• Dealing with my anger that 4-year-old poops in his underwear
• Using a Child Pyschologist Re Potty Training?
• More Advice about Toilet Training

Dealing with my anger that 4-year-old poops in his underwear

Potty Psychologist? No. I don't need a psychologist to evaluate my 4 year-old pooping in his pants. I need help understanding my own feelings about this potty-training. I feel like a total failure. For centuries parents have been teaching their children where to properly dispose of their excrement . . . where did we go wrong? I HATE cleaning up giant amounts of poop in underwear (and other places). I'm disgusted, angry, frustrated and then guilty about my disgust, anger, and frustration. I want to physically hurt my son when he has an accident after I've patiently asked him ''do you want to use the bathroom?'' ''It's time to use the bathroom.'' When I see him having a bowel movement, I try to gently usher him to go on the toilet and he vehemently refuses. We've tried everything: stickers, potty charts, not making it a big deal about it, making a big deal out of it, rewards, no rewards . . . I give up. Is there a counselor that specializes in working with parents? I love my son and I know it's just poop so why is this causing so much stress? This anger scares me. (I have health net if that makes a difference) fed up with poop

Neither rewards nor punishment worked. What did was about 3 mo. of growth and development - he finally got to a place where he was personally motivated to use the pot. I think venting the full depth of my anger and frustration in a safe place helped me to make it more his problem and not mine in the meantime. I definitely think seeing a psychologist is a great idea. Don't let insurance coverage be your deciding factor on whether you see someone - you want the right someone and that may not be found through insurance. Most counselors will do their best to work within your budget. I went to Michael Simon and I found him to be very helpful (check BPN for reviews). Breathe, find ways to enjoy your child, and give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. This is frustrating and heart breaking, and far more common than you would suspect. You will make it through

I see you're very frustrated and I completely understand you. I'm not a mom but I take care of twins almost 4 1/2 years and they were still wearing diapers until 2 weeks ago. Being from a country children ar potty trained at the age of 2 I was, at the beggining, very upset about the fact that they couldn't follow my instructions although I was remind them every 5 minutes about their poop time. But then it just happened that I remember studying children psycology at College and they always say the children you'll be ready when they feel they're ready and we have to follow that with patient even though it's pretty hard. It's like a grown-up learning how to drive... It takes us a while not to make the same errors and we hate being pressured! After I stopped remind the boys about their poop time.... Poof! They just said: I'll now poop in the potty and they just do it now! It sounds like magic, doesn't it? But it just showed me now they're completely ready and secure about this important 'job' for them! Please be patient and one day everything will change! And, remember, he'll never be 4 years older again! Take care!

I fought and fought with him to use the potty and he just would not have it. Finally I just gave up and said 'fine - we'll use pullups'. I was totally embarassed to have a 4 yr old in pull ups but got tired of cleaning up poo everywhere. We let his pull ups stage go for about 5 months before we tried again. Lo and behold, he was finally ready.

What I learned was that I couldn't make him go - he had to do it on his own time. I know everyone tells you that, but they have 2 yr olds! 4 yrs old is just old. But I had to let go of getting mad at him, yelling, even spanking because it didn't help. My letting go of it finally did.

Sounds like your son is just not ready. Don't beat yourself up. I thought I was doing it the wrong way too, but all my friends scratched their heads and said 'hmmm my kid never did that. they just went.' well mine didn't and i used the same techniques. I had to wait for his time clock to catch up. Good luck I wish a I had a magic trick for you - I tried stickers, treats, begging, etc etc and nothing worked. He just had to do it when he was ready. No more poop FINALLY!

Our second, though, is another matter entirely. She was nearly potty trained at 3, and then she just stopped. We went through a couple months of hell, power struggles, etc., before putting her back in pull-ups. Well, she just turned 4, we're trying again, and I'm already at my wit's end. She seems to have no desire to use the potty, either on her own or with reminders, on anything other than a sporadic, random basis. And for us, it's pooping and peeing. I find myself getting so angry when I have to sop up yet another pee stain on our carpeting....

So what to do? I don't know. We might go back to pull-ups (again!!) and just wait till she decides to do it on her own.

I wish you luck and peace... Right there with you

I also would like to echo what many parents have said about letting go of the issue. Once the pattern of constipation or withholding is resolved (basically, most children who skip days and then produce huge poops are withholding unless that has been the pattern since infancy) the best thing parents can do is tell themselves and the child, ''This will happen when it's the right time.'' It's not a fun problem, but it will get resolved . . trust your child. Meg Zweiback

Using a Child Pyschologist Re Potty Training?

As desperate as this may seem, I am contemplating having our nearly 4 year-old daughter see a psychologist to find out if it will help with potty training. We've tried everything else. Has anyone used a pyschologist for this? Did it help at all? anon