Berkeley Parents Network: The Morning Rush

Berkeley Parents Network

The Morning Rush

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Parenting, Families, & the Community > The Morning Rush

Leaving the House on Time (8 yr old)

Teens & the morning crunch

Breakfast Battles

Getting Kids up in the morning

Leaving the House on Time

Feb 2000

Please help me with your suggestions on getting a child and mom out the door HAPPILY on weekday mornings. My son is 8 1/2 and I am a single mom trying to get to work by 8:30 a.m. He wants me to get him up earlier (alarm clocks don't awaken him) however, if I get him up at 7:00 he wants to take a shower, then he stands in there for 10-20 minutes, he can't find this or that, comes to breakfast half dressed, then just when I'm walking out the door he can't find his backpack, and the rest of his homework, when I had asked him earlier to gather this stuff. All of these problems are not new, we have battled over the same thing weekly, over the past few years. Uggh. I'm SO tired of having to ask him to do every little thing EVERY DAY (often being ignored)! And I hate being a nag, and feel very guilty, when I start saying mean threats (like, you will have to pay $5 for every wet towel left on the ground.) And it is very hurtful and frightening when my son responds with "why don't you move to New Jersey!" etc. There are a lot of good aspects to our relationship and i don't want to damage these. Obviously, neither of us is doing a good job solving our morning problem. I'm wondering what people mihgt have to offer for suggestions. Thank You.

To the mom and 8 1/2 year old who need help getting out the door. This is tricky because kids don't understand time the way adults do, and don't understand the consequences of being late. What we finally did at our house, which so far is working quite well, is establish a system of positive rewards. Our daughter is 9, and our son is 5, and we have gone through what it sounds like you are going through now. We need to leave the house by 7:45 to get everyone to their respective school rooms and workplaces on time. So, we've told the kids that they need to be ready by 7:35. If they have eaten breakfast, dressed themselves, brushed their teeth, and brushed their hair by that time, they get a sticker on the calendar. If, at the end of the month, they have a sticker on 90% of the days (we don't count weekends and holidays), they get a book or toy of their choice. If they have earned stickers on less than 90% of the days they get an extra popsicle or ice cream cone. They protest very loudly if they do not earn a sticker, but you have to stick to it to make it work. And it does work.

Hi, your story sounds just like my life up to two weeks ago. My son is 9, and getting out of the house, or into bed on time has been worse than a challenge. I could never get him to do anything, like shower, brush his teeth or do his homework without a struggle that usually ended up involving threats of dire consecuences or bribes of some sort, he was very dependent on my doing things for him. Our interactions always became verbally combative. I hated the way we talked to each other. He was very unhappy.

My son as of two weeks is a cooperative, happy child. He pops out of bed each morning and immediately proceeds to dress himself, brush his hair etc. He packs his backpack with his lunch, gets his violin, remembers to put his homework in, puts his shoes on with no argument, etc. etc. I have to hurry to keep up with him and do my part like have his lunch ready and get his breakfast. We haven't had an argument in two weeks about what he's having for breakfast (he used to not answer me when I'd ask him what he wanted then he'd have a fit because he didn't want what I'd prepared). When we come home from school he rushes to do his homework if he hasn't finished it at his afterschool care (I couldn't get him to do it there before), he asks if he can take his shower before dinner, he comes running to dinner when I call, and does a chore, practices his piano, gets ready for bed and calls me to read to him. All of this without may saying one single thing. I don't remind him, I don't push him! My life has changed. I have time now in the evenings!

How? What book did I read? Method did I apply? Well, it's called the "Dry erase board method". Two weeks ago, through a misdunderstanding I ended up getting my son a dry erase board. He was having an anxiety attack all the way home trying to figure out what he would use it for. Then he decided I would use it to write his schedule. He divided the board in half and asked me to write his morning schedule on one side and the afternoon schedule on the other. In the mean time he used his bulleting board to pin up what he wanted for breakfast the whole week. The next morning I whispered in his ear "get up, it's 7:30 and you need to get up to stay on schedule". He popped out of bed and that's the way it's been ever since. Now he challenges himself to beat his schedule so his free time (which he gets in the morning and the afternoon) is longer. He's happy, cooperative and now does things I don't even ask. He loves not being told what to do and feels like he's in control. I hope this helps. If you want to talk more about it please post your email or ask the moderator to forward an email to me. I'd be happy to talk to you.

