Playground Etiquette
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Playground Etiquette
Sept 2007
So- I have a difficult question and am looking for some sensitive
advice. My 19month old's favorite playground is also frequented
by an older child (11 or 12?) who has some developmental
problems. The issue is that the three times we have seen him, he
will come over and put his hands on my son- not in a bad or
unkind way, but in a way that because he is a stranger to my son,
frightens him greatly. I was not at the park during this last
incident, but when he frightened my child, my husband tried to
explain that because he was a stranger it was scary and perhaps
he should give him some space. The child then introduced himself
and said, ''I am not a stranger anymore'' and tried to pull my son
out of my husband's arms. Then he saw my son's nose was a little
runny and wiped it with his hand, which caused my son to scream.
So my husband pulled him closer and explained that he needed some
quite time with dad. The child waited about 10 seconds before
trying to pry my husband's arms off our son. Once free, our son,
crying, just wanted to go home. This time, the park was not that
busy, so it was clear who the father was, but in the past, there
wasn't anyone nearby who clearly was watching this child. But, I
must add, the father watched and did nothing this time. My
husband wanted to go over and talk to him, but our son was so
upset that he couldn't justify it- and this is what always
happens, so there is no good time to try to track down the
parents. So how should we deal with it? I know we can just go to
a different park, but somehow that doesn't feel right. We are not
angry with the other child, just frustrated that we can't
communicate effectively with him, and that his parents aren't
providing guidance. We do need our son to feel safe. Suggestions?
anon
I think the only solution is to find a way to talk to the
parents. Even if you have to do it when your kid is upset. Or
else find another playground.
--Been there
It sounds like the boy you describe is, as you say, a sweet kid
who's having some trouble learning about personal boundaries. Now
you know what his dad looks like, why not talk to him next time?
Just a shortened version of what you posted, along the lines of:
''I know your son doesn't mean any harm, but he's scaring my
child. Could you please talk to him about personal space?''
katy
You need to confront the child's parent. If you can't spot the
parent, ask the child to point him or her out to you. You also
need to be quite blunt to the boy. ''Please don't touch him. He
isn't ready to play with you. Please go find something else to
do.'' You can do this kindly but firmly.
As an aside, I am so sick of children being let loose in parks
while their parents, guardians, nannies don't pay any attention
to their behavior. I am also sick of older children playing at
parks that are meant for younger kids (can anyone say
TOTLAND??) I no longer have any problem discipling someone
else's kid if there is no adult nearby watching.
It is your responsibility to do whatever is necessary to keep
your child safe. That includes, unfortunately, parenting others'
kids, or establishing boundaries. Next time the child comes up,
say firmly, ''Do NOT touch my child. It is not okay with us.''
Granted, he's just a kid, and that's why you feel funny. But
would you allow some adult to just come up and manhandle your
child? Absolutely not. There's no reason you have to let this kid
do it either. It may seem harsh or hurtful, but better to be firm
and look him square in the eye, and get this behavior to cease.
anon
This child may be autistic cause he's so hands-on. Can you try
to engage the child? If you see the father in the future, I
would suggest you go immediately to him and explain the
situation, past and present, and how your child is dealing with
it. It's nice of you that you're not angry at his child but the
father needs to be aware. Nothing will change if you don't
speak up. I hope you can make it a win/win situation for both
of the children's sake. Good luck!!
anon
You'll get lots of responses on this one!! I don't care if a kid
has developmental problems or is just plain rude. Your job is to
take care of your kid and make sure that he learns and feels
safe. There's no way in hell I would tolerate ANYBODY trying to
yank my kid out of my arms, or violate my kids stated boundaries.
It's important for your son's mental health to feel supported in
establishing and protecting his own personal boundaries, and if
another person (kid, adult, stranger, ''friend'') doesn't get it,
then YOU need to take care of it. Who knows what's up with the
kid's parents? They obviously aren't going to intervene, and at
best, the parent probably feels like this isn't a problem. At
worst, he doesn't care. No matter. If it were me, I'd say to the
kid, ''If you come within two feet of me, I will have to push you
away.'' And if I saw the parent there doing nothing, I'd probably
yell at him to make sure his kid isn't behaving inappropriately.
If the kid continued to behave that way, I'd look into a
restraining order, if that's possible. And if you continue to go
to that park, I'd check around for the problem kid first, and if
he approaches within 10 feet, I'd warn him away. If he keeps
coming, I would stand between him and your son, and scoop up your
son and take him away before the kid has an opportunity to touch
him. Don't allow your son to feel terrorized. And this is not
about being ''angry'' with the other kid. It's about making sure
your son feels safe. And really, the behavior you describe is
unacceptable in any realm. Don't let this kid anywhere near you.
And don't feel like you're ostracizing him. His behavior is NOT
your responsibility. and it's not within your control. His
behavior IS the responsibility of the parent. It's unreasonable
for a parent of a special child to expect that others would
tolerate physical contact that scares a child. And his complete
lack of understanding of boundaries, and complete lack of
empathy, make me question whether the kid wouldn't become more
aggressive as he gets older and stronger, or more frustrated. I
realize that some on this list will take offense at my strong
stance, but it's really not ok for strangers to put their hands
on you or your kids, particularly after you've told them not to.
If you want to be extremely kind about it, then you'll have to be
proactive and make it physically impossible for the kid to get
close enough to terrify your child (although I suspect that your
kid already has a gut-level terror of this older kid just if he
sees him.)
Now that you know what the dad looks like you can go sit near
him. that way when the child approaches (seems inevitable
anyway), he will have to interact when the child doesn't get the
picture and it will be easier to ask him directly what you
should do.
anon
In addition to his boundary issues, the boy you describe would appear to have some
social language deficits as well, which is why he is taking you very literally at
his
word when you are very politely trying to rebuff his advances without hurting his
feelings. If you are very firm and direct, and say ''I am sorry , my son does not
want
to play with you, can you please find someone else to play with?'' You may have
more luck. It is true that your son needs to feel safe and protected by you. You
can
also use this as an opportunity to teach him how to stick up for himself while
still
being tolerant and compassionate toward others. You also are going to have to talk
to your father even if the your child is upset and crying. It will only take a few
minutes.
To the person who suggested yelling at the kid to stay away from 10 feet back and
looking into a restraining order - this boy is not being malicious, he just does
not
understand. You can not equate that with being rude. And there is nothing in the
situation described to suggest he would become violent. Making a commotion over
it would probably just reinforce in the younger child that there is something to be
afraid of. Yes, the boy needs to learn how to live in society, but that is
sometimes
easier said than done.
My 4 year old is very mildly autistic, and has similar
issues.
