Advice about Conception & Gender
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Advice about Conception & Gender
i'm feeling both a bit of guilt and anxiety right now over the
possible gender of our next child. we've decided not to find out the
gender of our second and last child, which will be due at the end of
the year. i have a child of one gender and i've always hoped that i
would have one of each gender. that's what i grew up with and i guess
it feels right to me because i ''know'' it--and i just want to be able
to experience both sexes as a parent. but, of course this may not
happen. i'm wondering if i'm making a mistake by not finding out the
gender now. i feel like its a bit anti- climactic to know before
hand. i know if i find out i'll be obsessing over the gender, whereas
now its a nice mystery. the thing is, because of fertility issues it
took years to conceive this child, which i think of as a miracle. deep
down i know i would be thrilled with any sex as long as its a healthy
child. but i do have that wish for a child of each gender and the last
thing i want to do is to be disappointed at the birth. i have a
feeling that the disapointment would be short lived, but i don't want
to set myself up for any negative feelings at that moment or possible
depression in the early weeks. i'm kind of ashamed to be asking this
question because i am truely grateful for this gift i've been given
and in the end gender is just one aspect of ones personality. but i
can't ignore this little voice inside me who really wants to have the
opportunity to parent both sexes. i figure its good to get this out
now. i'm just wondering if anyone waited until the birth to find out
and then felt very disappointed or depressed? i had a hard time
adjusting to life as a mom in the first few months with my first child
(now i love it) and i just don't want to set myself up for depression,
if i would even get that far. any stories to share would be
helpful--it would also be nice to hear positive experiences of
parenting two same gender children...i feel super guity for even
bringing this topic up and have even thought about seeing a therapist.
I can tell you about our birth experience, but everyone is
different so it's just one perspective, and may not mirror your
experiences. I had one boy, and really wanted a girl for our
second child. I also was trying for a VBAC, and did absolutely
everything within my power to ''prepare'' (keeping my weight gain
low, working out, following all my midwife's advice). As it
turned out, I was suprised by a second emergency c-section,
which followed the same circumstances as the first birth, and a
boy. I have to admit, I did nurse some disappointed feelings
about both the birth and the gender for a few days, maybe up to
one week. But, that was secondary to my relief at having a
second healthy baby, and my astonishment that the recovery to
the 2nd C-section was so much better than the first (perhaps
due in part to my diligence in ''taking care of myself'' better
than I did for the first pregnancy). Anyway...in retrospect, I
don't mind that I had a bit of disappointment - it didn't wreck
the experience by any means. I still relish the memory of
keeping the gender a secret. For me there was so much joy in
anticipating this suprise. If we had a 3rd child, I would find
out the gender, but only to experience something different. And
suprisingly, I now consider the idea of three boys to be very
appealing, maybe even my preference, but most importantly I can
truly say that I would be thrilled either way (if we had a 3rd
child - still undecided). So, you know yourself and your
reactions, but in my case, I was really suprised by how much
I've embraced our reality of All Boys - and you might suprise
yourself too. I think whatever we end up having, that becomes
our reality and then we start to build a life around that and
it quickly becomes what we know, recognize and love.
Mom of two wonderful boys
We waited with our 1st daughter, and it was fun to find out the
day she was born. We thought we wanted to wait with our 2nd, but
I think we were also hoping to find out if it was a boy. I have
always wanted a little boy, and I think that my husband would
have liked it as well, although he always wanted a little girl.
We gave in & found out at 30 weeks that we are having another
little girl. We were in shock for a few days, but at least for me
it gave me some reassurance that I would not have to worry about
either covering femininty/masculinity issues equally and also
learning to deal with two children of different genders.
I do agree that it's anti-climactic, however, I don't necessarily
feel a stronger bond because I know she's a girl. Some people are
thrilled to know early, but it honestly isn't doing much for me.
However, if you can't stop thinking about having two children of
different genders vs. both of the same, finding out early would
assuage that. Although for me, that just ended the wondering &
thinking about a little boy and then I felt like ''now what?'' If
it really doesn't matter, in the end, then you could probably
deal with it once your beautiful blessing is here.
FYI -I have also dealt with depression issues but am also a happy
to know I will have two little girls to love even though this is
our last and we know we won't ever be having a little boy.
Proud mommy of two little girls
I have three sons and did not know the gender of any of them before birth, even
though we had amnios, ultrasounds, etc - so someone knew. For us it was very simple
- we wanted a child, we didn't care which gender. I feel like there are very few good
surprises left in life - and after 40 weeks of pregnancy I needed a good surprise! Got a
beauty every time!
Surprised every time
I had the ultrasound. Knowing ahead of time that I was having
another boy was good for us. It allowed my husband to feel his
little bit of disappointment that our second would not be a girl
without bringing it to the birth (I actually did not care either
way) and it helped our older child to connect with his brother
and call him by name. I am pregnant now with our third and last
baby, and in one months time I am off for our ultrasound. While
it is mostly to check the baby over and make sure everything
looks good, once again we will find out the gender. It was just
so good for our oldest to know that we want to do it the same way
again. And yes, by the way, you were right in your guess that you
will love that baby no matter what. I also feel compelled to
mentioned that it has become apparent in our family that a
brother is exactly what my older son needed. And now they are
thick as thieves. Whatever you get will be right for your family!
Whatever you decide, good luck!
In the Know
I could have written your post two years ago. We found out the
gender with our first (a boy) and were very happy and it was fun
planning, decorating, etc. With the second, I found that I got a
lot of the ''are you hoping for a girl now?'' comments and deep
down, I'd always pictured myself with a daughter. I think I knew
in my heart I was having a boy, although we chose to wait to find
out the gender. Our thinking for that was that if we found out
it was a boy, I would feel a little let down, and then guilt for
that feeling, and that would taint the birth and bonding. We
decided that if we waited, once we SAW our child, gender wouldn't
matter and we'd just fall in love with our baby. Also, people
were less likely to have irritating reactions to the news of a
second boy if he was already born verus finding out before.
In the end, three weeks before the birth, a nurse slipped and
said the gender anyway (I guess this is a common occurance.)
We kept it to ourselves, and three weeks later had another
beautiful little boy. Needless to say, I adore both my kids and
am so grateful to have both. Having two of the same is a lot of
fun...they can be best friends, share toys/clothes, and it's fun
to see how they are alike and different despite their same
gender. Mine are night and day.
I do still dream of having a girl...but for us it would be
through adoption, for health reasons, and...for the balance of
being able to get a girl for certain. Don't feel guilt.
Desiring a certain gender is very, very normal. You can have one
gender and adore your child/children but still dream of having
Mama of two amazing boys
I found out while pregnant what I was having, and it was my 2nd
boy. I was very disappointed and felt like the rest of my
pregnancy was somewhat tainted by that. Now it is great, but I
definitely wasn't as excited for his arrival as I was with my
first. Not sure whether it is better to know ahead of time and
feel disappointment while pregnant or to find out at the birth
and feel disappointment then, but it made me somewhat depressed
for the remainder of my pregnancy.
Over it, finally!
I am expecting my second baby in the fall and my husband and I
are going back on forth on whether to find out our baby's
gender. With my older son, we did not find out and it was
perfect, we both loved it. This time, my husband would like to
find out because he a) wants to be able to prepare in advance
if we'll need girl stuff and b) He thinks that knowing more
about our baby in advance will help him to bond better with
him/her before baby's birth. I would like to wait again but am
open to finding out. I'm curious to hear other families
experiences particularly with second babies. Thanks so much
for sharing with us!
pink or blue?
Like you, we chose to be surprised about our first baby's gender.
How many big, happy surprises like that do you get to have in
life, right? With our second, we opted to find out the gender.
Our older child was not particularly thrilled at the prospect of
a sibling and has trouble with transitions in general, so we
thought he would be better-prepared the more he knew. Also, I
was hoping for a girl and was pretty sure I wouldn't want a third
child, so I wanted time to cope with my feelings if it turned out
to be a boy. Sure enough, the ultrasound very clearly showed a
penis. My emotional response was quite a lot stronger than I'd
anticipated, and I'm glad I had time to adjust. If the surprise
and those feelings had come up at the birth, I'm afraid it would
have cast a shadow. A male friend of ours was also surprised at
his own disappointment when his last child was another boy rather
than a girl. So I'd say if either you or your husband has any
fear of being disappointed, finding out in advance is a good
idea. I can't say that it really helped me *bond* any better,
but I think knowing more what to expect did help my older son.
Having time to prepare a girl-y nursery and clothes certainly
sounds like fun, too! Whatever you decide, good luck!
With both our children, we found out the baby's gender from the
amnio. Many of our friends waited til birth because they wanted
it to be a surprise. Well, it was a surprise too when we found
out the results from the amnio, just a few months earlier, so
what's the difference? This way, we could pick out a name
earlier (no need to pick out a boy's and a girl's name, just
one), and we could plan and bond. One woman I know did not find
out the gender with both her kids until birth, and she actually
regretted it towards the end of her second pregnancy. Why wait?
