Advice about the Neighbors' Kids
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Advice about the Neighbors' Kids
We have neighbor that is under financial and personal
strain. Her husband is not around (we don't know the
details; it's possible he has to work out of the area), she
is pregnant and she has a 4 year old daughter that seems
very needy and apparently has health issues (small for her
age; sunken, dark eyes; very bad skin) She seems to spend
most of her time at the upstairs window looking out in a
very Gothic way.
She has a fair amount of energy and I don't think this
crosses into CPS territory.
We share a back area in our condo complex that our three
year old daughter likes to play in. Whenever we go out with
our daughter to play, the neighbor opens her back door and
basically chucks her daughter out without a word. She then
stays about 3 feet inside with her phone to her ear watching
She's kind of formally friendly-ish, but she's never invited
our daughter over for birthday parties (the reverse is not
true). We feel very exploited by the fact that we are
continually, passively pressed into taking care of her
daughter. When we indicate she should get involved, she
steps outside and stands closer, but still doesn't really DO
anything. She seems embarrassed and mortified by her
daughter's completely normal (non-hostile, non-aggressive) 4
year old behavior.
I hate to say it, but she strikes us as someone that would
view a lawsuit as a an easy way out of her current
situation. This adds a layer of nervousness to the whole
Her daughter and ours are close friends and we really loathe
the idea of telling our daughter to stay away from her and
because of the close proximity of the shared space, it would
require doing it over and over again.
FYI: This dynamic predates her pregnancy.
How should we handle this?
I really don't understand why you feel exploited. If the
girls play together, they both get a friend. It is no extra
work for you and her mother is near should anything come up.
It looks to me like both girls are getting something out of
the friendship. Maybe your daughter doesn't really ''need''
this neighbor as a friend, but I am guessing that it is
really very special for the neighbor girl. I understand that
you are uncomfortable with the situation. But I think
talking about exploitation and lawsuits is a bit extreme. If
you could find some compassion in your heart for this little
girl, you could probably make her world a whole lot happier.
Welcome her with a bright smile! Provide a healthy snack!
Maybe even invite her to a sleepover. Clearly there is a
whole lot of stress in her home and she could use a bit of
playtime with a friend. Give yourself a pat on the back for
being generous and think positive!
Tricky situation--I know I would get annoyed by this
unbalance as well. I don't think you can do anything to
change the mother's behavior though. Are there things you
can do to shift your own focus/thoughts about the situation?
For example, consider whether you are really doing so much
more ''parenting work'' when the other girl is around. It
sounds like you would be out there with your daughter
anyway, right, so does it substantially add to your
''parenting work'' burden that the other girl is also there?
Maybe not, maybe so. I would also try to focus on the good
things this friendship gives your daughter, and also maybe
the good things your interaction might be doing for this
girl, who seems to not have many advantages and who doesn't
have any control/fault in this situation. Finally, on the
days when you think you don't have the patience or would
find the situation too aggravating, take your daughter on a
bike ride or to another park or on some other outing, to
avoid the whole situation.
I have to admit I'm not entirely sure what you are
complaining about. It sounds like your daughter enjoys
playing with the little girl. It also sounds like this
little girl is not ill-behaved, although it's unfortunate
that she may not be totally healthy. If your children get
along why not let them play and be happy she has someone
close by to hang out with. If the little girl was a
problem I would understand discouraging it but I think its
easier to watch two kids playing than one in many ways.
If you feel uncomfortable having your neighborâ€™s daughter
join you in the common area of your condo, then play with
your daughter inside or at the park. Or donâ€™t stay out in
the common area a long time. When I was a kid if my mom
saw kids playing in the street she would send me out to go
play with them. She didnâ€™t introduce me to them or
supervise me while I played. Your neighbor may be old-
school in that way (is she from another country?) I donâ€™t
see your neighbor as exploiting you for childcare since she
is not bringing the child to your home or even requiring
you to stay and supervise; she is just sending her child
out to play. There is no explicit or implicit obligation
that you have to entertain her child. Just let the kids
play if they are friends and they enjoy it. You were also
concerned that she does not invite you to birthday
parties. Are you sure she throws birthday parties? Didnâ€™t
you say she is under financial strain? Please donâ€™t
pathologize your neighbor based on her financial status or
social skills. Everything you said about her you have
characterized in a negative light, which may just be your
perspective. Could it be you are projecting your
negativity on to her? Just keep the interactions in the
common area short, but friendly and polite, if they bother
daughter of old-school mom
I was just noticing a kind of inflammatory tone to your
post. The words ''exploit'' ''CPS'' (why even mention that?)
''lawsuit'' ''loathe'' ''gothic'' ''chucks'' her daughter out. I
mean, maybe she's having a hard time and is depressed. Maybe
she needs a friend. Have you ever asked HER over for tea or
to take a walk together or something? Asked her how she is?
Or what about proactively asking HER if she'd watch the two
girls in the yard for half an hour while you go pick up some
milk or take a bath or whatever?
I think you should make some effort to let her know you're
open to friendship, if you are. And certainly don't tell
your daughter not to play with hers. That would cause more
problems, especially since you don't find any problem with
the little girl. Maybe lighten up and take the lead?
Hmm. Tricky situation.
1 - Not sure it will help, but maybe try to become better
friends with teh mom? Invite her to dinner, out for a walk,
2 - If you really are worried about a lawsuit, get a big
umbrella insurance policy. Very clear price for protection.
3 - If you want it, ask to do clear exchange. She might not
be feeling well if she's pregnant, but you could ask... can
you watch the kids for x time and I'll watch next time.
I was surprised by the number of people who responded that they couldn't
understand why the situation bothered you. I get it. I find watching other
people's kids tiring, mediating all the different interactions, just having the
energy to be interested in another person's kid- that's not easy. To add to
it, the other mom is there, watching, possibly ready to disapprove but not
willing to help. She's not treating you as a friend, fellow parent or even a
neighbor- just as free childcare. I've occasionally encountered such
situations at playgrounds (parent watching but far away from kid,
piggybacking on adult supervising own child until supervising adult tells kid
not to hit, not to take toy, then uninvolved parent arrives to express
dissatisfaction). Even for short periods of time it is annoying. In your case, I
would say to the other mom one day- I have to go inside and do x-
would you mind watching the girls? If she agrees, great, if not, I think I
would find a way to play more often at parks than in my yard, still seeing
the other child occasionally, but letting my own child know the limits.
I didn't see your original post, but have to respond to the responses:
People get paid for childcare because it is work. If done well, it takes more
time and energy than any other work that I have experienced.
The responses telling you to enjoy your opportunity to be more generous are
not from people who have had a neighbor exploiting them for childcare. I
have, and it is an impossible situation. The kids are usually sent over without
permission at every time the parents think that they can get away with it.
Interrupting any meal, project, bonding with family, homework, a game, etc.
Even the best of friends have conflict that takes a lot of time to deal with. I
would leave the house just to avoid it, but as soon as they knew we were
home they would send their kids over to our house as soon as they could.
When we finally moved away, my kid was not unhappy about it at all, and
seemed to be relieved. If it doesn't feel right to you, it probably doesn't feel
right to your kid either.
Maybe make a one night play date night, e.g. ''Tuesday Night is Play Night,''
and the other nights your kids ''have to do chores,'' etc.
Good luck, you have all of my compassion. These posters sound just like our
old neighbors, like they were doing us a favor by having us raise their
from an undisclosed location
I recently moved with my two young kids into a family-
friendly East Bay neighborhod. At first, I was thrilled
that my five-year-old son would have several kids in the
neighborhood to play with.
And I still am, except that a particular boy a few houses
down is now constantly at my door, ringing the bell and
asking if my son can play. He's reliably on the doorstep
each Saturday and Sunday morning, probably 5+ times a day,
and soon after we get home from work/daycare most
evenings. He's a nice enough kid, a few years older than
my son, and his parents seem fine with him just hanging
around outside until one of his playmates (and, ahem, a
supervising parent) is available to provide him with
something to do.
It's gotten to where I'm annoyed at the sight of this kid
and can't quite believe his parents -- who are very nice
people -- are fine with him constantly bugging a single(!)
mother of two little kids. Needless to say, I have my
hands full over here, and my son is too young to just send
out the front door to roam the neighbhorhood
unsupervised. I've thought of putting a ''do not disturb''
sign on my door, but I actually don't mind being disturbed
by an adult neighbhor, or even other local kids who come
I've already hinted at the problem to his parents, and
things have gotten a bit better, but I don't really want
to make a big deal about it with them. They're a nice
family and I'm fine with my son playing with theirs; it's
really just ''too much of a good thing.''
I'm really curious: Is this a normal/acceptable way of
parenting a 7-year-old boy? (I can't imagine allowing my
son to do the same thing in 2 years, and would be
all ''stop bugging so-and-so'' if I had any idea he were
doing it.) Two, any tactful but effective ways of
handling the problem?
Tired of doorbell
You don't mention how often you actually let the child in to
play with your kids, but I get the idea that he is at your
house a lot, because him just ringing the doorbell and being
sent back home (or out) wouldn't give you this much grief. I
have some neighbor kids, nice enough, good playmates for my
kids, who sometimes overdo it in the frequency department.
Just say no. Not a good time now. It doesn't matter if you
have an excuse or not. If the kid were just to ring the
doorbell and you say no almost every time, he'll get the
message even if he's only 7. Make it the exception rather
than the rule that he can play in your house. Say ''I'm very
busy now'' if you really need to say something, no further
details required. I can see from my kids face that they
actually sometimes get tired of seeing the same kid show up
again. But even if your own kid lights up at the sight of
this boy, just set your own boundaries. Send him back out,
even if he looks really sad. He's gotta find his own way to
not be bored. And btw, yes I let my 5 and 8 year old
unsupervised in the immediate area of ours and surrounding
houses (as long as I can hear/see them), it depends on how
safe the neighborhood feels, and if the kids are able to
follow your rules (and not roam further than agreed on). Our
rule is also that they play outside and not at the
neighbor's homes, unless all parents agree it's okay. I
often tell my kids how busy that single mom next door must
be (baby besides the 8 year old) and not to bother her.