His teachers and I have been working on teaching him the difference between
appropriate and inappropriate touches for over 6 months and have made no
headway. I cannot explain or justify the father's inaction, and yes - I would think
that he would want to get involved. However, I have learned not to be judgemental
of other people's parenting techniques because you truly do not know what that
person is up against until you have been in their shoes. Traditional parenting
techniques do not work with non-traditional children. It could be that the only way
for his son to learn social behavior is to deal with the natural causes of his
reactions
(people don't want to play with you if you touch them inappropriately). Or maybe he
really is just that oblivious. Again, I don't know what the situation is there, but
neither do you. In fact, you sound like someone who has absolutely no experience
with developmental disorders.
Conflicts really can be resolved without resorting to yelling at people. Please,
just
have a little compassion.
Anon
Sept 2006
Is it just me or does any one else think this was totally inappropriate? I didn't say
anything because I was too stunned. What does one say in this instance?
As I was leaving Thousand Oaks park about two weeks ago I heard a young girl,
about 5 or 6, say ''mommy I have to Poop'' The mother was on her cell and wasn't
paying much attention. The girl repeated herself and the mother directed the
girl to go behind the tree near the fence and trash cans, drop her pants and poop
right there. By this time my children, 2 and 4 (potty-trained), both saw this and said
why is she pooping there, in the park? (when there is a Starbucks with a toilet
close by) There are many things wrong with this which most of us, educated, living
in the middle class, get. I recently returned with my family from living in India,
with a developing economy. I never saw a middle class child with a checked out
parent, pooping in a place where children play. Would you confront the mother and
tell her to get off the phone or what?
Maybe i am too uptight but, I didn't care that this woman picked up the pile and
put it in the trash can -open in a wipe. I have seen squirrels go in and out of
those trash cans and climbing through the toys.
Is this just the way people act?
grossed out
It may not be just you, because I'm sure there are lots of people who will agree with
you -- I can hear collective noses wrinkling all over -- but in my humble opinion,
who the hell cares? If she picked it up and put it in the trash then she's doing
better
than many dog owners, and where was she supposed to put it, in her purse? You
know nothing about this other mother, except that she can use a phone -- she may
have had other, younger children in the park, or not wanted to risk her daughter
having an accident, or just not damn well felt like trekking over to Starbucks. It's
only poop!! Those squirrels you mentioned? They poop in the park, too, probably
directly on the toys! Jeez louise, lighten up
Not Scared of Poop
EWW! That is TOTALLY inappropriate!! I can't believe anybody
would do that. What a lesson that mother is teaching her child,
to just drop trou and poop right there behind a tree. I don't
care how ''Berkeley'' we are, you don't poop in the park,
especially if there's a bathroom within walking distance!!
I'm with you
YUCK. I was thoroughly disgusted with the mom when I read your
post. I hope she reads this and realizes that her behavior was
not acceptable to the many others who frequent that park, and
especially not to her daughter. She essentially treated her
daughter like a dog
Disgusted
You are not alone! I've seen this happen on a couple of
occasions lately and I think it's so nasty! In one case, at
Joaquin Miller Park, a mom let her child poop right next to the
play structure (in the dirt, but next to the rubber mat area)
and she was planning to leave it there! Finally I stepped up
and ask her about it and only then did she move it to a faraway
tree (not good enough). The other time was an older kid at
Jordan Park who pooped in the ivy near were the kids run around
the tall trees. No mom in sight. I went around the park until I
found the mom, gave her a poop bag and directed her to the
poop. My kids would never be allowed just to drop pants
wherever and dirty up the park like that. I don't even let them
pee at the park. We carry a little potty and if they need to
go, they use the potty and I pour the pee out away from where
people are. I hate kids peeing all over the park too. Last week
we were at Aquatic Park, a five year old kid peed on the play
structure where we were playing. Some parents are obviously not
paying attention AND are teaching their kids the very bad,
disgusting habits. If you are one of them, please be more
consider to the many other users of the park.
By the way, I do think that the city of Oakland in particular
needs to be far more accommodating to families by actually
putting in bathrooms in some of the larger and better used
parks. It's a disgrace that this hasn't been done. I've never
seen anyone peeing or pooping at Piedmont's Dracena Park....
maybe because there is a nice, clean bathroom five feet from
the park!
Grossed out mom
You are so not uptight for this to bother you and what you saw is
so seriously nasty I'm sorry to had to witness it! I'd be
surprised if anyone writes in to tell you to loosen up. Just
thinking about of the host of parasitic worms that can be
transmitted by contact with human feces should be enough to let
you know your hunch was right.
But I wouldn't bother confronting the mother of this kid, at
least, not unless you're ready for a war of words. She'd probably
just be defensive at best, maybe even aggressive. When I was
pregnant and emboldened by hormones (or so I tell myself) I
confronted a well-dressed and obviously middle-class man in
Wholefoods who was grazing the fruit and nut bins with his bare
hands. But he didn't change his behavior and he just got in my
face and was super-aggressive about it being his own business
(despite the signs asking people to refrain from grazing).
You could, however, complain to the school district, which
apparently runs the park. A bunch of kids in San Jose became ill
recently after getting an infection from recycled water in a
fountain downtown. The culprit was reportedly kids wearing poopy
diapers running through the fountain
Grossed out too
dear grossed out, i might have been able to respond to your concerns had you not
distracted me with your very classist generalisations. You used ''middle class,
educated'' in such a way as to imply that working class, uneducated people may not
know better, or may have lower standards than you. I find that very offensive
anon
Hah! You could have been writing about me--I'm guilty as
charged. I see no problem with this, IF:
1. The poop was solid and thus easy to pick up without leaving a
smear. Leaving a smear on the ground would be unacceptable.
2. If it was done out of sight. Nobody wants to watch somebody
pooping, nor should they have to.
3. If it was done in a place where nobody else is likely to be
afterwards.
4. If the poop is picked up in a bag that is then turned inside
out (like dog owners do) and thrown away.
What you described sounded like she did it in a place where
nobody plays or walks, so that's good, though the child should
have been hidden better (sounds like you watched her do it,
which is bad manners in my book). Also the mom should have
bagged it.
Mine have pooped outside more times than I can count, but always
with my 4 ''rules'' in effect. (Yes, it's easy to guess in advance
how firm the stool is likely to be if you're the one with the
kids all day, knowing exactly what they've eaten/drunk and how
healthy they are.)
Frankly, most public bathrooms horrify me so much that I often
prefer my kids to go outside.
I'm wicked too
Sorry but you really are uptight. I could understand if this
mom left the poop there and walked away, but she did clean it
up. Maybe thats not how you would have handled it, but she was
not totally checked out if she took care of it to that extent.
I find that middle class city dwellers get so caught up in
shoulds and shouldn'ts that they forget to be flexible,
nonjudgemental, and understanding of others.
anon
Eeeeeew! I am with you, that is gross. At 6, she needs to wait to poop while the
mom hustles her off to Starbucks, or very very secretly go poop somewhere
else and pick it up and throw it away. I am not too worried about the poop in
the trash can, although it would be nice to wrap it up as well as she can. My
daughter is newly potty trained (only goes on the little potty, not the big toilet)
so I just take the potty everywhere and if there is a bathroom use it there and
flush the waster. If there is not a bathroom, we scoot away from the crowds and
I will put the waste in a trash can. I don't know what that mom was
thinking...maybe an extension of the picking up dog doo thing?
