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Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Pregnancy & Childbirth > Terminating a Pregnancy



Healing + courage after terminating a pregnancy

Nov 2007

I recently terminated a pregnancy at 13 weeks due to major chromosomal abnormalities. This has been a tough time for me and I am looking for ways to heal physically and mentally. I've seen a therapist several times which has been good, but I'm looking for something more holistic. Since I was sick for most of the pregnancy I also feel depleated nutritionally. I would love any suggestions (yoga, books, body work and treatments, meditation, retreats, practitioners names, etc). I'm in SF and any resources there or close by would be helpful. I am also looking for ways to build up my confidence and optimism about conceiving in the future. I have been blessed with a wonderful, healthy toddler and there is no history of chromosomal abnormalities in either of our family trees but I am quite scared of the future. I've put off testing to see if either my husband or I are carries of a DNA abnormality but at some point I have to face it. We really want another child. I would love to hear from anyone who has faced something similar and how they got the courage to try again. I'm not optimistic by nature but this experience is forcing me to rethink my outlook on life... hoping to heal


I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost several pregnancies, one in the second trimester and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I found the book A Silent Sorry by Ingrid Kohn to be a big help. For me, it also helped a lot to talk about it with people I trust, instead of keeping it a secret or taboo. I don't know if you ever ''get over'' something like this - It certainly changed me forever. But time does help and so does giving yourself the time and space to mourn. It's important. For us, we had to shift gears and stop trying to get pregnant for awhile. It took me over a year to recover and I can still feel the pain sometimes. My advice is to be kind to yourself. What you're going through is probably going to hurt for some time, but it does get better. It's life, and it's wonderful and wrong, and all sorts of things, you just do your best. Sorry for your loss
Give yourself time to heal emotionally. If you are like most people, there will be a day in the not so distant future where you won't be consumed with either sadness, fear or anxiety. By all means, try again! The success of a subsequent pregnancy will make you feel a lot better about the past situation. I too had a similar thing with my second pregnancy (although it wasn't a genetic problem, so I can't speak to those issues), but once I eventually had my second (healthy) child, the pain of the past was truly behind me. Go for it! Been there too!
I am very sorry about your loss. For me, undertaking a subsequent pregnancy after pregnancy loss was both terrifying and healing. I have a couple of recommendations for you...

1) there are two books that I found to be very helpful. I read these whenever I was feeling scared.

Lanham, Carol "Pregnancy after Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death." 1999

Douglas, Ann and Sussman, John "Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss." 2000

2) there is a wonderful online group called SPALS (Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss www.spals.com)This group is made up of women and men who have experienced pregnancy loss and infant death and are in various stages of trying again. There are many people who are trying to get pregnant, many who are pregnant, and many who are done with this journey.

3) If you are looking for a therapist - I recommend Kim Kluger- Bell. She is in Berkeley and specializes in issues related to pregnancy loss and has written a great book on the subject. She was a terrific support to me through a subsequent pregnancy.

I hope you find peace and comfort on your journey through this process. Been There Too


I feel for you. I've also suffered 2 miscarriages (one in the second trimester last year and the most recent - last week at 10.5 weeks). I also have a toddler and I'm 42. You are unlikely to be carrying anything, although testing will only give you more information. My thoughts are with you, I know it is a hard road healing from a loss. Try some restorative yoga, maybe a loss support group, or some acupuncture ( a good acupuncturist can recommend some healing herbs/diet)? Good luck. susan
You said you feel nutritionally depleted. We should be eating healthily at all times, but even more so under duress, because it provides us the physical strength and hormonal balance necessary to cope. Consider metabolic testing. It's usually $100 or so. They test your blood and let you know where you have deficiencies and you can work from there. Feed yourself wholesome, solid, balanced meals. Don't let yourself skip on it - many lose interest in food during grief. But you must force yourself to eat good stuff that brings you both satiety and health.

Make your physical health your number one priority. Just balancing your hormones could help tremendously with mood.

Also relaxing baths with epsom salts (which allows the skin to absorb needed minerals). If you can put essential oils that smell nice to you in your baths too, all the better - any oil that appeals is good, but a few oil ideas: rosemary is good for the hope to carry on. Grapefruit is good for depression and loving yourself. Clary Sage is good when it's hard to let go of the past.

While doing all these things, get yourself a $10 Sweet Chestnut flower essence from the health food store. This works subtly on the emotional level, and ''brings optimism and peace of mind when anguish overwhelms you and you can't find a way out''. I found it soothing during periods of loss, but note, it doesn't cure you. It simply provides support to help you get to the next step. Hope you feel better


I have been thru this twice, at 18 weeks and at 13 weeks. Healing is slow but it does happen. Get your chromosones tested as soon as you feel up to it - more than likely, they are normal (especially if you have a healthy child and don't have a history of reoccuring miscarriage). there used to be a support group run by CPMC - not sure if they still have it. There is a great one thru Kaiser Oakland that is open to non Kaiser members - I know many women who have travelled many miles to attend. I also recomend the A Heartbreaking Choice list (google it)-- its a moderated email list-serve (I think thats what its called). I was very very skeptical and turned out that I connected with about 8 women from the bay area -- we have been thru so much together and they ''get it'' like no one else. We used to meet regularly for lunch & still connect even tho some have moved out of state.

I would not have survived without accupuncture & regular exercise. My accupuncturist prescribed herbs for anexity & depression, to help me sleep & eventually to help me try to get pregnant again. I cried alot in accupuncture -- it helped that I knew her before the losses.

Many women who have been thru this have talked about knowing when you are ready - and what I have heard the most is that when the fear of another loss is less than the fear of not having another child, you are ready. And subsequent pregnancies are very challenging - another place the Heartbreaking Choice lists come in very handy for support. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Take care


I am so sorry for you loss. After I lost my first pregnancy a friend told me (who had also had a loss), ''If I hadn't lost that pregnancy, I wouldn't know my daughter. And she has changed everything. I am thankful for her every day.'' That conversation gave me hope. And after my daughter arrived, I now completely understand what my friend was saying, I wouldn't be myself without my daughter. My purpose on Earth is to be my daughter's mother. It was hard for me to see that in the days after my miscarriage, but that concept did help to change the way I saw things.