Maybe have another talk with the parents and set time
boundaries (i.e. not in the mornings because you may still
be asleep, not after 5:30pm because you'll be busy with
dinner) and to have them talk to their son about these
rules. You can tell him too directly, he's about to learn to
tell time and can take these directions from an adult.
I had the same situation--only my ''pesky'' kid was an actual
toddler, and so, required our attention and care to both her
needs and our daughter's frustration level! It completely
boggled my mind that the parents were okay with this, which
to us amounted to free and unpredictable babysitting. The
parents are from a different culture, which we thought may
have played a part, and def. have an ''it takes a village''
sort of attitude about parenting, which we have in theory,
but in practice--as two stressed, full-time working parents
barely keeping all the balls in the air--it was a stretch.
That was about a year ago. In the months between then and
now, our child has come to adore this little girl and
considers her family. We have a free babysitter whenever we
want one (at night, but even more importantly, when I need
to clean the house or finish cooking dinner!) and the only
arrangement I need to make is to walk the kids next door and
shout in ''they're over here now, OK?'' Our child considers
their house an extension of hers. Our neighbors have our
house key and house-sit for us, help us with gardening and
pick up our mail when we're away, and are my daughter's
emergency contact for school.
My husband and I grew up in a rural community with all our
relatives within walking distance. This is the closest we
can imagine coming to that experiences in our urban setting.
So glad we got over ourselves to accept all the gifts our
neighbors had to offer to our family--it has changed
everything for us.
I've got a pesky neighbor kid too, can we get the two of them
together to give us some breathing room? My pesky kid is 6,
and moved in 2 years ago. At age 4 the mom said, ''she's old
enough to take care of herself and should be outside playing.''
which resulted in her at my house ALL THE TIME. I taught her
to ring or knock only once, not 4-6 times and if we didn't
answer we were unavailable. She got that after 2 reminders.
and at least that piece is better. Set some boundaries with
the kid adn stick to them. Tell him no coming over until at
lest 15 minutes after you get home. No coming over after 5PM.
etc. he'll learn to tell time!
got a pesky too
I HAD to reply to this email b/c we have a VERY similar situation going on
right now in our home. I have 4 children, and some neighbors have an only
child who is ALWAYS over at our house if we are home. He's a nice kid, but
just bored I think and frequently wanting to play with our kids. We have a
house and they live in an apartment, so our yard is the natural place where
the children want to play- but that also means I am the supervising adult
THE TIME. Based on our interactions with the family (which have been
minimal, because they never check in with us before or during their child's
extended stays at our house) we think the child's father may be an
so we are not comfortable having any of our children over at their house
when they ask to go play over there. Anyway- NO I don't think this is
behavior of parents or children, especially for a kid as young as you
Some things that have been helpful for us: we have established certain hours
when it is not OK to knock on our door (and we kindly told his parents this
a friendly way), and we have gotten comfortable with simply stating to the
child that it is time for him to go home when we need him to leave. I think
these kids have parents with no boundaries, so as the supervising adult, I
establishing some boundaries for them. I am also pretty strict when he is
over at our house (no screen time, no unkind words, etc.). I'll be
read what others write...
REALLY Tired of this really nice kid
New neighbors moved in next to us, nice single family home, owner
occupied neighborhood. Wonderful! they have a 4 year old child,
we have a 3.75 yo... They've been here 3 months or so now.
There are multiple issues which make me feel like a prisoner in
my home. one, the child has few social skills and invites
herself over constantly. hearing no often results in a screaming
fit or pouting. rarely does a parent accompany her. I find
myself at a loss - should I return the child home or do I have no
responsibility for her safety since she comes/goes by herself?
two, my husband saw one parent hit the child. prior to that the
child cringed when I needed to physically restrain her after
asking her to stop destructive behavior so I already suspected
physical abuse. how much do I MYOB? three, relatedly, my child
wants to play with her ''new friend'' and doesn't observe the
negative issues we do. How do I communicate to my child the
desire to limit interaction without the ever talkative preschool
newswire sharing information? I've adjusted our schedule to be
more unavailable but it is limiting and annoying to feel I need
to hide from a 4 yo child. The child surely needs positive
interaction but I don't want my child(ren) to be her training
ground. Obviously the child's behavior is resultant from the
parents' behavior (it appears they barely talk/listen to her, she
is starved for attention), so I don't think talking to them will
be the solution but I'm open to hearing suggestions. I did point
to a local inexpensive preschool but I don't think they explored it.
wanting peace again
YOU sound EXACTLY like my next door neighbors. My son is 4.
Their kids are 5 and 3. If it were up to the kids, they would be
playing together 24/7. I have to make up 1000 excuses not to
allow my son to go next door to bug them. Their kids are always
asking but rarely allowed to come to my home, then their mom
limits the playtime to 10-15 minutes. I cannot stand this. It is
uncomfortable and just wrong. They have no animals and we have 2
large dogs and a kitten. Our house looks like we actually live
there and their house looks like a model home out of a magazine.
Their kids hardly have any toys because that would create
clutter. Our kids have TOO many toys. They have a maid and
nanny, I don't have a maid and I don't need a nanny because I
don't leave my kids. Kids are kids. If your child wants to play
with this other child, why are YOU getting in the middle? Your
child will be raised by your morals and values, so if this child
has issues, it will not affect her. Why not participate in the
playtime? Teach them a game or play house with them? As for the
other mom, why not invite her over for coffee instead of
assuming she is an evil bad parent. She could end up being your
best friend! You never know - she just may be shy or afraid you
won't like her. Invite their whole family out for pizza. Take
the high road and be the better person.
First, it is your responsibility as a PARENT to protect your
child, and it is your responsibility as a PARENT to protect the
peacefulness of your home.
Second, it is your responsibility to YOURSELF is to protect
yourself from frustrations and exhaustion.
Third, as a member of a MORAL COMMUNITY, it IS your job to
send a certified letter to the city in which you live (your
letter must be sent by certified mail) clearly outlining your
fears. Please state your fears as just such, not as ''facts''
except where you have actually seen certain actions.
No one spoke up when I was abused !
the hitting-- and even more so the cringing disturbs me. If I were you
I'd call CPS and
tell them exactly what you said in your post: here are the facts, I'm
not sure how
serious it is, what do you think? --That is what they are here for.
a little concerned
You saw the kid being hit already ? And you didn't call the police ? Why
not ? A four
year-old who cringes at his parents ? This is not MYOB, this is CPS
Here is a child just steps from your door who needs help
Forgive the parents manners for the moment and think about the
child. This is an opportunity for you to ''create a village'' to
help this child and her family if you choose. Do not judge,
just support the child. Her/his family could be going through
some crazy (private) issues - just open your heart and give
what you can.
Please, please, please report the family to child protective services.
If you saw a parent
hit a child, that is enough to go on. The child is asking you for help.
Even if you can't
let her into your home, you can help her by giving her living situation
a wake-up call.
What if they really hurt her? Could you live with yourself if you did
When I was growing up, I had a neighbor like yours. She was 4
and I was 5 when we moved into our respective houses. She was my
friend, and she was at our place constantly. Her hair was never
brushed. The most horrible sounds of fighting came from her
house. Her mother was abusive, an alcoholic, and her father left
and either could not or would not take her and her sister away.
(This was in the 1960s; men were not given custody back then.)
No wonder she came to our house; it was a refuge. My father
hated having her around, and she was scared to death of him; she
would flee when she heard his car in the driveway. My mother
welcomed her always -- brushed her hair in the morning before
school, gave her breakfast, helped her with homework. My mother
is a key reason this girl survived a horrific childhood. She is
about to turn 50, is still my friend, and is a warm and
functional person -- an OB nurse, married to a great guy, mom of
three good kids.
I tell you this because as hard as it is to open your family to
this girl, it may be her salvation. If she is being abused, you
should report the parents to Child Protective Services. If it is
not to that level, consider welcoming her -- making and enforcing
clear rules, of course. It might just save a life.
You posted that you wanted to limit your child's interaction,
but it may be good to invite the whole family over for a get
together to show them how you all interact. There are a couple
reasons for this:
1) Your neighbors' child will have a neutral ground
2) Your neighbors will see how your family interacts and it
just might rub off
3) You'll gain some insight into their family dynamics - which
will be very beneficial to your next steps on what to do.
Sometimes we find ourselves being in a position of bringing
about a greater good...you may be in that position now and I
know that you will take the right action.
When neighborhood kids come to my house, I lay down the ''house''
rules. I make it clear that, if my rules are violated, the
visitor will be asked to leave. (My son also has to follow the
rules, or his friends will be asked to leave.) I once asked a
4 year old to leave my house. He was very unhappy about it,
but that was the consequence to violating my house rules, and I
stuck to it. I allowed the boy to return after that incident
(it took him a while to work up the courage to return to my
house and apologize), and his behavior significantly improved.
Be firm and consistent, and I am certain you will see a
change: either (1) the kid will modify her behavior, or (2)
she will not want to return to your home, since you are
the ''mean'' mom. Either result will give you the relief you are
I really can't comment on the hitting, since I am not certain
to what degree the hitting occurred. There are no laws that
say parents can't hit their kids; so, I suspect that the police
or CPS may not do anything about one instance of spanking or
even others, unless it was extreme. You need to check this out
with CPS, if you can.
the sometimes ''mean'' mom
This is a tough one. The way I see it you have two ways to go.
You can either try to help this poor child out by letting her
come over on occasion and guiding her behavior as best as you
can. She obviously needs a loving and stable parental figure.
