Advice about Names
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Advice about Names
Dec 2004
We’re expecting our first child in a few months and starting the
baby-naming game, with a bonus: neither of us feel strongly about
which last name to give the child (we both kept our names and
both are equally “nice”). We’ve decided against hyphenating or
otherwise combining our names, and yes, we may use the other last
name as a middle name, but we still have to decide which name
gets passed on to the child as a surname. I’ve read the
discussion from 2001 about hyphenating last names, but it doesn’t
really discuss the option of just using Mom’sLast. Have any
couples out there done this? Does anyone have any compelling
arguments for or against using Dad’sLast or Mom’sLast? I’d also
be interested in hearing from same-sex couples, since they may
have faced a similar question.
My sister-in-law has given her children different last names:
boys got the father's last name, girls get the mother's. (She
had three boys and one girl.) I don't believe that she faced
any particularly negative reactions (including from her more
traditional parents), though they live outside the US in an
environment a bit less focused on giving children the father's
name.
My partner and I have decided on a variation on this. The
first child got the last name of the parent of the same gender
(turned out to be his), and our second child (also a boy), gets
mine. I wanted to do this mostly because of ethnic pride and a
sense of equality. My partner and I are of different ethnic
backgrounds; I want at least one of my children reflecting this
in their last name. Also, I've kept my name, and don't see why
I should be the odd one out. The reactions I've gotten so far
have been mild disapproval (from my 'liberal' mother!) to just
outright curiousity. I don't think, however, that it is a big
deal, especially with so many blended families today. The
major criticism was that the children won't feel like
a ''family.'' I reply that a family is not made by last names,
but by the people in it.
been there
My husband and I have two children, one with his last name, and
one with my last name. In my mind, it's the only fair way,
unless you choose some entirely new name. (Hyphenating doesn't
work in the long run. What are Jane Smith-Jones and John
Miller-Davis going to name their children? Jim
Smith-Jones-Miller-Davis?)
Karen
My partner and I have 2 children, and I was the birth mother for
both. We chose to have the kids together, and she has adopted
them. We decided to give them my last name because my family
was thrilled when we started our family, while her family was
fairly hostile -- it just seemed to make sense. Our eight year-
old has never questioned why he doesn't have my partner's name.
alison
I have two kids, and my son has my last name (mother's) and my daughter has
my male partner's last name. It's no big deal, except for making reservations, but we
would have had two last names anyway, now we've just divided the number evenly
with 2 and 2. Everyone at school knows they are siblings, and the school knows our
household uses two last names, just like many other families. When people refer to
our family they refer us to us as if our names were hyphenated, but everyone gets
the kids names' straight. Their middle names are the last name of the parent whose
last name is different. I feel that passing on both sets of names is something taken
for granted, and reflects our underlying values about equality.
Anon
My husband and I decided to give both our kids my last
name. We are happy with the decision and never heard
anything negative about it or had any confusion. His support
of the idea stemmed from the political: why would women
always have to ''lose'' their names? Mine stemmed from the
practical: why would I want to give my kids that silly last
name?! Anyway, my husband ended up changing his last
name to mine after our 2nd was born!
Esther
My husband and I both thought it sexist to only give the man's
last name to children. Since we knew we wanted more than one
child, our solution was to give my husband's last name to boys
and my last name to girls hoping we would have both boys and
girls (luckily we did). I don't know anybody else who gave the
woman's last name to a child though. I have to say that with
divorce rate and reconstucted families last names don't ''match''
within families anymore anyway so I don't see it as a big deal
that our kids' last names don't match.
liking my last name
Here's my two cents:
I have a 13 y.o. stepdaughter, who's father I married when she
was 8. Her parents never married and seperated when she was about
2. Her name was hyphenated but over the years, her fathers
surname has been repeatedly dropped by the daughter, the
daughter's mother, her teachers, etc. My husband ''says'' he
doesn't care, but given that they are no longer together (her
parents) I think it does bother him that this one ''claim'' (for
lack of a better word) he has to her identity and her
relationship to him falls by the wayside. Not to suggest you and
your partner may ever split up, but my feeling is, no one is ever
going to question you're the child's mother, but who is the
child's father? Also, I think it just avoids confusion down the
line. If your child is named after you, say ''Smith'' and your
partner's name is ''Johnson'' , he may be otfen referred to as
''Mr.Smith'' in matters relating to your child because most people
still assume the child has the father's last name and the mother
took it as well.
anon
My (same-sex) partner and I had similar discussions during my
pregnancy with our child. I wanted very much to include some
part of her name in our child's name, but she isn't very
attached to any part of her name and, as it turned out after
much thought, I am quite attached to all parts of my name. So
our child has my last name. We considered hyphenation, but my
cousins have hyphenated last names and have always hated it.
