Berkeley Parents Network: Why Am I So Unhappy?

Berkeley Parents Network

Why Am I So Unhappy?

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Parenting, Families, & the Community > Why Am I So Unhappy?

Nov 2003

I am not sure if I’m looking for advice, a recommendation or just an outlet for what I’m going through. I have, what would appear on the outside, such a great life. I have a loving husband, a wonderful house and an absolutely adorable son whom I adore with all my heart. Why am I so unhappy? I feel so trapped in a life that is not what I want. And, part of the problem, is I don’t really know what I want. I guess I thought that I would have accomplished so much more with my life than I have. I am depressed almost all the time. I want to sleep all the time. I feel like I’m sleepwalking through every day. The only thing that makes me happy is being with my son - I want to be with him all the time. But, I’m starting to feel like I am unworthy of my son who is so full of life and energy. I have no energy for him. We are strapped for money, mortgaged to the hilt and I have to work full time when I’d rather be with him. But, I almost feel he is better off in preschool without me because even if I was home with him, would it be any better for him? Would I be any better or would I just continue to be depressed and have a negative impact on him? Now I’m looking for work again and I cannot muster even the slightest desire to find it, even though I know we absolutely need me to work in order for us to just pay the bills. I would love to see a therapist, but we have no extra money to spend on one and I hate taking any time away from my time with my son. I feel completely selfish and childish for feeling this way when I know so many people are much worse off. I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me that I can be so completely unhappy when I really shouldn’t be. I don’t know what kind of advise anyone can offer. I just didn’t know where else to turn. I have great friends, but have a hard time talking about this with them (and my husband) because my unhappiness seems so unreasonable. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. anon

First, you should know that what you are going through is definitely depression AND that many, many women (and men) go through bouts of depression for weeks, months, or years. So, please don't feel alone.

Secondly, there are some excellent free or sliding scale services in Alameda County. Check the following website:

http://www.berkeleyfreeclinic.org/download/COunseling%20update%202.pdf for specific information, phone numbers, and contacts. Another place to check would be your local church, synagogue, or mosque. Even if you are not a current member, if you go into a rabbi, priest, or imam, they would be unlikely to turn you away. Generally, there are peer support groups in religious communities that are free and confidential.

As for taking time away from your son by seeking therapy - try to think of therapy as a way for you to be a better parent. It will increase your sense of self and therefore, your confidence in raising your son the way you want to. Think of the time you are unhappy now, while you are with him. Wouldn't you rather take an hour a week to turn this time into time you feel is well spent?

I'm sure your son loves you just the way you are. It sounds like you are a very caring and loving mother. But you need to take care of yourself and work through the important issues that are causing you confusion, sadness, and lack of energy. Also, you may have a chemical imbalance that can be treated through a variety of methods (not necessarily pharmaceuticals) and this could very well turn things around for you.

You have the right idea - talking about this to other people is a great start. Don't stop now! anon

You sound clinically depressed, but I am not a doctor, and I encourage you to at least talk to your GP about this. Many health plans include mental health benefits, and will pay for a therapist, at least for a few sessions. You may need meds, and that is not an inherently bad thing. You may need more exercise, a different diet, something, but until you talk to a professional about it, things may only get worse. I think it's OK to be selfish in this, you want to be there completely and contentedly for your family, and might need help to get there. Donna

You really need to find a therapist. As much as you want to be with your son every free moment, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Your son will be happy with a happier mommy. There are plenty of therapists who will negotiate a sliding scale with you.

I would also suggest trying Bach Flower Essences. You can read about them at Whole Foods or at Vitamin Express (Shattuck and Rose). They might help your state of mind. Good Luck. anon

Please, please see a therapist or a doctor. If you have a limited income, there are many places where fees are determined on a sliding scale, and are very reasonable for lower-income families. If you have good health insurance, it might pay for some therapy and/or antidepressants. But what you describe sounds like absolutely classic depression (which is a physical illness, not a case of your being ''unworthy''), and you need help. If nothing else, talk to your primary care physician and get a doctor's advice about the problem. Karen