Take care of yourself. I went back to work way too fast. There were days dealing with the parking lot at the grocery store was overwhelming. Go home and cuddle up with a book. Do acupuncture. That was the most therapeutic advice my body needed. It balanced my hormones and made my body feel like me again. I love Katie Mink at the Bancroft Center for Chinese Medicine. The books listed in previous postings were good. Get hugs from little arms. Spend time with the little people in your life: nieces, nephews, godchildren, etc.... Those hugs are good medicine. Again, I am sorry for your loss. Julia


Had abortion- no relief; only remorse

Dec 2006

i had an abortion 5 days ago and am feeling very, very remorseful and sad. even though i am pro-choice, i believed at the time and after much discussion with my husband, that terminating this pregnancy was the right thing to do. we have 2 lovely children, and i have talked about a 3rd. but we also have a baby and i think a new baby would have overwhelmed all of us. i find myself tearful much of the time, can't be alone without obsessing about what i did to my poor baby, and just plain bummed out. i wonder, did it feel pain? did it have a soul? will i always feel so sad about this baby? and now i also find myself consumed with planning on when i would have a 3rd. i know that i am grieving and probably need therapy (never gone). are there any women out there who had children, chose to have an abortion and then went on to have more children? any good therapists to recommend? sad mom


Call the Exhale hotline right away. This is what they're there for. It's going to be OK. http://www.4exhale.org/
An abortion provider
What you're feeling is normal----very sad, remorseful. Remember, though, that you made that choice because you're a responsible parent who wanted to make sure your two existing children received the attention and support they're entitled to, as well as ease any blows to the marriage from the stress of the an additional pregnancy and new baby. I had the same experience. Two wonderful little children and I got pregnant with a 3rd. At the time, my second was a terror---- tempermental to the max. It was very demanding, emotionally. I didn't want #2 to become an ignored, middle child and make my future life more miserable, due to lack of attention from child #3. I chose abortion.

After the abortion, I'd cry and regret my choice for the first few weeks, wondering what the aborted fetus, as a child, would had been like. It got better over time----I felt bad occasionally, but reassured myself about why I made that choice. About 2 yrs later I accidentally became pregnant again, but (I'm sure due to the earlier abortion) it ended in a miscarriage. After that I didn't become pregnant again. We have 2 great kids----sometimes I wonder what would've happened with my second child's personality if we had gone ahead and had #3, but we're very happy with two and I think our lives have been a lot more enjoyable and less hectic as a result. We had more money/benefits (travel, classes, tutors) for the 2 than we would've had for 3. I still feel I made the best choice to protect my second child's needs. There will always be a little question about that choice, but if you know why you made it, you can always be sure you did it for the right reason. Just because everyone else is having 3 kids doesn't mean you have to, too. There seems to be a bit of peer pressure/keeping up with the Joneses to have 3 kids. Pro-choice isn't just for non-marrieds


When I had my abortion, I also was very distressed. In retrospect, I think it had a lot to do with hormonal fluctuations. You just had a major hormaonal shock to your system. I would encourage you to talk to an OB about that and see what they say. Please give it time. You are still recovering physically and I am sure you will feel better soon
dear sad mom: reading your post broke my heart! I had an abortion earlier this year-- totally the right decision for our family (we decided long ago to only have one), but it was a hard decision nonetheless & one that brought with it lots of sadness. 5 days is not that long ago-- please give yourself time to grieve; what you are going through sounds like a totally normal reaction. if you would like to talk to a therapist, Kim Kluger- Bell on Solano Ave specilaizes in pregnancy termination & loss (I saw her after a miscarriage & after the abortion). her number is 510 524-1475. also there is an after-abortion hotline called Exhale that Planned Parenthood recommended, though I never called it: 866 439-4253 not sad anymore
I debated whether or not to answer your post, because my situation is a little bit different than yours. I've never had an abortion, but I lost three pregnacies, one when my son was two years old. I know the pain of loss. And if this just happened in your life only five days ago, you are no doubt feeling both physical and emotional loss. It will take your body some time to return to your non-pregnant state, and the hormonal and other physical changes do have an effect on emotions. You will need time. Be kind to yourself.

I'm also concerned by some of your questions about the baby. I think they are completely normal and it's probably a good thing in the long run for you to be thinking about things. When it comes to matters of soul, you are stepping into an area where there are strong beliefs and strong judgements. Take care there.

It might help to realize that there are a wide variety of beliefs in human societies about life and soul. For instance, some systems believe in reincaration, a soul, or spirit, or life force can be born into different lives over the ages. Some religions beleive that a baby's soul or spirit does not come to completely reside in the body until later points in pregancy or even after the child is born. If a pregnancy is lost before those points, the soul or spirit finds another body to merge with.

These ideas won't change what's happened, and probably won't help much in the course of your grief. But I mention them here to offer ways in which you don't have to be so hard on yourself. You made what sounds like a decision for your whole family. However, you are the one who must feel the physical loss deepest. Allow yourself room to grieve. Have a ritual to commemorate the baby's brief time in your life if that sounds like it would help, and allow it to go on. You may never be completely *over* this loss. I still sometimes find myself weeping. But you will return to a sense of balance. For me the greatest help is remembering to be inn the present moment, by focusing on my child , my family and my community. With all my heart, I wish you peace anon