(Others probably feel very differently about their hyphenated
last names.) We tried just making one name out of both of our
names, but then our child would've had a last name with 15
letters, as well as a name different than both of her parents.
I have other friends who used a completely different last name
(a grandmother's maiden name, I think), which everyone in the
family adopted. I can't think of a single reason that one
parent's last name is more important than the other parent's.
In the past, I'vw heard people argue that the everyone in the
family should have the same last name, so that people will know
what family they belong to. In this day and age, when there are
so many blended families and single parents, that makes no sense
to me. In fact, I'm mystified by our culture's practice of
giving children their father's last name. (Why is it assumed
the mother's family name will be gone and forgotten?) Good luck
with your decision!
Anon
It seems to be a trend in families in which the woman has not
changed her last name where children are given the husband's
last name. For some reason this really bothers me. If you feel
attached enough to your surname to NOT change it to your
partner's, then how will it feel to have a name different than
your child? My parents divorced when I was young and my mom
changed back to her maiden name. She told us years later that it
upset her that we had different last names, but that it was more
important for her to not have the name of the man she was no
longer with.
The hyphenated names can be unwieldly and all names don't
necessarily work well together, but since kids are from the
partnership it feels only right that both should be in there.
And we can only hope our son doesn't hook up with another
hyphen! At least they'd have a lot to choose from.
name unsatisfied
My husband and I gave my daughter my last name. We did it for a
lot of reasons, but mostly because we didn't see why we should
automatically give her her dad's name. My husband's family has a
history of passing the name matrilineally and I'm the last
person in my family with my name, so I liked the idea of keeping
it alive. Sometimes we receive mail addressed to her with her
father's last name from family members who either don't
understand or don't know (or don't accept?) what her last name
is. But that's not a big deal.
At our daughter's first doctor's visit when we told the doctor
about the different last names in our family, I felt sort of bad
for my husband -- as if he were left out of the family somehow,
but in a marriage with two different names, that's going to
happen to someone.
The only other time I doubted our decision to give her my name
was right after I gave birth, when there was such a connection
between me and my baby and I felt like my husband was left out
of the process. But that doubt passed pretty quickly.
If we have another, we've thought of giving him or her my
husband's name, just to make things even (and further confuse
our families).
I also know a woman who has three kids, all who have her last
name. The only downside she's mentioned is that sometimes people
think the kids are hers from a previous marriage. But that's
resolved quickly and hasn't been a problem for her.
sierra
We decided to give male offspring the dad's last name and female
offspring the mom's. I've heard of other people doing this as
well and it worked well for us.
anon
I read somewhere that girl babies should get their mother's last
name and boys their father's, that way both family names get
passed on. My husband and I modified that a bit. I did not
change my name when we married, and we decided that if our first
child was a boy, he would get my husband's last name and if it
was a girl, she would get mine. Our first (now four months old)
is a boy so he has my husband's last name. Our next child will
get my last name, regardless of sex/gender. If we have a third
child, we will pick the last name that sounds best with the
first name we choose for the child. It's not a perfect system,
but it will work for us. I personally don't like hyphenated
names.
Anon
My SIL and BIL gave their kids her last name. I guess he doesn't
mind. My DH's family is pretty non-confrontational and haven't
disucssed it with him. It does bug his siblings. I suspect it
bugs his parents... but again, they don't do conflict so that
settles that... it wasn't the rest of the family's choice to
make anyway.
There are numerous permutations on the rules for last name
giving out there now days. As a teacher I see lots of kids with
hypehnated names, most with dad's name, and next to none with
mom's name... usually these are kids where the dad is not in the
picture and they live with mom and a step-father... not that it
has to be that situation, but that might be the assumption if
you choose that route. It would be easily clarified though.
Personally, I considered keeping my name when we got married but
didn't want to have a different name than my dh and kids...
almost like we weren't all a family. I know it would bug my dh
too, so we just picked one name for us all.
annon.
Our kids have my (their mother's) last name. When people ask us,
''Why do they have their mother's last name?'' we ask them, ''Why do
yours have their father's?'' Both choices seem equally arbitrary.
We used my last name because my husband prefers it to his. I
suppose some people might jump to the conclusion that my husband
is not the father of our kids (although our first kid looks a lot
like his father, as it happens), but so what? There are all
sorts of blended families these days, and no one gets
particularly worked up about them.
By the way, our kids have their father's last name as their
middle name.
Mother of two
I decided that my children would have my surname years before I
met my husband. I'm attached to it, it's fairly unusual and yet
easy to spell and pronounce and I've never seen a reason why
children should carry their father's last name rather than their
mother's. Given my strong feelings on the issue, it came up soon
after my husband and I started dating and he agreed that if we
were to have children they'd carry my surname. It didn't hurt
that his last name was not the one he was born with (it's his
stepfather's) and that it's a fairly common one.