If you don't have the time/energy/ etc (no judgement here,,,you
have your own life) for the first suggestion, here is my other
one. Go to the next door neighbor's house. Talk quietly to the
parents and mention that their daughter is at your house too
much and when she is there, she is disruptive. Let them know
that you expect one of the parents to call you first, and find
out if the time is ok for the daughter to come over. Tell them
kindly that if their daughter comes over unannounced, you will
walk her immediately back home.
I feel for you, but really I feel for this family. Perhaps
someone is ill (physically or mentally) or having a crisis.
Compassion with firm limits is all you can do. good luck!
I think your anger is geared toward the wrong person. You are
acting passive/aggressive in that you're taking the child in
but you're being aggressive in that you don't want the child to
interact with your children because of her behavior but at the
same time you're putting up with it by inviting it by not
speaking to the parents. If it bothers you so much, you must
have enough courage to nip it in the bud and go directly to the
parents and be upfront about the situation and the nuisance
it's become to you in a face-to-face discussion and be clear as
to how it makes you feel. You say you are in a prison in your
own home but at the same time you have created the prison by
letting this child come INTO your home. You can always turn
her away and tell her to go home. If you want to get out of
this situation, then you must speak up and make it happen. If
I had a child that was treated by a neighbor like you and was
then told that my child was not welcome in your home, believe
me, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near you. I'm sure the
parents if they're intelligent enough, will get the message. I
feel for the little girl and I also feel for your children.
What a tragedy.
before responding to the ''should i call the authorities'' part of
the question, i was wondering how exactly the parent hit the
The poor child is not getting consistent limits or attention.
You can't fix this alone, but if you're the only adult in the
situation, you need to set limits with the PARENTS. That will
provide a structure and in the long run will probably lower the
girl's anxiety so she is a more pleasant guest.
How? Pay a visit and let the parents know, pleasantly,  that
she can only come over if one of them accompanies her (otherwise
you will bring her home)  that they need to CALL FIRST first
to see if a visit is convenient, and  that if she has a temper
tantrum you will be calling them to come pick her up IMMEDIATELY.
Otherwise, bring the girl back yourself. All you need to say,
pleasantly, is that a visit is ''not convenient'' or that you think
the girl will calm down better at home. If the parents can't
follow through on all that, you will need to entirely discourage
Set up play dates with other children and activities that keep
your daughter occupied (so she doesn't miss her friend so much),
and accept visits from the neighbor child in more limited doses.
I wouldn't go into a lot of explanation with your daughter, she
will probably interpret your concerns as criticism of her beloved
friend and be hurt.
Abused? If you've had to restrain her physically, maybe the
parents have as well. If you start setting limits with the
parents, I think this issue will probably make itself more
obvious, in which case you can anonymously call Social Services.
I don't recommend you accuse them directly, they are probably
very insecure people who love their daughter but who have no idea
how to parent her. A judge could mandate parenting glasses, but
advice from you on that score would probably make them hostile
and defensive, not open.
--since you asked, my 2 cents
Perhaps you could try by showing some compassion? If the child is
neglected and in need of attention.... Secondly, if you honestly
suspect child abuse then you should contact child services and
report the abuse. I also have to question your need to
''physically restrain'' the child? Really? Was the child hurting
you, herself or your child? I think if I was 4 years old and
another adult ''physically restrained'' me I would not react very
well either. I feel very sorry for this child for many reasons...
I'm the mom who posted a few weeks ago about unruly neighbor
kids and how to handle them. Well now one of them has a pellet
gun and he shot it at my 8-year old daughter's legs and arms,
leaving marks. He also shot it at a new 7-year old neighbor
boy. We told him to never shoot at people and he apologized and
said he would only shoot at targets and cans. Well yesterday he
had it out again and started aiming at kids until he saw us and
went inside. Do we have the right to disarm this kid if he
starts shooting at kids again? He is 12 years old and he is
left on his own until as late as 8 in the evening when his Dad
gets home so we can't just tell his Dad. Naturally, if I have
to disarm him I will expect his Dad to take the thing away.
What can we do as neighbors and the only adults who are
Call the police, would be the most obvious solution. I imagine one call should do it.
Call the police and report the assault. Your child could have
lost an eye. The shooter is a sociopath in the making and at
his age should be dealt with by the authorities. This has gone
beyond having a talk with the father. You already gave the kid
a chance and he has proven that he thinks of this violent
intimidation as some sort of game.
Congratulations for showing more restraint than warranted.
You're kidding right??? Do something! Call the police- this
is assault if not attempted murder- yes kids have been killed
with pellet guns! It's a war and time to fight back. I hope
you get the confidence to make some of these decisions on your
own- your children's lives might depend on it.
It's time to call the police. Yes, call them immediately, and
tell them it's ''only'' a pellet gun, so they don't come and shoot
the kid. But you call them, and you file a complaint. You have a
right to do so, and you should do so before any child gets shot
in the eye with a pellet. Did you know that people have been
killed by pellet guns? They have, and it could happen to your
You call the police.
Please find some way to disarm him, because if one of those
pellets were to hit another child's eye, it could permanently
blind the child. Talking to the dad seems to be one choice, in
that it is his responsibility to lock up that gun or get rid of
it, allowing use only under strict supervision.
gun control starts early
Call the cops and see what happens. His father might think
you're overreacting, but let him know that you don't want to
press charges this time, but next time you will. Is this too
much escalation? Maybe, but this kid is almost a teenager: the
next five years are going to suck for you as neighbors, assuming
he doesn't end up in prison first. And I think there is
something to be said for nipping it in the bud -- he's gotta
learn not to mess with you or your family.
It seems like a pretty big reaction to have but I'd call the
police next time. If he's pointing it at people, and has shot and
injured people with it, then the toy needs to be taken away. I'm
not rigidly anti gun, but it sounds like he doesn't know or
doesn't want to adhere to gun safety rules which means, he's not
ready to have a pellet gun. Get the police involved, that's my
reaction. I understand that parents need to work and that this
sometimes means that children are left unsupervised but this is
out of hand.
Why is 8pm too late to tell dad about his son's behavior? It's
never too late to go ring that doorbell and let the parent know
what his child had been up to while he was gone. His dad
absolutely needs to know. And if the behavior does not stop,
once dad has been notified, the dad should be forwarned that
the police will be called the next time a child is hit by the
I say, call the police PERIOD.
It is the adult in the family's legal responsibility to keep a 12
y.o from being a danger. And your obligation is to keep your
Tough but True
Wow, what a punk! I definitely think you should call the cops, this kid is way out of
control. If you live in Oakland though you may be S outta luck. In my experience
unless the kid has a real gun and he's pointing it your face, they won't care too much.
I say that because once I called the cops to tell them some kids were shooting a gun
off in front of my house and they said ''well, none of you other neighbors are
complaning about it.'' Good luck though and you have my sympathy, what a jerk.
I think you should report this situation to Child Protective
Services. This child is being neglected (left alone too many
hours) and endangered (by having access to a pellet gun without
supervision). I think the police should also be notified before
some child loses an eye. If the boy's teacher knows about his
situation, he/she would be legally responsible to report as well.
Yikes, how scary. Call the COPS!! Maybe talk to the Dad first,
but I would let Dad know if you see the gun again while his
Mom/Dad isn't around you will call the cops.
Not into Guns
You need to call the police right now. I'm not a lawyer, however
I believe this is called assault with a deadly weapon(yes people
have been killed with pellet guns). Depending on where you live
it may be a felony to even fire a pellet gun. I'm assuming that
it shoots metal pellets, not so called ''soft ammo''. Dial 911 next
time you see him out with the pellet gun.
call the police. every day if you need to. or a neighborhood
police community liaison if there is such a thing in your
We live in a 6 unit apartment complex in Albany that has sort
of turned into a mini-village. We have some energetic boys who
are about age 11-13 and some girls who are 6-8. They play in
the little backyard together. The problem is that some of the
boys don't have respect for plants or the property. My husband
is often outside supervising my younger daughter while she
plays and winds up being the one who corrects the boys'
actions. We have told their parents about the problem but there
hasn't been much improvement. One boy threw baseballs at the
fence and broke the boards. We made sure that he told his
mother, but she did absolutely no follow-up about making sure
the fence was repaired. Sometimes they tear up plants. Just
today they left a toy that is shared by everyone out in front
and it disappeared. I would like to arrange a meeting with all
of the parents, but I think we need a neutral party to help.
Are their people who come to homes to be mediators in
situations like this? I think the problem is that the space is
just too small for the amount of energy that these boys have.
They have every right to play outside, but they need to be more
careful and respectful.
They sound like normal active kids to me. My son is 11 years old
and we occasionally had all the neighborhood kids at our house
(boys and girls) when we lived on a block with lots of kids and
had a small yard. Things occasionally got broken, stuff was
thrown, toys got left out, and the energy level could be
deafening/overwhelming. Fortunately for us, each of the families
involved were pretty reasonable and took responsibility when
things went wrong.
Instead of calling everyone to a meeting which may feel like
everyone is in trouble (with you as the ''enforcer'') you could try
an initial step of visiting each parent and having a face to face
conversation. If you approach it by saying you want to work with
them so the play space accommodates everyone (even the younger
kids), that may help. You could also offer up cookies or a small
token of goodwill.
A few tips from the mother of a son:
(1) Parents who don't have boys are sometimes not terribly
sympathetic toward ''boy energy''.
(2) If you complain about a child's behavior, parents may
conclude that you are too rigid and uptight and trying to impose
(3) Parents can be quite sensitive
I hope it works out. The overall benefits of having a mini
village of instant playmates will be great for your daughter when
she gets older. Please keep an open mind and try to make it work.