Everything that you are feeling is normal. There is no ''right'' way to feel. There is a great organization called EXHALE which offers free, non-judgemental, confidential phone counseling to women who have had abortions (and their allies). They are ''pro-voice''! If it was 5 days ago or 50 years ago, you still have a right to your complicated feelings and to be listened to and supported. www.4exhale.org info@4exhale.org After-Abortion Talkline: 1-866-4 EXHALE Monday - Friday, 5 p.m. - 10 p.m. Pacific Saturday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 10 p.m. Pacific Counseling available in English, Spanish, Vietnamese, Cantonese, Mandarin and Tagalog. it helps to talk and get support
Oh, sweet lady, I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness. I send many hugs. Please, please, please contact Project Rachel online and by phone. Their purpose is to comfort women in your situation who are grieving. Your aching heart needs the words they have for you. You are a wonderful mom and you did what you thought was best for your family. To be able to best serve your family from now on, you need to heal your mama's heart. Please call them. Their phone # is on their website. stlprojectrachel.org/ Let yourself be comforted so you can comfort your 2 babes
Regarding post-abortion counseling, I noticed two posts recommending anti-abortion organizations, though neither post identified them as such. Those organizations are Project Rachel and First Resort. Anna
My heart is with you. You did a hard thing, made a difficult choice. Neither another child nor an abortion is easy. You're feeling sad and that's okay. Your raging pregnancy hormones are leaving your body. Remember the first two weeks after your children were born? How emotional it was? It's like that again, your hormones have nothing to do but dissipate, which takes a little time. Crying is okay. It helps. I still think about what might have been, but I can only guess and hope and wonder if I still made the right decision to abort, but have to accept that it was the right decision at the time, since that was what I knew at the time. What's so damn hard too is you don't really get to grieve openly about an abortion, like when you miscarry or something. Please find a therapist and talk to your partner too. You both have feelings about this and each other It will be okay
I want to extend my support to you at this time. I can understand the mixed feelings that you are having. Having mixed feelings is very normal yet very confusing. I wanted to recommend Kim Kluger Bell who is a therapist in Albany/Berkeley - her phone is 524-1475. She's written on pregnancy loss through both miscarriage and abortion. Take care of yourself Amy
Sad mom, your posting really struck me. I had an abortion several years ago and although I didn't feel as you are feeling, I certainly can understand how hard it could be. I think you need to dedicate some time to allow yourself to grieve your loss -- it's a sad thing you had to do. That doesn't in any way conflict with your pro-choice conviction, so let yourself fully mourn. I really hope you don't get bombarded with well meaning anti-abortion messages because I think you are already carrying enough feelings of guilt and remorse. It sounds like you are on the right track with seeking out a therapist to help and support you during this time. I hope you find peace and don't beat yourself up for what was a very difficult decision that you genuinely felt was for the best LR
Perhaps you should seek out post-abortion counseling? I know that First Resort offers this, and I believe the cost is very low. You are definitely not alone in allthe feelings you described after having an abortion, and you should definitely find some place to work through and process your experience!
Regarding post-abortion counseling, I noticed two posts recommending anti-abortion organizations, though neither post identified them as such. Those organizations are Project Rachel and First Resort. Anna
Dear Sad Mom, My heart goes out to you. What a difficult decision to make and what a difficult time to have to make it. I think you already know that you made the right choice for your family and that counseling and time will help. I hope that hearing everyone's compassionate responses on BPN helps too.

As a Pro-Choice Pastor I wanted to offer a few thoughts on the baby's soul. I don't know if the unborn have souls from conception or if the acquire them somewhere along the way, but classic Christian thought has always held that the unborn are sinless. If a baby dies in the womb Christians believe that nothing would hinder her from entering paradise.

Three year ago yesterday my mother died. I remember a friend telling me then that at Christmas time heaven comes a little closer to earth and that her journey between places would be swift and sure.

I also remember that December seemed so sad with the days so short and the nights so long. But after Solstice the days started slowly getting longer, just a few minutes at a time. It seemed like a good metaphor for grief. You never get over it, but it does get better. The sun will shine again.

My prayer is that this will happen for you too. I hope that you will feel secure about your baby and that happiness will slowly enter your life again too.

Blessings to you and your family. Call if I can help. Shepherd of the Hills, Berkeley Katie


I'm not in your situation but I felt that I needed to respond because I remember that aching. I have always wanted children. I got pregnant when I was 20 and felt very connected to that child. I new it would be a girl, I knew what she would look like. I was in a stupid relationship and really felt that I had no option but to terminate the pregnancy. I am now in my 30s with a wonderful toddler.

An abortion is a loss and it will take time for you to resolve this loss within yourself. You are grieving and that is to be expected. Many women have ceremonies to honor that loss. I remember praying that I could just get through one day without thinking about it and feeling that pain. I repressed it in my daily life, but I remember crying almost everytime I took a shower. I didn't get therapy until years later and then realized how much it had hurt me emotionally. Therapy will help. But you will still grieve and there will still be times when it is painful. I have realized that it was the right decision for me at the time, but I will always wish that it was a decision that I didn't have to make.

For therapy, I recommend Beverly Parrish in Berkeley. She is a gentle soul and really helped me work through my guilt albeit a few years after the fact.

Best of luck to you anon


In my 40's, with 2 kids, considering abortion

June 2004

I am in the unfortunate situation of being pregnant, in my 40s, with two kids already. I am looking for stories of other parents who decided to terminate a pregnancy due to the fact that their marriage/finances/sheer logistics cannot handle another child. Please do not write to lecture me about abortion--I am in great pain over this decision because emotionally and spiritually I no longer believe in abortion (although I support it politically). We just truly cannot handle another child. I am wondering if other parents have gone through this and felt justified in their decision, essentially, to ''protect'' the existing family by deciding not to carry a third pregnancy through to birth.