We have a daughter now who has my last name, as will our
soon-to-be-born second daughter. We gave our first daughter a
femenine version of her father's first name, however, both to
honor him and because I've always loved the name.
We haven't had any problems whatsoever, though sometimes people
have just assumed that her name was like her father's and we've
corrected them.
In all, what I would say is that you go about selecting the last
name as you would the first name: which one sounds better with
the first name you selected? which one is easier to
spell/pronounce? which one is more or less unusual? which one
will give the better initials? And of course, which one of you
wants to pass on your surname the most?
anon
My husband and I kept our own names when we married. When we had
children we elected to use my last name. It has worked out fine,
no problems or questions for us. However, it was very hard on my
in-laws. It was hard for them to understand this decision and
caused them some hurt, which I had no idea of. For many years
they did not mention this. When they did mention it, we decided
to change to my husband's name. I viewed this as a gift to my
in-laws, as my view of the importance of names has changed over
the years. Changing our name was a relatively simple process,
cost about $350 and 2 trips to Martinez. And it has not been a
big issue for my children, at the ages of 4 and 8.
what's in a name?
In our family, girls get mom's last name, dad's last name is a
middle name(we didn't want to hyphenate) and boys get dad's last
name (mom's middle).
We determined this before having any children and it seemed
pretty fair. Worked out so we have one of each, but I am
constantly explaining that they have the same father.
no regrets.
anon
When I was trying to get pregnant, my husband and I agreed that
if the baby was a girl, it would have my last name, and if it was
a boy, he could pick the last name. I guess I instigated it
because I always thought it was a little unfair that the mother's
name should just be gone. I thought that splitting it this way
would allow for a matriarchal and a patriarchal line, possibly
preserving both family names. It just seemed fair to me. My
husband was fine with this especially since he is estranged from
his father and knew that he did not want his child to have his
last name. (If we had had a boy, it would have been given my
husband's maternal grandfather's name.) We did have a girl, and
she has my last name only. There have been no problems with this
at all. Maybe it's just this area, but no one has ever commented
about it. Oh, except for my sister. She said, how will my
daughter know who her family is if all of you don't have the same
last name? I said I thought she would figure it out somehow ;-).
My daughter is four now. I don't know how this will play out as
she gets older. One thing we did was give her her dad's middle
name as her name. It just happened to sound good as her middle
name, and it's given her a sense of connection to him.
Mimi
My husband and I had a similar situation when it came to naming
our daughter two years ago. We decided that the only fair way
was to choose randomly. In our case, we arbitrarily decided
before the sonogram that if the baby was a boy, he would have my
husband's last name, and if it was a girl, she'd have mine. And
so our daughter has my last name. At one point we also discussed
tossing a coin, joking that this could be a little ceremony in
front of family members in the hospital. We have had some
disapproving comments from acquaintances and family members: ''It
will confuse the school,'' mostly. It's my opinion that there are
so many non-nuclear, non-traditional, blended families that
it'll be no big deal, and so far we haven't had a problem. I'm
interested to hear what parents of older children have to say....
- no regrets yet
Just to get an idea of what people are doing these days, I did a
very unscientific survey using the roster of my son's preschool
in Berkeley. There are 66 children, mostly 3 and 4 year olds.
The roster lists the child's last name and the parents' last
names. Here's what I found:
- 71% of the families have 2 parents with different last names
- 26% of the families all use the same last name
- 3% of the families have a single parent, one same last name as
child, one not
Of the 47 families where there are two parents with different
last names, what last name does the child use?
- 30 (64%) use the father's last name
- 12 (26%) use both names (half with a space between and half
with a hyphen between)
- 3 (6%) use the mother's last name
- 2 (4%) are two-mom families and use only one of the mom's last names
I don't know how many of these use one of the parent's last names
as a middle name - seems fairly common but I don't have a number.
There are 17 kids where everyone in the family has the same last
name. In at least one of these, everyone is using the mom's last
name. May be more like this but I can't tell from the roster.
One interesting note: there are 3 sets of siblings at the school,
all have parents with two different names. Family #1 both boys
use the father's name, Family #2 both girls use a hyphenated
name, Family #3 older daughter uses both names with a space,
second daughter uses father's name only.
So, if this is a typical preschool in Berkeley, it looks like
nearly three quarters of Berkeley preschool kids have parents
with different last names. In about two-thirds of these, the
children are using the father's last name. But there are many
different naming styles.
Ginger
We hyphenated our daughters' last names, so I am biased toward that option. I will
say that we have had no negative impact of that (her kindergarten teacher is happy
that she has more letters to practice!) and in many circumstances my husband and I
each just use one name (i.e. when I sign her up for a class, I just use my name). The
only time it seems to make a difference is when we fly, especially when one parent
flies alone with the kids it is helpful if there is some overlap between the names.