It may be annoying to you but your kids will love you for it.
mom of a rowdy son
Call your landlord!!! I had a similar situation where the
neighbor kids (some lived there and some just visited on the
weekends)and I wrote a letter stating my concerns and asked him
to do something. He then wrote a letter to all the tenants
telling them they must respect the communial yard, toys, etc or
else there would consequences...and for the last three months
Hope this helps.
Okay, so I've come back from picking up my daughter at school
and have been given ''the look'' yet again. My daughter attends an
Oakland public school in the hills. We live in a middle class
Oakland neighborhood. My daughter plays with the neighborhood
kids. Not the come in the house and play or let's arrange a play
date kind of play. But let's build a fort at Katy's house - Hey,
Jack is good at building forts, let's go get him and his sister
The kids, age 6 - 10, cross the street, play at each other's
house, in different yards, ride bikes around the block together
(no crossing streets with the bike). It should be said here that
the 6 year olds don't have the same freedom as the 10 year olds.
There is a group of 9 kids in total from 6 families. Kids are
from several different ethnic backgrounds, religions and family
make-ups. The kids ''check in'' with their parent/guardian if they
are leaving their own block and come in for dinner or call their
parents if they are eating at the neighbor's house. All the
parents have the phone numbers of the other parents and theres
an agreement that you can disciple with words when needed with
any of the kids.
When I talk about this with the families at my daughter's
school, they first ask where we live, then ask if we're afraid
for our daughter's safety when she's outside playing. Sometimes
there's a mention of not being able to do the same thing in the
hills because there are no sidewalks, or the kids live too far
apart - then they ask why we don't ''do play dates?''
So, how do parents feel about play dates vs neighborhood kids
playing together? Are you fearful? Do your kids ride their bikes
with other kids? Do your kids have the freedom to go to other
kids houses if they tell you or call you? Am I just still
living in the 70s thinking life is good and forts, climbing
trees, chalk drawn hopscotch and blow up pools are fun and
Skinned Knees are Good Things
Wow - your situation sounds AWESOME! I think it is great for
your child to have that type of freedom and to make friends in
the neighborhood. Yes, you have to be mindful of safety, but if
we teach our children to always be afraid - isn't that also
dangerous? That said, you might consider a day each week where
you host, or attend, a ''planned'' playdate so your child can get
to know classmates. I live in a really safe neighborhood, but
without any children my son's age. I try and host playdates at
my house because it is conducive to playing outside, building
forts, etc., but I long for a situation where kids run around to
eachother's houses. As long as you feel confident with the other
children, and their parents, I say enjoy it! Also, check out
''The Dangerous Book for Boys'' (geared for boys, but fine for
girls) which talks about - and details - all kinds of stuff our
generation did as kids that kids don't do anymore. Good luck!
GOOD FOR YOUR KIDS! I am so excited to hear that normal, unscheduled, non-
playdate playing is going on in your neighborhood. Can I move there?
Why people think there are more child predators today than there were in the 70s
when we were growing up (or at least some of us were growing up) is a mystery. It's
flat out not true. The problem is everyone THINKS there are more crimes against
children because of the immediacy of modern-day media. There were crimes before,
sure, but we didn't hear about them because they weren't in our neighborhood. Now
the world is our neighborhood and something that happens in Rockridge seems as
close to us as something that happened in Hanover, N.H.
We are an ultra-cautious society -- sometimes to the extent that it isn't actually
good for our children. From your note it sounds like all the kids in your
neighborhood are responsible and know who to contact, and do contact them, when
the need arises. You are fostering great trust and healthy indepence in your
So I'm not sure what the problem here is, quite frankly. The parents at your school
are making you feel like *&^% because your kids have a normal, stable play life?
should just shake your head and say, ''What a shame you guys have to rely on
It sounds like you have a fantastic situation in your
neighborhood and the parents you are talking to are jealous
and/or having an unconsciously racist/classist response. Relax
and enjoy what you've got!
I am sooooo much in favor of playing with neighborhood kids
over the chauffeured parent-managed playdate, I don't even know
where to begin. YES, it's safe -- safe enough!! And it would be
even safer if more people let their kids play outside so that
there would be a big pack of kids of all ages outdoors. The
perspective that our kids must be indoors and under our eyes at
all times in order to be ''safe'' seems to me to be soooooo
wrong. It isn't any more dangerous in 2007 than in was in 1967
for kids to be outdoors in their neighborhoods - it's just that
we've become totally paranoid.
Your situation sounds ideal. I would not trade your daughter's community of friends
playdates and a home on a hilly street with no sidewalks for anything. The only
for a playdate for your daughter is if she has a special friend at school that she
to see outside of school. Otherwise, just enjoy your situation and don't let
stress get to you.
--also lucky to live in a friendly community
Oh how I envy your situation! Being from Europe I don't get the playdate thing at
and living in the area I do we practically never see kids on the street, let alone
able to pop over to a neighborhood friend's house to play. It's enough to make me
want to leave the bay area; I had no idea real neighborhood play was going on right
there in Oakland! Also sounds like racism and classism are sadly alive and well in
the bay area and that's part of what you're dealing with at the school.
I only see a point in playdates with kids from school if they've built a real
you want to build on, and you connect with the family. Otherwise, they spend
enough time together already, how wonderful that they are living amongst and
playing with such a diverse group of children and you can save on the scheduling/
driving! I say enjoy what you have, and let your children be children.
missing the 70's
I'm not totally sure what advice you're looking for. I don't know
why your daughter can't do both: play with kids on her street AND
have the occasional playdate. My daughter plays with friends on
our street all the time, but they aren't necessarily her best
friends. She can't help that some kids she really enjoys live too
far away to play with easily.
Also you talk about your neighborhood vs. the hills...is that the
crux of this? I lived in Montclair for a long time and it was all
playdates because of the reasons you cite: unsafe hills and
curves, no sidewalks, and kids living too far from each other to
get to each other's houses safely. Essentially, your daughter is
in school with many kids that can't just play on the street, so
they have to do playdates to see each other. I can see where
she'd feel left out, especially if she has good friends that
don't live in her neighborhood. Again, letting her have playdates
once in awhile won't hurt anything.
I will say that the playdate thing can get out of control. I have
talked to some moms and we have agreed to get our kids to stop
talking about and planning playdates constantly at school. It
becomes a snubbing system of sorts, and some kids lord their
frequent playdates over the other kids.
Why do Skinned Knees Have to Happen Only at Home?
Play dates are an adaptation born out of necessity to create the
semblance of what you have at home. If you feel that your kids
are safe, hold on to your neighborhood community.
I don't think I'll be the only respondent who is totally jealous
of your neighborhood! We have a lot of kids on our street, too.
However, everyone seems to be in after-school care so we don't
get a lot of playing around on the street after school. It's a
bummer. I think your situation is grand and wish we had that here.
I think to most people your neighborhood sounds great. You are
really lucky. When other people say their neighborhood doesn't
work like that, they are telling the truth, not just being
snobby. For various reasons (hills, no sidewalk, no kid
neighbors, scary neighbors, busy street, isolated street) lots of
people in all demographics don't have the same situation. Maybe
the other mothers are just wondering if you would be willing to
''do'' a playdate with their child who doesn't live right around
you. If your daughter wants to, that could be fun too.anon
You are very fortunate. That is a dream of mine to live on a
street with families such as yours! I'm wondering if most
people only do playdates because they don't have such a
wonderful situation as yours. At least, that is true for me. I
would love for my kids to have that experience. But every one
is different and have different trust levels, values and
lifestyles. I would say to trust yourself. You know the
neighborhood, the families, and your kids better than anyone.
Sounds like you know them well enough to trust them and feel
that they are safe. Enjoy and appreciate what you have. One
thing to say is if there is a specific kid from school that
wants to play with yours, maybe be open to scheduling playdates
periodically with them.
Wishing I lived on your block!
All I can say is that your kids are very, very lucky!
One of the saddest things to me is that I never hear the sound of
children playing in my, not fancy, but ''safe'' neighborhood. I
think back on my childhood of standing outside my friends houses
and calling their names, building forts, making up games, and
resourcefully using what was at hand, and I wonder what's going
to become of all these kids who have no idea what to do with
themselves if they're not in some structured ''worthwhile''
activity or being entertained.
Our street in the Oakland foothills (nice neighborhood but not
far from ''problem areas''). A big group of kids from multiple
houses all hang out together and do similar things - run
around, basketball, ride bikes, go in and out of neighboring
houses, play ball, hanging out in the neighborhood. Early on
some of the kids were also quite young including younger
siblings at ages 3, 4, 5. This frightened me as they were
clearly too young to be ''unsupervised'' and being around a
slightly older sibling wasn't enough. My child is now 6 and is
not permitted to hang out with this group unless I'm watching.
Call me paranoid, but a young child is still vulnerable and I'm
not going to take that chance in an ''urban'' environment. Maybe
when my child is closer to 10, I will be okay with more freedom
as long as there were understood boundaries. We do have
arranged playdates with neighborhood kids, but mainly see
friends from school.
I think your neighborhood play situation sounds GREAT. We have
this going on in my neighborhood and it's one of the many things
I love about where we currently live (my kid is too young to
participate yet). Unfortunately, the schools in my area are
awful, so we will need to find a new home before kid #1 reaches
school age. One of my concerns is finding a new neighborhood
with a similar vibe. I hate it when you only catch glimpses of
the neighbors as they're going from car to house. As for formal
playdates with kids outside the neighborhood, I would personally
want to have some every now & then to foster relationships for
both me and my kid with the other families at the school.
We live in the El Cerrito flats. Kids in our neighborhood play
together like yours. It is so fun to see that the statistics
about too much screen time don't apply to these kids. I'm not
anti-playdate, but running around with neighborhood kids is just
easier for me, and the dynamic seems more natural.