My son is only 3 1/2 years old. But, unfortunately, we often have the same problem in the morning. My solution to this problem has been to prepare everything the night before. For example, my son chooses his own school clothes for the next day, -- including underwear, socks and shoes, jackets, hats, etc. -- and places them on his dresser so that he can easily find them in the morning. (I have removed all "summer clothes" from his closet so that they are not a option from which he can choose.) He takes a bath / shower the night before. He only washes the critical areas in the morning, i.e., his face, his teeth and his private parts. All homework is completed and placed by the front door. At night, I check to ensure that his clothing choices are appropriate, that his homework is in his bag and that his bag is by the door.

In the morning, I wake him up 5 - 10 minutes before I really want him up. This gives him time to fully wake up, to stretch and to yawn before he needs to get into gear.

The only time that this "plan" has not worked, is when my son decides that he wants to wear something other than what he has chosen the night before. In this case, I remind him that he chose this particular outfit. If he wants to wear something different, he has to wait until tomorrow. If he continues to argue or whine, he will forfeit t.v. time or a special snack / dessert later in the evening. I stick to the "punishment" in the evenings with a reminder that "this morning's behavior is the reason why you do not get XYZ". I also do not stand and argue with him in the morning. When I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. He knows that he had better be ready as well. Inevitably, he picks up the pace so that I don't leave him (which I have never done). I'm not sure how well this will work on an 8 year old.

I am sorry that this has gotten long-winded. But, my point is that taking a few extra minutes at night seems to save alot of headache and heartache in the morning.

My advice on leaving the house on time is to get as organized as possible the night before. This means taking baths or showers, making lunches, choosing and laying out clothes and shoes, getting homework in backbacks and jackets located and on the couch, and anything else that can be done early. I have two kids to get out the door, a 7 year old girl and 10 year old boy, and my husband and I change off who gets this task. The other one gets to say good bye and escape before the race begins. No TV in the morning either. This is brutal, but in order for the kids to get enough sleep and for my husband and I to get to work before 8:00, I wake them up at 7:00 and we're out the door by 7:20 or so, assuming all goes well. The best we do for breakfast is toast or dry cereal, eaten in the car, but neither child is at all hungry in the morning and eats more at snack time. Of course, I'd love to tell you that the kids do all the organizing the night before, but in fact, I do it. Not a pretty picture, but all they have to do is get up, get dressed and go, and it works for us. In fact, half the time, I get the 7 year old dressed, just to keep things moving. Good luck - there don't seem to be easy answers for all of us who don't have morning people for children.

As the mother of 3 procrastinators, the youngest of whom is 8, all of whom are very disorganized, I have some thoughts on your problem. First, get the backpack and homework organized and at the front door before going to bed. Make sure you know where the shoes, clean clothes, etc. are at night, too. Will your son respond to clothes laid out for him, or (like my 8 year old) will he just crumple those up like they are dirty (leaving you more washing to do) and pick out others. If he'll put on what's laid out for him, get that out at night too. For the shower in the morning (I assume he won't do it at night), set limits on how late it can be for him to still get a shower. If he isn't in by a certain time, he can't shower then. (Wish I could get my 12 year old to shower at all!!!) I have to say if I waited for my 8 year old to get everything together, it would never happen. When he's done with his homework, I take it and put it in his backpack. The 12 year old never remembered anything for school at 8, or 9, or 10, but now is very good about packing everything up (usually at night), so there is hope! Good luck.