It's still a surprise, just a few months earlier
My experience was with my first baby, but looking back I don't
feel like it was less of a surprise to find out at 20 weeks, just
a surprise at a different time. I was so excited and overcome
with emotion when they told me at the ultrasound - I burst into
tears. I feel I had time to enjoy the surprise and excitement,
and share it with everyone - it was the most wonderful moment of
my pregnancy. I think I would have missed this blessing if I had
waited, because I was exhausted and in pain after delivery and
not really able to feel much at that time.
Happy I found out.
I would wait. There is no better surprise on earth! You can
always buy clothes and whatnot after the baby is born.
I waited, and it was the most exciting moment of my life
Can your husband keep a secret? If so, let him find out and you can
have the surprise
at the end.
What I most enjoyed about finding out the sex of my babies while I was
pregnant (both girls) was that I could stop calling them ''it'' and
start thinking of them as ''her'' which humanized each baby for me in
a different way. I think that is what people mean by ''bonding''
better. Somehow we have a hard time feeling like we know a person
without knowing their gender. So my baby didn't seem like a real
person when she was an ''it'' or a ''him or her.'' On the other hand,
having a boy first, I don't think it matters so much in terms of
getting the right clothes and stuff before the birth. People don't
seem to have much problem putting a newborn girl in blue or ''boyish''
clothes. (Whereas for some reason they don't like putting a boy in
frilly pink. Hmm. Go figure ;) I know others who really enjoyed
keeping the sex a surprise until the birth, but I enjoyed knowing my
child's sex and even her name as soon as possible.
--not into surprises while giving birth
Just thought I would share our experience since it worked out
really well for us. With our first baby, absolutely everything
was new - no idea what to expect, etc. etc. We opted to find
out the gender so we could plan and get ready as much as possible
(catering to my comfort level). It was, of course, very special
because it was the first time we had gone through pregnancy,
childbirth and childrearing. With our second child, my husband
convinced me to keep the gender a surprise. His point was that
we already have an idea of what pregnancy, etc. is like
(obviously they can be very different but in general you know
what's coming!) so to make the second child's birth equally
special, lets keep it a surprise.
It was a perfect way to go (well he did have to come home from
the hospital in a pink blanket...) and now we get to tell each of
them about the special stories of their births. Smart man, my
Good luck with your decision, either way, you get a baby!
I am 20 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I just had my
ultrasound yesterday. We are having a boy and I am disappointed
by this news. When the technician showed us the ''proof'', I
almost felt like saying, ''There must be a mistake''. I did not
realize how much I had been hoping for a girl, and I feel
foolish for thinking I had any control in this matter.
My family & friends all guessed it was a girl as well. I am sure
I will love this child with all my heart regardless of it's
gender, but I am surprised by my reaction to the news. My
husband feels neutral so he is happy with this news. I feel
guilty that I am not as elated. We are thrilled to have a child,
so why do I feel bummed out about this?
By the way, I am not a girlie girl and some of my dearest
friends are men. This certainly confirms the saying, ''Life is
what happens while you're busy making plans''.
Confused Parent To Be
Don't beat yourself up over this. Many many parents have been
disappointed on first
learning the sex of their child. You will definitely get over it and
enjoy yours. One
problem with our feelings while we are expecting is that you haven't
actually met your
son yet, so it is hard to have specific feelings for him. (Just like it
would have been hard
to be in love with your husband, and excited about getting married to
him, before you
even met him!) All you know about this baby now is that he is a boy, but
after he is
born you will meet him and watch him develop into a unique little person
and you will
have a special relationship with him. So don't fret too much if you can
I remember the day we found out our baby was a boy....We were
shocked. Everyone swore he was going to be a girl, and though my
husband and I never spoke about it, we each expected a girl for
our own weird reasons. We were blind-sighted, and literally
struck dumb. It seemed like our whole world (or what we thought
our world would be) had changed.
The truth is, gender only matters so much when you are pregnant
because it is the only thing you are able to know about the baby.
What color will his hair be? his eyes? How much will he cry? How
alert will he be? Will he sleep through the night right away (not
likely!)? When and how will he prefer to eat? How will he like to
be held? You will be filled with these questions (and their
answers) from the day he is born, and gender will matter so much
less than it seems like it will now.
I can't speak to what it will mean to have an older boy--we just
aren't there yet. I can say that our son's gender virtually
disappeared the day he was born--there was just too much else
about him to discover.
I wasn;t in your shows (i wanted and had a boy) but a good
friend of mine was. She really wanted a boy and had a girl. I
just wanted to say that i have no idea why you feel that way
but that's it ok to. It's also important to say it to people
you can trust. People made me feel bad for having a strong
opinion and they certainly made my friend feel worst. IN the
end she chose to deal in silence and she had a horrible end of
pregancy and i always felt quilty for not giving her more of a
space to voice her feelings. I thik if yu can talk about it you
can say why and start getting on with life.
I felt the same way at my ultrasound. I just felt... deflated.
Like it wasn't real. I guess I had really wanted a girl. But
trust me, when the baby is born, you're going to forget all about
that. There are some wonderful things about having a boy, and
some surprising aspects I hadn't considered (I would have never
guessed how sweet and sensitive boys can be... just wait until
your son says, ''I love you, Mom.'') Hang in there--
A boy mom
I understand how you feel about being disappointed about
gender. I always wanted a girl (and I'm not a girly girl
either) but our baby turned out to be a boy. When I first found
out he was a boy I was sad and disappointed. But as soon as he
was born I found out that it absolutely doesn't matter at all.
In fact, I love having a boy!
My son is 16 months old now and he is totally adorable and into
lots of ''boy'' things (he loves cars -- go figure). I enjoy
seeing him learn new things and develop his own interests.
Plus, it's true that boys love their mamas. So I wouldn't worry
about it too much if I were you. Just know that this is the
baby you were meant to have -- you may be surprised to find out
that he is perfect! :)
mom of a wonderful boy
I completely understand your feelings. I knew I wanted a girl
when I was pregnant and kept dreaming about a little girl. I did
not want to know the baby's gender after the amnio but at one
point, I intuitively 'knew' it was a boy and it was. I was a
little disappointed but once he was born, it truly made no
difference. And I have to say that having a boy has been a
sweet, sweet experience, one that I did not expect. True, there
are times that I have felt he comes from another planet since I
was never interested in trucks, sticks, monsters, and the like,
but there is a sweetness in our relationship that would be
different with a girl. And although he is beginning his teenage
years, I know it would be much tougher with a girl. So don't
feel guilty; I know from other women that this is common. Just
hope for a healthy baby and things will change when he is born.
I think it's good that you are open about your feelings. Once
he smiles at you, all those other feelings will disappear.
a Boy's Mama
Coming from a family of girls, and not having grown up with close
male cousins, neighbors, etc. I also felt mild disappointment
andapprehension when I found out our first child was a boy.
I think it's extremely common and nothing to get anxious or
Let yourself ''mourn'' a little bit, but then it go.
Your child will surprise and delight you in more ways than you
could ever imagine, precisely because he is a boy and his own
i just want you to know that you are not alone--i had the exact
same reaction when i found out my son was going to be a boy. and
of course the guilt only makes it worse...in my case, i went to
see a therapist about it; we worked it out in one session (and
she ended up being my long-term, wonderful therapist--so
something great came out of it!).
my reasons for being disappointed included: utter surprise (we
had also been sure and all of our friends had been sure it would
be a girl); concern that i wouldn't be able to connect with or
understand a boy (i AM a ''girlie-girl'' and DON'T have many close
relationships with men); concern about having a stereotypically
barrelling-around, accident-prone boy; and my own trust issues
with men that raised their gnarly heads. in the end, as i said, i
worked through a lot of this stuff, which was a good thing for me
and my son (and his father). and a lot of it was totally a
nonissue: my son is sweet, sensitive, and cautious (more so than
any young girl i know); and i can't imagine being more bonded
with any other human being. i do have concerns that when he's a
teenager i may not have the personal knowledge to help him with
his problems, but i will deal with that when it comes...and it's
of course also true that had i had a girl, she would not have
necessarily had similar experiences/issues as i had--i.e. i would
not necessarily have been able to relate to her, just because she
was a girl!
there was also, now that i'm thinking about it, a sense of
disappointment that since he was a boy, he wouldn't be like
me...but that is so far from the truth. my son is very similar to
me in personality and demeanor; and we love most of the same things.
i think, for me, a lot (if not all) of my disappointments--in
life, and especially in that first year of motherhood--derived
from having expectations. if you can allow yourself to let go of
images or ideas of how it will be, and let it just happen, life
will be much easier overall. i wish you luck--feel free to write
me if you'd like to talk about all this.
Don't worry; I bet about 50% of parents go through this, because
somewhere in the
back of our minds we have our lives planned out, and if the baby's
gender is different
from what we envisioned, things seem somehow ''wrong''. I'm the mom of
and a boy, and I felt the same way when I saw the ultrasound for baby
#2, who was the
same gender as her older sister. I'd always envisioned mom, dad, a girl
and a boy. But
you are right--when the baby comes out, all that will melt away, and all
matter is that you have a perfect child that is all yours. Go shopping
for a few little
''boy'' things. Talk to moms of baby boys...it will be all good.
Congratulations! It'll be
I was in your exact same position when I found out we were having a boy.
piece of advice is to not feel guilty about your reaction and allow
yourself to feel
what you're feeling. Of course you know you're blessed to be
can be blessed and disappointed at the same time!
