• Resources for single child family
• I only want one child
• Coming to peace with one child
• Were you a single child?
• Having a second child

Resources for single child family

We have one wonderful toddler and for a variety of reasons (economic, marriage instability, space, lifestyle to name some), my husband and I are leaning toward not birthing more children. I have read the pros and cons about deciding whether to have more than one child and that is not what this post is about. I am wondering whether there are groups that support having one-child such as playgroups (I am tired of being the only parent of a toddler that is not pregnant and I am tired of being asked when we are having the next one). Also, we would still like our child to have a community of brothers and sisters. Any ideas such as a progressive church, becoming a ''surrogate'' parent to a child from a busy or non-loving family, ''adopt-a-neice or nephew'' programs, etc.? Thank you. anon

Obviously, I don't know just how difficult your relationship with your spouse is, but...if it's really that big of a problem, maybe the best choice for your family would be for the two of you to work on your problems. Keeping your marriage healthy is about the best thing you can do for your kid. If you take care of that, the positive relationship skills you're modeling should help your child learn how to build strong friendships on his or her own. Sara

I only want one child

We(or rather I) are planning on having only one child. I am a 41 year old mother with a wonderful 3 year old child. I had a difficult pregnancy (bed rest), various physical problems, and a collicky baby. So the beginning was hard. However, things are much easier now. We are all doing well as a family. In theory, I would love to provide a sibling for my daughter. I do feel deeply sad that she will not have a sibling - but when I ask myself at night, ''Do I want to do this again?'' The answer is a resounding, ''No.'' My husband would like to have another child and is open and interested in adoption. Even that I don't want to do. As much as I adore our daughter, I don't feel like I have the energy or resources to either give birth to or take care of another child. I feel quite alone in this - almost like there is something wrong with me. I look around me and it seems like everyone either has another child or wants another child. I don't know anyone else who feels like me. I would love to hear from mothers who are HAPPY with their decision to have one child. I don't know anyone who has CHOSEN this path and is happy with their decision to have only one child. mother of an only child

The only reason we'd even consider having another child is to give our daughter a sibling. But I know quite a few people who have never gotten along with their brother or sister. If there's no guarantee that the kids will get along, then that seems to me like a pretty bad reason to bring another person into the world.

I've done a lot of reading on the subject and there is no reason to feel badly about your child being an only...you have to make sure that there are ample opportunities for them to socialize with other kids, but other than that, there's nothing to suggest that they will be harmed in any way by not having a sibling. I've also spoken to MANY only children who had wonderful childhoods, have great relationships with their parents, and no bad feelings about being raised without a brother or a sister.

The people who would give you grief about this choice are thinking about the old-fashioned mythology surrounding being an only-child. I've come across these folks as well and, while it's always hard and annoying to have to explain my decision, I try to just let it roll off my back.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. You want to be the best parent you can for your child - if that means only having one, then that is the best decision you can make on your child's behalf. Good luck!

We were also in our 40s when our first was born, the pregnancy was tough, and the first couple years seemed pretty hard -- wonderful, but hard. We could not decide about having a second: things were just feeling manageable and we were having a great time with our son. More than anything, we felt like we ''owed it'' to him to have another child ... particularly given how old we are, we were concerned about him having close family when he grew up; also, we were concerned about him being lonely growing up alone, and falling into the supposed spoiled only-child syndrome.

We did some research, and found that the studies done seem to show that only children tend to be even a bit happier than those with sibs, and actually do better at stuff like sharing and interacting when they get to school age.

Anyway, nature intervened (our ambivalence led us to be a little lax about birth control), and we now have two. The pregnancy was even tougher, and the next two years were quite trying. Our youngest is a delight and a blessing and enriches our lives enormously. I do not regret having her, not even a little bit. But having a younger sib has been pretty challenging for the eldest (he'd probably say its the worst thing that ever happened) and it seems clear that our lives will be greatly more complicated for the foreseeable future.

So,I would say there is no mistake in doing what feels right to you ... you don't owe it to your child or anyone else to have more.

Hang in there! You're not alone!

I never saw a reason for having more than one child. I had an easy pregnancy, easy childbirth, a non-colicky child, enjoyed her babyhood, but I don't have to relive it through another baby. I never mourned over the end of her babyhood and never had that urge to make another baby whenever I saw another cute one in someone elses carriage. What's nice is that my husband feels the same way, and we've never been concerned about being different from the ''norm.'' My advice: Work this out with your husband, and find out the nature of the source that makes you feel awkward and talk that through. Anonymous

My husband & I have a beatiful 15 month old baby girl & decided long long ago (before we even got pregnant) that we are going to be a one child family. We both come from prertty big families & have siblings. I had a relatively easy pregnancy & birth, so that isn't the reason. I'd like to be able to say it is for political reasons- zero population growth, etc- but that isn't it either. I think for us, it is a combination of the cost of raising a child in the Bay Area, our desire to both have careers, & the time/energy/experiences we want to have for our child. We want to still be able to take vacations, not worry as much about paying for college, have time for ourselves, etc.