Otherwise, I will say that whatever the father's name is, and however it is placed
(middle, second part of a hyphen, etc.) there will be some people who just assume
that the father's name is the ''real'' last name, so he doesn't have to worry about
being left out. If you are absolutely against hyphenating, then I say go for having
the mom's name as the last one.
--pro-hyphen mom
My eldest son has my last name, and his two younger siblings have
my partner's (the father of all 3) last name . Each of our
children's names have something from both sides of the family.
It's not a big deal at all. There are a lot of children nowadays
with their mother's last name and even a few families like ours
who split them up. People around here barely bat an eye and I
haven't had any trouble elsewhere either.
---Sophie
I missed the original posting, but we gave our son his father's
last name as a last name and my last name as the second of two
middle names.
ED
I missed the original posting, but we gave our daughter her
mother's last name and our son his father's
last name.
DJM
Sept 2004
We gave our daughter a beautiful and very unusual name. At
times, we are happy with it. However, sometimes we are in doubt.
Other people have a lot of trouble pronouncing the name, and not
many people can remember it. And when people do try to repeat or
remember the name, they come up with something completely
different! I am having so many questions about this -- should I
have named her something else? Will she hate this name (and us
for giving it to her) when she is in school?
?
I too have a challenging name. When I was growing up, I disliked
it because it was so unusual and nobody could pronounce it.
However, when I reached Jr. high school I began to appreciate
that I had a unique name. Now that I'm in my 30's I find it
hysterical when people mispronounce or misspell it. I have
created what I call the the ''Names of Shame'' list that I post on
a bright piece of paper in my cubicle at work. I cut out and
tape every variation of of my name that is sent to me. The
purpose of this is mostly to amuse myself, but I have found that
it actually helps others to remember how to say and spell my
name correctly. Perhaps, this (or a variation of) is a game
that you and your daughter could play.
There will always be people who won't be able to pronounce her
name easily, but overall, most (with practice) will be able to.
Don't regret the beautiful gift you gave her!
ms. g
I'm sure my parents never thought that my name would cause me so
much grief, but it does. You don't say the name you gave your
daughter so I can only guess that it is more complicated than
mine, as my name is fairly simple and straitforward, though it
is two names put together. It never ceases to amaze me how many
different names, spellings and pronunciations it generates. What
really gets me is when I introduce myself with my full name and
people feel the need to shorten it to one name! If that's what I
wanted to be called, that's how I would introduce myself! My
initial reaction was ''Yes, change it now!'' While it's not too
late (I assume your child is an infant as you did not say how old
she is), but on second thought, I felt maybe there is a nickname
or a middle name she could go by and be introduced as, so that
when she grows up, if she chooses to, she can change her name if
she finds it to be tremendously challenging or irritating to her.
In a area where we live with many cultures and all walks of life,
it surprises me that people aren't more considerate and
conscienteous of pronouncing peoples names (and remembering
them!) At any rate, though it does irritate me to no end how
people can and do mispronounce, shorten or even change (Mary
Ann?) my name, I very much like my name and would never change
it. I would give your daughter the same choice.
Anne Marie, please
I have a somewhat unusual name (Vandy) and everyone always gets
it wrong (Mandy, Candy, Sandy, Bambi, Vanity, Dandy, Randy,
etc). Also, people often mistakenly think I will be Mr. when I
am a Ms. And there are spelling issues, even if someone hears
me right (Vandi, Vandee, Vendy, etc). And it is always a bit of
work to say ''no, actually it's VANDY, with a V like VICTOR''...
(and once someone even translated that to MANVY, go figure! We
almost lost our dinner reservation because of it...)
But you know, given all that, I have had a ball having an
unusual name. When I tell someone my name, and they actually
hear it right, it causes conversation to start right then ''Wow,
I have never heard that before. Where does it come from, etc
etc''. Does your daughter's name have a story behind it?
Because that has been important for me -- and believe me, people
will ask her. (My dad read my name in a book when he was young
and decided when he had a daughter this would be her name. Its
a science fiction story, so its kind of funny to tell people
that.) I always grew up feeling kind of uniquely me, because I
was the only one I knew with my name. I would say that in
balance all the misunderstandings and spelling mistakes do not
even come close to outweighing the fun of having a unique name.
I would never trade it! I think it is great you gave her the
gift of an unusual name that will be HERS. Maybe the right
thing to do is to help your daughter to think of easy ways to
respond to the main questions she will get : how to help people
easily spell her name (without spelling the entire thing), where
her name comes from, what her name means, etc.
Vandy (not Bambi!) for 36 years now
Speaking as someone with the most boring name ever, I am willing
to bet that your daughter will appreciate her name when she's an
adult. I don't know about during school though... I wonder about
this as well, for our son who also has an unusual name. We
thought about that when naming him, but decided that if his name
bothers him, he can go by an easier nickname, or his middle name
which is more common. If it becomes an issue, why don't you let
her come up with a nickname or use a middle name? I applaud you
for being creative!
