• To Barbie or not Barbie
• My 4-year-old really wants a Barbie
• More Advice about Playing with Dolls

To Barbie or not Barbie

My daugther just received a barbie for her fourth birthday. It came with another present and we just hid the Barbie. Unfortunately, my son keeps bringing it up and I'm afraid my husband will cave and give it to her. Although we've both aggreed no Barbies, he's now asking what's the harm? I just ''feel'' so against it. Growing up in a So-Cal beach community, I feel very strongly about not giving the message that girls ought to look like Barbie. Should I just relax and let her have the darn Barbie - hoping that living with us will be a stronger force in her life? She's really into the whole barbie, princess, ballerina, girly thing - despite us not even having a TV! And I'm not ''girly'' at all. thoughts? thanks!
barbie hater

In the end, her daughter plays with Barbie with her friends and also with her mom--and they use it as an opportunity to talk about women's roles, the importance (or not) of looks, fashion, etc...and a chance for the mom to give her daughter a lot of her own values, and to question those of our Barbie-centric society. BTW, it's not a kid's video. corey

My mother was adamantly anti-Barbie, and all I received as gifts went right back to the store. It was very traumatic for me and I was always embarrassed when the giver would inquire about how I was enjoying the Barbie. I also felt really alientated from my peers who all had them - something that your daughter might not experience given where she is growing up. And despite my mom's intention to salvage my body-image by keeping Barbie out of our house, I still grew up, and still struggle with, hating my body. Barbie is one tiny facet in a society full of negative messages for women. Don't make a fuss

In your case, I feel that if you have strong feelings about Barbie, I would not yield. I would show tolerance of others by not judging others choice of toys in their homes, but I would not bend at home. A lot of dialogue is required when you take this position, as you have to constantly counteract the images that society gives your child (what could be more american than Mickey Mouse, except Barbie) but it can be done. Just be very open about it. I can't think of anything worse than just saying something is taboo without talking about it. If you feel your position is valid, then you should have good arguments to support it that can help to convince your children, too. Good luck. You can be Barbie-free too.
Disney-free

my oldest (now 6) ended up obsessing about them SO much, and not just a (in retrospect perfectly innocent-seeming) barbie, but one of those mega-slut Brat dolls. oy. after denying her Brat gifts from friends and getting grief for over a year, we finally allowed her to buy one with her allowance. i let her know that i disagreed, but that she could make her own choices. within a week she forgot all about it. now it's nice and quiet in our household. maybe we should all collectively share a barbie or brat doll and pass it around so all our kids can work it out of their systems without lining mattel's pockets.
so why are their heads so freakishly large, anyway?

The girls also have Groovy Girls and baby dolls, but because of the swimming in the tub thing, it seems like the Barbies get a little more attention.

I am very aware that there are body image issues that may come up as the girls get older, but I have decided as a parent to try and lighten up as much as I can. I think that putting a ban on particular toys gives them incredible appeal. We'll see what happens when they decide they need a gun!! Joan

The Barbie phase is so short-lived anyway. I say go with it! Lessons about body image and ''different kinds of pretty'' can be taught elsewhere. OK With Barbie

My own daughter got a Barbie and I found a kit of Barbie clothes you could cut out and make. So her doll was much better clothed than mine. She made houses in shoe boxes, sheets from hankies, and she had several of the smaller dolls in the Barbie line. She grew out of them and went on to run track, horseback ride, work at a battered women’s shelter, and go to college.

Barbie is what you make of her. So are the Disney princesses. You are a much bigger influence than a doll. My daughter also had the American girl doll and rather than pick a blonde blue eyed doll like herself, she picked a dark haired, dark eyed, glasses-wearing doll - like me.

Where is the evidence that the ''Barbie Thang'' ALONE will ''ruin'' our daughters? Don't we all know by now that it it's not just the toys that make us who we are?

