What should I do when my toddler grabs kids' toys?

I'm new to this playground stuff (as a mom). What should I do when my 17 month old tries to grab other kids toys at the playground? For the most part, I try to redirect her, but sometimes there are so many around that she can't resist. Sometimes the kids share and sometimes they get very upset. Should I just let them hash it out or pull her away kicking and screaming?

I intervene and remind them to use their words and not their hands. Ask the person who had the toy first if they could share it and the other one can have a turn with it when they are done (or in a few minutes). I then give a few minutes and say ''ok, time to share!'' I often model asking and have them repeat it (''will you give me turn when after you play for a few more minutes?''), so they can develop the skills on their own. At home if I see a tug of war happening, my kids know I will simply take the toy away for using hands, not words, but that isn't a solution at a park with other kids. I don't think letting them work it out by sheer will and force without learning to develop sharing skills is a great long term solution...it is absolutely rough to have to mitigate this for a what feels like millions of times, but when I see my older two (ages 7 and 4) doing it on their own with their 3 year old brother or friends, there is pay off! mama bear of 3

When my kid was in the play ground as a toddler other parents and i would often tell our kids and others that. '' Oh she is playing with that right now. She will be glad to give it to you when she is done. Would you like to play with this other toy while you wait?''. And then when she give it to the waiting formerly grabbing kid, the one doing the sharing is praised, as is the one who was waiting. ''thank you for sharing, ..and thank YOU for waiting your turn!''. Other grown ups will not feel comfortable taking a grabbed item out of your kids hands, but you can and you probably should do so. You should probably give the grabbed item back to the other kid and apologize and ask them to share it with yor kid when they are done. Ohhhmmmmm. Anon.

Also, conversely, if she's occasionally grabbing from someone and the kid in question doesn't seem too phased by it, try letting it go. Still pay attention, but allow them to work it out. It also seems like an okay idea to occasionally try letting them ''work it out'' when the kid DOES get mad at her for grabbing. This will give her a chance to experience the response of her actions towards others. If she's naturally empathetic, this may help curb her behavior. If she's not (don't worry, that probably will come later for her), then she may not care about another kid's emotional pain (quite common! and this will be good for you to note as well.

In all of this please try to remain calm and keep your sense of humor -esp. when dealing with the other moms! It may blow your mind to find out how aggressive, critical, and judgmental some of the moms will be... But don't trip. We've all been there. If a mom unleashes her fury on you for not parenting ''right'' (ha!) try to blow it off and regroup somewhere else. Mamas can be ferocious when *protecting* their young.

Good luck on the playground! If I see you there, my daughter will be the one trying to hug your daughter the entire time while I gently explain to her that the other kids actually came there to play with toys... LOL

Mama of Over-Hugger

The issue about what to do when the kids aren't getting along on the playground (whether it is over a toy or anything else) is a separate issue altogether. At 17 months old, kids can't ''hash it out'' themselves and parental intervention is definitely needed. If my child wants to play with another child's toy, and it causes the other child to cry, then I will tell my little one that the other child was still playing with the toy and she needs to give it back. If I have to pick her up and play in another part of the playground (even if it makes her cry), well, so be it -- it is part of being a parent and setting boundaries.

The question you should ask yourself is whether you will be annoyed when the other parent steps in and corrects your child (since they do have every right to step in and protect their child from yours). If you don't want someone else to correct your little one, then yes, you need to do it even if your little one has a meltdown. Playground Mom

TOYS? To bring or not to bring to park?

Curious about people's general feelings about bringing toys to the park or not. Do you like to bring toys or not? Fun or more trouble than it is worth? What challenges do you find? What is the playground etiquette? I usually like to bring some sand toys or trucks since the supplies at the park can be pretty scant. We are happy to share toys, but it can get awkward when it is time to leave and other kids are playing with toys that we are about to take. The post below Annoying kids with rude parents at the playground sort of covers the question, but most responses are directed at the mom being annoyed at the other parent, rather than on general advice about bringing toys to the park. Thanks! New to playground

Depending on the age of the child, I use a couple of techniques. A very young child who doesn't neccessarily understand about giving the toy back will always have a caretaker close by, so you can ask the adult with the child to get the toy back. With older children, I let them know that we will ask for the toy back when we leave and I will need the toy back if they leave. Then I always give the child warning that I will be taking the toy back soon when I warn my own child that we are leaving soon. As long as you are kind and firm about it, I wouldn't worry about upsetting another child. They will have to learn about sharing and other people's things at some point and you will have to learn to set boundaries with other people's children at some point too - might as well be at the park. love bringing sand toys to the park

I read the previous posting and frankly, I really disagree w/ the original poster and most of the respondents. It's a park, these are little (pre-talking!) kids, and her child wasn't even playing with the truck. What's the big deal? A baby took a toy from her bag and wanted to play with it? We spend so much time and effort ''teaching'' our children to share, but what are we actually modeling? Not to get all anti-capitalist here, but when we put so much importance on ownership of our objects, it's no wonder that our children scream 'MINE'! when someone picks up their toy. I do believe it's important to teach kids what's theirs and what belongs to others (''Nope, that's not your bike, sweetie!'') but I also think it's important to model gracious, relaxed sharing (''Sure, she can take a turn in our wagon!'')

