Naked mom and 2 curious little boys

I have 2 boys, ages 2 and 5. We live in a house with 1 bedroom upstairs that we all share. I am very comfortable being naked and don't like to wear a robe to and from my bedroom when I am getting dressed in a hurry. I also love to take baths and hot tubs with my sons and don't want to make a big deal about my body. My older son has started to be fascinated by my ''beautiful nipples, cute butt and bagina''...his words, trust me that is not what I would say! I have told him that those are my private parts and it is uncomfortable for me when he to talks like that. I don't really care but I can tell that my husband does. He has said that it's probably time to put on the robe around them. I also want to do what is emotionally healthy for my boys but am feeling resentful that I have to make this accommodation. Any advise? I haven't read about this subject and would appreciate to hear what others know from experience from what the experts say is best. Wishing for a master bathroom.

Your oldest will be in school soon if he's not already and you don't want him to have problems. Even if he got through school, these issues could surface in the workplace and limit his ability to contribute to his chosen field.

What's cute at five is deviant in just a few years. If you don't call a halt to it you are setting your kids up for trouble. h

They were more intersted in how i was able to pee without a penis, not on what it looked like... jammie wearing mom

I have asked him-and I reinforce this often-the following: Breasts: those are my private areas, I don't like to be touched there. You need to ask me if you can touch me before you do it. Sometimes I might say yes, but I will say no too. Vagina: he hasn't shown any ''clinical'' interest in actually seeing it but he does point to it or kneels down and wants to see how I urinate. My answer is the same as above in the case of pointing or touching.

However I don't discourage pure intellectual curiosity. This is perfectly normal at 2,3,4 and 5 it just manifests itself in different way at each stage because their brains comprehend more at each stage. We started introducing the subject of private areas around 3 and reinforce it at each stage. Children are also referring back to heir bodies as point of reference and anything different they need to understand. I would suggest that you correct his pronunciation and highlight correctness.

Often times when my son was 2 and 3 he would say'' where is your penis mommy?'' my answer was always the same: ''Mommies don't have a penises they have vaginas-that's what makes mommy-mommy-and daddy-daddy.

At four he is interested in the mechanics of my breasts and in showing me he knows his terms. I don't let him touch them often -even the nipples- but sometimes, and if he's followed the rules-ie: asked permission to touch first. I find that he's just interested in understanding how does milk come out from there-I have explained that they are for milk to feed babies when they are really small.

If given a choice he will always choose dad first to take a shower with before he chooses me. It's a recognition of his body in the body of my husband. We take baths instead because I am more playful in the tub, and that really is great way of redirecting attention after truthful but factual explanations. Lastly, we feel that it is important that children grow up with a ''real'' image of what women and men look like. Most women and men don't look like ''Barbies'' and ''Ken''... being truthful and real to us is more important than upholding some puritanical misbegotten idea. Naked, Open, and Happy

Isn't this a little like saying no when you mean yes? If it doesn't make you uncomfortable and you say it does, don't you think you son knows that your words are not the truth? If this is what is going on you are playing with fire. For starters he will feel justified to not listen to you whenever he feels like it and my guess is that he will continue to sexualize you because your false professed discomfort is asking for more.

I would suggest that you begin by really being honest with yourself and seeing what is true. How does it make you feel when your son looks at you and talks about how hot you are? Ultimately I don't think it makes any difference whether you put a robe on or not. But you have already established a precedent of not really being straight with your kids. anon

We can still have boundaries without believing that bodies are gross / curiosity is abnormal. We're so uptight in this country about nudity, when in other countries, people are nude on the beaches, and Asians have deep soaking baths for their nightly family soaks. Parents' bodies are only ''disgusting'' if a family has weirdness and shame about nudity, which kids pick up on. A couple people said your son is sexualizing you - that is their interpretation. I think he is in awe of your feminine beauty - parts he doesn't have. How is this wrong or sexual? It's just pretty body parts and curiosity. The line comes at touching (IMO).

