Toddler Sitting Still at Restaurant

I recently had lunch with a former colleague at a restaurant and had my 2.5 year old in tow. We chose a restaurant which I knew my son would eat at and could handle any loud noises he would make at the table. As soon as my son sat in the booster, he started to play with his utensils. This is his normal MO, but I remove anything that can break should they fall (ie. ceramics). We order quickly and while we're waiting, my son starts to sing loudly, and tap his utensils against the table. I try to get my son to settle down, but I came unprepared (no crayons and paper, no books). My colleague starts to eye my son, and I can already see the judgment starting. As soon as the food comes, my toddler sits and eats (mainly) on his own, but this only lasts til he's full, which, of course, happens within 10 to 15 minutes of eating. As soon as he's done, he starts to squirm in his booster and say, ''All done'' and whines to get out. After another ten minutes of trying to get him to sit still so my colleague can finish the rest of her lunch, I finally let him down, and he immediately runs to the restaurant window and eventually starts to pound the glass (at which point I haul him back to me). My colleague never says a word to me about it, but smiles sympathetically at me, which makes me feel very embarrassed about my son's restaurant behavior.

I'd like to know how other parents have trained their active toddlers to sit still at restaurants, or how to handle them so that the adults can manage to at least finish their meals with minimal disruption. Having crayons and books for him after he's done eating only buys me ten minutes, tops. We have trained my toddler at home to be excused after he's finished eating, but obviously this doesn't translate at a restaurant, which probably is confusing to him. Hungry Mom

As you suggested, distractions like crayons will help, but only for a while, and you'll still be having to constantly manage his entertainment. (''Look! A doggy! Why don't you color the doggy now! Do you want the blue crayon or the red one?'') Many parents also go the iPad route. (But again, a short-term fix.) My suggestion though is to just take restaurants off the table so to speak for at least a year, until he's old enough to have a bit more self- control, and to enjoy the ''dining out'' experience for its own sake. (i.e., getting to have special foods in a special place). So for lunches like this, I would either suggest postponing meals with other adults until a time when you have childcare scheduled, or inviting them to your home (or a park or outdoor area) and bringing in takeout. It's not the same as the dining-out experience, of course, but you know now that it's not worth going to a ''nice'' place if you're going to feel self-conscious the whole time. So just explain that to your colleague in advance. ''I would love to see you, but we won't be able to talk and relax at a restaurant if Johnny is there, so can I pick up some Thai food and meet you at the Rose Garden?''

I finished grad school when my son was 4 and my daughter 2, and my niece an infant. My parents wanted to go out for a celebratory lunch (in a restaurant), but with all those kids that would not have been my idea of fun and celebration. Instead we ordered a big catered meal from Rick and Ann's, and picked it up and ate it at the house. No table service obviously but it was SO much more enjoyable for the adults to just let the kids run around and do their thing and eat 2 or 3 bites of this and that instead of trying to keep them still and non-disruptive. So I would suggest you try to make that your default strategy until your son is at least a little older. Have patience - restaurants will return to your life!

Honestly my son is 7.5 and still acts just how you describe! No it's not exactly normal at this age but on the other hand I know of some of his friends who act the same, all active or hyper active boys. Trust me there is nothing you could motivate or threaten him with to comply longer than 1 or 2 minutes, so we don't eat out where we might disturb others.

Does your colleague have kids? If not then forget it, they just can't possibly understand. Or perhaps they have girls - we know plenty of parents with girls only who do NOT get that not all children are easy-quiet-still-neat like their girls. anon

We can go to sushi and he'll sit for 15 minutes because he's eating edamame and occasionally he'll go to Chinese because he loves to eat noodles slowly.

Otherwise, we only go out to eat at places with lawns that he can run on (there are like three places on our list). Gigi

It's unrealistic to expect a toddler to sit still at a restaurant. Really, don't bring him if you expect a nice quiet chat with another adult.

