Berkeley Parents Network >
Pregnancy & Childbirth >
After 4 miscarriages (and one little boy), we are getting serious
about international adoption. And while we are excited by the
possibility of a new little person joining our family (and aware
of the complications), what we don't know is if our little
heartache about not being able to have another child will always
stay with us. I'd love to hear from adoptive parents with
infertility/miscarriages to see if they get over the ache and
move on or if it sticks with them.
Like you I had many miscarriages before adopting. For me, it's been 15
years since the last miscarriage. I would love to say that the ache is
entirely gone; it's not, but it has gotten more bearable. I've been to
several counselors for this but maybe because none of them had
experienced a miscarriage, I never felt therapy helped much. What has
helped is remembering that every human being experiences loss. (This
sounds a little trite and silly, but honestly this is what helps me:
nobody makes it through life unscathed.) I send you much
empathy. Knowing this experience first- hand, I understand how that
pain can fill your thoughts. I think we just keep moving forward as
best we can, hope for strength and let ourselves experience happiness
in the children we are allowed to keep.
We adopted two children after infertility treatment. When we finally
realized that we were going to create our family not biologically but
through adoption, I went through a period of anger (mostly at my
spouse because it took so long for him to be comfortable with starting
a family) and mourning for the child/children I had dreamed of
birthing. At first I couldn't talk about our decision to adopt
without crying. But now, I feel privileged to be raising two vibrant,
delightful children from a birth culture and ethnicity that, though
different than mine, has enriched our family so much. The unfulfilled
dreams I grieved now seem so trivial compared to the unexpected
richness we gained through international adoption. Now my only regret
is the time and money I invested resisting adoption--although I also
realize I needed to move through the infertility treatments to move
forward with creating the family we now have.
It helped me mourn by building a clear image of the child/children I
had dreamed I would parent and also of how I had dreamed those
children would come to be part of our family. Then I mourned for what
I had lost. I also forgave my husband and myself for decisions we
made to delay starting our family until we were in our late thirties.
I also felt that my body had betrayed me and needed to get over that,
Afterwards I became aware of what I really wanted--a family. At that
point, I saw that biological reproduction had never been my goal
(although I know some people for whom that was most important). My
goal had always been to be a mother. Then the decisions we were
making to adopt and then to adopt internationally became energizing
I always expected parenting to grow me in new directions. Parenting
internationally adopted children has expanded my understanding of the
world and myself beyond what I think would have happened through
biological parenting. While biological parenting was what I had
wanted and worked really hard to achieve, I am now grateful and
humbled to have been privileged to parent through adoption because I
have gained so much. While I can remember the grief and anger I felt
when I first turned toward adoption, it's always leavened with
bemusement because the joy of adopting my children is so much more
powerful than those past feelings.
Both happen. You move on and it sticks with you. Infertility and
miscarriages are extremely difficult. There's so much hurt and
loss and sadness (and anger). Those don't go away. BUT they do
get less intense and if you want more children, having another
child is a blessing regardless of how you get him or her. All I
can say (I've been through it) is respect what your feeling, it
sucks. But when you're ready, move on. You will probably always
remember the sadness and loss, that's part of who you are now -
but it shouldn't stop you from moving forward with your life.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I suffered a miscarriage early in our marriage. Subsequent
attempts to get pregnant w/Clomid, then injectibles and IUIs all
failed. We decided to adopt. I can honestly say that I could
not fathom loving a biological child more than I love my girl,
who is now 6 years old. My heart still ached for the possibility
of still conceiving and carrying a child until 1 1/2 years ago,
when I had surgery (elective) to destroy the lining of my uterus.
The surgery was to eliminiate heavy bleeding and very painful,
frequent periods. I also had to be willing to relinquish my
desire to ever become pregnant as a result of the surgery. I
decided at that time that I had made my peace w/not having a
biological child. My daughter is a daily reminder to me that it
is not how the journey to parenthood happens, it's that it
happened and for that I am eternally grateful to her birthparents.
I wish you well.
please consider adoption! I too had many miscarriages and
wondered about this same issue. My husband & I now have two
beautiful girls from China, 8.5 and 2.5 years. I did grieve my
inability to have bio kids, but then got totally caught up in
the paper chase of adoption, made friends with the group of
families we traveled with, and have never really looked back.
Any worries or fears i had vanished when my first daughter was
placed into my arms 7 years ago, and other a-parents i have
spoken to with similar issues report similar feelings.
family is family, no matter how you get there
First of all, I am sorry that you have had to experience
four miscarriages. And glad that you have a son, and are also
considering adding to your family through adoption. As a
Marriage and Family Therapist who works with adoption and
infertility issues, my perspective is that infertility and
miscarriage are really significant losses. People are affected
differently, of course; some have a heartache as you mention,
and others are devasted. But it is important to go through the
process of grief, appropriate to the level of loss one is
experiencing. In the adoption community, it is often said that
to feel truly entitled to be an adoptive parent, it is
important to work through the loss and surrounding issues.
Otherwise, unresolved issues can come up in unconscious ways
Open Path (SF) and the national infertility organization
Resolve (online) or short term therapy are great resources if
you feel the need to pursue any other support.
Good luck in your journey,
My husband and I had a very difficult 3 years of infertility
treatments and IVF culminating in two devastating miscarriages.
We had agreed on an end point, though. We couldn't keep trying
IVF forever. It was hard for me to let go of the desire to have
biological children together. For me, that was harder than dealing
with the loss of the miscarriages. My husband just wanted to be a
daddy. He became really enthusiastic about adoption. Once we both
resolved that we did want a baby, and that we'd adopt, the whole
process just flowed along, and we no longer thought of the loss.
As they say, "With adoption, there is ALWAYS a baby." We adopted
domestically - Adoption Connection is wonderful - and we now have
the greatest 7-year-old kid who is a big silly nerd just like his
daddy! I don't even remember why I cared so much about having a
biological child, and can't understand anymore why we waited
so long before starting the adoption process!
I read your email with great empathy. I had 3 miscarriages and
have one healthy, beautiful son. While we did not adopt
following the miscarriages, I just wanted to add some
reflections. No, the heartache does not go away. Yes, it gets
put into perspective. As my life has gone forward, I find I can
hardly remember life without my son, and I am so grateful to be
his mom. That's where most of my attention and focus is. I can
sometimes recall the pain of the miscarriages without feeling the
pain anew. And then there are times--often completely
unexpected--when something triggers the pain anew. I have seen
the same thing happen with women who are in my mother's generation.
I think that you will find yourselves wrapped up and delighted
with your life and your family, however you fill your family. I
hope so. Once in awhile, a renewal of grief is not a bad thing,
it is a true thing. It is part of the tapestry. It's important
to allow that grief, and just as important to return to the
living--your child, your family, your life.
Anon, It's hard to say you ever get over the ache.It's a real
broken feeling inside of you when you know no more kids.I
understood you have one boy. After years, you try to get to
know how to live with it, but people questions keep remembering
you of the pain. Lots of people advice it needs self-confident,
and to tell yourself it can be much worse.Accept the present.
I am the parent of two daughters whom I adopted. I too faced not being
able to have biological child due to medical issues. I remember well
the words of a Kaiser OB/GYN who talked to me when I was
heartbroken. ''In the middle of the night, when your baby is sick and
cries out, you will have no doubt whose child that is''. He was oh so
right. I adopted my first child at birth. By 3 weeks of age I was
head over heels in love with her. if I had been given the choice then
to give her up and give birth to a biological child I would have said
no, no to any other child but this little one My second daughter I
adopted from China as an infant. The agency social worker coming to my
house two months after my daughter arrived home. When she asked me how
I felt about my daughter tears filled my eyes. I simply said, ''she
leaped into my heart''. I think it is important for your husband and
you to explore an important question. What makes a child ''your
own? Is it the genetic link, the act of giving birth or does love
grow from taking care of a child? To me, is the raising of a child,
all 18 years, that makes a parent, that forms the bond. You might
want to talk with a professional who works in the field of adoption,
to discuss your questions and to talk about issues of adoption for
your future child and family as well as issues of race an culture.
I'm the mom of a daughter adopted after my twins were stillborn.
The answer to your question is complicated. I adore my daughter
and can't imagine life without her, but adopting her 10 months
later didn't erase the pain of the loss. We still had to grieve
the loss of our boys. If you feel that adopting is the right way
for you to expand your family at this point, by all means do it,
but at the same time give yourself permission to feel however you
feel about not having another biological child. You can be sad
about that and still be a great parent to all of your
children--no matter how they came into your family. The loss was
devastating, but our daughter wouldn't have come to us without
it, and I'm sure I'm a more consciously grateful parent than I
would have been if becoming a parent had happened more easily.
We also adopted after 4 miscarriages. For me, the joy of a
baby in the house erased the pain. I do still remember that
pain if I think about it, but
it seems more like a very sad movie I saw once that I don't want
to see again. All our attention (and time) is taken
up now with the new, much happier little worries of parenting!
I am currently 6 weeks pregnant and have this terrible and
relentless fear of miscarriage. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks
5 years ago and I guess the fear still lingers. I have a very
healthy 2 year old son and I remember this anxiety when I was
pregnant with him. I'm trying to be very careful, no caffeine
or medications of any kind, that sort of thing. Anyone else
feel this way when pregnant? What, if anything, alleived your
anxiety about having a miscarrige? I'm just hoping to find
some encouragement here, thanks so much
Hoping to be mom of 2
Have faith in yourself and connect with the child inside - it
seems to help dispel the worry somehow. The other little thing
that I noticed after 2 successful pregnancies and a number of
miscarriages was that I did not shave my underarms during the
early pregnancy. It seemed to phermonally help me carry a
pregnancy to term. Has worked for many of the women I have
suggested it to after they also suffered miscarriages.
I can really relate to your post. I was crazy with worry during both my
I had two pregnancy losses before my first child was born and another in
my two children.
In my second pregnancy my husband bought an old used doppler machine
website the specialized in used medical supplies. It looked like it was
80's. It worked much better as my pregnancy progressed and the
stronger. I used it all the time and I would feel so relieved to hear
the heartbeat and
know the baby was OK. I passed it on to a few friends who had similar
It was probably the best 200 dollars we ever spent!
I still worry but about different stuff
I had a miscarriage/ectopic preganancy at 6 weeks and was
scared and saddened when the pregnancy ended. However, all the
time, we were watching our HCG levels and knew they were low so
I had a hint that things may be in jeopardy. When I got
pregnant again, I could barely function I was so anxious.
Thankfully, I was so tired, I slept most of the time! Two
things helped. First, on the physical level, getting several
early ultrasounds (not standard but conducted by my OB because
of my concerns) and seeing that everything was progressing
normally. Second, and this was most helpful, one day I just
decided that the level of anxiety I was experiencing was not
workable for me or the baby. I realized that if something DID
happen to this pregnancy, I didn't want my only link to this
being to be anxiety and fear. And, assuming that the pregnancy
would work out, I also didn't want to start off this crucial
period with anxiey, either. This really helped me snap out it.
Mom of Newborn
I comnpletely understand the fear that you will miscarry
again. I tried for nine months to get pregnant, finally did
and then miscarried shortly after I found out I was pregnant.
I had also had a tubal pregnancy a few years previous. I got
pregnant again the month after I miscarried and was almost
paralized with the fear I'd miscarry again. My Doctor was
great about having me come in every few weeks for an
ultrasound. At about 10 weeks I didn't feel pregnant anymore
and I freaked out. I called my Doctor and he had me come in
for an Ultrasound and we found out everything was ok.
Shortly after that I decided to rent a fetal heart beat
monitor! It's a doppler like they use in the OBs office. I
rented one online at www.babybeat.com. The only thing is that
you won't be able to hear it with the doppler for a few more
weeks because it is still to early and to faint. I knew I
would stay paranoid during my entire pregnancy though so I
rented one until I could really fill that baby move all the
time! It brought such a peace of mind to me during the rest of
my pregnancy though. They are also really affordable.
Good luck - I know how difficult it is to get over the fear of
I was pregnant, via IVF, with twins. They both implanted, everything was
they didn't find any heartbeats. Before that, I had been pregnant three
miscarried also. So when I got pregnant with my (now) son a few months
twin pregnancy, and the others, I was nervous, crazy nervous, just like
I don't know what to tell you. There's no relieving the fear and you'll
it throughout much of your pregnancy. You're doing everything you can
do. It's all
biological. It's not in your control. I'm sure everything will be fine
this time around,
but you can't drive yourself crazy with it. Whatever happens is best for
both you and
the baby. I think you said it was the 6 week mark. That is a terribly
Because at 7 weeks they can find a heartbeat. So I know exactly what you
this week. I've been there
I wish you the best, and wish I could give you a big hug. It's hard.
It's really hard.
Just know that you're not alone. And just know that it's all biological.
--A friend you haven't met yet
Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I really hope everything
works out for you. I would suggest that you make your first
prenatal appointment sooner rather than later - at 6 weeks, you
could probably go in within the next week or two. My OB told me
that once they verify that your baby has a heartbeat, the odds
that you'll miscarry drop significantly - as much as 80%. It
would probably be a big load off your mind to see your baby
thriving and talk about your concerns with an OB and get some
reassurance. Good luck!
I had that same fear. I don't know how helpful this is, but: try not to
think about it.
Don't focus on the fear, every time the thought occurs to you, imagine
your baby safe
in your womb surrounded by white light, and then try to move on to
another thought. I
know it sounds a little loopy, but it helps. Replace negative thought
with a positive
thought. AND drink lots of water, that is supposed to help prevent
Make yourself imagine the fetus healthy.
I had two miscarriages before my first son was born, and I also remember
panics I would feel during pregnancy. I'm so sorry you're going through
this and I
feel for you. I don't have much beyond sympathy to offer you, but one
helped me was a doctor who told me that first trimester miscarriages are
vulnerable to anything environmental or external, anything that you can
do or not
do-- that is, if you're going to miscarry during the first trimester, it
would be due
to genetic abnormalities, not anything (diet, lack of rest, strenuous
that's under your control at all. So then I could relax about my own
also commented that if a fetus miscarries because of genetic
usually means that would not have been able to live outside the womb,
helped too. That doesn't help with fears during the second trimester
(there she said
car accidents, etc., could cause a miscarriage) but during the second
could feel the baby moving and that made it somewhat easier for me. Good
Been there too
I've had 3, and in my opinion the way to not fear is just to make
peace with the fact that miscarriage is a common, normal event,
and though it may be sad it is not in your power to stop it. It
isn't possible to ''be careful'' enough to prevent one, so there is
no use worrying ahead of time.
I had several miscarriages, and I want you to know that your
fears and feelings are understandable, but don't let them get the
better of you. Try thinking of it this way: if this baby makes
it, then he/she must be a strong one! Avoid whatever you think
you need to avoid to keep the baby safe, not necessarily because
you need to but because you do not want to beat yourself up if
you end up w/ another miscarriage. Honestly, the other m/c
probably had nothing to do with you and everything to do with
circumstance, but you would FEEL awful if you had a miscarriage
and thought, I shouldn't have done this or that thing. Been there
myself: intellectually I know that the miscarriages weren't my
fault, but the mother hormones kick in quickly. I'm not saying
this is the best thing to do, but I also managed to not focus on
the pregnancy, to the point that I would be surprised, at 6 mos,
7 mos, when friends would remind me that I was pregnant. So when
my delightful, spunky, opinionated, strong little baby was born,
a few days ahead of schedule, fighting like mad and screaming
revenge when the nurses cleaned her off, I was overwhelmingly
surprised and delighted. (I ''knew'' I was pregnant, but told
myself that I shouldn't expect to have a baby till she came
out--this wasn't as depressing as it sounds, but it did mean that
I didn't do the whole nesting thing, for fear of disappointment).
Remember that miscarriages are MUCH more common than anybody
tells you about. Most people don't tell anyone. Best wishes to you...
Sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had my second child at
43 after two miscarriages. While the miscarriages were extremely
sad for us we knew that we wanted to keep trying, so we did.
What I learned along the way in getting fertility suuport was
that if you are doing insemination do two proceedures during
your fertile time. My husbands sperm count was lower, so we did
the spin, and my progesterine was not substantially low but it
was low. I asked for, and recieved, a progesterin insert once
we were pregnant following the 2 miscarriages. I was told by
one Dr. that there was no real proof that it works, but I feel
like it did. I think it is important. (Have you had your
Oh, and I also did accupuncture to get my cycle on track after
each miscarriage with Dr. Oh in Lake Merrit area.
I personally think our culture makes too big a deal about having
a child in your forties.
I recently had a miscariage of an unplanned pregnancy. This is
a first for me, both being pregnant and miscarrying. I have a
few questions: Is it normal for me to be so physically
exhausted? My emotions are all over the place, which I figured
to be normal but how long does that last? It's been 4 weeks
since I first started bleeding and I am starting to feel
''back to normal.'' BUT the last few days, everytime I see
kids, all I can think of is having my own. Before this
incident, I wanted to wait because we were NOT ready, but
lately this is all I can think of. Is this normal? I am 25
years old and am in need of some guidance and advice. I
haven't told anyone in our family because this is something
they are all looking forward to and I don't want them to have
to feel this pain. Please tell me your thoughts. Thank you...
I am so sorry to hear about your loss! It doesn't really
matter if the pregnancy was planned or not, to lose it means
you have to deal with the loss. It sounds like what you are
experiencing is perfectly normal, if painful. Your body
will settle down, for me (I've had three miscarriages) it
usually took 1-2 cycles before my body felt strong and ready
to go forward. But the emotions took longer to work
through. It is completely normal to think about children
and about being pregnant, even to obsess about it for a
while. But I do recommend you get some help to work through
all of the emotions. You say you didn't think you were
ready for children before this happened, so it might be a
good idea to more formally work through your feelings now,
alone and with your partner. You might ask your doctor for
recommendations for grief-work groups. I know there are
many out here that deal with pregnancy loss, and an ob/gyn
office would be sure to know what is current. You might
also check the archives here to find an individual
therapist who can help you deal with the loss.
You WILL feel better in time. All the same, this loss with
be with you forever, a part of your personal story. My wish
for you is that you can find solace for now, and that the
experience of this loss will open you to a deeper gratitude
when children do come your way.
I wish you peace
Oh honey, I feel for you. After three miscarriages (and one
child born in the midst of them), I know how much losing a
pregnancy makes you understand what's at stake. I don't
think you're abnormal. I think you've been introduced, all
of a sudden and in a hard, hard way, to the world of longing
to have a child.
You mentioned that you hadn't told anyone in your family
because you want to spare them the pain. If I have any
advice, it'd be to reconsider that. I did the same thing for
2 out of 3 losses, and I know it put me back. Really,
seriously back. At least tell a friend who can help you out.
I am very sorry for your loss. When reading your post I felt
compelled to write and suggest finding some extra support
from a compassionate therapist. Be kind to yourself -- this
is very difficult. Best wishes to you in your recovery.
I lost my first son, who was planned, at full term for
unknown reasons. After going through this tragic ordeal, (4
1/2 yrs ago now) I've had occasion to talk to a lot of
people with all varieties of similar experience, so I would
venture to share with you. The idea of a child is so huge,
so important, so full of so much, the loss of that
particular idea that had taken shape inside of you for a
while is a lot to process. Your body, your brain and all
that makes up the rest of you is deeply involved. It's a big
change to go from not pregnant to pregnant and then back
again- no matter what the circumstances! Planned, unplanned,
early miscarraige, live birth, full term still birth, SIDS,
or abortion. It's really intense, it seems there is no way
around that. Sometimes we can't process it right away fully,
for your body to remain affected is totally normal. I don't
know exactly how long the bleeding lasts in this
circumstances, you can probably find a midwife in the phone
book or talk to your doctor about that. I was obsessed with my
son's loss for pretty much every second of the day for
months and months. Slowly slowly gradually gradually it
lessened and loosened as I dealt with it all. It seems that
people who have early miscarraiges are often treated like it
shouldn't be that bad as they did not have as much time to
attach to the child. It may be true that it is easier
earleir than later, but that does not mean it is easy.