My second piece of advice is to go out and buy something special for
your little guy.
It doesn't have to be expensive, just something that you love that is
just for him. I
found this adorable outfit that really helped me start to wrap my brain
child in a more concrete (and male!) sense.
Lastly, of course you're right that you will love your child completely.
I can't imagine
life without my little guy and I'm sure that by the time yours arrives
you'll be ready.
Love my boy
You are not alone!
My little boy is 9 months old, and the exact same thing happened
to me at the ultrasound. And until I read your posting, I had
literally forgotten all about it!
I am embarassed to admit that I cried as soon as I left the
appointment. I was so glad that I found out in advance since it
did take a few days of adjusting for me. Within no time, I was
just thrilled to be having a healthy baby.
This joy kept growing and once he was born, it never crossed my
mind. In fact, I love having a son so much that as we start
thinking about baby #2, I would love to have another boy!
So don't be hard on yourself about feeling disappointed. It's
totally normal. I have seen a ton of postings on the BPN about
it! And CONGRATULATIONS! Baby boys are such a joy!
Happy mommy of little boy :)
Hi, I too was devastated to learn I was having a boy. Its not
that unusual to be disappointed in the baby's gender as I
learned poking around on the web so don't be hard on yourself.
I was seriously depressed for about two weeks and then
begrudgingly dealt with it the rest of the pregnancy. As I now
hold my darling little boy I feel horribly guilty I ever felt
that way (so much so that I feel he looks at me accusingly!).
I don't have any specific coping techniques, I just wanted you
to know you're not alone.
love my boy
It's normal to feel disappointed when you've been getting really
attached to an idea and then it doesn't happen that way. My
husband and I went through your exact situation several weeks
ago, and we both felt very guilty about feeling disappointed. I
tried to not feel guilty, and to allow myself to feel
disappointed. At the same time I didn't dwell on my desire for a
little girl, and I made a deliberate effort to start noticing
little boys and thinking about them in a positive way. After a
few weeks, the idea of the girl had kind of subsided, although I
do still feel a little bit sad about it. But the idea of a boy
has gotten bigger, especially as I've started to feel him move,
and we've both become more and more appreciative of what we do
have. I bet something similar will happen with you. The message
boards on www.babycenter.com have many interesting comments
about this topic.
I had a boy in Feb06 and before I ever got PG I always imagined
having a girl.I knew we only planned on one and so I imagined a
daughter. For so many reasons, mostly to right the wrongs of the
relationship between my mother and myself, I think. I imagined a
brilliant girl that I could share all my femaleness with that my
mohter never understood.My husband only admitted once to me when
I finally got PG (after 7 years and a myomectomy)that he hoped
it was a girl. By then, 3 days into my pregnancy,in fact, I knew
I was having a boy. I just did. I think my husband was more
disappointed than me when we found out for sure. He actually
said so during the ultrasound--''Wow, I was actually hoping for a
girl.'' Now, we have the ''boyest'' boy you could imagine and he is
a barrel of laughs.He is sweet natured to the extreme but at the
same time willful in his independence.They say boys can be later
to do stuff and he was (like rolling over and crawling, just a
bit)but once he has it, look out.I once would have said that
gender rolls are taught but this kid has liked anything with
even ONE wheel, especially trucks, since he could pick things
up. He also has his stuffed cat, though, that he puts on his
shoulder and rests his ear on it and says ''awwwwww'' to give it
loves. The world of boys is lots of fun and it sounds like you
actually like men and that makes a world of difference.I feel
bad for the sons of women who go around complaining about men in
front of them all day.Having a daughter would have been a very
special journey for me but I was chosen to be the mother of a
son and it has been a different but equally amazing trip.I
wouldn't change a thing...David's Mommy
I understand what you are going through. I thought my first was
going to be a girl, but alas, it was a boy. The second time
around I found myself in a mini-panic attack because the
ultrasound also showed a boy. So, two boys. The good news is
that each child is so different, regardless of their gender.
Some boys are rough and tumble as are some girls, and some
girls like to play dress-up and with dolls as do some boys. It
is really based on the child's personality. I think as women
there is something about having what you know, but once that
passes, you will find your boy to be his own person, hopefully
a sweet and sensitive and loving person at that. My boys are
older now and both amazing little fellas, and I feel very
blessed to have them.
Your comment provides a good lesson to think carefully in
choosing to inquire about the sex of an unborn child, if at any
loevel you think you might not want 'bad' news. What a
wonderful surprise to wait for otherwise!
Don't be hard on your self about your disappointment with your
baby's gender - give yourself a pregnancy dispensation for
heightened emotional responses. Someday no doubt you will look
back on your reaction with amusement.
Here's my story: Twenty years ago I was pregnant with my first
child. Initially we chose not to learn the gender from our
amnio, but my husband was convinced it was a girl, and managed
to persuade me as well. Shortly thereafter I felt fetal
movement for the first time - a gentle tap-tap-tap - and
imagined the considerate little girl who waited until I knew
everything was okay with the pregnancy to announce her
presence. Several months later I had to fly cross-country for a
family medical emergency, and decided I did want the amnio
information. (I'm absurdly superstitious about plane crashes
and didn't want to die without knowing the gender of my unborn
child.) So we got the karyotype from the amnio lab, with a back-
up letter, in case we couldn't figure it out from the
chromosome map. It took a few seconds to spot the correct
chromosome pair, but when my eyes landed on the XY the first
thought that went through my head was "oh well, it's not so bad
if the plane crashes".
I was shocked and ashamed by my reaction. But I felt as though
I'd lost the daughter whose image I'd bonded with for so many
weeks. Indeed I was so embarrassed by my thoughts that I
stopped writing the pregnancy diary we'd been keeping. I did
confess my reaction to a good friend, a pediatrician, who told
me of one of his patients who had been terrified of having a
son because she'd been abused by most of the men in her life,
but who went on to have a wonderful relationship with her son.
The next day during a long drive to work I began to re-invent
my pregnancy. I looked at the empty seat next to me and
imagined an infant boy. Then I imagined a little boy in the
seat, then a bigger one, then a teenager - and finally imagined
a grown son in the driver's seat driving me! I often felt as if
I'd experienced two different pregnancies - one with the sweet
little girl who vanished, then the other with the son I
Sometimes now when my 19 year old son is driving, I look over
at him and smile at the memory of my daydream, and our progress
through all the stages I envisioned. Your sense of humor about
life's surprises will carry you through this one. (And I did
eventually get pregnant with a daughter, whose first movements
were anything but gentle - she announced her presence with a
kick so powerful I thought I was having premature contractions.
I was sure I was growing a soccer player - but I was wrong
about that too.)
mom of two
I wept bitterly after my ultrasound when we learned that the baby
I had assumed to be a girl was a boy. My partner was a bit
distressed by my reaction at the time and I felt guilty about my
feelings. It took me a few days to process the information, but I
soon found that knowing the gender of the baby made him so much
more ''real'' to me. I found it easier to imagine holding him,
playing with him, and being a mommy to him, and by the time he
arrived I was just anxious to make those dreams come true. My son
is 18 months old today and I cannot imagine my life without him.
Sure, I'd still love to have a baby girl down the road, but I
continue to be surprised at how gender isn't the issue I imagined
it would be before I became a mom.
My advice: don't worry about your feelings, just be aware of them
as they evolve. Enjoy your pregnancy!
Mom of a terrific boy
you will probably get a lot of responses like this: try not to
worry. when I was pregnant I really wanted a girl. when we
learned we were having a boy we were so disappointed (yes, my
husband too). I went into mourning that I wouldn't be able to
'continue my line' with a girl. by the time my son was born we
were both over it, though. there are many things to appreciate
about either sex, and perhaps it could be said that there are
disadvantages to both as well...I can truly say I'm often GLAD
he's NOT a girl. try to keep an open mind and you will probably
be pleasantly surprised!
boys love their mommies
I understand your disappointment. It can really be a blow when your
heart and mind
are set one gender, and that is not what you get. However, I PROMISE
this will not matter to you. The individual personality of your child
will end up
mattering so much more than the child's sex. I have one of each (girl
thought I really wanted a second girl. But I am so thrilled to have a
boy. If I had a
third, I'd want another boy.
When I was pregnant with my son, I chose not to find out his gender. I
preference for a girl, and I decided that the important work for me to
do was to let go
of this preference and accept the possibility I'd have a boy. Indeed,
by the time he was
born, I pretty much didn't care. And I even have to say that in the
seven years since his
birth, I have really come to deeply appreciate and love having a son.
So... get to work
on yourself, talk to parents of boys, hang around boy babies, get to
know that little
person kicking (or soon to be kicking) around inside of you as a boy,
and know that
there's lots of hope that you will be perfectly happy with a boy 20 more
Your description of yourself fits me exactly (and I'm not a
girlie girl either). When I found out my first child was a boy
(I'd thought I'd wanted a girl) my first thought was ''what will
I do with a boy?'' Answer: My boy is the BEST!!! he is now 7
and when I was pregnant with #2 I wanted another boy because he
is so great. guess what, I got a girl. My first thought was
(yes, go ahead and laugh), ''What do I do with a girl?'' She's
here now, and she's the BEST too!!! My advice: create the
family culture you want for your boy and screen out what you
don't like. We ourselves don't have a t.v., keep pop
culture/cartoon toys away from our boy, and feed his
imagination...he's now a highly creative imaginative funny as
heck sweet 7 year old. I know you will just love your boy.