Some folks have said that our daughter will be sad/lonely/spoiled/unable to share/maladjusted because she is an only child. The most common argument in favor of a 2nd child is that that children need a sibling to play with, be best friends with, etc. There are lots of ways to build community for your child without having another baby. (Not to mention I know plenty of siblings who don't get along!) One particularly morbid mommy friend worries about our only child dying & how hard that would be on us, plus the fact that an only child will have full responsibility for taking care of us when we are older. Frankly it is annoying & sometimes pisses me off that people try to convince us to have another child- if you want lots of kids, have them yourself & leave us alone!!!

For other persepctives, there are also posts in the archive at: http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/parents/singlechild.html

However, my best advice that I think I could give would be as an adult who grew up an only child. I have to admit that, now, as an adult, I would appreciate having a sibling - but I want to reassure you, I LOOOOOOVED being an only child. I was the center of my parents' world. I felt cherished and loved and I didn't have to vie for their attention. When my mother asked me if I wanted a sibling (she only asked to make sure I wasn't feeling deprived, she wasn't able to have a 2nd and really didn't *want* to have a 2nd child), I told her without hesitation and with absolute certainty that I DID NOT want a sibling and was quite happy to have my mommy all to myself, thank you very much.

Look, there are advantages and disadvantages to both situations for children. There are no guarantees that one will grow up being very close with one's siblings, plus you have to deal with all the rivalry while growing up. It can be very trying for both the parents and the kids (I know from talking to my friends who grew up with siblings). I think that your intuition is correct: your child will be better off an only child with parents that have enough energy to devote to her than she would be with a sibling and exhausted parents. The disadvantage for only children is that it can be harder to fit in in social situations (it *can* be, I've known plenty of only children that had no problems at all in this regard).

My point is, I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. There is no such thing as a perfect situation for a child. As long as you are providing a loving environment, your child will be fine! A happy only child

P.S. My best friend is an only child, and she has a ton of friends and an incredibly active social life. anon

Coming to peace with one child

It seems like everyone of our friends is pregnant again. After a difficult pregnancy and first year, we have decided not to have another child. Most of the time I am fine with this decision (there is a good chance that I wouldn't conceive anyway, health problems and age are only some of the factors here), but every now and then, it feels strange and scary. I am working on coming to terms with this tough decision and was hoping to hear some words of wisdom from parents with one child who have found peace with their decision, instead of regrets.

We are always looking for ways to have our child interact with other children, but in spite of our best efforts he spends a lot of time alone. I feel that in the end we all play the cards we are dealt. We will do our best and I know our child will also. We stay focused on what we are grateful for and allow our feelings to work their way through us. We have rebuilt the story of our future, this time with one child. We are oh so grateful. kj

I think my son will love being an only child. He gets all my attention now and we have a great time together. I really want to take him to Europe and doing that, and things like it, logistically and financially just seemed impossible with another child. I see other moms with two (especially single moms, like me) and I just don't see how I could stand the chaos, being pulled in two directions, how to play with the toddler while the baby is sleeping, etc. (Sure, there are plenty of situations that are harder as a single mom, but then, plenty of moms of 2 have to deal with the kids without the other partner there.)

My son is cherished by my family and without a sibling (or other parent), we still have a big family (with two big dogs and a cat!). I love that he will never lack for attention and love and I will never feel torn in two by having another child.

I have had my 'setbacks,' of course. I was at a friend's house just last weekend. She is a mom of two, and there was a book about being a brother on a table. I shed some tears over the fact that my son will never be a brother. But I really do think I made the best decision for our family. I hope you feel the same way. Take care. Jennie, a Single Mother by Choice

As adults, you get to choose who you spend time with. Children are stuck with each other in a family unit. Neither of our parents dealt with the sibling issues very well, but looking back on it, I am really not sure what they could have done differently. Some people are going to be jealous no matter what a parent does and those same people tend to find favoritism toward others in every action.

