• Donor egg vs adoption vs raising an only child
• Guilt over no sibling for child v. marriage stress
• Adopting a second, or Singleton?
• Hard time reconciling that I may not have another child
• How to raise an only child?
• I want a second, husband only wants one
• Only child or egg donation?
• I would really like to stop at one child
• One child seems right, but pressure from friends & family
• Resources for single child family
• I only want one child
• Coming to peace with one child
• Were you a single child?
• Related page: Having a second child

Donor egg vs adoption vs raising an only child

I'm 45, have a four year old, and have been trying for #2 and have 4 IUIs and 2 miscarriages to show for it. The doc says donor egg IVF is the way to go.

Is it crazy to think I could have a child at 46? Am I too old? The odds of success for IVF with donor egg are 70%, but adoption is 100%. The issue I've heard about private infant adoption is older parents get turned away. Is it possible to adopt a baby with parents in 40s? Husband will not do county foster-to-adopt, only private, domestic adoption.

With a 2nd, I'd also have to go back to FT work while #2 is still a baby. To retire and still educate 1 kid is a feat, so 2 is a huge strain. We've been able to get by with my PT work, but I'd have to go full-time with 2. How does that work?

Part of me feels blessed having just one. We have been able to parent in a mindful and (generally) un-stressed way, which is good for our child, and us.But we're alone in Ca, and grandparents 2,000 miles away don't give a sense of family.

For those ''one and done'' by choice or circumstance, how do you keep the only child feeling a sense of family connection, especially when extended family are far away? Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

wishing you community

The reality is that just because they are family doen't mean they are your BFF? I have a sister whom I gre up with, three years younger. She isn't my ''person'' or my BFF, that title is reserved for a friend whom I've had since I was 16. I don't see the upside of you having more, less time with your kids, more financial struggles...enjoy the one and move on. fan of one and done...

And keep in mind, having siblings doesn't necessarily result in strong family ties. I have one brother, 3 years younger. He's a good person, we have no arguments - but we also have nothing in common except our parents. We've always had different interests, gone different directions, and when we get together we just make small talk. It doesn't have the ''one person in all the world who is there for you'' feeling that people talk about with siblings. So, ultimately, we're OK with one and done. anonymous

Guilt over no sibling for child v. marriage stress

Regarding "Adopting a second or singleton?" ... I have struggled with the same question about whether to add to our family of 3 by adopting a second child or not. I do not have any answers, but feel empathy for the poster.

I have struggled with this over the last year and felt paralyzed by conflicting emotions of guilt for not giving my only child a much wanted sibling and the fear that adding another through adoption (our best option) will greatly increase my stress level which may in turn negatively effect my otherwise happy, if not perfect, marriage and the very close bond I have with my daughter. My husband is happy with one child and is ambivalent about a second. When we talk, he brings up finances, college funds, retirement, etc.. All fair/rational concerns. We're equally concerned about the effects of increased stress (we both work, but he commutes, so I handle most of the day-to-day parenting and logistics of our home/school, volunteering, etc..I don't really see that division of responsibilities changing with two).

We started our family late and I am hugely grateful for my daughter after experiencing 3 miscarriages before having her. My husband and I are both from large families with 5+ siblings each. My sibs have been a great comfort to me in troubling times and we are closer than most, likely because we lost our parents at young ages. My rational side knows that my family history has greatly elevated the importance of siblings for me and my guilt in not giving my daughter a sister or brother. My husband thinks I'm putting too much of my own experience into the situation and that our daughter will do just fine in her life with or without a sibling. I know he's right. Our daughter is a wonderfully happy and much loved child with a large extended family and many family friends. The rational side of me knows that you certainly do not need siblings to be happy and that you can't control the future, but I just can't seem to move beyond the feeling that I am denying her an important life support and joy - it's the long run that concerns me. I need help because I am unhappy/paralyzed and my usual methods of working thru difficult life decisions are not working.

I am wondering if anyone who has been through a similar struggle might advise resources that they found helpful in coming to a resolution on this question and moving on. Books, therapists, I am open to anything at this point. Otherwise Happy and Grateful Mom

Listen, not all singletons are selfish lazy bums who don't know the joy of siblings. Not all siblings give a whit about each other.

Really. Most singletons end up being great people. They tend to make friends more easily, have an easier time talking with strangers, feel close to the people in their lives. They tend to do a little better in school, communicate better with adults even as youngsters, and love their parents.

It can drive you crazy when you or others guilt trip you into thinking you are denying your child something because they are a singleton. Sometimes life just works out this way. Sometimes we can't live the vision that we once had for our lives. And that's okay.

There are so many things you can do with a single child. I feel very close to mine. We have great dinner time conversations, the whole family. It's not about the sibling battles that so often go on in huge families, but about ideas, and how we lived our days. We play silly games at diner, look into each other's eyes, and enjoy our meal.

We can travel more because we don't need to buy so many plane tickets or hotel rooms. We can save for college and splurge on extra lessons now. We can buy a smaller car, live in a smaller house.

Yes, we give our son lots of opportunities to play with friends and family. Yes, our son gets LOTS of practice learning to share, struggling to be his own person and part of a group. Any deep relationship can help with those aspects of being, and a friendship can be honored deeply.

Having one child is not failing. It's a great and glorious blessing. Happy Mom

1) there are people who are great parents of more than one child and there are parents who are better off with one. We know a lot of people who are miserable or struggling with multiple children for the reasons I will outline below. What are the differences? Ability to multitask, mental and emotional fortitude, ability to delegate (i.e., you don't feel like you have to do everything yourself - you can feel OK about taking time off to do something for yourself like workout without feeling guilty for leaving the child(ren) with your spouse or sitter), a helpful spouse, capacity to endure the trials of infancy again, strong domestic discipline, to name a few. While we have a lot of these characteristics, we knew early on that we were better off with one child despite tons of pressure.

2) All the people who may be pressuring you to have another child are not going to be there full time to help you raise the child. They are not going to help pay for the additional expense.

3) The arguement that it will give your child ''someone to play with'' or that ''I want my child to have a sibling who will be their best friend'' is nonsense. Sure, it can happen and does. But that is not sufficient reason to have another child. Our only child does fine with making and keeping friends through a number of outlets and the best part is? We can send the other children home. There is no guarantee that siblings will be close. There are tons of examples of people who do not talk to their siblings or are just not that close.