The sandbox-as-life metaphor has been used time and time again to relay (cheesy but true) lessons about cooperation, sharing, and community -- I see I see taking toys to the park (and sharing them!) as part of this lesson. Sure, kids will fight over toys, and maybe even cry and get upset. It's all part of life. Write your name on 'em, make sure you get them back before you leave (if another kid is playing with the toy, approach the parent, let them know it's time for you to go, and get the toy), and have fun! Socialist Playground Mama

1. Toys at the park are for sharing. So that ground rule does provide a good way to teach your kid to share/take turns, but of course it can cause grouchiness if you kid is not in the mood to that on a given day. If I'm going to pack toys I always pack at least two shovels (or two identical toys) to try to minimize this.

2. Write your kids' initials with a sharpie somewhere on the toys so you can easily identify which of the million shovels is yours. When it's time to go, you just have to say to the other kids who may be playing with the toys, ''Sorry, but we need those things since it's time for us to go.'' Kids are usually pretty good at relinquishing toys and parents/nannys at helping them do so.

3. Sometimes it is a drag to bring toys but on the other hand, sometimes your children will entertain themselves far longer at the park with a simple bucket and shovel so it seems worth it. Plus I don't want to be the person at the park whose kid is always playing with other people's toys but never brings any to share themselves.

Unsupervised older kids at the playground

I have a 1 year old son (first), so we're just starting to navigate the whole playground dynamic. So here's my question. I was at a playground where there was a group of 5 or 6 boys about 8-10 yo range. They were having a great time, running, yelling, which is fine. I looked around and there didn't seem to be many parents. It looked like there was one Mom, who was tending to a slightly younger child.

So my one year old and I are watching, and staying out of the way, but one of the boys starts spitting down, almost on us. I tell them ''Please don't spit'', and they start spitting more, so we move. In fairness, it was one boy, and I can't really tell which one, so I don't say anything.

They are all wearing some yellow caution tape that was intended to keep kids off a broken part of equipment. They are taunting the one same age girl, but call her by name (so they know her), and calling her names. She's tough, and starts chasing them around. They say ''Let's get her'', and start holding her, saying ''let's tie her up''. Still no parents. Note: the girl seems to be okay, no crying or being upset.

So, at the point where they actually catch her, and seem to proceed to tie her up. the one Mom with the younger child yells at them to stop, so they do.

Is she the only one there to watch all these kids? Meanwhile, all the younger kids have left the play ground crying for whatever reason. I can't say the boys were the reason.

So, am I being judgemental in thinking that there should be more parental control? Should I have approached the one Mom about the spitting, if they were even belonging to her? Will I be one of those Moms when my 1 year old is that age, with all his friends, and I'm just so tired and releived to let them blow off steam? Not looking forward to this

To answer your question -- at this age, I would certainly not expect an adult to be closely supervising -- kids this age are pretty self-sufficient although unruly in large groups. Which is why it's important for the ''village'' of other adults to feel fine about stepping in when they cross the line. It would be absolutely fine to be firmer and louder the second time -- ''Hey, did you hear me? I said, no spitting. I don't want your saliva on my head, thanks, and neither does my kid. If you want to spit, take it out of the playground.'' The tone you want is firm, friendly, and non-condescending.

Or you can go to the mom and say, ''Some of the boys were spitting and they came very close to hitting me. I didn't feel comfortable telling them to stop. Would you mind telling them?''

As for the tying up stuff -- well, kids this age are all about boy vs. girl fighting/flirting. The same game can be mean in one context and silly in another. If no one seemed upset I'd probably let it go until someone was, but you could also put a word in the ear of the mom then, too. Like, ''I don't know these kids so I don't know if this tying up game is OK or not, but I just wanted to point it out to you in case it isn't.''

