and turn off the attention. fiona

Your daughter's behavior may be partially attention-seeking, but she also may need extra support from you in various settings. What I found worked for my son was to switch from using the term shy, to saying he was ''slow to warm up.'' This meant that he may feel shy at times, but when he was ready, he could join in. Your daughter may need you to be on her side, saying ''she will watch for a while and stay by my side.'' I well remember the frustration of having a 2 hour playdate, and never having my son join in. Now as a 7 year old, he still watches for a bit before joining in, but I notice that at times, he never joins in and it seems to be because the chemistry is not right with the other child. I recommend learning more about temperaments. jen

My daughter, now 7, sounds just like yours at that age. I realized she wasn't ''shy'', but slow to warm. Yes, eventually they get in there in their own time. By the time she was 5 and 6 she really blossomed. I didn't want to label her shy (it's a long story), so I told people in a kind and clear way ''just give her a little time and she'll play when she's ready'' and tried hard not to give it too much enery after that. I also tried not to be so judgemental of my own child. It simply was who she was. My second child is quite the opposite and just gets in there, so I knew it was just my first childs temperment. I did notice that changes (like in moving) make things worse for a while. Be patient and understanding. Ask her before a social situation occurs if there is anything you can do to support or help her. Anon

Shy child and cliques at preschool

March 2004

My son is very shy and after two years in preschool has not made a single friend. I have tried arriving early to pick him up to facilitate him playing with other kids and I have tried individual playdates, but nothing seems to work. The whole time, he continuously states that he doesn't want to go to school, but wants to stay home with me. Lately, I have observed very cliquey behaviour by the other boys, that excludes my son. He gets sand dumped on him and toys taken away, and because of his personality, doesn't say anything. Should I even keep him in school? Every time I pick him up, he is by himself. He is experiencing all the negatives of group play and not learning how to socialize at all. I feel like pulling him out right now and maybe trying a different school next year. anon

Please consider taking your son out of that preschool right away and trying to find a more friendly and supportive one. Two years is too long to go without making any friends. We had an experience at a preschool that didn't seem to be working for our child and took her out after 2 months, and I now feel that we waited too long. By that time it seemed like her whole personality had changed, but after a few months she was back to her happy outgoing self. I have talked with other parents (my brother, friends) who say that they regret not taking their child out of a preschool where they didn't seem to be happy. I think any place that allowed the kind of mean and cliquish behavior you describe to go on without intervention is not a very supportive environment for your child. Good luck!

Move your son out of that preschool tomorrow. It's a toxic environment. My son had a similar situation in 3rd grade, and when we moved him to a new school he began to flourish. I think of it now as like a plant that was growing in bad soil and its' growth was becoming weak and twisted, then when repotted in fertile soil began to grow strong and healthy. I feel guilt that I was not able to see the harmful culture (for all the kids, no matter what their stauts) of the place and regret that I didn't move him sooner. Good luck. mom who learned the hard way

i would definitely make a visit to your son's preschool during school hours to observe how effectively the teachers help facilitate your son's friendships. do they tactfully and gently try to bring him together with other children with similar interests and energy levels when they are playing on their own (more appropriate than asking a group of children to simultaneously be accepting of a new friend)? i would hope they would if they are aware of your concern for him right now. or do they let him play on his own? is your son truly sad about not having a ''friend'' or is this more your issue? are the teachers aware of your concerns? they can be most helpful. however, at the same time, i think it is important for teachers to respect the delicate nature of other childrens' budding (and possibly first) friendships in the preschool setting. sometimes it may seem ''cliquish'' but nobody cannot insist that all children be accepted into all groups at all times. with all said, i am willing to bet that there are definitely periods when other children truly enjoy your son's company and are playing with him. not all kids in preschool have a ''best'' friend, and if it appears so, many ''friendships'' are based on parental friendships, carpool arrangements, etc.

it is possible that there truly isn't a child with a similar age, temperament AND interest as your son, especially if your preschool is small. i've noticed at my son's school, the 5 year old boys play together and the newer 3 and 4 year old boys play together. and then within the age groupings, they sort of gravitate to others with similar activity levels for the most part. i truly believe learning how to play with other children is an important skill for a preschooler to enjoy by the end of his 2-3 years there. at the same time, i believe there are kids who naturally prefer to play solo for the majority of the day and may enjoy the company of a friend or the class as a group only from time to time. good luck! i hope this has been helpful to you. fellow preschool mom

Is 4-year-old shy or socially immature?

May 2003

I am interested in hearing from parents of children who have had to work through the shy vs socially immature dilemma. My soon to be 4 year old daughter has always been shy. Now nearly a year into pre-school she has still not made any strong connection with her peers, speaks little to anyone at school. We are already debating the merits of having her start kindergarten at 6 years old (she was born in July). But we are concerned that her personality maybe just a shy one that won't really change no matter how many years we delay her entrance into Kindergarten. She is outgoing at home with her 5 year old sister. Independent, focusses easily on tasks (esp. art) and smart. We are not concerned that she has a shy personality but we are concerned about making the best choices for her so that she will have a better chance of success in the school social environment. How do you know whether it's shyness or social immaturity? Does holding a shy child back really make a difference or not? Thanks for any insights. anon for my child's sake

This weeks's posting had several inquiries about preschoolers being shy or reserved and parents wondering about how to help them develop friendships, etc. My first stop would be a conversation with the preschool teacher to check in on your child developmentally, and if the climate in the preschool is appropriate for your child, and if the teachers are understanding of the social challenges your child faces. I think it is really important for the parents to feel confident that the teacher understands the different shades of shyness and being reserved and can help children broker friendships and navigate the negotiations and social interaction of playtime. My child was/is a little shy, ''slow to warm up''. Her preschool teacher facilitated the kids making friends and helped negotiate the boudaries. She considered that one of the biggest parts of her work. Her biggest advice to kids was not to ask permission of other kids to play...just join in...just do what they do (and let the teacher set the rules). Plus, our brief exchanges in the morning or at pickup time helped me understand when to ''be there for her'' and when to expect more of her, and to understand that the child needs to find ways to make connections that are right for him. We didn't always get it right, but the teacher's insights were so valuable for us. I am so glad we had this preschool teacher. Also, it helps to be confident and to know that your child will outgrow some of this.

An extra year of preschool may be the right choice, especially if the teacher is sensitive to the child's developmental needs.

As for the parent wondering about play dates....the first couple of play dates, I did stay at the house or we arranged play dates at the park. One of my daughter's friends preferred to come to our house and my daughter didn't want to go to other people's houses, so that was a fine match. Her parents stayed sometimes. Have tea or coffee, it is a nice time to get to know each other, if you have the time. Only one time did my child have a playdate at another child's house, where I stayed and I knew it didn't work for them that I was there...too much of an intrusion. I could totally understand and we didn't do play dates unless that child came to our house. Most parents were very understanding. Gradually, a handful of friendships developed so that the parents knew my child would transition to play readiness in a short time. It was good for my child to be a friend's house and in the safe care of another adult. We got to the point where we could do a drop off with a brief conversation of the parents...kids go play, be back later.

Sometimes it was tedious and a crunch on my time, but in retrospect, the time passes so quickly, the ''investment'' of time was worth it. Been there

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