Managing an Infant and an Older Child
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Managing an Infant and an Older Child
May 2004
I'm a stay-at-home mom of a 4yo boy and a 2-month old girl. My
son is in preschool in the mornings only and has the afternoons
free. I originally thought it would be a good idea for my son
to have short school days so that we could spend the afternoons
together, but since having my baby I have been at a loss as to
how to deal with my son when he's not in school. It seems that
I am always occupied with my daughter (i.e., nursing, burping,
carrying, etc.)and can't seem to find time to play with my son.
My son is an active boy and comes home from school with a lot of
pent-up energy, so suggestions like reading to him or working on
a workbook or puzzle with him while nursing the baby don't work
with him. When he gets home from school, he wants to run around
outside or in the house or have someone get down on the floor
and play trucks with him. If he's not kept occupied, he tends
to act out and climb all over the baby and me while I'm
nursing. We don't have a suitable yard for him to play in at
home and the baby doesn't like the sling or carrier, so I'm at a
loss as to how to handle both of them alone. My husband works
long hours and often travels, so I can't count on him to help
with the kids. My solution so far has been to hire a babysitter
to play with my son when he's not in school, but that option is
becoming quite expensive, especially since I'm not earning an
income. Also, I feel that I'm becoming estranged from my son
since I'm always trying to keep him busy with the babysitter and
away from me and the baby. I suppose one answer is to take both
kids to the park, but what to do when the weather is bad or it's
just too much effort to pack both kids in the car? I've looked
into putting my son into a school program that has longer days,
but that isn't an option for us. What do other folks do in my
situation? Thanks for any replies.
Not managing too well
Go easy on yourself. Your new baby is only two months old, things
will get easier. Take advantage of this time when she isn't
moving and put her down. It sounds to me like you are holding and
carrying her a lot. Where is she when you aren't nursing or
burping her? I literally set my 2nd baby down right away once he
ate and burped and did something with my 2 year old son, who also
demanded quite a bit of attention. The upside of this was that
the baby was happy just to be in the same room as us and wasn't
dependant upon me to hold him all the time. The downside was that
the back of his head got really flat! So just be sure to put your
daughter on her side or tummy sometimes. Its not going to rain
for several months now, so I think you should get out to a park
each day after school. Have your bag packed so when you pick him
up from school, just go straight to the park. Once you're home,
its hard to get motivated to get out again. La Loma is wonderful
for managing two, as it is small and fenced in. Your son can run
around and your daughter can get used to hanging out in her
stroller in between feedings. Hang in there! My boys are now 3.5
and 1.5 and we have a blast together. Been there,
Kim
I so know what you're going through because I was in your shoes
last year. My son was 3 when my daughter was born. My son did
a lot of the same things, like climb on my lap while I was
feeding baby. He also would pretend to be a baby and want to be
bundled up, etc. As much as I could I went along with it.
But believe it or not, last year was actually easier because my
daughter wasn't walking yet and she loved the Baby Bijorn. Now
they take off in different directions! So we could go to parks
and my son (who is also very active) could run around and I
could keep an eye on him. So my first suggestion is to try to
get #2 more comfortable in a sling or Bijorn. It will make
your life a lot easier, especially now that the weather is
going warmer. The best investment I made was a membership at
Habitot. It was a great, safe, fun place for my son to play in
and I could watch (and play with) him while I held the baby.
The other thing that's key is try to schedule playdates with
your son. It was (and still is) actually easier to watch the
older one when he has a playmate to keep him occupied. Another
thing we did was take advantage of free movies at the Emeryvile
theatre, the older one, I can't remember the name of it. I
don't know if they will do it again this year but last summer
they had free movies at 10 am a couple of days a week. It
wasn't first-run movies, but it was kid flicks like Spirit and
Babe. I believe the web site was regalcinemas.com. Good
luck. It's a tough time with a new baby, and I'm sure being
sleep-deprived isn't helping either, but things will get better.
Bobbie
Congratulations on your baby. Managing 2 really does change the
game and my only thoughts of advice are 1) remember that babies
change so fast so what you need right now may only be very very
temporary to get you through that little tiny infant stage (baby
is sure to not mind sling or carrier soon). So if babysitting
gets you over the hump know that it will be short. It is also
so new for your toddler that his needs are much greater right
now. I found it all seemed to stabalize a bit around 4 months.
2) Maybe use the babysitter sometimes for your baby and use the
time to be with your toddler. It is hard to do I know, but in
many ways the baby's needs are more physical and your toddler
could probably use some deposits into his ''emotional bank
account'' given the upheaval and stress of having a new baby at
home. Good luck.
Margaret
My now 4yo, E, is very demanding and active. From birth he has
required a lot of interaction. I have him in nursery school
half the day and it has presented challenges with my now 2yo,
J.
