Berkeley Parents Network: Invitation Etiquette

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Invitation Etiquette

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Invitation Etiquette for Special Events

RSVP and Kids' Parties

Nonresponse to RSVPs is an ongoing pet peeve of mine for all the reasons you stated. I did a little asking, and some people don't know what RSVP means! Others think it means to call only if you can't come to the event. So now instead of RSVP, I put a note on the invitation asking them to "call by [date] to let us know if you're coming." Maybe add something in a light-hearted way to the effect that we want to be able to have enough cake. Or something about having to have an accurate head-count for the facility by that date (in many of these away-from-home party places, you pay by the number of kids, and it grates to pay for kids who might or might not show up.) Or a note about how my kid gets to invite 8 kids because it's his eighth birthday. But even people who know what RSVP means don't always bother. I've taken to calling everyone who hasn't responded by the deadline date in the invitation. Some people don't return those calls, either! If that kid's attendance is going to make a difference in the price at the facility (eg, $100 for 1 to 10 kids, $125 for 11-15), I don't count him. If he does show up, there may be a last-minute absence, the facility may not really care, or I may have to pay more. I do, however, make him up a goodie bag. I don't think the kid should suffer for the parents' lack of social grace. If he shows up, he gets the bag like everyone else. (I supposed the goodie bag is a problem if provided by the facility itself, as they won't have more than you've signed on for...) I have stopped inviting certain families to parties because of the lack of response to the RSVP and phone calls. It's not worth the aggravation to me.
6/99

I have found it helpful to put on the invitation, "Please RSVP by ___", rather than just "RSVP". Putting a specific date seems to increase the number of timely RSVPs. I usually wait a few days after the stated date before I call those who haven't responded. They're often very embarrassed and apologetic. I think people lead very busy lives and just forget to call even though the invitation may be on the refrigerator door and they have every intention of attending.
6/99

By all means, call the parents directly to find out if their child will attend your party. I've always encoutered friendly courtesy when I've done this, and some parents are relieved when I call, because they've sincerely been trying to get around to RSVPing. Calling directly also solves the problem of a few invitations that tend to go astray.
6/99

I had the same question, which I posted to another parenting list I'm on. It generated a lot of discussion! The general consensus was that *not* everyone is going to RSVP, and most people suggested a call to the parents by some deadline (1 week before the party?) to make sure, since often times you will need an accurate head count. If you have invited all the kids in her class, then certainly it would be ok to place something in everyone's box. But what seems to be the case is that you will never have a perfect world here... What I find almost as bad is parents who invite *some* kids in a preschool class, but put the invitations in those kids' cubbies! I think if you're going to do it at school, it should be an invitation (or reminder, or whatever) for all the kids, or do it off-site.
6/99

You are entitled to push a bit to get some commitments. Go ahead and put a reminder in the artwork folders. A short explanation such as "please get back to me so that I can get a headcount and make sure I have enough cupcakes" should make it abundantly clear to all why they should RSVP. Reading this post was a good warning for those of us who will be planning such parties in future and a noodge to flaky RSVPers everywhere. Thanks.
6/99

Don't even get me started on the lack of RSVP'ing that goes on these days. But, since you asked...I am not surprised at the lack of responses you've received. I too have experienced similar problems with past parties. I have had 3 parties at my house in the past two months, including a baby shower and my daughter's 4th b-day party. I have had problems getting people to respond to them all. I thought, at the very least, people would respond to a baby shower. Nope! I'd say less then half the guests bothered to respond. I have tried all different sort of tactics too. I figured email would be easy for people to reply. Didn't work. Do people have a problem with understanding what RSVP actually means? Maybe the french throws people. It means RESPOND. It doesn't mean call me if you can come or call me if you can't. I've been wanting to start an email/internet campaign to come up with a phrase that would actually encourage folks to respond. So, for those of you out there that have received party invitations in the past that you have just let slip or slide, what does RSVP mean to you? What word or phrase would help you to call the party giver and let her know if you will attend or not? I would also say that you have every right to know if these children will be attending this party. It is completely appropriate for you to slip a reminder in the art folder or to call their houses and ask. Don't assume anything. This problem seems to be more pervasive in mellow, laid back California then in other parts of the country.
6/99

I've hosted 2 parties recently and had the same experience. One was an adult party and the other was my daughter's 4th birthday party where I also invited all the kids at the pre-school. In both cases the RSVP rate was less than half by the date of RSVP requested on the invitation. I stomped around the house and complained to my husband about the lack of civil behavior in our modern society but it didn't do much for determining how many guests would show up at my party. I then got on the phone and started calling. As a gracious host I think you need to always treat guests with respect and be as nice as you can when calling. In my case I said something like 'Hi, this is Kathy. I was just calling to see if you'll be able to join us for the birthday party this weekend (at this point they usually profusely apologize for not responding).' You can then say something like 'Don't feel bad, you are not in the minority I'm having to follow up with lots of people, I understand everyone is really busy these days. We would love to have you join us for the party.' It hopefully minimizes the embarrassment of not responding and gives you the headcount that you need to adequately plan the party. For the pre-school parents I asked people as I ran into them at pick up and drop off times and then called the ones I hadn't seen. A note is probably OK but you still may not get a response which really leaves you looking like a pest if you still have to call them. Another friend of mine didn't call and then scrambled on the day of the party to fit in 2 kids that showed up without RSVPing. She asked close friends to 'loan' their goodie bags to the extra guests and scrambled to find food for the kids since the party was a fixed seating type of thing.
6/99

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