Obese Friend
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Obese Friend
June 2003
I have some friends who have a child who is obese. My friends
don't seem to see that their child is obese and don't seem to
think that it might affect her health. It seems like every time
I talk to them they are taking the child out for ice cream and
feeding her all sorts of junk food and desserts. She is always
eating a bag of candy or chips. I have seen her eat what seems
like a huge amount, and her parents still worry that she isn't
eating enough. Its like they are unconsciously pushing more and
more food on her. I find it odd because the parents are so
health conscious. They sort of brag about how big she is and I
think somehow its a source of pride. I worry because obesity in
children can have serious health affects for the rest of their
life, not to mention the social affects. Do I say something?
They are very close friends and I love this child and worry
about her health. I worry that she is going to struggle for the
rest of her life overcoming the bad eating habits that her
parents are inadvertently teaching her. What to do?
anon
If you are concerned about childhood obesity, then you should
make sure YOUR children aren't obese. However, to try to push
your views on others will only push the others away. In other
words, this is none of your business, and you are likely to hurt
your friendship by forcing the issue.
MYOB
June 2003
I have a very dear friend that is very obese. She has been
consistently getting bigger over the years and I am starting to
get very concerned about her health and well being. In addition
to her weight she has Multiple Sclerosis. She is 28 years old
and has never been on a date. I feel like the rest of her
friends and family tip-toe around her weight issue but I am
wondering if as her very close friend I should give her the
opportunity to talk with someone about it, in addition to the
therapist that she is seeing. I have never had to deal with
weight issues so I don't want to seem to her that I know
exactly what she is going through, because I really don't.
I would especially like to hear from those of you that have
dealt with this issue personally to hear if you would have
liked to been approached from a friend. Thanks in advance!
concerned friend
Your concern is laudable, but I doubt there is anything you can
say or do that will really help your friend - especially
because you don't have a weight problem. In fact, I think it
might do more harm than good. I'm sure she is very aware that
she is overweight and probably is concerned about her health
Discussing these issues with a thin person may be difficult for
her. If for some reason you think she is not aware of the
health risks, then perhaps suggesting she talk with her doctor
might help. But I don't know anyone today who is not aware of
the myriad of health risks associated with being overweight.
My weight has been going up and down for 20 years and I've
never heard anything helpful from anyone who hasn't been there,
although support from others attempting weight loss can be very
helpful. If she does decide to try to loose weight of course
you gently encourage her and support her efforts. I know it is
frustrating to not be able to do anything for her, but weight
loss motivation comes from within and not from well-meaning
friends and family.
anon
My question to you would be what do you want to accomplish by
talking to your friend? Do you want to get her to lose weight?
You can be pretty sure that your friend knows that she is obese
(and that she is gaining weight, this is apparent when you go
shopping and need to go one size up) so she doesn't need you
telling her that. She also doesn't need you to tell her that
obesity is dangerous for her health, we hear this on the media
practically every day. I'm pretty sure that she wants to lose
the weight, but it's not an easy matter.
Do you want to support her emotionally with her weight issues?
Then what you can do is show her that you are a fat-friendly
person, that you don't judge people based on their size and that
you think that those who do are wrong.
But it may very well be that her weight issues are not that
complicated and there isn't much to talk about it. In my case,
for example, I'm obese, I wish I wasn't, but I don't want to do
what it would take (i.e. rigurous diet & exercise) to lose the
weight. I don't really have much more to say about it :)
anon
I've never been officially obese, but I have definitely dealt with significant
weight problems in my life. I was always aware of my problems and the
issues I was dealing with, and the last thing I would have wanted would
have been for a friend to bring those up with me. My advice would be --
give your friend something else to enjoy besides food -- namely your
friendship and the things you do together. Don't make your friendship
into just another place where she has to deal with all those darn food
issues!