It sounds like you have a lot weighing you down. I have been reading a lot about depression lately and it sounds like you may be suffering from that. Maybe you should see a counsellor to help you figure it out. Besides that, be completely honest with your husband about how you feel. Perhaps there is a way that you can ease your financial burden and give yourself some more options. It sounds to me as if you have built a lifestyle that you are not that happy about. As far as being at home with your child full time, until you feel better about yourself it won't make you happier. In fact, I think that being at home can be very isolating if you don't put a lot of effort into getting out and joining activities. Good luck. Joan

First -- I think most of what you feel is very normal. But this is my advice: you say you have a huge mortgage and that you want to spend time with your son. You should sell your house - take advantage of the market and cash out! Then buy someplace much cheaper, or rent. And you should quit your job and do what you want: be with your child! I bet everyone would be happier. Your child deserves you! And you deserve to be happy! anon

Hey there- Do you think you may want to stay home full time and raise your son? If so, and if your husband is wonderful, don't worry about sitting down and talking to him about it - he'll probably understand and be open to doing what you guys need to do to make that happen, even if it means moving. I'm sure HE wants you to be happy, and probably senses you're not.

I was working part time from home and had a nanny come in to help out when I had to work. It wasn't my ideal, but we ''needed'' the money. I always wanted to stay home. She was wonderful and like a grandmother to our son, but I still felt bad. 3 months after she started, my company shut down their West Coast operation and though I looked for an interviewed in other jobs for which I was qualified, none of them panned out which I believe (due to my religious faith) was no accident. We had no idea how we would live on only my husband's income, since it was less than half of what we were taking in, but we managed. We did even talk about moving, but in the end, due to the lovely refinancing rates, didn't have to. We re-organized our lives, and though are very tight on money, have never been happier.

Just to ice my cake, in a weird way, 2 months after I became a full time mother, my son got the flu and had a seizure from the dehydration. We were at the hospital most of the day having tests run on him, and he wanted nothing but mommy all day. He loves his dad and his dad is VERY involved, but he just wanted his mom. As we sat there throughout the day, we talked about how it just really cemented that what we were doing was right, and how we would have felt getting a call from a nanny or a day care to tell us our son had gone into the ER. (He seemed to have been on the mend for a day the morning it happened, but the docs said this sometimes happens)

So perhaps this is what is bothering you? How you feel is totally OK, what you do about it next is up to you. Susan

I really feel for you, all the more so because I do not think you are alone in your feelings. I think many women experience these feelings off and on but feel so guilty about having them that they are unable to express them or to know how to begin to alleviate them.

First of all, you sound like you are a very caring and good parent, so you deserve tremendous credit for that. It also sounds like you could use an outlet for yourself--a realm in which you can feel good about yourself apart from being a wife/mother. Although you say that you do not wish to burden your friends and husband with your feelings, they are the cheapest (and best!) form of therapy. It seems very important that you open up with them to get some support. Do you fear rejection? Do you think you will be thought less of because of these feelings? Perhaps you have a standard for yourself that is perfectionistic and not reasonable. You also sound very torn--that on one hand you should be advancing your career for financial reasons, but on the other hand you really enjoy being a mother.

I can understand how looking for work sounds depressing when perhaps it is not what you really want. Is there anyway for you 1) to accept that perhaps you are not interested in advancing your career as you think you should be and 2) can work part- time so you can spend more time with your child? If you really need to work full-time, perhaps some career counseling could be useful. Could you be having a bit of a mid-life crisis? It really seems that you are judging yourself very harshly, that you think that you should want other than what you have and yet what you have actually might be what you want. It might be helpful to find a way to explore what you think you should have accomplished by now as well as where that might be coming from. Perhaps you could find a support group through a church or other organization that would not cost you any money. In order to find some joy in your l! ife, and to help you address the question of ''what DO I want?'', think back to what you have enjoyed doing in the past (pre-child--perhaps even pre- marriage). What were your hobbies/interests? Is there some way for you to get plugged into something you enjoy doing? To help you with the depression, if you are not doing so already, I would also suggest some kind of do-able exercise--maybe you can incorporate walking with a friend with talking about how you are feeling right now. It is a known fact that endorphins help combat depression.