So, I am here to say that if you feel one child is all you are prepared to handle, please do so comfortably. I truly believe that some of the issues in my family came about due to the stress of too many kids and resultant lack of resources. My husband and I have one wonderful child and neither one of us seriously considered having another mostly because we didn't want our child to experience the misery (and mental abuse) we experienced at the hands of our siblings. Incidentally, we both get along well with our parents, which is not true of either of our siblings. anon

On the other hand I had an interesting experience. A friend of mine asked if we were going to try again. And when I said no for various reasons--some of which were age and how hard it was the first time--her reply was really positive. It turned out that when she was a child her parents tried desperately for years to have another child. And it made her feel like she just wasn't good enough for them. She said that if she had problems having a child that she would happily have one so as to never subject another child to that experience. Have your feelings and enjoy your child--we are all so lucky to have our children. AN

Some of my friends who have 2 children complain about the sibling rivalry. I am glad I do not have to deal with this. Of course, the downside of having one child is that they need and want more of your attention since they don't have a sibling to play with.

There's no easy answer or perfect family situation. The main thing is do what you think is right for your family. And if you're happy, your child will be happy. When people ask me if I'm going to have more children, I say I'm happy with one. Yvonne

Were you a single child?

My husband and I are in the throes of trying to decide whether to have a second child. We have a wonderful, sweet almost-3-year-old daughter whom we love more than anything in the world, but we do feel very stressed and stretched, in terms of time, money, energy, etc. While we love being parents, we also both have very demanding careers (which we also enjoy). And we know that another child will make our lives more hectic, at least in the near future, but our daughter has no extended family her age, so we would very much like for her to have a sibling.

So with all of this, what we're trying to do is to figure out whether having another child would do more to add to the richness of our family's life or just to add to the stress. It would help if we could hear from adults who grew up as single children: did you (or do you now) feel deprived without siblings or did/does your single-child status feel like a way to have particular advantages (e.g., closeness to parents) that you wouldn't have had otherwise? What effects do you think it has had on your ability to make and sustain close relationships? Has being the only child in a family made it particularly difficult to deal with older parents and/or with the death of your parents? And finally, what about your own children -- would you raise another single child, or is it important to you to have more than one?

I know these are all big questions, but they are very important. Knowing more about the experience from the child's point of view will really help us with our decision. Thanks in advance for your help.

Because of this I really want us to have a second child (our little girl is now 19 months). In contrast, my husband is perfectly happy with our daughter and doesn't want to. His concerns are exactly what you described: time, money, exhaustion etc. (Oh, and then he adds, why should his little treasure share her parents with anyone? )

Truth be told, my head tells me that he is correct. He is an assistant professor at Cal and works tons of hours. I'm working full time while we save for a house. Any decent house we buy in the area will require at least 1.5 salaries. Child-care is incredibly expensive. Not to mention private schools. Activities. Vacations. College savings. Makes my head spin. However...I don't care! My heart reminds me of what it was like to grow up with an extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Not to mention my "little sister" who is Godmother to my daughter. If my child doesn't have a sibling, this mean that her kids won't have this extended family (on her maternal side). And what happens when my husband and I are senior citizens and/or are ill? I remind my husband of the guilt he feels living 400 miles from his parents even though he has two sisters living near them. I wouldn't want my daughter to carry that burden alone.

Good luck with this! This is an ongoing debate at our home.

For me, I wish I had a sibling and feel I missed out on this experience...it would be nice to have someone to call a brother or sister, someone who understands how the family is and growing up together. I also feel like when there are parent/family issues, right now I am the only one who can really understand things and wish I had a sibling who knew what I was going through. It places a burden on the only child. In terms of making friends and maintaining closeness with friends, my friends are very important to me and I try my best to sustain friendships during the hectic pace we all have.

My husband and I feel that somehow being an only child prevented us from learning how to get along well and being comfortable with the opposite sex, and both of us didn't have boyfriends/girlfriends until after college. My father died less than 2 months ago, and right now I'm pretty much the only person in our immediate family that is helping my mom. It requires taking off a lot of time from work, getting through all the finances and paperwork with my mom, and it's hard doing it all by myself (w/my husband). I think if one can possibly manage it, people should have at least 2 children, not just one. For my situation (work, finances, housing, our ages), I will have to settle for one, but one is better than none.

One thing to note is my husband felt he wasn't deprived of anything by not having siblings. However, some of his actions today indicate he was quite spoiled by his parents, and when he does certain things today, it shows and now I am the one who has to deal with this and not his parents. If a couple has an only child, spoiling the child and always giving in won't benefit them in the future because it will only make the child harder to deal with when they are adults.