re getting out of the house in the morning: My son is 9, and we finally came up with a list of things that he must do in the mornings. It's posted in his room and on the fridge. I listed the things in order and broke them down into fairly small steps: eat breakfast; clean up breakfast dishes; put on shirt; put on pants; brush teeth; check that homework is in backpack; check that lunch is in backpack; put backpack by the door; put on socks; put on shoes; put on sunscreen; feed fish and cats (his job); clean up room. Obviously, I put the most crucial items first. He really likes the sense of independence that this list gives him. And I don't have to remember and carp and remind him what to do. All I say is, "What's next on your list?" He'll usually consult it and proceed. (He rarely gets to the last item, but it's helpful to have it there for times when he IS ready and is bouncing around distracting ME.) You might consider some sort of reward system by which he earns points for completing his list without reminders for X many days. Or let him do some cherished activity in the morning AFTER he's completed the list to your satisfaction. (My kid, an avid reader, has to finish his list before he can read!) Also, rather than nagging, just let your kid suffer the consequences of not having his homework ready to go or not having his lunch in his pack. This may sound a bit harsh, but my kid got a lot more responsible for his belongings when he had to give up a recess for having forgotten his homework, for example, I think it's a good idea to have input from the kid when coming up with the list, so he feels he has some control over how his day starts. As for the shower ... tell him it's at night or not at all. We have also gone thru periods during which my boy puts on his clean clothes at night and sleeps in them.

Read the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber& Elaine Mazlish. It will give many more tips than I can. But writing things on lists and having things ready the evening before helpss. It is of course easier said than done as everyone is exhausted at night. Good luck!

This is a classic problem. I don't know how many times I've heard this hashed out at PTA meetings and other parent get-togethers.

One thing no one ever thinks of: Leaving the house by 8:30 every morning probably isn't your idea of a nifty way to start the day; it's just the way things are. Therefore, the consequences of not being ready come to your son from the larger world. The only things you HAVE to do are:

1. Offer him food
2. Get him to school
3. Make sure he wears a seat belt
4. Do not abuse him in the process.

Things you are not ultimately responsible for include:
1. What s/he's wearing
2. Whether s/he eats
3. Whether s/he brings what s/he needs for school
4. How s/he feels about all this.

By the time a child is 8, s/he is ready to take responsibility for the second list. I suggest you phase yourselves in to this approach. Start by talking about it; maybe say you want to start a new approach, you will start doing it this way next week. Then help him walk through how he can prepare himself (what can he get ready before bed the night before, shall you still wake him and and what time, etc.).

Backup plans include: 1. Put some clothes in a paper bag and, if she's not ready on time, take her in her PJ's and the clothes to change at school. Most children will make sure they're dressed when they realize you will really take them to school in their PJ's; if not, you won't have to do this more than once or twice.

2. If you can't bear to send your child to school on an empty stomach, keep a package of undesirable crackers in the car. These are the kind that no one wants to eat when they get the munchies, but a person who is really hungry will eat them. This way they will be there when you want them.

3. You may have to be brave about the homework that gets left at home. If it's not possible for you to get it, it's better for your child to get a bad grade in grade school than to believe that they can be irresponsible and Mom or Dad will fix it.

4. You may also have to be brave about your child's feelings about facing unpleasant consequences and having to do things they don't want to do. As long as you think the consequences are actually not going to be that traumatic (not likely in this case), it is better for your child to face the consequences of his irresponsibility now than when he is older and the consequences are much more severe.

I know this sounds severe. However, you didn't make a world that requires children to be at school when they would rather be asleep or watching TV. Your job is to teach them how to meet these obligations, and it isn't easy. It takes a lot of courage and a willingness to let your child be unhappy about the way things are. It isn't your fault. I hope this helps. ---------- Here are some strategies that work for me to get myself and 1 1/2 year old out the door on time in the morning. I don't know about you, but I am often in "time-denial" and think I can get more done than is possible in a given amount of time.

- Prepare as much as possible the night before: lunches (yours and his), backpacks, coats, shoes, keys, etc. Put all things by the door (other than lunches, of course). If you are apt to forget the lunch in the fridge, put a note on top of the backpack.