The solution I have hated falling back on is the television,
but I do. Otherwise E requires my attention non-stop.
However, I also try to create situations where E can be
interacting with others and the world around him. Playdates.
Going to the park. The library. Even running errands and
shopping. It seems like for most people shopping with 2 boys
would seem more challenging than staying home, but for us it's
a way to entertain!
When J was a baby I just carried him around with us in a baby
bjorn and tended to his needs as we went. Now J, who can play
on his own for long periods unlike his brother, still comes
along and still enjoys our outings.
Of course, it depends on the temperament of your baby! Good
luck! This too will pass.
kt
I have an almost-four-year-old and an almost-one-year-old, and I
feel for you. Going from one kid to two is a huge adjustment for
the whole family. As big a change as it is for you, it!&s just as
big a whopper for your older child (perhaps bigger, since he
hasn!&t been mulling it over for 10 months). While all kids are
different, my instincts tell me your relationship with your
older child and your children's relationship with each other are
going to suffer if you keep putting off learning to deal with
everyday life with two kids. Without you close by to help him,
your older child will be left to figure out for himself what his
new place is in this transformed family, what his new
relationship with you is, and how to build a relationship with
his new sibling. He may even get the message that he!&s suddenly
spending so much time away from mom and home because he doesn!&t
have a place there anymore.
I think one of the biggest factors in a smooth transition is
consistency for your older child, which means doing as many of
the things you!&ve always done as you can. You say your baby
doesn't like the sling. A two-month-old may hate the sling,
while the same child at two months and a week loves it. I
encourage you to keep trying---you can do all the same things
you're used to doing with your older child while the little one
hangs out, naps, and nurses. My older son is also quite physical
and needs to do lots of running around. We go for walks (he
rides his tricycle or a scooter) everywhere---the park, the
coffee shop, the marina, the library, just around and around---
to help him work out some of that energy. I!&m sure you know what
your son likes best. The baby rides in a stroller or the sling.
Another thing that!&s helpful to me is hanging out with other
moms and kids. Talking to other moms can help you feel less
isolated and inept, and just seems to make the days go by more
quickly and easily.
Something that I found really helpful to keep in mind when I was
getting used to two: With you (and your breast), the baby has
everything it needs and will be fine no matter what you!&re
doing. Your older child, on the other hand, needs tons and tons
of attention from you right now. Once he feels secure in his new
place in this reconfigured family, he!&ll be able to strike out
on his own more and you won!&t have to devote so much
concentrated attention to him. I think since two months have
already passed, the sooner you dive in and get used to having
two in tow, the easier things will go, and the happier you!&ll
all be, in the long run. And once you get going, it!&ll be second
nature before you know it. Best of luck to you.
DL
I was in a similar position last year. The thing to remember is that
the baby will
grow so quickly that she may be willing to go in a sling or carrier
soon or she might
start napping on her own longer. My oldest was also in part time
preschool and
while it was difficult for me, I believe that the children have a
closer relationship
now because of all the time they spent (and continue to spend)
together. Any time
we could be at a park or somewhere with water and sand really helped.
We also
took long walks with the baby in a stroller and did a lot of
pretending, scavenger
hunted for nature objects, and played'' I Spy'' and ''20 questions'' as
we went. I
would also create obstacle courses for her to do while I watched -
''climb over the
bench, walk backwards around the table, hop 10 times, on one foot, and
come back
to me.'' She also enjoyed pretending while I just participated
verbally. Once the
baby could sit up, things got much easier and more fun. Good Luck and
Congratulations!
anon
Everything will get easier!! First thing, your baby is only
two months old, so you must be really tired and maybe even
crankier than usual. One thing that will really help is to
start easing your baby into a regular nap schedule as soon as
she is ready. Try to put her down when she falls asleep, even
if it is only for ten or fifteen minutes, and play with the 4
year old. I bet that his acting out has a lot to do with his
perception that the baby gets all the attention. Every so
often, if you are playing with the older one and the baby
cries, tell the baby that she needs to wait a minute while you
finish with the bigger one. They seem to love the idea that
each child gets a turn.
One thing that I learned in the sibling class was to have a box
of fun stuff available for the older one to explore while I
nursed. The same goes for snacks, have something at a level
that the 4 year-old can help himself.
The first few months are the hardest on everyone, but
especially you since you are nursing and trying to take care of
everyone. Talk to your child and let him know how you are
feeling, in a simple way. Teach him about the baby, let him
help you change diapers, etc. Put the baby on the floor next
to you when you play so that you can keep one hand on the baby
and still be involved. When you feel like it go to the park or
just go for a walk around the block (with the baby in the
stroller).
Good luck.
Joan
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