The main thing to remember is that a lot of independence happens between 1 and 10, but kids are still kids, in need of gentle but firm reminders about what's OK and what isn't. And when you're the mom of an older kid you'll look back at the parents of 1 year olds, vigilantly supervising every move they make, and wonder how you ever did it. I remember, kind of

Having one parent at a park for a few 8-10 year olds isn't about being ''tired and relieved''. It's about giving kids the appropriate level of responsibility coupled with appropriate supervision. In this instance, it sounds like those kids maybe could have used a little more intervention from the parent with regard to the spitting. However, I suspect you will understand a bit better when you have a child in that age range, even if you're ''not looking forward to that.'' Hope this helps - Mom of Boys

The one mother you saw could very well not have been associated with the group you saw, and simply stepped in as available adult when the play began to get dangerous. I have been that available adult at times. Kids--even as they begin to navigate the world on their own--need to know that there are social standards and that there are eyes on them. Sometimes what it takes is an adult moving into the kids' space and just letting them know that someone see that their behavior has gone to far. Other times, it takes words: I see you and what you are doing is not okay.

Kids do sometimes need to push boundaries to know how far is too far. The key is to give the feedback that will trigger their own sense of--dare I say it?--shame for inappropriate behavior. Then they have a better sense of what is too far. Also, some of the boys might have been egging others on, and it helps the less alpha kids feel supported if an adult steps in to set a limit. It's okay for you to check in with that other mom, too. She may have had her hands full with a younger one, or she might have been eyeing you with the same sort of question. And if you need to, pick up your kid and go to a different park. Sometimes that other mom

I have no qualms about very clearly and firmly telling kids like that that their behavior is not acceptable. Frankly, I believe bad behavior should be called on. When I do that to kids, they behave, and are quite shocked that an adult they don't know is putting them in their place.

It takes a village, and again, yes, that mother was wrong to not be involved, but that's no excuse for such awful behavior to go on. If my kid was the one acting like that I truly hope some other parent would step in. And sure, tell that mother on your way out what happened and what you did to help those kids learn. Part of the Village

My advice is DON'T go to the mom if she's not participating -- don't be a tattle-tale. If nothing is being done and it appears that the mom is for whatever reason is unable to attend to it - just tell the kids directly what you think. One thing, at that age, there's a lot of girls chase boys/boys chase girls and you have to trust your instincts and decide on whether it's okay or not.

Did the girl seem to be laughing and enjoying it or was she looking around for help or actually telling them to stop? Does she seem okay, but then seem overwhelmed? Make sure to use all the proper confrontation rules -- no ''You'' statements -- just state the facts. ''Hey, I said don't spit near us. Knock that off, that's gross!'' They're at an age where they need a couple of reminders, they may test, etc. Mom can't get mad at you for saying that.

And if the girl looked like she needed help, maybe...''Hey guys, she doesn't look like she's enjoying that. No, that looks like too much.'' Or, ''that doesn't look safe, let's find something else to do.'' Walk toward them if they don't stop and continue the non-''You'' statements -- state the facts, look them in the eyes and repeat what your saying. Don't tell someone else's children what to do, however.

It's good to participate in the monitoring of children around us, but you have to do it carefully so as to not appear as if your taking over as the parent, but rather stating what you see that appears to not be okay. First observe a little and then trust your instincts on what appears to be / not be okay playground etiquette. Playground mom

When my kids were young, older kids overwhelmed me too. I saw it mostly at the library after 3. It's just a different ball game when your child is one year old, and you need to follow their every move. Parks with a different area for older and younger kids might be best. Also during the day, all the older kids will be in school so you won't have to deal with them. I wouldn't want to navigate the park with those boys and my one year old either, but other than the spitting I don't think they really did anything wrong. not at the park

You could have asked the other mother if any of those were her children, and asked her to stop them from spitting. She may not have seen them spitting, or heard you asking them to stop.

Never be afraid to be a tough mother bear and tell them to knock it off in no uncertain terms. Tell them to head to the big kids' area -- this is the baby area. ''You boys should not be in the baby park?'' Embarassment can work, an adult yelling at them. You will probably never experience this again. Sorry one of your early park play experiences was with wilder kids. It's usually quite pleasant and relaxing to play in the sunshine, learning to use fingers and balance, and toes and toddling around. It will be enjoyable again. But use your instincts. If something bugs you or scares you, listen. Park lover, Park mom

Protocol on toys at Totland

I was wondering if anyone knew of a protocol (official or un) about borrowing toys from Totland in Berkeley. Occasionally we play with a toy there that would be fun to take home for a few days. Is this ok? It would be great to ''check out'' a toy and not have to accumulate more stuff! I haven't done it yet, because it seems a bit like stealing when I don't have permission, and I certainly don't want to do wrong by Totland. We love it too much!! curious mama

