|Berkeley Parents Network|
|Home||Members||Post a Msg||Reviews||Advice||Subscribe||Help/FAQ||What's New|
Advice about Sex
My boyfriend has always gotten just about whatever he wanted from me in bed. I have gone above and beyond my comfort level to engage in very kinky things to please him. He is also very selfish. It's all about him, and there has been little interest in my style of sex or my sexual needs. I don't expect perfection, just compromise, or getting my way some of the time. I get my way precisely never.
I finally told him that he's very selfish and our sex could be more fulfilling, and it's a big deal to me that he never makes the effort to give me orgasms. I've had zero with him, but I'm capable if he were only interested in doing his part. I also refuse to fake orgasms, because I deserve to have the real thing. I told him that we have to grow as a couple.
He is very masculine and his pride is very hurt. He said I have no tact and I should have sugarcoated it. I disagree because in his dealings, he is always very direct, despite hurting my feelings. I also needed him to really hear it and not just brush this off because I was too nice in my delivery.
I want us to work together to have a mutually satisfying sex life. I can't live the rest of my life with unsatisfying sex. It makes me listless and hopeless.
The downside is now he doesn't want any sex at all. He says he just has no libido right now and I caused it, but he wants a relationship with me. In the long term, a relationship without sex is a dealbreaker (even bad sex is better than no sex). Of course I can be understanding in the short term (obviously, since I've put up with his self-centered sex so long).
I want to work through this together, but being straighforward and honest only backfired. I'm not pushing him at all to have sex with me. I've hoped that he will deal with his disappointment/feelings of failure and work it out with me, but he has only retreated. I really need to get laid, and fix this problem.
He would absolutely not be willing to see a therapist or doctor. What should I do?
He insists on getting his way and you have given it to him? You speak your mind, and he is now withholding sex? Sorry, but this guy sounds like a very self-centered, abusive man. Dump the guy, find someone who cares about you and communicating, read Dan Savage, and buy a vibrator. Good Luck. Jeanne
''I really need to get laid, and fix this problem.'' On the first point, DIY! From the sound of it, self-pleasure would be an improvement over your current accomodations. To quote Woody Allen, "Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love." More importantly, it's sex with someone who loves YOU.
And so on the second point, yes, you need to fix this problem.
Not literally--castrating him would only win you a charge of
aggravated battery--but figuratively, by breaking up with this
schmuck, and finding someone who can love you back.
You don't say how long you've been dating your boyfriend but regardless he sounds very immature. You communicated your feelings openingly and honestly and now he's penalizing you by withholding sex. This says a lot about him as a person and you should not disregard this warning sign! You say you've had no orgasms with him-zero-and this is news to him? He must not be very intuitive since you apparently have not faked an orgasm either (good for you by the way!). He sounds selfish, clueless, immature and he's lousy in bed to boot. A good lover, and loving relationship, is tantamount in order for a couple to grow. You don't have that and chances are you won't since he refuses to go to counseling. I'm not sure what you are waiting for? Hopefully your self esteem is in tact and you have the courage to walk out the door and stop investing in a dead end relationship. Best of luck.
