UCB Parents Advice about Parenting, Families, & the Community
Choosing a Guardian
Advice and recommendations from the UCB Parents mailing list.
This page is brought to you by UC Berkeley Parents Network
Back to:
Advice about Parenting, Families, & the Community
See also: Recommendations for Trust and Estate Planning
October 2002
We are struggling with the decision of who should take over
care of our children in the unlikely event that we die when
they are young. How do other people go about this painful
choice? We are fortunate to have my sister and her family
nearby. We are close and get along fairly well, but there
is alot of conflict (sometimes explosive) in their house
and a parenting style we find too permissive and hands-off.
I cherish this family but I cant see them raising our children
(and my wife feels even more strongly than I on this). My
sibling would be hurt to know we are not choosing them and
they have chosen us for the same. Talking about our
hesitations would not be fruitful- when parenting concerns
are raised it just causes tension between us.
My parents are elderly. We have friends whose
parenting we like and whose home feels loving, but
they speak another language at home and live in another
part of the Bay area... There seem to be
no ideal choices. So we never put anything into writing (like
a will) which we know is negligent! We also dont want to
choose someone out of the local area (like my wife's family-
who live out of the country), because it would be too hard for
my children to lose their parents AND have to move away
from their whole community (school, friends, temple, etc).
In addition, they are not as familiar with family members
who live far away. I am glad for any guidance.
In my opinion, you should definitely choose the friends whose parenting style
you like over relatives where there is a lot of conflict in the home. I've
made
this choice myself, although it was easier because my family members live far
away and my friends are right here. A loving household beats out the foreign
language problem or the distance from your kids' East Bay home.
The odds that your kids will have to be raised by someone else are very slim,
as you know, but if it makes you feel better about the choice, include a
letter
with your will explaining your decision to your relatives in as loving a way
as
you can (e.g. emphasizing your philosophical closeness to their child-rearing
style, rather than family criticisms which you won't be able to temper in
subsequent discussions).
For the time being, unless your relatives force the issue in conversation with
you, I wouldn't even bring it up. But if you have to discuss it, be honest,
because this is the time that they *can* hear your opinions in your own voice
with whatever softening you might be able to manage on their behalf.
Be sure to discuss this thoroughly with your friends, so that they will make a
point of keeping your kids in contact with family, visiting their old East Bay
community, etc.
Good luck --
Friends Preferred
choosing a guardian is extremely hard. there is no perfect
parent for your children except you. it would be highly
unlikely for your children to lose both of their parents, but it
is important to choose someone before it is too late and someone
else has to make the choice. you might need to pick the
guardian that would be right for now and then change later on.
your will is always amendable. perhaps you need to get your
concerns about the way you want your children raised written
down so that if a guardian is needed, s/he will have some
guidelines. for example, if the guardian you choose is out of
the area, you can ask that they temporarily stay here so that
the kids can have a longer transition time before moving and
that they bring the kids back to visit... nobody can replace
you, so just remember that you are not picking a replacement.
good luck.
suzie
My husband and I run a consulting law firm that specializes in
estate planning so we see this issue quite often. Here is what
we tell our clients. No one will raise your kids as well as
you. Deal with that reality. What you want is the best among
your choices. And the choices may not be ideal, but they are
better than no choice. It's better for you to choose than to
allow family members to fight it out or have the court appoint
someone. Also, you don't have to tell anyone who you named as
guardian (but of course tell the guardian). Keep in mind, you
can always change your plan. Name the best person now, and in 5
years, you may have met a couple with similar nurturing skills
or your relatives may have matured into better parents. Your
choice is not permanent. Every decision we make today can only
be based on the best of our knowledge today. If tomorrow
changes, then you can change your plan.
One other point, we recommend living trusts for most of our
clients. We encourage our clients to leave their children's
inheritance in trust to provide them with better protection.
You can name a trustee of the children's trust to manage the
finances and assets and name someone else as guardian. The
guardian doesn't have to be great at financial management and
raising children. Choose the latter and get someone else if
need be for the former.
Congratulate yourselves on at least deciding to establish your
estate plan.
Good luck!