Eeew, too.
I also saw the girl pooping in the park. I must come to her
mom's defense. There seems to be two issues that are bothering
you. One is that her mother was on the phone. The other was how
gross it was that this child should be pooping in the park.
First, you obviously did not notice the mother was having a
CRISIS and was on the phone with the POLICE. Her child was next
to the fence, near the trash cans, in an area where MANY kids
use as a bathroom -not in the common play area that your email
suggests. Third, the mother cleaned it up,and threw it into the
trash can which, by the way, is FILLED with diapers. Do you have
a problem with all the diapers in the trash too? Or is that ok
because the babies can't help pooping in the park? You rudely
imply that the child was ''5 or 6 and should have been able to
hold it to go to the Starbucks bathroom like your children''. I
know that the child is 3 turning 4 and that apparently she
cannot ''hold it''. Your comment about ''middle class mothers''
not behaving this way is classist and obnoxious. Obviously, no
mother wants their child to go to the bathroom publically. It's
too bad you couldn't be a little more understanding that this
mother was having a crisis at the exact momment her child had to
poop. I guess we all can't be a good mothers as YOU!
No Harm Done
No No NO! It is absolutely NOT okay! Even if she picks it up
afterwards, some of the E.Coli and other stuff is still there on
the ground. She can't get all of it! And the thing about
squirrels going in the trash that copuld spread the germs - you
bet! I'm not a super clean Mom and my kids do get dusty and
muddy - but human feces is a total other matter! It's bad enough
that people let there dogs poop in kid parks and at schools, but
a fellow human!? Bad idea health wise - REALLY bad idea. And if
the child has a virus - evn worse! So what would I do? I would
stare at the mother with my jaw gaped open. I would walsk over
to her and say to her while she is on the phone, ''Excuse me. I
see that your child needs to poop. I'd be glad to take her to
the bathroom at Starbucks if you are not able to.'' If the mother
said ''no Need'', then I would explain to her WHY pooping in a kids
park is absolutely not okay. And of cousre I'd say this in an
extremely calm manner while my blood pressure climbed rapidly.
Sure hope that mom reads this! EEEEEEyewwwwww!
Mom
If I were at the park, and my 5-year-old son told me ''Mom, I need
to poop RIGHT NOW'' I would spend about 2 seconds wracking my
brain to figure out where a bathroom is, and then I would do
exactly what that mom did that you are complaining about. When
they gotta go, they gotta go.
Maybe everyone but me knows there is a Starbucks near all the
parks in Berkeley that don't have bathrooms. Maybe everyone but
me already has this all planned out in the event of a poop
emergency. Personally I think the mom responded remarkably well,
especially considering she was on the phone. (And anyway, how do
you know it was something other than an emergency that she was on
the phone about?)
Here's the real question: how come there are parks that have no
bathrooms? What are ''middle-class'' kids, and all those other
kids too, supposed to do if they need to suddenly go poop? Just
hold it till they get home? Rely on surrounding homes and
businesses? The real crime here the failure to put a bathroom in
a park where kids play.
Ginger
Okay, my kids are a little bigger now (6 and 8) but I spent a lot of time in
parks in
Berkeley when they were smaller and I'm glad to say I never saw parents letting
their
parents shit in the park. So maybe this is a new trend?
I'm as flexible and accomodating as the next guy (probably more so) but all my
openess goes out the window when it comes to such things as, say, imposing health
risks--most importantly--and a view of bodily waste--less importantly--on other
people.
In our society, we've got the idea that sanitation matters to keep people healthy
and
to maintain our collective quality of life. Accordingly, we teach our children to
shit in
private places where their waste can be flushed away. We have lots of freedom,
but
there is also the good for all of us to consider: the average park goer's right
to
expect that a leaf she picks up there won't have a smear of human shit on it.
The self-centerness of allowing your child to go to the bathroom in the park is
extraordinary
anonymous
i had to comment on this post because it made me laugh. i think
you are forgetting one important thing it is just a child. it's
not like you saw an adult pooping in the bushes. kids are not
aware it grosses you out. so please find it in your heart to
forgive. maybe the mom had to let her kid poop in the park. you
have no idea what was going on. it's rude to assume. you never
can say never. that's my motto. i would let my child poop
anywhere if they had to. i mean like it's an emergency. maybe
starbucks was busy and then the kid would of pooped in their
pants. then what would of happened? you live in a city with many
different people and you need to figure out how to tolerate it.
poop is natural
Wow, poop in the park really got us all going!! I think many
parents chimed in because so many local parks are **lacking
decent bathroom facilities**. Does anyone have suggestions as to
what can be done about this? I personally travel with a little
potty in the trunk and take it almost every park we visit. Even
at Montclair Park, which has two bathrooms, it is a push to herd
two toddlers clear across the park or up the stairs to the rec
center (when it's open, that is) to get to a bathroom in time. My
kids use our potty and I dump it into the trash or if it's just
pee, bushes where no one walks or plays. I try to bag poops, but
as another poster pointed out, the trash is already full of
diapers. Dog parks have plastic bag dispensers, but that would
not be safe with kids around. How about better trash cans than
those filthy cardboard things? Something with a lid, perhaps?
Doing infant potty training with my younger child has really
shown how inadequate the bathrooms are at most parks. God help
pregnant moms at the park with their little ones in tow if they
should have to pee. As for the mom of the park pooper, I totally
understand. How can we improve park bathroom availability for us
and our kids?
Montclair Mommy
I'm surprised that no one raised the issue that human fecal
waste does not belong in our landfills!! While it's great the
mom ''cleanedup'' after her child, might she have done a better
job? Fortunately I've yet to be stuck in a similar situation,
but a few more minutes of time and energy would result in a
better solution for all.
Why do you dump your dipaers in the toilet at home? human fecal
matter needs to be processed (that's why we have sewage plants)
before it is again safe for the environment.
I certainly agree withthe one response asking why are there
parks without facilities, but poooping in public is not the way
to make positive change. :)
dumping poop in potties
Just a suggestion for those out there at parks without
bathrooms. This sometimes comes up for us at Jordan park and I
use a plastic bag (just keep some in the car) and have my son
hold the front end while I hold the bag end to make sure the
poop makes it into the bag, then baby wipes which also get
deposited into the bag and voila! It definitely solves the
issues of E.coli or parasites
Wish all parks had bathrooms
I read all of the recent posts and had to chime in: Yes, poop is gross. Poop in
the
park is gross. But hasn't anyone noticed that life with kids is often gross? Or
is it
just my life? I've been puked on, bled on, peed on, pooped on, and had boogers
wiped on me. My clothes are always dirty about 2 minutes after putting them on. I
had to get rid of all of my post-partum clothes from my first kid because he spit
up
so much that my clothes were so stained that nothing would fix them. This same
child picked up cat poop in our backyard (we don't have a cat) and threw it at me
a
few months ago while yelling, ''Catch!'' I know a kid who would stick her fingers
in
her anus (because it was itchy), and then would try to stick the same fingers in
her
mom's mouth while she was nursing. Gross! A few weeks ago my kid screamed ''I
HAVE DIARRHEA!'' at the park (despite having absolutely no sign of sickness
beforehand) so I picked him up, ran to the bathroom, which was locked, pulled
down his pants (too late) and he squirted poop all over his pants, legs, socks,
and
shoes. Then I dug through the trash and wiped him off with old napkins (which
were
covered with ants, by the way) from someone else's picnic. Gross! Did I feel good
about this? No...but really, that's the best I could do. (Did I mention I was
holding
my 4-month old at the time?)