Love my boy (and girl)
I feel for you. I was convinced our second baby was going to be
a girl, and when we saw it was another boy, I confess I was
disappointed. It's okay to feel that way. I sort of went
through a mini stages-of-grieving thing -- denial (''Maybe the
amnio was wrong!''), anger (''It's not fair! Everyone else we know
gets one of each gender!''), sadness (''I'll never get to buy
those little flowered capri pants.''). But at the end of that
process comes acceptance. You've got the rest of the pregnancy
to deal with it, and when the little guy comes, you'll love
him. I'm almost 2 years into the second kid now, and I can't
imagine life or our family without him. Don't feel guilty about
your feelings, and know that your baby will still be wonderful
and loved when he gets here. (And boys, by the way, are a lot
of fun. No flowered capri pants, but they have a wonderful
energy, they love their moms, and they still like to do tea
parties and a lot of other traditional ''girl'' stuff, at least
when they're little.)
I've been hearing 'rumors' about being able to choose the sex of your
child. Something to do with the male sperm swimming faster and dying
sooner and the female sperm swimming slower and timing it all with the
woman's ovulation. Has anyone tried this 'method' of choosing the sex
and succeeded? I feel a little silly asking this question, but on the other
hand, if it works, then why not give it a chance.
All of my friends were convinced that I was having a boy...based on
when we conceived, how I was carrying the child, and every other
possible old wives tale. Well it wasn't true but we are thrilled by the birth
of our third beautiful girl!
Lucky in Berkeley
We did buy the book Choosing the Sex of Your Child and did
try it. By the time our ''girl'' was conceived the only part of the
equation that was done according to the book was the time
of conception which was prior to my ovulating. So it's hard to
say if that was the reason, but we were hoping for a girl
since we already had a boy and we got one. Good Luck!
I'm so glad you asked your question b/c I too want to choose
the sex of my 3rd child. Here is what my obgyn's office(East
Bay Obgyn - Dr. Chinn) told me... for a paltry fee of $250-300
they can spin my husbands sperm which ups my chances of having
a girl into the 75% range. If I want a higher likelyhood of
having a girl they told me options are to see a specialist in
Los Angeles who can micro-sort sperm for a outrageous $18,000
and a 99% chance.
I would love to hear if anyone on this list serve have spun
sperm and what the results were.
A want to be sperm spinner
My husband and I go to the UCSF Fertility Clinic. We asked them
the same question. They don't currently offer sex preference but
might sometime. They told us that doing this would lower the
fertility rate a bit ( I guess because they are filtering out 1/2
of the sperm).
i understand that you would love to be able to choose the sex
of your child, though lots of people don't! we got lucky that
our first child was the girl we both wanted. now, i'm ok with
wathever comes next, though i'd rather have another girl. my
accupuncturist swears that he can 'give you'what you want. he
says he's been doing it for years and always (!) gets the
desired result. it's hard to believe, but he's well know for
infertility problems and specialists from Stanford reffer
people to him all the time. there are dozen of thank you cards
with baby photos on his office wall which tells me that people
are happy with his services. i only go to him for back
problems, but when i first told him i was pregnang with a girl
he said ''next time if you want a boy, just ask me!'' he was also
able to determine the sex of the baby before the ultrasounds
just! by taking my pulse.... . his name is Dr. Chen and he
practices in Oakland and in SF. his number is 510.655.2299. if
you and your husband aren't affraid of a few needles it might
be worth a try...! good luck.
I have a wonderful, sweet baby boy who is almost 1. My husband and I
want a second child but we both are really, really hoping it'll be a girl. I
want a daughter, I want to raise a boy and a girl. With the first we hoped
we'd have a girl, but it was fine that we had a boy--he's wonderful and
we knew we'd have another. Now that we're planning for #2, I'm getting
so scared that if it's another boy I'll be really disappointed and won't
really love him as much. Yeah, it'll be cool to have two brothers--for
them. But I want a daughter! 3 kids isn't an option so this is the last
chance. Has anyone else been in this situation? Anyone else have a
boy, hoped #2 would be a girl, and then have a boy? How did you feel?
I'm also debating whether I should find out the gender before birth (to
prepare myself) or if I don't find out, will I be just so excited that he's
born/hopefully healthy that it won't matter? I know we're supposed to
only want a ''healthy kid'' and be grateful for that, but I can't help it! I
already feel guilty at times about wishing my son had been a girl...I don't
want more guilt. And the last thing--did anyone try any of the tricks for
conceiving a girl--and did they work?
so much guilt
I really wanted a girl and have 2 wonerful boys. We tried the tricks...and
obviously it didn't work for us. I decided to find out the sex in advance so
that I would be fully prepared and would have had time to work out my
disappointment. My boys are great friends. They play lego and
playmobile and pretend games for hours on end together. I buy the cute
dresses for my niece and my friends daughters. You'll be fine once the
child you give birth to is there.
I understand you. ''How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby'' by Landrum Shettles and
David Rorvik worked for us twice (and for others I know three times). At least we
think it did. Whether it was the method or luck, we got the desired result. Good
Pleased with two
I could have written your post about desiring a certain gender,
but on the flip side...I have a boy and I really wanted another
boy! When my son turned one in March, we decided to try again
and my hope was to have a brother for him. Well, I'm pregnant
again and at the 20 week ultrasound we found out it was a
girl...it was really devastating to me, although my husband was
thrilled. I had always imagined myself the mother of two, maybe
even three boys!
It was great for me to find out the sex of the baby, because I
am just now finally getting excited about having a girl, and
she deserves that!
We may try for another child in the future...and honestly would
probably try the Shettles Method. But, I am just truly
grateful that we were able to conceive without a problem and
that our son and future daughter are healthy, so I am counting
my blessings, but understand the guilt for wanting a specific
Good luck and hope you have a healthy pregnancy!
Of course it's ok to have a preference for a child of a
particular sex, though not everyone will empathize with you. If
you really feel strongly that you want your second child to be a
girl, you should consider MicroSort, which is the only procedure
that works for gender selection (you can try Shettles, etc., but
none of them have been actually proven to work, and most of them
are nearly impossible to follow to the letter). It costs about
$3-4K per attempt (which involves sorting a sperm sample from
your husband and then using IUI to stick the sperm into your
uterus). The catch is that, even if you are very fertile, it
might take a number of attempts to get pregnant. If you do get
pregnant from MicroSort, you have about a 90% chance of having a
girl (so you still need to be prepared for the possibility of
Got my girl by pure luck
I wanted a girl and had sperm sorted at the Microsort Division
at the Fairfax cryobank. My daughter is 5, and I couldn't be
more thrilled. She is my third. I too wanted a girl for my
second and got another boy. I love science, and think it is a
great tool in family planning. I would recommmend it to anyone
who really needs or wants a particular sex. However, you will
encounter those who characterize the desire for a daughter as
trivial. Good luck.
happy mother of two boys and a girl
I could have written your message myself. When I was pregnant
with my first, we decided not to find out the sex. I didn't
need to know because I already knew it would be a girl. I was
confident in this belief, up until the moment when my husband
looked me in the eye on the delivery table and said, ''It's a
boy.'' I fell so deeply in love with my first that I often told
people that his sex had become as irrelevant to me as the color
of his hair. I couldn't have done anything to change him that
would have made me love him more. And of course, I knew the
next one would be a girl.
I followed the advice of a friend of mine who had already had a
girl about how to get pregnant with a girl. I won't even bother
repeating it for you because it didn't work for me. Here is the
part where my advice begins: I strongly suggest you find out
the sex of the baby in advance. I was very disappointed (for
the same reasons you state) when I found out I was not having a
girl. I needed time to process the information before the
birth. At the moment of his birth, I was filled with joy and
relief that he was healthy - not disappointment that he was not
Every once in a while, I'll see a girl in a cute outfit or
something and I will feel a little pang, but other than that, I
am over it. I'm not sure why you personally want a girl, but
keep in mind that there are no guarantees. I thought a girl
would be my friend forever, but you just never know. In the
end, personality is everything.
I hope that if you do end up with two boys, you will come to
view it as a positive thing. Best of luck to you.
Always Assumed I'd Have Girls
I could have written your message. My second child DID turn out
to be another boy. In many ways I was very happy to have a
healthy, cute baby boy, but I knew that by having two boys I
would still always want a girl. Now I am faced with deciding
whether we can afford(It's the Bay Area!) to have a 3rd child so
I can have a chance at having a girl.
If we do decide to have another baby, I will NOT leave it up to
chance. I am running to my OB-Gyns, Dr. Rudd and Dr. Chinn (East
Bay Ob-gyn) and having my husband's sperm spun for a mere
$250.00 to increase my chances of having a girl. Doesn't sound
very romantic, but I know that I would have to check myself into
an asylum if I had a 3rd boy. The pang of wanting a girl has
been too great all these years...
Not another boy!
We have two wonderful boys and we're considering a third child.
