Berkeley Parents Network: Little Boys and Guns (and Swords and ...)

Berkeley Parents Network

Little Boys and Guns (and Swords and ...)

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Advice about Playing > Little Boys and Guns (and Swords and ...)

Little Kids

Everything is a gun to 3-year-old twin boys

July 2003

I was wondering if people could offer some experience with boys and guns. I have 3 year old twin boys and everything is a gun. I mean the forks, the napkins, the blocks, etc. What is it from? What should I do? They watch some KQED and a few movies and videos. I thought I was choosing pretty non-violent stuff. I don't watch adult TV around them. We have tried talking to them about it. They don't have playdates with other kids. They get some at pre-school. But I want to raise non-violent boys. Any thoughts...thanks.
mother of future NRA members

This is an interesting thing about boys and violence. Parents can be exceptionally careful to keep the idea of violence, guns, etc. from their young sons, yet they *still* go through a phase of dealing with guns, violence, sword play, etc. Observing this over the years has led me to the conclusion that this is entirely normal.

I too have 3 (1/2) year old twin boys and the exact same thing is going on at our house. EVERYTHING is a gun and since they always have a friend (their brother) to play with they are always shooting at eachother. It bothers me a lot and both my husband and I agree that we don't want to support violence (no toy guns, violent video games or movies.....) However, there is no point in forbidding them from playing this way because it will only make it a bigger deal and more appealing for them to do so. They get it from school. Basically, what is important to me is thay they know that guns are dangerous and that they can hurt people and they never ever touch a gun. If they ever see one they get a big person immediately. I don't know how much this has sunk in at this point but I hope that as long as we are consistent about this then eventually it will become common knowledge to them. There is so much exposure to violence in our society. I can only hope to help them navigate through it safely and intelligently. To forbid them from having anything to do with it is not preparing them for what they will inevitablly come up against. Good luck mother of two space ranger laser gun shooters

I was raised by a fiercely pacifist mother who was horrified by guns and gunplay. From an early age I was fascinated by guns and made them from any available materials. There are pictures of me from as young as three years playing with toy guns, my mother having realized by then that she was powerless to prevent it, and that it was distinct from and not generative of real violence. We didn't have TV and I was otherwise sheltered from the culture of violence. The fascination with guns seems to be an inborn proclivity shared by almost all boys of a certain age. I ''played army'' up to the age of twelve but learned pacifism from my parents' example, have never been in a fight, and have never owned a real gun, though I had plenty of toy ones, including ''machine guns'' and even a bb gun. My advice is don't sweat it, it's not what you think; Though testosterone related, it's creative play, and really harmless. Save your energy for things like getting them to clean up clean up their room. Bill

Don't worry about it. When I was a boy I had lots of pretend guns, toy soldiers, even played ''war'' in the woods. Yet I grew up to be an anti-war protestor. Playing with guns does not make one into an adult gun-lover, any more than kids who knock over towers of blocks grow up to be arsonists. Jim

I'd be reluctant to admit this in a group of Berkeley moms but I don't think guns are that big a deal.

My siblings and I weren't allowed to watch TV but I recall that we pretended that tree branches were ''swords'', trash can lids were ''shields'', and there was lots of gun play with any pointy shaped object we could find. I think kids are naturally curious about weapons and forbidding it makes it more desirable.

When I was a teenager my Dad took us target shooting and showed us how to safely handle weapons. He grew up in a rural part of Pennsylvania and was very comfortable around guns.

I have 2 young children now so don't own any guns but occasionally go to a firing range with my cousin (she's a police officer) because I enjoy target shooting. --Mom who can shoot straight

Not being the parent of a boy, I wasn't going to respond originally, but then I saw all the posts, and found myself chuckling over the memories they aroused. My parents were also, as one respondent put it, ''fierce pacificists'' (I love that!) and strongly opposed to toy guns and war play in general. But then my little brother got to be about three, and pretty soon, sandwiches got chewed into gun shapes, etcetera. Eventually, my parents relented and allowed him to have some war toys, and my brother went through a really horrifying stage of war enthusiasm, co-mingled with the whole ''I'm a ninja'' thing. But here's the point: as a teenager, my brother became a conscientious objector to the draft, and now he is in his thirties, the gentlest, kindest, most nonviolent man you'll ever meet. He has no desire to own guns, has never hit another person in anger, and in fact seldom even raises his voice. So I have to conclude that gun-fantasy-play is just an unfortunate but normal part of male childhood in our culture. And maybe it's a necessary catharsis of some very heavy business? Pacificist's big sister

5-year-old is obsessed with swords, guns, etc.