While it may be virtuous and proper ettiquitte to keep this
loss to yourselves and not tell your family, that is a big
burden to bear alone. One of the hardest things for me after
losing Finnegan was how upset others would get when I would
tell them. It seemed they didn't want to hear such sad news,
yet I was bursting with it every minute. I don't mean to
compare to your experience, as we are all so different, but
I would encourage you to talk to someone. Maybe your closest
friends/family could bear some of the pain with with you as
grief can be so very isolating. I found through my
experience that our culture really doesn't like to deal with
death, and death of a child, or miscarraige, while very
common, is not talked about, and thus; quite misunderstood.
Yes, looking at children will bring up the loss. Every
baby, car seat, stroller, baby back pack etc. had me in
bits. I craved a child with everything in me. Because I was
full term, I really had to let go of that particular child
before I could be ready for a new one. We conceived our
second son 2 years to the month that we lost our first. We
needed that time to process our experience, it was just
right for us, but there is no right way for everyone.
Having a second child has by no means replaced the first
one, but it has filled our empty arms and given us such a
tremendous joy and fullness, there is less grief in the
experience of being fulfilled with a child. You are young,
and you have time if that is what you honestly want. Your
emotions will take whatever time they need to sort
themselves out. Hormonally, again you should probably speak
to a midwife or doctor for some concrete facts on that. I
know how it is, once you lose one that longing is strong- it
seems really really natural and normal to me, and to so many I've
spoken to. Only you can find your own experience, but it is
yours, and there is nothing wrong with you for it being
precisely just how it is.
I'm so sorry for your loss. First of all, you may want to
see if you are anemic and may like to take some iron--I was
anemic for a long time after I had my son and didn't realize
how exhausted it made me. Exercise will help to even out the
Secondly, find someone in your family, maybe an aunt, to
chat with. Your family will understand the miscarriage and
your feelings about children. Miscarriages are quite common,
not that they are not painful, and there is probably a woman
in your family who will understand.
We had quite a time of it conceiving our son and didn't tell
anyone, after a miscarriage or two, and they were all a
little surprised I didn't say anything.
You may need to put a polite halt to discussion later--with
my family, I have to let them know I'm done talking about
something, as they will often bring it up. Be prepared to
stand up for yourself with family, too, but it's likely
Feel better soon!
mommy who's been there
Your feelings are totally normal. For one thing, your
hormone levels just changed when you were pregnant, with
certain hormones increasing to levels you have never
experienced before, and then they came right back down with
the miscarriage, which would leave anyone feeling more
emotional. You should be back to normal soon. I didn't
realize how much I wanted children until the first time I
was pregnant. I was one week late with my period (the
pregnancy was unplanned) and I was starting to really
realize that I may be pregnant. I started spotting and
assumed it was my period and I was suddenly so depressed.
Boy, did I want kids after that moment. Luckily I was
pregnant and it was just some spotting from implantation.
Let your body recover from the miscarriage and from the
emotional rollercoaster and then decide if you want to start
trying again for a child right away or if you want to wait.
You are young so you have time still.
One unfortunate fact about being a woman and having children
is miscarraige. They are extremely common, and out of all
the women who have been pregnant, more of them had had
miscarraiges than have not had them. I bet some older
female relatives of yours have had a miscarriage, so if you
told them about the miscarriage, they would understand. One
fortunate thing about miscarriage is that miscarraiges do
not affect your future fertility, so you good to go to try
again when you are ready.
If you can't seem to get a handle on your emotions, make an
appt with a counselor to talk these feelings through, but
please know that these feelings are normal.
I'm so so sorry. Yeah, it's totally normal to be feeling
all the things you describe. And it'll get better week by
week. I still think about my miscarriage (of a planned
pregnancy) and it was a year and a half ago, but it's not
really painful anymore. If you have anyone close to you
who's been through a miscarriage themselves I'd suggest
talking to them. My family tried to be supportive but
didn't really know what to say to me, and my husband was
clueless too, but talking to a couple of friends who'd been
through it (who aren't even that close actually) really
helped a lot. I have a wonderful 7 month old daughter now,
Does anyone know of any reason I couldn't try to get pregnant
after my first period post-dnc/miscarriage? I keep reading and
hearing you should wait for emotional reasons, but the clock is
ticking over here and I am ready to roll.
I went through this too and when I asked the doctor, she said the
MAIN reason they want you to wait one cycle is so they can
accurately date the pregnancy (your cycle will take at least a
month to regulate post miscarriage). I've also heard it's good
to wait to build up the lining again, etc, etc, but the dating
thing was my doc's primary reason.
Sorry about your loss. I just had a miscarriage myself in
January. My doctor's advice and from what I've read, the big
deal about waiting 2 cycles is to give your body a chance to
recover and more importantly to allow yourself to recover
emotionally. Doctors are afraid to deal with ''difficult''
patients. They are concerned that you may be overly obssessed
with monitoring during the early weeks of the pregnancy. But
aside from that there isn't any major obstacle to trying again
soon. My doctor said there was one small study that said
waiting 2 cycles slightly decreased the likelihood of a repeat
miscarriage. Good luck.
Our doctor (a very distinguished publishing academic) said that
it is best to wait at least one or two cycles for the uterus to
return fully to its pre-pregnancy condition, or else you would
have a greater risk of pre-term delivery even if you do get
pregnant. Also, if you haven't done so already, getting
a ''post-partum'' ultra-sound will show if you have started to
ovulate again. His advice was three cycles, but it sounded
like the third cycle was for emotional reasons, not medical.
I got pregnant the first month after a miscarriage and everything
was fine. I had also heard you should wait 3 months or something
like that, but I checked with my midwife (Lindy Johnson) who told
me that wasn't necessary and that if my body was ready, I could
First off - I want to tell you I've been where you are, I know
it's a really tough time, when the clock is ticking every month
your wait feels like forever.
BUT - I would say wait until you get one regular period - and
THEN go for it again. I've heard a variety of reasons for this,
some of which may be old wives tales, but in the end my
experience is that it is better to wait.
I had three friends who got pregnant the month after they
miscarried. Two got pregnant with twins, and both lost the
babies, one at 5 months, the other at 7. It was horrible. The
third had a singleton, but the baby was very premature, and had a
rough time for the first year. This may have had nothing to do
with the timing of conception, but it seems natural to me that
your hormones and the whole system, needs time to settle in after
a miscarriage -
After I had a miscarriage I wanted badly to try again as soon as
I could. I would have, except that when my period DID come again,
it was on a strange schedule, and didn't match up with my normal
cycle, given when I'd had the D&C. My husband was out of town, so
we had to wait. My period came the second month after the D&C,
about six weeks later (so two weeks late), we tried the month
after that and got pregnant with my son, who is a healthy happy 4
My experience..for what it is worth. Whatever you decide, best of
figure the wait is worth it
I have a friend who is currently about 30 weeks pregnant and
got pregnant the first month after a miscarriage. So, I don't
think there's any reason to wait. I also had a miscarriage and
went ahead trying to get pregnant again right after my first
Trying again after a miscarriage
I had a miscarriage between kids 2 and 3. I was not planning on getting
away, but only had one period before I was pregnant again. I had
previa with the new pregnancy (not sure if it was related or not).
out fine with me. I think you need to know your body well enough to know
if you are
ready. I think you are the only one to decide. Sorry to hear about your
Go for it! I had many miscarriages, and seemed to get preg more
easily after a m/c. The first m/c was traumatizing, but after the
2nd/3rd etc (sigh) I was just angry, & wanted to get preg. You
should be the guide of your own emotions. If you're traumatized,
then wait. If you're ready, go for it. Just don't tell others,
because those who are lucky enough to have never miscarried, or
who only miscarried once, or may have been traumatized by it, may
find it troubling, which may make you feel awkward. I remember
feeling a little guilty about the fact that I just wanted to move
on (when everybody else wanted me to grieve and dwell). I
grieved/dwelled for a short time, then I suppose I steeled myself
against it, since the clock was ticking. And it's nobody's
business but you're own. PS I did eventually carry to term, and I
think I was downright surprised about it, and I saw that baby as
one strong little soul! I also didnt' tell anybody I was preg
till the amnio, b/c it's really painful to tell people you're not
pregnant anymore, especially those who aren't close to you...)
No reason to wait, especially since you are more fertile for a
cycle or two following a miscarriage. I'm sorry for your loss.
There is no evidence-based reason to wait to conceive. Once
you've had one normal period, you can go for it. I conceived my
one-year-old before I got a period after a miscarriage, even
though I had planned to wait! Best of luck.
OB/GYN nurse practitioner
I had a miscarriage on October 27, 2004. We started trying
again, against my doctor's wishes, after my first period in
December figuring my body would know when it was right! We were
pregnant in January and I delivered a healthy, little boy in
I say listen to your heart, good luck!
My understanding is that you should wait for two cycles before conceiving
reproductive rather than emotional reasons. Apparently, there is a
risk of another miscarriage if you conceive again before your body has
time to recover
-- and two cycles is thought to be enough time. Obviously, there will be
lots of cases
of people who were successful after one cycle (I imagine some will write
in) but I
believe there is actually a heightened risk of miscarriage, and if you do
you'll push the clock back even farther. You could roll the dice and get
waiting two cycles is probably the safest course...
i have heard to wait for a while, in order for your nutritional
stores to come back up. the longer the pregnancy was, the longer
you should wait. somewhere between 3 mos for a short pregnancy,
to 9 mos for a second trimester loss.
you probably lost blood, and your body needs time to replace it.
you can follow the hemoglobin levels to see what's circulating,
but the rise there is partly from replacement from bone marrow
stores. that gives you enough red blood cells to get through the
day without feeling exhausted, but it's not optimal for building
a new human being.
besides new blood cells (and ferritin, the form of iron used to
make hemoglobin), you also need to replace mineral stores.
so waiting a while, and paying attention to eating very well
(such as iron rich foods), and taking a trace mineral supplement,
will give you what you need to give your baby a strong healthy start.
~can't give the baby what you don't have enough of.
There can be a great deal of emotion and feelings that arise with a pregnancy post
miscarriage. In addition to seeking some counseling to help sort through all of the
feelings, putting some healing energy into your body is also a very good idea.
Acupuncture is a very gentle way to help your body heal from the miscarriage as well
as prepare for the next pregnancy. Homeopathy can help smooth out the rough edges
and is totally safe during pregnancy. I would be happy to speak with you further and
answer any questions you might have. My office number is ________.
Before getting pregnant again, make sure your folic acid and iron
levels are back up to where they need to be. If your miscarriage
occurred at less than 12 weeks, and if your folic acid and iron
levels have returned to normal, there is no reason to wait before
trying again, especially if you're over 35. If your miscarriage
occurred after 12 weeks, ask your doctor what the waiting time
recommended by current research is.
There is absolutely no scientific evidence that acupuncture
and/or homeopathy are helpful after a miscarriage.
Has anyone successfully done IVF to get around a balanced
chromosomal translocation? I have one and we had one child
successfully and found out that both he and I had a translocation
from the CVS. Just miscarried for the 2nd time at 11 weeks and
we are thinking about using IVF and PGD to get around it. I have
a 50% chance of miscarriage per pregnancy. We were thinking we
could do PGD and get the embryo that doesn't have the
translocation, but wondering if we are just as good off if we try
naturally and play the odds (I get pregnant quite easily). I
have heard Zouves in Daly City is the man to go to if we do.
My wife has a chromosomal translocation as well (6-9), which we
didn't discover till we'd had two miscarriages. Our history was
as follows (starting when my wife was ~36:
--First pregnancy miscarried at around 12 weeks
--About three months later, second pregnancy miscarried at around
--Three months later, third pregnancy carried to term
--2.5 years later, 4th pregnancy carried to term (with our second
daughter carrying the translocation as well)
We were given the same odds you were (roughly 50% chance of
miscarriage) and also like you, had no troubles getting pregnant.
I obviously can't speak as to whether IVF would help, as we just
stuck with it naturally.
Best of luck to you as you try to sort out how to proceed.
I too have a balanced translocation as well as my 14 month old.
Before we had him I tried ivf with the posibility of pgd.
Basically, i did not stimulate well(only 4 eggs). they said it
was not enough to continue with pgd since some of the eggs would
be lost in the transporting and testing. i was devistated. then i
read that pepole with translocations tend to not produce as many
eggs with stim meds. I too get pregnant very easily naturally. we
tried on our own after the whole ordeal, and had a healthy
baby(with the same translocation as me). I would love to talk to
you more about this. you can email me directly.
i'm so sorry about your second miscarriage. if it's of any help,
we successfully did ivf using polar body testing. we were
initially going to do pgd for chromosomal issues, but decided to
do polar body testing instead. it's much less invasive than pgd
as it's testing just a strand of the egg and not the embryo
itself. it's also useful when you know it's an egg issue and not
a sperm issue. we had four eggs tested and surprisingly the two
larger ''stronger'' eggs had chromosome issues and the two smaller
''weaker'' eggs were healthy. the embryologist told us if they
hadn't tested they would have transferred the larger abnormal
eggs. thankfully, we avoided a 6th miscarriage.
there are two ivf clinics in the country who are capable of doing
p.b. testing - ccrm in colorado (considered the most successful
ivf clinic in the country) and a clinic in chicago.
I've recently loss a pregnancy and and very depressed from it.
I still have to take care of a 2.5 year old boy. I have help
from family right now but will not for long. I am very anxious
and nervous about it. Does anyone have any tips and advice on
how to best do this when I have such low energy and am so sad
about children in general? I don't think I can afford a nanny,
but it's very scary to have to be with the child all the time.
The weather also has not been very good to take him out to
preoccupy his time.
sad and worried
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost a pregnancy when my son
was about 2, and it was very hard to balance the emotions and the
demands of childcare. A few things helped me. First, finding people who
understood and would help with the childcare through thingss like
playdates. You might check out parks, toddler play cafes, even BPN
listings for playgroups. You might also check with your ob/gyn about
support groups--there must be some that offer play groups! Second:
playing with my child.
There is nothing like yielding to the joys of loving a child to heal
you. When you get some support for yourself, I think that will be
easier and more enjoyable. Are you married? Ask your spouse for help.
Ask friends and relatives for help too. Hard as it may be at first, now
is the time to bond with others. I wish you well.
First of all, if you are depresssed, you should get help. Start with
counseling and perhaps medication, if you are not opposed to meds. You
shouldn't have to just ''cheer up'' after such a loss...it is a big deal
and you should get help getting through it.
As for your son, rather than looking at him as an obstacle to getting
better, why not look at him as a means to get better? Yes you lost a
child, but you still have one that loves you and needs you. Pour your
love into him and make him your special buddy.
Try to have some nice reading time and craft time. Let his sweet
innocence help pull you out of your despair.
My dear sister-in-law just miscarried her 6.5 month old baby.
She is really devastated, as is my brother. She would have been
there first child. She has the nursery all done and had a baby
shower just recently and has all these baby things around the
house. She is quite overweight so it is not-so-obvious that she
isn't pregnant anymore so people constantly ask her ''How's the
little girl doing?'' and it breaks her apart. As a good friend
of hers, I was just wondering if anyone had experienced this and
had people be really supportive/helpful. Other than listening
and praying, is there anything I could do? Thanks
That poor woman. I never miscarried that late, but from my
experience, one of the worst things was having to answer those
questions about the pregnancy that was no longer. If she's up
for it, you could be the one to contact her friends and
acquaintances to let them know the sad news. Other than that, I
think the easiest thing would be to just do things with her for
a while, and let her know that if she wants to talk about it
again, and again, and again (till she gets it out of her system)
you'd be a wonderful and very special friend. If you're close
enough to her, you can also ask her if she'd like you to help
her do something with the shower toys and nursery things, and
you can even say something to empathize with her, but when she's
a little more ready, you can say, I know it's too early to think
about it now, but you'll probably have a healthy baby in the
future, so you probably don't want to get rid of these
things.... (but would it help her to remove them for now?) I've
also heard about premature deaths (it's only a miscarriage until
3 months, technically) holding some kind of ritual to say
goodbye, send the baby on to a better place, etc.
We also lost a baby and the support of friends meant the world to us. A few things
that helped us the most follow: Friends letting other friends know what happened
we didn't have to. In retrospect, I also wished we had some sort of commemoration
but we were in no shape to plan it ourselves, a friend taking that on, with our
permission, would have been wonderful for us. (we did have something on the year
anniversary and it was very valuable). Another thing that helped a ton was people
brought us food -- every 2 or 3 days and would stay and visit. A friend organized
and scheduled people.
There are also some great books --''Empty cradle broken heart'', ''Still to be
etc. I would also recommend encouraging her to seek counseling as losing a baby at
6.5 months is a tremendous loss. I am a therapist I would happily help her find a
trusted therapist to work with. Another very helpful thing for us was the Alta
''Walk to Remember'' (in October) commemorating the loss of pregnancies and
infants. Offering her resources and letting her know that you are there to listen
huge support. Everyone grieves differently, respecting her approach is key.
It also helped u when friends that acknowledged the grief process was long and
the loss would never disappear and they were going to be there to listen even
the initial crisis is over. I have read this kind of loss takes 4 years to
process. It is
also very helpful after a trauma to be able to tell the story and recall important
thoughts and moments over and over. Listening again and again can make you feel
connected to her and it is very good for processing. Finally,when people offer to
help by saying ''if there is anything I can do'' It actually put too much
us to figure out what I needed and ask for it. It was great when people either
jumped in and did things i.e just bringing a meal or asking specific helping
questions like can I pick something up for you? Massage was also very helpful for
me but may be too evocative for some people.
If you or she would like to talk further feel free to email me
I am so sorry to hear of your family's loss. When you have a quiet moment with
Sister In-Law (do check with both) perhaps you could ask her how she would like to
memorialize her baby. Perhaps she would like you to make a gift to a charity that
supports people going through this terrible ordeal, or hold a service. Ask her if
okay with her if you contact people she knows to let the know what has happened.
Then you could send everyone a note saying something like,
''Dear friends and extended family, our dear Jane and John Doe have tragically
their baby girl, named ______, who was due to arrive _____. Please keep them in
thoughts (or prayers/meditations), and surround them with your love, for this is a
time of great sorrow and terrible grief. The family (is, or is not) accepting
phone calls at this time. The memorial service will be held _________. If you
memorial contribution may be made to _(entity of family's choice)...''
Some may disagree that this is not the type of announcement one sends notes out
about, but I think it would spare your sister and brother's hearts, and also helps
friends stay ''in the loop'' and gives them something to do in this situation
members & friends feel so helpless when something like this happens). Also, your
sister and brother in-law will appreciate the gifts made to a charity in their
If she lives close by, I would call and offer to deal with
the ''nursery'' - pack up stuff, label it and put in away - in a
place she does not have to see it (deep basement, friends house
etc). if she wants, paint the room, go to IKEA, get some basic
stuff. This happened to me and it took so long to reclaim the
room - for months and months it was so awful to look at. If she
is in the bay area there is a great therapist - she wrote a book
on pregancy loss- but her name escapes me -- I am sure its in
the archives of BPN. Be there, listen. The holidays will be
awful as well as her due date. Maybe help her make a plan to get
thru both. She is lucky to have you
I wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful, caring, sister-
in-law. I haven't been in that situation but I am quite
overweight also and can imagine how painful that would be.
