Berkeley Parents Network: Invitation Etiquette

Berkeley Parents Network

Invitation Etiquette

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Advice about Playing > Invitation Etiquette

Questions

Invitation Etiquette for Special Events

When do you pay for their child and when do they?

April 1999

What is the etiquette around money when a family invites their child's friend to an event, activity, trip?

Currently, when we invite one of our daughter's friends to a movie, we cover the cost of the movie,popcorn, lunch/dinner. We can afford to do this every now and then. However, if we "invite" a friend to Marine World, the cost is obviously much higher--should we ask the parent to send some money?

Last year our daughter was "invited" to Marine World. (Entire phone conversation was: "Would your daughter like to go with us to Marine World?" "Sure.") When we dropped her off, the mother said, "We have discount tickets for $7.50." We figured this meant she wanted some money, so we handed her a ten dollar bill. She quickly pocketed the money and said, "Oh good, she might want a coke or something." We found this entire interaction quite jarring. Perhaps if she had mentioned the money piece during the conversation, we wouldn't have been so surprised.

A friend's teenage daughter was invited on ski trip last Christmas. The hosts told my friend that they would cover the cost of the room and meals, but to send money for the ski lesson, lift tickets,etc. Is this a reasonable approach? We have a single child and anticipate inviting her friends to many future activities. I would appreciate some guidance on how to navigate this world of money and social invitations. Thanks.

I think the general rule about money and invitations is still the old fashioned one. If you're "invited," the inviting party pays. That's still the expection (albeit not uncommonly breached) in the adult world and we should teach our kids (who are watching) the same conventions.

That said, when costs get very high per person (and I emphasize, per person, because the person extending the invitation obviously controls how many people are invited), some discussion about money is appropriate and I was taught that the polite thing is for the invitee to bring it up (i.e. to say "That's a very generous invitation. I know XX is likely to be expensive, would it be useful if I covered some share of my kid's costs?"). The person inviting can then gracefully decline or accept. Similarly, the friends who offered room and board for a ski trip but asked the parent to cover lift tickets and ski lessons were quite reasonable. (I'm assuming they raised money *before* the child had accepted the invitation -- asking for money after the child is preparing to go is extortionate).

I think the best way to go is to be clear to the other parent. If they're inviting your daughter and don't mention the cost, then you should ask before you say yes. At least, this is what I find that's worked the best for my 11 (almost 12) son. I usually don't agree to the trip at the first conversation on it. I get all the info I need, then call them back the next day or later the same day and tell them whether or not it's ok. I find this has worked very well. Also, I like to have my son pay for part of the cost so this gives me time to discuss with him if he wants to go to the event enough to spare part of his own money. (They always want to go when it's your money...and sometimes they decide they don't want to go that badly when they have to spend part of their money.)

When you invite other kids, make sure you tell the parent what you expect the their child to pay when you first invite them. Usually, it's kind of nice to cover part of the cost...ie for a trip to Marine World, I would probably cover either the ticket or the meals. I think it's important to know what you would be happy to pay and communicate that with the other parents in advance. That way everyone can have a good time and not feel "tricked" into something. One final note, I always send a little extra money with my son even though I know exactly what will be covered by the other parents. You never know if he might want an extra coke or something... I also tell the other parents when they pick up that I've sent an additional few dollars with him so they won't be surprised when he comes back with a coke and her child doesn't have one... Hope this helps.

I always pay for my daughter's expenses when she is invited by her friends. I also give extra money for food, gift shop etc.

this issue comes up a lot in our family. here's how we deal with it: directly. when we are doing an activity and we can afford to cover the cost of another child we say so when we invite them "it's on us", etc. or "we'll pay for admission and lunch, s/he may want to bring some spending money for souvenirs. etc." if not we say"i'd be happy to take the kids to the movies, s/he'll need to cover his/her own ticket" or some such thing. many families send the child with money to cover admission prices, etc. this issue comes up more frequently as children get older and do more activities with other families, and i usually find that the straightforward approach works the best--so that no one is surprised without money at the gate. when my children are invited to an activity, i ask how much it will cost or how much money i should send with them, and let the other family take it from there.

When I invite another child to go somewhere with us, I plan to pay. If the parent offers to pay, I might accept if it is something kind of expensive like Great America or Marine World. When my daughter is invited somewhere, I offer to pay when I drop her off. Now that she is a teenager and I might just be dropping her and friends off somewhere, they often have their own money with them. But I do ask her friends if they have money, just to make sure.

I don't think we can expect all other parents to handle things the same way we do. It would be nice if they would say something at the time the invitation was extended if they wanted you to pay for your own child, but you really can't control that. So it seems like you're either going to have to ask at the time of the invitation, or just be prepared to offer to pay, or pay if asked.

My kids are older now and are usually expected to use their own money to pay for entertainment. But here is how I did it when they were younger and another parent invited them to an event: I always offered to pay. When the invitation was extended, I would say: "Thanks. How much should I give him?" If the parent said "Oh, don't worry about it - we'll take care of it." then I would give him a few bucks for a snack. (I'd give this to parent when he was too young to handle money himself. I never had a parent refuse this!) If the parent named an amount, I'd say "OK, and I'll give him a couple of extra bucks for a snack."

When I invited another kid somewhere, I would assume that I was paying unless the event was expensive, say over $10. In that case, I would say something like "I think tickets will be about $15, but I'm going to pack lunches so he doesn't need any food money." In my experience, most parents expected to pay for their own kid to go to expensive places and would protest if I tried to foot the bill. Birthdays are a different story. At your child's birthday party, you always foot the bill for every invited guest including parents when the kids are young. The assumption is that you pick an event that you can afford to pay for. You never ask the other parents to pitch in.