Dec. 2002

Since there's been a discussion about Barbies and girls, I thought I'd ask about toy weapons and boys as I didn't see anything in previous postings. My son is 5 and obsessed with swords, bows and arrows, guns etc. We have not allowed him to have any toy weapons but he fashions his own out of sticks/spoons/whatever. He is not an aggressive kid but I still won't play with him when he makes a pretend weapon (I generally say, ''I don't like playing with weapons even if they are pretend--how about we play 'X' instead.'') I have monitored his video watching and have banned certain ones (thank you Disney) as being too weapons focussed. He recently got a squirt gun as a gift--we called it a ''squirt toy'' and he looked at us with pity, as it is a squirt ''gun'' as far as he is concerned. Reading the Barbie posts made me think that maybe we are making too big a deal of it and that these toys are gaining power without ever being in our home. Should we give in and get him a toy sword?

First, you can't keep boys from making weapons. My son watches almost no TV, and nothing violent, yet he still is into weapons. Second, given you can't get rid of them entirely, what is important is that you teach proper and responsible usage of a weapon. For example, swords hit only other swords. If a sword hits a person, tree, furniture, etc, the sword is taken away. (Note: for this to work, though, you must buy 2 swords, not just one!) And third, a plastic sword with a rounded end is a lot less dangerous than the sharp pointed sticks he's probably using now!
A mother of a completely boy's boy

Like the Barbie issue,I think sword/weapon play for boys is natural(I sure didn't teach my boys to want to play fighting....they just started doing it so I think it's an inborn boy thing). My 7 year old still plays with swords and does what I call playacting with his figurines, etc. I've never encouraged guns, never bought toy guns, but even their pretend guns I would suggest they shoot at imaginary enemies, or their toys, not at real people. My 11 year old is no longer into weapon play (except on electronic games) and seems to be pretty well rounded. I think any toy/activity that is forbidden can easily become an obsession. Better to allow moderation with some guidelines and boundaries.
mom of 2 boys.

My advice is, don't worry about the guns. When I was a kid I had lots of toy guns and toy soldiers, I watched war TV shows and would play war games with my friends. And I outgrew it, as did all my peers, and as a young adult I was protesting against war. From what I can tell, there's just a phase when little boys are fascinated with good and evil (''bad guys'') and conflict. My advice to you is play with your kid. Sometimes he'll want you to be the bad guy so he can kill you. Let him. I don't mean you should allow yourself to be physically hurt, but when he shoots you, make dramatic sounds and die, or better yet plead for mercy and promise to be good if he spares you. He probably won't, then die anyway. The main thing is to let your kid win.
Jim

Until I had a son, my firstborn is a girl, I always thought I would be absolute about allowing any sort of weapons--gun, swords, etc. Now that I have a pre-school age son, I am more governed by intuition and by the moment. While I would never by my son a mock AK-47 assault rifle, I have capitulated to buying him a set of foam(ish) swords, reiterating how we feel about hurting or menacing people with the sword. Frankly, he can take or leave the swords now that he has them. The times that he has used the swords with a friend I have heard my articulate 3-year old son say that we can use these for fun play but we can't hurt each other or put them in each other's faces. It is precisely this casualness my son has developed toward the swords that tells me that I have done the right thing. In fact, my son's favorite use of the sword is to conjure up an imaginary enemy and feign that he is protecting the princess in the castle--his sister in the treehouse. In the meantime, another boy whom me know, whose mother has prohibited not only the use of swords, etc. but also language like ''I am a warrior,'' or ''Halt, otherwise I will get you with my sword [pretend],'' seems fairly obsessed by anything military, etc. Maybe there is something to the adage, ''Forbidden fruit is always sweeter.'' My son's very sweet, very gentle, very measured disposition has not changed at all with the advent of owning his foam sword. And! I think there is something to be said about letting a child invalidate something for him/herself, with the parents' governance, of course.
Pacifist Mama

Before my boys (now 6 and 8) hit about 5, I thought the same way. FWIW, they have never watched commercial TV (they are starting to watch the Food Network on ocassion, though) and had very little PBS exposure. Only books. I've since come to recognize (they are very good teachers :)) that boys (we'll see about girls; mine are only 3 and 1) need outlet for agression. We can channel it so it isn't hurtful (against any living beings) but I really feel that it is ''natural'' and ''normal''. I still will not allow toy guns in the house, but we have swords - they will one minute play with sticks aggressively and the next play with their sister's dolls.