Personally I would suggest just hiding out for a few months and
not talking to people. Over time everyone will learn about the
miscarriage and then she won't get so many of those awful
questions. I would retreat and protect and regroup privately.
I don't see any other way to handle it
Recently I had a miscarriage due to a uterine infection. I am
wondering if there are other women out there who have had the
same thing happen.
This past week I felt very sick, temperature, body aches, sore
legs, chills, etc. I thought I had the flu. A day later my water
broke at 16 weeks. I ended up losing my little son. The doctors
think I may have had a uterine infection or some other infection.
I was in the hospital for a week on heavy antibiotics since the
infection was so bad.
I am stuck thinking I did something or maybe I am just not
healthy enough for this to have happened in the first place.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been through a miscarriage and
pain. Please don't take on that burden of guilt. You cannot accept
''blame'' for this;
miscarriages happen and the more compassion you can feel for yourself, the
Sending you many good thoughts during this awful time.
Knows pain of miscarriage
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's one of the most
terrible things that can happen. Please give your self time to
grieve this one loss before you start worrying about future
pregnancies. It will help you go forward if you give yourself
time right now. Talk to your doctor about your experience, and
maybe even about your feelings of loss and fear. He or she will
probably be able to refer you to groups that offer support. And
try to trust your doctor's thoughts about future pregnancies.
I had three miscarriages, though I don't think any of them were
caused by an infection. In my experience, you will always have
some fears, but they don't have to dominate your feelings.
Miscarriage is a surprisingly common experience, though that does
not make it any easier to experience. However, take a look
around you at all the people here. Nature has her ways, and most
babies are born healthy. I wish you peace, and wish you the
best in your future pregnancies
You poor dear. My heart truly goes out to you. Please consider
contacting Dr. Attila Toth in New York City. I know it's far, but
trust me, its worth it. I have been seeing him in the past year
for recurrent miscarriage. He is 'out of the box' in terms of
treatment, but he is truly the best doctor you could ever want to
have for this type of issue. He specializes in exactly what is
happening to you and can possibly help you. He has a yahoo group
as well, lots of information there. Good luck to you.
A Toth patient
Please help me. I have just experienced my 3rd and most traumatic m/c in a row.
The 1st was a blighted ovum and ended naturally at 6 weeks. With the 2nd we saw
a heartbeat at 6 weeks but no h/b by 7 weeks. I took pills to make my uterus
contract. The 3rd was going really, really well. At 9 weeks, things looked great.
10 weeks, no heartbeat. I had a D&C. I have had a whole slew of testing (@ Kaiser
Oakland), and they can find no cause for my issues. They are going to try to test
the tissue of this most recent m/c to look for chromosomal abnormalities. I am 32
and otherwise very healthy. Husband has also been tested. No problems in either
of our families. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any recommendations for
how to handle this? Further diagnosis and treatment? I am just so sad and
frustrated right now. Thank you!!
I was in a very similar situation about 5 years ago...I had 3
miscarriages in a row (all at different points in the
pregnancies; one was ectopic). Like you, my husband and I
were tested, which led to no conclusive results. This was
one of the hardest times of my life. It was really hard to do
everything--go to work, plan my life, be with pregnant
women, enjoy other people's children, etc. It really felt like
God was out to get me.
The thing that helped me the most was to take care of
myself as best I could. I didn't go to 1-year old birthday
parties or baby showers, and told my friends why. Since we
were not ready to consider adoption, my husband and I
made plans for a life without children, which ended up
sounding like a life we would be able to enjoy. I cried so, so,
so much. I also gave myself a deadline and tried to figure
out how much more loss I could bear...I didn't want to spend
a decade trying to have a baby...I wanted to move on.
The happy ending is that now I am 37, have a 3 year old,
and am 8 months pregnant with my second child. With both
pregnancies, I ended up taking baby aspirin and using
progesterone suppositories every day of the first trimester.
(Who knows if this helped or not?)
I'm not sure knowing my story will make you feel better,
since you don't know what will happen in your situation. I do
know that finding out about other women's fertility issues
made me at least feel less alone. But, whenever I found out
that someone who'd been having trouble was successfully
pregnant, I felt both happy and jealous. Infertility is a really
rough road. I think that most people just don't get how hard it
is unless they have been there themselves.
my heart is with you
I am so sorry for your losses.
If you are interested in therapy or a group, I know of 2 very
skilled practitioners who speicalize in pregnancy loss:
Kim Kluger-Bell (510) 524-1475
Donna Rothert (510)273-9548
I saw Kim after I lost a baby & know Donna personally &
professionally. They are both great resources.
Best of luck to you.
Have you had your husband's and your blood work up done with a
genetics specialist? My mother and my sister had repeated
miscarriages and we found out (through amnio's and bloodwork)
that our family carries a ''balanced translocation.'' I have it,
my brother has it and so does my sister that we know of. My
brother passed it to his son and my son mutated his own! Since
it is balanced there is no developmental issues, but one issue
is that pregnancies are harder to carry b/c you can create
genetic anomolies with the balanced translocation. If one
partner has one, the chances of miscarriage are greater. You
can google balanced translocation and find more info....
I've been in your boat almost exactly except the 3rd m. was at 12 weeks.
Hang in there. It took us 3 years, but at age 37, I delivered a healthy and
beautiful baby boy. We didn't do anything but rest in between
pregnancies. The third miscarriage and fourth pregnancy elapsed time
was about 14 months.
We didn't do any testing at Kaiser, but I did talk regularly with my Kaiser
nurse practicioner. The hardest part is wanting a baby so badly and not
feeling that it will ever happen and then running into friends and
relatives who are successfully reproducing with abandon. Find a friend
in the same boat and pour your heart and grief out.
The second hardest part is the hormone roller coaster. Know that you
are on it and give yourself and your partner extra kindness. Best wishes
Hi - First let me tell you how sorry I am for your losses. They are real and hurt
very much. I also suffered three miscarriages between my boys so I can really
If you aren't already, see Erica Breneman at Kaiser, Oakland. She's the best and
finally did figure out (in conjunction with Drs Newman and Walton) what was
causing my repeat miscarriages. Have you been tested specifically for Lupus
Anticoagulant Antibodies? It was not a test that Dr. Brenaman ordered until I
requested it - having read about it online and in books about miscarriage. Lo and
behold, that's what it was - and it's pretty common. It's treated with baby aspirin
and progesterone suppositories during early pregnancy. I think it was discovered as
a common cause of miscarriage in 1984 and is pretty controversial, because the
general rule has always been to totally avoid aspirin during pregnancy. Anyway, see
Dr. B and ask her to order the tests for this for you. She was so sweet and
empathetic and, when I finally became pregnant again, she allowed me to have HCG
levels drawn in the early weeks to confirm that the pregnancy was ''sticking.'' It
and I have a lovely baby boy now who just turned one! (As an aside, I didn't have
this condition when attempting to get pregnant five years earlier - easy conception,
easy pregnancy, lovely boy #1!)
-I wish you luck.
have you had them check your uterus for abnormalities? i have a
bicorunate (heart shaped - the uterus is split in half) uterus
which was not discovered until my water broke early and after
two days of trying to induce labor nothing happened and they
sent me to surgery. for some women it just causes an early
delivery, for others it can cause miscarrages. it is sometimes
difficult to diagnose (i made it to 37 wks and they only found
it during the c-section).
First, let me express my deepest condolence for your loss with
your third miscarriage. I had an early pregnancy loss and
sadly, know many friends who also had miscarriages. My good
friend and clinical psychologist, Donna Rothert, PhD
(www.donnarothert.com) has a web site with many books and
information about pregnancy loss and support groups you may
want to consider. There's also a book by Jon Cohen
called ''Coming to Term' which came out last year. I hope this
information is helpful to you during this difficult period.
You've already got a lot of answers to this question but repeated
miscarriages can also be caused by thyroid issues, this is more
common than some of the clotting disorders mentioned, and
commonly overlooked. More info about this is in this list and on
line check about.com. Best wishes.
I did not respond to the earlier post, because I did not know
what exactly the antibodies problem is called. I am glad many
individuals took the time to tell you about it. I was tested
after 1st miscarriage, and told it was not a problem. After a
second miscarriage and two failed IVF's, I was tested again,
and it was an issue. My fertility doctor told me you can
sometimes develop the condition after a failed pregnancy. The
test was relatively inexpensive (especially in relevance to the
cost of the IVF). I gave myself heparin shots through the
first trimester and now have a beautiful baby. My regular ob
(who had me tested the first time) still did not think I had
the condition or that the heparin was necessary, but I was
willing to do anything at that point and she did not override
my fertility doctor. So even if you are borderline or it is
not showing up at all, you might ask your doctor about taking
baby aspirin anyway to see if it works. I have more than one
friend who had the same condition but was able to carry a baby
after taking heparin (I hope spelling is correct). I wish you
the best on this difficult journey.
I'm only 22 but last June I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. When
I went into my first appointment with my OB she could not find
a heart beat. I had a D&C and seemed to recover pretty well.
The only strange thing is that I didn't have a period until
last month (that's 7 months with no periods). I'm wondering if
anyone else has had similar experiences after a miscarriage.
Did it take a really long time for you to menstruate again?
Does anyone know if it has anything to do with being very
irregular? When I was on the pill my periods were very regular
but before they were very irregular. Can anyone give me some
advice as to what I should do about this whole thing? I'm lost
and confused and scared to go to the doctor because I don't
want them to tell me something is wrong with my uterus. How
long did it take you to get pregnant after your miscarriage if
you are irregular like me? Help set my mind at ease please!!
I had a miscarriage too & did not get a period. But if you want
to try to conceive again, then do it now. I miscarried in Feb.
last year & had a successful pregnancy a couple of months later.
After a miscarriage or even given birth, conceiving becomes a
lot easier. So don't worry about your period, just keep having
sex. I didn't know I was pregnant the second time since I didn't
have a period, so that can be good too then you won't be so
worried about another miscarriage & the next thing you know you
will go to the doctor thinking something is wrong & you would
already be past your 1st trimester. At least that's what happen
to me........Good Luck!
I had a similar experience. I miscarried at 10 weeks and did
no! t begin menstruating again for several months. I also have an
irregular cycle when not taking the pill. Before I miscarried,
my OB thought that I might have a bicornuate uterus. After the
miscarriage I had a histeosalpincagram (Sp?) to confirm the
uterine abnormality. Needless to say, this added to the anxiety
I already felt after miscarrying.
Now for the good news...eight months after the miscarriage, I
conceived w/o intervention and now have a beautiful 6 month old
Please feel free to email me directly if you want to know more.
Irregular periods rarely mean there is something wrong with
your uterus. Periods are more affected by your hormones.
Since you were pregnant, your hormones changed to support a
pregnancy. They have to revert back to a nonpregnant state and
it can take a while. Especially if you have had irregular
periods in the past. But don't be afraid to go to your OB.
The problem could be as simple as having a thyroid imbalance.
Or perhaps you have Poly Cystic Ovary Disease (espeically if
you are overweight). Your OB may also look at your fertility
hormones such as FSH and LH (blood work). But again, it is
highly unlikely it has anything to do with the structure of
I also had a miscarriage followed by a DNC and it took me
several months to start my period again. You should definitely
go and see your doctor. I was put on medication to induce my
period and that has helped me become more regular again. I have
typically been more regular but you should not be afraid to see
your doctor. They are there to help you understand your body
and explain the changes that can happen. Good luck and ask lots
I have had irregular periods since I started menstruating. I
would often go 6-9 months before getting a period. If you had
irregular periods before getting pregnant, then it's not
suprising that you didn't have a period for 7 months after. I
think that the best thing you can do is talk to your doctor about
it. Worrying about whether there is something seriously wrong isnot going to make it easier to get pregnant. Stress can affect
your ability to get pregnant. When I was 23 I had a whole
work-up at the doc to see why I was irregular...they didn't find
anything wrong. And now that I am older (and weigh more), I find
that my periods are much more regular...for me, it was my weight.
I'm much older than you but have always had irregular periods,
and never found that the m/c affected my period much. Checking
it out to find out what could be the problem may be a good idea,
and frankly, you're lucky to be your age in that most problems
have a solution if you have time. I have heard of someone still
being pregnant after a m/c (i.e. she miscarried a twin), but
that wouldn't happen after a D&C, and you could be missing your
periods for other reasons, including diet or exercise.
I also have irregular periods (and now have 2 beautiful girls).
Get a good book on conceiving using natural methods...learn how
to recognize the signs that you are ovulating.
I have a friend who has lost 5 babies to late miscarriages (at
around 6 months each time). Her family has pushed her to forget
about the babies because they weren't born yet, but I see in her
heart she wants to acknowledge that they were her children. I'd
like to get her some small, discrete something as a memorial for
them. Something she could keep on her dresser or mantle to
remind her that she is a mother and has carried 5 children. She
has mementos from the last baby, pictures and a shirt, but
nothing from the others. Any ideas on what a good gift might be?
As a person who had several miscarriages (though earlier in the
process), I can only say that your desire to memorialize your
friend's losses is both caring and vitally important. I am a
psychotherapist, too, and believe strongly that feeling,
acknowledging and mourning those losses is totally important.
Holding onto the feelings or not acknowledging them can create
all kinds of problems for the future, including emotional as
well as physical problems. Your offer of help can save your
friend from such a fate. If she had names for these children,
you might consider making a watercolor, painting or drawing that
includes each of their names and framing it for her to view when
she wants. I see lovely spring flowers around their names when
I imagine your gift!
What about a small charm bracelet - she can wear on days
(anniversaries?) she need to be close, and have out on her
dresser if she wants to see it daily, but can also be tucked away
on days when the reminder is more painful than comforting. Your
thoughtfulness and time in acknowledging her losses, regardless
of a physical token or gift, is, in itself, acknowledgement
enough. An ear is a great gift, it is okay to ask her about her
feelings and offer a willingness to listen. Although her partner
may be feeling losses too, we all have our own way of dealing
with the grief and she likely needs to talk to someone outside of
You're a great friend to be so thoughtful. Maybe just talking to
her (that is letting her do all the talking) would be helpful?
Being able to acknowledge her and her loss is a very powerful
tool for healing. For a token in rememberence of the children
perhaps something small like a ring with their birthstones or a
necklace with an angel (or wings)? For me I would want something
that I could keep private and share with others only when I
I too have miscarried although they were early (13 weeks)
compared to your friend. Part of my difficulty in getting over it
was that nobody wanted to acknowledge it, which made me feel very
invalidated (as if it was all in my head). The one thing that
pushed me on to the road of recovery (from the depression that
followed my first miscarriage) was a close family friend that
knew I was pregnant and no one told her that I'd miscarried. She
saw me across the room (my head only) and shouted ''Hey! let me
see how big you are!'' The room fell silent and I said that I had
lost the baby and promptly broke down into tears. She took me in
the next room and told me she was sorry it happened and proceeded
to validate that I had been pregnant, it was real, and it was a
real loss. After our talk I felt so much better. We decided to
try again and 6 weeks later I was pregnant again!
You know, just telling her that you remember her lost children,
and value them, and wish that things were different for her can
go a long way. A simple card can make such a difference,
especially with a person surrounded by people telling her to
?move on? and forget such significant grief.
Some friends of mine who have multiple losses have constructed
their own ways to remember, but appreciate things like gifts of
candles (to be lit on significant dates like anniversaries of
loss, due dates, etc.). Some have received gifts in the form of
donations in their childrens? names to relevant research
institutions or charities (you would know how relevant based on
the details of her pregnancy and losses).
I am sorry for your friend?s losses. I hope she gets the help
and support she needs to work through her grief. You are a good
friend for wanting to help her in this way.
I would suggest asking your friend whether she would like to
have a ritual or ceremony remembering the children. She could
either say or write something to each of them (or to them as a
group) letting them know she dearly wanted them and also
acknowledging that she releases their spirits. I did such a
ritual for myself (including an actual burial of dolls I had
made) and it did a world of good for me. I bought myself a
ceramic egg to keep in the child's memory. I think eggs are
symbolic of birth. Your friend would be able to figure out what
type of physical object would help her acknowledge and honor
her desire to be a mother and the children she carried. I would
be happy to discuss my ritual with either you or your friend. I
can be reached at (510) 964-9570. I encourage to talk to your
friend openly to see what would make her feel better. She's
lucky to have you.
You are a good friend to be wanting to do this. I have lost
two babies and very, very few people realize how hard this is.
Some ideas: some people really like angel symbology for their
unborn babies. Or a pendant she could wear - symbolic of her
being a mother. And then the other idea is a tree or something
she could plant in their memory.
She is lucky to have you.
Wow. If she's lost them all at the six month stage, those aren't
miscarriages - they're more like stillbirths. Devastating. Good for
being so sensitive. I lost one more than thirteen years ago and have
forgotten. A lovely, poignant gift would be some kind of birthstone
bracelet or necklace. Or maybe a little something for an altar, some
small figures or something emblematic of the children? I have a
beautiful little etched print of an egg that is my symbolic remembrance
our lost son.
I have never miscarried so my advice lacks the true
understanding that one would have if she had gone through that
experience But I can tell you that a friend of mine did miscarry
once and she chose to go with a small group of friends to plant
a tree as a memorial. I don't know how that would tie into a
gift except that maybe you could plan a similar event (with her
permission, of course) and could plant five trees which can then
grow into five strong trees. It occure to me that this could
talke on many varieations as appropriate - she could plant them
close to her home so she could nurture them and watch them grow
or plant them far away to help her to let go, she could choose
five trees that are the same (siblings?) or five different trees
to symbolize each fetus' uniqueness, she could choose fruit
trees that will one day produce fruit to nurish her, you could
take photos of the event to and make an album for her, etc...
My thoughts are with your friend.
I strongly encourage recognizing your friend's miscarriage(s).
After my friend miscarried at 11 weeks, I asked her if she
wanted me to join her in creating a ceremony for closer. The
two of us met at 6:00 AM as the sun was rising over the East
River (NYC). She brought the sonogram photo she had. I brought
3 roses. We tied the sonogram to the roses and she tossed them
into the water; we stood in silence and watched as the current
took the littel bundle out to sea. It was a simple and moving
moment for both of us.
I think that it is a wonderful thing for you to acknowledge your
friend's miscarriages with some type of momento for these five
children. When my cousin lost a baby at birth, my mother sent a
silver cup with the baby's name engraved on it. She has kept it
on her mantle these past 7 years. Hallmark type shops have these
type of things (I am thinking of a shop in Hilltop Mall that has
tons of commeritive items for special occassions) As you may not
know the names of the children, an engraver can etch five little
angels or five little ducks or some other sweet thing for each
child (make sure you have the right number) While your gift is
likely to cause an initial floodgate, it will be appreciated and
remembered and treasured. In a society that doesn't address loss
very well or hardly at all, your friend is lucky to have someone
in her life who is sensitive and not afraid to step forward with
a little acknowledgement. While I have never had the devastation
of losing a baby, I will always remember the nice things a few
really caring friends have done in honor of my deceased father
and two brothers. Whatever you do, roses for her garden, etc.
will be such a nice gesture.
I have a three year old child and have since suffered
two ''chemical pregnancies'' (losses prior to a heartbeat - both
at about 5 weeks) and one miscarriage at 10 weeks. We are in
gear to try again after a series of tests have been run to
determine that nothing's wrong. The doctor doesn't believe the
tests will find anything and will therefor give us the green
light to try again. My question is whether or not anyone has
heard about taking baby aspirin while you are trying to conceive
and then throughout the first trimester? My OB/GYN mentioned it
in passing and I will persue it further with her at our next
meeting, but if you have any experience or more information
about this, it'd be great appreciated.
PS I am the same person who was fearing another miscarriage
last week - and it happened. Thanks to those of you who offered
your suggestions and support. I will save them for the next
Keep on keepin' on...