- Make a commitment with yourself to leave the house at a time that gives you plenty of time to get in the car and get to your destination. It's a wonder what arriving early will do for your stress level. You may find that with a more relaxed attitude on your part, your son will be more cooperative.

- Not having an eight year old, I can't say what amount of time is right for a shower, but 20 minutes sounds like too long. What about using a timer (maybe a fun one in the shape of an animal or vegetable -- available at cooking stores) so that he knows when he has to get out of the shower. Perhaps this is a case where a reward system is merited. I recall a parent describing a system she used for her child who wanted to sleep in the parents' bed that might work for you. It involved having a jar of marbles, maybe twenty or so. Everytime the child did the desired behavior (sleeping in her bed all night), she got to take a marble out of the parents' jar and put it in her own. As she continued to do the desired behavior, her jar of marbles grew, and that's something every kid can appreciate. If she chose to sleep in her parents' bed, then she had to give them a marble. Once she had all the marbles in her jar, she got a reward of her choice which was decided upon at the start of the whole process. Perhaps this will work with your son. If he takes his shower in 10 minutes or less, then he gets a marble. If he goes over, he has to give you a marble. As soon as he has all the marbles, he gets the reward you have mutually decided on in the beginning. I hope some or all of this helps. Good luck!

I assume you are already getting as much done the night before as you can---that homework should be in his backpack before he goes to bed.

As for the other stuff --- How about offering him a reward for getting ready to walk out the door on time? What does he love? For my 8 year old, it's GameBoy time. Ever since he got his GameBoy at Christmas, he can play it as soon as he is ready to go to school in the morning (dressed, breakfasted, *socks on*, etc.). Now most mornings he is ready to go before I am. It won't last forever, but when the GameBoy loses it's shine, I'll look for something else. Also these bribes (ahem, *incentives* :-) seem to help by getting them in the habit of complying. Good luck!

I have been struggling to leave house on time with my 2.5 years old ever since she went to day care 4 months ago. Coincidentally, I wrote a memo (to myself and potentially my friends) yesterday detailing ways to cope with this problem. Here is a summary. Other than the obvious thing to do: getting up early yourself,

1. Most importantly, plan ahead! Prepare breakfast to the extent possible. Have lunch boxes and backpacks ready! Prepare anything else that can be prepared the night before. In your case, this can involve taking the shower/bath the night before. And choosing the outfit ahead of time and lay them next to his bed (including underwear, socks, hat, etc.). Ask him to choose them.

2. Teach the child what to expect in a fun way. For example, I wrote a "week song" (Sunday, church, Monday-Friday preshcool,...) and a "routine song." (get up, say good morning, go potty, wash face, ...breakfast...). With singing and fun, the tasks can go a bit smoother. This is geared toward toddlers. For an eight-year-old, I guess you can try to set up clear goals, for example, finish breakfast by 7:30, be out of the door by 7:45. Make them their goals too not only yours.

3. Give them choices: ask them to choose which socks to wear, then they may have more interests to put them on themselves. Encourage them to do it. Same goes for shirt, jacket, etc. Only have two sets of choices available. Otherwise, it becomes a struggle. This trick helps my toddler to be more cooperative (not running away from me when I say time to put on...). A basic principle is to involve them more and try to make routine things more fun! More examples: say or sing hello, good morning to the clothes, cereal; imagine pants/sleeves are tunnels for trains to go through with sound (chacha too-too-). For older kids, you can involve them in baking muffins, devil eggs, (the night or Sunday before) etc.

Do not cut corners on breakfast, a very important meal to start off the day. Hope this helps and happy parenting, a continuous learning process.

The question about getting out of the house in the morning turned up at the same time on both the Advice Line and Parents of Teens newsletters, though one was for an 8-year-old and one for a 12-year-old. (see Teens & the morning crunch for that advice.)