I disagree that genitals cease to be private when they are shown. Genitals always belong to their owner, and it is always your choice whether someone is allowed to touch. That makes them private.

I generally like to downplay things. I casually say and act like we all have bodies, no big deal (and some of us bleed, and that's no big deal either). If a child tries to touch, I tell them that part is just for me and I need a little space. I also remind children that we only touch our own privates, not others'. Obviously this isn't true in the grand scheme, but it's an age-appropriate explanation teaching an important social boundary. When I get compliments, I act neutral/disinterested.

I really liked the ''Naked, Open and Happy'' response, but she points to being accurate, so I will say: calling external female genitalia ''vagina'' is commonly used, but inaccurate. The vagina only exists internally. The vulva is the external, comprised of the labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, and vestibule of the vagina. If you want to keep it simple, calling it vulva is best and factual. I think nudity is fine until puberty

My parents were very open about their bodies, and I (a girl) showered with my father. I have boys and they, too, are very interested in my body and whenever they see my breasts or I'm in a bra, they want to give me hugs. I tell them to wait until I'm dressed to hug them. I think it will be very clear to you when it is no longer appropriate. I don't think that curiosity is a sign of discomfort. I think your children will eventually feel uncomfortable seeing you naked and they'll probably let you know. Trust your own feelings.

Btw, my husband used to be really uncomfortable with me being naked in front of the boys, but now he is not - it was his issue, not mine. a

I think if you are comfortable being nude in front of your boys, by all means continue to do so. They will grow out their natural curiosity and will learn to be comfortable with women's bodies. Which is good thing.

I don't think it's particularily healthy for your sons either - as they grow up it may become confusing. Or if other boys somehow found out, they could become the ''butt'' of jokes.

If our society was structured differently, perhaps it could work. But given our current set up, I think you may be setting yourself up for unnessary problems in the future. Anon

Dad, semi- naked around the house

I am concerned that my 5 year old daughter often see her dad with out a shirt on. My husband doesn't wear PJ tops to bed (and sometimes bottoms)and on some occasions they take a shower together.Can she misinterpret this? Does he blur the boundary between father and daughter? Or, how much is too much, for kids to see their parents naked as a part of the day, getting dressed, taking showers, etc? When do we need to be more sensitive and careful? SD

I see absolutely no problem with this. Why make our bodies an issue?

There is a line of course - I don't allow them to touch me in any sensitive areas, nor do I touch them except to help them wash. And we are clear with them that it's completely fine if they want privacy, it's not ok for them to be naked in public, and it's certainly not ok for anyone to touch them if they don't want to be touched.

The result is that they are completely fine with being naked and seeing us naked, and there's never even a thought of any inappropriateness. anon

Perhaps you get a weird feeling about your husband? If that's it, you should follow that further. But if it's just your own issues with nudity and sexuality, then let me assure you, her seeing your husband naked is just fine. I'd start worrying when she gets uncomfortable-probably about 10-11. mom of 5 yr old

Nudity does not equal sex. Male does not equal predatory (there is more of a stigma attached to male nudity around children than female nudity). opposite sex parent child bathing or showering together does not equal incest!

you are worried about ''blurring boundaries''; there are many different ways of setting, blurring, violating boundaries. Parents who have a deep inner respect for themselves and others and understand the adult responsibility to nurture children without exploiting them do not run the risk of accidentally blurring a boundary between a healthy parent/child relationship and incestuous-type interactions.