Sorry to hear about your loss--there's nothing to say except
that I know how much it sucks. Since my wife and I had six
miscarriages, we were able to try out all the different
potential solutions, trouble shooting them down one by one.
Aspirin was one of the things we tried, without success. It may
very well work for you, but I think you need to step back before
you go through another pregnancy hoping that an aspirin is the
From your history it sounds like you need to do a more
thorough investigation of uterine formation problems. I know
you've had a zillion ultrasounds and Histrosalpingograms and
all, but you may still be missing a septate or bicornuate
uteru! s. we saw every doctor in the Bay Area--all the big names--
and every single one of them missed the diagnosis of a septate
uterus. I don't know why, I don't know how, but the docs here
seem to be untrained to see this common problem.
I know I probably sound like an infomercial, but I can't tell
you in strong enough terms--you MUST send your slides (or better
yet, yourself) to Dr. Charles March in Los Angeles. After three
years of miscarriage hell, Dr. March diagnosed my wife's septate
uterus and corrected it with a simple, outpatient surgery. The
next pregnancy went off without a hitch and our little boy is
five weeks old now.
My wife's former roomate had the exact same miscarriage
presentation as you describe. Docs here kept saying ''your uterus
is fine, don't worry, have an aspirin.'' We sent her to LA, Dr
March found her septum and now this friend of ours is well on
her way. I can't explain in, but! the docs here just absolutely
miss this simple diagnosis.
The fact that you've made it to 10 weeks strongly suggests
that you have a uterine problem. Please please please don't go
down the ''what the heck, we'll just have one more miscarriage
for kicks'' road that we travelled on for so long. Send your x-
rays to Dr. March and conclusively rule out a uterine problem
first. I'm at work now and don't have his contact info handy at
the moment, but if you're interested, please email me and I'll
give you all the numbers. Good luck!
Your story sounds like mine. After 3 miscarriages in a year, I
was tired of it. I went to a specialists for recurrent
miscarriages and they did alot of blood tests on me and my
husband. They determined that I had a problem with my
autoimmune system attacking the pregnancies.! I would recommend
seeing someone immediately before trying again. Three
miscarriages is definitely a sign that something is wrong. I
went to a blood specialist in San Francico, Dr. Stricker, who I
would recommend. I first went to a website of Dr. Beers to
learn more about it. His recommendation was a little drastic to
me, so I went to Dr. Stricker. You may not have the same
problem, but it would be good to know before trying again. A
baby aspirin alone may not be enough. I got an IV treatment to
neutralize my white blood cells once a month for 7 months. This
was successful. It was pretty complicated and about 6 years
ago, so things may have changed since then.
Good luck and don't give up.
Yes, two studies have linked use of aspirin and ibuprofen to
You may have to paste the link together in your browser.
Yes i am currently taking baby aspirin too. I have in 2 years
had 3 clinical miscarriages. one chemical and 2 were blighted
ovums. Good news is that I am currently pregnant 14 weeks with
a healthly baby girl!!.... I am 41 an this is my first child.
since you have already had a child you will get pregnant again.
you will find the '' golden egg''. This starts happening as we
age. I have done 2 ivf's and many rounds of iui's totalling
18months at a fertility clinic. My dr could not find anything
wrong with me or my husband it was just age. At most clinic's
today they put everyone on baby asprin because it has been
proven to help in blood flow to the uterus. My advice is take a
baby aspirin a day and keep trying it will work. Feel free to
email me for further information.
A friend of mine had something like 7 miscarriages before they
tried this approach. I think she took 1 baby aspirin a day and
her last pregancy was a success.
I just heard from a friend about a woman who had
experienced multiple miscarriages. After some tests her
doctor said her blood was ''too thick'' to pass effectively to
the baby. She started taking one (or maybe it was a half)
baby aspirin a day and got pregnant right away and
everything was fine. Sorry it isn't first person but it seems
worth looking into.
After suffering several miscarriages myself I started taking
baby aspirin. I'd read some information (on the web mostly) that
suggested that baby aspirin would help. The idea is that it
thins your blood and allows more blood (and therefore nutrients)
to the egg, potentially preventing miscarriage if the growth
isn't happening the way it should. My OB shrugged her shoulders
and said she wasn't sure it would work, but it wouldn't hurt so
why not. If you aren't breastfeeding, there's not generally a
problem taking baby aspirin, but it's not guaranteed to prevent
miscarriage. Causes of many miscarriages are unsolved, so
sometimes the response is to take care of things you can do that
won't hurt. I also took progesterone suppositores for the first
trimester. I still had another mi! scarriage after that, but
successfully carreid to term afterward. Maybe the m/c after
aspirin & progesterone was due to chromosonal difficulties. You
may also want to request some of the other standard blood tests
to rule out any of the other standard solvable problems. It will
also make you feel better that you're addressing the problem as
best you can by fixing what you can. many OB's are not familiar
with these, and don't understand what's needed. You might want
to check w/ a fertility specialist to get their list of first
round tests. (I had to fight w/ my first OB to get the tests
ordered, but felt much better after I'd eliminated most of the
problems, and uncovered another potential problem that may or
may not have been one of the issues (ureaplasma-some interesting
papers available on the web).
I am newly pregnant and very excited. However, I have suffered
two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy and am having anxiety
about this one ''sticking.'' (I have successfully taken a
pregnancy to term before so I know I can!) How have others
dealt with these first trimester fears?
Signed, Can't Help Worrying
My condolences over your miscarriages. I had exactly the same
situation as you. After my first child was born, I had two
miscarriages (one at 6 weeks, one at 12 weeks) before my second
child was born. If possible, you should get a blood test for a
thyroid problem that can cause miscarriages (I don't know much
about it because I didn't have it, but my doctor checked me for
it when I had a fertility work up after my miscarriages.)
Also, you should ask your doctor about progesterone
suppositories. I've read that the science is inconclusive
about whether those help, but I used them anyway because it
gave me a little feeling of control over the situation. The
hardest thing to do is to accept that it really is out of your
control and all you can do is hope that this! one works out. I
was on pins and needles for the first 13 or 14 weeks, but
everything went ok and now I have a beautiful 4 month old baby.
Just remember that the odds are with you. Chances are that you
will have a successful pregnancy. Good luck.
I had two miscarriages before having my two healthy children.
In both of the those pregnancies getting through the first
trimesters was psychologically very difficult. I can completely
empathize with your situation! I basically tried to not think
of myself as pregnant (despite the nausea and exhaustion) until
I got through the first trimester and heard the heart beat. I
didn't think about the due date, didn't think about baby names,
didn't think about the nursery, didn't tell many people, etc. I
tried to ''save'' my excitement about the pregnancies until I knew
they'd likely go to term. ! At the same time, I realized that
most established pregnancies do go to term, even for women who
have miscarried before. So I guess I was quite guarded, but
also tried to be optimistic as well.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am also pregnant after
experiencing two miscarriages. One thing you can do is ask your
doctor for weekly HCG and progesterone tests to monitor your
levels. My doctor has me on natural progesterone suppositories
to support this pregnancy. Another thing you can do is slow
down. These first 12 weeks feels like an eternity. Indulge
your mind in new recipes that feed you and the baby with all the
foods you know you should be eating and new habits that relax
you and the baby (walking, napping, soothing baths under 104
degrees F). Journal if you are so inclined and rejoice in each
new day. Good luck! !
Well, I worried all through my pregnancy with my son, who is
now a toddler. I had had a miscarriage at 11 1/2 weeks, and
carried that fear inside of me, basically through all three
trimesters. I wish I hadn't, and he is a beautiful, healthy
child. You have had a child, too, and as you mentioned, you
know you can do it! Although I am sort of an ''all natural''
type, I was so worried in that first trimester, that I felt I
needed an early ultrasound just to see that little heart
beating. It was very affirming to see that little snowman with
the blinking point of light, as silly as that may sound.
Although it doesn't rule out later complications, it showed me
that there was indeed life, and I felt uplifted. Also, any time
you feel fear, touch base with your child, as a living,
breathing reminder of the mir! acle that came through you! And
take a lot of deep breaths. You can do it!
Getting past the fear isn't easy. Knowing that YOU CAN DO IT can
be comforting in itself. Having a supportive OBGYN is crucial.
Normally the first visit is at 7 weeks. My OB said that I could
come as soon as the pregnancy test was positive. He offered to do
an ultrasound at that visit to confirm gestational age, I said
yes. We went back in 3 weeks and did another - still pregnant and
could see the baby's heart beating. I just took a deep breath and
kept telling myself that this time it was going to be ok.
Focusing on the date when I'd be more or less ''safe'' (say 13
weeks) helped too - that way each day/week was a success, a
milestone met. My next focus was 20 weeks. (Although, I admit
that I didn't want to talk about names until after 20 weeks.)
I encourage you to do anything (& everything) you think would
help ease your mind (for me it was early ultrasounds). Your baby
needs the least stress and the most positive feelings you can
offer. One book I read said that they couldn't understand why
women take off more time near the end of their pregnancy rather
than the start of it, because the in the beginning is when women
need to take the best care of themselves.
34 weeks and counting!
Dear Can't Stop Worrying,
There is hope and it sounds as if you have previously
carried to term. That's good news. I have had five
miscarriages and am the mother of three. So there is
hope and also worry, you can't get away from it.
This last pregnancy was a doozie but I had a healthy
baby at age 44. Prior to that I had two second
trimester miscarriages. With this last oneI just
knew that either getting too excited about it
or worrying wouldn't
change the outcome. I kept busy which was easy to
do with my two kids. I don't know what advice to
give other than to hang in there. Recognize
that you may not have control over it but the odds
are in your favor.
I wish you well.
I'm looking for advice from others who have been through the
pain of losing a baby. A very close friend recently lost a baby
22 weeks into her pregnancy. Her water broke and there was no
way to save it. She had to go through labor and their daughter
was stillborn. She and her husband are devastated, of course.
Our friendship has become very close recently because I was
being supportive through her IVF process. It had been a long
road for her, but things were going very well lately. We were
all thrilled at the apparent success. I have a 16 month old
daughter, so we had bonded about pregnancies and parenting.
I'm now at a loss for what to say or do. I want to be helpful,
but have no idea where to start. Does anyone have suggestions
for how best to do that? I'm the kind of person that wants to
fix things and I'm just heartbroken that I can't fix this.
Part of me wants to say there's another chance, you can adopt,
etc, etc, but of course I don't really know. Any suggestions are
I am so sorry the loss of your friend's baby. You are right,
this cannot be ''fixed.'' The best thing you can do is listen to
whatever she needs to say, or even just sit with her in sympathy
as she cries, or says nothing.
Please try not to talk about ''next time.'' Aside from the fact
that there may not be a next time (some things are just not up to
us), her grief is for this time, this child, who was already
loved and welcome in their lives. If there is a subsequent
child, that child will not be a substitute for the one she lost,
and will not erase the grief of this initial loss. Time and
subsequent children may make the loss easier to bear, but the
loss will always be there, and that must be respected. It has
been four years since I lost my infant daughter, and I miss her
right alongside the love I feel for my two subsequent children.
Because you bonded over pregnancy hopes after IVF, and you have
your child with you, you may want to avoid bringing up your child
in her presence for a while, or at least talk frankly about how
you don't want to hurt her by talking about (bringing into her
presence) your child, and ask her how she would like you to
handle it. If you aren't sure what to say, just say that.
Whatever you do, don't say nothing. It is horrible, the things
the bereaved can imagine are behind the silences with which we
Alta Bates in Berkeley has SAND, Support After Neonatal Death, a
face-to-face support group that includes people who have lost
children to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. You can
call the hospital for the number, I believe. Your friend may be
too early in her grief to encounter people face to face, but the
group may be valuable to her a bit later on. There are many
online support groups, some of them also have webpages with
advice for those who would like to effectively support the
bereaved. I am a member of the online community MISS, Mothers in
Sympathy and Support, at www.missfoundation.org. The MISS
website includes messageboards for support, and
advice/suggestions for the bereaved and those who care about them.
I wish your friend gentle moments where she can find them. Grief
is a terribly hard road, and I wish her the best in an awful
I lost a baby at 23 weeks 7 years ago. After the loss we had a
lot of trouble having a baby. In all I had 4 additional
I had a number of people in my life who said all the sorts of
things that people say at moments of loss and in the
months/years afterward. ''It was meant to be, something must
have been wrong with the baby,'' ''Three's a charm!'' ''You can
always adopt'' and so on. I found these reassurances to be empty
and not helpful, except to understand that the speaker cared
about me and was doing his/her best to comfort me. I also
realized that the baby, since unborn, was not as real for them
as he was for me.
My advice is this:
1. Spend time with your friend, doing things you both enjoy. It
is helpful just to start recreating you life again. The thing I
never appreciated about the loss of a child is that from the
moment a pregnancy is discovered, parents rewrite the story of
their lives to include the child. When the pregnancy ends,
their dream of their new life also ends and they have to
find/create a new story about their future.
2. Ask her how she is doing with the loss of her child, then
listen. When you feel you need to say something try, ''I'm so
sorry, I know you loved your baby very much.''
3. Realize that everyone greives differently and she may need
to talk about this for years. Make it O.K. for her to talk with
you about it, no matter how long it takes.
4. Ask her if she would like to participate in a group that
helps parents with the loss of an unborn child. Resolve offers
these groups and they are highly recommended.
5. Ask her if she would like to memorialize her child in some
way. Here are some suggestions: Name the child. Have a memorial
ceremony (alone or with family/friends). Collect all the things
she had for the baby and create a memorial of some kind. Plant
a tree or rose in honor of the child. Make a donation to a
charity or non-profit organization in honor of the child. Write
a letter to the child expressing her love and grief.
Wishing you and your friend peace,
You'll probably get a lot of responses to this one, so I'll keep my advice
short. I've had three miscarriages, and the support that helped most was
from friends who understood that this is a death in the family and treated
it that way. It may be true that the parents can try again or adopt, but
saying so is not a way of helping the parents grieve the loss of this one
particular child. You are very kind wanting to help, and for a while,
consider helping without your own child around. That can be a painful
reminer of loss for awhile. Listen as much as possible. Send flowers.
Make dinner. Send prayers.
You (and your friend) may want to visit www.resolve.org. I am
having trouble keeping early term pregnancies and found that
these pages below spoke pretty well to how I'm feeling and how I
might want others to behave (who know of my troubles). Through
the years I've had friends who've lost inutero and very young
babies, and while I grieved for/with them, I now know, having my
own losses, I really didn't have a clue.
She doesn't want to know that others have had the same pain and
gotten through it (by whatever means) she just needs to know you
care. And will talk or listen when she needs it. And will
silently understand if there are times that she needs to walk the
other way when a pregnant woman or young baby comes in the room.
That said, my husband's way of coping with our troubles has him
being drawn to pregnant women and young babies. So listen to
what she (and he) need.
Your friend is lucky to have a friend like you. I would suggest
not telling her that she can adopt or conceive later, etc. - even
if these things are true, they are irrelevant and mean nothing to
her now. I remember being devastated when people said similar
things to me after my miscarriage - it seeemed as though they were
trying to minimize what, to me, was a very real crisis. The
greatest thing you can do for your friend is to empathize, and to
accept that she is going through a terrible time.
There is a great book by Kim Kluger-Bell called Unspeakable
Losses, which addresses the heavy emotional impact of reproductive
crisis (stillbirth, miscarriage, and abortion). Kim Kluger-Bell
has her own practice in Albany (she's in the phone book). Her
book will give you insight into what your friend is going through.
And at some point, if she's ready, your friend can read it
I know you mean well, but speaking as a mom who has
sturggled with the agony of miscarriage and IVF,
please don't remind your friend of her options.
Believe me, she knows very well what her options
are. Reminders only serve to take the focus off of
this death. Be there for her with hugs, soup, reminders
that you are thinking about her, and calls for coffee
or lunch so she has someone to talk to if she needs it.
My friends all seemed to disappear when I had my MC's
and I just wished one or two would have called to say
'I was thinking of you today and wondering if you want
to have lunch together today'. Let her do whatever
talking she wants to do. You can do so much good by
being a listener and a shoulder to cry on if she needs
What you have to do is listen sympathetically. You don't need to
understand what she's going through, per se; just understand
that it's rough for her. Don't try to change the subject to
something less somber; let her cry, if she needs to; and NEVER
suggest that anything she did (or didn't do) could have made a
difference. Check in regularly. Tell her that if she's feeling
too sad, tired, and/or depressed to do stuff, you'll be happy to
run errands, bring over a meal, housesit if she needs to get
away, whatever. Basically, she needs to know that in you, she
has a resource and a loving ear--in other words, a true friend.
we recently lost our baby at 24 weeks, slightly different
circumstances, but simillar devastation i'm sure.
listening ears and time slowly eases the pain. have your
friend email me if she'd like to talk.
I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. Although the loss
occurred much earlier than the gestation of your friend's
baby, I, too, had waited to have this baby. I felt cheated.
What I did *NOT* want was for someone to tell me that I
could try again, or adopt, or that it was for the best, and so
on. This did not help. When people said that, I felt that they
were belittling my loss and my pain. What I *DID* want was
for people to acknowledge that I was sad, that my pain was
real, and that it was okay to grieve. Although I love my best
friend dearly, I did not want to hear about her baby, or hear
how messy her house was because of all the toys around,
and so on. These feelings passed, but I could not share in
her enjoyment of her baby right after I lost mine.
Again, I did not want advice. I wanted hugs, tea, and time to
I am a Mama now
I understand your feelings to help your friend. Recently my
friend miscarried her son at 20 weeks and it was
heartbreaking, especially as I was 35 weeks pregnant. I
tried to help her by letting her know that I was there for her;
talking about her feelings, offering to visit and help out or
keep her company and phoning frequently to check how she
was feeling. Unfortunately we can not make it better but we
can support our friends through these tough times. I hope
In the last month, I have had two friends miscarry both at about 10 weeks pregnant.
at a loss of how to comfort them - send flowers, a card, phone calls? Also, I am 7
pregnant and want to make sure that I don't "rub it in their face" or say something
When I had trouble conceiving, certain people said things that hurt a lot without
to, and I want to avoid doing the same.
I had one miscarriage and what I wanted most from friends was to cry and be
silent and for us both to be comfortable in that silence. The last thing I wanted to
hear were "comforting words". I know that people want to do something and all
they can do is say something but most everything I have ever heard did not help,
not even, "I am sorry". I recommend your presence, a comfortable silence and a
shoulder to cry on if they ask for it.
When I was going through miscarriages, it really bothered me when people
said, "I'm sure the next pregnancy will be fine; miscarriage is really
common." Most people never acknowledged the miscarriages at all (because
they were afraid of saying the wrong thing) so I was especially appreciative of a
dear friend who said "I'm so sad -- I can barely imagine how sad you must be." I
had friends who called and asked if they could drop lunch off on my doorstep and
come in only if I felt like company - these kindnesses stay with you. Your friends
help you recover from your losses.
The fact that you are even asking how to respond shows you will be much
better off that most--your friends are lucky to have someone who cares so
much! When I miscarried, what helped the most were the friends who treated it
like the loss it was to me, and who didn't say "oh, you can always have more".
Some reassurances that many people have miscarriages and then go on to have
healthy babies were fine, and reassuring, but the most helpful friends didn't
forget that that fact didn't bring back THIS baby, for which I was grieving. I had
some pregnant friends, and it was hard to see them for a while. They were
wonderful though, and told me that they had recognized the issue, and totally
understood if I wanted to wait a while to get together. Then, when I had dealt
with the worst of it, I could again be genuinely happy for them. Listen for your
friends cues about when they are comfortable hearing about your pregnancy
issues or current events--steer the conversation to other topics of interest and
don't talk about your pregnancy much for a while until they start asking again
and show that they are able to talk about it with genuine happiness for you. For
me, that took a little while, and I really appreciated friends who were there for me,
but didn't talk in great detail about their pregnancies for a while until I made it
clear that I was comfortable with it again by talking about it myself. And at least
for me, flowers weren't necessary, or even really welcome, but calls and cards and
people who kept in touch and followed up a week or two later, in addition to their
initial sympathy, were great.