That doesn't mean I think you should never bring small children to restaurants. You just have to have realistic expectations of what such a young person can do. Keep bringing your son to restaurants for the practice. Our son eats very slowly, so I often ask for his plate to be brought first. That gives us about 10 minutes of play time with crayons or toys and about 30 minutes of eating time, if the food is sufficiently yummy to keep my kid eating. My husband and I take about 20 minutes to eat, and then we all finish around the same time.

Our best trick has been to stock a few little bags (like the clear zippered bags that Robies shoes come in) with special toys that only come out at restaurants. Mostly these are $10 sets of plastic animals, mini trains, etc. But we do have one set of Magformers ($49) which are a magnetic toy. Very fun, and less likely to get lost under the table.

Mostly though, you just have to wait this period out. enjoying restaurants again with my 4-year-old

Kids are all different-my friend could take her little boy to restaurants all the time while taking our boy was a set up for disaster. I realized quickly that having him in that situation put all of us in an uncomfortable position and stopped doing it. Do you have the right to eat in peace with a colleague-yes; can you do that effectively with your son right now-no. That's OK. I would periodically try out a restaurant and sometimes we'd have a good time and sometimes we'd have to rush through the meal, take the food to go, abort mission asap.

Also, I sense some embarrassment or feelings around the colleague. If she doesn't have kids, just think to yourself that if one day she does, on that day she will get it. People without kids just don't get it the way people with kids do. Or if she has kids and they don't behave that way, well lucky her, maybe she has a kid like my friend and not like me. Either way, sorry to say, you set yourself up. We all do it by accident or by hope sometimes. It's OK. Just don't make a habit of it. We do ourselves and our kids no favors to try to control them in ways they aren't developmentally ready for. Sorry for your crappy lunch. It happens. been there

It sounds like your son behaved himself about as well as any toddler could. If it's not part of your usual routine to have him sit at the table for more than 10 minutes at home, he isn't going to do it when you go out. I would suggest having get-togethers with your friends at your house (with take-out food if it's too hard to cook), or going to a family friendly place with outdoor seating during a non-peak time, where it isn't a big deal if he gets up from the table.

Sitting still in a restaurant for more than 25 minutes a pretty high expectation for a 2.5 year old. For us, a successful restaurant meal at this age was: get in, order food quickly, eat, pay, leave, not much lingering. If you want to continue your conversation with your friend, get dessert to go and head to a park.

Still, this is a great age to start practicing ''restaurant manners.'' Practice at home by playing restaurant. There's a wonderful and funny kids book called ''Sheep Out to Eat'' that is a great conversation-starter about how NOT to behave in a restaurant. Have a conversation in advance with your child about things they can do when they are waiting for the meal to start or end at a restaurant, and bring appropriate materials. Practice at kid-friendly places like the Ikea restaurant or your favorite casual/pizza place.

As a waiter, I noticed that the most well-behaved children were engaged in conversation by the adults that they were with, and were often prepared with a small quiet toy, pen & paper, or other materials. The adult conversations did not have to be 100% child-centric, but the successful adults were somewhat flexible and inclusive. The most poorly behaved children, in my observation, were completely left out of table conversation, and were not provided with anything besides utensils and condiments with which to occupy themselves. It is simply unsafe to allow any child to walk away from a table or play on a floor in a restaurant. Glassware was broken regularly in the dining room of every restaurant I've ever worked in, and there were always some remaining shards swept up at the end of the day. A co-worker once tripped over a child who raced through an aisle, and was severely burned because she was carrying two pots of hot coffee, and dumped them on herself in her effort to avoid the child. Anyone who has worked in restaurants will tell you plenty of other stories like this.

It's useful to always have a small surprise toy in a cupboard or glove box that you can grab as a distraction for unanticipated situations. A pencil case with stickers/markers/notepad, a mini-puzzle, a party favor they had forgotten they had, or a mini-pack of legos has worked wonders for me.

