Having a Third Child
Pregnant with second child and feeling apprehensive
March 2000
I have a one year old daughter and am almost 5 months pregnant with
another baby. I've been in emotional turmoil ever since I found out I
was pregnant with all sorts of guilt and reluctant feelings.
Obviously we are thrilled to be pregnant again. We DID want to have
our children close together in age but this close was, indeed, a
surprise. My emotions range from anger that we could let this happen
to extreme guilt with my daughter for not being there 100% for her now
(as I'm pregnant) and in the future when we have a newborn.
I feel like I, now, can't give her all I would I want to give her
emotionally and physically. I'm somehow "jealous" of my time with
her. I also just CANNOT imagine loving another child as much as I
love and adore her and I have this horrifyingly, awful fear that the
new baby would feel less loved and wanted. I know I've heard people
say this sort of statement before...but truly I can't imagine it. Are
people really being honest when they say they DO love their second
children just as much? Aren't the first ones so special? Will I have
just as strong feelings for our new baby? I would like
to hear from other parents who have been through this same situation.
I appreciate your help.
I am a mother of two, and I have a couple of thoughts on the second
child issue. It is a fact that your relationship with your first
child is unlike your relationship with any later children. The
arrival of your first child transformed you into a parent. That is
one of the most intense experiences of anyone's life. Your feelings
toward your first child will always be affected by this unique
experience you shared. Second, remember that although your first
child will lose something when she has to share you, she will also
gain something - a brother or sister! Now, she may not always
appreciate the wonderfulness of this gift, especially when they are
both little, but in the long run she will. My kids are four years
apart, so the older one and I had an exclusive relationship (I am a
single parent) for four years before the second one came along. So we
have a history together that is not shared with the younger one.
Also, the second does get the short end of the stick in many ways, she
gets the hand-me-down clothes & toys, the older one is the leader in
choosing most activities, what to watch on TV, etc. I frankly find
the older one's life and thoughts more interesting just because she's
older, and she always will be ... so does this mean I love the second
one less? I don't know, it's just different. Second kids are
resilient, they've never been an only kid so it seems natural to them
to share a parent. I'll be interested in hearing what other people
have to say!
What you describe is what every Mom who loves her first child feels.
It seems so disloyal to have a second, and so self-evident that there
is no way you could love another child as you do the one you already
have. But believe me, when the second child comes you will love him
or her as intensely as you love the first. You will never love them
the same; they are different people. But you will love them both
fiercely and without reservation. I felt exactly as you did when
pregnant with my second. My first child was my wonderful and unique
bundle of brilliance and intensity. My second child is my warm little
ray of sunshine. They are so very different, and my relationships
with them so completely different, but I cannot imagine life without
either one of them. As to depriving the first, there is a reality to
the concern: time is finite, and sharing Mom means less time. But a
sibling is a net positive, not a negative. My parents' best gifts to
me were my three siblings.
My sister is 16 months younger than me. When she was born, rather
than being jealous, I treated her as a wonderful new doll, as my mom
tells. It was wonderful to grow up with her.
How could you possibly connect with any other child as you do with
this one? The reason you'll be able to do so is the same reason you're
now able to connect with your daughter: You're unique. So is she. So
is your second child. You'll create and grow a whole new relationship
with this next one, just as you did with his or her sister.
Think about this: Back before you had any children, could you imagine
ever loving someone the way you do your daughter? But you do now.
Trust me--or, rather, trust yourself: you really do have it in you to
adore your second child and be a good mother to both.
(This also sounds like support group time to me. If you can't find one
listed in Parents' Press or something, place an ad there or in the
Express--or right here in the UCB parents' network--and start your own
group. It's truly worth the babysitter money.)