Karen
Believe me, your friend already knows she's obese. Every time
she goes to the doctor, she's told. Strangers on the street
(well-meaning and not so well-meaning) tell her. Coworkers are
likely to be feeling helpful as well. The best thing you can do
is be her friend, and if she chooses to change her eating and/or
exercise habits be supportive by not interfering with her
changes. If she has the strength and is interested, she might
enjoy walking and talking which would promote her health. Unless
she brings it up do not talk about her weight, health or habits.
anon
I am sad to read that as your friend is facing this life
altering disease that you are focusing on a shallow physical
thing. Perhaps people are not tip toeing around, but do not
share your concerns. It would be a different thing if she came
to you asking for help to lose weight. I also think that you
should educate yourself about the medications that your friend
may be taking and their side effects. As a person who has no
choice but to take meds that causes me to gain weight, I would
never talk to my friends again if they focused on my weight
instead of what it meant to suffer from the illness that I have
no control over. Lastly, please look at how brainwashed you are
by society that you have negative feelings about being over
weight. Again, please take the time to ask your friend what her
true feelings are, and give her support in what she really needs.
sad
I empathize with your problem as I have had a friend for almost
40 years who gradually became more and more obese as the years
went by. I made a decision not to discuss her weight unless she
brought it up. I think when people are overweight they are
acutely aware of it and may or may not want to have it be a part
of a relationship. I realized that there was nothing I could do
about it, that it was an issue that only she had any control
over. I have expressed concern about her health from time to
time as I would with any friend, but just let her share the
issues that she wanted to and have been supportive with the
problems she has faced. She now has diabetes and other weight
related problems, but here again, she is responsible for own
health and I see my role as friend to just love her for who she
is, regardless of what problems arise. I appreciate that it is a
tough call because you care for your friend and want her to be
well and healthy. I will also be interested in hearing from
others about how they feel about this issue.
Good luck with this situation
I am quite overweight. I think most people who are overweight
know that they are overweight. I think that they know that they
should lose some weight for their health. I don't think that
unless I brought up the topic with someone I would like it at all
to have someone bring it up with me. In fact, I think I would be
pretty offended.
I would not assume that your friend's weight necessarily had
anything to do with her social life. I am married, had a fairly
active social life before marriage and I have always been fat.
anon
I am following up on the person who is concerned about her obese
friend. After reading what others wrote to you, I had to speak
up. I don't really consider myself as having been obese, but I
was 40 pounds overweight. People didn't say anything to me, and
honestly, I am not sure if I would've done anything about my
weight if they had. But, I did seriously think it was strange
that no one, most of all my best friend or my boyfriend, said
anything. It made me feel like they were tip-toeing around the
topic. I wanted to do something about it, and of course, the
desire had to come from me; but all the same, I think if a close
friend or relative said something, it would've made me feel like
it was OK to discuss it or face it. Ultimately, I lost the
weight and when I started losing it, that's when people started
commenting on how great I looked. I'm not sure if that's any
better - while I felt good about it, I also felt like
''boy, i must've looked bad before and no one even told me or
tried to help!''. So, I'm coming from another perspective. I
think if you are sensitive to her feelings and are bringing up
the subject to give her emotional support and whatever other
kind of support you can give her (maybe she can tell you what
kinds of foods she'd rather not see in your house or when you go
out to eat, etc. or maybe she or you can suggest taking walks),
then I think it's a good thing. After all, what are friends and
family for? If they're not going to tell you, then who would?
And, I have to disagree with some of the other posts. I think
obesity, just as being underweight, is dangerous. You can
be ''fat-friendly'' and understand that obesity is not a healthy
thing. It's not a brainwash thing. I feel much better
physically after having lost the weight! And yes, feeling
better physically will make you feel better mentally, too. If,
in the end, you talk to her and she tells you she's perfectly
happy where she's at, then that's fine too. But, I don't see
your wanting to confront her is offensive at all. Good luck
anonymous
I can not offer advice on your friend's weight problem, but I
highly encourage you to help her deal with her MS. I was
diagnosed with MS 7 years ago, and thought my life was over.
Without terrific support from family and friends, I would not be
where I am today. This support allowed me to get on with my
life and live my life to the fullest despite this nasty
disease. I encourage you to make sure she is getting both the
medical and mental support she needs to deal with this disease.
There are options available today and having good medical
support is vital to make sure this disease does not progress
(check out the MS center at UCSF www.mscenter.ucsf.edu) Being
physically active is also important. Just walking everyday has
helped keep me strong and deal with the physical symptoms of
MS. Perhaps dealing with MS will help your friend deal with her
weight problem. She is lucky to have you as a friend!
Good luck!
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