Violent Children at the Park

I am totally weirded out by an encounter I just had. Two little twin girls basically jumped me, my son (1.5) and our dog. They came up to us and took his toy away and looked right at me and started to hit the dog. I told them no, and to be gentle, their mother came up and sort of said half heartedly, that's his toy, and then they went at it again. I have a very small dog and was worried about the baby and the dogs physical safety. I picked up the baby and basically high tailed it out of there, I could hear the mom saying ''oh they're SOOO bad'' as I left. I don't know if she actually meant her children were bad, or if she was mocking my reaction. The more aggressive of the two girls had a huge knot the shape of a table tennis ball in the middle of her forehead and neither of them smiled as they descended on us. It was actually sort of scary. The parents were both there, both young, both sort of sketchy looking, the father sitting on a picnic table spitting. The whole thing just freaked me out and I can't shake it. Am I being a whimp? What do you do in such a situation? What should I have done? So strange the whole thing.... I don't know what you are supposed to do, I mean I know kids take other kids toys at the park all the time, and it happens to us all the time, but this was different, more violent, and it just plain freaked me out. weirded out

I haven't been in a situation that bad, although we did have a run in with more obnoxious than violent children at the Kensington Circus Pub not long ago. Basically, the parents were not watching their children in the small play area and their kids were running around, throwing things, and knocking over the toddlers trying to play nicely. When a little boy starting hitting our toddler in the face, we broke it up and brought it to the parents' attention. They blamed us for not telling them sooner, as if their kids behavior was our fault. We promptly left and probably won't return.

It's a shame that parents don't take responsibility for their children early on and teach them how to behave properly. I completely understand that small children will be small children who don't understand sharing or playing together. Aggression and violence are a whole other thing, however. Anyway, I hope you don't have an encounter to that magnitude ever again and I think you did the right thing.

p.s. I am a ''young'' parent for the bay (under 30) and consider myself to be a very attached mama, so saying the parents in your situation were ''young'' doesn't carry that much weight with me. It's fairly easy to see how ''good'' parents are by the way they respond to their child(ren). anon

When you go back to that park, and please do go back to that park, look out for these children and avoid them. If they approach you, try to distract them with a friendly statement. Something like, ''Hey look at that bird, do you know what kind it is?''. You would be surprised at how this can reset a child who has malicious intent. Jeanne

Not all young, sketchy looking parents are bad. I spent a lot of time with one that fit that description last year at a playground. Her child was lovely. She has a steamer trunk full of issues, but really, she is nice and her child is wonderful. -anon

Because I always carry a small self-focusing camera, I took photos of this man. When he realized he was bing photographed, this large smelly man assaulted me, declaring, loudly: ''This is MY park ! I live here ! Give me that ! I'll kill you ! (while he grabbed for my camera) [etc.]'' We left, leaving behind great confusions.

Compassion for those who have fallen on hard times is, in our opinions, no excuse for any homeless person to habituate a children's park ! ! ! Compassion and empathy for a homeless person's hard times will not stop us from protecting our children from inappropriate touching and/or other inappropriate conducts ! ! !

As soon as we got home, we sent these photos, including the photos I had taken while this large man screamed threats at me while he tried to take my camera (eg: assault), to the Berkeley Police. We have no idea what happened, but that man and his very inappropriate conducts have not been in that park for about a year. We have absolutely no idea how some parents had not only put up with the inappropriate conduct of this man, but, far worse, we had no way of explaining to our children how some parents had scolded their children for their appropriate reticence to be touched by a strange adult.

We continue to go to that park, we have not seen that man in or near that park (and there have not been other habitual homeless that we know of) and, occasionally, a neighborhood parent will thank us for ''handling'' this man's habitual intrusions. Why did it take a new neighbor to ''speak up'' ? ? ? New neighbor

Toy thief at neighborhood toddler park

We live adjacent to a pocket park in Rockridge that has a small play structure and which is frequented by mainly toddlers (most days it's nanny central with kids everywhere, and it's a central gathering place for families on weekends). People have traditionally left toys like ride-on cars, buckets and shovels, etc., which the kids love. Some of us neighbors remove broken toys from time to time and buy replacements.

Unfortunately, another adjacent neighbor has recently decided he doesn't like the noise of the kids and has therefore started removing (stealing) the toys in an effort to discourage kids from coming to the park (apparently he's unfamiliar with the Grinch story...). The night before Mothers' Day, all the ride- on cars, a picnic table, basketball hoop, teeter totter, and all the buckets and shovels disappeared. We confronted the neighbor, who admitted having taken toys and refused to engage in any kind of neighborhood dialogue or try to come up with a compromise that would take all the stakeholders' interests into account. Our city council person's office said they monitor the park and do not consider the toys to be a blight; rather, they think the toys keep toddlers coming, which keeps drug dealers away.

We replaced some of the toys last week, only to have them disappear again last night - very frustrating. Has anyone dealt with something like this? Any suggestions? To top it all off, this man's family owns a very popular and successful childrens' store in Rockridge, so it's doubly ironic that he would be acting this way towards neighborhood toddlers. Feel free to email me directly.