I think it's great that your kids are able to have unstructured play time with
kids in their neighborhood. I may be living in a 70s dream world as well, but I
to feel sorry for my peers who had to go to this class and that practice all the
Now it seems to be the norm for kids to either be in a structured environment or
have their parents around all the time. I would have hated it myself.
My son is still too young for the world of play dates, but I have to say, the term
itself makes me cringe. Maybe you could compromise and set up a couple of (ugh)
play dates with his friends at school, but I think your kids are lucky to be able
enjoy neighborhood play.
I'm with you. Skinned knees have got to make a come back.
I've always thought we were the mellow parents, but we just got
back from a summer trip to Vermont with some friends and thier
kids and we were soooo much more uptight then they were. Both
my friends had huge barns and lived on multiple acres. The kids
swung from the rafters, had tree forts, climbed trees that were
like 40 feet high and they had the time of thier lives. They
played flashlight tag, even my 2 year old till about 10 at
night. They ran and played so hard. We do not do that here and
when we got back from our trip, we tried to stay mellow about
the 2yo on the playground and playing in the park (he's very
athletic and agile) and we got some real nasty looks. I just
ignored them, for god's sake when they fall on the playground
now, it's got that squishy ground, how hurt can they get. He
even fell from the tree house at our friends house, it was about
5 feet high. He cried a bit and about 2 minutes later, he
climbed up it again. I really think we are wayyyyyy
overprotective here in the bay area. I don't think it's the
time, I think it's that place. We in the bay area need to chill
out, I think we are a bit too obsessed with our children, I
think we think they are a bit ''too special''. I grew up in a
much tougher area than most areas in the bay area (I found a gun
in the creek behind my house and I was playing near a dumpster
once that had a body in it that the mob just wacked, really, I'm
not BSing you, I've lost a lot of my early childhood friends to
drug overdoses) and we were just fine. We need to get over
ourselves. We live in a neighborhood with a lot of kids that all
got to the same school and I'm really trying to create that
culture as well, ''have your kid come over here and sometimes
I'll send my kid over there'', playing on the sidewalk, ect. I
think we've got a little kooky and playing in the hood is what
childhood is all about
My kids play with neighbor kids in much the same way you
describe -- the 6yo with much more independence than the 3yo, of
course, and with a little less freedom than you describe which
is probably due to the average age on our block being a little
lower. And we feel very fortunate to live in a neighborhood
where this is possible! So clearly I am in favor of free-form
can-you-come-out-and-play type neighborhood ''playdates''. And
no, I don't worry overmuch about safety.
But we also arrange somewhat more formal playdates from time to
time, with the kids' schoolmates who live a little farther away,
or who have a different childcare schedule, or for whatever
other reason are friends with our kids but whom we don't just
happen to encounter out and about in the same way we do the
other kids who live on the same block we do.
So it's not as if I have an anti-playdate philosophy; in fact, I
wish it were easier than it is to arrange after-school playdates
with my son's classmates. On the other hand, the kids
participating in these playdates are going to do the same sorts
of things our neighborhood kids do together -- including riding
bikes and drawing with sidewalk chalk. So perhaps there is some
other distinction being made in your area that I'm not quite
It's all good
What you describe sounds really wonderful to me. I guess I
probably would want to know who the adults were in the
neighborhood homes, just to make sure no one seemed
particularly creepy, and I'd want to make sure that my kids
knew to tell me if anyone seemed strange. I also live in
Oakland and find that occasionally people who don't live in
Oakland, or who live in the hills, either make assumptions
about the flat lands or don't have a clue about what it's like
to live anywhere that's not just like where they live. Many
people have never lived in a racially AND economically diverse
neighborhood and they never will. My deep down opinion is that
there's also unspoken racism. I guess that in theory you are
exposing your children to the risk that perhaps there's a
molestor living in one of these homes, but it's a well know
statistic that most children who are molested are molested by
someone close to them. Then there's the also really remote
risk of abductions when they're out and about. You just have
to evaluate your particular situation, neighbors,
responsibility levels of the kids, etc. But I would trust your
gut feelings, and ignore what the school parents are saying.
wow! i wish i had your situation. we have one other family here
(grand lake) that we have a similar vibe with, but since
currently mine are 6 and 2 and theirs are 4 and 1, there is more
parent supervision. i sincerely hope we can be like that in 4-5
there is a ''worry'' mentality these days, enhanced by shows like
COPS, america's most wanted, etc. in my opinion this is designed
to convince the american people to accept the overturning of the
bill of rights, purportedly in exchange for feeling safer. so i
see parents hover and try to prevent any ''danger,'' raising kids
who are afraid to take any risks. and i see it happen more in
more affluent areas (montclair, piedmont), maybe also due to
former corporate executive type, now stay at home mamas needing
something to micromanage and stress about.
--wish i had your ''village''--
I didn't see the original post but wanted to chime in about the
joys of living in flatland neighborhoods with lots of kids. We
live in El Cerrito and on our block there are at least 9 school
age kids ranging from kindergarten to middle school. We chose the
neighborhood school but many families do not. So far, that hasn't
stopped all the kids from going in and out of each others' houses
(and yards) with a great deal of freedom. It's a flat street
where the houses are very close to each other.
It's not uncommon to have 5 kids in my home or back yard before
and after dinner. My youngest is 6 and she is allowed to go in
and out of 3 other homes on the block. My 10-year-old is allowed
to walk home from school with a friend.
All of our closest neighbors have my home number and can call any
time if I need to know something. If we are going out to dinner
and an extra kid wants to go along, we call the family and ask if
I also do more traditional playdates (when my kids ask for them)
with friends at school but they do very few structured after
school activities because there is so much to do on our block.
I grew up in Los Angeles County and remember some of the horrific
crimes (Hillside Strangler, Manson family murders) but,
fortunately, my parents never allowed paranoia to keep me and my
siblings from walking 4 blocks to the grocery store. I feel
fortunate that my children are having a similar childhood experience.
--let kids be kids
I think your neighborhood & situation sound fabulous. But please
do consider inviting your children's classmates over as well.
Some of us aren't lucky enough to live in safe, flat
neighborhoods with lots of kids like yours. Our kids really like
& need to play with other kids, too -- & it's sometimes awfully
hard to arrange opportunities for them to do so.
My residential home is next to a small apartment. When I'm in
my sons' room, I can hear the new tenant (only because she's
yelling at the top of her lungs) during the day verbally abusing
her toddler in Spanish. She has two little boys, and from what
I can tell when I'm home (I work part time) (one goes to the
local elementary and one is home during the day) I have heard
her husband too verbally abuse the children calling them mean
names in Spanish only because they yell it's hard not to miss.
I speak Spanish so I understand what they're saying and they're
not saying nice words. I don't get involved with the neighbors
and I've only noticed this situation because they've made it so
obvious. I'm worried for her toddler and I wince when I hear
the toddler crying out loud on and on during the day as she's
verbally abusing him. I'm the mother of three sons and I have a
toddler myself. I don't know if I should call CPS on her or
simply mind my own business. I see the baby in the morning and
in the afternoon (when I'm home but I'm not home during the day
everyday) as they walk past in front of my house and the baby
has no physical marks on him but I know he's being verbally
abused. It's such an extremely sensitive issue and I'm just
torn. I don't know the woman and she doesn't seem too receptive
to being my friend as she always stoops her head low if she sees
me in front of my house. Like I stated, I'm a mother myself and
I know kids can cry on and on or maybe (as I try to give her the
benefit of the doubt) the toddler is teething with his molars
and she feels exasperated. I just don't know what to do.
Should I just mind my own business? I don't mean to pry but
it's so loud I am really worried for her baby. Please, any
advice. Thank you.
If you feel that a child ''MAY'' be in danger/ being abused, then
yes make the call. It is the duty of the CPS worker to
investigate and determine if the child is at risk. Thanks for
By no means do I mean to sound like verbal abuse of a toddler is
okay. That said, I would SERIOUSLY discourage you from calling
CPS. Once a child is in the child welfare system, the life of
that family is no longer their own. While there are lots of
loving foster families out there, the likelihood is that the
child will end up in a situation that causes far more emotional
damage than the present one.
If you fear for this child and his parents, then I suggest you
reach out them. It will probably take time and may not be
well-received, but that is the neighborly thing to do. Offer to
go to the park with her one afternoon. Once you get to know one
another make overtures to babysit so the mom and dad can have
some down time. Eventually, you may become close enough to offer
her some advice on parenting classes. You can offer to attend
with her so she she doesn't feel like you think she's a bad mom.
If you don't want to go this route, then slip some materials in
Spanish on parenting classes at Bananas or someplace else under
their door or mail them to the family. Try to identify
inexpensive child care so they can take a break and secretly pass
that information on to the family.
My point is, even though you live next door you don't know this
family's full story and calling CPS into their lives is probably
going to create more drama and stress for the kids than you can
imagine. Study after study show that even kids who come from the
most abusive of homes, where removal is warranted, still want to
have a relationship with their families. It's not your place to
make such a monumental choice for these kids based on what you
hear through the window.
another concerned mother
I agree that you have a right to be concerned for the kids, but
you need to decide how serious the situation really is. I'm
sure that the parent really do love them, despite the bad
parenting. Maybe continue to keep an eye on the situation and
keep remembering that some people have VERY different methods
of parenting than you or I might. Verbal abuse is bad and can
sometimes indicate something deeper, so I don't think you
should ignore it entirely, but be very, very careful and know
what actions CPS would take to resolve such a issue. Verbal
abuse might also just be verbal abuse. I grew up in some rough
places and it was not uncommon for parents to verbally abuse
and swear at their kids. Okay, not a good thing, but as many
of those kids turned out just was well as in any other
demographic. Would the CPS's actions be beneficial? Would it
be better for those kids to be with someone who did not love
them as deeply as their parents, but who didn't verbally abuse
them? I think sometimes we undervalue the importance of
familial bonds. Even if some people are terrible parents, they
often end up raising healthy kids. Also, watch the kids - do
they seem unhappy and nonresponsive. One can always
misunderstand a situation. Remain concerned, but be careful
about how you react.
