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My 8 month daughter favors her father and even her 2 day a week caregiver over me. When I say ''favors'', I mean that when he walks anywhere near her, she will cry if he doesn't pick her up. She tracks him wherever he goes. She does not do this with me. Even when I nurse her in bed, after I am done, she turns from me to stare at him. The amount of time I spend with her does not seem to affect this behavior. If we have a wonderful day playing and laughing, she still ''ditches'' me when she sees him. Or, if I return from an absence, while she smiles at me she is content to stay with him. She seems equally attached to her caregiver who comes twice a week and sometimes on weekend nights. My husband works at home and is able to spend time with her during the day or in the morning. However, I spend the most time with her. I nurse her and feel we have a very good relationship. She is an easygoing, affable little soul who seems continuously happy. I like being with her and feel like she is happy with me. I tell myself how thrilled I am that my husband and she are so close, and that we have a caregiver to whom she clearly feels conected. However, deep down, I feel very sad. I always assumed most children, especially those who nurse, develope a primary bond, at least in the beginning, with their mothers, and I can't help but feel I have failed on some level. This feeling is pretty visceral and hard to ''think myself'' beyond. Has anyone else experienced this? anonymous
I received a lot of support from my husband and friends. I was also able to start looking at it psychologically and philosophically. For one thing, I realized that throughout my life, I've loved both my parents, AND really adored my father. That relationship was a true gift in my life and it felt wonderful to know that my daughter would have the same kind of connection with her father.
After that 3ish-month period, things shifted. When we were all together, my daughter sought my husband for some things, and me for others. Lately, she's been going through a mommy phase. I've learned a lot over the past year, and trust that when she has daddy phases again, I'll be able to handle it better. Good luck to you. Jill
Several weeks ago, my ten-month old baby began showing a preference for her father, grandparents and nanny over me, her mother. In fact, she seems to prefer everyone -- other than complete strangers -- who are in her life over good ole mom. I've looked in the archives and have seen postings about preference for one parent over the other, but in this situation the preference extends beyond the immediate family. It doesn't seem to be related to the amount of time I spend with her (the nanny and her father spend far less time with her than I do) or to gender. And it isn't that she doesn't like me at all. When I'm the only one around, she smiles and plays and hugs and is generally fine. If anyone else walks into the room, however, she turns away from me, reaches both hands out to the new person and ignores me. When I mention this problem to other parents, I get puzzled looks -- something that leaves me feeling alone and ashamed. I know that it's good for her to attach to other adults and to feel comfortable with people other than her parents. I also know that her attachment to her nanny means that the nanny is doing a good job and that I should be thankful for it. So -- I'm not really looking for solutions or for ways to change the situation. I guess I just want to know that this is not unusual and that it will pass. I'd also love to hear from other people about ways in which they coped. Anonymous (please)
I have an almost 6 months old daughter, and she already tries to get other peoples attention. When she sits on my lap in a cafe, she would systematically look at each person around us, one by one, until she can exchange smiles with that person. Then she would move on to the next one. If someone doesn't pay attention to her at all - and some people really stare at their notebook computers with no breaks - her persisting flirting would eventually turn into frustration. She doesn't care about my trying to comforting her, she is just upset her effort doesn't pay off. Nothing I can do for her except asking that person to a smile at my baby!
There are different ways to smile and laugh, by the way. There is a quick smile, like ''Hi, how are you doing?'', or ''Hey, look at me!'', or ''Do you like me?''. It's about getting attention. I also get that one sometimes - not when she happy, but when she is anxious. For example, for my strict ''No!'' when she starts stretching or chewing on my nipple during breastfeeding. And there is a very relaxed, life-enjoying fat laugher which can go on and on over long peoriods. She would do that only with people who really play with her paying full attention to her, and who she knows well.
You may want to read a about early child development to get more professional opinions than what I am making up from my observations. I remember from my mom's group, that children typically build a strong tie to their mothers around 6 months. After that, they ususally look for a strong bonds with other people, typically the father, grandmother, nanny etc.