Older child with developmental issues is frightening my toddler

So- I have a difficult question and am looking for some sensitive advice. My 19month old's favorite playground is also frequented by an older child (11 or 12?) who has some developmental problems. The issue is that the three times we have seen him, he will come over and put his hands on my son- not in a bad or unkind way, but in a way that because he is a stranger to my son, frightens him greatly. I was not at the park during this last incident, but when he frightened my child, my husband tried to explain that because he was a stranger it was scary and perhaps he should give him some space. The child then introduced himself and said, ''I am not a stranger anymore'' and tried to pull my son out of my husband's arms. Then he saw my son's nose was a little runny and wiped it with his hand, which caused my son to scream. So my husband pulled him closer and explained that he needed some quite time with dad. The child waited about 10 seconds before trying to pry my husband's arms off our son. Once free, our son, crying, just wanted to go home. This time, the park was not that busy, so it was clear who the father was, but in the past, there wasn't anyone nearby who clearly was watching this child. But, I must add, the father watched and did nothing this time. My husband wanted to go over and talk to him, but our son was so upset that he couldn't justify it- and this is what always happens, so there is no good time to try to track down the parents. So how should we deal with it? I know we can just go to a different park, but somehow that doesn't feel right. We are not angry with the other child, just frustrated that we can't communicate effectively with him, and that his parents aren't providing guidance. We do need our son to feel safe. Suggestions? anon

To the person who suggested yelling at the kid to stay away from 10 feet back and looking into a restraining order - this boy is not being malicious, he just does not understand. You can not equate that with being rude. And there is nothing in the situation described to suggest he would become violent. Making a commotion over it would probably just reinforce in the younger child that there is something to be afraid of. Yes, the boy needs to learn how to live in society, but that is sometimes easier said than done.

My 4 year old is very mildly autistic, and has similar issues. His teachers and I have been working on teaching him the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touches for over 6 months and have made no headway. I cannot explain or justify the father's inaction, and yes - I would think that he would want to get involved. However, I have learned not to be judgemental of other people's parenting techniques because you truly do not know what that person is up against until you have been in their shoes. Traditional parenting techniques do not work with non-traditional children. It could be that the only way for his son to learn social behavior is to deal with the natural causes of his reactions (people don't want to play with you if you touch them inappropriately). Or maybe he really is just that oblivious. Again, I don't know what the situation is there, but neither do you. In fact, you sound like someone who has absolutely no experience with developmental disorders.

Conflicts really can be resolved without resorting to yelling at people. Please, just have a little compassion. Anon

Toddlers' bottoms in the water play table at Totland

Enjoying a nice day at Berkeley Totland today... and it's hot! There were a few mothers/caregivers with their children at the water table (supposedly a table meant for water play with hands) and inside an inflatable pool. There were two toddlers IN (like sitting in) the water table, at one time naked, at other times in non-swim diapers (at least they looked non-swim... very saggy and full of water). The children in the pool were either naked, or in diapers.

I moved to Berkeley a year ago, and sometimes I wonder whether it's me or not. Isn't this really disgusting? Is this what happens every hot day at totland? So I have to spend the summer making sure my son keeps his hands out of the water table? I just don't know what to think. Should I have said something? Or is this another one of '' let the spirit of the kid run free'' things that my jaded, non Nor-Cal mind can't wrap around? Looking for some guidance,
Sign me as Yuk

I think parents, probably including myself, have trouble remembering that other people may think their children's naked butts are anything but cute. We had a similar situation where certain friends would come over and their daughter would always strip naked. Then she would sit naked on our couch, our carpet, on our beds on our laps. The final straw came when I found her naked sitting on my bed directly on my pillow! Her parents saw nothing wrong with it. She was 4 years old and we all know how 4 year olds wipe! Like you, I didn't know what to say so made sort of a joke about it which they didn't pick up on then promptly washed my sheets before I went to bed. Needless to say, they were friends who were also inconsiderate in other ways, so we don't hang out with them anymore.

After seeing what you did, I don't think there is any way you should let your kid play in that water table. There are a lot of other nice parks around besides totland that don't have waterplay. In the mean time, these situations just make me try to be more conciencious about making sure my own kids don't gross others out. disgusted too!

When I was a SAHM, on hot days I thought that water looked a bit questionable. I usually told my kids that they could play in the water table at home. My nanny told me that they change the water pretty frequently??? I never thought this. I guess I don't mind if they put their hands in it or if they play with the running water there but I don't want them sitting in that water! Grossed out too by totland water area

From a scientific standpoint, just so you know - urine is sterile so your child shouldn't catch anything if kids are peeing in the water or have pee in their diapers - but again, gross! However, you really don't want your kid playing in water contaminated by feces.