Paula Allison
I empathize! Not sure I can give sure-fire advice, but just
today my husband and I met with a lawyer to discuss this very
thing. In our situation, both sets of our parents are probably
too old, my family all lives far away (east coast and out of the
country) and I had some real discomfort with either of my
husbands' siblings being named guardians due to religious and
social/political beliefs that are extremely discordant with ours.
I think the easiest part of a guardianship decision is that
unless you and your parents had children quite young, your own
parents' are not an ideal choice. Our criteria for choosing a
guardian included someone who could raise our child in a way
that is as similar to our own hopes for family life as possible -
and that's not realistic for grandparents in their 70s.
I also think following your heart or your gut on whose house
just ''doesn't feel right'' is key - and I come from a childhood
home where explosive anger was pretty regular, it is something I
would want to shelter a child from as much as possible. Will
your sister feel hurt? Maybe, but I imagine that should the
unthinkable happen - everyone who cares about you would rise to
the occasion and respect your wishes.
In your case it sounds like keeping kids in familiar
surroundings is important, so friends other other relatives
nearby is probably the best option. I understand your concern
about kids moving to a household where another language is
spoken, but if it is a loving household where they would be
welcomed and cared for...a slightly unorthodox situation is
surely preferable to one where they have to fit into a difficult
family dynamic
So what to do? In our case, we named my sister who currently
lives out of the country. The idea is that if she decides to
stay abroad we will name someone else, but since she plans to
come back she is currently our top choice. She will surely
settle on the east coast, so that's a compromise, but we felt
like she would be the best person to raise our daughter in a way
most like what we want to be able to do ourselves.
In any case, make sure you name somebody, I've been advised that
if there is no specified guardian in can get tough on everyone
when the court gets involved. Good Luck!
anon
We ended up choosing my husband's sister's family as our
children's guardian even though they live in So. Cal. This is
only in the event that my mom can't do it. We simply couldnt'
stomach choosing my sister and her family who live here and to
whom my girls are close, because their parenting style is so
different from ours. It was easy to choose, yet hard. But we
have never told my sister that we didn't pick her. I don't think
there is a need. If for some reason she asked, I wouldn't lie,
but I doubt she'll ask. One suggestion; write a letter to her
explaining why to be given to her upon your death. This was
suggested to us, and I haven't done it yet, but would like to. It
would be written kindly of course! We also specifically excluded
my father, who is still married to my mother, from a bunch of
things because of who he is. Again, a letter will be written
some day.
I think the most important thing is for your children to be with
someone whose parenting style/philosophy resembles yours. Kids
are pretty resilient, and while it would be hard for them to move
away on top of loosing you, ultimately, it would be best. Good
luck.
Hilary
We have also struggled with this issue, and are not completely
sure (I have the Nolo trust book and plan on using it soon!).
However, I really tried to focus on figuring out where my kids
would be happiest and where they would feel most at home in the
awful event that they lose both me and my husband. I have
concluded that that is with my sister even though she and I have
a lot of disagreements about some pretty big things! I just
thought that even though you may not agree with your sister's
parenting style, and way of resolving conflict, you kids might be
ok with that stuff (I'm assuming that her relationship is
basically solid, if you feel that it's shaky, that's a
different story.) In other words, it might be the best option
b/c a sister is a close family member, thus this might be the
least traumatic move for your kids. Just my 2 cents.
anonymous please
It is difficult choosing a guardian often because few of us have
friends or family who would raise our child(ren) the same way we
would. I had my son as a single mother and I was highly
conscious from the first that I must pick someone in case
something happened to me. I ended up choosing my brother and
sister-in-law because, although they live a very different life
than me, upper middle class suburban, relatively conservative,
etc., I know they would be warm and loving parents to my son.
And in the end, this is what counts.
Dianna
Of course there are no ideal choices: YOU are the ideal parents
for your children, and of course no one else seems as good.
Nonetheless, this is not an excuse to procrastinate or not make
out your will. Remember: IF YOU DON'T DECIDE NOW, SOMEONE ELSE
COULD DECIDE FOR YOU LATER.
Ask yourselves, Who are the second best parents after us? And who
will give my child(ren) the most contact with my extended family?
Those are the long-term issues for your child's future.