But I just sometimes really WANTED to go to a restaurant for dinner! So I eventually found those restaurants that are ''kid-friendly.'' I don't really like that expression myself, but it just seems to me that some places are and some places aren't.

I found:
--Sabuy Sabuy (one on College Ave and one on San Pablo Ave) where the owner offered to move the furniture so my children could run around better. I was aghast... but I got over it...
--Picante where there are many families (and therefore it's loud) and the service is quick. Good luck. Hang in there! Susan

But here's the thing: your child is doing exactly what his brain is neurologically programmed to do. From ages 2 - 6, a child's brain is biologically programmed to explore, experiment, and be impulsive. (''Positive Discipline for Preschoolers,'' Jane Nelsen.) So 10 minutes at a restaurant for a 2.5 year old is pretty good! Even much older kids, depending on their individual temperaments and cognitive abilities, may struggle with sitting at a meal (anywhere) for long periods of time. ''Kids do well when they can.'' This is my favorite mantra from Ross Greene, author of ''The Explosive Child'' and ''Lost at School.'' Kids do well when their cognitive skills and abilities match the demands of the situation. When the expectations of the situation outstrip their cognitive abilities, that can show up as ''misbehavior'' - but itC",b"s really not. In this case, it's your child doing the best he can, based on the skills and abilities his little brain has acquired after a short 2.5 years on the earth. That's not to say you shouldn't have high expectations for your tot. You should. But they should be grounded in empathy and understanding for where he's at developmentally. When we expect our kids to do more than they're capable of doing, it's a recipe for frustration on all sides. You feel annoyed or embarrassed and your child feels inadequate. Lose-Lose.

For more information on developmentally appropriate behavior for little ones, check out ''Positive Discipline for Preschoolers'' or the website PositiveDiscipline.com. Marcilie

They are not compliant, quiet children. Ok our son is more that way, and our daughter not at all - she's a bit more bossy and temperamental. But here's what I suggest (and what we do):

* Time the restaurant trip to avoid tantrum triggers. This is key.
* Start early and often. We first took our kids out when they were around 3 months old.
* Model behavior at home and set clear expectations of this is how meals should go - both at home and restaurants they are consistent.
* We do not take food away if they drop any. We simply teach them over and over that food does not go on the floor.
* At home, they bus their own table. We also use a tablecloth on their little table/chair (no high chairs or boosters at home) to have a clear, visual start/end to the meals.
* We do not give them electronics. We talk to them and entertain. We play peekaboo with the napkin, talk about things on the table or in the restaurant, do potty trips, etc. - whatever we have to do to make the time pass away. Yes, it's work on your part but it's better than dealing with screaming kids. We also do no timeouts as we prefer education over punishment.
* We do not allow our kids to have straws or styrofoam cups. They eat those cups and the straws become a big fuss. We know those set our kids up for failure so we request real glass cups for them because we know they will handle those MUCH better. So set your kids up for success too. We also move silverware and everything out of reach. When they were very small, we allowed them to bring a small toy with them that wouldn't be loud if they banged it on the table.

I think staying at home just robs your children of this experience and this need to be constantly educated about how to behave in public. People don't expect toddlers to be perfect at the table. But I personally believe in setting a high standard and giving kids the benefit of the doubt while also constantly educating and yes, it's more work but it will pay off in the end. Our kids are now 2 and they will sit through an entire restaurant meal. They know they are not allowed to get up and run all over the restaurant and make everyone else annoyed. Happily eating with twin toddlers

Eating out with a toddler

My wife and I have a spirited 16 month old son. Our last few restauarant outings have been awful, to say the least, and I no longer want to go out to eat with my son. My wife, on the other hand, thinks its a great idea and when the discussion comes up ''what to eat?'' her response is always to go somewhere that is not child friendly.

I do and continue to do all the food shopping and cooking and i'm a pretty good cook who incorporates my wife and sons food preferences into every meal, not to mention using mostly farmers market produce and food of a much greater quality than any baby- friendly restauarnt will provide.