I can emphathize with you, I had to make this decision a month ago and I, too, struggled with my spiritual beliefs. I still wonder if we could have made it work, but I didn't know how I could provide for the kids I already have. I do want to warn you, that maybe it's because of age and hormone level, but you will be severely depressed for about two weeks after the procedure. I wasn't prepared for that at all. I still wish I would have given it more thought and relied on my faith. I am sorry you have to make this decision, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It helps if your husband fully supports you, it won't help if he changes his mine later, like mine did, when it was too late. Anonymous
I am so sorry that you have to go through this painful decision, but I commend you in taking consideration all the consequences of bringing another into your family. I beleive it is a wholeheartedly selfless act on your part to want to maintain the preservation of your household and family by not adding to it. Bringing a child into this world should always warrant such consideration--everyone should want their children to be raised in optimal conditions, and if you don't feel that you can provide that for whatever reasons, and I think yours are good ones, I believe you are making the right decision, as difficult as it is. This is why the term is ''Pro-Choice''....so one can weigh all the neccessary factors when deciding to bring another life into this world. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time, but know that you are making the right decision for yourself AND your family. anon
Would you consider carrying the baby to term and giving it up for adoption? As an adoptive mother who was never able to have her own biological child, I can assure you with absolute definitiveness that there are thousands of couples out there who, more than anything else in the world, just want to be parents. I know--I was one of them. With open adoption you can choose who will raise your child and what, if any, contact you would want with the child. I know of women in predicaments such as yours (women who just couldn't raise another one) who have done this and this would be the most giving, selfless act of love to make another person/couple parents. You truly would make someones dream come true. All the best to you in your decision, whatever it may be. the happiest mom in the world
Please run, don't walk to get Sue Nathanson's book, Soul Crisis: One Woman's Journey Through Abortion and Renewal! This is one of the most powerful books I've ever read, and I read it 15 years ago, and I've never been in the situation myself. Sue Nathanson is a local therapist and as good as they get, and she describes her experience with exactly your situation. She got really thrown by the whole thing and writes honestly, movingly, and humbly about her whole process. I think you will find this book very inspiring and helpful! Cynthia
I truly agree with you: it is best not to sacrifice your family's well being, both financial and emotional, with another child. If you think the pregnancy will take a toll too big on your health and life then consider terminating it. Otherwise please consider giving this third child for adoption if it's possible. There are too many families out there longing for a child. This way your child will have a fair chance of being born and leading a happy life. Just my .02. Good luck, no matter what decision you take. understanding you...
I don't know if this will help, but I have a friend who was in exactly the same position. She's a different person, obviously, but she doesn't have any regrets. I think what spurred her on is that whenever she asked her husband to sit down and talk about it, he couldn't find the time. I think she felt that she did what she needed to do to take care of herself and her family. No doubt she (and you) will also end up thinking about this in the future, but that's life. It's sad and difficult sometimes. anon
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are hurting desperately. I have been in the same boat twice myself. Some thoughts:

First, many many women have walked in your shoes. Abortion is not something many women are willing to talk about unless you bring it up first, but you would be surprised what compassion and help people will offer if you risk being open yourself. Second, the most helpful observation I got about this was from someone who'd had the procedure in her 40's, who told me, ''I was hoping that if I just had the procedure, everything in my life would go back to the way things were before I was pregnant. But you can't ever go back to how things were before. Not that you won't be happy again, it's just that things will be different somehow.''

Third, people don't tell you about the strong link between pregnancy and depression. For some of us it can be a much greater problem than post-partum depression. Make sure that you are addressing this issue NOW. Don't wait til after the procedure to seek help.

To help you work through your process and come to terms with your feelings about choosing abortion, I highly recommend Anna Runkle's book ''In Good Conscience''. More info at http://law-books.org/0787941492.html It is currently out of print but can be ordered used through Amazon.com. an anonymous friend


I had an abortion when my first and only daughter was 2.5. ( I was in my early 30s). I thought long and hard about it because I did kind of want another child. BUT my marriage was on the rocks (we split up a year later), he didn't want anymore children, we didn't have very much money, and I was just starting to do some work from home. The circumstances just weren't right! I think that if I had had that child, I would be in the looney bin!! or worse, back living with my mother with my two kids!! It wouldn't have been fair to bring another child into an unhappy and stressful home. I feel like I made the right decision, though not without wondering ''what would she/he have been like?'' My daughter really needed and still does need me to herself. I feel like our children come to us at the RIGHT time. Maybe I'm just trying to justify having the abortion, but that's the decision I made then and the reality of that time justified it. I don't think I was meant to have more than one child and I'm at peace with that. I enjoy my friends kids, my daughters friends, and feel like I have a larger family in that way. Good luck to you in your decision. anon
I found myself in the same situation. I have three kids and truly could not handle or afford another. I too have found myself slightly against abortion and I knew I didn't want to go through it!

I called my doctor who gave me a shot of chemotherapy which stops the cell growths. It has to be done before the 7 week, so I hope it's not too late. Also, he took an ultra sound to make sure I wasn't farther along and at about 5 weeks there wasn't even a blob to see, which made me feel much better! Good Luck


I extend my sympathy to you. I have not faced this situation, but I did accompany a family member through it, and it was very hard yet at the same time the best decision, not one she regretted. She also was a person who has grave misgivings about abortion, and it was some comfort to her to find that there were others in her same situation among those she met at a clinic abortion information session.

Most likely you have already ruled out the option of making an adoption plan instead of an abortion plan, but I just wanted to say that if you are open to adoption, I am interested in adopting a child and would be grateful to explore that option with you. Janey


Have you considered or would you consider an open adoption? I'm sure that there are many couples who would love to give your baby a home. You can check out the website of the Independent Adoption Center (IAC) at www.adoptionhelp.com - they are one of the larger agencies handling open adoptions. The services of the IAC are free to birthmothers and it is legal and customary for the adopting parents to assume responsibility for costs related to the pregnancy and birth, so that financial burden would be removed.

I have friends who are actively trying to adopt. I'm posting on their behalf since they are not members of this group. If you would be interested in finding out more, without any commitment, please let me know and I can put you in touch with them. I applaud your courage and honesty in exploring your choices and wish you the best during this difficult time. Lisa


I'm not sure if you want my advice - I'm not giving experience with an abortion, but I did find myself unexpectedly pregnant with #4 last Jan 01. I completely and utterly support your decision to abort; I am rabidly pro-choice.

My experience was with a partner (same father of my other 3 children) and we'd weathered 2 other unplanned pregnancies (only #3 was planned :)). We seperated for the duration of my first pregnancy as he was not (then) prepared to be a father, so we've been down that road also. He was adamant that I abort and while I made 2 appointments, I never (obviously :)) went through with it. So, we had plans to leave the area, move to the country (where we'd always wanted to move) and simplify. Then came #4. I really really really did NOT want to be pregnant. It was an awful, horrible, terrible pregnancy. I had all but #1 at home, but spent a week in the hospital with this one (#4) due to extreeme morning sickness (hypersomethingorotheremesis?). We figured out how to make it work. We went on food stamps. We bought (buy) everything at the thriftstore. I hit farmers markets at the end of the day and get a lot free (or greatly reduced). I started a garden in our front yard and we'll have eggs from our own chickens in the fall or spring (depending on how they mature). We recycle grey water.