I would be happy with a boy or a girl third time around - but I
have heard anecdotally that ''statistically'' we'd most likely get
a third boy. Is this true? Does anyone know the statistical
probability (or any somewhat official information) of having the
same gender three times over? Just curious while we're in the
discussion phase. Thank you.
My friend's doctor told her that after having two boys, the odds
were 70% that she would have another boy. Don't know if it is
true or just hear-say.
The odds of having a third boy are exactly what the odds were for
having a boy the first time around -- which is pretty much 50/50 (it's not
exactly 50/50, I believe a boy is slightly more likely, but the difference is
Many people get confused between the probability of having 3 boys
(which happens in about 12.5% of families), and the probability of
having your third child be a boy (which is 50%, regardless of what your
other two kids are). These are different kinds of probabilities, calculated
differently. Technically, the first is an unconditional probability, the
second is a conditional probability.
Last June, we were very surprised to have the nurse say ''it's a
boy'' when our third child was born. Our two girls were 4 and
nearly 7 when Bobby was born. My oldest really wanted another
girl (she was concerned that we didn't have any boy clothes) and
when her dad told her that the baby was a boy, she replied,
''Rats!'' Actually, as soon as she and her little sister saw the
baby, it was love at first sight and nothing has changed 9 mos
Kids will adapt to what ever gender pattern they are thrown into.
All boys, all girls and mixed up will all fight, play together
and hopefully grow a bond that takes them into adulthood and
binds them together when we parents are gone.
We've adjusted fine, but frankly, we really didn't have concerns
about the gender mix. It was more about ''do we want two or three
kids?'' for us.
Hope this helps with your decision. Three keep you busy but they
Mom of two girls and a boy
Statistically, it's more likely that you will get pregnant with a
boy, not because it's your third child, but because a slightly
larger number of children conceived are boys. Leaving this
aside, before you ever got pregnant you had close to a 1 in 8
chance that you would have 3 boys if you had 3 children. After
having 2 boys, your chances now are close to 1 in 2 chances.
Statistically, you have a 50% chance of getting a boy OR a girl
every time. It's as simple as which sperm (the X--makes a girl
baby; or the Y-makes a boy) fertilizes the egg.
When we gave birth to our second child the L & D nurse at Alta-
Bates told me that if you already have two children of the same
gender, there is an 80% chance your third will be the same
gender. I realize that this defies logic (50/50 chance) but
since then several other nurses & parents have ''confirmed'' it!
Good luck with your decision. We're expecting our third this
We had two daughters and when I became pregnant with my third
child in 2000, I assumed we would probably have another girl,
especially since my husband has another daughter from a previous
marriage. However, when I got the results of my amnio, we
discovered we were having a boy. I was very surprised and asked
the genetics counselor about the issue of gender odds. She told
me that there is no medical (or statistical) evidence supporting
my assumption that we would have another girl.
We know many three children families and there are just as many
one sex sets of children as combinations.
mom of 3
The answer to your question depends on whether or not the odds
of conceiving a child of one sex or the other are completely
random, or if there are biological factors which may predispose
some couples to be more likely to produce a boy, and make others
more likely to produce a girl. I just did a very quick Web
search, and apparently there are medical researchers in both
camps on the question of whether it's random or not.
If it's completely random, then the odds that your third child
will be a boy are indeed 50%.
However, if it's not completely random, then the fact that
you've already produced two boys may indicate that there are
biological factors which are predisposing you and your husband
to produce boys. If that's the case, then the odds that your
third child is also a boy will be significantly higher than 50%
Anyway, since medical researchers seem to disagree on this,
probably the safest thing to say is that the odds that this baby
will be a boy are likely to be at least 50% -- could be higher,
unlikely to be lower.
BTW, my parents had four girls in row before finally producing a
boy. My father was so shocked he said he wasn't going to
believe it till he saw the baby with his diaper off (this was
before the days of ultrasounds and amnios)
-- big sister to three girls and a boy
In reading the other postings to your question, I would like to
add a slightly different perspective for the ''non-50:50'' crowd.
I was reading a debate recently over whether one can use timing
of intercourse with respect to ovulation to help select the
gender of a baby. You've probably read about the more
traditional ''X-chromosome sperm live longer, Y-chromosome sperm
swim faster.'' A fertility specialist (sorry, I can't remember
who) claims that the traditional idea about early intercourse
increases the probability of a girl and intercourse right at
ovulation increases the probability of a boy is not correct;
from his work, he believes this timing is actually backwards.
In either case, however, he goes into details about how the
woman's cervix is positioned and what position intercourse is
performed in, what the woman's particular biochemistry is (i.e.,
how acidic or basic her cervical fluid is) and how long sperm
can survive in it can have an effect on the determining the
gender of the baby conceived. There are also likely some
differences in men's sperm and survivability, too. Thus, it
sounds like there might be some room for when couples like to
have sex with relation to ovulation, what position they have it
in, and how long sperm tends to survive in vivo to send the odds
of having a boy or a girl in one direction or another beyond a
simple 50:50 ratio for a particular couple. These preferences
and chemistries could be entirely unconscious, and could result
in a couple being more likely to have a baby of a particular
gender. Apparently, a number of health care workers agree,
based on the other postings about a 70 to 80% chance of having a
baby of the same gender of two older siblings. However, based
on one other posting, it does sound like there is not unanimous
agreement on the potential to slant the odds away from a simple
50:50 among doctors and nurses.
I have one boy and just found out I am pregnant with another
boy. My husband and I feel strongly that we don't want to have
more than two children. While I love my little boy more than I
could have imagined, I find myself feeling disappointed that I
will never have a daughter. It seems to me that the
mother/daughter relationship is unique, and I'm sad I'll miss
out on that. I'm interested in hearing from other moms who
wanted girls but ended up with all boys. Did your
disappointment over their gender affect your ability to bond
with them? Did you get over it? Does anyone have boys who are
grown, but still close to mom?
I was sure that my 2nd child was a girl....but, the results of
the amnio said we're having another boy. I was a little
disappointed becasue my mind had been set on a girl. I have a
niece who lives far away and the few times I'd get to be with
her were so much fun....buying clothes, doing girl stuff.
I loved my boy baby though from the moment I knew he was a boy,
all through the rest of my pregnancy and to this day (he's 7
Boys are great (not that girls aren't), but I know how to do
boys...I'd already had 4 1/2 years of boy experience.
I think that loving your baby boy will not be an issue for you
and I'd be willing to bet that you will quickly get over your
disappointment of not having a girl.
And when they get to be pre-teens you'll count your blessings. I
think (from my experience) that in general, boys are a lot
easier going through pre-teens and teen years than girls.
So don't throw away the trains and dinosaurs...enjoy!
mom of 2 boys
Truth be told, I cried at the sonogram when they said I was having
a second boy. I had often thought I wouldn't mind having 2 girls,
or one of each, but not 2 boys! For ecological/overpopulation
reasons we intend to stop at two, and it has been hard to resign
myself to never having that special relationship. Hard, too, for
my mother, who was itching for a granddaughter (this was grandson
#5, and no more anticipated). Another thing I regret is that I
grew up in a family of 4 (2 of each sex), and I think it is easier
to have healthy dating relationships in the teen years when you
had a sibling of the opposite sex, and there isn't so much mystery
about the other sex. But: barring my occasional fantasies about
adopting or otherwise getting a girl in my family, I am resigned
to it, and I adore my second son. There was no difficulty bonding
with him, and I am learning to appreciate the advantages of a two-
boy household (so much easier to hand down toys and clothes, so
much potential for sibling play and closeness later). Like
anything in life, you adjust your feelings to fit your
circumstances. For example, I read the recent ''Barbie Thang'' posts
on this newsletter with a sense of satisfaction that I will never
have to field that one. And I walk through the pink taffeta/fairy
wand/princess section of Toys R Us, not with longing, but with a
shudder of relief at (presumably) never having to spend any time
there. I wish you well. Enjoy your boy.
Just me and the three men of the house
I totally feel for you because I experienced similar feelings
when I found out I was expecting a second boy. My husband and I
both wanted a girl the first time around.
I vividly remember crying in the car in the parking lot outside
the Alta Bates perinatal center after learning that I was
expecting a second boy. My husband and I also were in agreement
that we wanted only two children. We ended up naming our son
Jesse, partly because this name could be both for a boy or a
girl. We let his hair grow long and curly... The irony is that
Jesse is such a boy's boy, into backhoes, motorcycles, bikes,
baseball, etc. I've come to believe that boys are indeed
different. I had a great sense of loss and grief to overcome,
but I certainly ended up loving my son as much as I would have
a girl. PS: we had an unplanned pregnancy and did have a girl
three years after my second son ... who knows?
I also have 2 boys, the youngest of whom is 4 yrs old. I still carry
some sorrow that I do not have a girl, but it is lessened now that I
am out of the hormonal madness of pregnancy and breastfeeding. I love
my 2 boys, no problem with bonding. My brother is very close to my
mother, more so that I am. I grieve that I will not have a girl, but I
am getting used to the idea. It is not part of the path of life that
was meant for me. I figure I can only nurture my boys, so that they
can fully express their feminine and masculine sides. So I have no
wisdom except that with time, it is easier to accept.