So, soon family is coming to town and my wife has stated how we will be going out a lot; and her family likes to go to nice restaurants. I am dreading this already.

Beyond the obvious challenges of eating out with a toddler, I just don't think my wife is sensitive to fellow diners and the staff working at these restaurants. My son screams (happily) at the top of his lungs when we eat out and leaves a field of food under his chair which the staff has to clean up. I never feel like I can enjoy my food or conversation because I am trying to head off some problem or keep our little guy engaged so he doesn't scream or cry. The other big part is that I care about the staff and fellow diners and feel bad that our son is impacting their lives.

Lately eating at home has become very unpleasant as I am constantly overriding my wife's desire to eat out and I feel like I have to put on a 3 star meal every night and take on more cleaning chores to keep everyone OK with staying home.

I dont feel that we have the extra money to be eating out and I feel that my son eats more food when at home without all the distractions and we can be more flexible with each meal.

I know soon I will face a tough decision; go with my wife's family and my son out to some nice restaurants or opt out and stay at home. I have offered to cook every night for her family but my wife insists that this is too much work for me although I really love cooking.

Any suggestions? Chef Dad

Also, when you go out....take turns going outside with your toddler. It's really not a very fun way to go out to eat, but it keeps the toddler busy and the noise level down.

I wonder if your wife thinks that if she takes the toddler to restaurants often enough he will become better socialized. I think he's not old enough to learn proper restaurant behavior....and truthfully, having 2 VERY DIFFERENT boys, some kids just aren't restaurant material till way later. Good luck. I hope you stick to your guns for ALL of our sakes. fellow parent

If your wife insists on going out to nice restaurants, you should hire a babysitter and leave your child at home. There are appropriate places to take your children, and place where toddlers should be kept out.

Your wife ought to consider herself lucky that you're cooking wonderful meals at home. Tell her to grow up! Annoyed with insensitive parents

I'm not sure why your wife doesn't see this unless you shoulder the bulk of the responsibility for your youngster when you go out while she enjoys the nice dinner. The whole dining experience with family visiting sounds stressful for you so I would present these choices:

- you will cook nice dinners at home for most nights and agree to go to family friendly restaurants (there are nice ones that don't serve just chicken nuggets) one or two nights of the visit.

- if wife insists on fine dining, let her take your toddler on her own. Maybe if she has to be the one managing your child she'll see things a more from your perspective. Perhaps try this a few times before your family comes into town. Unless she's completely oblivious to the restaurant experience for your toddler and others, she should get why this isn't fun for you.

And how lucky for your wife that you like to cook good meals for the entire family. My 2 Cents

As parents, we put the needs of our children before our own needs. Sounds like your son needs the focus you can only truly give him when he is at home. He's not ready to go to nice restaurants with you, and that's OK. Someday he will be. Until then, don't go. If I want to hear a toddler shrieking with joy, I can do that at home.

It sounds like your wife enjoys going out to dinner. So do we, and we frequently go out on dates after our son is asleep. (We swap babysitting with other families to make it more economical.) Maybe you can focus on how much you enjoy going out to dinner with your wife, and suggest that you try to do it without your son.

Honestly, from your description, it sounds like your wife is being selfish and unreasonable. You shouldn't have to take on additional chores to compensate for cooking a healthy meal at home for your family. Chef Mom

1) When your wife's family comes to town, why don't you just hire a babysitter for a few evenings, so that you can all go out an enjoy it. Cook the rest of the evenings. I know that when my family comes to town we prefer to sit around the dinner table, enjoy wine and laugh at home just as much (actually, probably more than) as going to a restaurant. A few 'child-free' evenings is also welcomed.

2) Hire a babysitter so that you can do something with your wife just once a week (or every other week). I know that I sometimes push to go out for dinner with my husband, but it isn't because I want to go out for dinner...I want to be some place without the kids (mine are 3 & 5). Often we will just go to a nice brepub have a pint or two and eat a nice, but not outrageous meal. Your wife's differing view on the dinner hour may just be a need for some child free time...