Hello, I could have written your post. Right now I am taking an assertiveness training class at Kaiser and am learning how to assert myself in relationships. I have learned that when you try to get your needs met some of the existing relationships in your life may fall away. It sounds like he was attracted to you b/c you were passive or compliant and did not know how to get your needs met. Several of us in the class are finding that long running relationships based on one person getting their needs met and the other not, are being seriously challenged by our assertiveness training. It sounds like he can't or won't meet your needs and you may have to find someone who will. You could also try taking the class - you don't have to be a Kaiser member to do it. Good luck! anon
You didn't really say if you've been trying to communicate your needs to him everytime you have sex. Could it be that your boyfriend had no idea how you've been feeling all this time and that what you told him was a shock and a surprise? By suddenly telling him everything all at once was probably a little hard for him to process quickly and easily. Give him the time and space to let the new information sink in. And let him know that you care about him and that you didn't mean any harm. Don't look at it like he's depriving you of sex while he is trying to deal with the new information. It sounds like he needs to find a way to deal with it. Yes you need to be straightforward, but in the future you need to keep the lines of communication open and tell him what your needs are while you are having sex. It is not fair to him or to yourself to withhold you feelings and give in to his demands endlessly and then suddenly tell him how it has made you feel in a way that is kind of shocking and even hurtful. He may be selfish, but you have to help him learn how to be giving. Let him know how important he is to you and let him know that you can show him what makes you feel good. If you were having troubles with communicating to him in bed, was it because you were afraid to ask him to please you? Are you shy in bed? Were you expecting him to know what to do and you just waited and waited to see if he would ever try to please you? What ever the reson is, you need to tell him so that he can better understand where you are coming from and why it took you so long to finally bring the subject up. Don't try to use the blame game. It sounds like you both played a roll in this problem. You can't expect your boyfriend to always know what to do in a relationship. I know it's really tiring sometimes, but some men are just incredibly dense and need their hand held and guided with very clear instructions. That's why communicating on a regular basis is so important. And listening too. You have to learn to listen to one another. I believe you both can work through this. Give it time. Let him know how much you love him, talk talk talk, and make it work. Goodluck From Venus
Sorry to hear about your predicament. It seems like you have put up with more than your share, given up too much, and have gotten little satisfaction in return; that your boyfriend is too proud to think of himself as lacking in any way, to seek counseling, discuss things, etc. I disagree that your being honest 'only backfired,' because it was very necessary for you to bring it up, despite the current ramifications on your sex life.
I hope this is not too direct: I think he has serious growth ahead of him, and there's a possibility that this 'project' may be too much for you to tackle. My suggestion: start setting and announcing landmarks/time limits for improvement, beyond which you may have to part ways. This will either shock him into the seriousness of your needs or hasten the unravelling of an undesireable situation. I wish you the best, whatever course you take.
Oh, one last thing: I hope that you can see and use 'masculine' (in quotes) when explaining your boyfriend's obstinacy/selfishness to your needs. Maybe this was how my gender tended to act more in the past. I think more and more of us now see that it pays off (and it's lovely) to pay attention, to learn, and to explore the mysteries of body and sex. anon
Move on. This sounds like a no-win situation. Anon
I strongly recommend you do the HAI (Human Awareness Institute) workshops on Love, Intimacy, and Sexuality. www.hai.org They have some wonderful staff members at HAI who are experts in the area of sex and sexuality. I recommend talking with Peter Rengel or anyone of their other Workshop Facilitators. They are amazing people. I would also recommend checking out The Landmark Forum www.landmarkeducation.com best to you both, David
Leave. That simple. You said yourself he is selfish. What makes you think he is ever going to be different? how is that going to work if you have kids? Believe me i have girlfriends in that situation now and it is way worst as you have to consider children. Anyone will tell you that while it might be hard to leave now it will get so much worst and complicated later as your lives get more entengled. I think you also need to take some time to think about yourself and why you went beyond your comfort level with him. Yes we all have a bit but this is not a good base for a relationship. It sund slike you are afraid to be without him and that you ar willing to go too far to keep him...and that means you don't have much of a happy future tgether.
First off, your boyfriend is right. It's pretty clear to me that you ''played nice'' (or at least kept quiet) for a long time about the sex, right up until you got so mad that you presented in a very hurtful way
Regardless of anything, this is not the way to run a relationship. You SAID that you said mean things to him. This is not nice. If you want to break up with the guy, break up with him. If you want to address sexual issues, do so out of the sack, in as positive a way as possible. If you do this several times and he doesn't respond, THEN you zap him. Come on. This stuff is basic.
But let's talk about you. I have some advice. I am a multi-generation Californian (Northern) and realized about twenty years ago that the way that we raise girls around here leaves a little to be desired. Girls (at least when I was growing up) were taught that being ''NICE'' was good. Screw honesty. This is a lovely concept, and works for Some women. For other women, it makes them bitter, closet drinkers, or just nasty. Do you want this? Probably not.
I would suggest that you spend a little time getting to know yourself and noticing all of the times you try to be ''nice,'' especially about stuff that's really bothering you. Then cut it out. Gradually. If someone's loud chewing bothers you, tell them nicely that you're highly neurotic and their chewing drives you nuts. Go ahead and apologize for it if you're being wierd. What the heck. But get it out. Practice a bit.