4)The following are the practical aspects of an only child: i) financially less demanding (school, activities, travel, food, utilities, home size, vehicle size), ii) it is a lot easier to travel with a single child than multiple children (seats, hotel room size, admission, airports, etc.) and so, if that is important to you, that can be a large factor, iii) logistics. If you like to drive and have no problem with spending your days doing so, each additional child can add to that enjoyment.

When all is said and done, we are happy with one child. Our child is happy and well-adjusted. We do not feel like we or our child is missing out on anything. Just think it through. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons because as you know, kids are permanent. One and Done

Adopting a second, or Singleton?

Hello all, We wished very much to have a sibling for our daughter who was conceived through IVF but after repeated attempts at another IVF the second just doesnt seem to be taking. We are considering adopting a second, or just accepting that our first will be an only child. I would really appreciate the advice of people who found a way to adapt successfully either to life with their one-and-only or to life with an adopted second child. Has anyone else dealt with these issues who'd like to talk about them? Anyone adopted after their first child? Or chosen the life of a one child family? I wonder if a single child would be lonely or lose out on the lessons you learn by having a sibling, but I also wonder about being fair and equal when adopting a second child ... and the finances of course! thanks much for any advice or stories to mull over !

Go adopt someone. Just do it. Don't overthink it. Just get another baby/kid and start your life. Once you do it you can stop thinking about it and go live.

So that's my two cents! infertile mommy

But I LOVE having a singleton. He's wonderful, and we do our best to fill his life with friends, neighbors, cousins, pets, classmate and the like. Yes, at time I think he would like to have been the youngest of 12, but other times I know he is very happy being the only one to climb up into my lap. He's articulate, bright, calm. Our family dinners are filled with laughter and conversation, not arguments over who got more potatoes or the like. He knows how to share better than most kids I know with siblings. He likes to talk to adults and to kids, and is generally one of the happiest, most generous, most loving people I know.

We can also do things that would be hard with more kids--when traveling, we only need one room (most of the time) so we can stay in better places or for longer visits. We only have to buy 3 airplane tickets. We drive smaller cars. We are able to save for college and pay for extra piano lessons if he wants them. You will make the right decision for your family, I am sure of that. But having one child has so many benefits! please don't see it as an emptiness. Happy Mom of One

When I had my son I knew I wanted to have more. It took 4 years, two miscarriages and lots of luck to make a second one. For the first 2 years of my son's life, I knew he would've loved to be an only child... he has that obsessive personality... After my daughter started to crawl he ''ordered'' us NO MORE BABIES! Having a sister has helped him to not to be so self-centered, have a subtle way of saying things and has created a different perspective of the feminine world -even though she is 4, she can be a tease, a drama queen and a dictator-. Good luck with your decision and have a happy life :) courage!

The questions I am asking myself are... would an adopted child provide any less joy? Would I love him/her less? Is there really that much higher risk of the child providing any more heartbreak than a normal child? And all of the answers seem to be ''no''. I would clearly get a total kick out of the adopted child the same way I would my own because kids are great and funny and goofy little people. I would clearly love him/her the same because everyone who has ever adopted and had a biological child has told me that there is no difference in how they feel about the kids and it just makes sense that you bond with the adopted one just as you bond with your own. And flipping it to look at the risk of having a kid that ruins your life... well... lots of biological kids have done that, too. So, I highly doubt there is any increased risk of that.

You obviously wanted a second child (as do I), so maybe just think about the same questions. I bet you come to the same conclusion that we seem to be coming to... just adopt. Jenny

It seemed like some of the comments to the list were repeating stereotypes about only children that originated in the 50s, a time when middle-class women were being pressured to return from the workforce back to the nuclear family. There are a number of books out on the topic of only children, both from a popular and an academic point of view. Information from beyond the world of BPN is in order when making this, (or any other life-changing) decision. happy with one

And yes, we feel our adopted child most definitely has a ''connection'' to us, the only parents she has ever known. wanted to share too

We had tried to have a second ''bio'' kid for about 8 years, with several unsuccessful pregnancies. For me, having just one kid was always on my mind, always, always bothering me. Our daughter was lovely and wonderful, but I always wanted a sibling for her. My husband was fine with having just one, but realized that it would always be a source of sadness for me.

Long story short: We adopted a two-year-old girl from Eastern Europe three years ago, so our daughters are almost 10 years apart in age. Our little one is the life of the party. She is 1,000% demanding, what one might call ''a handful'' -- not an easy child, by any means, but full of humor, wonder and beauty. Our older daughter loves her and gets a big kick out of her, and my husband and I are happy seeing the two of them together.

Despite the hassle and the expense, the process of adopting a child was entirely wonderful. We feel lucky to have done both - - bio birth and adoption. Although our little one presents challenges at times, there has never been a moment when I would exchange the present for the past. happy to have two

Believe me I do think crazy things - like I run the Sophie's Choice scenario in my head sometimes and wonder what I'd do, etc. But there definitely are benefits to having a child you are not biologically related to. Mama of 2

Hard time reconciling that I may not have another child

I'm in my late 30's. I have a 2.5 yo son. Originally, I hoped to have 2 kids. Have been trying for 14 months to have second child but no luck so far. I've been TTC naturally, didn't want to do anything extra. I'm having a hard time reconciling that I may not have another child. I've met some other people in the past that probably dealt w/ the same issue but at the time just assumed that I'd easily have two. Wondering how others have dealt with this. On the plus side, I did spend a week w/ another couple w/ 3 kids. That experience helped me a bit, I appreciated some of the simplicity of my family unit in comparison but of course recognized the wonderful sibling relations as well. Still Hoping to Have Two

How to raise an only child?

I've recently discovered that I cannot have more children. I had originally wanted 2, but I will only have 1. I was wondering if there are advice from parents of only children on how to keep them entertained, and experience on raising them, the pros and cons. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. anon

There are some things that are easier about raising a single child, other things that are harder. With one child, you can really give him or her your full attention without the conflicting needs of another child. It frees you up to simply be present with your child in a delightful way. You need to remember to give your child his or her own personal and emotional space, and not expect them to be everything for you. Some people say that single children suffer for playmates and don't understand interpersonal relationships. Not so! My child has a full and rich social circle with friends, relatives, neighbors, community members, toys, imaginary worlds and more! And while he does not get experience fighting with someone at the dinner table and in the back seat of the car, he does get his fair share of learning about how to get along, deal with conflict, give and take. Some parents of onlies try to fight their child's battles and I will admit that can be a temptation. Sometimes it would be easier. But then again, it would be easier to finish his homework for him too rather than expecting him to do the work and learn for himself. You can do more with an single child. Travel is less expensive, going out to dinner is not a once-a-month splurge, and private school, if that's what you'd like, is easier to afford with only one tuition.