3) The sub-3 age at restaurants can be tough. I know that I hated spending the money to go out for a nice dinner and have to spend the whole time bending over backwards to keep the children engaged. I generally aimed for the 5 o'clock hour when I would take my very young children to restaurants. That way I wasn't usually disturbing other people (except for other families) if my child decided to let loose with a shriek. The problem will soon shift from behavior management to real enjoyment at the table. I take my own two daughters and their two friends (two 3 1/2 year olds and two 5 1/2 year olds) out to dinner every Tuesday night after ice skating lessons -- just a treat. Granted, the five of us are not fine dining, but I am usually one on four for 45-minutes inside a restaurant (sometimes my husband is in town and joins us). We have a great time...we try to whisper our entire conversation so that people will think we are spies...which generally means that our voices are normal...we play letter games and math games and talk about our days. -anon

If you can convince your wife that she gets restaurant food, no cooking for you, and you get none of the tension, maybe it will be compromise. It's also cheaper -- since drinks aren't included, and are cheaper at home (we always open some wine, which we wouldn't pay for at a restaurant). We don't, but you could even use paper plates to cut down on clean-up.

We only started enjoying eating out with our son when he turned 6 -- and he's a really well-behaved child. That only works when the toddler is not with us, of course.

If you do go out, our policy was a *really* good tip and going to the same restaurants so the staff knew we were trying hard and tipping well. And, all the advice that you always get (toys in rotation, food for them to eat immediately, take them outside if there's a disruption, take them for a walk after ordering, etc). But, still, I'm with you -- it's too much work and pressure to enjoy it. anne

In terms of the parents' visit...would they be as permissive with his behavior at a restaurant? I know my parents would have ZERO tolerance for a misbehaving little person in a restaurant. They're definitely of a different generation with different expectations about how kids should behave.

I think you're absolutely right to think about the other restaurant patrons. If it's CA Pizza Kitchen and everyone's in the same boat, it's fine. But if a couple is out for a special meal to celebrate their anniversary and the kid at the next table screeches and bangs his spoons together, let's just say it's not fair...but you get that. Perhaps generate a list of age-appropriate restaurants for you all to go to. Then maybe send your wife off with your parents for a special dinner out one night. Sounds like eating at home is a fantastic option though! K

Three issues: a) eating out as a lifestyle/convenience, and cost matter; b) eating out with a jubilant little guy; and c) participation.

For the first one, you ought to make a serious effort to convey that while everyone loves the dinner-out experience, it is very expensive on a regular basis, and you ought to set a limit -- we coalesced to about once a week (mostly nearby thai takeouts, etc.) We don't do all-out dinners for purely financial reasons, except for a special occasion.

Second, most patrons find boisterous kids distracting/annoying, but they generally are somewhat sympathetic. So do not forego restos outright. We don't need to sanitize society from the fact that kids exist, and they are not socially gracious diners from day one. Our kids are a little too young and loud for the restaurant experience, so we do not subject waitstaff or patrons to this, except for a local family friendly casual place. You are not alone to think this way. If your wife wants to eat out once in a while so that she doesn't have to clean the mess, heck, we all need a break once in a while. Smile politely to everyone else glaring at you, and leave a bigger tip.

Lastly, (and this is a sensitive topic), it is not clear how you share into the responsibilities and worries together. Your post suggests that you do all the food shopping, the cooking, and cleaning after your son? And it sounds like you alone carry the worry about budgeting, spending etc. I am familiar with this experience intimately, but I became determined to overturn this as the status quo. It was hard in the beginning, but I insisted on getting my wife to think about the expenses, and to start meeting me half way about some of the mundane things that needed to be done by someone, magically (and it was always me).