I experienced this same situation about 5 years ago. I was very
disappointed to find I was having a second boy. I was glad I found out
while I was still pregnant, so that I had time to come to terms with
the situation and greet his birth with joy instead of
disappointment. While I still experience a milder version of my
original reaction in response to certain situations (mother-daughter
events, seeing a girl in a particularly charming dress, thinking about
someday maybe being a grandmother, a particularly good day with my own
mother, etc.), I have found that several things have helped. One is
getting to love and appreciate my younger son. (I talked to lots of
friends to prepare for his birth, especially those of my parents'
generation who were parents of only boys, to get the long-term view.)
The second is refusing to buy into gender stereotypes -- for example,
my fear that a boy will just never be as close and supportive to a
mother as a girl would be. I do know adult sons who are very close to
their mothers, and I intend to do my best to be one of those
mothers. The third has been appreciating the advantages -- they can
share a room; they share many of the same interests (especially those
that seem to gender-associated) and therefore love to play together; I
don't have to buy girls' clothes as well as boys'. And lastly, I try
to take time to enjoy the other little girls (nieces, friends'
daughters) who are in my life.
mom of 2 boys
After boy number one, I was positive number two was going to be a
girl, and was very surprised to see that penis on my new baby. I
wouldn't let myself be disappointed, though I did think longingly
about the girl I'd hoped for. But the two boys were so different in
temperment, I hardly noticed they were the same gender and I soon
forgot all about wanting a girl. Later we decided to adopt a third,
and entered an adoption plan with a birth mother who was certain she
was having a girl. I was delighted. Finally, my girl. guess what? a
penis turned up on the ultrasound. Another boy! So now I am the mom
of three boys, me who spent my entire childhood sewing clothes for
Barbie and running the neighborhood doll hospital. But it turned out
to be fun, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've learned a lot
of things I never knew anything about or even cared much for - all the
names of the teenage mutant ninja turtles, what the difference is
between a backhoe and a bulldozer, how to make a superman cape, how to
pitch a baseball, how to play nintendo, how to keep score in a
lacrosse game ... But the best really has been as they have gotten
older. My oldest son, now 20, confides in me in a way that I never
did with my mother. Not about everything of course, but I feel very
close to him and I am not sure I would feel as close to a daughter who
I might feel a little competitive with. My middle son at 17 has
started to become very interested in the things I'm deeply interested
in - music and food and movies - and it is so pleasurable to go out to
eat with him or have a discussion about a movie. Both older boys have
interesting, funny friends and they are also a joy to have around the
house. The youngest boy is only a tot, but his exuberance and play
with the big boys is a constant delight. Now I think, am I sorry I
never had the chance to sew barbie clothes with a little girl?
Truthfully I don't remember ever thinking about it at all, and now
that do I think about it, I think, well, that would be nice, to have a
girl, but I can't really imagine life without ALL of my boys, and as
nice as it seems to have a girl, I don't really know what that is like,
so I am sure it is much better to have boys!
I had similar feelings to what you described when having my
second boy. For me, it turned out to be just not an issue at all
in terms of bonding, happiness, or anything else. Now my younger
one is 1-1/2, and my two little boys are the cutest most
wonderful little beings I could imagine. Feelings I had about
wanting that mother-daughter bond don't matter any more. My
husband very much wanted a daughter, too, and it did take him
much longer to bond with the second child than with the first,
maybe partly because of disappointment over the second not being
a girl. But now my husband and the second boy are very close
also. I think my ideas about what I wanted just melted away when
I actually saw my beautiful baby.
Thanks to everyone for the great stories about having boys! I, too, was
absolutely positive I would have a girl, and all my friends
thought/presumed the same. Having a girl just seemed self-evident to everyone
involved. When I saw that little penis on my boy at
birth, it was a quite a shock. There was some sadness about not having the
girl I thought I wanted, but the demands of being a new
mother quickly overcame any sadness. In a discussion much later, someone said
to me that, ''women who have boys are the only ones
who can handle it.'' Now I relish the thought of helping to bring another
feminist man into the world!
I also was disappointed to find out at my ultrasound that my 2nd
(and last) child was going to be a boy. But, knowing while still
pregnant gave me time to wrap my mind around ''that's the way its
going to be'' and now I can't imagine and wouldn't want anything
different than my 2 boys (now 12 and 7). Their personalities are
SO different but so delightful. With both I get into deep
conversations and to my delight both boys are avid readers and
I've been able to share my love for fantasy and adventure with my
older child who STILL gives me hugs and kisses - even in PUBLIC.
The younger is incredibly perceptive in a way that I wouldn't
have associated with a boy until I had him. And then there ARE
the pluses about just boys - It's great not having to deal with
the ''hair'' thang every morning, the rather cruel girl ''posse''
thang that I see at certain ages, AND I get to be the queen bee
in the house (yes, Mom's going shopping/girl's day out while Dad
stays home with ''the boys''). When I need a ''girl'' fix, I have
the 15 year old daughter of a good friend of mine to hang out
with for awhile - and boy am I glad to give her back!! I get to
LAUGH at her - her Mom finds it hard to find it funny just now.
All this being said, it probably helps that I'm a gal that likes
football, fantasy and adventure, and can deal with body function
jokes and yes, contests...(and have learned to give as good as I
I experienced this same situation about 5 years ago. I was very
disappointed to find I was having a second boy. I
was glad I found out while I was still pregnant, so that I had
time to come to terms with the situation and greet his birth with
joy instead of disappointment. While I
still experience a milder version of my original reaction in
response to certain situations (mother-daughter events, seeing a
girl in a particularly charming dress, thinking
about someday maybe being a grandmother, a particularly good day
with my own mother, etc.), I have found that several things have
helped. One is getting to love
and appreciate my younger son. (I talked to lots of friends to
prepare for his birth, especially those of my parents' generation
who were parents of only boys, to get
the long-term view.) The second is refusing to buy into gender
stereotypes -- for example, my fear that a boy will just never be
as close and supportive to a mother
as a girl would be. I do know adult sons who are very close to
their mothers, and I intend to do my best to be one of those
mothers. The third has been appreciating
the advantages -- they can share a room; they share many of the
same interests (especially those that seem to gender-associated)
and therefore love to play together;
I don't have to buy girls' clothes as well as boys'. And lastly,
I try to take time to enjoy the other little girls (nieces,
friends' daughters) who are in my life.
mom of 2 boys
We have two boys and would love to have another child.
We have a preference for a girl (but a boy would be
fine too) and are wondering if anyone is informed
about research, statistics etc. that might favor one
gender over another in a natural way. We have seen all
sorts of plans that have to do with timing of
conception etc. and, of course, there are also lots of
"stories." What are the statistics on the gender of
the thirs child if the first two are of the same
gender? Are the "odds" still fifty-fifty? Any input
would be apreciated.
Original question: "We have two boys and would love to have another
child.... What are the statistics on the gender of the third child if
the first two are of the same gender? "
Responses were split between those who say it's 50-50, and those
who say biology matters. Read on ...
When receiving the amnio results on my third child, I was astonished to
learn we were having a boy -- I think I had just assumed that, after 2
girls, we would be having a third girl! We had no preference for one sex
over another. Just as a matter of curiousity, I asked the genetics
counselor whether one is more likely to have a girl if you have had two
or more already. Her response was "it's a roll of the dice each time."
I might add that #3 was a surprise at age 42, so I have no information
to pass on regarding timing and conception.
Statistically speaking, it's as you say: it's fifty-fifty. It's
an awful lot like flipping a coin -- if you flip a coin twice, the third
throw doesn't "know" about the first two; it's an independent event. I
too would be curious to know if there are any actual significant
differences between kids & coins in this regard, due to the complexities
of biology. (For example, I believe I read somewhere that human births
are ever-so-slightly more likely to be female.)
Curiously, with four coin flips [or kids], it's more likely to
have three of one and one of the other, rather than two and two -- that
is, the odds of 3 boys & 1 girl -OR- 3 girls and 1 boy, together, are
greater than the odds of 2 boys and 2 girls. Still, this has no bearing
on any one event.
The odds are still 50-50, no matter what the sex ratio of the preceding
The odds of any given flip of the coin never change. They are always
50-50. The same is true for kids. You can do the various things that
you can always do (sex at a particular time in your cycle, douche with
vinegar, whatever other "folk" methods you like...), but they are no
more or less likely to affect the outcome than on try number 1 or
2. Statistical analysis does not apply to individual events,
unfortunately, so already having two boys won't affect your chances of
having a girl the next time. That said, the odds are actually not
quite 50-50. I don't recall the exact figure, but there's a slight
tip in favor of boy births. Apparently, the mortality rate for boys
is higher than for girls. At some point in childhood or early
adolescence it evens out, and then by old age of course, there are
more women still alive than men. Just one of those weird things.
The odds of having a girl or boy are always even
(1:1), just like flipping a coin.
The odds of having three girls in a row are 1:8, or a
probability of 0.125 (12.5%). The odds of four girls
in a row are 1:16, or a probability of 0.063 (6.3%)
In response to #3 being another boy....The odds don't
change; they remain 50/50 for every child. The only
way to change those odds are to do artificial
insemination after having your partner's sperm
separated in a lab (which is not a guarantee, but
helps). But, since you say having a boy would be OK
too, then you are safe to try again and not be
Based purely on statistics, it's definitely 50/50. Your previous draws in
the lottery are irrelevant.