There are some things that are harder. We travel to places with kids' programs because that provides a set of peers in new places. It's harder to go to the woods and expect your child to amuse him or herself while you sink into a novel. I have heard that it gets complicated in the early teen years when they are too old for a baby sitter but too young to be by themselves.

Friends with older kids say you have to arrange a sleep over or some equivalent every time you want to go out for an adults evening.

But on the whole, having one child can be really great. You might also check out Only Child, an on-line magazine (you must subscribe) for other insights. anon.

I get sad sometimes knowing that every time I go through something (preschool ''graduation'', first day of Kindergarten...) it is also the last. I would say that this is the biggest disadvantage. It was also quite painful when my son, at 4, went through a phase of telling me that he really, really wanted a sibling.

The second major disadvantage is that parents (mostly me) are the only at-home playmates my child has, as we do not live next door to other kids. You hear a lot about sibling rivalry; but you don't hear so much about the fact that they really do often entertain each other. My son's very social, and prefers not to play alone; this can get very tiring! But on the other hand, now that he's older, he can keep me company, and he loves to help me do things, he's learning to cook, he's interested in my hobbies, and generally a lot of fun to be around. I think that only children have an easier time relating to adults, as they tend to relate to their parents directly more than multiple kids do.

Also, when we make decisions about our child (what preschool? what school?) we are not driven quite so much by money. We never have to worry, can we afford TWO slots at the preschool, because one is all there is. Makes budgeting quite a bit easier. For example, my son is crazy about castles. I have to go to Germany on business this summer, and I plan to take my family along, and stay for a bit of extra time, so I can take him to see some real castles. We couldn't do this if there were two kids.

I've always worked at least part time, so my son was first in a family daycare and then a preschool, and I think that for him this was essential. This is where he developed his ability to relate to other children. He's very good with other kids now, so I don't think I believe the rumor about only children having more social problems. They just need a context in which to learn the skills.

Finally, remember that having siblings does not necessarily guarantee you built-in close friends all of your life. My brother and I were three years apart, but we are such incredibly different people that we have never been close. We chat on the phone occasionally, he drops by to visit now and then, but I don't miss him when he's not around, or when he doesn't call. I am not saying that I dislike him -- I don't, he's a fine person. But he and I have next to nothing in common, although we grew up in the same family. Karen

I want a second, husband only wants one

How do I come to terms with the fact that I long to have a second child but my husband wants to stop at one? We never really discussed the number of kids we would have beforehand, only that we both wanted kid(s). We now have a wonderful 1.5 year old son that we both adore. However, my husband was particularly traumatized by those first few months and the effect that having a child has had on our lifestyle. He feels that one child is manageable but two would be impossible to maintain a balance between child-centered activities and some of the stuff we did pre-baby (not to mention the time and financial implications of having a second). For reasons that I can't explain I just know that I want to have another baby and I can't stop thinking about it. It makes me so sad to think that this may not be possible. If the desire to have a baby were on a scale from 1 to 10, he's a 1 and I'm a 10 and unfortunately it's not a case where we can meet in the middle. I had hoped that with time he might warm up to the idea but he's not changing. I can afford to wait a few years longer but part of me feels that I'm just fooling myself. Did anyone else go through this and did you get over your desire for more kids? anon

On a hopeful note, I guess you can wait it out, and see if your husband changes his mind your first child gets older. Even I will admit that it does get better; however, in all liklihood, he will still not want another.

For me, the truth is that I am *so vehemently* against having more children that I don't see any way around it. And, ultimately, I think my husband respects my decision because the health and happiness of our marriage is more important to him that the prospect of any future children. He knows that I would be completely miserable if I was forced into a situation that I didn't want, and so, I'm sorry to say, the person with the stronger disinclination has won.

If I was forced by my husband into making that decision, I would feel unbelievably betrayed that he was choosing a child over our marriage. That's how I would feel, and to be honest (and it's never gone this far with us, and you haven't mentioned that you would consider it...I'm just saying), if he tried to force my hand, I'm sure our marriage would never survive. In the truest sense of the word, it is a dealbreaker. Is it the dealbreaker for your husband?

If so, consider now: is your desire for more children stronger than your marriage? Be honest with yourself and him and see what happens. You both deserve to decide to have the happiness you want, just realize that it might mean you can have another child...it just might not be with him anon

All I can say is that we're in couples counceling - luckily he sees the value in that and willingly participates - and slowly we're coming to understand eachother's position. The difficult part is getting men to verbalize their reasonings. For them a flat '' I don't'' supposedly answers everything, never mind that it's patronizing. You can sit and conjecture as to the ''whys'' and ''why nots'' of his position ad infinitum. But until he actually verbalizes them you're building castles in your head, not a healthy place to be in the first place. I, like you, fight this urge every day, because I think about having another constantly, and melt away when I see an expectant couple with a proud belly, or someone with a brand new baby in their B-Bjorn walking on the street. Anyway, in my experience a professional 3rd party that is willing to interject reason on an emotionally charged subject is very helpful. But don't expect it to turn around instantly either.. In your same boat....

Although my husband wasn't too hot on having kids initially, he said that he knew how much it meant to me and agreed to have one. I thought that one would be enough, but after having my son (who is almost 1.5 years), I really wanted a second child.

I thought my husband would change his mind, but he is sticking to just having one child. I find myself thinking about having another child constantly, and often resent my husband.

Although I'm not necessarily ready right now, I'm in my mid- thirties now, and wouldn't want to wait much longer. As I said, I don't have any advice, but when I'm feeling down on the idea that I may just have one child, I try to think about how much I love the child I have Mom in the Same Boat

Here are my thoughts when I read your post. before I had any children, noone could have made me understand how much time, energy and patience it would take. I could not have imagined how different my life would be. My guess is that you can relate.