My second son was a complete surprise -- we had just decided to stop
having kids! -- and I was happy to hear I was pregnent, yet... I
spent a lot of my pregnancy ignoring the baby yet worrying about it;
mourning the loss of my alone time with my older son; worrying I would
never love this new baby like I love my older son; mad that I could
not go back to work as I had planned; and angry that I would not get
the "me" time I was craving now that a baby was coming. He was born -
awful labor and delivery - and I loved him, but it was not the same as
my first. I did everything I was supposed to do and cared, but... It
took a good three months for me to fall in love with him. Now, I
cannot imagine my life or family without him. I was (am) able to love
both my children - differently since they are different people -- but
equally. To top it off, I am an only child so I was nervous about the
whole sibling thing. My older son was thrilled to have a brother and
was rarely jealous (until now - 20 months later). I truly do love
both my chidren and I realized when my second was born that the best
thing I ever gave my older son was a sibling AND that this second
child filled a hole in our family that I didn't realize was there
until he arrived.
Hope this helps.
To the mom who is experiencing intense emotions around pregnancy with
the 2nd child: I think you are well within the range of what is called
normal. Your description of feelings reminds me of how I used to get
when my hormones were high, low and/ or running amok, especially as
during pregnancy. I almost felt as if I had been taken over by another
being, which, in a sense, is literally the case, but I experienced it
in a much more Sci-Fi kind of way, as if I were on Heavy Drugs. I
believe that hormones do affect some (not all) sensitive women that
way, and I have been one. Since I am a feminist, I don't think I am
being sexist, either, in reporting that some women do have lower
thresholds for hormone reactions. I am a nurse as well, and it reminds
me of some (not all) people's sensitivity to drugs. I was the owner
of a whacked out menarche-adolescence (bad depression, suicidal
ideation), horrific PMS (the chain saw murders, cars off cliffs kind),
a pregnancy that produced a mental state like waking dreams, an
unbelievable 3 day home labor (and birth) that felt like repeated
shotgun blasts to the abdomen for the duration, and years later D and
C for which I was given Pitocin (oxytocin, the hormone that causes
uterine contractions and is connected to lactation) and had florid
hallucinations--the real thing-- until the second it was discontinued,
and a menopause that is like a train wreck connected to a fatal
disease that I have described as PMS to the 400th power experienced
while hallucinating on an LSD overdose. Other than these episodes, I
have been fine and had a good life! I wish someone had early on given
me an owner's manual for this body! It even fooled a nurse.
So for a pregnant mom to be obsessing about the pregnancy and her life
with closely- spaced kids sounds normal to me. And the words you used
sound like the sort of hyper emotionality I experienced. Here are the
ones I noticed in your post: anger --extreme guilt --"jealous"
--CANNOT imagine loving another child as much as I love and adore her
--horrifyingly, awful fear-- strong feelings. Pregnancy for some
women feels like that. Welcome to the club, sister. You will probably
feel a lot better after the baby has arrived. Finally, many people try
to have 2 kids close together so they can be playmates. Such a deal.
Hope you feel better.
I recall one evening, now long ago, pregnant with my son, on the phone
with a friend of mine who runs a Montessori pre-school. And I was
sharing my concerns about the loss of my relationship with my daughter
(who turned two just after her brother's arrival). I vividly recall
her saying that in fact having a sibling was the greatest gift I could
give to my daughter, that I wouldn't love them in the same way but
that the heart is capable of vastness. Today, our kids are best
buddies, they kiss each other goodmorning and goodnight every day,
they totally look out for each other, they certainly piss each other
off but they know that they each belong to this family and to each
other. They share a room and use each other as a workshop to learn
about being a social being in the world. I go to great lengths to
restrain myself from interfering and let them work things out,
intervening only when there is physical pain inflicted from one to the
other. I would definitely recommend Faber and Maslich's "Siblings
Without Rivalry." And by the way, my kids are just shy of 6 1/2 and 4
1/2.
And yes, your relationship with your firstborn will change, and the
change may involve some sadness and longing, but you are also adding
immeasurably to each of your lives. And you will love your second
differently, but I would venture no less. Each child brings so unique
gifts to his or her family, regardless of birth order. Best wishes.
Being the older child in a family of two daughters born 18 months apart, I would
offer this advice (which I wish someone could have given my own parents at the
time.) BTW, I applaud your honesty, concern and willingness to seek advice on the
issue.