I have gone through feelings very simlar to yours--especially around the time when I turned 40 and realized that my life was sort of ''set'' in place. I had to accept that it was okay that I had not written a novel or published a scholarly paper or sat on a board or made a 6-digit income. Our culture puts terrible pressures on us all. Sometimes I think we have all the ingredients to be happy, but we don't know it because it does not fit the American ideal of what we think it should be, and that is sad. I hope you can find the answers to your questions. You certainly are not alone. Been there

I remember feeling that way after I had my son. Consider reading a book that's helped me called ''The Purpose-Filled Life''. It gave me a lot of direction. Try networking with other moms, you'd be surprised that they can be a great resource and release. Anonymous

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. I don't have children (yet - due soon), but have also struggled over the last 5 years or so with ''my life is so great - why am I not happy?'' and ''what do I really want in my life''. I believe I have a lot to be grateful for, yet am really missing some direction and fulfillment...which sounds so pop-psychology it makes me queasy, but its true.

I read a book recently that helped me think through a lot of my issues with what I want from life -- wish I could say it was a magic bullet, but I don't think there are any. Its called ''I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was'' by Barbara Sher. She works from the premise that you have a lot to offer and are inherently talented at something (even if you don't think so) and are totally capable of having any kind of life you want; the only trick is to find what you really want (she helps with that) and how to go about achieving it. Idea is that if you apply yourself and find the help you need, you can get there. Its pretty concrete too - not just touchy-feely stuff. I found the book really enlightening, and enjoyed the website/bulletin boards the author set up for discussion. I'm taking a detour right now - got pregnant before I could really focus on finding the career I reall! y want - but still think this book helped me a lot, and the site is FILLED with supportive people who've been (or are) where you are, no matter what your goal or present situation. I wish you luck! Rebecca

It sounds like you have several symptoms of serious depression. I would seek out a psychiatrist (who can prescribe drugs) at once. I have struggled with this disease for two decades and was terrified about its effect on my now 1 year old baby. A combination of medication and talk therapy has helped me enormously, and i'm sure it willhelp you too - specifically about feeling not good enough for your baby. You are the best thing that's ever happened to him, and a good doctor and the right meds can help you realize that. I took an SSRI through my pregnancy and continue to use it while breastfeeding with no ill effects for the baby, so please don't let that be a deterrent. As for the cost, if you have health insurance, there's probably a way for you to be covered. I have had a great deal of experience getting therapy paid for by a variety of insurance plans who clai! med it wasn't covered. If you would like me to help you out with this, just let me know. Please don't give up. trumbore

It definitely sounds like you are depressed and should treat this as the medical condition that it is. That being said, it might help for you to believe and remember the following: 1) you have plenty more time to accomplish things in your life; while your kids are very young is not necessarily the best time to be ''accomplishing'' a lot of other stuff. So cut yourself some slack on this. 2) It is not selfish or childish to have the feelings you do. You didn't choose to have those feelings. And the poorest and most unfortunate in the world are not the only ones who have the right to be legitimately unhappy. Judging yourself for having your feelings is only adding to your unhappiness. 3) It is clear that however wonderful your situation is in many ways, you are not getting certain fundamental needs met. Somehow through your job, fr! iends, husband, family, other activities you are not getting the enjoyment, validation, sense of purpose/accomplishment that we all need. I'm not sure what the answer is for you. For me, when I found myself in a similar situation after about 9 months of unemployment I decided to get involved in a cause or organization that I believed in. For me, volunteering helped a lot. So did eventually finding a good job with a very supportive boss who makes me feel valued and appreciated. Other things might be finding an activity that brings you joy (extra bonus points if it is active and helps you get some exercise) and making time for the people in your life that help you feel valued and special. Good luck! Frances

Oh my dear, you do sound very unhappy. In fact, depressed. My partner has suffered from depression for years, and you should know that it is NOT a ''character flaw'', but an illness. I think most research shows that a combination of medication (carefully selected for yuor own needs) and talk therapy are most helpful for people with depression. This has helped my partner immensely. Do you have any insurance? Even if you can't see a specialist (psychiatrist), at least talk to your doctor. Even if it means taking some time off from work, or from your time with your child, it is worth it to be yourself again. If you don't have a personal doctor, there must be social service agencies that can help you find low-cost care (though unfortunately, that often means a long wait). I'm afraid I don't know the specifics of that; maybe another poster will.

