Berkeley Parents Network: What to call girls' genitalia

Berkeley Parents Network

What to call girls' genitalia

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > The Potty > What to call girls' genitalia

March 2001

We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter who is beginning the process of potty training. As part of this she has become much more curious about her body in general and genitals particularly and asks lots of questions about hers as well as about boys' genitals. Since she was born we have referred to her genitalia (and everyone elses') as her "po po." (Don't ask. We overheard a friend use it with her baby and thought it was as good a word as any.) But now I feel a little dumb (not to mention dishonest) using "po po" when she points and asks, "what's this called, mama?"

So far, I've just been straightforward: that's your vagina. that's your clitoria. those are labia. So, this poses a couple questions in my mind. With grandparents, other kids, or even other adults in her life, using "clitoris" or "labia" could create some discomfort. I don't really care much about the discomfort of others around names for body parts, but I'd hate for my daughter to pick up on it and draw the wrong conclusions. "Vagina" seems incomplete and my mother's old-fashioned "private parts" makes me shiver. The somewhat PC "yoni" works in that it's inclusive of the whole labia, vagina, clitoris and has a nicely unclinical and unerotic quality.

I'm uncertain what to say and would really love to know what other parents of girls have done. Somehow boys seems simpler -- maybe in my view there isn't as much of a taboo about talking about boys genitals -- but the grass is always greener.

Thanks, Kate

Why does "Vagina" seem incomplete? In my experience, in all but clinical settings, the word is understood to be, "...inclusive of the whole labia, vagina, clitoris and has a nicely unclinical and unerotic quality." JJ

With my now 3.5-year-old girl, we use the descriptive and poetic term of "little flower". (my invention). We've been refering to my 2-month-old boy's as "little chick" and "little egg" (a loose translation from colloqial Chinese). Xinxin

When our now 2 1/2 year old daughter was a baby, we began referring to her "pooty" (don't know where that came from) and then I got kind of a shock when she (of course) began speaking and using it herself. Then the dilemma: Sure it's cute at 2, but also trivializing, etc. (insert pc rant here) and was that *really* how I wanted her to refer to her genitals? So I copped out and brought in the good old vagina: inaccurate and overly clinical, but somehow above reproach.

I like your solution of teaching the correct terms for all the external and internal parts of female genitalia as well as adopting a "catch-all". The only thing is, the very non-pc "pooty" is likely to be our "yoni". Katia

How about vulva? That refers to everything that's visible. She's not seeing anyone's vagina without a speculum anyway. L. Carper

I look forward to reading others' responses on this one. I just wanted to suggest that you reconsider "private parts." We say "privates" in our family as a generic term for boy's and girl's genitalia and then also use more specific, "clinical" terms (though haven't taught clitoris yet, hmmm). I think it's useful to have an umbrella term, and "private parts" or "privates" works because they are/should be PRIVATE and so it's easy to tie in with teaching about touching.

A friend of mine once picked up her preschooler and was told by the teacher that she got a "boo-boo on her wee-wee". The daughter corrected, "No, I scraped my vulva." :) Deborah

We've used "yoni" for 8 years. I liked it better because it didn't have any overtones for me and it just sounds nicer. There's definitely an advantage to using a word that not everyone understands (particularly if your parents are like mine, extremely uptight, or for when your kids suddenly have a need to discuss their genitalia in a place that might not be friendly to that). We also always explained to them that other people use the word "vagina", so that they would understand and use that word too. As long as your daycare provider understands the word, there's no drawback as far as I can see. We also use "private parts" frequently, as I think it does communicate an important message. It didn't have the shame overtones to my ear. Meghan

You mentioned that your daughter was potty training. Is she asking what her sex organs are, or just what she wees and poos out of? What about 'girlie willy' and 'bottom'? Equally 'private parts' seems to encompass the WHOLE region and lets your daughter know that it is for her only and not for anyone else. maria

This topic has interested me ever since a psychoanalyst friend told me (long before I had a child) about a study which showed that most parents don't give their daughters _any_ name for their genitalia, whereas almost all of them give their sons a name for what they have. She thought this contributed to a sense of inadequacy among girls -- that they simply lack something which boys have, rather than having something special of their own. She said that she used "vulva" with her daughter. At the time I thought this sounded much too clinical, but that's what we ended up using with our daughter -- we tried some "cuter" alternatives but somehow they didn't stick, and "vulva" has ended up sounding quite natural to us. But I think the important thing is that they should have _some _word for it. Hannah

I don't have daughters but I was one of four girls, and I had a good laugh about this thread. I grew up in the South and my very uptight mom used the word "fanny" to cover everything from stem to stern on us girls. But when my brother came along, we were advised that he had a "penis" in addition to his "fanny" (tush). So we invented for ourselves the more precise terms "front fanny" (vulva) and "back fanny" (tush) which provoked mysterious laughter from our parents' friends. As an adult I learned that the term "fanny" is considered vulgar in Britain and got a little pleasure in telling my Anglophile Mom about this feature of her supposed polite term. -Ginger

Perhaps this is too late for inclusion, but I so enjoyed the entries about what to call your daughter's "private parts" and I agree wholeheartedly with the person who said the important thing was to give it a name, no matter what. How can you talk about something if you don't have a word for it? Some friends of ours, who do not have a daughter of their own, gave us the excellent suggestion of "minky" for vulva. It has been assimilated well in our family vocabulary, as I think it has a certain appeal on all sorts of levels. Hilary

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