I would encourage play as an outlet for agression (play is really the way that they figure everything out) but to channel it so that it isn't hurtful against you or any living thing (ants, dragonflies, etc.)
Kathy

My 9 y.o. guy has never been super into weapons, but like most kids (including many girls), he has liked that kind of play at times. In our house, we still have a strict NO GUNS rule, but that applies to toys sold as toy guns only. If he or his sister fashion weapons out of tinker toys, we don't forbid it - but (like others) we have difinite rules about how it is used (no weapon can strike a person, and if it has a projectile, it can't even be aimed toward a person). We let him know why we are opposed to toys that look like guns - that there is a lot of gun violence in this world that hurts real people, and we prefer to play in ways that do not copy this. Now, I know a the bad guy-good guy thing is imprtant for kids to play through, but I don't think ''killing'' is the only way to deal with this. And I know that kids have a need to express their anger/aggression in some way. But would we let our kids ''play rape'' because it can get their aggressions out? Of course not! I don't think that one must allow gun play to meet psychological needs. There are lots of healthy alternatives that don't require ''killing'' the bad guy. (Capture him, lock him up, teach him better ways, ...). One last thing - many toys, such as Playmobile and Lego sets, come with guns. That's been hard to avoid, but we still strictly prohibit gun toys meant to be used by the child. So far in our house, there hasn't been a lot of complaint about this.
R.K.

2 1/2 year old's enthusiasm for guns and swords

Oct 2001

I'm at a loss on how to deal with my 2 1/2 year old son's newfound enthusiasm for turning toys or found objects into guns or swords and the resulting play. He'll brandish something and declare he's going to fight me, or hit me, or (after another reading of The Cat in the Hat Comes Back) kill me with his popgun. (not just me, by the way, but dad, the dogs, anyone he's interacting with) We don't watch TV, but he's picked up this kind of play at daycare (where it's discouraged too). He doesn't actually hit anyone. I know it's typical behavior, but don't know quite how to react to successfully redirect or discourage. I've tried turning swords into magic wands, talking with him about how fighting hurts, asking him why he wants to shoot whatever, telling him I don't like to play that way and walking away, etc. etc. I don't want to turn a toddler molehill into a mountain, but I don't like this kind of play. Is it just an inevitable, normal stage we should ignore? (as my husband thinks). Any insight would be very much appreciated! Karen

My advice is to not make a big deal of it, but do feel free to set some limits of your own: "I don't play that game," or, "We don't play gun games at our house." My feeling is that gun games, like chasing games or any number of other examples, are allowed only when all parties agree to it, and the environment, such as the daycare or home, allows it. L. Carper

From my experience of having a boy and being around many other toddler and pre-school age boys, this is extemely common and normal behavior. A friend of mine said her son would help make a salad by tearing lettuce into gun shapes. So, anything around, like fingers, becomes the gun. My solution in our house was to set up rules for some things and ignore others. Like- no pointing fingers at any people. Sticks used as make believe guns can only be played with outside and, again, no pointing at any people. Otherwise, I decided to give it as little energy as possible. Then my brother gave my son 2 water pistols, which I never would have done. I decided to not take them away, so the rule was he could only use them in the bathtub, and could not shoot any people (he sometimes takes a bath with other kids). My son is now 4 1/2 and the gun play is mostly over. If your son sees how upset or annoyed you get, it's only more grist for his mill. MBernstein

Our house rule is "no pointing guns at living things" . Other than that, we have allowed guns and gun play, which I never thought I would. My son is almost 11 now and shows no propensity towards violence... I think a gun ban would have been counterproductive, conflict-promoting and ineffective, because as you've already noticed, anything can be a gun to an imaginative child! Deborah

I have a 4 1/2 year old and we went through the same thing - and we're still going through it to some extent. I have come to the conclusion that boys just have this hard wired behavior. Not in all cases, but in most that I have had contact with. My advice is to just not worry about it too much. Don't put too much energy into it. They'll move through it eventually. - chris

I've been using a technique to help model more desirable behavior using his dolls when I find my son doing the undesirables. It's hard for a parent to see their child act like a brat, even if they're naturally that way sometimes at this age... unless they learn otherwise. My son is about 2 1/2 and I made up three plays where his two dolls were in conflict and then proceeded to resolve the conflict by sharing. I did this over a period of 2-3 days, and to my astonishment, we've seen our usually greedy child offer a truck to a friend and then a few days later, suggested that he would "share" a play blankie during a tug- of- war with papa. Have others found constructing plays for children to work? I'm planning to use this technique on some other issues such as eating green vegetables, going in the potty, etc... Susan