I can give you lots of tips for frugal living - we're now a family of 6 living on $30K a year. We went off food stamps early this year (I started an in-home business) but are still on WIC. We still would love to move to the country, but we'll see. :) I'm not trying to sway your decision at all, but if the only impediment is finances, perhaps my experience might help. Oh, :) I was (thinking hard) 41 when I fell pregnant with #4. OH, and there will NOT be another. Abstinence, while frustrating, is foolproof. :) No More Than Four


Call First Resort Pregnancy Consulting-510-238-8799. They will discuss with you all your options. anon
I found myself in this situation when I was 36. I kept the baby. All I can say really is that I'm incredibly glad I did; I had an abortion at 17 and, just as you say, no longer believe in it for myself, although I do support it politically. It was a hard time adjusting, but I wouldn't have it the other way. My family changed, adapted, and our new daughter enhanced the situation. Someone once said to me that you ''grow into the role'' of being a mother.

I think you would have to weigh the pain of an abortion against the change to the family; I felt I couldn't handle that pain, not again. For me it turned out great keeping the child. There's been never a moment of regret. Though sure - it is hard work! A mother of many


I think you should think very carefully about your options. If you are anti-abortion personally then you may not be able to come to terms with having the abortion. I am pro-choice myself, but that doesn't mean that aborting a baby is the right thing for someone for whom it would be difficult logistically and otherwise to have a baby. You should have a candid discussion with your partner about your feelings and maybe with a councelor or therapist. anon
Have you considered placing your baby for adoption with another family? There are many infertile couples, lesbian and gay couples, and single individuals who want to start a family and are open to adopting a child - especially a baby - to join their familily.

I myself am pro-choice, and I totally support every woman's right to control her own body and make her own choices. I've been a staunch feminist since my teens and I'm now in my 40s. At the same time, I'd like to see more women at least considering a third choice, of adoption. We formed our family through adoption, and we wouldn't have been able to have a child any other way. As an adoptive mom, I'm grateful every day for the choice my son's birthmother made. It is undoubtedly a difficult choice for you to make, no matter what you decide, but please consider adoption as an alternative. You could call Jewish Family Services' Adoption Connection (open to all, you don't have to be jewish) for free, confidential advice.


Hi, I had two abortions in my 40's. I already had three children and my OB/GYN assured me it was fairly common. You are not alone -- but it is hard. I went through a period of mourning and wondering ''what if''. Comments like there was no more room in the sinking life boat didn't help. But I did recover. I also went to an abortion healing clinic at the Newman Center. That helped. It's a woman's decision. It's never easy, though. Even when it is in the best interest of the whole family -- there's a real mourning period -- and it's hard. But I'm ok. Good luck. been there
Have you thought about adoption? you said ''emotionally and spiritually I no longer believe in abortion'', that being said, you will probably feel guilty after it is done. Maybe you can have the baby adopted and tell your kids that you are having a child for someone that cannot. That way they can understand why you are doing it, and not feel like they are losing out on a brother or sister. I would not bring it up that this is your child that you are giving away, as the questions that come will be hard to answer. just my opinion
Three corrections to other posts to offer here... Someone recommended my book, ''In Good Conscience: A Practical, Emotional and Spiritual Guide to Deciding Whether to Have an Abortion,'' but mistakenly thought it was out of print. A new edition came out in 2002, and you can get it on Amazon or by calling my distributor at 1-800-8199-7080. You may be in a hurry for help; if you e-mail me I'll rush you a workbook/pamphlet excerpted from the book, that walks you through the decision process, helping you find the decision you'll feel good about now and for the rest of your life.

Second, someone else referred you to ''First Resort'' to talk about all your options; please be aware that they are definitely ANTI-ABORTION and their goal is to get you not to do it.

Finally, serious depression is rare after an abortion, affecting about 2% of women. These tend to be those who already have a history of mental illness, who felt pressured to have an abortion against their own judgment, or who lack support from their partner/family. Over time, women who chose abortion do not experience depression at higher rates than those who carry unintended pregnancies to term; the most common emotion after abortion, in fact, is relief. It may comfort you to know that about 55% of the over-a-million abortions in this country each year are for women who already have at least one child; abortion has always been with us as a means of providing the best parenting we can. Take care. Anna Runkle


I write as someone who had an unplanned pregnancy in her 40s and carried it to term. Having another child had serious, negative, and, I think, lasting consequences for our other children. We adore that last child, and our others, but still wonder whether we made a moral error in continuing the pregnancy. Having another child has real repercussions for your existing children, and, indeed, everyone else who depends on you, and you would be wrong not to consider them. Anon
I am sorry that you have to go through this right now. Considering an abortion is not an easy thing, and I want you to know that you have one more person out there who supports whatever decision you make. As you probably know, any decision you make will affect you deeply. My story is different, but I have faced 2 unplanned pregnancies, terminating both. I am staunchly pro-choice, but I also know that abortion does have consequences. I agree with a lot of the other postings that mention the depression and recommend counseling. Should you decide to terminate, I advise finding a SAFE place to discuss all the feelings that may come up afterwards. You are entitled to your feelings of grief, loss, relief, or whatever they may be, regardless of your decision. I hope that your partner will be supportive during this decision-making process. Years ago, there was a therapist named Kathy Anolick, who ran non- judgemental post-abortion support groups. I don't know if she's still around, but I'm sure there are others. By the way, I'm sorry that somebody responded to your request with the phone number of an anti-abortion counseling center. What you need right now is support for whatever decision you make! anonymous
I haven't been in your situation, but when I was in college my mother told me that she had had an abortion a couple years after my younger sister was born. She had had me at age 35 and my sister at 37, and when she got pregnant again she just didn't want another baby. I can't speak for her, but I never got the impression that she ever regretted that decision. Of course if you decide to keep the baby you will love it and probably not be able to imagine life without it. But if you truly do not *want* another baby (which is different from thinking that you wouldn't be able to handle it) then I don't think you would regret your decision to not have it. --wising you the best in your decision
I salute you and everyone else who really thinks about the enourmity of child- rearing. Anyone who has had an abortion should know about EXHALE, a post- abortion talkline. It offers non-judgemental emotional support, resources and information. You can call 20 minutes or 20 years after an abortion, it is also a resource for your partner or other friends. The talkline operates Monday through Friday from 5p.m. to 10p.m. and Spanish language counseling is available Wednesday from 5p.m. to 10 p.m. and by request. Their web site is www.4exhale.org and the talkline number is 1-866-4EXHALE. Peace
I was pleased to see so many different kinds of response to your note. No one can predict what YOUR reaction to this situation! will be, whatever you decide. Even someone else who has been through it may have a different reaction, short or long-term. Getting good counselling, whatever your decision, may be the most important thing you do for yourself now. I think its especially important not to assume that your feelings of relief will outweigh any negative feelings you may have. Was I relieved after the abortion I had at 21? Yes. Do I still regret my decision to have it, more than 20 years later? Most of the time. Every day. Even knowing that my life would have been completely different with that person in it, I regret making what at the time seemed the only right choice.

