UCB Parents Advice about Parenting, Families, & the Community
Hyphenated Last Names
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Feb 2001
I have a question for moms out there who use their own names. In
retrospect, what thoughts do you have about hyphenated names vs. just
picking one of the parents' last names for the kids? I have a teen
from a previous marriage, and I'm about to have a baby. Using
fictional names here for the example... I have always used the name I
was born with, Chuzzlewit. My first husband's name was Havisham. We
didn't want to give the teen a hyphenated name back when, because
Chuzzlewit-Havisham seemed too cumbersome. So we used Chuzzlewit as
the middle name (which I realize in retrospect just gets ignored), and
Havisham as the last name for the kid. Now, years later, I have
remarried, to a man named Pumblechook, and everybody in the household
has a different last name now! It's confusing and sometimes it's even
been a problem. Now that we are going to have a new baby, I am
reconsidering the hyphenated last name approach. Then at least three
of us will be obviously connectable. I don't want to change my last
name and neither does my husband. But the two names together will make
for a very long name: Chuzzlewit-Pumblechook. This seems so impractical!
So, I am wondering: those of you who have teens with hyphenated last
names - has it been a problem? Has one of the names gotten dropped
over the years? Does the kid complain about the length? If you used
just the father's (or mother's) name, does the unrepresented parent
just use that name informally too, for convenience? Any thoughts?
Ms. "Chuzzlewit"
i gave a hyphenated last name to my daughter, she was
very sweet about it but did not use it once she wanted
to be like everyone else. Last year in the mist of
filling out applications for college she asked if i
would not be hurt and minded if she dropped my name.
so we did the process through social security, her
passport had already dropped the hyphenated name years
ago. my opinion, the easier the better, my son who is
only ten has only my husband's last name. so now i'm
the only one with my name but I'm keeping that one!
In terms of middle vs. hyphenated names, my son has my last name as his
middle name, and he seems quite happy with it.
I was married the first time at 21 and had a daughter who received her
father's last name. I then divorced and remarried and kept my given name
and my husband kept his. We had another daughter and were brainstorming
about whose last name she should have (we were both vehemently against
hyphenated names) when my husband said that he thought it would be a
travesty for me to have carried two children and have both of them end up
with the last names of their fathers. Therefore, my younger daughter and I
share a last name. My (now ex) husband hasn't felt cheated by this.
I, too, kept my maiden name, and when our son was born my husband and I
decided to give him both of our last names (mine first, my husband's last)--
but not to hyphenate them, which seemed a bit unwieldy. It was important to
me that my family name be a part of my child's identity, too, but I
envisioned him growing up, marrying one of the millions of little girls with
hyphenated names who were being born at the time, and then spawning a brood
of quadruple-barreled offspring (Grandbaby Lewis-Horowitz-Chang-Svensen, for
instance). I also wanted my son to have the option of dropping the first
half of his last name if he wanted to as an adult.
So he essentially has a double-barreled last name, but not one that most
people recognize as such. It's been a constant pain, to be honest. I have to
explain to people at least twice that, yes, his last name actually has two
words, and no, they're not hyphenated. Where to put him in an alphabetical
list (for medical files, etc.) has also been a constant source of
consternation. Half the time he just winds up being identified by my
husband's last name, and I've run out of the energy and will to argue about
it. So I think we're sort of halfway to semi-officially dropping my
contribution to his name, at least for everyday purposes. As for my son, he
doesn't seem as bothered about it as I do. He knows what his full name is --
but doesn't get upset if other people don't use it.
If I had it all to do over again, I probably would have adopted a hyphenated
name myself when I got married, and given the kids the same name. Probably a
better idea (for braver souls, at least) is to combine names with your
spouse and avoid the whole messy issue. Some good friends of mine, let's
call them Ms. Hammer and Mr. Smith, became Mr. and Mrs. Hammersmith
upon
marriage, and passed that new family name to their daughter when she
arrived.
Good luck with your decision!