Most of the adults I know well have experienced major drama associated with one or more of their siblings, and I know few who would describe an adult sibling as their closest friend. In addition, it's more difficult to be a good parent to two (or three, or four) rather than one. Obviously it's not impossible, and my wife and I are doing our best (we decided to have two), but it ain't easy. I love both of my children dearly, but I wonder to this day if we would have been better off only having one. On the other hand, my wife is convinced that the best thing we could have done was to have two; the boys are very close, and it is wonderful to watch them together; well, when they're not fighting, anyway. Thank goodness there's less of that now than there used to be.

Before the age of 7 or so, I was very happy to be an only child. My parents tried to adopt a sibling when I was about 5 years old and I remember being very jealous of the little boy, who lived with us for a few months. I think my jealously of him in part played a role in my parents ultimately deciding not to adopt him. After the age of 7, however, I yearned deeply for a sibling and pestered by parents continuously about it. My poor parents -- at that point there was nothing they could do.

Throughout my childhood, my parents had a great deal of marital and financial difficulties. I remember often wishing I had a sibling with whom to share some of the experiences I was enduring as their child. In my adulthood, concerns about my parents' health and financial wellbeing have been constant sources of worry. Again, I wish I had a sibling with whom to consult and share some of the responsibility.

As an adult and a parent of one child myself, I am sorry that I have no aunts, uncles or cousins to offer my child. My husband has several siblings who live in different parts of the country, so my child has no close relatives nearby. As a result of my experiences, I am very committed to having a second child soon (I want my children to be no more than 3 years apart). My husband and I too have busy careers and limited time and financial resources, but I think having a second (or even third!) child is something that's very important for us to give to our child. Sibling relationships, after all, do last a lifetime, whereas parental relationships do not.

Having said all that, I know that there is no guarantee that siblings will be close. My husband, for example, is not close to any of his siblings, but I think that fact may have to do with the vast age differences (10+ years) between the siblings. In any event, I think what's important to keep in mind is that in having 2 or more children, you are creating a family with uncles, aunts, in-laws, cousins, etc., even if your children are not close.

I begged for a brother or sister for years when I was young, but it actually wasn't until I got older that I really felt the loss of not having a sibling. I feel a little bit robbed that I will never know what it feels like to have a sibling, or a niece or nephew, or to be an aunt, or somebody's sister. My father died of cancer this summer and I felt the loss so profoundly, and it seemed like there was no one to relate to about his death. Other family members felt differently because he was something different to them than he was to me. My friend told me that when her mom died, her brother was the only thing that got her through it, because he had lost the same mom too.

The other things to consider are your personality and your child's personality. My mom always says that she couldn't concentrate on more than one kid and that I was enough of a handful that she didn't want to try. I think that's a chicken or the egg argument, because it's possible I was such a handful due to being an only child. Only children get stereotyped as brats, and we aren't all, but you do have do be more mindful of those kinds of things when one child is getting all of the focus.

Don't underestimate the impact a second child will have in your family. While many people think the first child is the one that really changes your lifestyle, my experience was that I had more trouble going from one child to two children than from none to one. Maybe it isn't common, but #2 was quite hard for me. (Colic, ear infections and sleep issues in #2 were big contributors!)

On the other hand, as an only child, I became a very independent adult and quite comfortable being by myself.

I don't think my relationship with my parents would have been any different with or without siblings.

I don't think it's effected my ability to make close relationships, although I am sensitive perhaps due to not going through the sibling rivalry experience (it seems to perhaps give you tougher skin)

As an only child, alot of energy is focused on me from my parents because they have no other children to focus on. This can be good or bad depending if the focus is positive or negative. And the weight of parents' declining health will be all my responsibility since there are no siblings to share with yet his hasn't occurred yet.

I have one child and definitely would like to have a couple more.

So, although, it is expensive in time and money, we have made a commitment to building life long relationships with his cousins, some important shared memories, so that they can talk in the future about their youth and their experiences with their related but different parents. My generation had their children in their late 30s and 40s so I am well aware that my son will have no immediate relatives (adopted or birth) by the time he is my age, and that does seem very lonely indeed. Christine

I am also very close to my parents. More so it seems to me than friends of mine with brothers and sisters. My parents today are like my best friends and advisors. This is a wonderful relationship to have and I feel very lucky.

It seems to me from reading your posting that the idea of having another child is more of a stress than a desire. My advice to you is to just relax and enjoy the family you have already. Your child will grow up to be a wonderful person thanks to your nurturing and will find others to be "brother" and "sister" through life's course.