If parents and child are comfortable with what is happening in terms of dad and/or mom and/or child walking around the house not fully dressed at times, then it's fine. If dad or mom starts to feel uncomfortable, or if the child starts to express a wish for greater privacy, etc, then things can be adjusted. neither prude nor pervert

Opposite sex parent bathing with toddler

a friend's husband bathes with their three year old girl. This seems highly innapropriate bordering on worthy of making a comment to the couple that they should stop. They are very ''straight'', for lack of a better term, which makes it all the more odd. What is the conventional wisdom on this topic? liz

What is up with the mother that she allows or encourages that? Some people are so afraid of not being PC or so into wanting to believe that everyone has only the best intentions when it come to children that they will allow their children to be put potentially unhealthy situations. We want to pretend that molestation doesn't happen or ''not in my family'' so much that we would turn our head to something like this and convince ourselves that it's okay and '' He's just being loving with his daughter and men should be allowed to care for young children just like women'' etc. Well that's all fine and good but the fact is pedophiles are more likely to be male than female, and some fathers do molest their daughters. Some men behave inappropriately with their daughters ''out of love'' ( from giving massages, to sleeping with their daughters alone or kissing them on the lips a few seconds too long etc)just because they don't know any better But many do know better and they get away with it because no one has the courage to speak up. So ,Yes,please do mention it(I'd speak to the mother) and don't worry about how to broach the topic, just be honest and straight forward. Not afraid to speak up

My two older children are now reaching adolescence and they naturally have become shy about their own naked bodies while still being totally comfortable seeing me and my husband naked (while we change clothes, come in and out of the shower, take a bath with their little (8 yr old) brother, etc.).

Everybody's family is different. I hope that you can find a way to honor this particular difference without judgment. naked in Berkeley

Perhaps you were uncomfortable with the physical proximity? Again, I think it's natural and would be fine to bath with my sons. Maybe you're concerned because it's a Dad and daughter (rather than a Mom and son)? If so, that seems vaguely hypocritical.

I applaud the family for their openness and comfort with their bodies and I hope you are able to see through your own issues to what is, in my mind, completely natural. anon

Every family has their own standards of nudity and privacy regarding going to the toilet, taking a shower or bath, or sleeping in a family bed etc. I think we need to be respectful of our differences. Family bathing together can be playful and delightful. The fact that a parent is nude with his/her 3 year old child of the opposite sex doesn't, ipso facto, mean that something nefarious or illigitimate or predatory is going on. Especially since this is a 3 year old toddler, not a teenager!

Some families are extremely careful to avoid seeing one another nude. Other families find nudity very natural and normal. I don't think one is right and one is wrong.

I was raised in a family that had no problem with nudity; the whole family would get into the tub together. We did not do this with our own kids because my husband is from a different culture and is not as comfortable with this. Fine! There are a thousand ways to parent well. Please be careful not to impose your particular morals, preferences or customs on other families.

If you see signs of child abuse, by all means, be an advocate for the child and get 'involved'. Merely bathing together is by no means in the realm of child abuse, in my non-professional opinion. Anon

My husband takes bathes with our kids and they love it since he's much more liberal with the splashing than I am. And I consider myself super-lucky to have such an active, involved husband! Bathing beauties!

On a related note, when our daughter was probably 5 or 6, my husband came home one day very upset because a complete stranger (female) had scolded him for touching his daughter in appropriately! For him and our child it had all been totally innocent tickling or poking or whatever it was. I think this woman's comment was clearly a reflection of her own issues. comfortable in my own skin

Looking forward to hearing others' thoughts on this. anon

If there was inappropriate touching, that is where it becomes wrong. If you saw the child act afraid of her dad, traumatized, or behaving sexually inappropriate with other children (beyond childish curiosity - something that she would never understand otherwise) then perhaps your involvement would be warranted. But bathing with your kid is not inappropriate in and of itself. Saying something to these parents will just make you look a) Nosey b) Prudish.

When I was a kid my parents took me to Harbin Hot Springs, and not only was I not traumatized, I think I have a healthy view of naked bodies, both mine and others.