The same is true going from one child to two. I once thought as long as I was taking care of one, it wouldn't be such a great leap to care for two - WRONG! it is soooo much more work and time. Now when I have just one around, I feel like I'm on a mini-vacation. Especially the first year when their needs are so different it can be really rough and I have lots of family and husband support. And I have 2 easy kids! (aged 3years and 17 months)

Unless your husband is fully on board, I would not encourage you to push for a second, it can be really rough and you might put a huge strain on your marriage in the process mama of two

At one time she might have wanted three or more, but has taken that off the table and feels quite complete. You might try making sure you are enjoying plenty of two-some connection and time, no matter what, as a different way to approach whether your family wants and is ready for another child. Now that I have a kid of my own, I know it's a challenge, but watching others struggle through it has made me realize how important it is to prioritize best of luck to both of you

Seriously, my husband's father only wanted one, but my MIL wanted two. So she had a second one -- a daughter-- and FIL adores her. I don't think most men regret the second child once it's here, they only dread it. In the same baby wanting boat

Only child or egg donation?

I am 39 and have a 3 year old boy, and have been trying to get pregnant for a while. I just found out yesterday that I failed the ''clomid challenge'' and that the odds of me having another child with my eggs are essentially zero (i.e.,even IVF with my eggs is not an option). My husband and I are very sad, as we have always thought that we wanted more children, both for ourselves (we both have siblings) and for our son. Now we are trying to think through whether we accept our fate and go forward as a family of three, or pursue egg donation. I would really love to hear from people who have chosen both paths. If you are an only child, or have only one child, can you tell me about that? Our family is so happy right now the way we are --my worry is that in the future our son will be lonely or short changed without a sibling. For those who have chosen egg donation, tell me everything -- the positives and the negatives. It feels very extreme to me, and somehow reaching too hard? Right now I am not looking for information on adoption, as there is much on the archives, and we are really trying to understand these two paths better Feeling very sad

I have at times wished for another child so my son could have a sibbling, etc., but I have to tell you that there is something absolutely wonderful about having only one child. The bond is tremendous, and I am able to do things for him that I might not if I had more than one. I make him costumes, for instance, and think I'd feel overwhelmed if I had to make two or three. He and I can get into a really sweet place when we play together, largely because I don't have to check on the baby or mediate disputes with an older sibling. Not too long ago I felt a very strong sense of gratitude that I had only one child.

Of course nothing's perfect, and there will continue to be times when I'll wish I had another child. I think you can learn things from siblings you can learn no where else. But I also see that my brothers can't stand each other, and they are terrible about keeping in touch with me. I communicate more with their wives. There's no guarantee that siblings will like each other. It seems to me that you will need to work through your grief on this one first. Give yourselves a couple of months to let things sink in, to cry as much as you need to, even to perform a ritual of some kind to mark the change. Then start thinking about one child or egg donation. You'll no doubt see things much more clearly with a little time. Oh, and don't forget to enjoy your one boy. I know you won't, but still the grief can be so distracting. One thing that the grief of loss has taught me is to take nothing for granted. That small thing in itself can bring such joy Happy Mom of One

So many adults have dysfunctional sibling relationships. Just because you have 2 or more kids doesn't mean they will end up getting along or really being there for one another. Happy only child

I would really like to stop at one child

I would really like to stop at one child. My son is 3. I have been getting really rude remarks from people who hear my decision. I wonder what I should say to my son when he asks for a sibling. Is there a club/support group for parents with only one child? Is my resolve detrimental to my son's emotional well- being? Thanks anon

Though she did when she was four, my daughter no longer expresses any desire for a sibling. I'm certain she understands our decision and also believes we made the right choice. Have confidence in your decision and trust that your son will have the capacity to understand ---a confident parent

Oh yes, we get comments. I don't understand why people think its okay to tell us we should have more kids. It's not like getting a cat or something. I just tell people that we don't want more kids and don't offer any explanations. It's none of their business. In fact, its kind of funny when you don't let it turn into a conversation because if you just leave it at ''because we don't want to'' they're stumped with how to respond. What are they going to say? Nobody has ever had the gall to ask me ''don't you love your son?'' and if they did I wouldn't even dignify that with an answer.

Besides the current population explosion is severly taxing the worlds ressources. Have you seen Gore's slideshow movie? Parent of One and very happy with the decision. Happy Mom of a great ONE

One child seems right, but pressure from friends & family

Hi there, I wanted to hear from my families who've made the decision to have only 1 child. We have a 2 year old and, although we originally thought we'd have a bigger family, think that now we've decided to stop at 1. The main reason for us to have a second at this point would be to give our child a sibling. My husband and I have careers (I gave mine up to stay home and am so happy to have had the choice but am very eager to return to work one day), so it's not a financial consideration. It's simply that we feel that this may be the right size for our family. The problem is all the pressure (explicitly from our family, implicitly from our community and friends) to have another child.

What about other only-child families? Are you happy with your choice? What has been your experience? And is there a network for only children to meet other only children out there? Thanks for sharing. wonderingmama

We try to schedule lots of time with other kids. We have a regular trade with another only kid on the block (he comes over one night a week and our daugther goes to his house one night a week) and hope to make even more of that time. (Having it be a standing committment helps a lot.) I do feel that connecting with other parents who've made the same choice has helped me feel good about it; there's a tendency to judge or assume something is wrong if you don't go for number 2. I think it's a tough choice, but it has many, many advantages!

I don't know of a support group or parent group but if someone wanted to start one, I would attend. jen

Here's why: we both work because we both have careers that we love and neither of us was willing to give up the satisfaction that we get from our chosen professions. IMHO a fulfilled person makes for a much happier parent, at least in our case I can definitely say that is true.

Our child gets to spend a lot of quality time with us and our extended family and friends. We take our child everywhere and have been able to afford a quality of life that we could not have had if we had had a second child.

I would say do what is right for you and your partner and if you are coming from a place of personal fulfillment, that will translate to your child being more secure and happier. Having more kids is not the answer for every family, and I would certainly not worry so much about the judgment of others on this issue. Three is perfect for us

Love being an only child and having an only child! Jessica

A couple of years ago, our daughter started to notice that siblings often fight, and multi-child families don't get as much parent time as she does. She doesn't want a sibling anymore, and we're happy as a family of three.

Some people will assume that only children are more selfish, can't share, etc. That hasn't been our experience. Our daughter relates well to children older and younger than herself, has always been good at sharing, and is able to keep herself entertained for extended periods of time - we don't have to be surrogate siblings.