Dear Ms. Chuzzelwit:
I sympathize, greatly! I did not take my husband's name at marriage,
either. And he has a daughter from a previous relationship who has her
mother's last name. When we had our baby daughter, we chose my last name
for her, to try to simplify the matter slightly, since at least she and I
have the same last name. But lately, I've been having trouble being
confused with another person of the exact same name (and same middle
initial!) who has TERRIBLE credit, and I keep getting phone calls and
dunning letters that are meant for *her*. I'm getting so fed up I'm
considering changing my name. We're thinking of choosing another family
name altogether. But his daughter still wants to keep hers, so that
wouldn't necessarily improve matters as far as identifying the "family
unity", and then we'd have to change *our* daughter's name, and we really
*like* her name and how it sounds, so we don't want to do *that*....
Regarding options: Hyphenation is certainly one option, but as you say, it
results in a very long name sometimes (that's why we originally decided
against it). We've had several friends who have chosen a *new* family name
altogether, more in keeping with their current life choices and
philosophies. But this can be sticky if you have extended family who are
alive and will protest the choice (it was never much of an issue for us,
since my husband's parents died before we were married). Another creative
solution one set of friends used was to combine parts of both names into a
new last name. They were McGrath and Penman, so they became Pengrath. So
you might all become Chuzzlechook, or Pemwit, for instance.
FWIW: We find that it actually isn't that much trouble having a teen with
a name different from either of ours. People seem to take it right in
stride these days, with so many blended families. I've never even had
anyone raise an eyebrow about it.
Good luck with your decision!
My 3 teenagers all have hyphenated last names, a combination of the my
(mother's) last name and their father's. They seem to do really well coping
with a longer last name. They usually use both names, esp on official
documents, but sometimes they choose to use one or the other. For instance,
my son uses his father's last name in sports and he uses my last name in art.
I say the more last names the better. It debunks the myth of the traditional
patriarchal family, where the father "owned" everyone in the family. Latin
families often all have different last names, and it doesn't seem to be a
problem. Good luck deciding.
L LaRosa
I have a 15 year old son with a hyphenated last name and in retrospect I
would not have done it this way. It simply complicates things. He often
uses only his father's last name, which I understand and is fine with me.
His official signature uses the initials of his two last names, rather than
spelling the two names out. When having to spell out his name on the phone
or anywhere else, my standard approach before actually spelling it is, "This
is a hyphenated last name - ..." because I have found that, if you don't
give this introduction, people taking the information get confused if you
respond to the question directly with "B-R-O-W-N hyphen J-O-N-E-S." The
usual response is, "What?" or "Excuse Me?" I actually feel that I have
imposed a burden on him with this two name last name. I've been meaning to
talk with him about this for a while. Thanks for the nudge. Anonymous
Re: hyphenated names - Another consideration to the hyphenated name
situation is how hard it will be for future generations to trace the
family. I have been researching my family genealogy for several
years. Due to immigration "mistakes," my family members have ended up with
Americanized names which made it much harder to find them. I am concerned
that all these new naming conventions will muddy the trail even further.
Barbara
I am with Marian Vos Savant on this one. Moms should name their kids after
themselves. It would be very simple, especially in cases of divorce. The
kids usually end up with the mom, as in the case of this poster.
About hyphenated last names. Well, I am a child with a looooong hyphenated
last name. I have a couple suggestions about what you chose for the last name
of your child. I am a big feminist and feel that women should not have to
give up there name just because it would make there child have a long and
confusing last name, so I have come up with one main solution. I feel that
you and your husbend should combine your last names into one. You can take
the letters from each name and put them together to make a unique, yet
personal last name that no one else will have. I plan to do this with my
children, because that way neither parent is giving up there last name.
Especially being a teenager with a long name, it is sometimes embarrassing
when someone calls your name wrong, but then again I do feel unique and proud
that I have both of my parents names in my last name, unlike most of my
friends who only have their dads. I hope you find this helpful.
Sincerely,
A Teenage Girl With A Hyphenated Last Name
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