You won't catch me on that show How to Look Good Naked! Naked is not evil

I think it all depends on the particular family and what people are comfortable with. We have always bathed with our kids and it just seems normal. Jenny

You sound genuinely concerned about children, which is admirable and good; I really hope you find a more productive way to channel this concern. I suggest the National Association to Protect Children or any similar advocacy group that does work to protect children who are really in danger of being exploited (from your post, it doesn't sound like the child you discuss is at risk, but many children are). Cheers

A father bathing with his daughter is nowhere near inappropriate! It is a normal cultural practice held all over the world. Privacy the way that we have it here in the west is very original to the ''western developed'' world, not so in areas where people live in small homes, with one communal space. Does that mean that these dad's are molesting their daughters? Most likely not. I was disgusted by someones response assuming that there is anything sexual about this, it actually made me ill. Americans are so caught up in their cultural mores that they often times forget that people have the right to live differently than they do. Get over it, leave this perfectly normal family alone and mind your own, I am sure you can focus your time on something better. I would recommend even an introductory course in Cultural Anthropology, it might be quite eye opening Gabriela

When is it no longer appropriate to shower with son?

Hello, my son is now 39 months. He LOVES water and sometimes I have him take a shower with me. At what age will this no longer be appropriate? Many thanks bobbie

While my own parents were deeply narcissistic and so screwed up in so many ways in my childhood, at the least they got this whole issue right. I never recall seeing my father in the nude, and I bathed with my mom until we couldn't squeeze in the tub. As a mom, I wouldn't dream of letting my son in the room with me undressed, and I still take the occaisonal tub with my tween-age daughter. I hope I'm conveying a message to my daughter of ease with her body, and a message of separatedness and personal boundaries with my son. I think they are relieved and appreciate of my clarity around this issue, and my husband is in full agreement and behaves accordingly. It's a good thing you're looking at this issue now before your son gets any older

As for boundaries, kids develop them when you set a respectful example. We have a 43 month old who still bathes with her dad and showers with him at the pool. We also have 2 teenage girls, both who bathed with their dad until THEY decided they no longer wanted to. One became modest very early – 4, if I recall. The other probably closer to 6 (she would bathe at home alone but was afraid to be in the locker room at the pool by herself. When her sister wasn’t there, she showered with Dad). We modeled boundaries by respecting both of their decisions to close the door and be alone. If my little one asks her dad for privacy, she gets it. If he is in the bathroom and asks for privacy, he gets it. Those are boundaries.

Maybe I was just raised to have a healthier concept of the human body. There’s nothing shameful in it. No one in our house is freaking out if my daughter sees her dad naked because it doesn’t register with her. Why create a weird dynamic around the human body? We do explain that body parts are private and that’s why she can’t lift my skirt up or pull my shirt down in public. She understands that’s why we wear clothes – because bodies are private. But while we’re still wiping her bottom and giving her baths, her body is not that private to us. When she is ready to be private with her dad, she will be. It happens quickly and usually overnight. So, have a healthy, respectful attitude and stop worrying about damaging your child permanently. That’s just nonsense. And the rest of you – perhaps some therapy? Bare and Balanced

So it's really about your own comfort level and the comfort level of your kids (which, mostly comes from you). It's unlikely you can cause any psychological harm unless you ignore their wishes when they tell you they wants to stop Scandi (Not Nudist!)

What's your perspective on parents showering with kids?

Hi - My husband and I are talking about the concept of showering with our toddler (girl - 1.5 YO). I'd like to hear perspectives on showering with kids in general and with the other sex parent in particular. Thanks for the insights

I also remember when I was really young, not showering with my dad but seeing him naked, and it was natural and no big thing. I think seeing your opposite parent naked is a good way to encourage a healthy attitude toward bodies in general and particularly toward sexuality. anon

Starting to feel uncomfortable about nudity & 6-year-old

My husband and I have been pretty loose about nudity in the house (both our own and that of our children) since the kids were born. Now that my older daughter is almost six, though, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with my husband walking around naked in front of her--in part because his groin, and all its apparatus, are right at eye level for her. We are fairly progressive parents, but suddenly I'm beginning to squirm. Any thoughts?