Am I a person who doesn't value cleanliness? I don't think so...I bathe
regularly. I
teach my kid to wash his hands at the right times. I have been known to use
Purell. I
make sure to really really clean the kitchen after dealing with raw meat. And, I
myself do not just take a crap wherever, whenever the urge strikes me.
So here's my point: I think that the folks who think that there's a way to avoid
all
this yucky kid stuff are kidding themselves, because there are a lot of people
like
me running around, trying the best we can, but probably spreading germs all over
the place. And, if your life with kids truly happens to be non-disgusting, well,
good
for you. Consider yourself luckier than most parents I know
Moderator Note: The "Pooping in the Park" thread was going down the
toilet. The subject is now closed.
May 2006
Enjoying a nice day at Berkeley Totland today... and it's hot! There were a few
mothers/caregivers with their children at the water table (supposedly a table meant
for water play with hands) and inside an inflatable pool. There were two toddlers IN
(like sitting in) the water table, at one time naked, at other times in non-swim
diapers (at least they looked non-swim... very saggy and full of water). The children
in the pool were either naked, or in diapers.
I moved to Berkeley a year ago, and sometimes I wonder whether it's me or not. Isn't
this really disgusting? Is this what happens every hot day at totland? So I have to
spend the summer making sure my son keeps his hands out of the water table? I
just don't know what to think. Should I have said something? Or is this another one
of '' let the spirit of the kid run free'' things that my jaded, non Nor-Cal mind
can't
wrap around?
Looking for some guidance,
Sign me as Yuk
I don't think you're uptight, everybody has different comfort levels
with regards to what's yucky, but I'm afraid that yes, this is a ''let
the spirit of the kid run free'' thing; especially at Totland. It will
happen on every hot day and if you want to keep your son away, you're
going to have to watch him. Sorry Jill
I agree with you 100%! I am amazed at what some parents allow their
children to do in public spaces with little or no consideration for the
other children at the park. To allow your naked or dirty diapered child
to play/sit in the water in indeed gross! I believe it puts ALL the
children at risk for who knows what! I'm also pretty peeved at those
that allow their children to slide down public slides with no clothes on
(we all know how clean most toddler butts are, right?) I think this is
definitely a problem of being too ''Berkleyish'' . The idea that kids
should keep their clothes on while in public places seems completely
alien. Maybe getting the word out that there are some of us out there
who do not appreciate the health dangers you are exposing our children
to will get people thinking Not a fan of feces
You are not uptight; it is GROSS! I imagine here in Berkekey my resonse
with be in the minority...
I think that if there are naked toddlers or toddlers in non-swim diapers
in the pool or on the water table, anyone playing there is, in all
likelihood, playing in urine tainted water. In a place like Totland,
which we've decided to stop visiting, I don't see any way around it.
Some mothers and caregivers just don't care or don't know that their
child is contaminating the playspace for others Elizabeth
OK. That is totally gross.
So your kid is supposed to play in the same water that is swooshing
around some other kid's butt? Yuck.
Sometimes Berkeley moms are just too ''free spirited'' and crunchy for
their own good.
I wouldn't say anything but I would probably look at them a little oddly
and then move my kid away (I know, I'm a little passive agressive I
guess)
anon
Hi,
I haven't made it over to Totland, yet. But if what is happening is
just as you described, I will be keeping my daughter away from that
area. I have lived in this area all my life and love it. I also don't
consider myself too uptight about these things. I can assure you that
there are many native Nor-Californians that do not consider this
appropriate for a public place Anon
Ah Yes, the disgusting water table and seathing germ bath disguised as a
wading pool. It is gross, and I, not being a let it all hang out, live
and let live Berkeley native have had a very hard time deciding when to
allow my toddler to splash around in the muck. What I can tell you is
that we've done the drill for 3 seasons and so far we've all remained
healthy. I do however make sure my child wears something on her feet,
has a clean diaper or swim bottoms and never, ever let her go naked.
The naked issue is more about protection from pedophiles than from
germs. Law inforcement professionals (and I have worked with many of
them) will tell you that pedophiles have a tendency to focus on
particular children. And letting your child run around naked in a public
park is putting them at an increased risk of being targeted. So in our
family we keep our clothes on in public places. We also scrub like the
dickens when we get home!
Yuk too, but we enjoy just the same
I grew up in Berkeley and I don't think I'll ever quite understand some
of the outrageous things I've witnessed there. I admit that parents
everywhere have different styles but you'll see a lot more of this
uniqueness and "anything goes" attitude in Berkeley. Anyway, I'm in
your boat and I would work hard to distract my kids away from the scene
you describe. I think it's quite inconsiderate of the
parents/caregivers to allow their children in full diapers to sit in
standing water where other kids have access. I know public pools
probably contain quite a bit of urine but they also have a lot more
water and are chlorinated AS
The Totland park is unique in this area in terms of ''Berzerkeley
behavior'', and no, I do not think that you are being uptight. It is not
safe nor hygenic to allow toddlers to put their bottoms in a public
water play area! It is fine at home, or in a place with chlorinated
water, but not at a public park. Last year on Memorial Day my son got
Rotovirus from that very water play
station- he was fully clothed, and only splashing around with his hands,
but put a wet plastic toy in his mouth before I could stop him.
Rotovirus is transmitted via feces, and lives a very, very long time in
water. And it is a really serious bug. When we do go to Totland, no
water play for my son. We have our own water table and inflatable pool
at home. You can't tell the other adults there what to do, that would be
a pretty ugly scene, so just keep your kid as safe as you can and follow
your own good judgment safe, but not uptight
It may be gross, but I don't think there is much you can do about it but
to avoid Totland on hot days or keep your kids away from the water
(that's what I try to do, I tell them we'll go to the pool or lake some
other day to help them stay away from the water...) anon
That is totally disgusting. You are not uptight at all. It is totally
wrong to let your child with with their dirty bottom or dirty diaper in
a small watertable meant for other children to play in. Its not like a
pool with gallons and gallons of water that are treated with chlorine.
Kids DIE from e coli poisoning. Even in kiddie pools that are treated
with chlorine. Other things to think about are pinworms and other
bacterial infections.