Jen
Hi,
We also fell in love with an unusual name for our daughter, and I
had the same concerns. But she's almost 5 now, and loves her
name, as do we. Once people get to know her, and have seen her
name written down, they seem to have no trouble remembering it.
I figure the only people who will continue to have trouble are
strangers or acquaintances, and that won't matter in the long
run. She came home from her new preschool the other day and
announced, out of the blue, ''My teachers and friends think I have
a beautiful name!'' That settled it for me!
Much Prefer Unique Names!
My immigrant parents gave me a name that is very common in their
country, Gizella. As a kid I was called ''godzilla'', some adults
pronounced it ''gazelle'' and I was teased with ''gorilla''. I would
say it only bothered me because I was shy. I also had a big nose
so it's hard to say what was worse. To cope, I sometimes said I
was ''Giselle'' which sounds so french! But I wouldn't say that I
blamed my parents. I also had a really hard last name but even
after two marriages, I kept it! Go figure. It can be an ice
breaker and I would say a name can be like hair: curly haired
girls want it straight, straight haired girls curl it. I can tell
you, though, I was so relieved in high school when one of the
most popular, gorgeous girls was named: Dorcas!!
Gizella and proud!
I had the same exact worries when my daughter was a newborn
until about the time she was 3 or so. IN fact, when she was a few
weeks old we changed the pronouncition so now it seems a bit
easier, but there were still annoying people who claim not
to be able to pronounce/remember it. *However*, not a single
child has ever had a problem with it! , nor a single teacher or
other comitted adult. She loves her name now, as a first grader.
When she was a toddler, we gave her a nickname so that
neighbors who claimed to have trouble with her name could
call her by a more standard american name. She now vehemently
corrects anyone who calls her by that old nickname and guess
what? Those same people who had trouble now remember her name and
say it just fine. Many adults say to her ''What a beautiful
name!'' and she proudly explains its origins. For kids, it's
no more different than any of the names they are hearing, as
far as I can tell.
I say: stand by your daughter's beautiful name
and she'll be proud of it someday.
Karen
Whether your child hates her name might depend on her personality; for
example, from a very early age I liked to differentiate myself from my
peers, and my unusual name helped me to do that. A more conformist
personality might have more issues with an unusual name. It's also
true that about 85% of the people I encounter in my life on a casual
basis haven't a clue how to pronouce it, and about half of those
people *never* learn no matter how many times I tell them. Nowadays,
I correct people once and then not again. And yes, people remember it
incorrectly all the time and call me things like ''Natasha.'' Have
you considered giving her a nickname that's easier for people to
pronouce? One final thought -- does the name sound similar to
something she'd prefer not to be associated with? This is something
to take under consideration. My mother's given name was Berilla, and
the kids called her Gorilla. She changed to her middle name as a
teen. (But she still gave me an unusual and hard-to-pronounce name.)
Well, this may not be what you want to hear, but....
There has certainly been a trend toward ''exotic'' names in the
last few years. I suppose it's a reaction to the ''Jennifer''
phenomenon when I was a kid...and having been one of those kids
with a very popular name, I will admit that going through school
being referred to as ''Sara Pee'' (for the first initial of my
surname) was demeaning, to say the least (hee hee...just
occurred to me that I could say it rhymes with ''therapy''....)
That said -- when my daughter was born, I wanted to give her a
distinctive name which people would nonetheless be able to
spell. Our family surname is hard enough for most people to
handle!
I can't tell you how many adults have come up to me and
congratulated me on giving my daughter a ''normal'' name. I think
there is a strong feeling among a lot of grown people (in both
my own and older generations) that exotic names are
undesirable. There have been several studies reported in the
news lately where people with exotic names, but the same
qualifications, could not get job interviews.
So...I know from experience that popular names are not really an
asset, and it also seems that exotic names aren't much of one,
either. Finding a ''happy medium'' is very challenging. You
don't say how old your daughter is -- if she's a few months old,
you could always start using her middle name, or come up with a
more ''conventional'' nickname. If she's much more than a year,
though, you should probably wait...in middle school, she'll
probably come up with something all her own GRIN....
Sara
I can't remember if I have ever responded to an advice request
before, but I just had to respond to this one. I have a very
unusual name, and no, I did not always like it as a child.
People constantly mispronounced it (still do), and I was often
teased about it. Other kids (including my own sister) would
make up jokes using my name. Also, people often won't say my
name because they are afraid of mispronouncing it, even after
they have heard it.
That said, I am now very happy to have an unusual name. I think
I came to terms with it by high school. Now, it is a
conversation starter, and I get lots of compliments on it. I
explain its origin and make jokes about having been born in the
sixties. I don't mind having to correct people's pronunciation
of it, though sometimes I don't even bother. Now, I like its
uniqueness.