You won't necessarily needs medicine forever (though many people do), but even a while on it can help you see past the never-ending unhappiness and address whatever ''life issues'' might be adding to your depression. Remember you are not alone. Wishing you the best. anon.

your email brought tears to my eyes. i don't have any real concrete advice (hopefully others will) but i just wanted to write with support for what you are going through. you aren't alone-- i know there are a lot of people in the same boat-- i'm in and out of it myself-- and you are doing A LOT. just being a mom is huge, and working full-time on top of that is double and triple huge. regardless of who else you know who pulls it off seemingly effortlessly, i know it is super hard. you do not have enough time to nourish your own self and spirit, let alone cultivate friendships and spend the time you deserve with your son. so just know that you are in a hard place, and give yourself a big hug just for coming this far and for reaching out for support. i don't know what to suggest besides therapy-- i do think there are some group therapies that may be free or lower cost, maybe even t! hrough kaiser? or maybe someone here or on another website knows.... also i find browsing the self-help or spiritual sections in bookstores sometimes is helpful for me. as for taking a little time away from your son for these things-- it is tough but may help you be a better mom in the long run. try doing things that lift your spirit with him-- go on a picnic at the marina. or if there is something you can do after his bedtime or take an hour off of work instead.... i know it is hard to reach out to others when you are depressed, but i do know that if there's any way to do that, it can be a salvation. also praying, however to whatever or whoever, for guidance on your path.... mostly i just wanted to send you much strength (which you clearly already have) and good loving thoughts. you can do it. good luck. anon

I'm really replying to three posts: Feeling Trapped/Unhappy, Isolated Single mom, and Getting Over Having Baby. They really are all part of the same problem as I see it. Having spent so many years wanting a child then finally adopting. Now realizing that my life before the kid was really good, if I'd only been able to see that then. Feeling priced out of the Bay Area Housing Market and frustrated with living in a small apartment. All and all: it's difficult being a parent, all the more so in our modern disconnected society, yet that's what we all somehow dream will make us finally feel fulfilled. I don't think many of us really can have it all, at least not in the Bay Area. -Considering Relocation

I don't know what to tell you to make you happy, but I do know that you shouldn't be ashamed of feeling the way you do, or discount your needs because you think others may have it worse. You sound to me like a caring and considerate person who loves her family very much. You deserve to explore all the reasons for your unhappiness and all the options at your disposal until you find a way to be happier. I also used to feel very trapped and pretty unhappy in similar circumstances. I wanted to quit my job to be home with my new baby; my husband had a lot of anxiety about what it would mean for our finances, but finally I made the break and we are spending some of our savings for a while, which might not be the smartest thing but I'm so much happier. In the end, when my husband saw how unhappy I was becoming, he was supportive. I'm getting some part-time consulting work! to help out a little, and we've reduced our expenses. If need be, we have agreed we will move to a smaller house to reduce our mortgage. Some of these things may not be options for you, but the specifics aside, you need to be able to see that there are options available to you. One thing I did when I was feeling really trapped is I wrote down every option I could think of, even ones that were undesirable or seemingly outlandish, like sell our house, or borrow money from parents. At first, not working at all seemed outlandish and unrealistic, but then as I kept making the list and asking myself ''how bad would it really be if we...(sold the house, had only one car, etc)?'' I realized that the most important thing was that I we were happy as a family and provided a healthy emotional environment for our daughter, and the rest of it would just have to work itself out. And I persisted in talking to my husband about it even thou! gh he was uncomfortable and anxious. Not working may not be your answer, but committing to understanding and pursuing your highest priorities should show the way to some change. Ultimately, I guess all I'm saying is you deserve to be happy and the guilt you feel about being unhappy is wasted energy. Spend that energy instead finding solutions, large and small, and talking to your husband about what you're feeling and asking for his emotional support. I'm so glad I did. You will find your way through this.