Go with your heart and your gut, and don't let others tell you how to build your family!! Lisa

However, each family's situation is different. IT is very hard to look ahead. If I had to do it again, I would have a second. anon

We think large families seem like a lot of fun, and perhaps in another life, we'd have one, too. But we have decided our lifestyle is such that having one child will work best for him and us.

Despite a rich bay area culture, we appreciate other countries and different perspectives, and travel is an important component of that. With one child, we make travel a more frequent activity without bending our budget. Also, an only child allows us to make decisions for our child without worrying about what will appear ''fair'' to our other children.

In truth, this is likely so much boot-strapping; I'm sure if we had two (or three or four), we'd have great reasons for having a bigger family, too. The real point is, we're happy with one, and the only downside my husband and I experienced growing up as only children was snide remarks from our friends' parents about how awful only children were (typically followed by ''well, you're different'').

Truth is, any combination is good: one, two, five. If you're comfortable with it, so, too will be your child. - One

If that is what feels right for you and your husband, than do it and don't worry about what other busy-bodies think. it's really none of their business anyway. Anon

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone can tell you what is right for your family. One thing that was helpful for me to think about was balancing the strength of my desire for baby #2 (ambivalent) against my husband's lack of desire (vehement). Also to realize that much of what I was responding to was the fact that everyone else was having more so that is automatically assumed to be the ''right'' thing to do. Simple Life is OK

That said, I have two siblings, one of which I rarely see, the other I no longer speak to. I do feel that losing our parents whilst we were all in our 20's/30's helped to facilitate the seperation between us--The devistation this has caused me is enough to be grateful that my child will never experience this.

My personal belief is that ''family'' is not dictated by blood, but what you are willing to put into and how you treat your relationships. With that I know my kid will grow up with a rich extended family, blood related or not.

Finally, I'd just like to add, that I did go thru a period of wondering if I should have another, around the time my kid was 2. I would suggest, also that you wait another year or so, to make the decision. Having now experienced the 3's and 4's, I ultimately figured that I couldn't go thru it again. Maybe experiencing those ''challenging'' years, will help you be at peace with your choice. I know it did me.

Ultimately, I think you should go with your instincts on what feels right for you and yours, and tell those who inquire, explicitly or implicitly, that this is your choice and to kindly respect it. Good luck to you. Happy in my (immediate) family of 3

While I love my siblings, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to say that an only child could end up well-adjusted, simply because the parents only must focus on HER, rather than split their attentions amongst other children.

OTOH, my only-child friend says she feels a bit of a burden, because when her parents age and become frail, she will be the only one to care for them - she has noone to share the responsibility with. Just thought you might like to hear both sides. :)

I think a network for parents of one kid is great- maybe post to the annoucements list under 'connections with other parents'?

Best of luck with your decision- do what is right for you & your family, don't let others pressure you with their expectations! As for giving your child a sibling, I know many only children & none of them wishes they had brothers & sisters... not to mention all the families where siblings don't get along. one child is perfect for us!

Resources for single child family

We have one wonderful toddler and for a variety of reasons (economic, marriage instability, space, lifestyle to name some), my husband and I are leaning toward not birthing more children. I have read the pros and cons about deciding whether to have more than one child and that is not what this post is about. I am wondering whether there are groups that support having one-child such as playgroups (I am tired of being the only parent of a toddler that is not pregnant and I am tired of being asked when we are having the next one). Also, we would still like our child to have a community of brothers and sisters. Any ideas such as a progressive church, becoming a ''surrogate'' parent to a child from a busy or non-loving family, ''adopt-a-neice or nephew'' programs, etc.? Thank you. anon

Obviously, I don't know just how difficult your relationship with your spouse is, but...if it's really that big of a problem, maybe the best choice for your family would be for the two of you to work on your problems. Keeping your marriage healthy is about the best thing you can do for your kid. If you take care of that, the positive relationship skills you're modeling should help your child learn how to build strong friendships on his or her own. Sara

I only want one child

We(or rather I) are planning on having only one child. I am a 41 year old mother with a wonderful 3 year old child. I had a difficult pregnancy (bed rest), various physical problems, and a collicky baby. So the beginning was hard. However, things are much easier now. We are all doing well as a family. In theory, I would love to provide a sibling for my daughter. I do feel deeply sad that she will not have a sibling - but when I ask myself at night, ''Do I want to do this again?'' The answer is a resounding, ''No.'' My husband would like to have another child and is open and interested in adoption. Even that I don't want to do. As much as I adore our daughter, I don't feel like I have the energy or resources to either give birth to or take care of another child. I feel quite alone in this - almost like there is something wrong with me. I look around me and it seems like everyone either has another child or wants another child. I don't know anyone else who feels like me. I would love to hear from mothers who are HAPPY with their decision to have one child. I don't know anyone who has CHOSEN this path and is happy with their decision to have only one child. mother of an only child

The only reason we'd even consider having another child is to give our daughter a sibling. But I know quite a few people who have never gotten along with their brother or sister. If there's no guarantee that the kids will get along, then that seems to me like a pretty bad reason to bring another person into the world.

I've done a lot of reading on the subject and there is no reason to feel badly about your child being an only...you have to make sure that there are ample opportunities for them to socialize with other kids, but other than that, there's nothing to suggest that they will be harmed in any way by not having a sibling. I've also spoken to MANY only children who had wonderful childhoods, have great relationships with their parents, and no bad feelings about being raised without a brother or a sister.

The people who would give you grief about this choice are thinking about the old-fashioned mythology surrounding being an only-child. I've come across these folks as well and, while it's always hard and annoying to have to explain my decision, I try to just let it roll off my back.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. You want to be the best parent you can for your child - if that means only having one, then that is the best decision you can make on your child's behalf. Good luck!

We were also in our 40s when our first was born, the pregnancy was tough, and the first couple years seemed pretty hard -- wonderful, but hard. We could not decide about having a second: things were just feeling manageable and we were having a great time with our son. More than anything, we felt like we ''owed it'' to him to have another child ... particularly given how old we are, we were concerned about him having close family when he grew up; also, we were concerned about him being lonely growing up alone, and falling into the supposed spoiled only-child syndrome.

We did some research, and found that the studies done seem to show that only children tend to be even a bit happier than those with sibs, and actually do better at stuff like sharing and interacting when they get to school age.

