Toilet Training and School
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Toilet Training and School
Feb 2008
My two-year-old is potty trained at home, but she is having lots of
bowel accidents at nursery school. I have finally ascertained that the
problem is she isn't asking her teachers to use the potty. They ask
her to try to pee every so often, so she doesn't have bladder
accidents. But they can't predict her bowel movements, so she goes in
her pants. She seems to like nursery school and to be comfortable with
her teachers in other aspects. I tell her to tell her teachers when
she needs to go potty, but so far it isn't working. Any suggestions?
Sarah
2 is still very young to be completely potty-trained. I suspect she is trained when
she's with you, because you remind her. At nursery school the teachers are too busy to
focus on any one child as much as you focus on your daughter at home, so if I were
you I'd send her to preschool in diapers or Pull-Ups until she's older and can tell the
teachers when she needs to go.
Mommy of 3
Oct 2007
I am wondering if anyone else has had this problem and what they
did to help their child get over it. My son just turned five and
started kindergarten in September. He has a history of holding
his poop and we've been working on that for about two years and
things have gotten a lot better. He also always held his pee at
preschool, but as he was only there four hours, it was normally
not a problem. Now that he's in kindergarten, the day is seven
hours long, and he still holds it! He does not normally have
accidents, he just holds it all day long.
Basically, he has formed an unusual attachment to me (mom) about
the bathroom. When we worked through his fear around the poop
withholding, I was always there by his side, encouraging him,
holding his hand etc. Well, now, he doesn't want to use a
bathroom if I am not present -- he goes fine in the bathroom at
school if I am present, so he's not afraid of the toilet -- he
just has anxiety about using it when I am not there. (At home and
out and about, he is a bit better about this, but still often
wants me in the bathroom with him and will usually hold it if
anyone else is looking after him, like dad or grandma.)
So, we have gone to see Meg Zwieback about this, and she has been
helpful in making us see that it's an anxiety/attachment issue,
but so far my son's behavior has not changed. However, now the
doctor is worried about him holding it for seven hours and would
like me to go to the school each day at lunch to take him to the
bathroom. She says it will cause physical damage and we should
not let him go so long without peeing. I'm reluctant (as is the
teacher), because that just seems like I'm reinforcing the
behavior, and we would rather do anything possible to get him to
start using the bathroom on his own. (Right now, we have the
teacher aide take him twice a day, and he brings a favorite
stuffed animal with him to make him more ''comfortable'', but
neither of these have worked, he just says he does not need to
go.) But, obviously, I'll find a way to go to the school every
day if it's going to cause him physical damage. The whole thing
is very stressful for me, though I try to hide how stressed I am
about it from him.
My question: has anyone else ever experienced something like
this? did you child hold it all day at school? and if so, what
did you do?
Worried mom
Perhaps I shouldn't answer since I don't have any good advice,
but my kindergartner has some similar issues. She has always
been able to hold her urine for alarming amounts of time. When
we traveled shortly after she was potty trained, she held it for
21 hours!! I was beside myself wishing she would just pee her
pants or something, but she just held it until she finally
relaxed at the hotel. Yikes! I just asked her and she said she
has not ever used the bathroom at kindergarten, but she is still
only going for half day. Even when she gets home, she often will
go for a long time without going, and sometimes she seems to go
most of the day on weekends without using the bathroom. When we
spoke to our pediatrician about it a year or so ago (just the
fact that she seemed to use the bathroom very infrequently and
hold it for very long stretches of time in unfamiliar places) she
reassured us that it was normal for kids to go long stretches.
Our situation is different in that our daughter hasn't had any
other bathroom issues and, most importantly, that our
pediatrician is not at this point concerned, but I thought it
might help you feel a little better to know that there's another
kindergartner out there holding her pee for long stretches of time!
Mother of a Camel
Sadly, I do know someone who used to hold it all day at school.
Me. It was brutal. In my case, it was because my mom emphasized
public toilets as ''icky dirty'' and I was afraid to use them. I
held it in all day, day after day, sometimes running the 8 blocks
home to make it to my own bathroom in time. (This was back in the
day when a 1st grader could walk alone 8 blocks to/from school so
you can probably imagine how old I must be now.) One day, I
couldn't hold it long enough and I had an accident. It was so
embarrassing that I gave up on trying to hold it anymore and
started using the public toilets despite my fear. Oddly though,
my daughter also held her pee and had an accident or two at
school before she decided it was better and easier to just go.
(To avoid repeating my mother's mistake, I have always been
positive about public toilets with her. She just simply didn't
want to interrupt her day.) I don't know what you can do to
convince your son to go when he has to go. Maybe you can try to
encourage him to go all by himself at home and then at school
when you drop him off in the morning? Anyway, if it makes you
feel any better, I seem to have suffered no long-term ill effects
from my pee-holding days.