I married the father of that baby and had more kids, including an unplanned one in my 40s last year. Having lived with regret for more than 20 years there was no discussion of not having this one, but I had a tubal the same day. I don't regret that either.

You will do what you must do, what you think best. Just don't let anyone tell you it will be easy either way, either way is tough. Anonymous Older Mother


How to get info on new abortion law

October 2003

Now that congress has passed the ban on ''late term partial birth abortion'', and the president will sign it into law, I need to get some IMPARTIAL information about how this law might impact a very specific situation: terminating a pregnancy after a finding of Downs or Neural Tube Defects via and amniocentisis done at ~20 weeks. My concern is that this may no longer be an option. Especially since I have heard in news reports that the law makes no distinction between a viable fetus and an nonviable fetus. I heard a report that specified that the ''late term'' phrase means anything ''over five months'' (no specific week number was mentioned in the report, so it might bump up against the time you learn these things through the standard amnio at 20 weeks.) I know CVS is an option at 10 weeks, but it's not always successful -- in my case, my anatomical makeup wouldn't let it happen. I am of ''advanced maternal age'' and this would be a real factor for us in trying to get pregnant with another child. People I've spoken with about this recommend calling somewhere like Planned Parenthood, but I have a feeling I would be talking to someone who already is in an adversarial position to the ban and would possibly politicize the answer. Others have suggested calling the genetics department of Kaiser (we have Kaiser Health insurance) but I'm not sure a genetics nurse would be boned up on legislative issues. I tried calling Diane Feinstein's office but have not received a response. Any recommendations? anonymous please


In order to protect their tax exempt status, Planned Parenthood is very careful to not be political. They are a medical agency, not a lobbying organization, and when I was involved in clinic protection in the mid-eighties, the staff at their clinics were very clear that their priorities are to provide top-quality medical care to their patients, keep their doors open and services accessible, and not to get involved in a political battle about abortion. I think they would be an excellent source of information for you. You could start by checking their website, they probably have something up about the law now. a fan of planned parenthood
I would call NARAL - National Abortion Rights Action League. Having recently had to deal with this, I can tell you that *already* there are limited options for a D&E in the east bay - limited hospitals, limited docs. I am not sure the legislation limits the D&E procedure which I think you can have up until 20 weeks. With amnio, if you get it scheduled right around 16 weeks, you can get your results back in 48 hours with a FISH test (can also do this with CVS). So you could have your information earlier than 20 weeks. At Kaiser, a genetic counselor who may be helpful is Ann Bourguignon. Important Research
I'm sorry that I do not have any info on the new law, but I just wanted to make sure you had been given the correct info on CVS before ruling it out. You mentioned not being anatomically eligible, so I wondered if you had been told that they can do it either vaginally (which I had done, and it felt like a pap smear) or abdominally (like amnio), depending on the positioning of your placenta. I'm pretty sure they don't know which way they'll do it til you are on the table and they ultrasound you. If there are other anatomical stipulations that preclude you, I apologize for my ignorance. Also, if you are concerned because you have heard about limb abnormalities, those have pretty much been all linked to people who had the procedure done at 10 weeks--a reputable physician will not do it at 10 weeks because of that, which means your window is 11-13 weeks. I had mine done at about 12 weeks, I think, and it was so great to have peace of mind (fortunately) so early in my pregnancy. I went to a place in SF- -California Pacific or something like that way up California Street. The Dr. there--I cannot recall his name, maybe Goldberg?--was, according to my OB/GYN, one of the pioneers in developing CVS, and he was truly wonderful. I hope that this is an option for you, and best of luck! If you would like to ask me anything about my CVS experience, please feel free to contact me through the moderator. anonymous
Here's the non-politicized deal -- so-called ''partial birth'' abortion is one method of late term abortion. There are other methods still available. Abortion is performed by some local providers up to 24 weeks. This is generally long enough to learn amnio resuslts. If one needed an abortion later than that, they could travel elsewhere, e.g., Wichita KS. runkle
You can contact the California Abortion Rights Action League http://www.caral.org/ for info if you need it, but I can tell you as an abortion provider at a facility that does abortions up to 23 1/2 weeks that the law is not going to affect our services. Hopefully you won't need it, but even with this change in the law, you will be able to have an abortion here for any reason (for now, but you asked for an apolitical answer).
I don't really have a complete answer to your question, but the Counselors at Kaiser Genetics are not generally nurses, perhaps a few may be, but regardless of an undergraduate study focus, they would also have Masters degrees in Public Health focusing on Genetics. I think they would be very aware of political implications as they must provide options for the families they counsel. anon

Grad student's unexpected pregnancy

June 2003

I am a Ph.D student in a fairly competitive program. I am pregnant, and because I am an international student here, I am very troubled and constrained by my financial means and if we can afford time and attention to our baby within my tight schedule. Termination seems to be a rational decision, as keeping the baby would strain greatly on our financial and time resources. Has anyone else had to make a decision like this? Baby dilemna


your story rings many bells here! i arrived two years ago to begin my PhD program at CAL with a scholarship for two years. two weeks after having arrived, i discovered i was pregnant (and single, the father was already out of the picture). it was a hard moment. since the due date was end of april i knew i could probably get through the first year alright, then take the summer off and maybe go back in the fall with the help of a good subsidized child-care. on the other hand, keeping the baby would mean having to raise a child all by myself, in a foreign country, with 1100 dollars a month to live with, etc. anyway i made up my mind and i decided to keep the baby. i wanted to become a mother so much and i do think there was a part of crazyness in my decision, but i also knew that i would manage somehow. i began to look around and found plenty of helpful resources, such as the WIC program at the city of berkeley, a therapist paid 80 per cent by the university (hard to deal with those sudden mood swings and stick to my decision with the hormones going up and down like crazy), the family housing at the albany village and campus child-care etc. i have actually become an expert on all these matters so feel free to contact me if you need specific advice.