Anyway, nature intervened (our ambivalence led us to be a little lax about birth control), and we now have two. The pregnancy was even tougher, and the next two years were quite trying. Our youngest is a delight and a blessing and enriches our lives enormously. I do not regret having her, not even a little bit. But having a younger sib has been pretty challenging for the eldest (he'd probably say its the worst thing that ever happened) and it seems clear that our lives will be greatly more complicated for the foreseeable future.

So,I would say there is no mistake in doing what feels right to you ... you don't owe it to your child or anyone else to have more.

Hang in there! You're not alone!

I never saw a reason for having more than one child. I had an easy pregnancy, easy childbirth, a non-colicky child, enjoyed her babyhood, but I don't have to relive it through another baby. I never mourned over the end of her babyhood and never had that urge to make another baby whenever I saw another cute one in someone elses carriage. What's nice is that my husband feels the same way, and we've never been concerned about being different from the ''norm.'' My advice: Work this out with your husband, and find out the nature of the source that makes you feel awkward and talk that through. Anonymous

My husband & I have a beatiful 15 month old baby girl & decided long long ago (before we even got pregnant) that we are going to be a one child family. We both come from prertty big families & have siblings. I had a relatively easy pregnancy & birth, so that isn't the reason. I'd like to be able to say it is for political reasons- zero population growth, etc- but that isn't it either. I think for us, it is a combination of the cost of raising a child in the Bay Area, our desire to both have careers, & the time/energy/experiences we want to have for our child. We want to still be able to take vacations, not worry as much about paying for college, have time for ourselves, etc.

Some folks have said that our daughter will be sad/lonely/spoiled/unable to share/maladjusted because she is an only child. The most common argument in favor of a 2nd child is that that children need a sibling to play with, be best friends with, etc. There are lots of ways to build community for your child without having another baby. (Not to mention I know plenty of siblings who don't get along!) One particularly morbid mommy friend worries about our only child dying & how hard that would be on us, plus the fact that an only child will have full responsibility for taking care of us when we are older. Frankly it is annoying & sometimes pisses me off that people try to convince us to have another child- if you want lots of kids, have them yourself & leave us alone!!!

For other persepctives, there are also posts in the archive at: http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/parents/singlechild.html

However, my best advice that I think I could give would be as an adult who grew up an only child. I have to admit that, now, as an adult, I would appreciate having a sibling - but I want to reassure you, I LOOOOOOVED being an only child. I was the center of my parents' world. I felt cherished and loved and I didn't have to vie for their attention. When my mother asked me if I wanted a sibling (she only asked to make sure I wasn't feeling deprived, she wasn't able to have a 2nd and really didn't *want* to have a 2nd child), I told her without hesitation and with absolute certainty that I DID NOT want a sibling and was quite happy to have my mommy all to myself, thank you very much.

Look, there are advantages and disadvantages to both situations for children. There are no guarantees that one will grow up being very close with one's siblings, plus you have to deal with all the rivalry while growing up. It can be very trying for both the parents and the kids (I know from talking to my friends who grew up with siblings). I think that your intuition is correct: your child will be better off an only child with parents that have enough energy to devote to her than she would be with a sibling and exhausted parents. The disadvantage for only children is that it can be harder to fit in in social situations (it *can* be, I've known plenty of only children that had no problems at all in this regard).

My point is, I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. There is no such thing as a perfect situation for a child. As long as you are providing a loving environment, your child will be fine! A happy only child

P.S. My best friend is an only child, and she has a ton of friends and an incredibly active social life. anon

Coming to peace with one child

It seems like everyone of our friends is pregnant again. After a difficult pregnancy and first year, we have decided not to have another child. Most of the time I am fine with this decision (there is a good chance that I wouldn't conceive anyway, health problems and age are only some of the factors here), but every now and then, it feels strange and scary. I am working on coming to terms with this tough decision and was hoping to hear some words of wisdom from parents with one child who have found peace with their decision, instead of regrets.

We are always looking for ways to have our child interact with other children, but in spite of our best efforts he spends a lot of time alone. I feel that in the end we all play the cards we are dealt. We will do our best and I know our child will also. We stay focused on what we are grateful for and allow our feelings to work their way through us. We have rebuilt the story of our future, this time with one child. We are oh so grateful. kj

I think my son will love being an only child. He gets all my attention now and we have a great time together. I really want to take him to Europe and doing that, and things like it, logistically and financially just seemed impossible with another child. I see other moms with two (especially single moms, like me) and I just don't see how I could stand the chaos, being pulled in two directions, how to play with the toddler while the baby is sleeping, etc. (Sure, there are plenty of situations that are harder as a single mom, but then, plenty of moms of 2 have to deal with the kids without the other partner there.)

My son is cherished by my family and without a sibling (or other parent), we still have a big family (with two big dogs and a cat!). I love that he will never lack for attention and love and I will never feel torn in two by having another child.

I have had my 'setbacks,' of course. I was at a friend's house just last weekend. She is a mom of two, and there was a book about being a brother on a table. I shed some tears over the fact that my son will never be a brother. But I really do think I made the best decision for our family. I hope you feel the same way. Take care. Jennie, a Single Mother by Choice

As adults, you get to choose who you spend time with. Children are stuck with each other in a family unit. Neither of our parents dealt with the sibling issues very well, but looking back on it, I am really not sure what they could have done differently. Some people are going to be jealous no matter what a parent does and those same people tend to find favoritism toward others in every action.

So, I am here to say that if you feel one child is all you are prepared to handle, please do so comfortably. I truly believe that some of the issues in my family came about due to the stress of too many kids and resultant lack of resources. My husband and I have one wonderful child and neither one of us seriously considered having another mostly because we didn't want our child to experience the misery (and mental abuse) we experienced at the hands of our siblings. Incidentally, we both get along well with our parents, which is not true of either of our siblings. anon

On the other hand I had an interesting experience. A friend of mine asked if we were going to try again. And when I said no for various reasons--some of which were age and how hard it was the first time--her reply was really positive. It turned out that when she was a child her parents tried desperately for years to have another child. And it made her feel like she just wasn't good enough for them. She said that if she had problems having a child that she would happily have one so as to never subject another child to that experience. Have your feelings and enjoy your child--we are all so lucky to have our children. AN

Some of my friends who have 2 children complain about the sibling rivalry. I am glad I do not have to deal with this. Of course, the downside of having one child is that they need and want more of your attention since they don't have a sibling to play with.