I think parents, probably including myself, have trouble remembering
that other people may think their children's naked butts are anything
but cute. We had a similar situation where certain friends would come
over and their daughter would always strip naked. Then she would sit
naked on our couch, our carpet, on our beds on our laps. The final straw
came when I found her naked sitting on my bed directly on my pillow! Her
parents saw nothing wrong with it. She was 4 years old and we all know
how 4 year olds wipe! Like you, I didn't know what to say so made sort
of a joke about it which they didn't pick up on then promptly washed my
sheets before I went to bed. Needless to say, they were friends who were
also inconsiderate in other ways, so we don't hang out with them
anymore.
After seeing what you did, I don't think there is any way you should let
your kid play in that water table. There are a lot of other nice parks
around besides totland that don't have waterplay. In the mean time,
these situations just make me try to be more conciencious about making
sure my own kids don't gross others out.
disgusted too!
EWWW....to me that is really gross. I would not have allowed my kids
when they were toddlers to go anywhere near that water. That is how
lots of diseases and bacteria can spread, including e-coli. E-coli is
now showing up in bagged lettuce due to unsanitary workers and
situations. You wouldn't let your kid play in toilet water, and who
knows, a naked child can turn any water into toilet water!
Anon
I think it's gross. There are a lot of things that children can catch
from feces if those kids have pooped in the water. Even in swimming
pools, you are required to dress your child in diaper-style swimwear.
In any case, these tables aren't meant for baby/toddler soaking. If I
were you, I'd say something to the nannies when/if you see them doing
that. It's really unsanitary baths should be in pools and tubs
Yeah, it is inappropriate that diapered and naked children play in the
same water that other children will play in with their hands. But the
water would be fairly yukky anyway. Public, wet environments that
children use like water fountains are primary hotspots for transmissble
disease. I would suggest avoiding these things altogether, and invest
in a water table, pool, sprinkler slide etc for your own kids at home
I was born and raised here in the Bay Area and yes, I too find it to be
pretty nasty. In fact, I read your post this weekend and the first
thing I did this morning was ask our nanny NOT to let our kids sit in
that nasty water at Totland - especially in a diaper or naked! I hope
it wasn't my kids you saw there!!
When I was a SAHM, on hot days I thought that water looked a bit
questionable. I usually told my kids that they could play in the water
table at home. My nanny told me that they change the water pretty
frequently??? I never thought this. I guess I don't mind if they put
their hands in it or if they play with the running water there but I
don't want them sitting in that water!
Grossed out too by totland water area
Yeah, it's gross. I'm from here, by the way, so not all of us are
complete hippies.
From a scientific standpoint, just so you know - urine is sterile so
your child shouldn't catch anything if kids are peeing in the water or
have pee in their diapers - but again, gross! However, you really don't
want your kid playing in water contaminated by feces.
Honestly, I've given up on most parks altogether. If it's not your water
table issue, it's the politics of toy sharing - see recent agonizingly
long discussion on that - or the oneupmanship (oneupwomanship?) about
how organically you are raising your child anon
You are not uptight. When my child was a toddler, I was completely
grossed out by the sight of kids' bare bottoms sharing a common (and
self-contained) pool of water, and even further grossed out by the sight
of toddlers in non-swim diapers submerging their bottoms in same body of
water. I stopped taking my toddler to Totland on hot days shortly after
seeing this happen on more than one occasion. And don't even get me
started about parents/nannies that change their kids' diapers on the
picnic bench tables! I'm pretty sure that a Berkeley health inspector
would have a thing or two to say about Totland on a hot day. I don't
have a problem with letting the spirit of a kid running free as long as
it doesn't infringe on the rights of other kids to play in a park that
meets basic sanitary conditions Totland No More
Sitting IN the water play table, naked or in a diaper, seems out of
line. You're right,
it's for playing in with your hands. The germs on everyone's hands are
bad enough,
without thinking about all the rest...
But if there's an inflatable pool, of course kids are going to go sit in
that, so I think you have to let that go. A swim diaper is not stopping
urine from getting in any pool. It's only purpose is to not become a 10
lb. weight on your baby, compared to a regular diaper. So if you're
sharing a ''public pool'' those are the hazards...
Maybe this post will open a few people's eyes who hadn't considered the
other side fan of reasonable cleanliness
March 2006
We were at Willard tot playground with our 22-month-old son on a recent
windy weekend morning when a father and his two kids entered the gates. The
son (7 or 8) was bored and started hurling a frisbee around.
As the frisbee whistled past small children, I asked the father if the son could
take the frisbee elsewhere. The father (a husky middleaged man) launched into
a tirade about ''overprotective parents'' and told his son to keep playing frisbee.
When my husband told him to show more respect, he tried to goad my husband
into a physical fight. My husband did not take the bait. The question is, how do
we react when we next encounter him in the park? Willard tot playground is a
weekend sanctuary for us. Yet this man also frequents the place and clearly
enjoys conflict.
peaceful playground seeker
Do you really not know what to do? Just ignore him. Pretend that you never had
this
previous encounter with him. This may entail ignoring any offensive frisbee
throwing, but as you have learned, confronting him doesn't work anyway.
I hate jerks too
Mean (and rude) people suck! I would kindly reiterate my
concerns for my child if you see this man's child putting other
kids at risk. Be nice yourself. If he continues to act out of
line, I would seriously give the Berkeley Police a jingle to
show him you are serious. Provoking a physical fight in the
park in the presence of children is unacceptable.
Why can't we all just get along?
March 2006
Is it ever worth it to get into an argument with somebody at the
playground? I recently started regularly taking my only child to
a fantastic neighborhood playground. Most of the other parents
are at least polite, and many are even friendly. There are toys
lying around that people have brought and left, and there is an
unspoken rule that an unattended toy is pretty much up for
grabs. It's been a great place for my kid to learn about
sharing. I usually bring along a spare truck that I can use in
trade; for example, if he's playing with another child's toy and
the kid needs to go home I'll swap the borrowed toy for the
truck. Today, another child actually went through my bag and
took out the truck to play with. When he eventually took the
truck to his mother, I approached her and asked if I could get
it back. She asked if I was leaving and I said no, I just wanted
to put the truck away and she rolled her eyes and told her son
that my son didn't want to share though neither of our kids is
of talking age. I took this as a personal insult but controlled
myself and just put the truck away. I didn't think anything
would be gained by pointing out that her kid had gone through my
bag... it just felt like she was looking to pick a fight. Now at
the end of the day I feel that she's won somehow and I wish that
I had told her to control her kid and keep him out of people's
bags, or that I had taken the truck away from him when I first
saw that he had it. What exactly is the playground ettiquite for
a situation like this? Do you enforce the same rules for other
kids that you enforce for your own? Do you ask the parents to
control their kids? I never let my son go through other people's
bags or stroller baskets, why should I let other kids go through
mine? Also, I'd never seen this family before, so I'm wondering
why I was so concerned about looking like a bully in the first
place, or why it bothers me so much that she disapproves of me.