When I miscarried I appreciated comments such as "I am very sorry." "I really do
not know what to say but I have been thinking about you." This told me that I
was in someone's thought and that person cared about me.
The comments I did not appreciate were such as "You can try again." "You will be
able to get pregnant soon." and "It was a (high power's) will."
Just listen to whatever she (or they) have to say, without judgment, or
course, or advice. Bringing a plant or flowers is nice, too; so is a
weekly call to check in. If your friends have children, offer to babysit
so they can have an evening or an afternoon together, should they wish
it. Or offer to housesit if they want to get away for a weekend. Don't
say, "I understand." You don't, and understanding what someone else has
gone through isn't necessary. Understanding that it was important--and
in this case, very painful--to them, is; so is showing your love and your
wish to help, if help is what they want.
I wouldn't worry too much about saying the wrong thing, though. I've
found that people who are concerned enough to ask for advice on this
subject are unlikely to say something hurtful. (And since you had
problems conceiving, you'll be all the more sensitive to such issues.)
Good luck to you, and to your friends.
I am very sorry to hear about your friends. In the last 4 years I have had 2
miscarriages at 10.5 weeks. Personally all I really needed was someone to be my
friend by being a good listener and by offering me a shoulder to cry on if I needed
it. Receiving cards has a healing effect too. Flowers, well, they just leave pollen
everywhere and then die! Having to deal with dead flowers made me more
depressed. The good news is I do have a healthy 28 month old son now. As far as
you being pregnant and what kind of effect that has on your friends, well, it is
going to hurt no matter what you do. But if you talk to them about how concerned
you are about their feelings, this will make it easier for them to open up about
their feelings as well. I think that you'll all feel much better about it once you talk
about it openly with each other. Congratulations and good luck with your
All you can do is say how sorry you are. Calls are nice from very close
friends, but cards might be nicer because they allow your friends some
control over their emotions -- talking about the loss can be very emotionally
draining -- and cards are very comforting. Also, because you're 7 months
pregnant, your friends might not be ready to talk to you, but would still
appreciate knowing that you're thinking of them.
I found the following excerpt from _What To Expect When You're Expecting_
helpful in dealing with my own pregnancy loss: "Expect that some friends and
family may not know how to respond and may withdraw for awhile. Others, in
trying to help, may make thoughtless statements like "I know just how you feel,"
or "Oh, you can have another baby", or "It's a good thing the baby died before you
became attached to it." They don't understand that no one who hasn't lost a baby
can know how it feels, that another baby can never take the place of the one you
that parents can become attached to a baby long before birth. If you are
hearing such comments frequently, ask a close friend or relative to explain your
feelings and to indicate that you would rather that people just say they are sorry
about your loss."
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
I had two miscarriages, and found there was a great variety of responses from
people, from kind to snide. Even some of the well-meaning people said things that
just plain hurt. It sounds like you're already sensitive to your friends' feelings,
and that is the best place to begin. If you can afford it, send flowers and a note
that expresses your sympathy. A few people thought to do that for me, and it was
great solace to have the loss acknowledged in a traditional way. One friend of
mine sent me a "thinking of you" card every month for a while, just letting me
know she was there. I've come to think that there's not really any magic words
that heal the pain, but knowing that people recognize it as real helps so much.
As for your concerns about your friends' feelings about your pregnancy, again,
you're doing good by them to consider that. I remember feeling fierce, irrational
envy for a long time, whenever I saw a pregnant woman. Being around babies
was not the same--I enjoyed that. But it was hard to see women doing what I
feared I'd never be able to. When I finally did have a successful pregnancy, I
knew one woman who lost a baby and another who was trying unsuccessfully to
get pregnant. When time came for my baby shower, I sent them invitations, and
separately a note letting them know that I didn't want to exclude them--they were
among my nearest and dearest--but I knew from experience that they might not
want to attend a baby shower, and to please do what felt best on the day.
I think the best thing to say is "I'm sorry for your loss." If there is a
concrete thing you can think of to do for them, like cook a meal you can
bring over, then just do it, don't leave the offer open, because many
times it takes energy to ask for the proffered favor, that grieving people
simply don't have. Depending on how close you are to those friends, you
can even say to them that you don't want your pregnancy to add to their
hurt, and just let them tell you how they feel about it.
Don't try to think of things to say, just listen. Everyone deals with
loss differently, and your friends may well do and say very disparate
things from each other. Really being there for them in whichever way they
need you (and that may be "away from them" for a while) is one of the best
things you can do.
I would send flowers and a sympathy card. This loss is traumatic and is not one
you get over quickly. I would also not go on chatting about feeling your baby
kicking when you see them but instead focus on their loss. I would mention to
them that you don't want to make them feel uncomfortable because you are
pregnant and inadvertently remind them of their loss. Chances are they will say
that they know the situations are different but even if they say they want to be
alone for a while, don't take it personally. Of course, they will be thinking about it
all the time anyway, so your presence is not really the trigger. The most
important thing is not to ignore the situation or pretend like nothing happened
when you see them. A verbal acknowledgment is needed. A lot of times if people
don't know what to say, they don't say anything and that is a mistake. Just make
sure they know you are sorry. Then take your cues from them. If they want to
talk about the latest goings on in the stock market, do that. If they want to talk
about how they feel, do that.
I have never miscarried, but I have lost someone dear to me in the
last two years. I found that what was the most comforting for me
was a card with the simple message of how sorry the person was
for my loss and were keeping me in their thoughts. Just that
simple acknowledgement was very comforting. Even though I know
people were trying to help, I did not like hearing any reasons for the
death, like "it was meant to happen this way" etc. I just wanted a
simple acknowledgement to let me know the person cared about
what I was going through. Best wishes.
I've miscarried 6 times - twice before I ever had children, once
between the birth of my two kids, and three more times many years
later when I was in my 40s trying to have a third child. All of these
were first trimester miscarriages and personally, I did not look at
them as the loss of a child, more just a major disappointment. I
think I would have felt uncomfortable if any of my friends had sent a
card or said anything more than "I'm so sorry" or "Oh that's too bad."
It is a very personal thing, getting pregnant, and then miscarrying,
and not something I want to discuss with anyone other than my husband
and one or two very close friends. I would not have been very
receptive to a friend bringing it up or reminding me about it with a
card or flowers. I did not want to talk about it or hear suggestions
or get encouragement. That's just me. You know what you friend is
like - it just depends on the person. I will say that my last three
miscarriages were much more difficult than the earlier ones and I
appreciated my good friends silently being there for me. I was trying
very hard to get pregnant for a long time, and when I finally
succeeded only to miscarry 12 weeks later, that one was rough. A
close friend happened to call the day I realized I was miscarrying and
said "You shouldn't be by yourself. I'm coming over!" She just hung
out with me for a couple of hours and we watched a movie without
talking about the miscarriage and I really appreciated that. Later
when I miscarried twice more after ramping up to using IVF - all the
shots and raging hormones and shlepping to the doctor's office all for
naught, and knowing this really was my last chance at getting
pregnant, that last miscarriage was hardest and very painful. But it
was a private thing between me and my husband, not something I wanted
to talk about with anyone else. The friends who knew about it were just
silently supportive, which I appreciated.
Two more things to add:
One, miscarriage is just as painful for the husband/partner, and they
rarely get the sympathy and support. Be nice to them too. Two, it
isn't the end of the world. We adopted the most wonderful baby and I
can hardly think now why we didn't just do that in the first place.
(But of course that is not the right thing to say to someone who has
miscarried! It's just what happened afterwards in our case, FYI!)
The most important thing to do is to express your sorrow at their loss. Let them
talk to you about it if they want to. Cards or flowers or phone calls -- you choose
the method, anything will be "right" as long as you're expressing your concern
and empathy. Don't let your successful pregnancy stand in the way, just refrain
in general from discussing any of your own "stuff" -- your present situation or
your own fertility issues. It's their time to talk and your time to listen. Best
I'd suggest just extending sympathy, saying "I'm so sorry." If you want to go a
little farther, call back up and ask how they are doing a little
later. But DON'T call back up later and ask if they are pregnant again.
It's a pretty scary thing. The person who miscarried feels like she lost a baby, and
if she had trouble getting pregnant the first time, or is having trouble again, she
may not want to share it. And if she gets pregnant again, she may not want to
share it until she's past the first trimester. Alot depends on how close you are. I
didn't mind my closest friends asking how things were going, but really hated
people asking whether I was pregnant again if I wasn't very close to them, even if
I knew they meant well. DON"T say things like, "Don't worry, you can have
another." Sometimes tales of other people having miscarried is helpful, because
your friends may feel like everything is so easy for everybody else but not for her,
and there's something wrong with her body and therefore something wrong with
her (even if intellectually she knows that it's not true.) It's unfortunate that
miscarriage is something we don't talk about, so nobody knows how common it is,
and we all suffer in silence. Flowers, cards, etc. wouldn't hurt, especially since it
validates the loss, which is very real. But be careful: you can't fix it, and you
don't want to hover, and each person is unique. Some really need to talk (like I
did for #1), and some really want to just ignore it and move forward (like I did for
#2). She may want to talk about it in the future, or now. Maybe just let her know
that you'd be happy to sit down with her and talk to her, if she'd like a shoulder to
cry on, but that you want to do what feels best for her. And if she wants you to talk
to her about it later, that you'll do that. Again, it really depends alot on how close
you are, but sympathy and validating the loss is always helpful. (Though with #2
I told my friends to be careful about extending too much sympathy at the time,
because I didn't want to dwell on it. The first one was a shock and trauma. The
second was a trauma and a huge disappointment but not a shock.) And since
you're about to embark on your own joys of childbirth, hold off for a while in
sharing your excitement, which could highlight your friends' disappointment.
Plus they could end up temporarily resenting you, even if they don't intend to.
After a while (maybe after the baby is born) they may be able to share in your
excitement, and may be able to receive your best wishes for them to
get pregnant again and bring the baby to term.
I'm a 38 -year-old mother to a beautiful and healthy 3-1/2 year old girl. I was confident
and worry free about pregnancy when we conceived our ''2nd baby'' because my first pregnancy
was perfect all the way through. Soon enough my confidence was diminished by an early
miscarriage due to belighted ovum. My OB doctor told me not to wait too long to try again
because of my age, which only helped me to have more anxious feelings that I don't have much
time left to have a baby. After three months since the miscarriage, we are going to try to
conceive again, but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid if I can face another loss again and the
possibility of never having a 2nd child. Has anyone been through this, and how did you over
come these fears? Would you like to share your success stories of having a healthy baby
after a miscarriage? Your wisdom and advice are greatly appreciated. Thanks.Anonymous
First, congratulations on having a beautiful, healthy 3 1/2 year
old daughter. I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage, but you
should remain confident that you can conceive again. The more
anxious you are about conceiving, the more difficult it could
be. As it turns out, my first pregnancy was a miscarriage (at
35 y.o.), then after that I was more fertile than I expected.
Conceived first child within a month (okay, we know we were
suppose to wait 3-4 mos.) The second child arrived when I was
36 y.o., and the third child arrived when I was 43 y.o. even
though we were trying to be careful. So, every person is
different and it is very possible that you may not follow
the ''normal'' statistics of reduced fertility, esp. since you did
well at 35 with your first child. I recommend focusing on the
joy of your 3 1/2 y.o. and the process of conceiving.
First of all, I extend my sympathy to you over your loss. It
sounds so familiar. I don't really think I overcame my fears,
though. I dealt with them the best I could. I looked up
everything under the sun about miscarriages, progesterone, etc,
went to S.A.N.D.(support after neonatal death)in SF and a group
that was associated with HAND in San Rafael. Another excellent
resource for me was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center in Waysata,
Here's my success story; I became pregnant 3 mo. after the
miscarriage. My daughter is now 10 (& her older sister is 12
1/2). I still vividly remember so much of that time both
grieving the loss and being joyful that I became pregnant, but
worrying about 'when's the other shoe going to drop?'. The
people I worked with had no clue what I was going through and
said some of the most thoughtless things.
I was so happy when the pregnancy was over and I was blessed
with a healthy baby. If you like, feel free to email me at
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Miscarriage is so
hard, and it can take some time before you feel like trying
It's true that at thirty-eight, your risk of miscarriage is higher
than it is when you were twenty-eight. That's a fact, and I
found that part of my grieving process was to acknowledge
it. I miscarried twice before I had a healthy pregnancy at age
thirty-nine. After both miscarriages, it took me about six
months to feel strong enough--emotionally and physically--
to try again, and another six months to conceive.
You can't avoid the risk of miscarrige--it's there for all
pregnanies, and you face a higher risk the older you get.
But the way I read the odds, at thirty-eight, you still have a
greater chance of having a healthy pregnancy than a
miscarriage. You might want to check out some of the
resources at resolve.org. Resolve is primarily an
organization for people facing infertility, so you might want to
wait until your confidence is boosted a little. But they have a
lot of information of all kinds for people trying to conceive.
Trust your own body and your own feelings. You'll know
when the time is right again. Do what you can to keep
yourself healthy and fit. Good luck to you.
I am so sorry about your miscarriage. It is a terrible thing to
go through, no matter when it occurs. So many of us have
undergone miscarriages for a variety of reasons, some
even more than once, and it is one of the worst experiences
My experience is somewhat different than yours, in that I had
a later (15-week) loss of my first child, rather than my
second, but I think I can speak to your fears about losing a
second baby. I experienced an odd loss (preterm
premature rupture of the membranes) that could have been
either a ''fluke'' or indicative of some sort of problem
(incompetent cervix, or some other problem). It took me
awhile to conceive after my loss (8 mos.) and , like you, I
was haunted by the fact that perhaps I *couldn't* carry a
baby to term.
Once I conceived the second, I did everything I could to
ensure I could carry to term. For one, I was in consultation
with my ob AND a perinatalogist from the beginning (I don't
know if a blighted ovum merits a perinatalogist visit, but you
might ask). I had many ultrasounds to monitor both the
baby and my cervix. I cut out exercise and went on modified
bedrest. I saw a Chinese herbalist, with the blessing of my
doctors, who gave me special teas. I read a good book,
''How to Prevent Miscarriage'' by Stefan Semchyshyn, which
made me feel somewhat empowered (and provided lots of
information not necessarily covered in traditional pregnancy
books). I prayed, and tried to keep a healthy attitude (difficult
with all my fears). Nonetheless, I didn't feel confident until I
hit the third trimester! I certainly never felt ''care-free.'' Not
all of my strategies will apply to you, but it felt good to try and
The good news: I was lucky enough to carry that baby to
term, and am now 6 months pregnant with my second baby
(third pregnancy). I feel very blessed.
My advice: please try not to let your very understandable
fears paralyze you. You will feel anxious, and scared, once
you conceive your next baby, but an early ultrasound can
help alleviate some of your fears. Your body was able to
conceive and carry a healthy child, and there is no reason it
can't do so again. Do whatever ''care'' techniques you can to
help you cope with your fears. Try to tune out people who
tell you the previous miscarriage was ''for the best,'' or some
variation. They may be right, but it's not what you want to
hear right now! And don't feel too badly if you resent other
seemingly carefree pregnant women--that is normal,and
will eventually pass.
Here's to a healthy, full-term pregnancy! Good luck.
I am also a 38 year old mother and recently had my third child
after 2 miscarriages. The best advice I can give you is to
remember that every pregnancy is different, so next time should
be fine. I know it's hard, but try not to worry and get
stressed. My last pregnancy was the easiest of the three with
no problems at all, I'm sure the same can happem for you!
Hi, I also went into conceiving worry-free and got a nasty
surprise when I discovered I had a blighted ovum. My OB handled
it really well, gave me statistics about miscarriages (honestly I
don't even remember, but it's pretty high now that we can tell if
we're pregnant about 48 hours after missing a period -- I guess
in the ''old days'' women would often miscarry, have a late period,
before even knowing they were pregnant) and said my chances of
having another miscarriage were slim since I was healthy. I'm
about your age. Anyway, when we were ready I got pregnant
again after trying only two months, and I now have a beautiful,
perfectly healthy 2-year-old daughter. I was bawling my head off
*before*, *during* and *after* the first sonogram that showed
things were OK and on track for her! There's no obvious reason
for a ''blighted ovum,'' it just happens, so it's not any
indication that it will happen again. (That's what my OB said,
repeatedly.) Take care -- I hope you have a successful pregnancy
I do empathize. I got pregnant with my beautiful, now 5 year
old daughter on the first try! 5 years later right before my
40th birthday, I too had a miscarriage due to a blighted ovum.
It has been about a year and I am now 6 weeks pregnant (I know
you were looking to hear from mothers who have already made it
to the other side, but I wanted to put in my 2 cents). Yes, it
is a bit scary, but I am feeling hopeful. My midwife, and
several other women I know, have had miscarriages before and
after successful pregnancies.
I know age is a factor, but so is stress and a host of other
things. Plenty of women are having babies in their late 30s and
early 40s. My only advice is to consider whether you have
waited long enough to try again. I know some people say that
after a certain age, ''every cycle counts'' and the pressure is
tremendous. For myself, I have been trying to get into a
process of not focusing on ''what if'' I have a miscarriage, a
troubling amnio, etc. Instead I am trying to pray for whatever
is meant to be, and am hoping that I am meant to have another
beautiful baby (hopefully a boy this time). I wish you the best!
First, let me offer my condolences for your miscarriage. My
situation was very similar to yours. When my child was 3 1/2, I
conceived our second. Like yours, my first pregnancy had been
uneventful, and becoming pregnant the first time had been very
easy, too (two weeks after discontinuing the birth control pill,
after an eleven-year duration, I was pregnant). When I was
(supposedly) eleven weeks pregnant, I discovered that I had
a ''blighted ovum'' and had miscarried, although my body didn't
discharge the pregnancy on its own, and I had to have a D and
C. I was told that I could start trying again in three months.
I was thirty-five at the time. I, too, was nervous: for the
firtst time the possiblity of things turning out badly or
unexpectedly occurred to me. I was worried that the age
difference between my children wouldn't be what I
considered ''ideal,'' and what was formerly ''ideal'' now
became ''the only thing acceptable.'' Strangely enough, I
didn't worry that I wouldn't be able to have another child, but
I did dread the whole experience, deciding not to tell anyone
until my second trimester (both previous pregnancies, I had
barely finished peeing on the stick before I was on the phone,
broadcasting the exciting news to one and all). Even though
everyone was incredibly supportive and no one said anything
insensitive, it was just so hard to tell my traumatic story over
and over again. I would characterize my emotional state as one
of extreme nervousness rather than grief, as first the three
month ''healing'' period passed and then for the next three
months, which was how long it took me to conceive again. The
final result is that, not quite nine months after I first
intended to have a second child, I gave birth to a healthy
daughter who is now almost four years old. So my story does
indeed have a happy ending, and I'm pretty sure yours will, too.
I took comfort in the facts that:
1) I already had one child. I figured if it happened once, it
could probably happen again. I think it must be much easier to
believe that you will have a success if you've had one before.
My heart especially goes out to those women for whom this
blighted ovum is their sole experiency with pregnancy.
2) Many women confided in me that they too had had a similar
experience. In fact, this kind of miscarriage is very commnon,
and the more I heard from family friends who'd been through it
and who had gone on to have more children, the less alone or
unusual I felt. You may be surprised to find out how many other
women you know have gone through the same thing. Most of them
go on to have other children.