-anon
A friend solved this problem with her son by making a trip to
school each day to visit the potty WITH the school nurse to use
the toilet in her office (quieter, more private). After a few
weeks or possibly months, he was able to trust the nurse enough
to use the toilet with her even if the mom did not show up. Not
sure what happened after that, if he mainstreamed to the regular
bathrooms or kept going to the nurse's office, but I know the mom
finally got off the hook.
Montclair Mommy
Oct 2007
My son is 3 years old (soon to be four) and we are having
trouble with potty training. He is considered trained at
preschool because he holds pee and poop all day until he gets
home. Until this week, we were putting on a pull-up when he got
home from school and he would soil two or three during the
evening. The preschool suggested we go ''cold turkey'', which we
have tried before, and not use anything but underwear. He is
still holding it although did finally pee in the toilet last
night. YEAH. I'm worried about him holding his BM especially
because of constipation. I am super stressed over the potty
training which doesn't help him in the least. Any advice on how
to help him or ME?
Children are very smart, you have taught your child for three
years that pee and poop go in the diaper. He is just sticking to
that. If you can't get him to go in the toilet I would suggest
you watch him closely. When you see him start to go prompt him
with a ''psst'' or grunt depending on what he's doing. Do it for a
couple of days with him in his diaper then start doing it when
he's on the toilet. It's going to take him some time so be sure
he has a potty he can relax and sit on himself. If he still
won't go on the toilet put him back in underwear or a pull up and
again watch him closely. This time when you see him start to go
take him to the potty and prompt him. Most kids have a tell,
something they do before they go. Just watch for that in your
child. It's a process but if he's holding it he's got the hard
part down, he should get the rest of it pretty quickly.
anon
Sept 2006
Hi all -
My son will not use the potty at school and consequently goes
through 3 sets of clothes per day. He is very proficient, even
proud, of going # 1 and 2 any where BUT at school and has been
potty trained for a year now. He has every reason and
justification in the world why he can't go at school but I
think it may boil down to a subtle game of control. We are
desperately seeking ideas for how to get beyond this phase!
Thank you very much.
Anonymous
Put him in a diaper or pull-up and tell him that's the deal until he starts using the
toilet
at school. It worked for a friend's son - he wore the pull-up and used it for about a
week then was so over it he started using the potty there too
-Good luck.
I sympathize with you on this issue. It causes a lot of anxiety for the
parents. The same thing happened to us. I believe it was indeed a
control issue----not only for him to have control over this issue, but also, I
think, to have control over the adults in his life. As he got older,
controlling the adults in his life has been a big part of his personality.
His preschool was firm that they wouldn't diaper change 4 yr olds, so I
sent him each day wearing pull-up diapers and when we got home, I
changed him. It was upsetting to us and inconvenient to all adults
involved, but right before entering kindergarten he abandoned it (he
probably sensed that the kindergarten teachers called the shots now,
not him anyore). This type of stubborn behavior recurred occasionally in
later years. Now he insists on being the boss of his college applications
and it's driving us parents bonkers. It's Hands Off as far as his parents
are concerned. We're so worried he's being stubbornly foolish. Being a
parent is really hard----we tried discipline of all kinds, taking away
cherished possessions, etc. He's more stubborn than the two of us
combined. Good luck. As they say, (hopefully), This, too, shall pass
Anon
our daughter was the same way when she began preschool at age 3. we (her father,
teacher and i) decided not to make it more of a heated issue and agreed that it was
ok to bring her potty to school (a smallish bjorn potty that she requested we bring
there.) after a handful of accidents, she started bringing a 'potty buddy' with her
and
eventually started going on her own, 4 months or so later. as time passed, we talked
about it less (only when she brought it up and then i remained neutral/
encouraging), and the next year her potty wasn't there, and she was fine. last week,
after being at this school for 1 1/2 years, she pooped there for the first time. i
knew
she was holding it for months, as the first thing she'd do when she returned home
was poop.
i think it's key to have a flexible preschool and not to make it an issue. i
personally
didn't blame her for not wanting to go potty in that bathroom. not that it is that
dirty, but it sure isn't like home!
good luck. it takes time but it will happen
been there
My son didn't want to use the potty at school, either. This is
very common. Even though he was using the ''big toilet'' at home,
our solution was to ask the school if he could bring his own
potty chair to use at school. They agreed, and we decorated it
with his name, etc, and he used it just fine at school. It
completely solved the problem, he was comfortable and the
teachers just had to help him empty the potty (easier than
changing wet and soiled clothes!). After a while he moved
through this phase, and became comfortable using the toilet at
school. Good luck!
Been there
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