If you love this guy, then you need to apologize, cop to the fact that you let yourself get way too mad, and work harder. If you are going to marry this guy (and yes, you should think about marriage. If not now, then you should be practicing for it.), then you'll have to live with him and yourself forever. Develop the communication skills now. Learn to talk about your needs and dislikes with humor, and in a ''here's the problem, let's fix it'' way. This is the type of lesson that many people don't learn until after their first marriage and after the first five years of therapy laugh
Be honest. Don't try to be too nice. If you do and let yourself get too mad, cop to your fault in the matter and apologize.
Lastly, if this guy is really selfish, re-think why you're with him. I didn't get married until I was 35 and ended up spending 100K in infertility because really, you don't have forever. If this guy isn't someone you can really partner up with, toss him and go find someone else who you can. Life is short. Not Fake Nice - But a Great Person!
Hi there, What should you do? You should dump this loser, big time. Let me recap: He is selfish in bed and makes you do things you don't want to do without reciprocating or considering your pleasures, he is blunt and selfish when communicating his needs, but petulant and childish when his feelings get hurt, and now he is witholding the aformentioned crappy sex because you didn't sugar coat the truth and his machismo got all bent out of shape. Puh-lease! Tell him to take a hike and go find someone who cares about you, the longer you waste time with this dickhead the more it will start to seem normal to be treated badly, and then you really will have a problem. You deserve better, so go get it. Over your boyfriend, and I don't even know him.
So let's see, he's selfish in bed, so macho he can't see a therapist or counselor, and ridiculously childish and petulant in response to your attempts to discuss the problem. What was so good about this guy again? Lose him and move on. anon
''even bad sex is better than no sex'' ? I have to disagree personally. but that is just me.
I had a boyfriend once who berated me for not sugarcoating my opinions or insinuating them into his psyche somehow so that he'd think it was his idea. He was Chinese, I'm white and I told him (we were living in China at the time) that if that was the way they do it in his country then he should go out and find a Chinese woman and that I was not going to manipulate him. Since then, I have gotten the impression that this is not just a Chinese thing but a feature of many relationships and many cultures. you sound like you know what you're willing and not willing to live with and the same is true for him. That's a good thing. It can't hurt for you to see a therapist by yourself to figure out what you want to do about it.
I think people's sex lives are often a litmus for the rest of the relationship. I get the feeling your BF is hiding behind his masculine facade so he doesn't have to deal with you of his own feelings of inadequacy. What if he actually tries to get you off and fails? that would be a much bigger blow to his inflated ego. Have you asked yourself why you stay? There are other men out there who would be more interested in you and your needs. good luck
Are you a mom? Seriously... You don't sound like any mom I know. ''In the long term, a relationship without sex is a dealbreaker...'' Not for any mom I'm acquainted with.
Seriously, if you are a parent requesting advice about how to get more sex out of a partner who is unwilling to compromise, you have bigger issues on your plate than just figuring out a way to get laid. If there are kids involved, the advice you would receive, at least from me, would be totally different than what I would tell a single, childless woman, which frankly, that's who it sounds like you are from your post. If a parent, you might consider reposting with essential details like whether or not he's the father of your child(ren), what age(s) your children are, is your relationship working (ie is there compromise in other aspects of your relationship?) otherwise? In which case I might offer the suggestion of going to see a therapist on your own for guidence and gaining essential tools for just such a relationship where more than just you (ie your child(ren)) would be affected if you should decide to leave the relationship.