My kids are 14 and 17. The morning rush can be a huge drag and I can remember some really nasty early morning yelling episodes when the older one was 13. Everything ticked him off. What a way to start the day, huh? Mine have always gotten their own breakfast since they were old enough to pour milk, and they've been getting to school on their own - walking or catching the bus - since 2nd grade. But they were both 13 or 14 before they were really waking themselves up, getting out of bed, showering and dressing without any intervention from me. I feel certain other parents must be more successful than I was at this. But that was my experience plain and simple, despite years of trying to get them to do it on their own. The 14-year-old until this school year never heard the alarm go off, or would turn it off and go back to sleep, or would argue with me, in his sleep, about what time it was and how much time he needed to get out of the house. So for some kids it may just be a matter of getting older.

Here are some ideas that worked for me:
- let them pick out their own alarm clock - I recommend one with a radio so they can wake up to their own music. My kids also like big numbers on the display and they like auto shut-off. They listen to the radio while they are getting dressed and then it cuts off after they leave for school.
- make sure the backpack is packed the night before and waiting by the front door.
- new clothes are very motivational
- let them eat what they want for breakfast and get special treats sometimes
- let them develop their own morning routine. One of my kids always makes the same old Kix every morning and then spends 30 minutes reading the sports page every morning. He always leaves on time. The other one rushes downstairs with 5 minutes to spare, often wants non-traditional breakfast food like a leftover hamburger, or sushi, or a milkshake.
- if they are grouchy when they get up (mine are), don't talk to them. They don't seem to mind if you hang out in the kitchen while they are eating though, as long as you don't talk.
- try to spare 15 or 20 minutes of no-stress morning time when you are just hanging out with them - even if you're reading the paper or doing chores at the same time. For me, this has been the time when important topics have come up spontaneously - politics, drugs, sex, fights at school, etc.
- I always give them a good-bye kiss on the cheek as they are leaving (or on the back of the head or in the air when they are rushing by fast). sometimes they try to dodge me but they seem disappointed if I forget and I think it sweetens the morning for all of us.
- Assuming they have an alarm clock, and there is food in the house, at some point you have to leave it to them to get themslves up and out of the house. For me the point was about 14. Let them be late for school if they don't get up in time. When I started leaving the house early a couple mornings a week, they figured out that if they didn't get themselves up, nobody would, and they'd be late. It only took a few days to work.

The approach recommended in preschool, which I only had to use a few times, was just leave when it's leaving time. If child is in p.j.s, they get to school in p.j.s. Seems like this would work well and quickly with an older child, who would be more reluctant to arrive at school half dressed or without lunch bag or backpack. Obviously, in both cases, talk to the kid in a calm, rational, matter of fact tone a day or two before, saying, without apologies or cajoling, that in order to get to work on time, you have to leave the house by x o'clock, and that from now on, it will be his responsibility to be ready by then. Then leave it in his hands (although offer to wake him up at 7:00, if he wishes).

I don't have any real solution, since we routinely leave the house 10 minutes later than we should, but I think it helps a little if you can do some stuff the night before. I try to pack the backpacks (except for the lunches) the night before and leave them by the door. If I am thinking, I put shoes by the door, too, since it can take a good hour to find them sometimes. I'm sure I'm doing my kids irreparable harm by not making them pack their own backpacks, but it's a price I'm willing to pay.

I don't currently deal with this issue, but the first thing that pops to mind is getting more things together and ready the night before. Clothes and backpacks are definitely candidates for this, but breakfast, etc. might also be creatively planned ahead for. Just an idea. Best of luck.

Some suggestions (from another working single mom): pack the backpack the night before and set it by the front door. Pick out clothes (including underwear, shoes, everything) the night before and lay them out on a chair in his room. Make a rule that there will be no morning showers for him on school days. For a while I had success by offering my 9-year-old a quarter every morning that she was ready to leave before me. Her interest in money waxes and wanes, but I would be willing to up it to fifty cents if we were still having frequent problems. I hated those days when one or more of us (I also have a five year old) was furious or in tears when we said good-bye for the day. It is so so so much nicer to leave the house with everyone happy!

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