For the record: Me and my two sisters LOVED Barbies. We are happy, educated, healthy women who certainly have never used a 10-inch plastic doll as our role model for anything.
Look at the BIG Picture

That said, I do understand parents not wanting to expose their kids to Barbies for these reasons...my friend didn't want her daughter to have one, and every time a birthday came her daughter would ask us to get her a Barbie. Finally her baby sitter got her one, and she was happy.....I think now she has gotten over her Barbie fixation and on to other things. Similarly my daughter enjoyed playing with Barbie and now really doesn't so much anymore. I guess what I'm saying is that it's up to you for the broader political reasons, but as far as your individual child, I would agree with your husband's ''no harm done'' attitude. anon

I have decided that barbie is at least better than all the princesses, so while I tell her NO on most of the princess stuff, which is EVERYWHERE (books, clothing, movies, toys everything). I figure barbie isn't always being rescued, my daughter plays with her in the context of her own life (not with a very prescribed story around it). It isn't perfect but it works for me so far. Anon

THAT is why I don't say no.
A feminist who is not afraid of Barbie

My 4-year-old really wants a Barbie

My 4 y.o. daughter told me the other day that she really wanted a Barbie Rapunzel. She happened to see it in Target and advertised in the paper. Up until now, we have been a Barbie-free household because quite frankly, Barbies drive me crazy (the whole thing about it being a false ideal of a woman, the high heels, etc.). And I would prefer to remain that way. But my daughter is now getting into the ''pretty'' thing. This includes other ''princesses'', all Disney of course. And this is WITHOUT us owning a single video and without her having seen most of those types of movies ever. She must pick it up from preschool or something.

ANYWAY, I know some of this is developmental. But I'd really love to get some thoughtful insights and advice from people who have gone through this with their daughters and how they came to decide Barbie or no Barbies. Dont' just tell me to ''chill'' because that will not be helpful to me. In the end, I just may end up ''chillin''', but right now, I'm looking for some good guidance so I can make up my own mind! Thanks a lot. Hilary

The event that made me shift my thinking was a visit to a friends house who has two older girls and many, many Barbies (I will warn you that if you do go the Barbie route, they tend to multiply quickly). For the girls who lived there, they were no big deal; the dolls had been tossed into toy bins, and were clearly just part of the landscape. My daughter went around their house, finding all the Barbies, and carried them around in her arms. She had about 7 of them bundled up, and lugged them around for quite some time.

In seeing her, I remembered more about what it was like to be little and grow up in a Barbie free home. My best friend had Barbies, and I didn't; as a result, there was something very mysterious and attractive about them, and the fact that my mother was against them added to the interest. As a teenager, I definitely went through all the lookist stuff many do, and a phase of dressing/trying to look like a version of Barbie (I'm not saying I succeeded, I'm just saying I tried). This was despite the fact that I never owned a Barbie.

Barbie to me has become a symbol of what we hate about lookist culture. I decided it was far more important to have them not be forbidded fruit, but talk about them more. We've talked about that Barbies feet would make it hard for her to run, that real people don't look like Barbie, that Barbie's clothes are fancy, but hard to play in. We've also talked about why Eric the prince didn't become a Mer-man in The Little Mermaid instead of the other way around, to give you a sense for where we went on the Disney Decision. My take on things was to have little bits of them, as they are a part of our culture, but talk about what they mean, and how we feel about them. It's nigh on impossible to block exposure to these things once your kids hit pre-school, and school.

Bottom line, I have an almost 6 year old daughter (and a 5 month old daughter), and yes, we now have Barbies in our house. After a brief obsession, she's no longer as big of a deal, but does get played with on occasion. I have at least one friend who made the decision to be Barbie-free, and we put the Barbies away unless they're asked for when her daughter comes to visit out of respect for her decision.

Good luck to you! Carrie

That Christmas, Santa delivered two Barbies and a house (we got two Barbies so she could social play rather than just dressing the doll up). She played and we cringed.