I feel like I'm in the 5th grade again and one of the cool kids
just told me that my favorite sweater is ugly and now I want to
hide a snake in her lunchbox.
Nerd Mom
I've been in your situation many times and I feel that you handled the
situation perfectly. I don't believe there is really anything to be
gained by lecturing other parents about their children's behavior, even
when I don't agree with what they are doing. I also think it's important
to note that I didn't always feel this way, especially not when my child
was younger.
I've been on both sides of this issue: having the out-of-control kid
with terrible behavior and being subjected to the same. Sometimes the
best thing to do is to just walk away, especially with pre-verbal
children. You asserted your boundaries, got your property back and
walked away: kudos to you! You might ask yourself what you would like to
gain from lecturing the other mother.... My experience is that everyone
has their own tolerance level for playground behavior, so I would just
try to seek out people that seem to be on the same wavelength and let
the others find their own friends as well.
Don't Judge Me Please!
Dear Nerd Mom,
You are not alone. I've often thought that political summit meetings
have nothing on toddler playgrounds: the negotiations are equally
volatile, and they both require lots of backup (toys, that is). That
said, I think the mom you're talking about was a boor. Boor, boor, boor.
Her kid was wayy out of line to get all up in your bag, and the way she
handled it was wrong. If I'm at, say, Thousand Oaks or Totland and my
toddler touches someone else's stuff, I gently tell her, ''That belongs
to someone else,'' or ''That's not ours,'' and I redirect her
immediately to another one of the toys there. Heaven knows, there are
enough!
I think it's perfectly ok to calmly tell another parent that you'd
prefer their child not go into your things. Let her eyes roll right out
of her head, girlfriend: it's YOUR stuff. One time, at one of these
parks, a little boy had been hogging a very popular little cart for an
entire hour. My daughter had been obviously crying for it, repeatedly
trying to get in there, and finally, after a full hour of the mom
totally ignoring (and that's a whole other issue - this mom did not
interact with her son the whole hour I was there) the interactions and
my exasperation with trying to distract my daughter, I kindly went up to
the mom and asked if my daughter could sit in the car for a minute. The
mom looked at me, smirked, and then went back to reading her book.
Oh, man. My inner Rambo wanted to chuck that book of hers into some
cavity where the Berkeley Parents Network would surely censor me, but
you get the picture. We do what we can. We are bag stuffers and
emptiers. We are tooth gritters and grinders.
We are moms.
See you at the parks.
Live Long and Prosper
Argh! I feel your frustration! I haven't had _exactly_ that experience
but I've sure run across some obnoxious parents since taking my (now 18
month-old) son to several local playgrounds.
And from the way you describe it, your instinct sounds about right --
this woman wanted to pick a fight and you happened to be the first
opportunity. She was also passive-aggressive enough to make you feel it
was your fault.
Unfortunately, I think you just have to eat it. Not to go completely
''Dear Abby'' on you, but it's just not worth it. When a stranger has
interacted with me this way, I've either just ignored it completely,
made a non-committal ''uh-huh'' (which is pretty passive-aggressive but
seems better than a heated argument), or have made some sort of other
non-committal comment.
The few times I've responded to show how peed off I am about how
someone's spoken to me, it hasn't made things any better....
I bet you're nervous about what to do when you see her again.
(Well, I would be! That bottom-rung of the schoolyard feeling is
horrible.) But just ignore her. Really. You can be sure she isn't
exactly loving being herself anyway. Her being mean to you has got to be
a sympton of how unhappy she is about her world. And _that_ might be
enough to make you feel better, too :) Not a snarky parent
I could have written your posting! Upon reading your submission, I
exclaimed, ''It's great knowing there are other parents out there who
struggle with this issue!'' I immediately had my husband read your
posting, because I describe similar situations to him often.
Many a park day, I have found myself in jaw-dropping situations, which
left me overwhelmed and questioning my parenting abilities. So many
times, I have discussed these situations w/ my husband, who is (thank
goodness)a magnificent sounding board and voice of common sense. Who
would have suspected that innocent trips to the park would put you in
such a confused state? I think I could most definitely write a book
entitled, ''Everything Your Child Will Need to Know in Life Will be
Revealed in the Sandbox.''... Required reading before, ''Everything I
Need to Know in Life I Learned in Kindergarten.''
I have two young children myself -- a 5 + 2 year old, so I am still in
the midst of park scenarios, yet have some experience to speak from.
What we have come to ''teach'' our children about park toys is that if
we bring a toys to the park, other children may play with them if my
children are not playing with them. If, however, my children would like
to play with their toys and if other children are playing w/ them, I
(now my older child is able to ask on his own) kindly assert that those
are indeed my child's toys and please may we have them back, thank you
very much. Likewise, we play w/ toys that are out and about but if a
child approaches us and lets us know that it his, we oblige by returning
his toy.
Things don't always go ''perfectly'' and I believe that to be a valuable
lesson as well... Things may not always go as we like.
And sometimes it is better to ''let it go'' than expect to share each
and every thing precisely all of the time. Because that is not
realistic. We just have to try to get along, and unkind words in
response to rudeness and selfishness may put you in an akward situation
down the road.
Nice children come from nice families where cooperative behaviors are
modeled. It is obvious from your posting that you care about park
ettiquite and making your park fun for all.
Been there, doing that
People will be people-is my first response to this incident. I know it
has happened to me also but I believe you had a problem and it was
solved surely you can't expect others to react the same way as you
would? As long as you are polite i.e. please and thank you, you have
done all you can do. We all have different ideas of sharing and perhaps
she did not see all that you saw or maybe it was not you at all maybe
she had a bad day but because she said nothing verbally you must not
assume anything- or take defense. Had she not given you the toy back
then I can see the offense.
Also I think you confuse things when you say you want to teach your
child how to share but arent willing to share yourself also you said the
child was not of talking age so for you to want the child to ask for the
toys seems odd.
My last words are relax its a park!!! kids will interact with one
another and they will use each other toys don't penalize the child
(''you or your did not ask or apologize for the toy therefore you can't
play with my toy'') for his mother's thoughtlessness --when faced with
such a situation try not to be defensive try to be positive solution
solver! Have fun playing!
zee
Hi Nerd Mom,
You were absolutely right; the other mom was rude and the kid was out of
line going through your stuff (though if the child was pre-talking, that
behavior is natural, and stopping him was the mom's job.) Period. You
did the right thing, and I hope that other mom reads this and realizes
she was rude, and that no one will want to play with her and her kid if
she treats other people like that. Hope to see you at the playground!
Me and my (mostly) well-mannered kids would love to hang out with you!
Heidi
The playground atmosphere is like life. You will run into a lot of great
people and some real lemons. Don't take it so hard.
You will probably have more of these encounters before your child ages
out of the playground system. Blow these types of encounters off as
quickly as you can and focus on the many friends you'll find at the
park.
-anon
It is common at most playgrounds that if children bring toys, they put
the toys in the sandbox. If the child is playing with it, that's nice,
but if the child isn't playing with it, they can ''share.'' This is
what our culture does at playgrounds.