RSVP and Kids' Parties

Nonresponse to RSVPs is an ongoing pet peeve of mine for all the reasons you stated. I did a little asking, and some people don't know what RSVP means! Others think it means to call only if you can't come to the event. So now instead of RSVP, I put a note on the invitation asking them to "call by [date] to let us know if you're coming." Maybe add something in a light-hearted way to the effect that we want to be able to have enough cake. Or something about having to have an accurate head-count for the facility by that date (in many of these away-from-home party places, you pay by the number of kids, and it grates to pay for kids who might or might not show up.) Or a note about how my kid gets to invite 8 kids because it's his eighth birthday. But even people who know what RSVP means don't always bother. I've taken to calling everyone who hasn't responded by the deadline date in the invitation. Some people don't return those calls, either! If that kid's attendance is going to make a difference in the price at the facility (eg, $100 for 1 to 10 kids, $125 for 11-15), I don't count him. If he does show up, there may be a last-minute absence, the facility may not really care, or I may have to pay more. I do, however, make him up a goodie bag. I don't think the kid should suffer for the parents' lack of social grace. If he shows up, he gets the bag like everyone else. (I supposed the goodie bag is a problem if provided by the facility itself, as they won't have more than you've signed on for...) I have stopped inviting certain families to parties because of the lack of response to the RSVP and phone calls. It's not worth the aggravation to me.
6/99

I have found it helpful to put on the invitation, "Please RSVP by ___", rather than just "RSVP". Putting a specific date seems to increase the number of timely RSVPs. I usually wait a few days after the stated date before I call those who haven't responded. They're often very embarrassed and apologetic. I think people lead very busy lives and just forget to call even though the invitation may be on the refrigerator door and they have every intention of attending.
6/99

By all means, call the parents directly to find out if their child will attend your party. I've always encoutered friendly courtesy when I've done this, and some parents are relieved when I call, because they've sincerely been trying to get around to RSVPing. Calling directly also solves the problem of a few invitations that tend to go astray.
6/99

I had the same question, which I posted to another parenting list I'm on. It generated a lot of discussion! The general consensus was that *not* everyone is going to RSVP, and most people suggested a call to the parents by some deadline (1 week before the party?) to make sure, since often times you will need an accurate head count. If you have invited all the kids in her class, then certainly it would be ok to place something in everyone's box. But what seems to be the case is that you will never have a perfect world here... What I find almost as bad is parents who invite *some* kids in a preschool class, but put the invitations in those kids' cubbies! I think if you're going to do it at school, it should be an invitation (or reminder, or whatever) for all the kids, or do it off-site.
6/99

You are entitled to push a bit to get some commitments. Go ahead and put a reminder in the artwork folders. A short explanation such as "please get back to me so that I can get a headcount and make sure I have enough cupcakes" should make it abundantly clear to all why they should RSVP. Reading this post was a good warning for those of us who will be planning such parties in future and a noodge to flaky RSVPers everywhere. Thanks.
6/99

Don't even get me started on the lack of RSVP'ing that goes on these days. But, since you asked...I am not surprised at the lack of responses you've received. I too have experienced similar problems with past parties. I have had 3 parties at my house in the past two months, including a baby shower and my daughter's 4th b-day party. I have had problems getting people to respond to them all. I thought, at the very least, people would respond to a baby shower. Nope! I'd say less then half the guests bothered to respond. I have tried all different sort of tactics too. I figured email would be easy for people to reply. Didn't work. Do people have a problem with understanding what RSVP actually means? Maybe the french throws people. It means RESPOND. It doesn't mean call me if you can come or call me if you can't. I've been wanting to start an email/internet campaign to come up with a phrase that would actually encourage folks to respond. So, for those of you out there that have received party invitations in the past that you have just let slip or slide, what does RSVP mean to you? What word or phrase would help you to call the party giver and let her know if you will attend or not? I would also say that you have every right to know if these children will be attending this party. It is completely appropriate for you to slip a reminder in the art folder or to call their houses and ask. Don't assume anything. This problem seems to be more pervasive in mellow, laid back California then in other parts of the country.
6/99

I've hosted 2 parties recently and had the same experience. One was an adult party and the other was my daughter's 4th birthday party where I also invited all the kids at the pre-school. In both cases the RSVP rate was less than half by the date of RSVP requested on the invitation. I stomped around the house and complained to my husband about the lack of civil behavior in our modern society but it didn't do much for determining how many guests would show up at my party. I then got on the phone and started calling. As a gracious host I think you need to always treat guests with respect and be as nice as you can when calling. In my case I said something like 'Hi, this is Kathy. I was just calling to see if you'll be able to join us for the birthday party this weekend (at this point they usually profusely apologize for not responding).' You can then say something like 'Don't feel bad, you are not in the minority I'm having to follow up with lots of people, I understand everyone is really busy these days. We would love to have you join us for the party.' It hopefully minimizes the embarrassment of not responding and gives you the headcount that you need to adequately plan the party. For the pre-school parents I asked people as I ran into them at pick up and drop off times and then called the ones I hadn't seen. A note is probably OK but you still may not get a response which really leaves you looking like a pest if you still have to call them. Another friend of mine didn't call and then scrambled on the day of the party to fit in 2 kids that showed up without RSVPing. She asked close friends to 'loan' their goodie bags to the extra guests and scrambled to find food for the kids since the party was a fixed seating type of thing.
6/99

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