now, to come to your more specific questions: my study field is not what i would define competitive so i cannot give you advice on this. my department was EXTREMELY understanding and helpful at all levels (i delivered one week in advance so skipped the final three weeks of classes, but they forgot about that... i gave in all papers before running to the hospital though!!), i really think you should evaluate the impact that a stressful environment would have on you if you decided to keep the baby. on the other hand never underestimate your colleagues and your professors, they might turn out to be very open and helpful (my first -free- baby-sitter was another student in the dpt., and the dpt chair showed up with a pizza one night!!). to make it short, after having taken a semester off for different reasons and having gone back at a somehow moderate rhytm this past spring, my daughter has now been accepted in the campus child-care full-time, which means i can go back to full-time reading and work (I'll be teaching everyday) and prepare for my qualifying exams. my advice is: if you have any hint that you'd like to have this baby, then have it. it is doable, even though the first months are going to be extremely tough, and you will have to compromise maybe on how long it takes you to get a degree. You'll actually enjoy the fact of having a more grown-up one when you'll get on the job market... and anyway, having a kid is an amazing experience, not very ''intellectual'' at times but full of surprises. hope this long message helps you somehow. i also know of a colleague of mine who decided to terminate her pregnancy because she didn't feel she could deal with that before being done with her PhD., and i respect that. once again, feel free to get in touch with me if i can be of any help silvia


You do not mention whether you have a committed partner, and what the circumstances of your partner are. Regardless, you need to be ready to handle the demands of parenting on your own, and you do not seem ready emotionally or financially to have a baby. I have been pregnant 4 times. Twice I terminated pregnancies because it was not at the right time in my life--in one case, I was an undergrad and the dad was my amour de jour. There was no question in my mind that I would not have a baby. The second time, although I had graduated from Cal, I was unclear about my future and unclear about the dad. Only when I was clear about my goals and where I was in my life did having a baby make sense for me. (I went on to graduate school 5 years after undergrad). It sounds like you are in the same place.

Do I ever feel guilty about terminating two pregnancies? No-- curious about where my life would have gone had I had children at those times in my life, but never guilty. I have two beautiful children, a career I love, and a supportive partner. This would not have been my life if I had carried my first two pregnancies to term.

Whatever your decision, I wish you luck. anon


Yes, I have been there! When I was 21, I became pregnant. I was a full- time student and my boyfriend (at that time) and I were in no financial (or emotional) situation to take on the care of a child. I terminated the pregnancy and do not regret the decision. Since I, personally, do not feel that a fetus is a person, I didn't have any feelings of guilt about it, and I don't look back on it with grief. This is my personal experience, and not necessarily how others feel about this kind of decision, nor am I suggesting that this is how *you* should feel about it.

Having said that, I did become pregnant again, several years later, and that was much more upsetting. Not because I felt terrible about terminating pregnancy (from the perspective of the affect on the zygote) but because it is not the most pleasant experience (I don't like going ''under'' a general anaesthetic, it takes me a long time to recover). I had vowed to myself that I wouldn't ever do it again, and here I was, definitely feeling that having a child at that point would be the *wrong* time (my boyfriend, now husband, and I had only been dating for a few weeks, I was finishing school and working a lot and neither of us had two nickles to rub together), so I terminated pregnancy for a 2nd time. Not fun.

However, quality of life is a big deal to me, with regard to children (and oneself). It does sound as if having a child now would be extremely stressful for you - and how would that affect your child, should you choose to give birth (and keep) him or her? Of course, the other option is to have the baby and give it up for adoption--but going through pregancy and birth could be extremely stressful and disruptive, even if you're not going to keep the child. Also, giving a child up for adoption is no guarantee that they will go on to a ''better life.'' I know that adoptive parents can turn out to be monstrous (hopefully, the screening processes have become more sophisticated recently, so that is less of a liklihood).

This can be a very difficult decision for some people. I am glad it wasn't for me--but I sympathize completely with your situation. Some things to consider: do you (your partner) have parents or other relatives/friends who would act as a support network to help you take care of the child (should you choose to keep him/her)? This is probably the biggest issue, because parents really need time away from the child to take care of themselves (and each other), and paying for child care is very expensive. A good support network can really help you make it through a difficult period. However, something else to consider: having a newborn is EXHAUSTING. You are right in your concern that having a baby now will be a HUGE disruption to finishing school. You really would probably have to take a leave of absence for at least the first year. Are you prepared to do that? Although my first child is not born yet, I know from living with a mother and her newborn, just how consuming a newborn can be (not to mention helping my parents out with my little sister when she was born - I was much older and remember it very well).

If you need to talk some more, feel free to email me - Alesia


Please consider giving up your baby for adoption. There are so many people who would love to have a baby. I can provide you with names/numbers of people who can help you through this difficult decision. deborah
I am writing to offer my opinion on your pregnancy dilemma. When I was 18 I terminated a pregnancy because I felt I was not emotionally or financially prepared to raise a baby. Although I am still very much a pro-choice advocate, I am even more of an adoption advocate. After 3 years of infertility treatments in my late 30's I finally had to let go of having my own biological child and adopt. I am now the proud mother of an incredible 14 month old, whom I (and my husband) adopted. We know her birth parents very well and have a wonderful relationship with them. They know our door is always open if they want to see our daughter. Please know that there are thousands of couples who were in our situation who would give anything to be parents. There are many more couples looking to adopt than there are babies available. I hope you will consider carrying your baby to term and giving it to a loving, grateful couple whose dream will be fulfilled by becoming parents. I love my daughter more than I ever imagined was possible to love. We adopted through the Independent Adoption Center in Pleasant Hill, although there are other reputable agencies as well. We had a wonderful experience with them. Also, because the nature of adoption these days is open adoption, you can choose your baby's parents and the contact you want to have with them/the baby. Please please consider making another deserving couple as happy as we have been made by our child's birth parents. Adoption Advocate
hi, i wanted to write to support your decision, whatever it may be! it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. while i would hardly be one to suggest terminating a pregnancy for ''convenience'' you do want to be in the best position to provide for your child and be prepared financially and emotionally. the issues you addressed are definitely serious and important to consider. the difference between what you ''think'' it will be like having a child and having your first is as big as the grand canyon! it will be harder, more emotionally straining and tiring than you can imagine (even with the joy and fun that come along with it). of course either way - you will probably be able to ''handle'' it - just thought you could use the support either way... anon
If you're struggling with the decision whether to have an abortion or continue a pregnancy, you might want to check out my book, *In Good Conscience: A Practical, Emotional and Spiritual Guide to Deciding Whether to Have an Abortion.* It includes comprehensive info about the procedure (including the traditional surgical method as well as ''the abortion pill'' -- or RU486 -- which is now available through most providers). The text includes a workbook to help you weigh your decision and another workbook for exploring feelings after an abortion. It is completely neutral and supportive of your choices; it is endorsed and used by Planned Parenthood as well as Catholics for a Free Choice (who like the material about the spiritual aspects of the decision process). You can order it on Amazon.com or through Phoenix Color Fulfillment : 800-819-7080. The cost is $16. Good luck! You are not alone! Anna Runkle
When I found myself pregnant two years ago, it was a very difficult decision and it seemed like the rational thing to do was too difficult emotionally. However, two things, which helped me make my decision, were a supportive PI (who found out because of my morning sickness symptoms) and a supportive partner (we were not married). If I did not have those two things, my decision may have been different.