3) Knowing that there was nothing that I had done wrong or could
have done differently. These kind of miscarriages are nature's
way of keeping a check on a malformation that could never
possibly result in a healthy baby. In a way, I felt reassured
that something was looking out for my family and doing its best
to make sure that we had the best situation.
4) At thirty-six (which is what I was when my second child was
born) or thirty-eight (like yourself), I was BY NO MEANS TOO OLD
TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL PREGNANCY AND HEALTHY BABY. I have many
friends who had their FIRST child at 38, 39, 40 41 . . . even
44! You may not have all the time in the world ahead of you,
and you probably want to conceive again pretty soon (if for no
other reason than the spacing between your children's ages,
since that was part of your original plan) but you don't need to
get into a panic about your age. After all, if you have your
second child as late as two years after your original intent,
you will still be only 40 years old--not all that different from
38. Above all, don't let the age thing--or your
doctor's ''advice'' concerning it--get you nore nervous than you
I hope you can relax, enjoy your wonderful child, peacefully let
go of the dream you had for the second one that wasn't to be,
and take that leap of faith inherent in any conception and,
indeed, in all child-related experiences, to become pregnant
again soon. You are already a mother; your body knows it can
become a mother again.
It is scary to think about having another miscarriage.
However, it happens, alot, especially as we age. I think your
doctor gave you good advice about not waiting. I also had an
easy time getting pregnant and an easy first pregnancy. When my
daughter was almost 3, we started trying for number two. I was
shocked when I miscarried at 8 weeks at age 36, and after that,
was reluctant to try again, mainly I think, out of a fear that it
was some kind of a ''sign'' that I wasn't ready. Six months later
we started trying again, but my periods starting getting
irregular, which I was told was ''normal'' as you start aging
because of occasional failure to ovulate. I was very upset that I
hadn't started trying earlier, but I eventually got pregnant
again. This time I was confident, especially after I heard the
heart beart and saw the baby on the ultrasound at 10 weeks. But
alas, about a year after the first miscarriage, I again
miscarried, this time at 15 weeks. After this, I was pretty
devastated and eager to start right away again, but it took a
long time for my periods to return to normal. I started getting
really desperate I would never have a second child, and spend a
lot of energy and money on specialists, also started wondering
about adoption. Everything was checked out (there are some
simple tests you should make sure your doctor does before
starting again, such as progesterone, thyroid functions,
anti-bodies), no cause was found. My doctors decided I probably
just had bad luck, by your late thirties, apparently, a fairly
large proportion of your eggs are just not viable. But after
all that worry, now I am finally pregnant again
at age 38, this time with twins! I am still hoping and praying
for a successful outcome as I enter the 14-th week, this time
with very careful monitoring by the best doctors. Good luck
to you, most likely it will workout! Two doctors I have found
helpful are Hank Streitfeld and Susan Willman. Willman is
the best, but it took me two months to get an appointment with
One quick advice. If you really want a second child, you will
have one, whatever happens to your body. You still have at least
36 healthy cycles to go (3years X 12 ovulations) and many other
options including fertility treatments, adoption, etc... just be
clear in what you are ready to go through to have a second
child. I too had a miscarriage, like many people. It was one of
the saddest day of my life. So we set up a ''family building
schedule'' with different options. We now have 3 kids that joined
our family through birth and adoption.
Take a deep breath and relax!
I was 35 when I had my first child. When I was 37 I had a
miscarriage at 9 weeks. My doctor said it was probably a
blighted ovum which means it was never a viable pregnancy, and
very common - no matter your age. This was in mid-November. By
January 2 I was pregnant again, and now have a happy, healthy 18
month old girl. I have pretty much forgotten about the
miscarriage at this point.
A good friend of mine had her first baby on her 40th birthday.
She had a miscarriage with a second pregnancy about a year
later. When she asked her doctor why it happened, he
said ''You're 40 - why do you think it happened?'' She
immediately got a new doctor - and is happily pregnant again.
I know at least 2 other women who had miscarriages in their
early 30s and went on to have two more babies.
Sad as they are, miscarriages are pretty common. It sounds like
you don't have any trouble getting pregnant, so you should have
no trouble having a second baby!
Also - it sounds like your doc is not particularly sensitive...
Maybe you should look into switching to another doctor.
Happy mom of 2
I had your same experience in that we also had a smooth and easy
1st pregnancy, but with the second I had a miscarriage and they
thought it was probably a blighted ovum (what a term!). I think
that having a caring provider (Lindy Johnson) was quite
helpful (even though we hadn't really seen her yet, it was so
early, she was so supportive on the phone), as was the fact that
I miscarried early in the pregnancy. Also knowing several of my
friends had had miscarriages,and that they went on to have
healthy babies, made me aware that it is fairly common, and I was
thankful that I had one early on(if it was to happen at all). The
good news is that we quickly conceived again and had another good
pregnancy and a second child. So remember the odds are in your
favor -- good luck!
First, I'd like to offer my heartfelt sympathies to you on your
loss. Miscarriage is always heartbreaking and frightening. I
miscarried my first pregnancy at 8.5 weeks, diagnosed as a
Missed Abortion (cruel term, I know). I was younger than you
are at the time, I think 28, and was told to wait 3 cycles
before trying again. I waited 2, got impatient, and
immediately conceived my son. He is now 20 months and perfect
in every way. I know it's hard to believe now, but you will
almost certainly have another child. You have one, so you know
you are fertile. I've been told that up to half or even two-
thirds of all pregnancies never result in a living baby; most
of those lost are miscarried before the mother even knows she's
pregnant. I know none of that information helps while you're
going through it, but try to remember that miscarriage is
incredibly common and nearly all women who miscarry go on to
Been there too
Try not to worry so much. I am 39 years old and have a 2 1/2
year old girl. We started to try to have another child early
last year. In Feb I got pregnant...but it didn't take.
Technically it was a miscarriage since a blood test after 2 weeks
after conception showed I was pregnant. However, I got my period
1 week later. Then we got pregnant again in June. I miscarried
at 12 weeks (blighted ovum). We waited 2 months and got pregnant
right away again. I am now 21 weeks pregnant, had a amnio which
showed a healthy girl and all looks well. I will have this child
1 month before my 40th birthday.
I think you should focus on the fact that you did get pregnant
the 2nd time (some women at our age have trouble doing that). It
is more likely that women our age will miscarry because our eggs
are older. Miscarriage due to a blighted ovum means something
was not right with the fetus. But the fact that you are still
ovulating and can get pregnant is a positive sign (at least that
is what my doc told me). Keeping a positive frame of mind is
very important as stress makes it difficult to concieve. What
will be, will be...try again and be happy with your beautiful
The chance of your having another blighted ovum
miscarriage is not at all great. The chance of your having
any other miscarriage due to this is not significantly
increased. The chance of your having as many more kids as
you want is good if you are only 38.
I had a blighted ovum miscarriage at 40, and my son is 15
months old. I wasn't in any hurry, and didn't get pregnant
until 44. I wouldn't have missed this opportunity for anything.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. It can be so hard to stay
upbeat after a miscarriage. I miscarried twice in fairly quick
succession. After deciding not to undertake fertility
treatments, my husband I decided to adopt instead. In the midst
of an adoption process, I became pregnant (more or less
unwittingly--we had basically given up). I was very frightened
(and at nearly 39, worried about birth defects, etc.), and I knew
that I couldn't tell anyone, because of the high risk of
miscarriage. I took it one minute at a time, and it was very
hard, but I knew that I would have to stay positive, and do all
the right things for my body and baby, as long as I was pregnant.
In the end, I got through the amnio, found out the baby was fine,
and then let people know. I hope that you will try again, and
just focus on getting through one minute at a time. My daughter
is now 2-1/2, and wonderful, but my husband and I are still
somewhat sad that we did not go through with an China adoption,
but we are delighted with our daughter. Good luck.
I think that the more you talk to people the more you hear how
common miscarriages are. My first pregnancy at age 33 ended in
a miscarriage two days after my first prenatal visit. The worst
part was going through a second ultrasound with a dismissive
radiologist, who wouldn't even communicate the bad news to me!
His office simply told me to call the referring ob after waiting
for the results in the reception area! This second ultrasound
confirmed that of the first one in my ob's office earlier that
day. I then set up a d & c procedure with the ob who had
initially given me the bad news. He was wonderful and I
immediately switched over to him as my doctor. He told me to
wait one period before trying again and was extremely surprised
to see me back in his office for my first prenatal visit within
three months! I occasionally think about that baby who was due
about three months earlier, but at the time of my loss, I was
comforted by the thought that this was nature's way. My second
pregancy went smoothly, but with a C-section after 23 hours of
labor, including 3 hours of pushing! I'm so blessed with a my
oldest son, who turns 18 in a couple of weeks and my second son,
almost 15 years old. My advice to you is to think of a
miscarriage as ''nature's way'' of dealing with a baby, who might
not have been viable. That thought was comforting and
reassuring and most likely, true. I wish you good fortune in
having another child.
Hello. I just had a miscarriage at 13 1/2 weeks pregnant. Fortunately we do
have an amazing 2 1/2 year old daughter. My pregnancy with her was a piece
of cake. I was so healthy and everything went super smoothy. I did end up
having an emergency c-section, due to fetal distress, but the pregnancy itself
This pregnancy from the beginning was really different. I felt tremendously sick
and much more fatigued; I chalked up both of these to the fact that I was
pregnant and taking care of a toddler. But even so, I was not myself AT ALL
and felt rotten.
I started spotting early into the pregnancy (at 7, 9 and 11 weeks) and then
started to bleed heavily. After the heavy bleeding, I thought for sure the baby
was gone, but we did an u/s and the baby was fine. The placenta was a little
low, but my obgyn thought it would be no problemas the pregnancy
progressed. That was on a Thursday. On that Saturday night the bleeding
started again profusely and then I lost the baby.
I'm writing because I'm wondering if any of you had a completely healthy
pregnancy the first time and then a miscarriage with your second. I'm so
worried that something is wrong with my body (maybe from the c-section?). I
NEVER want to have to go through this again, especially at 13 1/2 weeks were I
had to see my poor little baby come out of my body intact. I didn't know that
happened and it was so traumatic and sad. Anyway, has this happened to any
of you? Did you go on to have a heathly baby later? I'm just scared and sad.
Thanks for any advice.
scared to try again
I sympathize with you for your loss, but encourage you not to
give up. I had a no-problem pregnancy and delivered a healthy
baby almost 3 years ago. It took about 8 months of trying to get
pregnant with number 2, and then I miscarried at 7 weeks. The
doctor said it's not uncommon and that it's just one of those
things, which wasn't much comfort at the time. He encouraged us
to keep trying. After trying for another 14 months, undergoing a
battery of tests that uncovered no problems, and riding the
roller coaster of 2 weeks of anticipation followed by 2 weeks of
disappointment, I finally got pregnant on my own again in March.
Having experienced so much disappointment, I was fearful to
believe it was real, despite my growing belly, until I saw the
baby in the ultrasound. So far so good!
Expecting #2 in December
I'm very sorry about your loss! It's a terrible thing to deal with.
I had 2 miscarriages (at 10, and at 14 weeks) after a healthy pregnancy, and
was really worried that maybe I'd never have another child. Well,
eventually, I did get pregnant again, this time with twins, who are due
next month. Miscarriages are very common, and I don't think one or even two
means very much in terms of your chances for eventual success.
35 weeks and counting
I am so sorry for your loss. I had an early miscarriage years ago
and it was hard emotionally. I can give you some words of comfort
and that is there is no reason to worry that you are more likely
to have another. One of the things I discovered after mine was
that early miscarriages (first trimester) are very common. Half
the women I know have had one. Certainly talk to your doctor for
reassurance but I don't think you have anything to worry about. I
had a healthy baby after mine. I hope you let yourself talk about
it as much as you need, sometimes moms don't get as much sympathy
for early miscarriages. Best wishes to you.
I had two miscarriages (6 & 10 weeks) after a completely
uneventful pregnancy and birth. I went to an infertility guy
after the second, and found I had/have antiphospholpid
syndrome, although early pregnancy loss is atypical. Courses of
heparin during pregnancy later, I have two additional children.
If you want to talk to anyone about it professionally, I'd
start with Russell Laros at UCSF.
And, statistically, it's not uncommon. But I know what you're
saying. I never wanted to do that again, and then again I never
wanted to do it again.
Hang in there.
I had a miscarraige at 7.5 weeks after two healthy and uneventful
pregnancies and natural vaginal birth each time, and no prior
history of miscarriage. It is awful to
undergo. I doubt it has anything to do with your cesearean the
first time around. It could well have been chromosomal disorder,
which I've read is a leading cause of miscarriage in the first
trimester. I also think, unless you are over 40 or have a
history of miscarriage or other risk factors (sounds like you
don't), you are not more likely to miscarry again than anyone
else. I have read that it is advisable to wait a few cycles
before trying again to allow your body to recover and be strong
for the next attempt. Good luck!
So sorry to hear about your miscarriage--I know how traumatic they can be as I had two of them
after the birth of my first daughter. But
this March I gave birth to our second daughter, a healthy baby who is now 4 months old, so
don't despair. I too had a c-section for my
first daughter but that doesn't affect your ability to carry a healthy child to term.
There are many books, message boards and websites on the subject of pregnancy after
miscarriage--I recommend ''Preventing
Miscarriage'' by Jonathan Scher. You can also google ''pregnancy after miscarriage'' for more
info & firsthand accounts of woman who
have had babies after pregnancy loss. Good luck and remember to allow time to grieve and get
over your loss--then try again as soon as
you can! In my experience,even though it's really scary, getting pregnant again is the best
remedy for a miscarriage--
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I have a 3 year old and had
a miscarriage last fall at about 10 weeks. It was awful, the
saddest experience I'd ever gone through, and I wound up with a
D&C. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to go through
it at home. Prior to this I'd had no problems, got pregnant the
first try - both times. I too was scared to try again, and it
took about two months until I could really think about it. After
that it was another month before the stars aligned (and my
husband was not travelling while I was ovulating ) and...the
good news - I'm now 22 months pregnant and so far so good. (The
baby is due around Thanksgiving which seems appropriate).
Anyway, I have no gems of wisdom, but I know hearing about
people who had gone through this and then had successful
pregnancies really helped me stay hopeful. The more I spoke
about my experience the more often I heard about women who'd had
miscarriages between otherwise perfectly regular pregnancies.
Ultimately, it seemed as though most people with multiple
children separated by more than 2 years or so predominantly had
that age spread between their kids because of miscarriages.
Though the first trimester was certainly more tense for this
pregnancy I felt as though I just had to have faith - there
wasn't any other choice. I didn't do anything to cause the
miscarriage and there wasn't anything beyond the usual
precautions, that I could do to ensure that this one would work
out. I should add that regarding feeling different in each
pregnancy - my doctor said that because every preganncy is is
different, different physical feelings are not a great predictor
of whether a pregnancy will be viable or not. I had hyperemesis
in all three pregnancies and though it was slightly different
when I miscarried ( the severity decreased early on) it's hard
to know if that was just the pregnancy or my hormones changing
in reaction to the fetus not growing.
I wish you well - remember to respect what a loss you have
suffered and know that if you want to - at some point you will
be ready to try again. I wish I could tell you I have a bouncing
baby in my arms right now but my final suggestion is one I have
to follow myself - have faith and hope and get lots of hugs from
your beautiful toddler. Best of luck....
a hopeful 2nd time mother-to-be
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sure you will get
many responses to your post since miscarriages are quite
common. I never knew just how common until I had one.
To be brief, I had a healthy baby in round one, a miscarriage
in round two (during the first trimester) and another healthy
baby in round three. Each pregnancy was very different in the
Good luck and best wishes.
I just wanted to let you know that I, too, had a very healthy pregnancy
(and now have a wonderful 10 year old girl!) and then a miscarriage.
After that, I, too, wondered if there was something wrong with me, and
researched and talked around a lot. I found out that miscarriage is
extremely common. We just don't hear about it much because people
don't like to talk about it. Something like every third pregnancy will end
in miscarriage. In the old days, when people had a lot of pregancies
and kids, they were used to it. We're out of the life/death/life cycle in our
culture. Creating a human baby is so complicated, it just doesn't always
turn out right, and it's probably good there was a miscarriage, because
something was probably wrong that time. It does not mean anything is
wrong with you at all, and should definitely not prevent you from trying
again, althought you should certainly give yourself time to grieve this
very definite loss. I did not go on to try and have another child, didn't try,
but that was because of marital problems.
I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Although I am not a
medical provider, I think, unfortunately, miscarriages are
normal even for people who have already sucessfully delivered a
healthy baby. Unless testing on your baby or your doctor
indicate otherwise, the fact that you had this miscarriage
should not be an indication that you will be unable to carry
another baby to term. After an easy pregnancy with my first
child, I had two miscarriages at about the 10 week range before
becoming pregnant again and delivering my second healthy baby.
With my second child, it took me until longer in the pregnancy
to believe I was pregnant and to feel confident that I would
remain pregnant. But, once I started showing I gained
confidence and everything was just fine. I bet the same will
happen with you. Good luck.
I had almost identical situation, though the second pregnancy,
where I lost my baby at 16 weeks, seemed very similar to the
first. I was so sad I had heard the baby's heart and had been
trying to get pregnant for several years (my son was about 4
when this happened). After the miscarriage, I had a hard time
losing the weight I'd gained, and was pretty depressed for
several months. I never got a good idea about why the baby
died. The good news is that I now have two more children, and
both pregnancies went fine. I'm sure there's no reason why you
can't have another healthy pregnancy also. The thing that
really did help me through was to focus on the blessing of
having my one healthy wonderful son -- some folks go through
this without knowing if they can EVER have a child. Please feel
free to email me if you want to talk further, for what it's
worth, to someone who's been through something similar.
Yes, you can have a healthy baby after a miscarriage. First, I
had a healthy baby, then I had 3 miscarriages. After the third
one, I got some testing from specialists in recurrent pregnancy
loss. Depending on your age, you may want to be tested now. I
had an immune system problem and got a treatment and was able to
have my second healthy child, now 5. They said after the first
healthy baby, I had built up immunities (like the RH factor
does). You may want to look up recurrent pregnancy loss on the
internet for some resources. Then again, you may want to just
try again. Prayer helped me get through it. It is not a good
feeling losing a baby, but there's probably a good reason you
have to go through this. Good luck.
I had a miscarriage which sounds very similar to yours in week
18 of my first pregnancy. The pain and sadness were indeed
immeasureable and at times, unfathomable. Now, two and half
years later, I have an amazing 18 month old boy and am 32 weeks
pregnant with another. Both these pregnancies went smoothly - as
I hope your next one will - even though the anxiety was never
The important thing is not to blame yourself and not to take
others' often well-meaning but misguided questions to heart.
I don't know if your insurance covers this, but I also recommend
a fantastic high-risk ob/gyn who we saw at my doctor's
recommendation. Her name is Dr. Mickie Adams and she works at
Alta Bates Perinatal on Telegraph. It was amazing what one
consultation with her did to restore our hope and confidence.
She explained things as thoroughly as possible (even though
there was never really one simple explanation for what had
happened) and was very compassionate and caring.
Finally, talking about it with other women who have been through
this grieving process was also an important part of healing. If
you would like to talk more specifically or in depth, I would be
happy to help in any way possible. Email me at
In the meantime, take good care of yourself and don't despair!