In addition, children have simplistic concepts at this stage.
The other mother was right. You (and by extension) your child didn't
want to share right then.
Sharing is a pervasive concept at that age. If the child gets the toy,
that is sharing. Not everybody wants to share all the time. This
business of keeping a toy ''for trade'' is not done.
It sounds to me as though your intuitive approach is a controlling one
and that you have a bit of a thin skin. Have you thought of hooking up
with an experienced mom and asking her what she does about things?
You will make yourself miserable if you don't kind of go with the flow
for these things.
If you only want one toy at the playground, only bring one toy.
If you want two or three, then share them. This isn't a bad rule, and
it's one that children can understand.
You mention that the children aren't speaking yet. So how would the
other child understand the social niceties of ''yes there is a fun toy
in the bag but you cannot have it. Bobby's mommy wants it to stay in
the bag.'' ?
If you don't want children going through your bag, stop them from going
through your bag. This is a fine thing to stop a child from doing. You
can phrase it like ''ooh. Watch out.
There are things in there I don't want to spill.'' at which point the
child's mother is supposed to say ''Sheila, we don't go through bags.''
I swear, you can CHART these interactions.
Once you figure out how it works, you'll do fine, but IMHO you'll have
to really look for advice and mentoring so that you don't pound your
head against the wall and make yourself miserable. It was smart of you
to post on this list.
experienced mom
Short answer: Don't put your bag where kids can get into it. Another
short answer:
Don't bring toys to the park.
More thoughts: Like you said, there are toys already there that
''live'' at the park and having to collect your toys to take them home
can cause the annoying drama you described. In my opinion, going to the
park is for seeing other kids, playing on the equipment there, etc. If
your son is going to play with his toys from home, what is the point? I
also think you should not have taken the other mom's saying, ''That boy
doesn't want to share'' as a personal insult. That is a valid
explanation. Would you have been happier if she said, ''This big lady
doesn't want to share?'' The other mom probably thinks you are just as
annoying for bringing a toy that you were willing to share and then
collecting it at a random time. She probably would have been quite
willing to give it back when you were leaving. She was no doubt not
aware that her son got it out of your bag which you assumed was safe.
Finally, your philosophy of trying to pawn off one of your toys to other
kids if, when that other kid is going home, your kid still has their
toy, is weird and unfair. It it not to early to teach your son that you
can borrow things but have to give them back when the owner wants them.
Hands-free park goer
While I do not approve the behavior of that mother, I think she's got a
point--provided the truck was pretty visible in the bag or the child had
seen your child play with it and put it away in the bag. If you are in
a park where there are toys to be shared and you bring a toy from your
home, I think the same rule applies: everybody can play with it. It's
true a child should be taught to respect other's possesions, but if
there is a bag and a truck is highly visible... it just seems too much
temptation for the little one! Yes, it's true the little one went over
your bag, but it's also true you didn't want to share in a place where
the understated rule is that all toys are to be shared. So while I agree
her manners were not appropiate, I also think if you bring something to
the park from home it should be shared with everybody.
Anon
I'm sorry you had an upsetting encounter with another parent at the
playground. However, no offense, but the whole incident does not sound
like that big a deal to me. Question - are you sure the other parent
saw her child take the toy truck out of your bag? Perhaps all she saw
was that you wouldn't let her son play with the toy, without knowing how
he got it? Also,if neither child is talking yet, that's pretty young -
not old enough to understand that it's not ok to take a toy out of
somebody else's bag. Sure, the other mom should have corrected it if
she saw it, but maybe she didn't, and even if she did, it doesn't seem
to me like something to get all upset about. I also don't understand
why you didn't just let the child play with the toy -- given the short
attention span at this age, he would have abandoned it soon enough, you
could have put it back in your bag, and you could have avoided an
unpleasant encounter. Having said that, I do think it was a bit rude
of the other mom to roll her eyes and make the comment about not
sharing-- if it had been me, I would have just given the toy back
without comment.
As for playground etiquette -- no, I don't think you need to stand by
while somebody else's toddler goes through your bag -- you could, in a
very friendly voice, say to the child, ''oh no, that's not for
sharing'', (or something like that) as you gently take the bag away. If
I were the child's parent, I would jump in at that point and say ''no,
Johnny, we don't go through other people's things''
If, on the other hand, you march up to someone and angrily demanded that
they ''control'' their child, you will be putting them on the defensive
- you're effectively implying that the other parent isn't doing their
job - you're likely to get an angry, reactive response. Instead, if you
must say something, again I recommend doing it in a friendly way, and
assume the other parent just hasn't noticed the unacceptable behavior,
for example ''excuse me, I wonder if you've noticed that your child is
going through my bag?'' That's if you must say anything at all.
Frankly, in this situation, I would just let it go.
Diane
First of all, remember that the kid is just a kid... Yeah, it's rude to
go through someone's bag but I wouldn't worry too much, I mean did you
mention this to the other mom? She probably was just being consistent
when she said that ''you didn't want to share..''. I wouldn't think too
hard about it. Whenever I go to the park and leave a bag somewhere I
try to put it up where kids cannot get to it. They're just curious
(think curious george...).
Just think ''I'm a duck and whatever this other mom said is just water
off my back.'' Think, she needs to live with herself, and you can leave
her and her kid at the park. Further, I think it is best to just be
really kind to everyone because we're all going through a great
struggle--you don't know, maybe she's ill or has a a really difficult
struggle. Just think you have school and PTA to look forward to!
Duck Mom
The proper etiquette would have been for her not to ask you why you
wanted the toy back. For your own sanity, let it go. I tend to ruminate
about that kind of stuff too, thinking of what I ''should have said''
long after the situation is over. It's not unreasonable for you to want
to keep track of your things and not have to monitor which random kid
has your kid's toy.
Liz
Just wondering why you got so upset over the event. It doesn't seem
that big a deal that the toddler accidently grabbed a truck that wasn't
being played with and wanted to play with it. I know the park you're
talking about. If it were me, I would've simply told the mom 'Oh I
actually brought that from home. Can you make sure I get it when he's
done playing with it? Thanks.' I don't understand why you needed it
back in your purse.
I do agree that the other mom was rude when she rolled her eyes but I
understand her point. You weren't leaving the park so why did you need
the toy? Also, if both your kids are too young to talk how was she
supposed to discipline her kid about not taking toys out of bags after
the incident was over? My 2+ year old would just look at me blankly if
I tried to tell him not to do that 5 minutes after it occurred.
Just sayin
When she accused your child of not wanting to share, you should said
with a big smile, ''No, *I'm* the big meanie who doesn't want to share.
I just don't feel like sharing my truck right now. And I never ever EVER
share my purse.''
This sharing business has gotten out of control -- it's become some kind
of constitutional right to use other people's stuff.