Honestly, I've given up on most parks altogether. If it's not your water table issue, it's the politics of toy sharing - see recent agonizingly long discussion on that - or the oneupmanship (oneupwomanship?) about how organically you are raising your child anon

But if there's an inflatable pool, of course kids are going to go sit in that, so I think you have to let that go. A swim diaper is not stopping urine from getting in any pool. It's only purpose is to not become a 10 lb. weight on your baby, compared to a regular diaper. So if you're sharing a ''public pool'' those are the hazards...

Maybe this post will open a few people's eyes who hadn't considered the other side fan of reasonable cleanliness

Playground bullies (the parents, not the kids!)

We were at Willard tot playground with our 22-month-old son on a recent windy weekend morning when a father and his two kids entered the gates. The son (7 or 8) was bored and started hurling a frisbee around. As the frisbee whistled past small children, I asked the father if the son could take the frisbee elsewhere. The father (a husky middleaged man) launched into a tirade about ''overprotective parents'' and told his son to keep playing frisbee. When my husband told him to show more respect, he tried to goad my husband into a physical fight. My husband did not take the bait. The question is, how do we react when we next encounter him in the park? Willard tot playground is a weekend sanctuary for us. Yet this man also frequents the place and clearly enjoys conflict. peaceful playground seeker

Annoying kids with rude parents at the playground

Is it ever worth it to get into an argument with somebody at the playground? I recently started regularly taking my only child to a fantastic neighborhood playground. Most of the other parents are at least polite, and many are even friendly. There are toys lying around that people have brought and left, and there is an unspoken rule that an unattended toy is pretty much up for grabs. It's been a great place for my kid to learn about sharing. I usually bring along a spare truck that I can use in trade; for example, if he's playing with another child's toy and the kid needs to go home I'll swap the borrowed toy for the truck. Today, another child actually went through my bag and took out the truck to play with. When he eventually took the truck to his mother, I approached her and asked if I could get it back. She asked if I was leaving and I said no, I just wanted to put the truck away and she rolled her eyes and told her son that my son didn't want to share though neither of our kids is of talking age. I took this as a personal insult but controlled myself and just put the truck away. I didn't think anything would be gained by pointing out that her kid had gone through my bag... it just felt like she was looking to pick a fight. Now at the end of the day I feel that she's won somehow and I wish that I had told her to control her kid and keep him out of people's bags, or that I had taken the truck away from him when I first saw that he had it. What exactly is the playground ettiquite for a situation like this? Do you enforce the same rules for other kids that you enforce for your own? Do you ask the parents to control their kids? I never let my son go through other people's bags or stroller baskets, why should I let other kids go through mine? Also, I'd never seen this family before, so I'm wondering why I was so concerned about looking like a bully in the first place, or why it bothers me so much that she disapproves of me. I feel like I'm in the 5th grade again and one of the cool kids just told me that my favorite sweater is ugly and now I want to hide a snake in her lunchbox. Nerd Mom

I've been on both sides of this issue: having the out-of-control kid with terrible behavior and being subjected to the same. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just walk away, especially with pre-verbal children. You asserted your boundaries, got your property back and walked away: kudos to you! You might ask yourself what you would like to gain from lecturing the other mother.... My experience is that everyone has their own tolerance level for playground behavior, so I would just try to seek out people that seem to be on the same wavelength and let the others find their own friends as well. Don't Judge Me Please!

You are not alone. I've often thought that political summit meetings have nothing on toddler playgrounds: the negotiations are equally volatile, and they both require lots of backup (toys, that is). That said, I think the mom you're talking about was a boor. Boor, boor, boor. Her kid was wayy out of line to get all up in your bag, and the way she handled it was wrong. If I'm at, say, Thousand Oaks or Totland and my toddler touches someone else's stuff, I gently tell her, ''That belongs to someone else,'' or ''That's not ours,'' and I redirect her immediately to another one of the toys there. Heaven knows, there are enough!

I think it's perfectly ok to calmly tell another parent that you'd prefer their child not go into your things. Let her eyes roll right out of her head, girlfriend: it's YOUR stuff. One time, at one of these parks, a little boy had been hogging a very popular little cart for an entire hour. My daughter had been obviously crying for it, repeatedly trying to get in there, and finally, after a full hour of the mom totally ignoring (and that's a whole other issue - this mom did not interact with her son the whole hour I was there) the interactions and my exasperation with trying to distract my daughter, I kindly went up to the mom and asked if my daughter could sit in the car for a minute. The mom looked at me, smirked, and then went back to reading her book.

Oh, man. My inner Rambo wanted to chuck that book of hers into some cavity where the Berkeley Parents Network would surely censor me, but you get the picture. We do what we can. We are bag stuffers and emptiers. We are tooth gritters and grinders. We are moms.

See you at the parks. Live Long and Prosper

And from the way you describe it, your instinct sounds about right -- this woman wanted to pick a fight and you happened to be the first opportunity. She was also passive-aggressive enough to make you feel it was your fault.