PS, there was an article in the NY Times magazine a couple of weeks ago called The Opt-Out Revolution which might interest you. Been there, wishing for better for you

Dear anon, My heart goes out to you and I can't say this strongly enough....you MUST make the time and find a way to get some counseling at this time. All the feelings you have are what most of us mothers have or are struggling with so much of the time. You are so not alone. But you do sound, as you wrote, depressed and the best of us need help sometimes. This is your time. With help and support you can climb out of the overwhelmed pit you're in. You didn't mention the age of your son, but it may be postpartum depression. I struggled with it for a while and abslutely needed help, Now life gets overwhelming sometimes, but I have the tools to pull back into myself and recover and the strength to find peace again. If you have health insurance, then counseling services are probably available to you through that. My husband and I are getting marraige counseling right now through our insurance. If you don't, then although I don't know them off hand, I'm sure there are some low cost resources out there.

Go to your doctor or clinic and talk to them about how you feel. One of the most important lessons I've learned in motherhood is that we absolutely have to stop the world sometimes to take care of ourselves. It's not selfish in the slightest. It's truly what we have to do. Hang in there. Life can look much brighter. Good luck in you journey. anon

I wish that I had some great advice for you. Mainly I can just tell you that you are not alone. I feel like a hampster on a wheel, mainly because we have to work so hard to stay afloat in this crazy expensive area. What about looking into some low cost therapy or finding some free/low cost activities? This site is great for finding both. It sounds like you are not working so I was wondering if you could set aside some time every week where you keep your son out of preschool and the two of you do something together. Getting out and enjoying time with him may lift your spirits enough that you can have more energy for your job search and other stuff. I started taking off work early on Fridays to take my son to a free music class with a girlfriend and her kids and just that little outing lifts my spirits for the weekend. For me, when I feel super trapped and depressed, setting one small, manageable goal per week helps to break the cycle--rather than setting up a long, unrealistic list (''exercise regularly, join a club, meet two new friends, etc). When you meet that one goal hopefully you will get enough strength to add a second one and build on success. Also frequently trapped

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you need some help but might not know where or how to find it. Start with your doctor. Your regular M.D. Tell him or her what you are feeling, and listen to the advice. Most doctors will be very understanding and assist you in getting the help you need to feel better. It sounds, too, like you need to talk with your husband. if you are that strapped for cash because of a mortgage, perhaps you need to reevaluate things. Or perhaps you could take a short time off to help yourself through the difficult waters, then get back to work refreshed. Don't disregard therapy. It may really help you get some perspective on your life and what you have accomplished so far and how you can achieve what you want to do next. ! But most important, don't ever think your son would be better off without you. He needs you. And he needs you to get the help you need so that you can be there for him. I send my prayers to you. I was there once too

Dear Trapped & Unhappy: So ... You're tired, broke & would rather frolic in the park with your beautiful little boy than slave away in a cubicle somewhere? You work 24/7 for the most high-energy, demanding, unreasonable, temperamental & unpredictable ''boss'' EVER, with no vacations or breaks & feel dissatisfied? You spend all your ''free time'' engaged in a perpetual & futile war against the evil forces of chaos & entropy (also known as housework) & at the end of the day feel you haven't accomplished anything? And you think there's something WRONG with you for not loving this life, when you could be earning a paycheck like a real person? Heh. Sounds pretty normal to me! :^)

Alas, ''normal'' for first-time, stay-at-home-moms with young children these days can often mean ''depressed.'' We're often alone all day because our partners work long hours, our families live far away, & our friends all have jobs & we can't talk with them anyway because they think we have no right to complain when their biological clocks keep ticking & they haven't even found a partner yet & will never be able to afford a house around here. Oh, & by the way, you don't just ''feel like'' you're ''sleepwalking,'' you ARE sleepwalking! Sleep deprivation does that to you. Why else do you think human rights organizations define it as a form of torture? There's nothing ''wrong'' with you as a person or as a mother. The reason your son is so ''adorable'' & so ''full of life & energy'' is because you're a loving mom who basically enjoys mothering. But you do sound awfully depressed & really do need to take care of yourself. Depression isn't some fake, trendy disease for wimpy whiners & folks who watch Oprah. It's a serious but entirely treatable illness & people who feel for whatever reason that they should be able to deal with it themselves without resorting to therapy suffer needlessly. For what it's worth, here are my scattered thoughts:

(1) PUT THE JOB SEARCH ON HOLD FOR NOW: To hell with money. Sure, it sucks being broke, but some things, like you & your family's well-being, are way more important. Financial worries can really distort things, especially when you're feeling depressed. If you've managed to survive on one income until now, maybe you can squeak by a little longer so you can sort things out. A job might not even help your financial situation much, since working outside of the home can prove quite expensive in terms of commuting costs, daycare, tax liability, added stress, etc.