When it came time to name my own son, I didn't want to choose an
ordinary name. But my husband and I did decide to pick
something that most people have at least heard of, and I did
want something that is spelled the way it sounds. I really like
the fact that he is almost always the only kid in a group with
his name.
Looking back, yes, it would have been easier to have a more
common name, or at least a name that people could pronounce just
from its spelling, but now I wouldn't change my name for any
other.
So, I guess my advice is: enjoy your creativity in choosing your
daughter's name, be prepared for her not to like it and help her
cope with the mispronunciation, teasing, etc., and hope that she
comes to appreciate how unique it is. My bet is that she will,
though it may be many years from now.
If you have more questions, feel free to contact me!
Naissa
I have a difficult name and remember teachers stumbling over it
and the embarrassment it caused. When naming our daughter, we
went with a name that's tough to say and spell but we call her
by her more ''normal'' middle name. She can choose Rhiannon or
Chase when she's older. She knows and responds to both now (20
months).
Gwyneth
I have a very unusual name, and so does one of my sisters, and we
both love it. I have another friend with a fairly unusual name
who feels the same. I think having a rare name reinforces the
idea as you grow that you are unique in all the world and there
can be no other you.
As a child when people had trouble with my name I always saw them
as slightly dim-witted (how could they not know how to pronounce
the most common word in the language?!) and didn't take it as any
reflection on my name. Also, other children will not have trouble
with an unusual name - most names are still new to young children.
Adults do, however, have a hard time which can be awkward. I tell
people who ask how to pronounce my name that it is a hard name
and they should feel free to ask me again later if they forget.
And of course my name is mis-spelled often and I was called
''Charles'' on the first day of school in many classes.
That said, I do know of two teenagers who left behind their
unusual names and took on everyday names instead. There's no way
to predict how your child will feel, so if that is your main
concern, I say enjoy the name you've chosen, help adults learn it
with patience, and wait and see what your child thinks later.
Likely your child will see it as a special gift and inseparable
from her sense of self, especially if you see it that way too.
- Charis
My name is not all that unusual, but it is pronounced differently
that it is spelt. This has caused a lot of problems over the
years. Virtually every teacher in school, even thru college,
insisted on mispronouncing my name, even after repeated
corrections. Hence, almost all my school friends mispronounced it
too. As an adult, I finally gave up on trying to get people to
say it right. I'd say that about 75% of everone I know says it
wrong! . Right or wrong, I often judge people negatively if after I
introduce myself they start to prononce it the other way. It
shows that they're not listening.
Socially, people stumble, stutter, mumble, get flustered,
confused, and embarassed over my name, and I HATE this. It is a
social barrior.
I've thought about changing the spelling of my name, to match the
phonetics, but it too much of a hassle, and as I've gotten older,
I care less. But boy, as a kid and young adult I did care. It was
humiliating, and as I was shy, the stumbling over it was painful.
I'd suggest that you come up with a fun, short, easy to
understand and pronounce nickname that she can use at school.
She's going to need it.
Still blaming mom for misspelling my name
I am in a similar situation as your
daughter but I can't blame my parents as both my first and last
name are not uncommon in my homecountry. In the U! S it's a
different story: My last name is pretty much unpronouncable for
most people and my first name, although easily pronounced
properly by most Americans (it's pronounced like ''Tina'' just
without the T), is either pronounced wrong (''Ayna''), if they see
it written down, or spelled wrong (''Ena'' or ''Eena''), if they hear
it.
It's also not funny in a business environment, when a person who
only read your name before mispronounces your first name each
time they adress you. It's a really awkward situation if that
person is higher up in the hierarchy, especially if there are
always other people around and he introduces you to others with
the wrong pronounciation. Also I really pitty my boss for having
to introduce me to other people (although he pronounces my last
name pretty well). It's also really annoying to have to spell
your name all the time.
Ina
Okay, since I haven't seen any short responses to the original
post as of yet, I'll add my own long-winded two cents here.
My parents gave me an uncommon, easy-to-mispronounce,
easy-to-misspell name and I was mad at them for much of my
childhood for them doing so! Do you know the frustration of not
being able to find one's name on those toy nameplate things as a
kid?! It's as though the toy manufacturers forgot about you, or
something. Also, by temperament, I was a naturally reserved kid
in school and the discomfort of having to correct teachers and
classmates on the pronounciation of my name (usually I didn't)
just added to my shyness. My middle name wasn't much better, as
it is a Chinese name that in English sounds like ''Why Me''...so
that was pretty much my state throughout my early school
years--why me?
By some fluke chance in middle school, my friends gave me a
nickname based on a shorted version of my given name, and the
nickname was a common, easy-to pronounce English name, so that
stuck through my adult years, and made personal interactions with
people much easier. A few years ago, I decided to go back to my
given name and I feel that as an approaching-middle-age adult I
can handle the mispronounciations or ''what-was-your-name-again?''
much more gracefully. Also since my given name has shown up in
the popular media, it gives people a much better hook to remember
my name (e.g. Clarice Starling in ''Silence of the Lambs'';
Princess Clarisse in ''The Princess Diaries''). So I feel like
I've finally grown into my given name and these days appreciate
the name's uniqueness.