Don't worry about things like where they live--that's trivial, and
changeable. Do worry about things like, Will [my choice] ensure
that my child continues to have a relationship with the rest of
the family?
The second thing you have to do is make sure your choice is
willing! And
then you have to make the will. I suggest picking up Nolo Press's
Will Book for a basic, legal will that will probably suit your
needs for some years. It's also very easy to modify if you change
your minds, add children, etc. Don't delay! Do it now!
Mom who knows that even ''unlikely'' events can happen
We just saw an attny last week to settle the exact issue and to
write a will. He suggested that little kids are very flexible
and simply need to be with a family who will love them and care
for them - and will share your values in upbringing of course.
He believes that the location is not material at such a young
age and that even moving them across the country would not be
bad if they will have a caring family to help them. I had been
taking the view that location is important - all the changes in
schools, friends including the loss of parents and home seemed
excessive to me if it could be avoided. We too will not use
family members but we don't have anyone whose feelings would be
hurt so I can't help on that matter.
Lisa N.
Good for you for taking care of what I think is a very important
part of a child's life. My husband and I were adamant that are
two young children not go to biologic family. We picked out
someone, although unrelated, who was the very best match for our
children; that person is serving as the guardian (esssentially,
parent) if something were to happen to my husband and me,
simultaneously. In choosing this person we considered not only
her giftedness and lovingness with our children but also that the
choice of this particular guardian would allow our children to
stay in their home, attend the same schools, keep their dog, etc.
I recognize that not everyone has this luxury. We also
designated a trustee for our estate who would have been a great
guardian for our children as well, but who would have necessated
a geographical move for our children, which we did not want. Our
designated trustee is very saavy fiscally (an accountant and MBA)
and can be trusted to meet the needs of our guardian, children,
and dog. Our guardian, while also very fiscally responsible and
saavy, isn't burdened with investment and disbursement issues and
can attend exclusively to the role of parenting our children
should something happen. Even though no biologic family, on
either side of our families, would try to take custody of our
children, it was still important that we spell out very
specifically our reasons for choosing non-relatives. We didn't
want any legal entanglements at a point when our children were
trying to heal. There is a fairly large estate that falls to our
children so it was essential that we had competent legal help as
well as a competent trustee re: financial decisions and
disbursements. A lot of the financial decisions we have
designated, specified, and prioritized. Our guardian is also
happy to make sure that our children's religious training
continues; something you might want to reach agreement on. We
have also made a videotape for the children should something
happen, not to be morbid but to be supportive. We used the
services of Richard Hill, an excellent and reasonably-priced
Berkeley attorney, who only deals with trusts and estate law. It
is ideal, I believe, to use the services of so
Sleeps better at night
From: Roxane (3/99)
My husband and I are working on our wills right now, and seek advice
about whether to make the guardians for our children:1) maternal
grandparents (grandmother 58, grandfather 64), who live nearby, or 2)
husband's sister and her family, who live in NJ (across the country),
and have 2 children, ages 7 and 13. We are leaning towards the sister,
as she and her husband are good parents, and my parents aren't getting
any younger, but we also worry about the damage of wrenching our
children out of everything familiar, should something happen to both me
and my husband (as in, we're dead and gone). Opinions? Does anyone know
what's advised in situations like this (from a child development or
psychological point of view)? And if we make my mother the executor
(personal representative) because she's
local and can do the legwork, but make my sister-in-law the financial
guardian of all our property, would that be a disaster? We'd want the
person caring for our children to also be in charge of the money held in
trust for them, I would think.Also, we are confused by the differences
between using the UTMA (Uniform Transfers to Minors Act) and a
Children's Pot Trust (or individual children's trusts). It seems like
the UTMA would be better, given that many financial
institutions are more familiar with it--are there any drawbacks? We are
doing our wills ourselves using Willmaker 7 (by Nolo Press), and are
seeking not legal advice, but just helpful hints from others who've gone
through this already. We intend eventually to set up a living trust, but
frankly, can't afford to do so just right now, and don't want to be
intestate (without a will).
The opinions and statements expressed on this page
are those of parents who belong to the
UC Berkeley Parents Network and
should not be taken as a position of or endorsement by the
University of California, Berkeley.