Berkeley Parents Network: Preschoolers' Friends & Socializing

Berkeley Parents Network

Preschoolers' Friends & Socializing

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Preschool-aged Kids > Preschoolers' Friends & Socializing

How to Make Friends in Preschool
See also: Bullying & Teasing
See also: Shyness & Socializing
See also: Son's aggressive 4-year-old friend
Related page: Play Dates

How to Make Friends in Preschool

May 2003

My daughter is almost 4, and has been in preschool for almost a year. She attends five mornings a week. Although she enjoys the activities and teachers at preschool, and plays casually with the other children, she doesn't really have any preschool friends. I attribute this partly to the situation that when she joined the school, all the other girls were already in a very tight clique, and she was the only new one. She is also the youngest girl in the school, and there is only one boy younger. My heart breaks when she says she doesn't have any friends. (I do point out a couple friends she has out of school.) I keep her in this school because she does like to go, and I think changing would just create the same situation of being the new one.

I've tried encouraging her to play with the other girls and boys. I've called the parents of a couple of the other girls to try to set up playdates, but they have been unresponsive, and no one has ever asked me. I could call again, but I don't know if it's even polite to keep asking. Maybe it's just an organizational issue, or maybe their children don't want to play with her. (Or maybe I'm the problem?)

Several new children, both girls and boys, are starting at the beginning of July. Is there any way to coach her on how to make friend with these new kids? I remember my mother trying to give me advice on how to make friends when I was a child, and though I couldn't tell her at the time, it was seemed totally impractical because it didn't acknowledge the whole social landscape of my peers. I don't want to give that kind of advice. Also I didn't have many friends as a child, so I don't know what to tell her.

I'm seeking advice from people who were more socially adept children, or anyone with any insight. Seeking Friends

Often older kids (and they don't have to be that much older) just zone out on younger ones who just cannot keep up socially. They also have their established friends and patterns of play and for a lot of children it can be difficult to make the adjustment to include a new person.I would try and make playdates with the new incoming crowd who might be more around her age and social maturation level. The incoming mom's are more likely to be receptive as they will in most cases want to encourage and support friendships for their children in their new school. Good Luck

I'm sure your situation is similar to many other moms. I have found it difficult to 'break the ice' with other parents and so far have only been relatively successful. Like you, i don't know if it's the parents, or me, or my daughter. I am a little shy though i don't think people would usually think that of me. I think maybe it's just that it takes a certain amount of persistance and an ability to not feel 'put out' if you don't get the response that you would like. I have found that it's sometimes easier getting my own daughter playtime with the boys in her preschool as they haven't 'yet' formed those tight cliques that you described. You might also try helping out with any sort of extracurricular activities that your daughters school does. I know having school picnics and potlucks where all the parents are involved and able to socialize is a great way to meet the other parents and suggest 'again' those playdates for your daughter and other children. best of luck to you...

Why not just you yourself immediately get friendly with the new parents and invite them and their children over for a few playdates? I'm doubtful that any kind of coaching will help a 4 year old make friends....just show her by example and set up a situation where she can interact one-on-one with them. If the parents are very busy, you can also just offer to host the playdate yourself. Playdates really helped our daughter alot at age 4.

That being said, our daughter also had trouble making friends at preschool at age 4. Switching preschools did it for us we found better teachers more able to facilitate kids' interactions, friendlier families eager for playdates, and more compatible kids. Or maybe she was just suddenly ready. So you might want to consider it, especially as lots of places will be starting up again anew in the fall. Karen

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