I say giving a child a name is such a personal thing for the
parents; and I'm sure parents have the best hopes for their
children in naming them. So if you as a parent really like the
name you've chosen for your child and don't wish to alter it with
a more common nickname, give your child some skills to
confidently help people pronounce and remember their name (like,
''rhymes with...'' or likening it to a character in popular media
or explaining to your child why you chose that name for him/her
with a reason other than ''we just liked the way it sounds'').
Teach your child to say his/her name aloud confidently and show
enthusiasm that you've picked out such a cool name for your child.
My name is Clarisse but I've given my own two children non-challenging
names
I've enjoyed the discussion of names. It is difficult to balance all the competing
factors in choosing a name that both parents like, that is unusual enough that they
won't have 5 other kids with the same name in their class, that is reasonably easy to
spell and pronounce, that honors one's culture and ancestry, that doesn't sound like
something silly or disgusting and provoke teasing, etc. etc. I very much believe in
giving kids with very ''grown-up'' names easy nicknames as kids. But mainly I am
writing to recommend a children's book on this topic called ''Chrysanthemum'' by
Kevin Henkes. Very cute and unusual name-affirming.
Happy with my uncommon, old-fashioned name
Feb 2004
We would like to change the name of our child, born about 10
days ago, as in the haze at the hospital we chose a name that
now seems wrong!! In contacting the state, etc. this seems to
be a bureaucratic nightmare. Has anyone had experience going
through this process, esp. how long it might take, whether a
lawyer is necessary, etc...? We were told that it might take up
to a year, which would be ok, but we might be travelling
internationally in the next 6 months and therefore need a
passport for the child which requires a birth certificate. Is
there any reason to just wait and do the name change at a more
convenient time, say in a year?
It is not a big deal to change a baby's name. We went through
the same thing 2 years ago....after leaving Alta Bates had a
change of heart about her name & it was too late to change the
birth certificate. As she was also about a week old we just
announced the new name to friends & family & I bought the Nolo
Press book about changing a name. I did not use a lawyer...filed
court papers myself. The book explains everything...you have to
place an ad in a local paper & file papers & ultimately appear
in court. We filed papers in Jan. Feb. of 2002 & had a court
date in 4/2002. The only drawback is that her birth certificate
will always have the original name & an amendment has the new
name. I feel badly & hope my daughter won't be too upset with
that when she is an adu! lt. Some aquaintances made stupid remarks
& I still feel a bit silly about the whole thing but it was not
a big deal and not too much of a hassle.
A Rose is a Rose
We did something similar in the haze after the birth - we misspelled
our
son's name (one l too many). We actually went back to the hospital and
they just issued another ''confirmation of birth'' (name?) with the
right
spelling. I guess since it was ''just'' the confirmation and not the
actual
birth certificate it was relatively easy. Don't know if that applies to
changing the name altogether though.
good luck!
Bea
May 2002
How do I go about changing my child's middle name?? I know this
is a strange question -- there's nothing scandalous about this
desire to change it, mostly I just regret not using this
particular name in the first place...and now know I won't have
another child, so want her to have this middle name. She is a
toddler so isn't aware of her full name. Do I start with her
birth certificate? Social security?
Thanks for your help,
Beth
This is what I had to do to change the spelling of my daughters
middle name:
Contact or go to the place that holds your childs birth
certificate. (City that baby was born. In Berkeley that is the
City of Berkeley, Vital Records Dept., 2344 SIXTH Street. Get an
''Application to Amend a Record''. There is a fee if baby is over a
year old. Maybe it is the same process for changing the name.
good Luck
I changed my last name using a guide from Nolo Press. The guide
(I forgot the title) was amazingly easy to use. I just followed
the steps, one, two, three. Nolo is located in Berkeley, but I
believe I used the website. Oh, one requirement is that a notice
be published in a local paper. There is a cheap one (~$90?) just
two blocks from the courthouse where you have to go to file the
papers, assuming you're in Alameda County.
Kim
We're in the process of changing our child's middle name as
well. It's relatively straightforward, but time consuming and
rather expensive. I suggest you purchase a book through NoLo
Press called, ''Changing Your Name in California'' (you can order
it off their web site). They provide very easy instructions
and all of the paperwork you will need. You MUST file for a
name change through the courts in order to make the name change
legal.
Jill
I previously posted an advice about name changing, as we had
done so some years back. Again, let me emphasize that in
California, changing your last/first/middle name does NOT
require any court procedure whatsoever. The only thing you need
to do legally in this state is file a Social Security form and
notify the DMV. Nothing more, nothing less. So don't waste your
time with Nolo Press or put an add in the paper as adviced by
previous postings. This is California after all..