From a biological standpoint, it seems to me like - if anything - it would
be worse. If for some reason, your partner's physiology favors the male
gender (it's the male contribution that determines gender), you would be
more likely to draw that again (though I've never really heard of anything
If you have two of the same gender in a row within three years, your
odds of getting the same gender again go up to 85%. If you repeat the
phenomena, it goes up to 87%. The reason relates to biochemistry.
You see... the thing is that boy sperm are faster but they are highly
sensitive to changes in their environment. In other words, they can't
handle an environment that is too hot or cold, Ph too high or too
low. Girls on the other hand, chug along regardless of the
conditions... but they move slower. If you produce all of one gender,
there is a high likelyhood that the combination of your partner's
sperm chemistry and your own personal bodily conditions produce either
favorable conditions for boys (perfect everything to make them go
zoom!) or girls (ugly chemistry that kills off the boys but lets the
girls win the slow but steady race)
I was told that if a couple has two children of the same gender, there's
actually an 80% chance that the third would be the same also. This is
due to the chemical/biological dynamics of the parents. I don't have
any statistics to back that claim up, though. I have two boys and had a
girl the third time. I was fully prepared to be the mother of "My Three
Sons" so I was actually quite surprised to "beat the odds", so to
speak. While you prefer to have a daughter, it is best to enter a third
pregnancy with the intention of having a healthy baby, which you are
One thing to be prepared to deal with is the bombardment of questions
and comments on whether you and your spouse were trying for a girl. And
if it's a boy, if you are disappointed or if a girl, if you hit the
jackpot. I was offended by these rudely personal comments that were
coming from friends, family and strangers. I never felt like I hit the
jackpot with my little girl. I felt I hit the jackpot three times with
three fine children. Best wishes.
I want to get some advice from people who have two (or more) boys. I
have one and have just found out that my second will also be a boy. I'm
embarrased to admit it, but I find myself feeling an overwhelming sense
of sadness about it. My childhood fantasy of having a little girl will
never happen. (I don't want more than two children, so people saying I
could always have another doesn't help.) My questions are: did anyone
have similar feelings, and, if so, how did you deal with it?; is raising
two boys (2 1/2 years apart) as scary as it seems?; do you still feel a
sense of loss as they grow up, feeling like you missed out on a unique
relationship you will never have? Thanks so much for your response.
Regarding raising boys: If your image of child raising was
centered around a daughter, it will certainly feel disappointing at first
to know you won't fulfill that image. But please, please allow yourself
to enjoy your two boys. Share your interests, joys, and thoughts with
them from an early age, and you will find that as they grow up you will
have young men with whom you have much to share. As for the things you
looked forward to with a girl that your boys might not want to do, take
time to enjoy and build a special relationship with a niece or friend's
daughter. She probably won't spend all her time at age 12 criticizing your
looks and social behavior! Really, a healthy child is a blessing, so don't
let your sadness over not having a daughter keep you from enjoying your
This is in response to advice wanted: raising boys. I am the mother of
two boys (now 21 and 17) who experienced the same feelings of loss when
I found that my much wanted girl was not to be. I even wore maternity tops
with girl names on!. I shared my feelings with my sister and friends
and I became the unofficial mom of my nieces and every girlfriend's
daughters. I still tend to adopt my friend's girls (with their approval
of course). However, I do want to tell you that those feelings will
pass and that you'll learn to treasure their malehood. My boys were 3 1/2
years apart. My husband and I separated when my youngest was barely a
year old. I will always treasure seeing my 6 year-old "teaching" his
little brother how to eat spaguetti the "fun" way, taught him how to
ride a tricycle, helped him with his swimming lessons and baseball and showed
him how to spell. He told kids at the little league park not to be mean
to his little brother. He read to him and to this day, when he calls
home, one of the first things he asks, is how is the squirt doing, Mom?
I couldn't imagine my life without those two wonderful, often
rambunctious but always loving boys. I cherish the thought that I had a
hand in training two terrific men, that hopefully will have a lot to
offer to their loved ones. I wish the same great experience to you.
my first child was a boy,
and i just knew my second would be a girl.
i was told of the possibility of my second child being a boy
just a week or so before he was born
(by the heartbeat).
i was disappointed for we planned on stopping at two children,
and i wanted one of each.
i remember looking at my second son
in the hospital, wondering if i could ever love him
as much as my first son.
that was the last time that thought ever came to me.
my boys are 16 months apart.
they are now 18 and 20 years old.
i can't imagine why i wanted a girl --
the two boys have been so much fun!
maybe i just don't know what i'm missing,
but i can't imagine it getting any better!
I too always had childhood fantasies about having a girl. With both of
my pregnancies I was convinced I was having girls until the ultra-sound
told otherwise. Both times I cried and was depressed for weeks. When I
had my children, of course I loved them deeply, but I still sometimes
think about what it would be like to have a girl.
My boys are 21 months apart, ages 4 & 6. They are both very energetic.
They play well together (for the most part) and are very close. And I feel
very grateful to have them. sometimes it is difficult dealing with all that
male energy--especially as a single mom. The one thing I often notice in
their dynamic is that the younger one is often overshadowed by the older
one, as the eldest is, of course, more capable at doing things like
Lego's etc. So I have to work hard to engage the younger one in
activities that help nurture his self-confidence.
I don't know if the desire for a daughter will ever go away. I still
think that if I'm in the right situation at some point I may try a third
time (but isn't that how so many families end up w/ 3 boys?). But I do
know that my children and I have a very strong bond, and I have the
sense that they will always be there for me, as I for them.
To respond to your request about boys I just wanted to say that I had
simular feelings when I had my first boy I really wanted a girl and was
really disappointed that I didn't have one for a while. But my sister
was not able to take care of the twins she was pregnant with so we
subsequently adopted twin boys and have since felt that I will won't have any
more. BUT I wanted to let you know that boys while hard a first, turn out
to be the most wonderful, sweet beings in the world! I can't tell you enough
how I have changed my tune. I am so glad I have three of them. As they get
older (teenager) it is a little scary in the sense that they grow up so fast
and it's hard to feel like you're in control of what is going on with their
lives. . .social and educationally but still a joy to watch and be
around. My boys are care takers of me and others around them. Not to say that
it is easy, but since reading some books and RELAXING I have really learned to
enjoy thier world and the way they express love and happiness. I also
have to say that having a level-headed partner really helps as I am very
emotional and will often over-react and he helps to calm everyone down
and bring everything back to perspective
I would recommend getting age appropriate books to help you understand
what they are going through.
Good luck and enjoy them!
Call if you like --
I felt just what you described when I learned my second child was going
to be a boy. I was thrilled that he was alive and well (after two
miscarriages), but sad that I would never have a daughter. Like you, I
did not consider a third child an option, so this was it. It took a few
weeks to get over the mourning for what I had lost, and I was glad that I
learned his gender before he was born so I could work all that out before he
came. By the time he arrived, I was utterly unambivalent and thrilled that we
had him. The testosterone levels in my house are wild sometimes, with boys
8 and 4, and I often am at a loss to understand how boys relate to the
world. I occasionally get pangs when I walk by the adorable girl clothes in
the store, and lavish all kinds of cute things I never thought I'd buy on my
niece. But I wouldn't trade my boys for anyone, and never wistfully
wish for some unknown little girl.
I also have two boys, who were born two years apart. I had hoped that
my second child would be a girl, and when I found out at the ultrasound
that it would be a boy, I was sad, and remained sad about it for several days.
After a few days, though, I started thinking about the advantages of
having two children of the same sex--the practical advantages, such as lots of
hand-me-downs, and also the emotional advantages to them of having a
brother close in age. By the time my second son was born, I was enthusiastic
about the idea of having two boys, and I'm even more enthusiastic now.
They're three and five years old now and, when they're not fighting over toys,
they're the best of friends. They have a lot of interests in common and
enjoy each others' company tremendously, and I get huge joy from
watching their relationship as brothers develop. So while I think your
feelings of sadness are natural, my experience is that a family of boys can
be very fulfilling.
I have 2 boys who only have boy cousins on both sides (and my husband
only has boys in his family).
In my dreams, I would have enjoyed raising a girl and a boy (but of
course would not trade either of my sons for any other child at this
time.) I have also imagined that it would be nice for my sons to have a
sister so that girls/women would not be such a mystery in adolescence
However, from my sons' perspectives, having a brother is the greatest
gift I could have given them - to be able to share and learn together
as brothers is a wonder to behold. Even though they have very different
interests, I believe their friendship will continue to grow through
life. I would encourage you to focus on your child's point of view (I'm
sure you've heard this one before, so I won't belabor the point!)
In an attempt to lower the "testosterone levels" at home and to broaden
their perspectives, I have made an effort to foster my sons' friendships
with some girl playmates (its also a way for me to get a girl-fix). And
it's been a revelation to me to see how much less challenging my sons
are to raise for their mothers than their fiery-willed girl pals!
One last comment: my sister is now expecting her third son - she and her
husband are greatly disappointed to have yet another boy in the family.