So, while I can see that your baby's ''cheating you'' is heartbreaking at first sight, it probably means that you did well as a mother, because your baby learned she can trust you. Julia
To what do I attribute her abundance of enthusiasm for others over me? Don't know really. There could be lots of reasons -- five days in an incubator in the NICU so we didn't touch enough when she was a newborn, my having to return to work when she was two mos old and grandmother caring for her, her naturally independent personality and love of novelty?
Believe me, this did bother me. I thought I must be such an innately horrible mother that she can't even feel attached to me. But my husband demonstrated to me that she is attached to me -- she does cry for me when I'm gone, she draws pictures for me at school, when she's scared she seeks comfort from me, she nursed until she was 2 1/2 -- just, for whatever reason, she doesn't show it in all the other ways kids often do. His argument was that she felt so secure in my presence that it allowed her to explore interactions w/ other people w/out worrying about my being around. Do I buy it? I don't know. but I do know that she is still independent, still prefers school to hanging out w/ me, still adores all the older women in her life. It's just who she is. Sometimes I wish she were a little more obviously attached to me, but I'm also glad that she moves so easily in the world and feels so confident in new situations. Sometimes I can predict the clashes we'll have when she's a teen, and I dread them. But I do know she loves me, so what else does a mother need? I feel ya
Lately I've been filled with angst because of the way my one- year-old acts towards his father, my husband. I'm a stay at home mom and I spend all day with my son, playing with him, entertaining him, feeding him, etc., but when dad comes home from work, his face lights up and suddenly mom is old news. He cries when my husband leaves the room (not when I do) and only his dad can put him to bed or there will be a screaming fit. When he does something new he looks to dad for approval and the worst of all! He says ''Dada'' and not ''Mama.'' (I know that's very common, but still...) I feel unappreciated and jealous. Why does he get all the smiles and the laughs when I do all the work? I buy clothes and diapers and groceries and formula and toys, I make sure everybody has clean pajamas and that the kitchen is clean, I make my own organic baby food for god's sake! but as soon as dad walks into the room, my son will practically knock me out of the way to get to him. I feel like a crazy jealous fool, and when I tell my husband how I feel (we have a very close relationship and I can tell him everything) he literally laughs at me and tells me I'm crazy. I suppose it's a good thing that they have such a good relationship, considering they don't spend that much time together, but I can't help but feel rejected and depressed about it. Thanks
My point is, you are a given. Take it this way: your baby feels secure about you, knows you are there for him, knows you will not leave him. He doesn't know that about your husband. Remember, he's too young to have any concept of time, so as far as he is concerned, Daddy simply goes away at various intervals, and your son doesn't know why or understand the regularity of the departures.
You are doing a wonderful job. Know that your son ignoring you is a sign that he feels completely at home with you, and only a mom who had done a good job would get that from him. I know how you feel, my first daughter was very like that, and I felt terribly left out, terribly unwanted. That way lies madness! I ended up realizing I had some postpartum depression going on, and just couldn't see the positive side of it.
Don't let it get to you, you are doing everything right, and your son loves you. Take it from me, if you were gone as much as your husband, you would be just as much in demand -- because your son would not be as sure of you. Heather
My second thought is to imagine you have spent the whole weekend with your husband and then your best friend comes over for dinner. Aren't you likely to pay more attention to your friend than your spouse? Maybe even seem to be ignoring your spouse as you catch up with your friend? I wonder if the babies arent' so secure in the knowledge that you will be there that they don't need to capture your attention but these other people who come and go require more wooing and are extra exciting.....So the very fact that your baby is able to ignore you shows how important and special you are! OK, I don't know if that would have reassured me during the throws of jealousy but it's worth a try. been there
Secondly, please, please please, ask yourself: did you have a baby in order to receive emotional validation from her? Because that's what I'm hearing: you want validation from your baby. If you are looking to your child for validation, you are bound to be disappointed. Our children simply cannot (and should not) be counted on for that. Does that mean you shouldn't want your child's appreciaion? No, it is fine to *want* that. However, if your sense of self-worth is dependent upon her expressing appreciation for you, you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Validation is something that we all have to learn (and we ALL have to learn it, it doesn't seem to just happen automatically!) to do for ourselves. I think you'll agree, when you think about it, that this is not something we should put on our children - for one thing, we cheat OURSELVES when we do! If we rely on others for our sense of self-worth, there is no way they can ever give us enough or do enough to make us feel that we are worthwhile people, because we haven't developed that core sense of self for ourselves.