* Give the older child as much of a role in the care and loving of the little one
as possible. He-She'll be what, 14 months when her sibling is born? Before the
baby is drinking out of cups she might be able to feed it from a bottle with a
parent's supervision. I think this might be very important. If she has any
inclination to, let her care for the baby as much as possible. When she's 3 or 4
maybe she can have the responsibility of "baby-sitting" while you're in another
room or in the backyard. Most healthy baby's are way more resilient than we believe
them to be. If the first child is a bit awkward in handling the baby (as long as
it's not intentionally rough) the babe will survive and the children may bond.
That's the most important thing.
* And pamper yourself so you don't feel martyred by the incredible demands on your
time, sleep and sanity made by caring for two little ones. Maybe a weekly massage
(my own chosen self-indulgence) or something like that.
* If things get bad, Get help! Good luck. I think your self-insight and openness
to help will create a loving family.
July 1999
I am expecting my second child soon. Has anyone experienced
apprehensions over having a second child, such as whether or not they
would be able to equally love, and admire the second as the first?
I also feel slightly worried that my husband and I might have rushed into
having a second vs. working on some problems we are experiencing.
I just can't imagine taking away from the attention that I now give to my
daughter. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings?
Thank you in advance for any advice offered.
I think almost every mother alive has experienced apprehensions over having
a second child. I had a hard time bonding with my second child, we had a
difficult time establishing our nursing routine, etc. I cried in the
pediatrician's office worried that I would never be able to love this
child as much as my much beloved and admired first born. She gave me
some very sage advice. She said, don't worry. As soon as you think
you think you could never love one as much as the other they will
flip-flop. And, now at ages 13 and 15 I can assure you that they
have---and many times. We are currently in a stage where the 13 year old
old is great fun to be with and the 15 year old not so. Relax, you
will love them both. That said, you should know that the connection
with that first born is a forever thing (which is why first borns can
be so weird---sorry all you first borns, I'm a second born ;-)
Re: problems with your husband---hang in there. After 20 years of marriage we
have had dry spells and wonderful times, keep talking, keep loving, and don't
expect perfection.
July 1999
I, too, was apprehensive about having a second child. I was absolutely
stunned to discover one day, while my first child was only 9 months old,
that I was pregnant again. I immediately fell into a depression and felt
like my whole world was falling apart. My daughter's pediatrician
immediately noticed that I was unhappy about the pregnancy and questioned
me closely about my feelings and our family life throughout my pregnancy.
I even discussed having an abortion with my husband, which was a big step
for me as I have a strong ethical opposition to abortion. I also felt that
my marriage wasn't strong enough to justify a second child. In the end, I
proceeded with the pregnancy, but all the way up until the day she was
born, I had the same doubts about whether she was wanted and whether I
would ever love her the way I did her older sister.
My second surprise came when she was born. All of my doubts vanished the
moment I saw her, and I bonded to this child instantly in a way that took
months with my first child. I didn't want to let anyone else feed her (and
she felt the same way -- refused to have anything to do with a bottle), and
I spent every moment of my maternity leave with her. The mother's group I
had with my older daughter wanted to get together with me to see the new
baby, and somehow I just couldn't find the time. I was too busy having
those magical three months with just me and my infant. My husband just
rolled his eyes over what he called the "love fest" between us, and I guess
it was true. It was very difficult for him to get time with either one of
us. Even now, at coming up on 4 years, my younger daughter and I have a
stronger emotional bond with each other than with my older daughter or
husband.
Oh, boy, I sure had these feelings and I'd bet so has every other
mother (and father) of more than one child! There are lots of
books and articles on the subject for you and your husband to look
at.
Here's something simple I read that made me feel much better: A
parent's love is like the flame of a candle. It will light one or
many candles and never diminish. And the light grows with every
newly lighted candle.
Another way to put it, the sum of a family's love is greater than its
parts.
I had the same concerns when I was about to have my second child. My
older son was barely two when my second son was born, and I was
worried both that I wouldn't be able to love my second son as much
as my first and that I wouldn't be able to give my first son the love
and attention he needed after his brother was born. What I found
instead was that I bonded deeply with my second son, but that my love
for my older son stayed just as strong as it had been, and maybe even
grew stronger when I saw him learning to be a big brother. And from
the beginning, there was no question of having to take love away from
one to give to the other. My experience is that it's not a question
of whether I love them both "equally"--instead, I love them both
totally, as if I'd grown a whole new heart for loving each of them.