I certainly understand her disappointment, but sadly she has let her
desire for a girl be known in her family so that her two older sons are
keenly aware how much mommy and daddy wanted a girl. She forgot how
easily kids pick up on everything (sometimes blowing it up even bigger
in their heads), so now she's having to make a major effort to assure her
sons that it isn't their fault that they aren't girls!
Admittedly, I don't have sons, but I understand VERY well your desire
for a daughter, and I hope you're working your way through your pain and
regret without lapsing into guilt over it.
Every one of my child-bearing friends, with a single exception, has
admitted to wanting a girl. It doesn't mean that we're bad people or
hate men or don't love all our children. I like to think it does mean that
we're proud of being women and eager to bring a daughter into a family
that will treasure her.
Perhaps there's a support group out there to talk to. If not, it might
be worth while to organize your own. (The Express and Parents' Press run
all sorts of support group ads in their classifieds pages.)
Best of luck to you.
Just wanted to add my 2 cents on this since I have three boys. I too,
felt guilty about those kinds of feelings, I had them after my third boy. I
wanted to have a girl so much we even considered adoption, but my
husband couldn't get past his issues about it. I've come to accept that since
it wasn't meant to be I am looking forward to my sons getting married and
perhaps having a granddaughter to shower with gifts and affection (or
My second son was born 6 months ago. I love my two boys, but I still
feel a certain amount of grief for the girl that I will never have.
When a friend finds out she is pregnant with a girl, I feel some
jealousy. I feel that I need to explore this feeling of loss and
sadness and accept that I have it and hopefully with time, I will be
able to let it go.
I am the mother of three boys ages 10, 7, and 2. I have watched myself
undergo incredible growth and transformation over the past decade as I
first learned to love and accept a child not of my gender, and then
when my second son arrived, accepting that I might not have a child of
my own gender, and enjoying having arrived at resolution when I
anticipated my third son with eagerness. Of course all parents "love"
their children, but I found that I needed to cast off some of my
narrow and more controlling female traits to come to also love my
children's "boyness." There were times when it felt very hard to
broaden my views and values and I still catch myself sometimes.
There are a collection of recent books about raising boys that I have
found very enlightening to read. My favorite is "Real Boys" by William
Pollard. The author describes several prevalent myths (in our country)
about boys, one being that boys are viewed as "toxic." He talks about
both the unfoundedness of the myth but also of how boys suffer from
their teachers, parents, relatives, parents of friends, and the public
in general acting on the assumption that there is categorically
something hard, bad and/or uncivilized about boys. I was interested to
read the comment that contrasted with some curiosity the exalting of
girls in this conversation to the valuing of boys in some other
cultures. It made me wonder if this conversation had been about girls
whether it would have evoked a very different response (in our current
social and cultural context).
I am not exaggerating when I say that a week has not gone by (since I
have had 3 sons) where I have not received at least one comment (and
sometimes multiple), often delivered with a tone of sympathy or even
an edge of horror about having "three boys!!!" This is often followed
by a comment about whether I am going to keep trying for a girl (as if
I had been or as if we are deficient without). Strangers on the street
say it to me; people I've just met say it; some of my long term
friends and colleagues say it repeatedly. My current personal
challenge, is not one of accepting and loving my boys and their
behaviors that are different from my female behaviors, but of
gracefully receiving the continual barrage of incredulous comments
about my cherished family. I try my hardest to respond positively to
this tiresome (undoubtedly well-meaning) comment, but find myself
irritated when people judge my situation and children in this
way--usually in front of them! One day my 10 year old asked me whether
there was something wrong with boys.
Ten years ago I might also have made a comment like that, with the
very best of intentions. I believe it is challenging to know and
accept and value the traits of the "other gender." As mothers, we
understand girlness in a way we don't understand boyness. As the
mother of three boys, I feel that I have been given the opportunity to
become a more open and accepting person than I would have if I had not
had to confront my own assumptions and limits.
Finally, plenty of people have said it, but I must add that my three
boys are incredibly wonderful, sweet, and caring, and while they are
very different from one another, they all love to read, do artwork,
play music, and do "projects," --perhaps because those are the
activities that I love and bring to our family's life. (They also love
to cook and do sports--the things their father brings to them.) We
couldn't be happier.
"There are a collection of recent books about raising boys that I have
found very enlightening to read. My favorite is "Real Boys" by William
I believe the author is Willam Pollack. I am also familiar with his
book and recommend it too. It makes a strong case for boys not
detaching from mothers around age five out because of social
expectations, and shows through interviews how hard it is to be a
teenage boy in that too often the only socially accpetable emotion for
him is anger.
Last fall there was a question about methods for influencing
gender when getting pregnant. A couple of people posted
that they had tried the Materna S.A. polarity cycle method but
didn't know yet whether they were successful. Has anyone
tried this method? Did it work for you? Just wondering if the
reported 90% succes rate is for real.
Regarding the question about Materna S.A. (aka birthchoice.com
etc) and the egg polarity ''theory'' I'd like to post this link.
My wife and I were researching this subject and it looks pretty
fishy and bogus.
Can anyone provide information on timing conception so that you
conceive a boy or a girl? Also, does anyone know of any good
books on the subject?
As our preschooler says, ''You get what you get, and you don't
throw a fit!'' That being said, think about it. There are
literally billions of sperm, and only one can fertilize the egg.
The common thought is that ''girl'' sperm live longer, but that
''boy'' sperm swim faster. Thus, if you fertilize the egg early in
your cycle, you have a higher chance of having a girl, because the
sperm has longer to travel to get to the egg (thus, the longer-
living sperm has a better chance). THAT BEING SAID: I think that
this is absolutely ridiculous. My in-laws (both educated people,
one is a doctor) had three girls and tried a fourth time for a boy
(using the technique). Guess what? They had another girl. We
had neighbors once who had seven girls. They finally tried one
more time for a boy and had...another girl. I don't think any
technique really works, because of the incredible number of sperm
involved. Anyway, good luck trying!
Mom of two girls!
Check out ''How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby'' by Dr. Shettles.
Who knows if it works--but I'll let you know in 10 weeks.
I researched this thoroughly before trying to
conceive, because we really wanted a girl.
Unfortunately, timing conception has not been
found to have any effect on the sex of the baby.
The most popular timing method, Shettles, is based
on the appealingly anthropomorphic, but
unfortunately fictictious, idea that Y sperm (the
ones that make boys) are faster but shorter-lived,
while X sperm are slower but more long-lasting. My
web searches turned up a scientific paper that
conclusively disproved this theory (I wish I'd
saved a link to it). Another blow was finding out
that the *second* most popular conception-timing
method was the opposite of Shettles'. Shettles
says to have sex well before ovulation to conceive
a girl, and close to ovulation to conceive a boy,
but the other author (who also claimed good
success rates) suggests the opposite.
There *is* a method that can help you conceive the
sex of your choice, but it is quite expensive, and
the success rates are only about 90%. The sperm
can be sorted to separate the Xs from the Ys, and
then used for artificial insemination. (See, for
example, http://www.microsort.net/) I don't know
of any clinics in the Bay area that do this--you'd
probably have to fly somewhere, and then spend at
least $1000, and you might not get pregnant, and
if you do, the baby might not be the sex you want.
Daughterless in Berkeley
Materna S.A. out of Switzerland offers a plan that will allow you
to choose the gender of your baby with 90% certainty, based on 20
years of data. The method is based on the women's predictable
polarity cycle meaning that during certain times of your cycle the
ovum will attract male or female sperm (harnessing nature's
way)...something like that. You can go online, I think at either
babychoice.com, or maternasa.com and order a conception calendar
for $365 for one year. It will tell you the favorable days for
conceiving the gender of your choice. We are currently trying for
a girl so I can't tell you yet of our success. But read the
research carefully and see what you think. Of course, be
absolutely CERTAIN that you want a child, regardless of the
gender, not so much child of a certain gender! Good luck.
None of the ''natural'' approaches to conceiving with gender choice
in mind have been shown to work (including timing, positions,
etc.) I have a dear friend who had a boy, and wanting a girl,
followed the instructions of a book which claimed to show you how
to have the gender you wanted. She had sex upside down under a
full moon (or whatever was guaranteed to produce a girl)
and..ended up with twin boys. She tried again with another book
and ended up with another boy. Now, with 4 boys, she's quit
On the other hand, sperm-sorting methods (which you can't do at
home!) have a higher probability of working. People may use these
methods if they are concerned about a genetically transmitted
problem on the X chromoson, for example. And some people use this
if they are desperate to increase their chances of a particular
gender. But no method, short of the appalling method of selective
gender abortion, is fool-proof. Hopefully you will be happy with
either gender, regardless of preference! There's nothing like
knowing that you're not the boy your father always wanted (which
is what a friend of mine, from a family of five girls, always
felt!)I kind of thought I wanted one girl, one boy, but when I
ended up with two girls I became convinced of all the positive
aspects of two kids of the same gender. As my youngest daughter
learned to say in kindergarten, ''you get what you get!''
''Taking Charge of Your Fertility,'' by Toni Weschler, has a
chapter about ''Choosing the Sex of Your Baby.'' She seems to
summarize the Shettle method mentioned by others in previous
responses. I've also heard that gender can be affected by the
balance of acids/bases in the diet.
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