Call CPS and let them evaluate the situation. Trust your
instincts. Even verbal abuse is abuse and this family might
benefit from some intervention.
You have an innocent and vunerable child in an abusive situation. Call both the
and child protective services, and do in ANONYMOUSLY so you and your family do not
get hurt. If we have illegal aliens, also call the Dept of Homeland Security. Be
Call CPS. You can do it anonymously, and there are often
bilingual social workers who help families like this change their
If you think they are being abused, call CPS. That simple.
Sadly (in my opinion), verbal abuse is unlikely to get much CPS
response, and probably won't get them any services, but in the
best world, CPS would hook them up with some support
services/parenting classes, etc. But even if you think your call
won't go anywhere, it does serve a purpose. It has to be logged.
That's valuable because if the abuse escalates into something
worse in the future, there will be some history in the records
should it ever come to CPS again. That history could mean the
difference between CPS intervening or not.
You referred to the younger neighbor child as a ''baby,'' I'm
wondering how old the child is and what he is being called. Is
he six months old? Is he five years old? It makes a difference.
I'm a CPS social worker and I recommend making a call to your
county's CPS hotline. They'll ask you several questions to
determine whether a report is warranted. Make sure you're
specific about what you're hearing and how often it occurs.
Provide as much information as you can gather: names, address,
phone #. Make sure you tell them that the family is Spanish
speaking. You can remain anonymous.
My first instinct would be like yours: to get to know her. what
about taking food over, like brownies, under the guise of
getting to know the neighbors? I would also head over with
parenting resorces. Check out bananas (heard good things) and
also Talk Line. I love this place--volunteered there for 5
years talking to stressed out parents on the phone. That said,
this kid's esteem and welfare hangs in the balance. I think
where children are concerned, we can never be too nosy. Call
CPS and make an anonymous report. Her kids wont get taken away
and we probably wouldnt want that anyhow but it might be the
only way she gets to the (mandatory) parenting classes she
needs. The more reports, I think, the more likely the family'll
get checked out.
Go ahead and call CPS-- they will know what to do. It's okay that you don't know what
to do, they will assess the situation and act appropriately. Maybe the family needs
help,m aybe this is something they need to work through-- by calling CPS you are not
'taking the child away' from the family, you are making sure someonw is watching out
for the best interests of the child-- which is what you seem to want to do, but don't
know how to do. Call CPS, they will know what to do.
You can call child protection. They are the ones who deal with this. They will decide
to investigate it or not. They (hopefully) know what they are doing. You can be
better safe than sorry
I'm a Marriage Family Therapist and have worked with many
families who are being monitored through CPS and I've also had
to report families to CPS myself. In my profession I'm a
mandated reporter, but if I put myself in your place I believe
I would make the call-better to call and report than perhaps
one day regret the fact that I didn't report (if something
happened to that baby). In my experience CPS doesn't just
swoop in and take children away from their parents. I've had
cases that appear to have been much more serious and CPS
assessed, mandated counseling, provided in-home family
counseling and can also provide/refer bilingual services and
referrals. They also provide follow up care/visits, etc.
This does not have to be a ''report OR reach out'' decision. You
can report and be kind to the family if you feel safe doing
so. Good luck and thanks for caring.
a local Marriage Family therapist
Our neighbor's 1st-grade son (an only child) is the same age as
one of our children. On different occasions, they have sent him
over to our house to play: in the afternoon w/o having fed him
lunch beforehand, to stay ~4 hours through dinner time w/o
inquiring about him or asking him to come home to eat, right
before or during our dinner time (5:30-6:00-ish), while seeing us
arrive home (very tired) after being out all day w/our kids
(right before dinner time), etc. Furthermore, we usually end up
being the ones to send him home, rather than someone in his
household asking for him to come home.
One afternoon while preparing dinner, after telling our son it
would be inappropriate for him to visit his classmate at that
time w/o being invited, guess who comes over to our house?
Saying ''no'' to our neighbor's child isn't always easy, but not
only can his visits put us in an awkward spot at times, but we've
also been put in a contradictory position with our children and
what we try to teach them.
Can anyone suggest a tactful way for us to handle this with our
neighbor and their son. Of course, we have nothing against play
dates or visits from their son. We're just looking for help with
letting them know what we consider appropriate and acceptable in
these situations. Thanks for any help.
I used to have my child tell the other child (or I would do it)
that they can't play today, right now, or on a school day- which
ever applies.You could put a time limit on it- can only play for
30 minutes on a school night.
Think about it from your child's point of view. How lovely for him to have a playmate
nearby, and to have a comfortable, casual arrangement with a friend he really likes. Do
you feel secure in letting your son play at their house, too? If so, this could be a great
setup -- when you're tired, he goes to their house to play. My child had a group of
three children his age on our street (we called them his posse), and it was good for all
3 of them to be able to go into all 3 houses. He has missed them terribly since we've
moved. Maybe invite the boy's parents over for coffee to see if you like them? Most
kids rely on our setting up playdates; those who can arrange their own playdates are
Missing the Posse
We have a similar situation. Next door neighbors have a child
similar in age to our kids. Both her parents work. When she sees
us come home, she knocks on the door within 5 minutes and stays
until we tell her to leave. However, it hasn't been a problem for
us. Half the time when she comes, we turn her away because my
kids have other things they need to do. When we're getting ready
for dinner, I send her home. She's a sweet girl and we really
don't mind having her around, but I also don't hesitate for a
second to tell her she needs to leave or she can't come over.
It's slightly annoyed me that her parents don't reciprocate by
hosting our kids, but recently I think their Dad has felt guilty
and they are having my kids over more often. Bottom line, if you
aren't comfortable, say no. You'll be setting a good example for
your kids AND not telling them one thing and then letting your
neighbor do another. Good luck.
''Ok Jack, you need to go home now.'' If by chance one day you feel like feeding
him with your family, like if he comes over before lunch and the kids are still
having a lot of fun, have him go home and ask or call his mom to see if it's OK.
This will show him and perhaps his parents what the difference is. If he turns
up one day and you just don't want him to come over just say, ''Sorry Jack,
Jimmy can't have a friend over right now.''
Not that hard!
My Mother had this problem with a neighbor kid some 30+ years or
so and I thought she handled it quite well. When the girl came
over our house for a visit that extended itself into dinner time
she sent the visitor back home with a ''it's dinner time here
and, you are welcome to come back tomorrow for play'' or, a ''it's
time to go home, we are going to have dinner, you are welcome to
come over tomorrow'' or some other variation on that theme.
I also think that a honesty with the neighbors would be
appropriate. Mention that while you love to have their boy over,
you don't allow visitors during your family dinner hour which
iss x time to x time. And, don't feel guilty about sending him
home by saying your child cannot play right now because it's too
close to dinner, or by saying he can only play for a short time
Perhaps, these parents have different schedules for dinner/lunch
and are not aware that they are inconveniencing you.
I think it's appropriate to also mention what time your lunch
hour and dinner hours are and that you don't have visitors
during that time, while you would love visits from the child at
You might also think that this child doesn't get great parenting
and, his food needs are not being met at home. And, if he's
hungry it's not his fault that his caregiver is not feeding him
or looking out for his needs...I had this problem once and just
ended up always adding an extra place at our table for my
daughter's friend whom I'm sure wasn't getting 3 square meals a
day. I felt sorry that this child wasn't getting
attention/nutrition that she needed and, I really didn't feel
put out by it.
At our house, this is how we handle it. If neighbor kids want
to come over and play in our house or in our back yard, they
need to ask first (at the door or at the gate). We have learned
that if we are not up for a visit (homework, too tired, about to
eat a family meal, about to go out, have other frinds over and
don't ant more) then we tell them it is not a good time right
now. The neighbors have learned to accept that (even if they do
whine). We just tell them no and send them home. If they are
over at our house and we feel it is time for them to leave (time
for us to have jsut family time), we will send them home. We
will watch young ones to make sure they get back to their own
Our kids would sometimes love to go over to another neighbors
house, but if those neighbors have other company or family over
then we tell them they can't. We don't even let them invite
themselves over to another neighbors house, anyway. We think it
is best to invite kids to our house, play in the neutral areas
like front yards or side yards (and maybe someone else will come
out - or you can invite them), or ask them to go to the
playground with us. Just say no and send them back.
talk to his parents! tell them exactly what you wrote down
below... what is obvious to you is not obvious to every parent,
everywhere--even right next door to you.
i've learned that all different people have so many different
expectations, you just have to be upfront with stuff like
this--maybe they have totally different schedule, etc...
I have really weird things about space and people just droping in
from space (I work really weird hours, so dropping in on my
household-- I could be eating dinner at 3AM)...
talk to your meighbors
i'm sorry about your situation, but why did you feel compelled
to highlight that the neighbor child is an only child. it didn't
seem pertinent frankly, and ''asides'' like that are unnecessary
and perpetuate stereotypes.
You have to take control of this situation, but tact may not be
the tool to use. I had a very similar situation when my kids
were younger. Honestly, I spent months training that child in
what was appropriate. It was tiring, but I had to do it. The
key, I think, is that you are training him, not his parents.
When you teach children, you are very straightforward. You
say, ''Junior can't play tonight, it is almost time for dinner.''