(2) DO TALK TO A THERAPIST: A therapist can help you talk things out, see things more clearly & help you find ways to cope. They can also prescribe medications, & although it's not for everyone, I must admit that Prozac has helped me a LOT. I haven't undergone a magical transformation from a sloppy, moody, hyperactive art chick with a bad attitude to a cheerful, orderly Stepford wife. But it sure does take the edge off things so I have a little mental space for keeping things in perspective & deflecting those corrosive, negative thoughts. And my ability to communicate my feelings in a constructive way, know my limits & solve problems has improved greatly as a result of seeing a therapist.

Most health insurance plans offer mental health benefits. If you don't have insurance, there are sliding scale programs & teaching hospitals that offer affordable options. Since finding a therapist & navigating the health system can prove overwhelming, I also recommend having your partner or a trusted friend sit down with you for moral support & to help you stay on task with your researching & phone calls, etc. The logistics of keeping appointments are challenging, but do- able. I try to schedule appointments for when my husband can stay with my daughter or after school when I can hire a reasonably-priced teenaged sitter (who can either stay at my house with my daughter or come along & play with my daughter in a nearby park). I also often wind up taking my daughter with me for appointments & my psychiatrist, therapist & the office staff are really cool about that. Although this isn't ideal, it's better than not going at all.

(3) GET OUT OF THE HOUSE & MEET OTHER MOMS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD: No matter what kind of social circles you moved in before, you ABSOLUTELY NEED mommy friends with kids who are about your child's age. One cool mommy friend with whom you can visit, plan outings, trade favors, laugh with & talk about pretty much *any*thing can make a world of difference. Even more casual friendships with other moms with kids of similar ages can make your life much more fun. Eventually, you & the mom you keep seeing at the park will take turns watching the little ones while the other one sneaks off to grab a couple cups of coffee or actually use the restroom ALONE. Finally, the day will come when one of your mommy friends drops by during one of those dreaded late afternoons that drag on & on & the two of you enjoy adult conversation & a nice glass of wine or cup of tea while the little monsters trash the living ! room. From that point on, everything somehow gets much better. It's hard to drag your sorry a** out of the house, take your child to the park or library or wherever stay-at-home parents hang out, strike up conversations, exchange phone numbers & call people up for outings & play dates when you feel so horrible you want to crawl under a rock & die. It was even hard for me, & I'm an extremely extraverted person. But the effort is well worth it. I've made some wonderful new friends & I didn't know a single one of them when I first moved here a couple of years ago. And now I can enjoy hanging out with friends from my previous life without wishing they understood what I'm going through.

If you're scared of rejection, try to remember that most new moms feel isolated & enjoy being invited to do things (even if they can't go or have trouble getting out of the house) & also feel shy about reaching out.

(4) LIVE CHEAP, LIVE WELL (SORT OF): Some moms really need to work outside of the home for personal as well as financial reasons. But going back to work often feels conflicted & wrenching even for women who totally love their jobs, have strong career ambitions, AND really need the money in order to pay the rent & put food on the table. In your situation, I think going back to work would stress you out & make you more unhappy. I would sit down with your husband to work out a budget & cut as many corners as possible so you can afford to stay home. Do you really need Cable TV? Or to buy books instead of borrowing from the library? Or new clothes, toys, housewares, etc. when you can buy them from a thrift store or yard sale? Can you lower your monthly bills by conserving energy, changing your calling plans, switching insurance providers, etc.? Can your husband brown bag his lunch instead of grabbing! a sandwich from the deli next door? Can you save more on groceries by buying in bulk, taking advantage of sales, etc. Can you buy memberships to museums & facilities you frequent (like SF MOMA, Habitot or Lawrence Hall of Science) so you don't have to pay every time? You'll be amazed at what you can cut back on or do without & still live well. Although rents & mortgages are insanely expensive around here, we're blessed with lots of beautiful parks, good public libraries with fun programs for kids, free or inexpensive events, etc. for grownups as well as kids.