If not a parent, I would say move on, find someone who will make you happy and is willing to compromise, because that's what relationships are all about, in the end. Compromise. ESPECIALLY, if and when you bring kids into the picture. All that said, if you are the latter and not a parent, I frankly, don't feel you should be addressing a parents forum for advice. anon
You don't say how long you've been with your boyfriend or what keeps you with him, but if your bf is not willing to get therapy, it'd be better for both of you to move on and find more compatible mates. Sorry. Lose him. Anonymous
What should you do??? DUMP HIM. He sounds like a self-centered, immature, exploitive, uncaring, manipulative LOSER. Why would you even consider staying? -- Outta There
Ummmmm dump him? Sounds like your boyfriend is working overtime to try to control you and assert power over you via sex. To be direct, as you mentioned in your posting: if he won't meet you half way on anything, not even seeing a therapist, dismisses your needs because they weren't ''presented properly'', and accuses you of being solely at fault for your problems as a couple, where do you think the relationship is going to go? anon
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time w/ the boyfriend! But, you're right, sex is really important in a relationship and if it's not working for you, then the relationship needs work. I'd suggest couples counseling. OUr therapist said: 'couples that talk well, f*ck well' and she turned out to be right. Maybe you could have used the old 'i love it when you do _____', although I tried that for years and never got what I wanted. SOme men are too dense to get the hint (sorry!). But really, if you can't talk about it, it's not going to get better. Some people are really scared of couples counseling, but it only helps. GOOD LUCK! namastesf
I want to work through this together, but being straighforward and honest only backfired. Another way to look at this. If you cannot ask for what you want, if you cannot communicate what you feel, if he cannot be honest enough to acknowledge that the two of you have a problem and be willing to work on it together, what's in this relationship for you? Maybe it's time to leave. anon
I want to preface this with an apology for not ''sugar coating'' my response to your query. Break up with this guy. Do not marry him, or get pregnant. You will regret it for the rest of your life. These issues seem to go beyond just sex, and are more about respect and love, or the lack thereof. After some time has passed without him you will hopefully have some perspective. It would probably be helpful for you to do your own personal work such as therapy to work through what are probably complicated issues around relationships with men. anonymous
OK, so your boyfriend is selfish, demanding, unwilling to compromise, and unwilling to work on issues with you. Do you think these are elements of a healthy relationship? What sort of future do you see with him? Why are you tolerating the inequality and disrespect in this relationship? What would you tell a friend who came to you in the same situation, asking for your advice Can you give this advice to yourself?
----You Deserve Better----
The boyfriend with lack of libido would be perfect for alot of women who write to this list about their lost of interest in Sex;-)
Seriously When your single you should have an awesome sex life, something that you can look back for the rest of your life and relish on. The last thing you want is to start off with a poor sex life and go downhill from there. I suggest you find a new boyfriend that satisies your sex life over and above. Theres plenty of Fish in the sea, especially guys that will want to do this for you. Sex is only going to downhill as your relationship matures. Whenever you marry and have kids you will probably be the one with lack of libido and your husband will be the one complaining. Thinking of any kind of counselling for your significant other before marriage is another good reason to get out of a relationship. concerned male
I am glad that you like direct. Get out of this relationship. He is acting like a little boy with hurt feelings and acting out and trying to blame and punish you for wanting a sexual partner that is willing to listen and be attentive. It is unlikely that he will grow up in this lifetime. You can definately find a partner that will love to love you just as you like it if that is what you want. Don't ever compromise on being straightforward and honest. Life is too short for that. anon
It's easy to assume that a man who's this selfish in one aspect of his life is the same way in many other parts of his life. He's not willing to reciprocate, he does not care about what pleases you, he's hurt when you try to communicate about your needs... To be totally blunt DUMP THE LOSER! My first serious relationship was with a man like this and it took me way too long to end things with him. Once I met my husband, I realized how good it felt to be treated well and how awful it was to be with such a selfish man before. Been there, wouldn't go back!
Your boyfriend sounds both arrogant and terribly selfish. He also sounds very insecure, and now he's blaming you for his insecurity and is punishing you for making him feel like a failure in the sack. It sounds like you were honest and blunt, and I can only assume that you've brought this issue up in the past and gotten nowhere with it which is why you threw it in his face so blatantly this time. But it does seem like a predicament; you've vocalized your sexual preferences and needs, and he's completely rejected them and turned it all into how cruel you are for not shutting up and accepting the status quo -- which really means you dinged his ego. You've done all kinds of things to/for him that he likes, but he denies you the same. Now he's not even gonna try at all and he won't go for counseling...
The one thing that sticks out as a possibility in my mind is that he is afraid he won't do what you want the right way, that he doesn't KNOW how to do what you want, and is afraid of feeling immasculated if the Big O doesn't come storming out of you when he does try. Poor guy; it's hard to be macho, isn't it? Well, dear, it sounds like you've done what you can do, pretty much. You certainly can't force him to have sex with you, but you can tell him what you've just told all of us: a no sex relationship is a deal breaker (and by the way, there's no reason to accept bad sex, either) and that you and he work on this together, or you're going to have to break it off. Oh, and tell him that pouting and trying to punish you is simply NOT going to work. I also don't buy that shit about his libido right now... no, no, honey... he's punishing you because he feels like a loser. You could offer to guide him; take a few interesting classes at Good Vibes (check their website), plan some really erotic evenings (with his consent) during which you show him exactly what to do to please you. And try to be compassionate about his fragile ego. BUT, if he just can't/won't come through for you, you should probably check yourself out of this relationship and find a more accommodating man. --good sex is better than bad sex.