Just because someone asks for something doesn't mean you have to give it
to them. Sharing is supposed to be a voluntary act that you do to make
others happy, not because you're pressured into it. If someone doesn't
want to share, for whatever reason, what's the point of shaming them
into it? Perhaps I'm bitter -- I lost my husband's $30 basketball at
the playground because I shared it and wasn't paying attention when the
person I shared it with left with it.
I think it's fine to tell the mom, no, I don't know when I'm leaving,
but I need to keep my stuff in my bag or I'll forget it and leave it
here. She was just pissed at you because she couldn't face the terrible
act of taking a toy away from her kid. Not being able to do something
because it might make your kid cry is, of course, an excellent parenting
strategy that will work out really well for her later on.
Fran
The kid shouldn't have been rummaging through your bag. If the mother
saw it, she should have stopped it. If she didn't, then she should have
apologized for her childs actions. The kid isn't being annoying, just a
kid. I can't tell you how many times I have had to leap tall buildings
with a single bound to preserve some other mother's purse from being
taken hostage by my one-year-old (my three-year-old did the same thing
until about a year ago). I would chalk it up to a 'bad day' on the part
of the other mother. Maybe she was up all night because her child was
screaming with molars coming in...or maybe her husband just announced
that he was leaving her for his 20-year-old secretary.
If it happens again, just ask her to keep a closer eye on her son in a
friendly sort of way.
kids will be kids, but moms should be better
I may be in the minority, but in the amount of time I've been a parent,
I have gone from a ''never interfering'' policy to developing a pretty
nervy willingness to corral other people's kids. I try to be
straightforward, and not blaming. I know many times it's hard to keep a
precise eye on what your kids are doing, and I try to assume innocence
on behalf of the adults in charge, and the kids themselves. But when
other kids have trampled my own, or swiped a toy that my kid brought to
the park and actually wants, I talk to them as I would my own (ideally,
kindly but firmly). I actually have this problem more with older kids
who tend to be less supervised (or not at all) and I just step in and
say, as I just did last weekend, ''hey-- please don't throw the redwood
bark. There are lots of little kids around and someone could get
hurt.'' I buy into the communal parenting idea, and hope that if I miss
my kid doing something that offends, someone will call us on it-- kindly
but firmly.
However, I also buy into the communal toy idea. And I try to get my kids
to share what they bring to the park, in the spirit of having more
available for everyone. So in your situation, I guess I would have
mentioned to the mom that her son had taken it from my bag, but at some
point you need to let these things go otherwise you'll make yourself
crazy. And yes, the whole process of becoming a parent-- in terms of
social interaction with other adults-- can be frighteningly like being
in Junior High.
Say what you need to but hold the snakes.
It's perfectly fine for you to approach the parent of the wayward
youngster about getting the toys back. While you will inevitably find
(here in the Bay Area) a few parents at each playground who think ever
saying ''no'' to their kids is wretchedly cruel and poor parenting, it's
perfectly fine for you to say (nicely) ''whoops, your little cutie is
fascinated by stroller bags. ;) Can we please have our truck back?
Thanks!''.
This is less likely to put someone on the defensive, but also lets them
know what their child is up to.
It's natural to feel like we're all back in junior high when this stuff
happens; there's nothing like other fussy parents to make you feel
awkward, in my experience. But you're not crossing any line of etiquette
or decency by being politely firm about issues like this (and it's a
good message to the little one to ask before rummaging).
- Appreciative of Consideration and Niceness at Playgrounds
I think you have every right to be angry! I would have been upset too.
I have been lucky to not have a situation come up like this at the park.
BUT you had every right, it was your bag. I had a situation that made
me feel similar at Costco a couple of weeks ago. Another member picked
up the orange juice that had fallen off our cart, I saw him putting it
in his truck!!! And he was incredibly rude when I approached him about
it. I had to get the manger involved, and while the end result was I
got a shiny new orange juice, it sure left a bad taste in mouth and this
man was old enough to be my grandfather! People can be incredibly rude
in the most strange circumstances! I'm not sure what the park ettiquite
is, but I don't let my child rummage through other people's belongings
either, it's rude! I would have said something to that order, though it
sounds like she was trying to pick a fight...lame!
people can be unbelievably rude!
I have two kids who are now ages 10 & 7 and so looking back at these
types of situations I may have some insight. I think you can't change
people like that and it isn't worth the stuggle.
But having said that, I think you can sometimes politely state your case
(unless the other mom is crazy-- which is also a learning lesson to your
kid that some people are best avoided.) can say that maybe she didn't
see, but he grabbed it out of your bag & you guys are glad to share, but
he found this one in your bag, and that you brought one he CAN have--
here it is.
So many people out there have so many issues, just feel good knowing
that your kid has a mom who cares, and if someone is mean to you it's a
good time to show how you can let it roll off your back, because your
kid will run into ''meanies'' his whole life, at the playground, at
preschool, at college. I still don't understand how some parents are so
oblivious to what their kid is doing and then assuming their kid is
always ''right'' I try to remind myself how lucky my kids & I are that
I'm not like that. And now I see the fruits of my ''niceness.'' Mainly,
communicate with your own kid about what happened.
been there seen that
I'm the original poster. Thanks to everybody for their responses.
Some folks missed the point that I DID wait for the child to finish
playing with the toy, after which he handed it to his mother and that is
when I asked for the toy back. So yes, we did share the toy with the
kid. I do not have a problem with sharing, I have a problem with parents
picking a fight. I'll take the advice of many posters and just let the
issue go. There are
plenty of nice parents to play with.
Nerd Mom
You got lots of advice already, but I wanted to reaffirm that the creepy
mom at the park only ''wins'' if you let her get to you.
The line I've always used (in my head -- not out loud!) in situations
like that one is, ''OK, you have to deal with her --- but at least you
don't have to BE her....'' somehow it always helps me pull out one last
ounce of patience or humor.
If anything I'd feel sorry for the kid and probably let him KEEP the
truck to make up for having such a cranky mommy. And yes, I'd take a
bag that closes tightly, or no bag at all.
Been there. Pretending I'm bigger than That.
I read your post and waited anxiously to read responses b/c I have been
in very similar situations at the park with my 2 and
3 y.o. After reading some of the responses, I felt compelled to write
in your defense.
The part about sharing toys...I've just given up taking our things to
the park..too hard to keep track of, monitor, referee, etc. Even my
very easy going husband has stopped bringing things from home b/c he
felt like the bad cop.
We only play with what is there, and if my kids pick up something that
belongs to someone else, I loudly say ''that's not ours'' and wait for a
cue from the other parent who often say ''he can play with it, Johnny
isn't'' I then make sure that if Johnny returns, we give it back and
thank him for sharing.
The part about thinking about what you should have said after the
fact...I am a SAHM and sometimes the only adult I talk to all day might
be another parent at a park, and so, yes, if that interaction was less
than ideal, I might ruminate about it more than on a day when I have
lots of other adult conversations.
Don't be too hard on yourself!
And take YOUR toy back whenever you like, no explanation needed.
I feel you
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Last updated: Jun 6, 2008
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