Sincerely, a content only child

Yes, raising two is hectic in a two career family, but my wife, my daughter and I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. Mike

My mom wanted and expected a walking and talking doll. Unfortunately, that isn't what she got when she adopted me (her first child). She had no idea what it was like to raise kids or even be a child with another child as she had little experience of this herself. When my sister and I fought, she was completely overwhelmed. All she could say was that she always wanted a sister and couldn't understand why we fought.

Having kids is challenging period! One thing I would like to add is that when I had my second daugther, I was keenly aware that immediately (like as we came home from the hospital) we went from being a threesome to being a family. I actually felt closer to my husband than I had since the birth of our first child. We became a couple again; a couple with two kids. Plus, my relationship with each of my children is so amazingly unique it is hard to imagine without experiencing it.

It is a huge decision and I applaud you for thinking of the effect is has on your child. If you do decide to have one child (a very understandable decision), I encourage you to find ways to let you kid be a kid and not a short adult. Make sure those difficult friends do come over, spend lots of time with cousins, share yourself with others in front of your child as much as possible, talk about your experience of being in a family whatever the make up.

Best of luck on your journey Terry

First my background: I am the only child of my two parents, but have half and step siblings from my parents' previous and subsequent marriages. My half siblings are between 10 and 16 years older than me and never lived with me, and my step siblings arrived on the scene when I was 11 and lived with me two days a week. I spent most of my childhood as the only child in the house, but as I grew older I grew close to both my steps and halves. I wouldn't trade my relationship with them for anything, but I have no qualms about my son being an only child.

I should say at the outset that I never, not even once, during my childhood wished to have siblings. It just wasn't something I thought about, not even when I was given the gift of three step-siblings at age 11. It was fun to have them around on the days they lived at our house, but I didn't feel that they filled some kind of unmet yearning. I never remember being lonely, both because I had many friends and because I grew up to be quite self-reliant. I can say that I have never been bored with my own company, and while I think some of that is simply temperment, it's also that as an only child I learned to create a fulfilling inner life for myself. I am also social and outgoing, like group activities, have many friends, know how to share, etc. Generalizations to the contrary made in previous postings seem utterly spurious to me. There is no single ingredient that determines what a person is going to be like -- it depends on the person, and on the family.

Which brings me to my main point. I think that as parents we're fooling ourselves if we think we can create the perfect family environment and thus the perfect human being if we only make all the right decisions. The sooner we realize how much is out of our hands, the better off we'll be Shit happens. You can plan to have more than one kid, and not be able to get pregnant. You can plan to have an only child, and get pregnant accidentally. I have friend who was an only child, and decided to have a second kid because he resented not being able to share the burden of caring for his elderly parents. Both children are now in their thirties and it turns out the second child is a total flake who isn't particularly interested in his parents. It's going to be up to the first kid anyway. There's no predicting it. I know people whose two children love each other and are best pals, and people whose children fight constantly. I know adults who are close with their siblings and adults who feel they have nothing in common with their siblings. I know adults who are resentful that they are only children, and adults who feel that their parents ruined their childhood by bringing another kid into the picture. I know only children who are spoiled rotten, and ones who are delightful.

My point is: there's no one right answer, and no way to predict what your child will resent you for. Chances are, it's going to be something you never even considered. My mother has a long list of things she feels guilty about doing as a parent, and not one of them is on my list of things I feel resentful about. Most I don't even remember. I think it's easy to seize on the number of kids in your family as a reason for your problems ("I was the oldest, so I always had to be responsible," "I was the youngest, so no one paid attention to me," "I was in the middle, so I always had to be the mediator," "I was an only child, so I was lonely"). But really, it's not the circumstances, it's the way they were handled that count.

Ever choice has its pitfalls. As the parent of a child who is probably going to be an only, I feel I have to make sure not to treat him as a little adult, and make sure that his father and I aren't so involved in his life that it's hard for him to separate from us, and make sure that there are lots of children in his life. If I were to have another child, there would be other things to work on: not favoring one child over another, making sure that my expectations for each were based on who they are and not on my experience with the other. I'm sure there are many more.

Ultimately, having a child, whether it's your first or your fourteenth, is a selfish decision. We have them, hopefully, because we want them, and our desire to be with them overrides what we know about how much work they are, how expensive, etc. The planet certainly does not need any more children, and children the world over have grown up to be happy and well adjusted with far more challenges than being an only child.

All of us want to believe we've made the right choice, but that doesn't mean that our choice is THE right choice, it's only A right choice. So let's cut ourselves some slack and try to make the decisions that make the whole family happy. Children whose parents are obsessed with creating the perfect life for them are the ones who are going to end up with the biggest resentments and the most disappointments. The rest will adjust, adapt, and ultimately do just fine.