My two cents: you have your head on your shoulders, so don't give up on this. Talk to your wife so that she understands that you cannot simply dine your way out of raising the little guy and all the mess he makes. And tell her that she can better express her sympathy to your hard work cleaning after him by actually helping out! anon

So, when you cook at home, start giving your toddler some duties. They can help set the table. Maybe make a play menu to teach them about ordering and all.

We have a 4.5 and a 2.5 year old. Before we go in we say, ''we want everyone to use restaurant behavoir'' and they know if they act up, we leave and the fun is over. It ain't perfect, but the key is to not allow the bad behavior to happen. Save the fancy places for when you get a baby sitter. foodie mom

Have you told her clearly, what you have written in your letter here, that you currently are very unhappy going to restaurants with your toddler at this time and why? You say that you are dreading talking to her about this but know it will be inevitable when her family gets here. I wonder why you dread the conversation? Is this subject particularly loaded or is any difference of opinion hard to discuss? I found out that is not hard to avoid conflict when you are a a childless couple but once kids come along this approach doesn't really work very well. A ''spirited child'' will especially need parent cooperation, compromise and conflict resolution in many areas through the years. The link that has been provided has opinions about kids in restaurants and should address the subject and hopefully your wife and you can read it and discusss it.

I hope you two will address this area and get some agreed upon solutions/compromises before the family descends on you. What you two come up with can be tried and reworked if it doesn't go well but the two of you have to agree that is an area difficulty first. Then problem solving is possible. It will be good for not only your dinner options but your relationship as well. Good luck anon

As for leaving food all over a restaurant, here's a product I have found really useful: http://www.kiddopotamus.com/p_tiny.php It's a flexible plastic placemat type thing with suction cups you stick on the table, and it has a little shelf that catches at least some of the stuff that would normally fall off the table.

Toys we've had luck with in restaurants: small cars/trains, a bank and a handful of coins, and always the sugar packets and the sugar packet container. A combination of these items keeps our toddler happy and occupied for decent periods of time. Good luck!

Maybe you can get your wife to agree to more kid-friendly places with your son if you get a sitter a couple times a month for a nice dinner out together without him.

Also, it sounds like you are a stay at home dad? Does your wife work full time? Why can't she pick up dinner from a restaurant once a week on her way home? Honestly, it sounds to me like she wants to live her pre-kid life without having to adjust her love of eating out. Giving up eating out is the most minor sacrifices we make for our kids. And it is a very short-lived one.

As for the pending visitors, maybe hire a sitter when your guests are in town for one or two nice meals out. Then you could order in a few meals when your guests are there. You don't say where you live, but any area that qualifies for the BPN list will have restaurants and gourmet catering options. Whole Foods catering is pretty good. You could order main courses and fill in at home with salads, or you could get the whole meal catered. We've done that for family gatherings at it has worked out great. Most restaurants will cater for you to. It doesn't have to be fancy catering, just a bunch of food ordered ahead of time and served at home.

Why are you the only one that does the cooking, shopping, cleaning? Is she the sole breadwinner in the house? If so, it's clear you are a reasonable guy and would be cutting her some slack for working long days and needing to have something served to her once in a while.

But from what you write, it's hard to see her as being any reasonable about this. I think the real problem is her need to be eating out at restaurants (and not just any restaurants, more like the really expensive ones) more as a lifestyle issue. It's hard to accept that she doesn't think about the money issue, and most of all the problem created by your son (who by the way, is way too small to be restaurant ready).

You are dead on serious, and you should be applauded for turning to this forum to figure out where you stand. It's important to know what is average/normal/reasonable for other couples, and you will get ample validation of where your head is. You have a real issue in front of you, but it's not insurmountable.

My wife and I had similar issues of lifestyle needs and a wildly uneven distribution of worries about affordability/money/budgeting, and I decided early on that I didn't want to go to bed every night with the worries only on me. I made a strong and sustained stand against it, and it is now almost a non-issue.