My heart goes out to you. Having a miscarriage is such a
difficult experience to go through, and especially beyond the
first trimester. I had two miscarriages, both after the birth of
my first child and went on to try one last time as I really
wanted a sibling for my child. Now I have two beautiful
children and the sadness of those two years is completely
gone. I know it is really hard to go through, yet if you try
again and have another child, at least in my experience, it is
well worth it. What did help was talking to other people who
had gone through a miscarriage as well, especially 2
friends who had had 2 miscarriages also. Now they both
have second children as well! As I started telling people
what I was going through, I was surprised to hear how many
women go through this kind of loss.
If you like to read, there are some good books on the
subject, some recommended on this newsletter.
Hope and pray all works out for your family as you wish, and
that you have the support (both inside and out) to heal from
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had a similar
experience to yours. At 37, I had a very easy pregnancy and
birth. At 39, we tried for a second child. It took much longer
to get pregnant and I then suffered a miscarrage at 9 weeks.
During the pregnancy I had felt a lot worse - tired and sick, but
just put it down to being an older mom with a toddler. I tried
for several months to get pregnant again and succeeded after 8
months, but by that time I had sought the help of a fertility
specialist because I felt that there was something wrong with me
-- i.e., it couldn't just be my age. The week I found out I was
pregnant, the fertility doctor called to tell me that the results
of the first set of blood tests I had taken showed that I had
hypothyroidism. Apparently, it is quite common for a woman to
develop this condition after a first pregnancy. Although I had
not had any obvious symptoms after the birth of my first child,
the second pregnancy was too much for my body, which resulted in
the miscarriage. Again, miscarriage is very common for women who
have thyroid problems.
As soon as I was diagnosed, I started medication and fortunately,
I gave birth to a healthy second child at 41. I continue on the
medication and have my TSH (blood test) every 6 months or so to
check that the level is correct.
Incidentally, I got pregnant again (surprise!) and had a 3rd
child at age 43. THis, too, was an easy pregnancy.
My suggestion is for you to get a full physical exam and have
yourself checked for thyroid problems, as soon as you feel up to
it. If I had done this after my miscarriage, it would have saved
many months of anguish.
wishing you the very best of luck,
I'm so sorry this happened to you--I, too, had a miscarriage at
12 weeks in my second pregnancy. My son at the time was about
18 months old. It was extremely traumatic for both me and my
husband and we truly felt grief. I will say though that, like
you, the pregnancy had never felt good and I was very sick from
the beginning. Six months later we got pregnant again and from
moment one, it felt ''right.'' I was very anxious about
miscarrying until about 20 weeks--then somehow we started to
relax and enjoy the process! My daughter was born in a very
easy vaginal delivery and is now a wonderful, healthy,
rambunctious almost 3 year old! I still sometimes think about
the baby I lost but am grateful for the wonderful kids I have.
My point--miscarriages are VERY common and you shouldn't worry
that you can't have a healthy pregnancy in the future. Good luck!
Give yourself time to heal from the sadness of your miscarriage.
But if you really want to have another child, don't give up. I
had two miscarriages after a healthy first pregnancy. When I got
pregnant the third time I did not keep my hopes up that it would
be ''viable'' as they say, but all went well and I now have 2
When you have a miscarriage, your body is doing what ''mother
nature'' is supposed to do. Something was not right with the
pregnancy. So next time may be just fine. After my miscarriages,
I found out that a lot of women have been through them...more
than I ever would have thought.
You are not alone in what you've been through. I wish you all the
best. Time will help heal the hurt.
I have never had a miscarriage, but being pregnant, have read up
on miscarriages, the chances of one, etc. What I've read is
that you could be completely healthy, as you are, and still have
a miscarriage. Often times, a woman cannot do anything about an
early miscarriage. Doctors tell you to think of it as a way of
your body saying it wasn't right or it wasn't time. I'm sure
it's awful to go through with it, but having a few scares myself
during pregnancy, I found out that many more women in my circle
have gone through a m/c. Not that it makes you feel better -
just that you realize that sometimes, it really is just nature
doing its thing, and that it has nothing to do with you or how
you handled your pregancy. I have also read that (with blessing
from your caregiver, of course) you no longer have to wait three
months or more to try to conceive after a m/c. Usually, you can
start trying right away.
To all of you who responded to my post about my recent miscarriage
THANK YOU SO MUCH. Thank you for sharing all your stories. It really
does help to know I'm not alone and hearing all your positive stories
about giving birth after sometimes multiple miscarriages is so
encouraging to me. What a great compassionate bunch of people you
are. Your stories brought tears to my eyes, but give me so much hope.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.....
While I'm not the one who posted orginally, I wanted thank
you to all who gave their own stories of miscarriage. I've
recently suffered my second miscarriage (one at 10 weeks
and one at 6) and I, too, have a healthy 16-month-old
daughter. It's so comforting to know others have come
before me and that having another child is indeed possible
if not probable.
I am about 12 weeks pregnant and I recently had my routine 12
week check-up with the OB/GYN. Everything was going well with
the pregnancy beside a little spotting that just started a few
days prior to the appointment. But I did not and have not had
any cramping. Well, needless to say I was quite excited because
this was the first time I was going to see the baby. When it
was time for the vaginal ultrasound, it showed nothing. I have
a uterus that is the size of 8 weeks and it is empty. No baby,
nothing: a black hole. Even though I have had two pregnancy
tests and early pregnancy symptoms. It has been three days
since that appointment and I have continued to spot but that is
it. The OB/GYN is testing the HCG levels in my blood over the
series of several days to see what my hormones say about the
pregnancy. I was shocked and still am. I cried hysterically
during and after the appointment. My husband is having a hard
time with it but is doing better than I am. I want people to
know but I dont want to tell them, matter of fact I don't want
people to contact me about it and I don't want to have to
explain it over and over. I have been bombarded with phone
calls and emails from close family telling me how sad and sorry
they are and if there is anything they can do and of course the
famous ''it is for the best'' ''it is not your fault''. I am not
sure how I am supposed to feel. I appreciate my family
expressing their support but I really wish that they would just
leave me alone so that I can internalize what has happened and
accept my feelings. So many people know about the pregnancy and
they ask all the time how I am feeling (of course because they
care) but it makes such an uncomfortable situation when people
ask and then you have to break the news. They get upset and
then I will get upset. Then they feel so bad for asking and
then I feel like I am propping them up and it is not their loss.
My mother in law called me yesterday crying hysterically. I
just cannot deal with it. I am trying to come to grips with my
feelings and I feel like I am consoling everyone else. But all I
have is an ultrasound with an empty uterus. I have not expelled
the lining tissue. Am I pregnant or not? Part of me is really
sad and upset, the other part of me knows that there was nothing
I did to cause this and nothing I could of done to prevent it.
I want to come to grips with my and my husband's feelings and
emotions and move on. We do not have a problem with fertility
and we have a healthy and happy 13 month old daughter. I know
that we will have another child. I am just so confused and
could not find anything on the archives that discussed
miscarriage. I would really appreciate it if anyone who has
been in this situation could share their experience with me and
how they coped with this loss.
Thank you, Anon
I had a similar situation with my first pregnancy and to be
honest, I'm surprised your doctor didn't schedule a d&c right
away. I also didn't have any spotting or symptoms and had
morning sickness up until a few days before the appt (week
13). In fact, we'd even seen the beating ''heart'' at my nine
week appt. I also was devastated and my husband also took it
better. I found solace in a newsgroup at the time
(soc.pregnancy.loss I think).
My doctor scheduled a d&c for the next day and I spent the
whole night being miserable and concerned. If you end up
having one, make sure you request anesthesia (sp?) that will
knock you out ;-) I know some doctors just use painkillers but
I think if I'd had to be cognizant of what was going on I would
hvae been even more distressed. We also had genetic testing
done and found out that the problem was unlikely to recur as it
was called a ''mosaic'' and therefore had probably happened after
conception. Most doctors won't do genetic testing without
cause but we were at a teaching hospital so I think that's why
they did it (and it was helpful for me esp being a first
It sounds like you might also be feeling a little like I was in
that I couldn't understand how come my body wasn't miscarrying
and was there in fact a problem if it wasn't. Of course, with
my subsequent pg I was also a wreck esp. but fortunately, I had
a healthy child and have since had another one.
I did take some time to mourn and in fact, gave the baby a name
that I used at the time (my husband didn't like this idea and
didn't participate in this at all, btw).
I'm so sorry about your loss. Something similar happened
to me 11 years ago and it still hurts. I was 12 weeks
pregnant and went to my appointment to hear the heartbeat
for the first time. It was undetected. This was after weeks of
morning sickness, having a transvaginal ultrasound at
about 6 weeks and seeing the heartbeat. I was devastated.
Like you, I had no cramping. I didn't have any spotting. The
only thing I did notice was that my symptoms seemed to be
going away. I attributed it to getting over the 1st trimester. I
must admit, I did have a 6th sense that all was not perfect.
My diagnosis was a ''missed abortion,'' a cruel name for a
miscarriage. I had a D&C.
I was numb. I hadn't told most of my co-workers, but I had
told most of my friends and family. Most people were very
supportive, but I endured many hurtful responses. The most
hurtful were the people who said nothing at all. I too got the
''it's all for the best..., better now than have a baby who's not
going to make it...''
It was hard telling people about it. It was also hard going
about my life around the people who didn't know -- they
couldn't possible know how I was feeling. In retrospect, I
think I wished I hadn't told so many family members early
on, and I also wished I had joined some sort of support
My husband was great, but didn't understand when I'd come
home from work crying that so and so was pregnant for the
second time, and why did it happen to ME!? My mother was
pretty supportive and said one thing that was so true. Yes,
we all know about the statistics, but as she pointed out, it
happened to ME. I became the statistic.
My advice? Hang in there. Talk to people, especially those
who have been through it. If you don't want to talk to friends
or family, find a support group or a therapist. Keeping this to
yourself isn't helpful. Also, try to remember that people do
mean well, it just doesn't always come out that way. Most of
the time people don't know what to say. Take care.
Mom of 2
I think you will get a lot of responses from women who have
experienced what you are going through now. First let me say that
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I too, had a similar
miscarriage. I had a easy, trouble-free first pregnancy and went
my 12 week appt, just before getting on a plane to go tell my
parents that I was pregnant. But in the doctors office the doctor
realized that there was no heartbeat. He did an ultrasound and
confirmed his findings. He thought that the fetus died at about 10
weeks based on the size, suggested that I have a higher quality
ultrasound the following week and schedule a DNC. I was shocked.
No spotting, no hint that anything was wrong. The last thing I
wanted was to get on a plane, but I did and had a quiet weekend
reflecting on my situation. My situation differs from yours in
that I didn't tell many that I was pregnant, maybe 3-4 very close
friends, so it was relatively easy to just tell them what
was supportive and we tired to get pregnant a few months later and
it worked without a problem. I was sad, but I'm a very practical
person and focused on the fact that many initial pregnancies end
with miscarriages. The week after my DNC I was depressed (and
pampered myself), I think until my hormones could get back to
normal. My husband had a bit more difficult time thinking maybe
we shouldn't have kids etc., but I reassured him that miscarriages
are common (I was 36). I hope that by knowing others have gone
through this, it will help you.
I read your e-mail and understand exactly what you are going
through. I had a miscarriage about two years ago. It was my
first pregnancy. It is very important to realize that it is not
your fault. Miscarriages are very common. I think my ob/gyn
told me 1/5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I too was crushed
when I found out that I would have a miscarriage. The one thing
my ob/gyn said to make me feel better is that miscarriages
indicate that you DO NOT have problems with fertility. You will
likely get pregnant again rather quickly. I did. And I now have
a healthy 7-month old girl. You might consider going to a
support group. I know John Muir hospital has one and I'm sure
Summit and Alta Bates do to. It might help to talk to others in
the same situation. I did not do this but wish I had. I am now
part of a mother's group and 3 of the 7 moms in the group had
miscarriages (you can see how common it is). It was very
cathartic discussing what happened with them.
- been there
I had two miscarriages prior to having my now 14-month-old
daugher, and both experiences physically sounded very much like
yours. I am not a physician, but it does sound to me as though
you are no longer pregnant. One of the hardest parts of having
a miscarriage is telling people. And I'm sorry your friends
and relatives are being so intrusive and insensitive. What I
did was to make a list of everyone who knew about the pregnancy
and then had my husband and mother spread the news to everyone,
or I emailed them myself, and we explicitly said to people that
I didn't want to talk about it. A lot of people did want to ''be
there for me'', but we just said I would call them in the future
when I felt like talking. Try not to worry about hurting other
people's feelings. Someone may be offended, but that is their
problem and not yours. You have other things to deal with now
that are more important than making everyone else feel OK.
My heart goes out to you. I have two children and have had
several miscarriages before each, and remember well the grief
and confusion. Especially that ambiguous time when your body
still believes you are pregnant, so you experience all the
physical consequences, and when your hormonal levels drop, and
you have to adjust to the mood consequences of those physical
changes. Each woman and each couple gets through this in
her/their own way. I needed everyone to know and I needed the
support of my friends and family, even when their words of
support were sometimes off-base. I found that the more I spoke
of my miscarriages, the more I learned about how typical it was
among friends. But perhaps you need more privacy. Let
yourself and your husband decide what you need and don't feel
embarrassed to be honest to those who phone. I also found
support and solace from the women who post on the INCIID
website (http://www.inciid.org), although given that this is a
single miscarriage and unlikely to reoccur, you may prefer not
to get connected with women who have had more than one. Take
care of yourself.
Indeed, I am so sorry, and I empathize with you. I had a
miscarriage after no unusual symtoms in my 13th week.
Miscarriages are a unique event, because we mourn not the loss of
a baby that we have held in our arms, but rather the loss of what
we have held in our hearts. We lose our
dreams and our image of what our family is going to look like. I
had a miscarriage the first time I was pregnant; I was finally
fulfilling my fantasy of having children. I told literally
everyone that I was pregnant (including strangers)! But if we
have a miscarriage, people don't know how to act towards us,
because from where they are standing, nothing has changed. But I,
too, felt such intense grief and was struck by people's comments
(many struck me as cold or patronizing). I really wanted someone
to tell me that it was okay to grieve, okay to feel sad, and okay
to be angry. Because we have not ''lost'' anything visible to other
people, we feel that we should act as if nothing happened. But
something did happen, and you need to grieve. You need to cry for
this baby and for yourself. In my case, I did feel better after
some time and I did get pregnant again (and again!). But,
although seven years have passed, it is still something I think
about and wonder about. But, the pain is no longer there.
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I experienced a
pregnancy loss at 24 weeks, over 12 years ago, but your post brought
back many memories and feelings. First of all, there is no ''right'' way to
feel or to grieve. You feel what you feel -- bewilderment, grief, anger,
confusion -- and that's what you need. I'd say it sounds like you really
know what you want, on some level. You want to not have to take care of
other people, or to explain yourself, or to hear about things being ''all for
the best.'' (arrgghhghh!! that is the worst!!)
I wish that I had had the benefit of email 12 yrs ago. I think it could
actually be very helpful for you. You were really quite clear and honest
in your post about how you are feeling and how peoples' reactions are
affecting you. Why not forward this, or an edited version, to your email
list, saying, I appreciate your concern but what I really need right now
is... to be left alone until further notice? To have people come and take
care of my 13 month old so I can have some quiet reflective grieving
time? To have help with meals? Think of what you would want, in an
ideal world (besides having your pregnancy back) and ask for it, as
directly as possible. People around you are as bewildered as you are
and could use some guidance.
When I lost my pregnancy, bizarrely enough, I hated people being
cheerful or chipper and I was actually quite moved when other people
cried. It showed me that the pregnancy meant something to them as
well, and that they were feeling a loss as well. But for you, it makes you
feel like you have to take care of them. I would say this. Tell people that
if they are having feelings about this, it would help YOU a lot if they
would deal with these privately, because you are feeling overwhelmed
with your own situation at this time.
Time will heal this terrible, sad wound. But in the meantime be gentle
with yourself and be as honest as you can in asking for what you need,
whatever that may be. Also: it might be really useful to go to a
pregnancy loss support group at your local hospital. They all have
regular meetings, and it was really beneficial for me to be able to
express myself in a group of people who were going through the same
thing. It made me feel much less alone.
Best to you in this painful time.
Hi, I can only suggest that you go to mothering.com -the website
for Mothering magazine - and look through their archives for a
recent issue dedicated entirely to miscarriage. It was so
informative and gentle - and had many stories and poetry by
people going through exactly what you are now.
I checked for you and
you simply need to click on Books and Back Issues and scroll down
to the back issues section. It is #113 - July/August 2002 - and
only costs $3.00 to order. I highly recommend purchasing this
and reading it with your supportive husband. I would pass my
copy along, but have already done so.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I had a similar situation
with my first pregnancy. At 8.5 weeks, there was nothing on
the first ultrasound. The OB sent me to the ''big'' ultrasound
at Kaiser (more powerful than the office ultrasound), which
confirmed that the heart had stopped beating. The doctors
called mine a ''missed abortion'' or ''missed miscarriage'',
meaning the baby had died but my body did not expel it. I
ended up having a D&C, which was a minor procedure. If you
need one, please remember that the surgery is the least of your
It sounds like you are getting appropriate care. I had to
fight for those hormone tests (another very long post for
another day) and for the D&C.
I'm not sure what I can say, except that it does get better. I
surprised myself about six weeks after my miscarriage by
telling my brother in law that I had good days and bad, since
at first it was all just bad. You just get through one day at
a time. I felt better about giving the baby a name and saying
a few prayers for her, even though I am not normally a
You need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane right
now. Please let the machine screen your messages, and think
about taking a few days off of work or away from your usual
routine. Is there someway you can let your ''community'' know
about your situation -- have a friend spread the news or
something -- so you don't have to endlessly discuss it? My
situation was a little different: I had told only immediate
family that I was pregnant, so there was nobody to un-tell. I
was relieved not to have to discuss it, but felt odd about
being so enormously not okay and nobody knew why. I became a
recluse for a month or so.
If it reassures you at all, I conceived a perfect little boy
two months after the D&C. I still sometimes think about the
first baby, but it's very distant now.
Again, my heartfelt sympathies for your loss, and my wishes for
healing for you.
We had a similiar experience with our first pregnancy. At 10
weeks I went in for my ''routine'' first pre-natal visit only to
be told that the fetus had died at 7 weeks. They tried to
schedule me for an abortion that same day (I went to a
different ob for my second pregnancy). Being our first
pregnancy we were not only devastated but we also were
concerned about whether we'd be able to carry a child to term,
etc. We also had to untell many family and friends- this was
very difficult for all the reasons you articulated.
Unfortunately, for my husband this job mostly went to him. I
know that there were many times when he felt left out and told
me that it was hard for him cause it was his loss too but the
focus was on me (and he felt he needed to be stoic for me). I
found though that many more people than I suspected have had a
miscarriage- family members and friends told me about their own
experiences. While this information didn't help it did serve to
make me feel less bad about the physical issues. We went
through a greiving period just as with any loss. We each said
goodbye to the little baby whom we had already fallen in love
with. I still think of her (I am sure it was a little girl) and
wonder what if but then my little son smiles and my whole world
comes back into focus. I decided to let the pregnancy terminate
on its own- my motto being the less surgery the better
(however ''safe'' it is). The miscarriage itself was very painful
(so much so that I went to the er thinking I might be
hemmoraging). I spent 6 hours at Alta Bates before I was seen
only to be told that everything was normal. It was also a lot
more blood than I was expecting. It was like the heaviest day
of my period times five. We had a successful pregnancy on our
next try which was two cycles later to allow my body a little
time to rev up again. Give you and your family time to heal and
try again when your body feels up to it. Know that its ok to
mourn the loss (however early it may have been), talk with your
spouse about your feelings and ask someone ''strong'' in the
family to do the untelling for you if possible, let the
answering machine pick up for awhile, give yourself time to
regroup. Good luck.