When she was about seven or eight, the Barbies became extremely passe and were rarely used except as bath toys. :-) When our younger daughter was born, virtually the same pattern: Barbies at four, passe by seven or eight, then bath toys (and ultimately, the trash).

So, while I don't recommend ''chilling'' per se, I would recommend grinning and bearing. Oh, and if you do have Barbies in the house, watch out for the shoes. They're deadly when you step on them. :-) kzmckeown

Of course, you may not think that an Army Barbie is appropriate either, but the point is that my husband has decided for every pretty and passive Barbie figure she receives/demands, he will also find her a strong professional Barbie, preferably non- white. Barbie has dabbled in a surprising number of professions, including astronaut, pediatrician, race car driver, art teacher, basketball player, and olympic gymnast. We will give her Rapunzel if she wants it, but at the same time she'll be getting ''Spanish Teacher Barbie'' - Latina model. Who she plays with is totally up to her. -PJ

Before I had my daughter I said I'd never buy her a Barbie, but now that I have her, and know her and repect her individual personality, I now feel that while I don't need to 'encourage' a like of Barbie, I also don't need to DIScourage it. I figure she'll like what she likes, even if it's only a phase/fad type thing. As far as the female self-image aspect goes, I agree that Barbie dolls tend to send the wrong message, but I think we should give ourselves as Moms (and Dads for that matter; Dads can make or break a girls self-esteem!) more credit. I think if WE, as our daughter's (REAL) female role models, make an effort to make them feel good about themselves no matter what their particular body type, that's all that will matter. I certainly hope my daughter will ultimately take what I tell her to heart over whatever impression she gets from a plastic doll toy! Jennifer

And/or, maybe you could ask her why exactly she wants Barbie. For me, Barbie was all about creating clothes for her... I remember a particularly spectacular evening gown I created from toilet paper... Perhaps my interest could have been sated by some other toy -- paper dolls, etc... If you could understand how your daughter wishes to play with the doll, then you might be able to find an alternative that makes both you and her happy.

Good Luck. Connellan

The only play I remember doing with the Barbies was getting them to make out with the Kens, or better yet, the GI Joes, who could bend their elbows and wrists and are therefore superior in the clinch.

I grew into a dyed-in-the-wool feminist who likes to sew and kiss. Coincidence? Letitia

My daughter enjoys all her Barbies but is not obsessed with them. She shares them with other kids who also have/like Barbies and it's actually nice to see them play Barbies together. I guess what I'm saying is that sooner or later kids will all likely be exposed to Barbies, so just make sure you also expose them to other fun toys, and that they learn something, such as sharing and taking good care of each other's toys, from Barbies. Chris

My son was obsessed with guns (which I objected to more than Barbies). His obsession with having a toy gun was so great that I became concerned. Finally, in desperation, I gave in and told him I would buy him a gun. I never did, but telling him I would ended the obsession. I did buy him one of those military sets with trucks, tanks, and soldiers. Like the Barbies, they are packed away in their box, forgotten in the closet.

Oh! ... and the worse thing that happened during the Barbie Period was that I had to play barbies with her sometimes. P.S. Does this logic apply to Game Boys? :-) Anon

Now that I have an almost 3yo daughter, I am definitely going to try to steer clear of Barbie for as long as possible (forever?) I think the poster who suggested the Madeline dolls was right on. I much prefer my daughter to go from playing with baby dolls, to playing with little girl dolls. It's going to be a long time until she is a grown woman, so I'm in no hurry for her to start trying to relate with/as one. If your daughter really wants an older looking doll, I was in Rockridge Kids recently and they have dolls I think were called the ''Get Real Girls'' or something like that who seemed like a much better image to present to a young girl. They also had Madleine and another little girl doll I can't recall specifically. Good luck and stick to your principles if that's what you decide. Elizabeth

The attraction to the princess stories does seem developmental since so many of her friends are highly drawn to these images as well. The princess archtype is potentially a powerful image worth exploring. However, the Disney princess stories are narrow and one-dimentional, and it would be sad if Disney was the only interpretation your child is exposed to. We have found many fun and fascinating princess books at the library and bookstore, with significantly more substantial characters than Disney ever represents.