Wondering if anyone has advice on how to communicate with spouse about sex in a constructive, open way. My husband is a wonderful man whom I love deeply (married 10 years, two young children), but I don't feel I can talk to him openly about my needs because he is extremely moody and sensitive, and of course, there's the problem of male pride that requires extra tact and diplomacy. One day I got tired of having to be so ''delicate'' and just blurted out my frustrations, which turned out to be the biggest mistake in the universe. The main issues are my desire for more love in making love and less sexual fantasy (involving multiple partners, which does not appeal to me but I go along with it to make him happy), and his desire for me to fondle him for a great length of time in the beginning (which I get bored and tire of, but again, go along with to make him happy). Any ideas? anon
Communication can be difficult and especially when the subject is a sensitive one. My advice is to- Use ''I'' statements. Tell how you feel. For example- I feel uncomfortable about... I feel bored ... I like it when you do... I would like to feel more loved. I like.... I feel loved .... I feel xyz emotions... Whatever you do...do NOT make the disquised ''you'' statements that deceptively look like an ''I'' statement. It is still a ''you'' statement. These look like this.. I feel that you..., I want you to..., I feel as if you.... Don't use these! If you make clear ''I'' statements you are not putting him on the defensive. If he starts to feel defensive then remind him that you are telling him how you feel. Reassure him. Give him encouragement and some positive feedback. Communication is a key to better sex. anon
I would suggest a course my husband and I took from the ''Welcomed Consensus'' called Common Sexuality. My husband and I learned a heck of a lot from these folks. www.welcomed.com Good luck...ask for what you want...and have fun! Deanna
Well unfortunatly you have trained him he ''CAN BE'' that spoiled and selfish.. can you imagine having someone who would ''meet your needs'' in bed every time... what a wonderfule life for him I'm sorry but i love my husband and hs isselfish too in this way but basically after i had kids i just refused to just pleasure only him...and guess what the baby is 1 now and he just had an affair.. so it just goes to show if you don't do it , he will get it somehere else... sad and scorn DH
I'm an advocate of the carrot rather than the stick. "I love it when you do..." (even if he's never done it!) works MUCH better than "I don't like that or I'm sick to death of that." And do it in the moment, not afterwards. Coaching works best in the game, not in replay. Also, I read somewhere that it is a lot better to SAY it rather than moving his hand, or whatever. Or at least talking while you are re-positioning him. Give him CONSTANT reassurances about what an incredible turn-on it is to be with him, and how you are just DYING to try this with him ...
Yes the frustrated ''blurt'' can feel disastrous but at least it's a place to start. It's hard not to sound angry and frustrated when that's how you are feeling! I think the key is to start from (and state up front) the assumption that of course you know your husband (who is a good guy after all) wants to make you feel good, and you'd like to talk about or explore that with him. (And you have to be willing to say or show what you want or need. Like maybe sometimes it's you that gets the extensive foreplay!) It sounds like he has fallen into some pretty selfish habits and has probably been letting himself assume that what turns him on turns you on too. Now that you've let him know that's not true he feels bad and is probably acting defensive. Maybe you could suggest shopping together online or at Good Vibrations for a book or video about sex. Even if you never end up purchasing one, it is a good way to start a conversation and feel like this is something you are doing together. There are always going to be ruts that couples fall into, but hopefully you can move out of the one you are stuck in at the moment. wishing you satisfaction
First you need to acknowledge your own part in creating the situation you're caught in- you're as responsible for it as he is.
I've too pretended that I liked things thinking it was the path to getting my own needs met & it's never worked- I've learned that sex & life go better when my actions are honest. Not to say that I don't do things in bed for my partner's pleasure, only that if I'm doing them in a way I enjoy & don't feel like I'm just servicing him, it's exciting for me to feel him respond.
I've explored & experimented, having fun discovering what I like to give & get, what's an erotic turn-on for me, & I've felt more loving & sexy than when I did what I thought I was supposed to. With fellatio I used to do the old 'up & down' until my jaw locked! I've found that what I really like to do is slowly & sensually explore my partner's genitals with my mouth & hands, & both of us love it!