You say this every night for three weeks, then the child learns
not to come over. In my case, I walked her home, since she
didn't want to leave. Once evening she stood outside our window
looking in at us eating. Twice I opened the door to tell her the
kids could not play the rest of the night, and she should go
home. Eventually, I closed the curtain on her. It seems
ridiculous, but she was having a hard time getting that we meant
it. She eventually became a well-behaved and appropriately-timed
guest at our home. I didn't try to bring this up with her
parents, since they clearly lacked the understanding of what was
appropriate in the first place, or their child would have known
it. Put the energy into training your neighbor child, and you
I feel really sorry for the other kid. It sounds like there's
very little structure in his home, and he must feel bad being
turned away when his parents throw him out the door, unfed, to
Here's what I'd do: ''Timmy, We have certain rules in our home,
one of them is that you must call before you come over. I'm going
to give your mom our telephone number and she can help you call
us to see if it's a good time for you to come and play.''
You give little timmy your number, and you also go to his house
and give his parents your number: ''Hi Timmy's mom! We really like
having timmy over, but it's disruptive when it's
dinner/lunch/nap/family time. I'd really appreciate it if you
could have HIM CALL US (caps mean; you are teaching the child
some manners and responsibility by having him make the calls) to
see if it's a good time for visiting.''
Also, I understand being frustrated when he comes over hungry,
but come on... he's what, 7 or 8 years old??? Can't you just give
him a peanut butter sandwich or something? Really it's not his
fault that his family doesn't feed him when they should; you
could at least not begrudge him food. I understand your
frustration is really w/ the parents,and unless you're going to
call them on this, just give him a bite to eat and forget about
it. Maybe his family is abusive, or mean, or stupid, or any
number of things. they might just be clueless. Anyway it goes,
feeding him a snack isn't going to break your bank.
Lastly, it doesn't sound like the kid is being cared for very
attentively. In some ways, it really does take a village... your
kindness to this child will help him grow up to be a better
person. And teaching him respect for your boundaries, i.e. by
calling before coming over, is one way to do that. It is also
teaching kindness by feeding the poor little guy and not making a
big deal of it.
My 5.5 year old daughter has a neighborhood friend who waits
outside our house nearly every day, waiting for my daughter to
come home (they go to different schools, and my daughter is
also in aftercare). Actually, this girl (age 6) and her
younger brother (age 3 or 4) are often left unsupervised
outside for hours at a time, and if they aren't at our house
they are otherwise wandering up and down the street). Many
days my daughter plays with them (if it is just the girl, my d
can invite her in; if it is the girl and her brother or other
kids, they must play outside, near our house). We almost
always have to ask them to leave for us to eat dinner and/or to
otherwise get on with the rest of our afternoon or evening.
Things have gotten awkward when my daughter has had other, more
structured play dates with other kids from school or other
places. My daughter often does not want to play with this girl
when her other friends are over, (and from my experience 3-way
play dates tend to be fraught with exclusion, tears etc, so I
prefer her to just have one friend over at a time as well). I
feel bad sending the girl home as if she were a 2nd tier
friend, but the fact is she is nearly ALWAYS waiting, so there
is nothing else to do but explicitly ask her to go home. Any
suggestions for minimizing hurt feelings or otherwise dealing
with this girl?
Need guidance on friend boundaries
I have a 5 year old and understand the problem of 3-way play dates. I would try to
schedule playdates with the neighbor girl's parent(s), then she might slowly get
used to the idea that she can come over when it is planned in advance and that
people are not available when they have a guest over. (Then be sure not to have
drop-ins when during the neighbor girl's
playdates.) I think it shouldn't be on you to have to turn her down all the time,
but I wouldn't feel bad about it if they play together fairly often.
Drop-ins should call ahead
Your primary concern should not be excluding this little girl, as difficult as
that is, it should be why her parents are letting her roam around the neighborhood
unsupervised at age 6. I work for Alameda County Social Services and can tell you
that this is a reportable situation, especially since it is chronic. Please call
the hotline at 510.259.1800. A very experienced worker will talk with you and
determine if the family needs an investigation.
If so, most likely the social worker would help the parents get the resources they
need, like child care, to properly to care of their children. One of these
children could get hurt or victimized, please take it seriously and call. thanks
My comment is not specifically about your daughter and this neighborhood girl. The
girl sounds terribly lonely; at the same time, you're not responsible for being
her daily caregiver.
There is a larger problem here, which is why are a 6-year-old and a 3- or 4- year
old left unsupervised for hours at a time and often wandering up and down the
street? This has got to be illegal on some level? It seems like you could best
help her and her sibling by contacting Child Protective Services about this
This is not an extreme measure -- they can investigate the situation, they don't
just yank the children out of the home.
If this just a case of a parent being absent-minded about their care, this would
be a wakeup call. If there is a serious neglect issue, the children need an
authority figure to step in. Your report would be anonymous -- CPS would not give
out your name as the complainant while they are investigating.
Please be the best adult and friend you can be by forcing their caregivers to deal
with this potentially dangerous situation.
It makes my stomach turn to think of what can happen to two young children who are
left on their own like this Your concern is a blessing
talk to the parent about setting playdates with the girl, and talk to the girl
too. Or let her know that you like to have her over, but sometimes you do other
things too. Or tell her ahead of time: would you like to come play on Wednesday?
we can't play tuesday this week... Your situation sounds like a drag. Be
compassionate, but don't feel guilty about setting boundaries.
My backyard fence runs adjacent to a small apartment's
backyard. For the last six months, we've had incidents with an
11 year-old girl tenant. On a regular basis, she will get on
the second floor landing facing my yard and verbally harass my
sons calling them names, e.g, ''f-en boys,'' ''suckers,
and ''losers.'' She seems to be obsessed especially with my 10
year old son whom she's always seeking the attention of by
calling his name over and over again. Once, she threw wall tile
from the second floor landing to shatter my glass deck table.
When she did that, the table didn't shatter but it made such a
crashing noise, it scared me to death. My husband spoke to her
father about this. The father simply stated he is not aware of
his daughter causing any problems. Recently, she and her
younger brother threw empty wine bottles with such force towards
my wooden fence that chards of glass penetrated through our
fence and landed onto my plants and children's play area. When
I told her to stop, she simply giggled and ran into the
complex. Lastly, over the weekend, upon our return from an
outing, we found garbage that had been thrown over the fence and
dumped onto our deck. My husband and I have gone to the complex
to speak to the manager but we don't see any manager on site.
We don't want to speak to the parents because we don't want it
to turn into a confrontational situation. I'm wondering how to
contact the property owner/landlord. I have come to the last
straw and I don't know what else this girl is capable of doing,
and I don't know who is responsible if this girl causes more
problems on my property or towards my children, the parents or
the landlord? I've been hesitant to call the police because of
the girl's age, and I really don't want any problems but I'm at
my wit's end. I know I sound cowardly but I guess my last
resort is to file a restraining order but I'm not even sure the
judge would grant one considering the girl's age. Any
informative advice would be appreciated. Thank you
I was frightened when I heard about the situation with your
neighbor's daughter. I would be scared for your safety and
that of your children. You are being abused by a child.
You've taken the right first step by approaching the parents.
If they have not agreed to look into things and help stop this
awful behavior, or are willing to be available to you when you
see things happening so they can intervene, then you have to
take matters into your own hands. I'm not a lawyer, but if
someone endangers you, regardless of age, charges can be
pressed on the child (and possibly the parents.) I think
you've been reasonable in your efforts to ameliorate the
What will happen if you don't try to put an end to this
dangerous behavior? If you don't call the police and get help,
this girl can do much more damage than just shatter glass and
dump garbage. Are you willing to risk the safety and
psychological well being of you and your family? Your children
have the right to play in their yard without fear or undue
I think we have a responsibility not only to our own families
to keep them safe, but to our community as well. If you don't
help this girl learn her lesson, she's going to grow up
thinking she can bully and disrespect people; she'll learn
that it's ok as long as she doesn't get caught. Don't be the
victim in this. Choose to be a part of the solution and get the
police involved. You are also role modeling for your children
how to appropriately handle bullies and that you as their
parent are committed to keeping them safe and happy.
Remember that a landlord has ulterior motives anyway and they
usually hate to get involved or have no real teeth in
situations that are hearsay. The police are fair non-
participants and it's their job to help keep people safe
Concerned mother of 2
How about inviting her over for a playdate? She clearly wants
attention, even though she is asking for it in a negative way.
If you don't want to do that or if it doesn't work, I'd call
Please! Have some compassion! If she is calling your
kids ''losers'' and so on, it is because someone is calling her
those names. She must be feeling lonely and rejected. Is there
any chance you can invite her over to play for a short while?
Just spend 1/2 and hour making cookies with her or cutting out
paper dolls. I really hope that you can turn this around.
Talking to the parents will probably only make matters worse.
And the landlord has no control over the situation. Your only
choice, in my opinion, is to be the bigger person (after all,
you are the adult) and be sweeter than honey. I know that this
is easier said than done, but it is worth a try.
This is unacceptable, and a burden on your kids.
You have to make it stop.
You can't stop her.
If just talking to her would work, it would be over.
You will have to deal with her folks, her landlord and/or cops.
I would suggest you start now making a log of incidents, including desciptions,
dates and times, and taking pictures as well.
(This eliminates the dad's ''nothing happening'' excuse.)
With pictures and dates you try dad first.
Send a certified letter, keep a copy and add it to your file.
If you get no response, or negative response, next time call the cops.
They won't do much, but it's possible that uniforms at the door will cause the
to stop matters.
And add the police report to your file.
If it continues, send a copy of record to landlord.
Tell him that the tenant's actions are interferring with your ''quiet enjoyment of
premises,'' and that it is his responsibilty to end it.
(You can check with Nolo press; there's a specific term to use.)
If he doesn't respond, you can threaten him with a small claims suit up to $5K for
loss of comfortable use of your property.
(This is where the file comes in.)
Small claims court doesn't require a lawyer, you just need to read up and have your
Most likely it won't go this far, but I've had a nuisance neighbor and got things
cleaned up right around the setting a court date point.