I am really sorry to hear about your loss. I have also had
miscarriages since the birth of my first child. The ''it's for the
best'' comments REALLY irk me. I just decided to pity those
people becuase they apparently weren't emotionally mature enough
to deal with the feelings around this. MOTHERING magazine had an
issue on miscarriage and feelings of loss a couple of months ago.
There is also a lot of good information on their website. I think
a big part of the pain of dealing with miscarriage is because it
is so hidden (like anything around death, really) in our culture.
Miscarriages happen an awful lot. I felt like I was educating
people around me about how common it is. I think if we all
understood this, it would not be quite so devastating-- for those
of us going through it, and for those trying to comfort us. I
also found myself thinking a lot about the women I knew when I
lived in Africa for four years-- more than half of them had had
one or more BABIES die-- the pain of which I just can't imagine--
and they talk about it. So talk about it-- but choose with whom.
I actually sent out an email to people at work to let them know
what happened and tell them to please not make a big deal of it.
This really enabled me to choose which of my colleagues I chose
to discuss it with, and let people who were uncomfortable ''off
the hook''. You might put a similar message on your answering
The first time my husband and I tried to get pregnant we got it
done in one day. Then we had a very healthy son which is 23
months. When my son was a year old, my husband and I decided to
get pregnant again. 10 months went by and finally we got
pregnant. I had an urine test done and a home test done; both
showed positive. We were thrilled, our family and our friends
were to. Then, all of the sudden I had some spotting, I waited
24 hours, I called the hospital, the cramps were almost labor
like, sweat, pain, everything. The doctor did a vaginal
ultrasound and found nothing. No fetus, no thickness in the
uterus' lining. Four days and two blood tests later defined a
miscarriage. My husband and I looked at each other and we knew
that the fetus should've been there if it was growing
accordingly, but it was not. So that baby was wrong and it was
nature's way to say "start from scratch" and try again. I am
not happy but I am not sad. We knew there was nothing to do
except call everybody and say: Something went wrong, we are not
pregnant anymore. It was simple. We tried not to make it
difficult for us and for all the people that love us. The
doctor said: "four out of five pregnancies end on miscarriages"
So, I know I am neither the first nor the last. I am very happy
for what I have: my health, my baby, my husband, my home . . .
my life in general. Anon, I don't know if this is what you
wanted to read but it comes from my heart knowing that you have
the same happened to you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. There's a wonderful
website that offers support through communities for many
different topics. www.PregnancyWeekly.com Go to ''communities''
and then ''Support Groups'' and then to ''Miscarriage and Loss
Support'' There you will find other Moms who are going through
exactly what you're going through right now. There is solace in
speaking to people who DO know how you feel.
I'm sorry for your loss. People cope in so many different ways
with this event. Most find it brings a real sense of loss, but
not everyone wants to share their feelings with others. I found
it very hard to get past the loss of my first pregnancy (a
6-month premie). For me, the support group at Alta Bates
Hospital was very helpful as I went through the process of
grieving and trying to build a family. Meeting people going
through all types of pregnancy losses and then recovering helped
keep me from getting stuck in one place. I first went almost 1
YEAR after my loss, and wished I'd gone sooner, but at the time I
thought why on earth would I want to hear about MORE of these
losses? It turned out to be exactly what I needed to hear (and
to hear how people survived and moved on). The support group at
Alta Bates Hospital is called SAND (stands for Support After
Neonatal Death). They can be reached at 204-1571.
I know how you feel. I had two miscarriages between my two
kids, and it was awful. Like you, I had none of the usual
experiences: only a bit of spotting the second time, and nothing
the first. Upon finding no heartbeat, the doctors discovered
the pregnancy had ended. Both times I needed a D&C, which was
poignant, since the same procedure is used for abortion and we
really wanted those babies. The best balm was time. (It also
helped to learn, upon tissue testing of the second miscarriage,
that there was a genetic problem that was incompatible with
life.) My advice: take care of yourself, and let time heal
you. Believe me, when you have your second child -- which you
almost certainly will -- this experience will be a tiny footnote
to your family experience. You will adore the second child and
not be able to imagine him/her being someone else. You will
feel that THAT child -- the one you have -- was the child meant
for you, not any other (including the one you lost). Good
I am so sorry for your loss. It is often a very, very difficult
thing to deal with.
You asked for others who had had this experience to share their
tips. I have had 3 miscarriages, and I have one healthy
daughter. All of the miscarriages were hard, by now I have some
thoughts on what helps me cope.
First of all, realize that you are grieving. And that it is fine
to grieve. Take your time. Some days will be OK and some will
be crappy. You will go through a lot of emotions, just like
dealing with the death of a relative or someone you know.
Sometimes you'll be angry, sometimes sad, sometimes filled with
disbelief, the list goes on. Be sad if you want to. Don't hold
back your tears. After a while you will realize that you cry a
little less often.
Don't do anything you don't feel like doing right doing. Don't
answer the phone if you don't want to, just let the answering
machine get it and you can pick up if you want.
Don't expect yourself to ''get back to normal'' right away. I
always felt like a piece of my heart had been taken out. My
heart still works and thrives but I will always have that little
Talk to people you like to talk to. And if you know others who
have had miscarriages it is often very helpful to talk with them.
Once you start telling people you'll be amazed how many have also
had miscarriages. A support group for pregnancy loss may also be
helpful. Check with your OB or your local hospital.
It's not necessary to always hold back your tears in front of
your daughter if it is hard for you to do. Sometimes it is OK
for her to catch you with tears. You can just explain that Mommy
is sad, but that things will get better and you will be happy
again later. Tell her that hugs from her help you feel better
(and they do!).
If you want to read a book about miscarriage I'd recommend The
Woman Doctor's Guide to Miscarriage. It might be out of print,
but I got it from the library. Or used on Amazon. Sometimes it
helps to have more information. Instead of the ''sometimes this
happens'' line you get from doctors, etc.
If people ask what they can do to help, tell them it's been hard
to get meals together if they want to drop by food. Or they could
invite your daughter for a playdate to give you a break. A lot
of people want to help, they just don't know how.
Also... they checked to verify that you don't have a tubal
pregnancy, right? And if you don't have that, did they mention a
D&C? Although a D&C sounds horrible, I've been through both
situations (D&C and ''natural'' miscarriage) and for me the D&C was
actually a lot less painful. If you go to Alta Bates for this
they will tell you that your husband/friend can't go with you
past the admissions desk upstairs. But if you talk to the nurses
down in pre-op, they might allow your husband to come down and
hold your hand in pre-op before the surgery. Just explain the
situation and say you really need some support. (Or maybe it was
my sobbing that convinced them to let him come down. Whatever
works.) Whatever happens, take care
In reading the posts about miscarriage, I noted that one family
experienced a miscarriage due to a ''mosaic.'' As I understand it
this is a configuration of chromosomes in which there has been a
mutation during cell division, so some cells have one
configuration and others have another configuration. What I
want to pass along is that these mosaics can vary widely and do
not necessarily result in miscarriage or anything detectable.
During prenatal testing on my first child, we discovered that I
am a mosaic of inverted and non-inverted (i.e. normal) 11th
chromosome. One of my daughters has all inverted 11th
chromosomes and the other has all normal 11th chromosomes.
Interesting information, but of no consequence in our life or
health to date.
I am writing because I don't want someone who has heard that
their child is a ''mosaic'' to worry that this will necessarily
lead to a miscarriage.
My heart goes out to all the families who wrote about their
experiences with miscarriages.
I am now pregnant again after two miscarriages over the past 18
months. My doctor won't even address it as an issue before three
miscarriages (especially at age 38, after one healthy delivery).
She cites statistics about most miscarriages being the result of
chromosomal abnormalities... and I know there's a good chance
they are. But since finding out I am pregnant again, I have
found myself being really worried about environmental hazards---
Did I cause the lst two miscarriages? Will I be able to carry
this one full term? I was living in a different city during my
first (uncomplicated, full term) pregnancy. Is the microwave
zapping me? What about the 1/2 cup of coffee I was drinking
every morning? A friend has told me to get my water tested.
EBMUD was very nice, but their (very logical) question was, ''test
for what?'' I have looked up the list of toxins on the Prop 49
website, but it is little daunting. Does anyone have any
thoughts or experience?
Trying again in Oakland
I don't know about the environmental part, but I have several
friends who had one baby, followed by a series of miscarriages.
They all finally were told to take one asprin a day during their
pregnancy (something to do with the blood, I think), and all
carried healthy babies to term. Anyway, you might want to ask
your doctor about this, as it took a few of my friends several
miscarriages before they tried this.
Good luck to you!
Kaiser Permenante published their own research this past year on
microwave/low-level emr energy that found correlation with higher
miscarriage in the first 10 weeks. Here's a link to an article
Kaiser has a number of research studies on various aspects of this
subject. Good luck!
I can so understand what you're going through! I had my first
child at 35, then 3 miscarriages! The question does pop up
if it was my fault. Because somehow it seems easier to
cope with if someone is to blame (even if it is ourselves)
than having to acknowledge that reproduction is something
beyond our control! Trust your doc - genetics are powerful,
and fortunately there IS this self-regulating mechanism of
nature. On the other hand - I haven't been using tap-water
for food or drink in years. Even if they don't know about its
consequences, there's lots of gunk in there. And I
concentrate on organic foods. I do drink a cup of coffee -
research shows that uterine bloodflow is reduced only if you
drink at least three. Taking care to eat healthily is not only
good for a baby growing inside you, it's also great for you!
That said, I do want to mention I went on baby-aspirine after
my third miscarriage, and on progesterone (I'm an Ob/Gyn).
None of this is totally proven to work, but hey - I have a
healthy three month old daughter now, at the age of 41! So -
carry on, and good luck!!
First off I am so sorry for your losses. Second I can't believe
your doctor is making you wait for a third miscarriage to
investigate further!!! Although I haven't had this problem
myself I have participated in an online infertility group for a
number of years and many women there have had this
issue. The first thing people suggest ruling out is low
progesterone. If your level is low it is easy to treat with
supplements. I know this isn't what you asked about exactly
but if you haven't had this tested it would be worth it to check
it since it is so easy to treat. Wishing you a healthy and
I am very sorry for your loss. I, too, have had 2 miscarriages
in the last 11 months after two healthy, uncomplicated
pregnancies. We have 2 healthy little girls and I never had a
miscarriage before we had them. I have been wondering
about environmental issues; however, unlike you, I had both
children while living in the same house/city. Anyone have
any insight? I am disturbed by the number of miscarriages
that I am hearing about amongst friends ltely as well. I know
that with modern technology we find out about pregnancies
sooner and sooner than in the past, but both of mine were
at 8-9 weeks.
If you intuition tells you that environmental factors may be an
issue, you should listen. Do everything you can to minimize all
of the possible concerns you mentioned and then some...Don't go
anywhere near a microwave; drink and cook with quality bottled
water; eat organic foods; don't allow unecessary tests (i.e.
ultrasounds/sonograms...they do not know how this stuff affects
the fetus, and don't allow any internal exams, there is no need
for it); don't let yourself get stressed out during your
pregnancy; avoid toxic fumes of any kind (paint, hair dye, nail
polish, etc.). These are all things that may or may not help but
it's worth a try.
I don't have any information to share about environmental
issues, but I think you should be tested for celiac disease (via
a simple blood test for the presence of three antibodies).
Celiac sprue causes recurrent pregnancy loss and is often
subclinical - i.e., you can have it without being aware of any
symptoms for a long time. Also, consider going on a regimen of
one children's aspirin (80 mg) daily, which can help in the
event of immune disorders which cause recurrent miscarriages.
There is a lot of information about this on the web, and
newsgroups such as alt.miscarriage or alt.pregnancy.miscarriage
(I forget which it is). Also, see a reproductive
endocrinologist. An OB/gyn is not enough (including those who
say they ''specialize'' in such issues; they are nowhere near as
knowledgeable as they think). Believe me, I've been there.
If you have not been tested for mycoureaplasma, I would recommend
that. It's a very simple test, but is not part of a routine STD
screen. I was required to have the test done in order to receive
an artificial insemination and found out I was positive. I had
been going for routine annuals all my life and it had never been
detected. I recommended this test to a friend who had 3
miscarriages. She also tested positive and was treated (simple
antibiotic routine) and then she had a successful pregnancy.
Happy Mom of 2 month old
I don't blame you for being nervous after the experience of
two miscarriages. I went through the same thing, and was
very careful about everything. I was also in my late thirties
when I had the miscarriages, and 38 for my
third--sucessful!!--pregnancy. I hate to say it, but age is a
factor, and there's nothing you can do about that. However,
many, many women have healthy babies at age 38, so try to
focus on that.
I'm concerned about your doctor's lack of empathy. You
might try discussing your fears and the reasons for them
again. You might even be direct and say you need better
emotional support. I don't think that's unreasonable. The
understanding of both my OB and my GP were increadibly
helpful to me throughout my sucessful pregnancy.
As for your actions, I doubt that the 1/2 cup of coffee caused
any problem with the other pregnancies, but if it causes you
anxiety, stop drinking it or switch to decaf. If you're worried
about tap water, drink bottled water during your pregnancy.
Don't handle solvents, don't change the cat litter, do take
your vitamins and follow all the prenatal advice of your
doctor or midwife. Do what makes you feel better, more
confident. Pregnancy after miscarriage has a complicated
set of stresses. The hardest times for me were right around
the gestational ages of the earlier miscarriages. In my
case, things turned out beautifully, and I had a healthy,
happy child. I hope the same for you.
It doesn't have to be toxins. Please ask for a test for
antiphospholipid syndrome. It's just a blood test. (This goes
along with the earlier advice given about aspirin. Essentially,
the syndrome causes ''breakdowns'' in cell walls that clog the
blood flow through the placenta. Aspirin, heparin, etc. make the
blood thin enough to slide on through.) My two miscarriages (6 &
10 weeks) were after an uncomplicated 1st preg & delivery. It's
treatable & I now have 3 children.
Russell Laros at UCSF is the local ''go-to guy'' for this, and
he's just wonderful. He treated my high-risk pregnancies and was
delighted at my choice to have low-risk homebirths with those
Like you I was told it was statistical, but I felt ''something''
was wrong, and yes indeedy, it was. Feel free to email me.
I'm interested to hear how others with antiphospholipid syndrome
have treated it. My sister suffers from this, and after her
first uneventful pregnancy/birth, she had two miscarriages
before she was diagnosed, treated, and able to carry another
baby to term. Now that I'm considering a second baby, I'm not
sure whether I should be tested for it (it may be genetic). If
I'm positive, I won't necessarily show any symptoms (miscarry
or, perish the thought, stillbirth), but I'll still have to
decide whether to take the risk or inject myself daily with
heparin. Has anyone else had to deal with this decision? Has
anyone who's positive successfully gone through a pregnancy
without heparin? I'm interested to hear about anyone's
experiences, positive or negative. Many thanks.
I faced the decision whether to take baby aspirin and inject
myself daily with heparin when I discovered that I have the
antiphospholipid syndrome (APS). A bit about my history: I had a
successful and uneventful first pregnancy and gave birth to a
healthy boy; my second pregnancy was uneventful but my placenta
failed to provide enough oxygen in the last hours of my pregnancy
because of a blood clot and my second son died two days after he
Shortly after his death I was tested for APS and found to be
negative so the demise of my second son remained a mystery until
I became pregnant again two years later. I was referred by the
nurse practitioner at the OB/GYN clinic I attend to the Alta
Bates Perinatal Clinic and they tested me again. This time,
already some ten weeks pregnant, the tests for APS came back
positive. The positive result pointed to the loss of my second
son as a result of the large blood clot in the placenta. I knew
that I could not put my third child at risk and so I agreed to
take the aspirin and heparin. Once I got the hang of injecting
myself, it was no big deal. (The nightmare was making sure my
insurance company would continue coverage throughout the
pregnancy for this drug as it is so expensive!)And I am now the
happy mother of a third son.
I believe taking the test to discover whether you have APS is
worth it, even if it is just to reduce your fears. I have read
that it can occur in families and my father also has it and takes
an anti-coagulant every day.
If I were to have another child, I would definitely use the baby
aspirin and heparin again.
Here's one web site I found helpful:
I have antiphospholipid syndrome (aps). I've experienced it
all - miscarriages, stillbirth (stillbirth may not have been due
to aps, however). There are varying degrees of the syndrome.
Not everyone has to use heparin. In fact, I used a single 81 mg
asprin each day. I don't think that having the syndrome should
necessarily cause you to decide against having children. Get
tested. Also, make sure you have the high sensitivity test.
There are some low sensitivity screening tests that might lead
you or your doctor to conclude that you don't have aps when you
really do. I have two wonderful children and would have gone
thru fire to get them (in fact I sort of did). The asprin was
no problem and the heparin, according to people I know who used
it, was not that bad either. One note, aps syndrome was/is?
thought to be associated with eclampsia, in that people with aps
have higher rates of eclampsia and preeclampsia. So make sure
you have a good dr. who knows all there is to know about aps and
Hope this helps!
I have a year old baby and will be trying to have another child
within the next six months. Although I haven't had any trouble
conceiving, I have a genetic abnormality that gives every
pregnancy that I have a 50% chance for miscarriage (not counting
my risk for miscarriage given my age -- approaching 40). I had
two miscarriages before my first child. Of course, every
miscarriage is a loss, but I feel very alone (and frightened)in
knowing that I am likely to reenter this predictable cycle of
pregnancy and loss. Is there anyone out there with a similar
genetic difficulty? I know I am lucky that I've been able to
have a child at all, because it certainly is not a given for
everyone. And still. . .
Several years ago I learned via amnio that my unborn child had a
balanced translocation. Similar to what you describe, it was
not expected to have any clinical effect on him, but it would
make him & his future spouse highly prone to miscarriages.
However, we felt very confused and fearful at first. As part of
trying to understand the significance of the genetic
abnormality, I found an absolutely wonderful website on genetic
issues and pregnancy (you can post anonymously with an alias).
It is part of a larger website at http://www.Inciid.org that has
many many boards for people dealing with infertility,
miscarriage and other related issues. When you get to the
inciid.org site you will need to search around for the Medical
Issues boards, and then search for the one on Genetics. If you
want to post to the website you need to register (very simple
and your email is not circulated at all), otherwise you can just
read the posts. There is a genetics specialist there but I have
found the support and info from peers there more valuable.
Through this board I have met countless women who have the same
or similar genetic abnormality as my son, or their husband has
the abnormality. All of these women have had multiple
miscarriages and are familiar with the pain of never knowing if
a ''+'' on a home pregnancy test means a viable pregnancy or
another disappointment. We share successes, disappointments,
and medical information and literature. Most of us would never
be able to find someone in our locality with the same genetic
concern, because they occur so infrequently and people tend to
be very private about them. Many of us are poorly informed by
our local genetic counselors or OBs as well. Over time I have
become good friends with a couple of women who live in different
parts of the country, one of whom has a genetic translocation
herself, one of whom has a husband with one, and both of whom
have been able to have 2 children, one by just enduring multiple
miscarriages, the other through IVF and preimplantation genetic
diagnosis. Some day I will be able to tell my son that having
this translocation does not mean that he will not be able to be
the biological father of his children, and he will be able to
make well-informed choices.
My sister has the SAME problem and had 3 miscarriages before being
diagnosed. She now faces the dilemna of an out-of-the-country
procedure or taking fertility drugs to decrease the odds of a 4th
miscarriage. Please email me if you'd like to talk to her directly about her
experience, her doctor and her findings.
this page was last updated: Feb 9, 2010
The opinions and statements expressed on this website
are those of parents who subscribe to the
Berkeley Parents Network.
Disclaimer & Usage for
information about using content on this website.
Copyright © 1996-2013 Berkeley Parents Network