Be strong and committed to this. You may not get her to think with you all the time, but you need to drive it hard that what she does is work against you and she needs to come down and be present in the reality of the family. I am sure there are two sides to every coin, but if you had to write this post, you are at your witt's end, and have at least a 50% chance of being correct in your assessment of the situation (personally, I'd put it around 95%).

Know that things can be turned around. Marriage is not about having your lifestyle choices met. It is about worries, compromises, mundane every-day reality, and the unsatisfying, and ungrateful responsibility of getting down on the floor and cleaning up after your son has finished eating the carefully, skilfully, and lovingly prepared meals your husband has cooked.

It's time for her to have a wake-up call, an intervention, whatever is needed. Norm

Restaurant Etiquette for Baby Messes

My husband and I occasionally like to go out to restaurants with our 9-month-old son. He is just learning to eat finger foods and even though we give him just a little bit at a time, he often drops a lot of food on the floor. What is the etiquette about cleaning this mess up? I always wipe the table down with a napkin after he is done and put any of the bits and pieces he didn't eat on one of the empty plates, but what should I do about the stuff that falls on the floor? I'd feel ridiculous getting down on my hands and knees to pick up Cheerios, but I also feel guilty about leaving a huge mess behind. -Wendy

Kids running loose in the restaurant

My husband and i were eating at Fat Apple's (EC) last week when several *very* small children began to play under our table. Their parents were across the room and seemed oblivious to the situation. The waiter told the kids to go back to their parents as the kids were not only quite loud, but were doing very unsafe things like crawling under chairs. Eventually, the waiter asked the parents to come get the kids. (By then, the little ones were screaming.) The mom came over and as she was taking the littlest baby (about 2yo) from under the table, said to me very sweetly ''you don't mind the noise, do you.' My response was ''Actually, yes I do.'' So...of course, she got very mad at me and made quite a stink about how i didn't like kids.

Here's the question: How should i have handled the situation? Should i have stopped the kids earlier? Should i have not said anything to the parent who seemed to feel that I was an elderly child hater?

Advice, please. I wouldn't have said anything at all if she hadn't asked...or if she had said that she was sorry for the disruption, I would have just thanked her for taking the child away. i just *thought8 that she was trying to make me a co- dependent in her kids behavioral issues. Honestly likes kids!

In the situation you described, I would also be put off and irritated. In my opinion, other people in a restaurant should not have to be interrupted, poked, scuttled-under, or drowned out by kids of any age. It's a drag sometimes to have to get up and leave before you're even half-way through your meal, but that is what we do if our child is getting out of hand. I find that I'm annoyed at parents who don't feel this same sense of responsibility/boundries because it presents a situation where I have to try and convince our own 2-year-old that just because those other kids are running around, it doesn't mean that she can. Before I had kids, I was more sensitive to unruly kids than I am now. But not dramatically so. You were right to respond honestly to the parent's weird comment (''you don't mind the noise, do you?''). Tolerance is a good thing, but the situation you describe pushed the limits of common courtesy. striving to be respectful and to teach my child good manners

If I were in your situation, I may have even told children something like '' Excuse me. It is not safe to play under the table in an restaurant. This is not a play ground. Come out, and let's go back to your mom.'' I may even take them by myself to the mother, and say to her that ''I do not think it is safe for those little ones to play under the table. I also would like to enjoy my food, so could you keep an eye on your kids please?''. Give back kids, and walk away.

I do understand that it is certainly difficult for small children to be sitting all the time while eating. I know it since I have two boys, 4 and a half years old and 11 months old. But still, that is not a place to play. To me, restaurants are places to eat and enjoy food. Not a play ground. Your responce seems very right to me, so you do not need to feel bad about yourself. Mom of two active boys

Now, let me say, good for you for responding the way you did. My sister-in-law and her husband (wonderful people whom I love dearly) were a little that way (though not as extreme as letting their kids play under someone's table!). They somehow seemed to believe that their kids were cute and everyone else would not mind entertaining and babysitting them in restaurants. It is very impolite behavior and a very poor example for the kids.