So, how to stop feeling jealous of dad? By remaining true to yourself and who you want to be as a person. When you KNOW you are behaving in the world as the person you want to be (some one *you* value and respect), you won't feel bad when your baby behaves as if she prefers daddy, because you won't need to look to her to reflect who you are back to you. You'll already know. You're a good person and a good mom. This is the same journey I am on, and I believe we all are. Best of luck anonymous
I was very sad about this. If someone had told me that it was a stage, and that she would one day run to me yelling ''Mommy, Mommy'' I would not have believed it. Well, my daughter is now 2.5 and it this has long passed. She still has a thing for daddy but she and I also have our special relationship. What helped me get through this time was this: 1) my husband did not laugh about this when I brought up my feelings. He would comfort me and pointed me that the she was probably just used to seeing me all day and therefore Dad was a novelty, someone to have fun with, etc. and 2) I would literally force myself to give her extra hugs, kisses, ''I love you's'', during those times that I was feeling rejected.
So, good luck you, Mom! I've been there I know how you are feeling. My daughter still prefers Dad to change her diaper and you know, that can be a good thing! :) anonymous
The way we've tried to cope with it is by adding some Father-Daughter activities to our weekly routine that allow my daughter to have quality time with her dad and at those times I simply make myself scarce. I found that when I was around all the time, my husband couldn't successfully get my daughter's attention. So he started taking her to a Saturday morning swim class at the Albany Pool and he also took over responsibility for the nightly bath. This gave me a break (which I needed) and provided some continuity in my husband's relationship with her. At first, she was leery and kept wanting Mommy. But now, after bathtime she is completely receptive to being read to or played with or tucked into bed for the night by her father and I can be involved or not, depending on what else is going on.
My husband and I realized that, from our daughter's POV, Daddy did not seem all that dependable as compared to Mommy. My husband works long, often irregular hours. He travels periodically. Sometimes he leaves home early before she's awake and sometimes he comes home late and she doesn't see him at dinnertime or even before going to bed. So my husband had to make a conscious effort to come home in time to spend the dinner and bath times with her whenever possible. At this age, children really long for the security that comes from having everything in its place (from THEIR perspective). My daughter still asks every day: Where's Daddy? (at work) Where's (Babysitter)? (she went home) Where's Mommy? (i'm right here). Routines (in which both parents regularly participate) and lots of reassurance have helped our daughter. She still has her moments when only Mommy will do, but now fortunately she can also feel secure with her father. Good luck !!
Our second son, on the other hand, has always cleaved to me. This made me feel better, but it also made me realize that it's not really something I do or don't do, or at least not entirely something I do or don't do...whether it's personality or circumstances or what I don't know. He still demands me, even though sometimes he and his dad have more "fun" (i don't roughhouse with him, for example, now that he's 34 pounds!).
I imagine it is a temporary phase with your daughter...it helps sometimes us if the less-favored parent spends time alone with the child in question doing something special--but it could just be a phase you have to tough out. Good luck!
The way we've tried to cope with it is by adding some Father-Daughter activities to our weekly routine that allow my daughter to have quality time with her dad and at those times I simply make myself scarce. I found that when I was around all the time, my husband couldn't successfully get my daughter's attention. So he started taking her to a Saturday morning swim class at the Albany Pool and he also took over responsibility for the nightly bath. This gave me a break (which I needed) and provided some continuity in my husband's relationship with her. At first, she was leery and kept wanting Mommy. But now, after bathtime she is completely receptive to being read to or played with or tucked into bed for the night by her father and I can be involved or not, depending on what else is going on.
My husband and I realized that, from our daughter's POV, Daddy did not seem all that dependable as compared to Mommy. My husband works long, often irregular hours. He travels periodically. Sometimes he leaves home early before she's awake and sometimes he comes home late and she doesn't see him at dinnertime or even before going to bed. So my husband had to make a conscious effort to come home in time to spend the dinner and bath times with her whenever possible. At this age, children really long for the security that comes from having everything in its place (from THEIR perspective). My daughter still asks every day: Where's Daddy? (at work) Where's (Babysitter)? (she went home) Where's Mommy? (i'm right here). Routines (in which both parents regularly participate) and lots of reassurance have helped our daughter. She still has her moments when only Mommy will do, but now fortunately she can also feel secure with her father. Good luck !!