Now that my baby was born, the financial burden is not as great as I had thought. My partner, my baby and I are all living off my GSR stipend and some help from financial aid (who gives a $2200 dollar grant to all student families/ semester). In addition we moved into the UC Village, which has greatly helped us afford to continue to live here. The university also offers subsidized childcare to help low income student families afford to have their children watched over. Although, the financial commitments seem daunting, I have found that it is not difficult to afford to raise a child as a student.


If you think you can carry the baby to term but not care for him after birth, I'd encourage you to look into offering him up for adoption - I'm working for a woman right now who's trying to adopt a baby and it's really opened up my eyes to how many wonderful, caring people out there are looking for babies. Not an easy decision either way - best of luck whatever road you choose. Jeni
A baby and grad school can work together if you want to make it work!

I just graduated from a prestigous business school on the East Coast. I also gave birth to my son in February of my first year. My son thrills me much more than my degree!

It was tough and I didn't get a lot a sleep, but every new parent has to deal with that. I missed one and a half weeks of class, then went back to a full time schedule. I often found myself reading over my notes for the next day's class during our 1 am feeding! In the second year, my sleep was better, but I didn't get to be involved with as many activities on campus as I would have liked.

While it can be done, what really made it possible for me was the support of my family. My parents, in-laws, and brother took turns staying with us and watching my son while I was in class for the first semester when my son was too young for daycare. There was an international student at my school who had a baby the next year and had her cousin come stay with her for a few months.

It's possible! Good luck with your decision! August


Need an abortion due to poor health

March 2003

My name is Katie and I am a mother to two wonderful children. I've recently moved to Berkeley to live with my sister because of my husband's unfortunate leave from his company. It just so happened that I was pregnant again unexpectly before my husband became jobless. I was told by the last OB/GYN doctor that I could be facing serious complication if I became pregnant again because of my naturally weak body condition and because I have for fact an RH(-) blood type. I am here to ask for help with information on how to get the abortion right from a which medical institution? Please help me as soon as possible. Thank you. Katie


I am very sorry that you are in the type of situation you are in. I know how hard it is to have to make this type of decision. But in the interest of your other 2 children this may be the best decision for you. It is very scary to think that you may loose your life because of pregnancy and or related illness.In response to your question about where to go to terminate the pregnancy you may want to go to Planned Parenthood which has a number of locations around the bay area. I know that they do charge around $300 for the procedure though. If you are a Kaiser member the procedure is free. You must speak to an advice nurse and explain your sitation and depending on how far along you are they may be able to do the procedure there at kaiser I believe it is after 12 weeks they will refer you to an office that handles late-term abortions. I hope this helps you in your decision. Good luck. Anon
Have you discussed this with your current prenatal health provider? They should be able to help. But if this hasn't worked for you, I strongly recommend that you contact Planned Parenthood. They do a lot more than provide ''abortion on demand'', as the right-wing likes to call it. They provide full reproductive health services, and should be able to help you. You don't have to be 100% sure that you need or want an abortion to see them. They have counselors and doctors that can help re- evaluate your case. But if you are absolutely sure this is what you want, they will help. I understand they have a couple of clinics in Oakland. They used to have one in Walnut Creek, but I just checked their website and didn't see it there. You can contact them online at www.ppgg.org (that's for Planned Parenthood Golden Gate - the Bay Area organization), or call 1- 800-230-plan.
I'm not sure if my OB, Dr. Albert Brooks, 510-204-0965, performs abortions, but he does specialize in high-risk pregancies. If you are considering maybe not having an abortion, I recommend seeing him for a second opinion on your health risks. He would also probably be able to recommend somewhere for an abortion. Liz
I received excellent help and care for an abortion at Family Planning Specialists Medical Group at 100 Webster Street in Oakland. Their number is 510-268-3720. I believe the cost for an abortion including general anethesia was around $400. be well
Given your delicate health, I would not recommend Planned Parenthood. There are a number of providers in the area and I know that Alta Bates does abortions. I'd recommend contacting East Bay Perinatal Medical Associates for a referral. You probably wouldn't even need to be seen, or pay a fee, for the referral. Planned Parenthood may be able to make a referral also. anon
First, let me offer to you a message of emphathy and support. This is so difficult, even in the liberal Bay Area.

The first place to start is your current insurer or health care provider if you have one. If not, I would call Planned Parenthood. Several years ago, I had an abortion at 18 weeks due to genetic problems of the fetus. As a Kaiser member, I was referred to a clinic in Oakland (The obgyn at Kaiser who would have done the abortion was away for a few days.) I don't remember the name of the clinic: it was in an unmarked office building. The intake and counselling staff were there all week. They performed abortions there on designated days. The staff was very supportive and positive. I could have gotten followup care there if needed.

I learned later that the M.D. who performed my abortion also worked at Alta Bates one day each week, and probably at a third facility as well. So, you may end up with the same M.D., even if you are choosing among facilities.

I hope this is helpful, and feel badly for your sake that I feel I need to remain anonymous.

Best wishes to you. Anon


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