It has not been an explicit or conscious policy, but I hope it gives children the healthy message that their is nothing mysterious about body parts, their parents aren't embarassed about their bodies, and they shouldn't be embarassed about theirs. I don't think there is any age threshold when you should stop sending that message. And perhaps it is more, not less, important for children to get that message as they get older. I believe that a better understanding of the human body, and more comfort with their own body, helps young people develop a healthy sexuality.

Still, I do think we each have our own comfort level. For example, my 3rd-grader is ridiculously modest, e.g., usually wears a belt with his pajamas (perhaps his maternal grandfather's modesty skipped a generation). At the same time, I am surprised that my middle school daughter is not more modest about her changing body, especially with a teasing younger brother in the house. It took me a little while to realize that the problem was me -- if she doesn't feel embarassed about her changing body, why should I?

The only conscious decision we made is to use correct names for body parts, e.g., vulva (not vagina, unless that really is the part you are discussing). Depending on your own upbringing, this can be very hard to do! Children are curious, and if you can talk matter of factly about body parts, they ask about it all. The only drawback that I can see to the open discussion of body parts is that all of our children, when very small, have occasionally said things that made other adults wilt. But this seems pretty minor -- if grandma and the Safeway cashier fall off their chairs because they distinctly heard a tiny girl say ''clitoris,'' who has the problem? Not the child. On the other hand, my elementary-school children have come home and laughed about the great confusion that exists among their peers when it comes to boys' and girls' bodies.

I look forward to what I anticipate will be a great many posts, some of which will undoubtedly make me feel like a prude! Don't Worry, Be Naked

We feel our policy has paid off. All of us are comfortable with are bodies, and our kids can talk about their bodies very matter- of-factly. Such a contrast with my own childhood. Despite frequent camping trips, shared motel rooms, and the constant use of beaches with no bath houses, I have never seen my own father naked. My first glimpses of adult male genitalia came from flashers and during an attempted sexual assault. My shock and perplexity at their appearance left me that much less able to think clearly about what to do about the threatening situations I found myself in. I was also completely unable to tell my mother about some health problems I had, and that I was beginning puberty, because I was just too embarrassed. Not rushing to cover up nudity sends the message that there's nothing abnormal or bad about human bodies, something my husband's family always knew, and reinforced by their casual attitude to nudity. Anonymous, but not under cover!

My parents were naked around me all the time. And you know what? It wasn't an issue for me AT ALL! Why? Because it wasn't an issue for my parents. I promise you, if you don't make a big deal about it, it won't be a big deal for her, and there is a very important added benefit: your daughter will grow up much more comfortable with her body, because her parents modeled that THEY were comfortable with their bodies.

So, your husbands penis is at your daughters eyel level. So? I would encourage you to really follow where your thoughts are going and what your fears are. Are you afraid your daughter will develop sexual feelings for her father? If she does, it makes no difference if he's naked or not. Childrens first sexual feelings are *usually* for their parents. They are unconscious and, as the child grows and develops, will move on to more appropriate ''targets'' (so-to-speak), especially if parents don't make a big deal about it and realize that this is perfectly normal and has NOTHING to do with whether or not they walked around naked. Being nude does not (neccessarily) = being sexual, as I'm sure you are perfectly aware.

Will your daughter be curious about daddy's penis? Perhaps, perhaps not. I never was, as a child, particularly curious. I was so used to seeing my parents naked that it just wasn't all that facinating. And, getting back to the added benefit: I grew up with a MUCH better body image and am much more comfortable in my body than just about ANY of my other women friends. I definitely think my parents attitude about their bodies (and respect for mine) played a big role in this.

So, my opinion is, if you can be comfortable, your daughter will be too and it will probably not really be an issue - and could ultimately teach her healthy ways of thinking about her body. happy daughter of nude parents