I'm a mom of three boys and I can tell you that this is what they do. Even if you refuse to buy them guns, they will eat their toast into a gun shape and use that! The boys who visited our house who weren't allowed to have any guns were often the ones who were most obsessed with them, so I don't think it's a good idea to make a big thing of it. I only ever bought my boys water guns (shaped like animals) when they were little; as they got older they had the giant magnum 10-gallon water guns. I thought water gun play was fun though I always gave them my editorial opinion about guns, swords, etc. -- a common refrain around our house now that they are older is "Mom, you think EVERYTHING is a phallic symbol." Ginger

a good friend of mine has recommended the book "Who's Calling the Shots? How to respond effectively to children's fascination with war play and war toys," by N. Carlsson-Paige & D. LEvi. she says it's helped her talk to her 2.5 year old boy about his fascination with shooting, guns, etc... she got it at rosiehippo.com. Jessica

Guns are a powerful symbol. The gun wielder is in a position to control other people. It seems to me that this is something a toddler can't resist. Most boys, myself included, engaged in gun play. At the age of a toddler I would ignore it. To make an issue of it is to play into the power play dynamic. He'll likely loose interest when it gets no reaction. When the child is older, it is important to be sure he knows that gun play of any kind is not acceptable. At the very least you should keep in mind that police consider anything that looks like a gun to be a gun.

My father kept guns in the house since we were infants. We were instructed by word and example that guns are not toys. The guns were handled only to and from target shooting, cleaning, and instruction. They were never permitted to be loaded in the house or away from a target range. I would suggest that you take a gun safety course even if you don't own a gun. Ask lots of questions and don't be intimidated by jargon. Gregg

I guess I'm with your husband in believing this behavior more likely to extinguish if you don't draw attention to it. My son, now almost 10, makes the traditional set of weapons noises, plays video games that can sometimes get a little violent (there's an understatement!) and has an absolutely clear concept of the difference between fantasy violence and real violence. He also is known among his peers as a good, fair, and non-violent kid. Except for checking in with him now and then on that line between reality and fantasy, I try consciously to stay out of it.

We took the same attitude on sugar at an earlier age...what's not forbidden is not as tantalizing as what is... and found that he is less obsessed with junk food than many of his friends who live in "healthier" environments. Good luck. Heather

Most kids go through the "cowboys and indians" phase, although today it's more likely to be jedi knights and Darth Vader. Most kids understand the basic concept of good and bad early on. I don't know of any child who doesn't role play. It is a normal part of development and they do grow out of it.

Kids that never watch TV and are never given guns for toys will still use their fingers to pretend they have a gun or a laser or a turbo-charged molecule zapper. I thought I would not have to deal with this if my son was not allowed to have play guns, of any kind. I made a point of not allowing my relatives to give him any, not even squirt guns. So what does he do? My son made a "laser gun" out of his Lego's.

Your son is at a high energy stage in his development (the terrible two's) and he has a lot of aggression as most two year olds do. He's exploring his world and seeking out boundaries. As long as he's not hurting anyone, let him have fun. Try to have fun with him. Changing swords into wands is a good attempt at changing the situation to a scenario you can live with, but two is pretty young to understand the world of fairies and magic. Good guy/bad guy is a lot easier.

There really is nothing you can do about it to stop it altogether. He's using his imagination to be a hero, to save the world from whatever monster he's come across. He doesn't understand about mortality yet. He's only two. You can try to route this creativity towards another platform, like art, but the violent imagery may still come out. Let it and it'll eventually wear itself out. Marianne

I have a 3-1/2 year old who is going through the same thing with gun play. He turns everything into a gun and is going to shoot everything. I do discourage it, but have found the less attention I pay to the problem the less he seems to do it. I think really believe that it is a normal gender specific phase that boys go through and I really don't think that there is too much you can do about it other than do your best and ride it out. It can be really embarrassing though when you are out in public and your son is shooting everyone. I was recently flying with my son and that was quite a challenge trying to keep his guns out of the airports. I am glad to see that I am not the only one out there that is going through this. Hang in there. Cheri

Having 2 boys (10 and 6) I can agree with all the other parents who have written to say that boys do gun play, like it or not!! We've never had toy guns in the house (water guns, yes) but they do chew their toast or cucumbers into gun shapes, or use their fingers, or broomsticks, or another toy. Our rule, like other families: they can shoot at pretend bad guys. No shooting at real people or animals. Both boys are pretty much past that stage now. I agree that giving it too much attention will add fuel to the fire. Good luck. June

I was in the exact same situation when my son went through this [disturbing] phase. The best advice I got was to redirect the play into a fire rescue game. That way, he can still "shoot" a fire hose and the play can be active and aggressive, but it's for the purpose of helping people/animals rather than hurting. It doesn't work every single time (does anything?) but it went a long way for us. Sheryl

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