I've discovered that asking for simple little things like "would you run your finger along that tender seam where my thigh meets my hip?" can open whole new doors.
My boyfriend is prone to feeling blamed (about anything!) & I felt like I had to be super careful with him. It's taken many times of saying to him, "we're in this together, I love you, I'm not blaming you, I want to be open with each other & not walk on eggshells", for him to begin to get that he can trust me not to attack him or to betray our intimacy.
We all have our pride & sensitivity about out sexual selves. Years ago, a man I was deeply involved with "blurted out" something very intimate & negative about me- I was devastated.
All any of us can do in life is to change our own behaviour. I find that approaching problems as they arise, catching them when they're fresh, works better than long re-hashings of the past. Most of the time catching them means catching myself about to do or say something that's not true to myself. I don't always know what I want to do instead, but I find that if I just let a new space open up, new things will happen. It can be scary & there's no guarantee that I'm going to like what happens, but at least I'm free of the burden of trying to be someone I'm not. anon
I'm guessing others will say the same: You deserve to have your likes and dislikes communicated and respected. If you can't openly say, 'This is kind of boring,' or, 'I honestly don't enjoy this anymore,' etc., you are not honoring yourself in my view, and setting yourself up for future pain. Maybe you can set up a quiet time to talk in a neutral place. If you are unable to or he reacts strongly to your words, maybe you need a marriage counselor. Have courage and don't regret it. So relieved of my 'male' pride
Hello everyone, We've been trying to get pregnant but i have been having some strange spotting after we have sex. obviously it's unprotected so that is the only factor i can see that may be sparking the spotting i get afterward.
the last 3 times we tried, i would spot lightly (pink/brown like before a period) for up to a full week after the sex. and it's happening again - but this time seems more blood/less pink/brown - still only pantyliners worth. implantation spotting is supposedly 4-7 days after - and i wasn't pregnant any of those times so that isn't it.
i went to my NP at kaiser and they did a pap and tested for STD's and nothing came up, she also did an ultra sound to see if anything was going on in there.
now i'm frustrated because i feel like if i go back to the doc they will just chalk it up to another female abnormality they can't explain.
we had our first child 2 years ago, very little trying...=D also, the birth was pretty traumatic, they used suction and i had a 4th degree tear - and i bled for over a month after the birth - which is well above the normal period as well.
has anyone had a similar experience and found out what it was? could this be keeping us from getting pregnant?
your help is appreciated! trying not to worry
My first thought is - could you be too dry up there? You may need a lubricant to help things. When I was trying to conceive my second, we used Pre-Seed and it helped a lot. Sometimes it takes a lot longer to conceive the second baby - it only took 3 months for our first, but about 2 years for our second. Good luck!
You might want to make sure your doctor tested for human papillomavirus (HPV), since that sometimes causes a friable cervix that will bleed easily from an abrasion. Sometimes they will apply vinegar to the cervix and look for a whitening, which also indicates an infection. A regular pap smear can't detect the virus unless there are morphological changes to the cells (called a dysplasia), and sometimes all they test for regarding STD's are chlamydia and gonorrhea. Did you get a ThinPrep smear? In that case, they can do a test for HPV if one hasn't been done yet. lab worker
This could be completely unrelated to your situation, but hey, you never know. I recently was spotting for 2 weeks (when i never have before) and found out i have a Uterine Polyp. it is not detectable by ultrasound, and i have heard it may block fallopian tubes. the only way to SEE them is to do a ''Hysteroscopy'', where they go UP with a scope. the polyp is on a stem and it flops about, hitting your uterine wall, which may cause spotting. good luck to you.