There's no easy answer or perfect family situation. The main thing is do what you think is right for your family. And if you're happy, your child will be happy. When people ask me if I'm going to have more children, I say I'm happy with one. Yvonne

Were you a single child?

My husband and I are in the throes of trying to decide whether to have a second child. We have a wonderful, sweet almost-3-year-old daughter whom we love more than anything in the world, but we do feel very stressed and stretched, in terms of time, money, energy, etc. While we love being parents, we also both have very demanding careers (which we also enjoy). And we know that another child will make our lives more hectic, at least in the near future, but our daughter has no extended family her age, so we would very much like for her to have a sibling.

So with all of this, what we're trying to do is to figure out whether having another child would do more to add to the richness of our family's life or just to add to the stress. It would help if we could hear from adults who grew up as single children: did you (or do you now) feel deprived without siblings or did/does your single-child status feel like a way to have particular advantages (e.g., closeness to parents) that you wouldn't have had otherwise? What effects do you think it has had on your ability to make and sustain close relationships? Has being the only child in a family made it particularly difficult to deal with older parents and/or with the death of your parents? And finally, what about your own children -- would you raise another single child, or is it important to you to have more than one?

I know these are all big questions, but they are very important. Knowing more about the experience from the child's point of view will really help us with our decision. Thanks in advance for your help.

Because of this I really want us to have a second child (our little girl is now 19 months). In contrast, my husband is perfectly happy with our daughter and doesn't want to. His concerns are exactly what you described: time, money, exhaustion etc. (Oh, and then he adds, why should his little treasure share her parents with anyone? )

Truth be told, my head tells me that he is correct. He is an assistant professor at Cal and works tons of hours. I'm working full time while we save for a house. Any decent house we buy in the area will require at least 1.5 salaries. Child-care is incredibly expensive. Not to mention private schools. Activities. Vacations. College savings. Makes my head spin. However...I don't care! My heart reminds me of what it was like to grow up with an extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Not to mention my "little sister" who is Godmother to my daughter. If my child doesn't have a sibling, this mean that her kids won't have this extended family (on her maternal side). And what happens when my husband and I are senior citizens and/or are ill? I remind my husband of the guilt he feels living 400 miles from his parents even though he has two sisters living near them. I wouldn't want my daughter to carry that burden alone.

Good luck with this! This is an ongoing debate at our home.

For me, I wish I had a sibling and feel I missed out on this experience...it would be nice to have someone to call a brother or sister, someone who understands how the family is and growing up together. I also feel like when there are parent/family issues, right now I am the only one who can really understand things and wish I had a sibling who knew what I was going through. It places a burden on the only child. In terms of making friends and maintaining closeness with friends, my friends are very important to me and I try my best to sustain friendships during the hectic pace we all have.

My husband and I feel that somehow being an only child prevented us from learning how to get along well and being comfortable with the opposite sex, and both of us didn't have boyfriends/girlfriends until after college. My father died less than 2 months ago, and right now I'm pretty much the only person in our immediate family that is helping my mom. It requires taking off a lot of time from work, getting through all the finances and paperwork with my mom, and it's hard doing it all by myself (w/my husband). I think if one can possibly manage it, people should have at least 2 children, not just one. For my situation (work, finances, housing, our ages), I will have to settle for one, but one is better than none.

One thing to note is my husband felt he wasn't deprived of anything by not having siblings. However, some of his actions today indicate he was quite spoiled by his parents, and when he does certain things today, it shows and now I am the one who has to deal with this and not his parents. If a couple has an only child, spoiling the child and always giving in won't benefit them in the future because it will only make the child harder to deal with when they are adults.

Most of the adults I know well have experienced major drama associated with one or more of their siblings, and I know few who would describe an adult sibling as their closest friend. In addition, it's more difficult to be a good parent to two (or three, or four) rather than one. Obviously it's not impossible, and my wife and I are doing our best (we decided to have two), but it ain't easy. I love both of my children dearly, but I wonder to this day if we would have been better off only having one. On the other hand, my wife is convinced that the best thing we could have done was to have two; the boys are very close, and it is wonderful to watch them together; well, when they're not fighting, anyway. Thank goodness there's less of that now than there used to be.

Before the age of 7 or so, I was very happy to be an only child. My parents tried to adopt a sibling when I was about 5 years old and I remember being very jealous of the little boy, who lived with us for a few months. I think my jealously of him in part played a role in my parents ultimately deciding not to adopt him. After the age of 7, however, I yearned deeply for a sibling and pestered by parents continuously about it. My poor parents -- at that point there was nothing they could do.

Throughout my childhood, my parents had a great deal of marital and financial difficulties. I remember often wishing I had a sibling with whom to share some of the experiences I was enduring as their child. In my adulthood, concerns about my parents' health and financial wellbeing have been constant sources of worry. Again, I wish I had a sibling with whom to consult and share some of the responsibility.

As an adult and a parent of one child myself, I am sorry that I have no aunts, uncles or cousins to offer my child. My husband has several siblings who live in different parts of the country, so my child has no close relatives nearby. As a result of my experiences, I am very committed to having a second child soon (I want my children to be no more than 3 years apart). My husband and I too have busy careers and limited time and financial resources, but I think having a second (or even third!) child is something that's very important for us to give to our child. Sibling relationships, after all, do last a lifetime, whereas parental relationships do not.

Having said all that, I know that there is no guarantee that siblings will be close. My husband, for example, is not close to any of his siblings, but I think that fact may have to do with the vast age differences (10+ years) between the siblings. In any event, I think what's important to keep in mind is that in having 2 or more children, you are creating a family with uncles, aunts, in-laws, cousins, etc., even if your children are not close.

I begged for a brother or sister for years when I was young, but it actually wasn't until I got older that I really felt the loss of not having a sibling. I feel a little bit robbed that I will never know what it feels like to have a sibling, or a niece or nephew, or to be an aunt, or somebody's sister. My father died of cancer this summer and I felt the loss so profoundly, and it seemed like there was no one to relate to about his death. Other family members felt differently because he was something different to them than he was to me. My friend told me that when her mom died, her brother was the only thing that got her through it, because he had lost the same mom too.

The other things to consider are your personality and your child's personality. My mom always says that she couldn't concentrate on more than one kid and that I was enough of a handful that she didn't want to try. I think that's a chicken or the egg argument, because it's possible I was such a handful due to being an only child. Only children get stereotyped as brats, and we aren't all, but you do have do be more mindful of those kinds of things when one child is getting all of the focus.