From another name changer.
In a recent post, someone emphatically said that ''...in
California, changing your last/first/middle name does NOT
require any court procedure whatsoever.'' I'm sorry to say that
this is NO LONGER THE CASE, at least for adults such as my
husband. The laws in California have CHANGED in the past year or
two. My husband just did a name change in December of 2001--it
now DOES require the paperwork, filing fees, etc. Believe me, we
regretted not having gotten around to it sooner! I would
recommend Nolo Press, as many others have done, to find out what
the current requirements are.
Dawn
April 2002
Although I can't really say much about changing back to
your maiden name, I can empathize with you on the cross-
ethnic last name issue. I also married someone who is of
different ethnicity recently, and had the same issues - I'm
Korean and my husband is African-American. Although he has
a nice last name, and it flows relatively well with my
name, I felt like my married name doesn't look like me, and
like you said, the shoe just doesn't seem to fit.
Also, people will just have assumptions about me when they
meet me, like, ''oh, she's married or she's adopted -it's
*obviously* not her real name''. I figured it's no one's
business about my marital status.
Although I love my new family, and my father didn't really
accept our marriage (all the more reason to change your
name), I still felt like I was losing my identity. So,
luckily, my husband is very open-minded about this, and
left it up to me. So I decided to keep my name. I have a
feeling that if I did change it, and wanted to change it
back later, he would support me, because he understands the
importance of your ethnic identity, and identity as a
woman. Good luck with your decision!
Jenny
I never changed my name, but sometimes there's confusion
with the kids. I merely use my own name EXCEPT when dealing
with the kids' school or doctor stuff, at which time I just
hyphenate with my husband's/their last name. Totally
informal, and everybody's happy.
Good luck,
''Mrs. Howitt''
After being married for almost four years I switched
back to my maiden name. I regretted having given up
my family name and I wanted the association to my
mother who had recently died. I also wanted to have a
different name than my husband for professional
reasons because I was joining the company where he
worked and I wanted to make my own way with our
international customers before they learned that I was
married to a high-level person in the company. We
didn't have children yet so my name change didn't have
any impact on our kids. My husband was very
understanding and supportive of my decision. We are
celebrating our 15-year anniversary this week and have
two children with my name as their middle name and
my husband's as their last name. Good luck with your
decision.
liz
My wife and I didn't like my last name for different
reasons. She didn't like the sound of it, I've always
wanted to ''cut away'' from my family because of many
personal reasons. So, we simply decided to change it to a
completely different name we both liked and we feel great
about having done so. Surprisingly, no one had ever made a
negative comment about it. Both sides of the family
accepted and respected our decision. It's very easy in this
state, just change your SSN and your drivers license. Those
are the only legal requirements. No court or legal papers.
Get ready though for tons of postal and work-related
changes, credit cards etc. But it was all worth it!
I was exactly in your shoes a few years ago when I reverted
to my maiden name. I had the same ambivalent feelings
that you have now about sharing the surname of an entire
family who has been less than accepting of me. As for our
child (and future little ones), her middle name is my maiden
name, and her last name is the same as dad's. Although
technically we are not a hyphenated family, folks end up
calling us the ''maiden name - surname'' family, which is
totally fine.
Miki
I didn't catch your original request for advice, so I hope this
submission isn't completely off base. Judging from the other
posts though I thought my situation would interest you. My
husband and I chose to change our last name a couple of years
ago. We anounced our name change in our baby invitations. For
the first 10 years of our union, we had tried all the common last
name variations for married couples and found none of them fully
satisfying--for medical and bureaucratic records, sharing my
husband's last name had proved most expeditious; but for a sense
of personal identity, retaining each of our father's last names
was the obvious choice; hyphenating was both a bureaucratic mess
and a confusing mouthful. We finally agreed that we like sharing
a last name because it honors our union, but we disliked the fact
that it seems random (at best) that I should give up my name
simply because I'm female to achieve this ''shared'' identity as a
new family. Over the course of our years together we had casually
toyed with the possibility of taking on a completely new last
name together and made a game of tossing out new names to try on.
During our 10th anniversary we finally agreed on ''Moriarty.''
There was no special meaning to be found in this particular
name other than that it was the very first one we agreed on
equally. When we anounced the change (which we processed easily
through the county court--Nolo Press sells a good book on name
changes)
we assured our friends that it wasn't our intent to confuse
anyone or to slight our families-of-origin. Rather, we wished to
honor our union with a shared identity that we both came to
equally and could share equally with our new child who was on the
way. We don't mind being called by whatever name people know us
best by. Just another option. BTW, there is a growing trend in
revisiting our naming traditions
http://weddings.about.com/library/weekly/aa051898.htm
Donna
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