(5) FIND SOME AFFORDABLE PART-TIME DAYCARE: It's good for toddlers & preschoolers to socialize & enjoy activities & learning opportunities within a structured & regular settings. And it's good for you to have some free time that you can count on each week. Options include trading off with another mom, a good home daycare provider in a less expensive neighborhood, a daycare coop, or a coop playgroup are all good options.

(6) SLEEP IN ONCE A WEEK: On Saturday mornings, have Daddy take your son out for a couple hours so they can bond while you catch up on some sleep or burrow under the covers & read.

(7) DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF ON A REGULAR BASIS: You need to re-energize & have something to look forward to every week. It can be something simple but luxurious, like a massage or manicure, or hanging out with the girls, sipping coffee in a cafe while scribbling in your notebook. Or you can take a class. Your local YMCA has lots of exercise & yoga & dance classes & a Child Watch program where you can drop off your son & where he'll have a good time. I've also heard about a Yoga school with Child Watch services. Or you can take inexpensive courses in things that interest you through your local community college or adult education program in the evenings when your husband will (hopefully) be home.

(8) CUT BACK ON HOUSEWORK AND/OR OTHER TASKS YOU HATE OR THAT TAKE AWAY FROM YOUR TIME WITH YOUR CHILD: Your floor doesn't need to be clean enough to eat from -- after all, our kids do need to build up their immunity systems ;^). It's okay to serve macaroni & cheese, peanut butter sandwiches, frozen pizza or pre-prepared skillet meals for dinner sometimes instead of making everything from scratch with fresh, organic ingredients all the time. Try using an online bill-paying service (usually available free or cheap from your bank) to automate some of your payments.

Have your son help you with some tasks. Of course this makes tasks take 10 times as long than doing them yourself, but it'll make household chores way more fun & will pay off down the road. I've been pleasantly surprised to find that a toddler (my daughter is 22 months old) can cut soft fruits & vegetables with a blunt plastic knife, put some types of dishes & utensils in the dishwasher, sweep stuff into your dustpan with a tot- sized broom, pick things up from the floor & toss them into a wastebasket or other container, stir things, transfer spoon or cup fulls of ingredients into a bowl, weed the garden (though they may also pull up plants you want along with the weeds), & wipe off a small spill or stain with a sponge. Our house usually looks like a bomb hit it, but at least my daughter & I have fun & I'm (usually) cheerful but exhausted when my husband comes home.

I think that since many of us moms had successful careers before having kids that we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to achieve an unattainable level of perfection & that we set goals for ourselves in our new roles as homemakers even though we lack the years of housekeeping, cooking, & childcare experience required to set realistic goals. The fact is that 10, 20 & 30 years from now, you & your family will fondly remember good times spent together & meals & experiences shared, not the sparkling cleanliness of your house or the timely handling of your bills & paperwork. I hope this helps! Believe me, I've been there & have (mostly) made it through. And please feel free to email me. if you want or need to chat. Been There, Done That!

Although you've already received many responses to your post, I had to chime in. You describe exactly how I felt when I suffered from clinical depression. I have taken anti- depressants twice (for 6 mo.- 1 yr.) in the last 10 years to combat feelings like the ones you described. I went to talk therapy at the same time. The first time I took medication, I felt very ashamed -- like I had failed or should be able to make myself feel better. All I can say is: I wish I'd done it sooner. I had to lose a job and feel almost physically incapacitated before I took medication. I can't imagine feeling how I felt then and having a child, as I do now. The change with medication was practically instantaneous and seemed miraculous to me at the time. I haven't been on medication for years, and I still have ''issues'' and go to the! rapy, but my outlook is generally positive. I feel hopeful and happy and love my life, even though it's not exactly the way I want it to be. When I was depressed, it wasn't so much that I was sad, as I felt hopeless, disinterested, exhausted and like there was really no point in living. I didn't feel suicidal, but started to understand why someone would want to check out. More than anything, I felt absolutely powerless to change the way I felt. This is not a character issue; it's a mental health issue. Please consider being evaluated for depression! anon

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