So I would say that the silver-lining to all the negative images my daughter is and will continue to be exposed to, is that we get to start having a conversation about gender that will continue for years to come, that hopefully will enable her to put into perspective what she sees and experiences and to address it competently. Diana Press

Anyway, someone just gave us a ''Get Real'' doll. Same size as Barbie, available in a variety of skin colors, etc. Each doll has her identity ... Corey is a swimmer who goes to Costa Rica, Keisha plays basketball, Gabi is a soccer player, etc. The website is http://www.getrealgirl.com/. Apparently they are available at Target.

So they have long hair, but small breasts, long legs, but flat feet. They are also seriously buff. The muscles show. And fully articulated joints. Corey was given to us at a birthbay party. That afternoon, my girls were playing with her. ''Whew, I just finished my triathalon.''

I would guess that all the barbie clothes fit too, so you can have all that fun dressing up that kids love. And even Barbie has an archeologist outfit! (Complete with hot pants.) meghan

Several experiences changed my thinking: once my daughter started asking for Barbie and I said ''no'' it was the only thing she would play with at her friends house (this friend had only one Barbie). The ''no'' in this case made Barbie more desirable than other toys with which she normally played. Once I got her one (bowling Barbie, at least she was doing something) she re-gained perspective and no longer cared about Barbie. Next, came the friend whose mother forbid Barbie until she was 6 years old. One day she showed up from school with a Barbie in her backpack which she said she borrowed. It turns out she stole the Barbie from another girl because she so desparately wanted one.

Finally, I look at my girls, and they love good books, storytapes, art, Legos, Lincoln logs, trampolining, trapeze tricks, making potions, fairies, baby dolls, American girls, stuffies, numbers, puzzles, nature explorations, silly potty talk, King Arthur, Greek mythology, archery and so forth.

Barbie play is very small in their world because we offer them so many other opportunities. Barbie is not the role model, we are. Truthfully, I don't feed the interest with other Barbie stuff-houses, cars, backpacks. I ask my family (grandma, etc) not to give it as gifts. I keep the Barbies put away until someone asks. I have discussed how Barbie looks like no women we know and how does she walk on her toes like that??? Anyway, I can live with this and it works. Good Luck! I know this is a challenging one. Mary

As an adult, I do find Barbies offensive because of their unrealistic bodies and emphasis on looks (especially on being blonde and blue-eyed). If I hadn't had the childhood experience of not having a Barbie, I'd be reluctant to allow my little girl one if I had a little girl. But I think I absorbed society's unrealistic body image and emphasis on looks anyway, from TV and movies and magazines and even Grimm's fairy tales (Cinderella was beautiful and good; the stepsisters were ugly and bad). So I don't think forbidding Barbies accomplishes the goal of protecting girls from that stereotypical ideal, and it sure made me feel like a misfit not to be in the Barbie club! Hannah

My niece who is now 14 went through a ''bride'' stage at about 3- 5yrs. EVERYTHING had to be princess or bride, at home and in public (my sister-in-law got married in jeans and a black sweater)!

My point is....I don't think any toy obsession is damaging or is goin to last unless it's denied.

To make a comparison,one my boys was heavily into Pokemon a few years ago when Pokemon was really a big thing....he had cards, games, toys...the kids traded cards, they knew all the characters and who they evolved to..Now the cards and paraphanelia are on the shelf. My guys like the various trading cards....Digimon, Dragonball-Z, etc (I'm lucky if I can spell the names) in moderation. The same boy was also into Thomas the Tank Engine and dinosaurs with the same intensity at an earlier age.

Game boy.....also when it was new was much more attractive. When they get a new game, which they have to buy with their allowance money, they spend a lot more time on it initially and then tire of the frequency. So that's the perspective from a mom of boys. June