Okay, I just watched an episode of Sex and the City from the 1st season in which Miranda's seeing a guy who goes and takes a shower immediately after they have sex. She basically tells him he's a freak and that sex is not dirty. Now I'm wondering if I'm a freak because I like to clean up afterward. I don't need to take a shower, but I don't like to lie around all sticky, either. My husband can clean up or not, depending on how tired he is. We are each other's one and only, so have noone else to compare to. I don't think I'll change depending on your answers, but I'm kind of curious . sn
My husband does this too and I think it's a bit anal(not literally). but I''ve had to let it go and realize he just has a thing about feeling ''icky''. I like to linger in the cozyness and warmth of an after-sex body.He'll do it for a minute or two but then just HAS to get up and go wash. Whatever!! We all have our ways about us! anonymous please
I like to wash up after sex, and not doing so can make my vulva itchy. It doesn't imply anything at all about sex being dirty, it's just a personal preference and comfort issue. Forget Miranda! anon
Yes, both my husband and I clean up. anon
I'm with you--I usually clean up afterwards, too. I see nothing wrong with it. My husband usually does not. anon
Almost immediately after sex, my husband goes to the sink in the bathroom and washes himself. Then he brings me tissues so I can wipe myself, or I use a washcloth, or jump in the shower with him. No big deal. I can't sleep with all that sticky wet stuff between my legs. I don't consider it dirty, just wet and sticky. Then we hop back into bed and cuddle somemore. Kathleen
This is why I love condoms.
If we use a condom, no need for a full shower. If we don't use one, yes please. JMHO :-) Anon
Well, if washing up after sex is deviant, count me in. I don't know why anyone would want to hang out, sleep or anything with someone elses bodily fluids all over them. When I first slept with the man who is now my husband, he was the best lover I had ever had (still is). The first thing he would do after sex was get a warm washcloth and wash me himself. Maybe it sounds weird, but for me it seemed more romantic than cuddling, maybe because it indicated a concern for my comfort as well as being very intimate. In any case, one should probably wash one's hands pretty soon after sex. Not into sticky goo.
Hi, I wash after sex too but rarely take a whole shower. I also don't like being sticky, but I don't want to wash away the mood or my partners good scent (unless I have to go somewhere right afterwards). I have been with people who do like to take a full shower and I felt the same as the girl on tv. Though some people sweat a whole lot and if they have a lot of body hair it might feel sticky to them too. Whatever makes you happy goes!!! anon
Civilized countries have bidets in their bathrooms for this very purpose! Which turns washing up after sex not into a kind of furtive inconvenience, but a pleasant, even sexy post-coital ritual. When my ship comes in, I'm gonna get a bidet in my house. heidi
I hate sticky, too, and if I don't wash up it turns to mildly itchy and I don't sleep well. Washing up seems no big deal and not saying that sex is dirty. Don't worry about it. me too
This episode cracked me up because years ago my husband and I would hear our upstairs neighbors having sex (if you live in an apartment, the muffled, thumping sound is unmistakable) and then immediately as soon as the thumping noise stopped, the shower would always turn on. My interpretation of the issue in the Sex and The City episode that you are talking about is more that her partner doesn't stay to allow for some intimate aftertime- not even a minute or two. Personally, I don't sleep as well if I feel like I'm ''leaking'' all night, so 9 times out of 10 I eventually get up and go do a quick wash up. The last time I had a bladder infection, I read that it is wise to go pee after sex in order to wash away any bacteria. However, if you wish to stay in bed, you could always keep a damp washcloth within reach. Heather
No, you're not alone. I don't like the mess either. We've never seen anything unromantic about cleaning up. I just chalked it up to another way TV sex is unlike real life... Mmmmm, ahhhh... excuse me
Of course you're not a freak! And I also believe sex is not dirty -- but it is messy & no one likes to tell you about that part. I don't know about others, but *most* times, I feel the need to clean up as well. It's a rare time that I don't. Now, I also don't have to go as far as taking a shower or even using a wet washcloth to clean up. I usually just wipe up with toilet paper and urinate. Especially for women-- cleaning up, and especially urinating after sex is very good practice. It helps prevent UTI's & yeast infections. Frisky & Fresh
Following sex, men aren't left with a fluid-filled receptacle with an unsealable, downward-facing opening. They can air-dry in seconds. If you want to clean up, do so. I wouldn't base any behavior on Miranda's! I use a pad, but maybe I'm just lazy.
I bought a big pack of those thin white hotel washcloths at Costco and we keep a stack of them in the bedside table. My husband hands me one afterwards, I do a quick cleanup and just toss it on the floor to pick up the next morning. Nobody has to get out of bed.
this page was last updated: May 16, 2011
BPN is now a 501(c)(3) non-profit and we are transitioning to a new website during 2015: BerkeleyParentsNetwork.org
Please see Disclaimer & Usage for information about using content on this website. Copyright © 1996-2015 Berkeley Parents Network