This woman assumed that by saying what she did, the entire episode was somehow made acceptable and normal. There is also this unrealistic thinking that my sis-in-law seemed to have (and maybe this woman too) that if people minded they would say something. However, we all know that this is not usually the case as people are generally non-confrontational in these situations and should not have to be put in a situation that makes them uncomfortable.

The only way people learn is when someone actually says something - like you did. I think what you did was brave as most people would have responded that they didn't mind even if they did. I don't know if this situation could have been handled any differently - maybe calling the waiter right from the start? Restaurants For All!

If anything, you were far more tolerant than I would have been. As soon as the children started playing under my table, I would have been looking for their parents and asking them to bring their kids back to their table. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with a situation exactly like the one you described, but I think you behaved reasonably and the mother of those kids did not. Diane

As for the comment: Maybe you could have been more diplomatic (the tone it was said cannot be heard in a posting), however, if she didn't want to know, she should not have asked. Anon

When my child was 2 ''restauranting'' became a challenge, if he was under my table, that would work for a time, but any wandering, required immediate removal outside to walk and wander. I was aghast to see that someone was offended because you were ''inconvenienced'' by her unsupervised children under you table. former restaurateur

A simillar incident happened to me this summer at the pool while I was waiting for my son's lesson to end. There were three kids climbing on bleachers and jumping off to the concrete patio below. I was very nervous. It seemed as if the children were without adult supervision. I waited for the pool workers to tell the kids to knock it off, but that never happened. Eventually one of the kids climbed up the back of the bleachers and popped out between my legs. That was it! I calmly told the kid that I was uncomfortable with what was going on and that she should go play by her parent. She left... she, and her friends, continued to run around, but not near us. The other parents around me all thanked me for stepping in, but none of them had felt comfortable enough to do anything. Later I noticed a woman who had been sitting with her back to the kids get up and herd them out.

I know that many parents object to others commenting on or correcting their children's behavior. I can understand that different people have different standards of behavior and safety. I know that some people are insulted and feel reprimanded themselves when another grown up makes a comment about their kid's behavior, even if they agree. I don't advocate disciplining strange children, or even interfering, but we all have to share the world... restaurants, parks, etc. I would love it if everyone could understand that and be attentive to their kids so they could reign them in when appropriate. Until then, I guess we will have to become comfortable stepping in sometimes. a mom who wants restaurants to keep welcoming children

Toddler screaming in restaurants

I am having a difficult time coping with my 19-month old screaming at the top of his lungs while in a restaurant. I can understand that he is vocalizing and cannot usually control his volume. However, instead of babbling, he screams. I don't usually mind his screaming and I try to give words to his feelings. But it seems everytime we are in a restaurant he screams bloody murder. In the quiet cafe where I like to have breakfast, other customers are leaving because my child is so loud and obnoxious. Telling him ''no screaming,'' covering his mouth with my hand, and blowing air in his face are no longer working. Am I doomed to eat at home for the next couple of years? Any suggestions besides eating in noisy places? I have checked the website regarding screaming toddlers and none of the advice there helped. Thanks. Leslie

The good news is that the screaming phase has passed. (Though restaurants remain off our destination list as the child does not sit still...) Bon Appetit and Good Luck! CKC

Personally, I find it much more relaxing to eat take-out while my 2 small children play happily at home than to deal with shushing & disciplining in most restaurants. We've even given in to my husband's iron-clad rule of never doing take-out sushi.

The good news is, it's not forever. It may be a shorter or longer phase (depending on your child) but there will be light at the end of the tunnel! We venture out occasionally with great success...but it wasn't always so. Jill

Ever see a parent scream at a child, ''stop screaming!''? If you think about it, it's no wonder that doesn't work! A stage whispered, ''I bet you can't hear me!'' is usually more effective. Holly