Unfortunately, I think you just have to eat it. Not to go completely ''Dear Abby'' on you, but it's just not worth it. When a stranger has interacted with me this way, I've either just ignored it completely, made a non-committal ''uh-huh'' (which is pretty passive-aggressive but seems better than a heated argument), or have made some sort of other non-committal comment.

The few times I've responded to show how peed off I am about how someone's spoken to me, it hasn't made things any better....

I bet you're nervous about what to do when you see her again. (Well, I would be! That bottom-rung of the schoolyard feeling is horrible.) But just ignore her. Really. You can be sure she isn't exactly loving being herself anyway. Her being mean to you has got to be a sympton of how unhappy she is about her world. And _that_ might be enough to make you feel better, too :) Not a snarky parent

Many a park day, I have found myself in jaw-dropping situations, which left me overwhelmed and questioning my parenting abilities. So many times, I have discussed these situations w/ my husband, who is (thank goodness)a magnificent sounding board and voice of common sense. Who would have suspected that innocent trips to the park would put you in such a confused state? I think I could most definitely write a book entitled, ''Everything Your Child Will Need to Know in Life Will be Revealed in the Sandbox.''... Required reading before, ''Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned in Kindergarten.''

I have two young children myself -- a 5 + 2 year old, so I am still in the midst of park scenarios, yet have some experience to speak from. What we have come to ''teach'' our children about park toys is that if we bring a toys to the park, other children may play with them if my children are not playing with them. If, however, my children would like to play with their toys and if other children are playing w/ them, I (now my older child is able to ask on his own) kindly assert that those are indeed my child's toys and please may we have them back, thank you very much. Likewise, we play w/ toys that are out and about but if a child approaches us and lets us know that it his, we oblige by returning his toy.

Things don't always go ''perfectly'' and I believe that to be a valuable lesson as well... Things may not always go as we like. And sometimes it is better to ''let it go'' than expect to share each and every thing precisely all of the time. Because that is not realistic. We just have to try to get along, and unkind words in response to rudeness and selfishness may put you in an akward situation down the road.

Nice children come from nice families where cooperative behaviors are modeled. It is obvious from your posting that you care about park ettiquite and making your park fun for all. Been there, doing that

Also I think you confuse things when you say you want to teach your child how to share but arent willing to share yourself also you said the child was not of talking age so for you to want the child to ask for the toys seems odd.

My last words are relax its a park!!! kids will interact with one another and they will use each other toys don't penalize the child (''you or your did not ask or apologize for the toy therefore you can't play with my toy'') for his mother's thoughtlessness --when faced with such a situation try not to be defensive try to be positive solution solver! Have fun playing! zee

In addition, children have simplistic concepts at this stage. The other mother was right. You (and by extension) your child didn't want to share right then.

Sharing is a pervasive concept at that age. If the child gets the toy, that is sharing. Not everybody wants to share all the time. This business of keeping a toy ''for trade'' is not done.

It sounds to me as though your intuitive approach is a controlling one and that you have a bit of a thin skin. Have you thought of hooking up with an experienced mom and asking her what she does about things?

You will make yourself miserable if you don't kind of go with the flow for these things. If you only want one toy at the playground, only bring one toy. If you want two or three, then share them. This isn't a bad rule, and it's one that children can understand.

You mention that the children aren't speaking yet. So how would the other child understand the social niceties of ''yes there is a fun toy in the bag but you cannot have it. Bobby's mommy wants it to stay in the bag.'' ?

If you don't want children going through your bag, stop them from going through your bag. This is a fine thing to stop a child from doing. You can phrase it like ''ooh. Watch out. There are things in there I don't want to spill.'' at which point the child's mother is supposed to say ''Sheila, we don't go through bags.'' I swear, you can CHART these interactions.

Once you figure out how it works, you'll do fine, but IMHO you'll have to really look for advice and mentoring so that you don't pound your head against the wall and make yourself miserable. It was smart of you to post on this list. experienced mom

More thoughts: Like you said, there are toys already there that ''live'' at the park and having to collect your toys to take them home can cause the annoying drama you described. In my opinion, going to the park is for seeing other kids, playing on the equipment there, etc. If your son is going to play with his toys from home, what is the point? I also think you should not have taken the other mom's saying, ''That boy doesn't want to share'' as a personal insult. That is a valid explanation. Would you have been happier if she said, ''This big lady doesn't want to share?'' The other mom probably thinks you are just as annoying for bringing a toy that you were willing to share and then collecting it at a random time. She probably would have been quite willing to give it back when you were leaving. She was no doubt not aware that her son got it out of your bag which you assumed was safe. Finally, your philosophy of trying to pawn off one of your toys to other kids if, when that other kid is going home, your kid still has their toy, is weird and unfair. It it not to early to teach your son that you can borrow things but have to give them back when the owner wants them. Hands-free park goer