>From the beginning, each of them was such as individual that I responded
to each one as an individual person. There's no doubt that you'll have
less time for each of them than you did when you had only one--but I'm
not sure that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as they both know
that you love them. It's also possible to combine a lot of
activities, like reading or singing to the older child while you
nurse the younger child, or playing silly hide-and-seek games with
both of them. (You'll have a lot less time for yourself, of course,
but that's another story!) And there are real benefits for the
children. My two little guys play a lot together and get a lot of
enjoyment and companionship from each other, and they've each learned
from each other, too--my four-year-old has had to learn to share (hard
lesson!) and to take someone else's feelings into consideration, and
my two-year-old has great physical skills because he's always trying
to keep up with his older brother. They fight, too, of course, but
on the whole I think that each of them has gotten a lot out of having
a brother and they both know that my husband and I love them.
I felt exactly the same way. My son was only 16 months old when
I had my second one. I remember holding my second son in the
hospital, looking at him and wondering if I could love him as
much as the first. My feelings must've changed within a day, for
I don't remember asking myself that question any other time. I do
remember feeling sorry for the older one for he was no longer the
baby, and I felt that he was cheated out of fully enjoying that
babyhood. but my boys have always been best friends and they feel
very sorry for anyone else that does not have a sibling (they're
now 18 and 19).
While I was pregnant with my second child I too felt extremely
apprehensive about "messing up" a great family. After my second
child was born, i don't think i boded with her as quickly as I did
with number 1--none of the hours of "adoring" that I lavished on my
first as a newborn. But after a few months (?) I did fall in love
with her too. Now (4 yrs later) I am so happy that I had another
child. The 2 kids love each other and mostly get along great (except
when they're ready to strangle each other!).
So I want to say I've been there, and it will be hard, but I think
you'll be glad you did it. A great book that you might enjoy (someone
else also asked for a book about siblings sometime ago) is "Siblings
without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish, the same people who wrote "How
to Talk so Kids will Listen and..."
I think it's completely normal (& even expected) to feel apprehensive
about the upcoming birth of one's second child. Most people I've
talked to have had these feelings and I know I certainly did. So much
of my life and attention was (& still is!) focused on my first son that
I couldn't imagine how I could find room for my second child. I also
felt like my life as a parent finally had a rythym to it (he finally
slept at night, didn't need to lug around all the baby paraphanalia any
more etc) and I wasn't sure how I'd do once a second child came along.
At times I even felt guilty that I would somehow let my first son down
by having a second one! Just as all the questions and doubts that swirl
around in the head of a parent expecting their first child have a way of
dissapating once they hold their child and fall in love with him/her, so
do doubts about one's second child. Taking care of the needs of 2
little people who rely on you can definately can be more stressful but
you get progressively more creative to get everything done that needs to
be done...and the house gets messier... Still, I love to see the
evolving relationship between my sons, I'm more tired but I have no
regrets even though I DID have lots of ambivalence during my pregnancy.
Good Luck!
It took us years to work up to having a second child. We wanted the
first one so very much, I thought only fair to hold off on the second
until we wanted it just as much. Didn't happen--biology ruled otherwise.
It wasn't a problem, though. I think most parents regard their first child
as the World's First Baby, while for the second they have a more
realistic perspective--we have dozens of photographs of our first child,
and comparatively few of our second, poor thing!
But all that being said, we do love them equally. That's never been a
problem. True, we weren't as gaga about #2 as we were about #1; but
that's sentimentality, not love. Maybe #2 is a little better off for that--he's
had love, not gush.
Regarding couple/marital problems: it's a good sign that they survived
the first kid, but the second will stress the marriage too. Maybe this is
a good time to work on them.