In this situation, your children are in danger. If she does it again, call the
report the harrassment. If possible, use a video tape to show her doing these
If she is being verbally abusive and could possibly physically harm your children,
something must be done IMMEDIATELY
I can't see that you have any other choice BUT to call the
police. You've attempted to halt the situation with the
parent, but that led nowhere. Unless you want to move? She's
clearly not being parented...a good fright from a policeman
might be exactly what she needs. You may have to set up a
hidden camera or something to acquire proof however. Good luck
You have to talk to the girl's parents. Their apartment manager is not their
parent. He has nothing to do with this. You said you talked to the dad before
and he said he was not aware of the problem. Well now he is, since you told
him. Are these kids home alone all day? I highly doubt it. When something
happens, go over there and address it right away. If the parents aren't home,
talk to them when they are. Invite them over to see the trash where it has been
thrown over. I am sure they do not want their kid doing such things and they
will set her straight
We had a simillar problem with the apartment building next
door, though with some differences... there is no building
manager on site and we have no idea who the owner is or what
property management company is running it at any given time,
and we never witnessed who was throwing things at our house. In
our case it started with eggs, and escalated to glass (bottles)
shattered all over our driveway. This always happened when we
were not home. After the glass incident we called the police as
we felt things were escalating... and we hadn't even done
anything but was the egg off our house. We told the officer
what had been going on and he went door to door at the
apartment building and spoke to ''all'' of the tenents. (I am
guessing he skipped the old lady, and focused more on the
teenagers who had been hanging out on the balconies.) After
that we had no more problems... fortunately
I find it disconcerting that the parents are denying any wrong
doing of their children. For lack of better solutions, I would
talk to the parents again and let them know what you are going
through, or videotape the girl's actions and show them to her
parents. If you do decide to talk to her parents better to do
it right after the incident. You are protecting your property
and children, don't be afraid to take action you will feel alot
better for it in the end.
Perhaps you could install a video camera (in a discreet
location) and record some of the actions by this nasty little
girl. Then you would have evidence, and could hopefuly proceed
with an effective resolution of the problem
It sounds to me like the girl is endangering you and your
family, period. I would defintely contact the property owner
(you can look up the property owner on the county tax assessor
website) and probably the police too. Another idea: what about
videotaping the girl in action? Maybe that would stop her
itself. If not, mail copies of the tape to her parents,
property owner, etc.
Do call the police. This situation is dangerous to you and your
family, and this girl's behavior will not change until her
parents realize how serious it is, and the police will be the
best way to convince the parents how serious this is! Because
she is young, the police will deal with the parents, not her, so
don't worry about her age. Call them now
I agree with the posters who said that the little girl is begging
for attention, I'd go so far as to say she's in, or headed
toward, some pretty deep psychological trouble. I also agree that
she is hearing ''losers'' from someplace and that she might be
being psychologically abused at home.
I disagree about inviting her over for a couple of reasons. First
is that if she's as needy and troubled as she sounds, she's going
to get attached to you pretty quickly and then you are going to
be in the position of either taking her on as your project or
rejecting her. Another possibility is that she could become even
more of a menace inside your home.
It's a difficult situation, but I think that calling the police
to seek their advice is your only alternative. It is a dangerous
situation for your family and it's not going to stop on its own.
Hopefully they will, as part of a visit to her home, stay long
enough to try and pick up any clues of psychological (and/or
We have new neighbors in with 2 girls, 4&5 This is the problem.
One, the kids come over every day, sometimes as early as
6:30am. I have mentioned this to the single mom AND sent the
kids home when it's too early, but they do this when mom is
asleep or in the shower. Two, mom & kids want our kids want to
spend every waking moment together. The kids come over many
times during the day, despite being told that my kids can't
play, have another playdate,etc. They walk right in the house.
I send the kids home repeatedly sometimes, but don't feel that
I should stop and talk to mom about this every time when i'm
busy or have company, or just want to hang out with my kids
alone. Third, my kids want to play at the other house ALL of
the time, probably because there are few rules. Messes aren't
cleaned up, mealtime is freeform, they are allowed to jump on
the furniture, etc. I either have to say no, or only at our
house, or go over after a few hours and say that it's time to
come home.I also tell my kids to clean up before they leave,
but the mom says they don't need to. I am driving all limits in
this situation. It's not right for somebody else to babysit my
kids all day, plus I want my kids to experience being a host, I
want to play with them too, and I want them to have some
discipline. I've tried suggesting arranged playdates with
finite amounts of time, alternating houses, but mom seems
almost hurt at the suggestion (ie, do you MIND them being at my
house?), and sort of clueless about why I would want to do
this. All of this in front of the kids. 4th, there are custody
issues, and the police have knocked on the door a couple of
times (once when my kids were there). I don't know these people
well enough to know the issues, but am not thrilled with the
whole picture. What to do? This is a nice mom who seems to love
her kids and is sweet with mine, but overall I'm not thrilled
with the atmosphere, and this woman's parenting style is so
different from everyone I know that I'm not sure where to
start. I'm not the most assertive person, but I have made
suggestions on how to put limits on the situation, but it seems
to fall on deaf ears. Also, they live almost right next door,
which makes this awkward
ou have described my worst nightmare! I am the type that needs lots of
with my kid and lots of privacy. I don't even like it when my good friends
by without calling first. You need to start by calling a family meeting
with your own
kids and letting them know how much you value them and that part of taking
of your family includes teaching them appropriate behavior. The
families do things different ways'' is always a good place to start so
that you don't
have to be too critical of the neighbors. Your kids need to know how you
want to do
things. This mom might not pick up on social cues so you will have to
everything out for her. This could also be part of the reason she is
involved in a
dysfunctional custody situation. The police stopping by would be enough
for me to
say NO MORE
good luck--your family comes first
You need to sit down (with your kids or not) and figure out a
schedule. Then stick to it. This will be very difficult, but
it is probably the only way to resolve this problem. Since it
seems your neighbor-mom does not have a lot of structure in her
life, you will need to provide it for her. Say that your kids
can play at the neighbor's three afternoons a week, and then
two afternoons a week you will take all the kids to the park.
Give the kids someplace to go outside of where they live. Be
firm, and if her kids come over at a time when they are not
scheduled to be playing with your kids, send them home and tell
them to come back at whatever time is in the schedule. Make
sure your kids know the schedule also. At first it will be
tough but I think once everyone knows the routine, there will
be fewer hassles
don't like schedules myself
This mom is sweet with your kids. Her kids are sweet with you.
Your kids like being at their house. What on earth could the
problem be? Sure the 6:00 am thing is annoying, but it doesn't
seem like a fair reason to deny your kids a fun place to play
with friends. So what if the rules are different at her house
than they are at yours? You don't give your kids enough credit
if you think that they can't understand that people are
different from one another, and that just because something is
cool in one house doesn't mean it's cool at home. I imagine
that if someone asked you if you were in favor of diversity,
you would say yes. Well, here it is. Diversity is when someone
is different than you. Accepting diversity is learning how to
accept that someone is different than you. If all your friends
have the exact same parenting philosophies, then maybe your
kids NEED to meet some new people. Finally, your implication
that the fact that there is custody drama should somehow be a
problem for your kids is, quite frankly, elitist and snobby.
Unless people are fighting, cussing, and threatening to kill
each other, your kids will not be harmed by exposure to
different family situations. You should try being a single mom
and having an acrimonious relationship with your ex-husband.
It's a lot easier to get to that point than you think. Just
because you're uncomfortable with difference doesn't mean your
kids have to be. Give them a chance to form their own opinions
by letting them be exposed to this kind of diversity. Chances
are you have as much to learn from her parenting as she does
Recently my family and I moved to a great neighborhood in
Berkeley. We love where we live, but lately have had a few
issues with neighborhood kids playing in our yard or on the
sidewalk in front of our house. The kids, sometimes 5-10 at a
time, play catch and tag, skate, ride bikes and scooters, play
basketball and baseball, chase frisbees and so on (normal kids
stuff, I know). Balls and gear end up in our yard, often
hitting our cars and house in the process. Kids run all over
the yard and I've seen bicycles crossing our lawn, which has
destroyed our grass in areas. The neighborhood parents are nice
people, but they don't seem to care that their kids are in the
yards of others.
I don't mean for this post to seem unfriendly. I love kids and
have two boys, but they don't play outside unsupervised. I'm
aware that not everyone wants kids in their yard or playing
next to their house.
What would be the best way to encourage the kids to play
elsewhere? We want to landscape, but are reluctant to as any
new grass or plants will be trampled. I've thought about
fencing, but this doesn't seem to stop kids (they hop the
fences of our neighbors across the street regularly). I'm also
concerned about damaged to our cars from being hit on a
Any suggestions on how to handle this situation would be
Just another mom
Could you approach it from a legal standpoint ? You could
politely tell the parents that you are afraid of having
unsupervised kids in your yard because, if they got hurt, you
could be held liable. Let them know ahead of time that you'll be
asking the kids to leave whenever they are in your yard because
you are not insured to handle these kinds of situations. It
sounds like you otherwise like the neighbors and neighborhood so
try and be as nice (but firm) as possible. If the polite request
goes ignored, I would try a letter from a real estate attorney to
request they quit, then start calling the police when the kids
are in your yard. Hopefully it never goes that far and you sound
much nicer and than me so that may be too harsh. Depending on the
ages of the kids, you might get your house egged or something but
who knows ? Maybe everyone will be understanding in the matter
and you'll have your space back. Also, in terms of the front
yard and bicycles/skateboards/etc. cutting corners on your yard,
you could try a very short border fence which worked wonders for
friends who were having the same problem. Good luck and I hope
everything gets handled peacefully.
Why not try the obvious and talk to the kids and to their
parents and ask them not to play in your yard or hit your cars?
-another Berkeley homeowner and parent
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