As for playground etiquette -- no, I don't think you need to stand by while somebody else's toddler goes through your bag -- you could, in a very friendly voice, say to the child, ''oh no, that's not for sharing'', (or something like that) as you gently take the bag away. If I were the child's parent, I would jump in at that point and say ''no, Johnny, we don't go through other people's things''

If, on the other hand, you march up to someone and angrily demanded that they ''control'' their child, you will be putting them on the defensive - you're effectively implying that the other parent isn't doing their job - you're likely to get an angry, reactive response. Instead, if you must say something, again I recommend doing it in a friendly way, and assume the other parent just hasn't noticed the unacceptable behavior, for example ''excuse me, I wonder if you've noticed that your child is going through my bag?'' That's if you must say anything at all. Frankly, in this situation, I would just let it go. Diane

Just think ''I'm a duck and whatever this other mom said is just water off my back.'' Think, she needs to live with herself, and you can leave her and her kid at the park. Further, I think it is best to just be really kind to everyone because we're all going through a great struggle--you don't know, maybe she's ill or has a a really difficult struggle. Just think you have school and PTA to look forward to! Duck Mom

I do agree that the other mom was rude when she rolled her eyes but I understand her point. You weren't leaving the park so why did you need the toy? Also, if both your kids are too young to talk how was she supposed to discipline her kid about not taking toys out of bags after the incident was over? My 2+ year old would just look at me blankly if I tried to tell him not to do that 5 minutes after it occurred. Just sayin

This sharing business has gotten out of control -- it's become some kind of constitutional right to use other people's stuff. Just because someone asks for something doesn't mean you have to give it to them. Sharing is supposed to be a voluntary act that you do to make others happy, not because you're pressured into it. If someone doesn't want to share, for whatever reason, what's the point of shaming them into it? Perhaps I'm bitter -- I lost my husband's $30 basketball at the playground because I shared it and wasn't paying attention when the person I shared it with left with it.

I think it's fine to tell the mom, no, I don't know when I'm leaving, but I need to keep my stuff in my bag or I'll forget it and leave it here. She was just pissed at you because she couldn't face the terrible act of taking a toy away from her kid. Not being able to do something because it might make your kid cry is, of course, an excellent parenting strategy that will work out really well for her later on. Fran

However, I also buy into the communal toy idea. And I try to get my kids to share what they bring to the park, in the spirit of having more available for everyone. So in your situation, I guess I would have mentioned to the mom that her son had taken it from my bag, but at some point you need to let these things go otherwise you'll make yourself crazy. And yes, the whole process of becoming a parent-- in terms of social interaction with other adults-- can be frighteningly like being in Junior High. Say what you need to but hold the snakes.

It's natural to feel like we're all back in junior high when this stuff happens; there's nothing like other fussy parents to make you feel awkward, in my experience. But you're not crossing any line of etiquette or decency by being politely firm about issues like this (and it's a good message to the little one to ask before rummaging). - Appreciative of Consideration and Niceness at Playgrounds

So many people out there have so many issues, just feel good knowing that your kid has a mom who cares, and if someone is mean to you it's a good time to show how you can let it roll off your back, because your kid will run into ''meanies'' his whole life, at the playground, at preschool, at college. I still don't understand how some parents are so oblivious to what their kid is doing and then assuming their kid is always ''right'' I try to remind myself how lucky my kids & I are that I'm not like that. And now I see the fruits of my ''niceness.'' Mainly, communicate with your own kid about what happened. been there seen that

The line I've always used (in my head -- not out loud!) in situations like that one is, ''OK, you have to deal with her --- but at least you don't have to BE her....'' somehow it always helps me pull out one last ounce of patience or humor.

If anything I'd feel sorry for the kid and probably let him KEEP the truck to make up for having such a cranky mommy. And yes, I'd take a bag that closes tightly, or no bag at all. Been there. Pretending I'm bigger than That.

The part about sharing toys...I've just given up taking our things to the park..too hard to keep track of, monitor, referee, etc. Even my very easy going husband has stopped bringing things from home b/c he felt like the bad cop.

We only play with what is there, and if my kids pick up something that belongs to someone else, I loudly say ''that's not ours'' and wait for a cue from the other parent who often say ''he can play with it, Johnny isn't'' I then make sure that if Johnny returns, we give it back and thank him for sharing.

The part about thinking about what you should have said after the fact...I am a SAHM and sometimes the only adult I talk to all day might be another parent at a park, and so, yes, if that interaction was less than ideal, I might ruminate about it more than on a day when I have lots of other adult conversations. Don't be too hard on yourself!

And take YOUR toy back whenever you like, no explanation needed. I feel you