Don't underestimate the impact a second child will have in your family. While many people think the first child is the one that really changes your lifestyle, my experience was that I had more trouble going from one child to two children than from none to one. Maybe it isn't common, but #2 was quite hard for me. (Colic, ear infections and sleep issues in #2 were big contributors!)

On the other hand, as an only child, I became a very independent adult and quite comfortable being by myself.

I don't think my relationship with my parents would have been any different with or without siblings.

I don't think it's effected my ability to make close relationships, although I am sensitive perhaps due to not going through the sibling rivalry experience (it seems to perhaps give you tougher skin)

As an only child, alot of energy is focused on me from my parents because they have no other children to focus on. This can be good or bad depending if the focus is positive or negative. And the weight of parents' declining health will be all my responsibility since there are no siblings to share with yet his hasn't occurred yet.

I have one child and definitely would like to have a couple more.

So, although, it is expensive in time and money, we have made a commitment to building life long relationships with his cousins, some important shared memories, so that they can talk in the future about their youth and their experiences with their related but different parents. My generation had their children in their late 30s and 40s so I am well aware that my son will have no immediate relatives (adopted or birth) by the time he is my age, and that does seem very lonely indeed. Christine

I am also very close to my parents. More so it seems to me than friends of mine with brothers and sisters. My parents today are like my best friends and advisors. This is a wonderful relationship to have and I feel very lucky.

It seems to me from reading your posting that the idea of having another child is more of a stress than a desire. My advice to you is to just relax and enjoy the family you have already. Your child will grow up to be a wonderful person thanks to your nurturing and will find others to be "brother" and "sister" through life's course.

Sincerely, a content only child

Yes, raising two is hectic in a two career family, but my wife, my daughter and I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. Mike

My mom wanted and expected a walking and talking doll. Unfortunately, that isn't what she got when she adopted me (her first child). She had no idea what it was like to raise kids or even be a child with another child as she had little experience of this herself. When my sister and I fought, she was completely overwhelmed. All she could say was that she always wanted a sister and couldn't understand why we fought.

Having kids is challenging period! One thing I would like to add is that when I had my second daugther, I was keenly aware that immediately (like as we came home from the hospital) we went from being a threesome to being a family. I actually felt closer to my husband than I had since the birth of our first child. We became a couple again; a couple with two kids. Plus, my relationship with each of my children is so amazingly unique it is hard to imagine without experiencing it.

It is a huge decision and I applaud you for thinking of the effect is has on your child. If you do decide to have one child (a very understandable decision), I encourage you to find ways to let you kid be a kid and not a short adult. Make sure those difficult friends do come over, spend lots of time with cousins, share yourself with others in front of your child as much as possible, talk about your experience of being in a family whatever the make up.

Best of luck on your journey Terry

First my background: I am the only child of my two parents, but have half and step siblings from my parents' previous and subsequent marriages. My half siblings are between 10 and 16 years older than me and never lived with me, and my step siblings arrived on the scene when I was 11 and lived with me two days a week. I spent most of my childhood as the only child in the house, but as I grew older I grew close to both my steps and halves. I wouldn't trade my relationship with them for anything, but I have no qualms about my son being an only child.

I should say at the outset that I never, not even once, during my childhood wished to have siblings. It just wasn't something I thought about, not even when I was given the gift of three step-siblings at age 11. It was fun to have them around on the days they lived at our house, but I didn't feel that they filled some kind of unmet yearning. I never remember being lonely, both because I had many friends and because I grew up to be quite self-reliant. I can say that I have never been bored with my own company, and while I think some of that is simply temperment, it's also that as an only child I learned to create a fulfilling inner life for myself. I am also social and outgoing, like group activities, have many friends, know how to share, etc. Generalizations to the contrary made in previous postings seem utterly spurious to me. There is no single ingredient that determines what a person is going to be like -- it depends on the person, and on the family.

Which brings me to my main point. I think that as parents we're fooling ourselves if we think we can create the perfect family environment and thus the perfect human being if we only make all the right decisions. The sooner we realize how much is out of our hands, the better off we'll be Shit happens. You can plan to have more than one kid, and not be able to get pregnant. You can plan to have an only child, and get pregnant accidentally. I have friend who was an only child, and decided to have a second kid because he resented not being able to share the burden of caring for his elderly parents. Both children are now in their thirties and it turns out the second child is a total flake who isn't particularly interested in his parents. It's going to be up to the first kid anyway. There's no predicting it. I know people whose two children love each other and are best pals, and people whose children fight constantly. I know adults who are close with their siblings and adults who feel they have nothing in common with their siblings. I know adults who are resentful that they are only children, and adults who feel that their parents ruined their childhood by bringing another kid into the picture. I know only children who are spoiled rotten, and ones who are delightful.

My point is: there's no one right answer, and no way to predict what your child will resent you for. Chances are, it's going to be something you never even considered. My mother has a long list of things she feels guilty about doing as a parent, and not one of them is on my list of things I feel resentful about. Most I don't even remember. I think it's easy to seize on the number of kids in your family as a reason for your problems ("I was the oldest, so I always had to be responsible," "I was the youngest, so no one paid attention to me," "I was in the middle, so I always had to be the mediator," "I was an only child, so I was lonely"). But really, it's not the circumstances, it's the way they were handled that count.

Ever choice has its pitfalls. As the parent of a child who is probably going to be an only, I feel I have to make sure not to treat him as a little adult, and make sure that his father and I aren't so involved in his life that it's hard for him to separate from us, and make sure that there are lots of children in his life. If I were to have another child, there would be other things to work on: not favoring one child over another, making sure that my expectations for each were based on who they are and not on my experience with the other. I'm sure there are many more.

Ultimately, having a child, whether it's your first or your fourteenth, is a selfish decision. We have them, hopefully, because we want them, and our desire to be with them overrides what we know about how much work they are, how expensive, etc. The planet certainly does not need any more children, and children the world over have grown up to be happy and well adjusted with far more challenges than being an only child.

All of us want to believe we've made the right choice, but that doesn't mean that our choice is THE right choice, it's only A right choice. So let's cut ourselves some slack and try to make the decisions that make the whole family happy. Children whose parents are obsessed with creating the perfect life for them are the ones who are going to end up with the biggest resentments and the most disappointments. The rest will adjust, adapt, and ultimately do just fine.