To respond to the poster asking whether marital stress was normal with
the growing of a family: My husband and I have found it to be extremely
hard on the marriage. We love our child very much and he was a wanted
and planned baby, but our relationship has certainly been through a lot
of rough patches since he joined our life! We began couples counseling
8 months ago, and bit by bit we're getting things back together.
(Our situation is more complicated than some, to be sure.) Almost
all of my friends from my mother's group have or are experiencing
similar difficulties. In fact we've just decided to postpone getting
pregnant with a second indefinitely - until we're less stressed, and
our finances in better order. (I think loss of income, reduced
income or childcare expenses contribute significantly to the parental
stress level.)
I'd also like to recommend a terrific book called, "Becoming the
Parent You Want To Be", by Laura Davis and Janice Keyser. Unlike
the multitude of books that focus solely on children't development,
this one helps encourage PARENT'S development. I have found it
invaluable whenever I've felt really at a loss with my parenting.
I am expecting my second child as well, and initially had some anxiety
over how I will respond to a second (and still have some apprehensions).
However, after I told my son (who is 5 years old) about the baby and saw
his reaction, which was pure excitement, many of my concerns have
melted. I have included my son is helping us choose names, have showed
him the sonogram pictures, and talk to him quite frequently about what
it will be like to have a baby around the house. By doing this I have
realized that this second child is simply an addition to what I now
have vs. something that will take away from my current situation.
I also try to remind myself what it was like growing up as an only child
for many years (until my parents seperated, remarried, and gave a LARGE
family of step-siblings who I am very close with today). I can remember
wanting to have a baby brother or sister to either play with or dote on.
I also think of what it would be like for my son in twenty years if he
didn't have any siblings. As adults we can sometimes find our closest
friends in those we have grown up with.
Change is scary, yet inevitable - regardless of what the situation is.
Hang in there, and visualize this child you are about to be blessed
with. I'm sure that many fears will just fade away the minute that
child arrives. Good luck!
This is in response to the mother who is worried she won't love her
second child as much as her first. Don't worry! It's a totally natural
reaction. I remember I was almost due to deliver my second daughter before
I bought her anything -- and that was a nightlight for her room. It
It was so different from the excitement I felt when expecting my first
daughter. But those little babies have a way of growing on you. It's
natural to mourn the loss of the special relationship you have with your
first child, but you will be amazed how easily your heart opens up to
love and adore another child. In addition, you get to enjoy the
relationship between the children. You will see you that you will soon
love both of them equally.
I am in a similar situation, but resigning myself to the apprehension in
several ways (all focusing on the positive aspects of having two.) The
first is that I think our son will actually benefit from less attention
from us - not that he'll appreciate it, but he has just turned 5 & has
all the signs of doted-upon only-childness, most of which are not
particularly attractive at the moment. (He's not really "spoiled", just
very self-centered & demanding.) We spent the weekend with my grandparents
& got the usual advice about how we overdo with him, but this time I
really listened. My grandmother had 6 children & a philosophy that "benign
neglect" was the best way to bring them up. I hope to veer more in that
direction. Second, I was halfway an only child, & am the only child of
my mother. I only wish that I had some sibling support in dealing with her
now. And I adore my half-brothers. Though things weren't always
perfect, I don't know what I'd do without them. Finally, I have paid careful
attention to others I know who have been through this, and apparently
it's all over pretty fast. As with a first child, I think parents get used
to the situation almost right away (not always so with siblings... When I
was 5, I told my stepmother to send my brother back, so I'm expecting no
less from my son!) My sister-in-law said she had one long moment of misery
right after coming home from the hospital - "How could I have done this
to him?!" but then it passed! And, I've heard the love is entirely equal,
and the admiration is equal, but different, bc everyone has different
qualities to admire. I think parents' hearts just get bigger & bigger.
A really good book is "And Baby Makes Four" by Hilory Wagner. Read it & you
won't feel the least bit odd or alone. (As far as husbands, my experience
has been that there is almost never a time without problems - some are mild,
some are worse. But no matter what happens, I doubt that either of you
will ever regret having this child.)
The opinions and statements expressed on this page
are those of parents who belong to the
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should not be taken as a position of or endorsement by the
University of California, Berkeley.