Our second son, on the other hand, has always cleaved to me. This made me feel better, but it also made me realize that it's not really something I do or don't do, or at least not entirely something I do or don't do...whether it's personality or circumstances or what I don't know. He still demands me, even though sometimes he and his dad have more "fun" (i don't roughhouse with him, for example, now that he's 34 pounds!).
I imagine it is a temporary phase with your daughter...it helps sometimes us if the less-favored parent spends time alone with the child in question doing something special--but it could just be a phase you have to tough out. Good luck!
I have an almost 2 year old son and ever since he was able to express feelings / preferences he has clearly preferred my husband. When I'm the only one around or pick him up from daycare by myself he is running up to me and hugging me, but as soon as my husband is around, he doesn't want anything or much to do with me. Sometimes he even pushes me away when I come too close to him and his dad. This is really starting to weigh down on me and I feel more often than not very sad and am crying a lot over this. My husband is understanding to a certain point, but he thinks I'm taking it too seriously since our son is just a little kid. He also thinks that I'm holding him responsible and show it in my attitude towards him. I don't think I'm holding him responsible, but I do have to admit that I'm envious of him being the prefered one and that probably shows. I know that everyone says little kids can only concentrate on one person at a time and that the preference is supposed to switch back and forth between mom and dad (then again, aren't little boys supposed to be more attached to their moms?) Since this has been going on for about a year now, I can't imagine that it will ever change or turn my way. I also have to say that my husband was always very involved with our son and (except for breastfeeding) did at least as much as I did in respect to all the chores like getting up at night, feeding, cleaning etc. He is also a very happy and fun person and is great with our son when they play or goofe around ... I'm thinking that this might be part of the problem since I just can't live up to the fun interaction he has with our son. I'm trying hard, but I am who I am and can't really change my personality.
I just wanted to see if anyone is or was in a similar situation and what they did to deal with it or overcome/change it. This is starting to affect my life and my relationship/feelings towards my husband and son who are both wonderful people. a sad mom
But...I have to understand that this relationship is what's important to Ben and so I step aside when I have to and never force him if there's no need. Our situation differs in that Ben will switch over to me if I spend the day with him. Maybe my husband takes a weekend day for himself or Ben and I go for a day ourselves. If I spend the better part of the weekend that switch is stronger. Also, his preference does seem to be the strongest on Friday (after a long workweek) and weakest at the end of the weekend (after spending a lot of time with me).
I know our situations may differ in some significant ways but for me the solutions were part attitude and part logistics. 1) spend as much time with him as possible, 2)keep my needs separate from the needs of my child (my feeling left out vs his need to bond with his daddy), 3)keep in mind that I will be his mommy forever and there is plenty of time for me to find my special place with him, 4)when he is showing a strong preference I participate in the activity with him and daddy, and become as involved as Ben will let me, 5)always look for the windows when he^Rll let me take the primary role and step in, 6)when I'm comforting him and he calls for daddy I try some gentle distraction (like walking out on the porch) to see if he'll calm with me. If not, I call in the daddy, 7)keep in mind that it is true to an extent that young children often bond with one caregiver, who is preferred over all others (usually it^Rs the mommy and so it feels odd to us when its not), 8) this has NOTHING to do with my love for my son or my abilities as a mother, 9)sometimes I try to see the blessing in disguise ^V if he wants to play with daddy then I get a free minute or two to eat my lunch in peace or do a personal chore. And at night it means I get to sleep while my husband often has to get up and comfort him, and 10) if I was to be honest with myself, wasn^Rt there one of my parents who I preferred over the other (and for me it has switched over time as my maturity level and needs changed and it has switched with the situation at hand).
I hope something in my experience helps you. Hang in there and know that you are the Mommy, and that^Rs something that your husband will never be. part time caregiver, full time mommy
Now my son is seven if asked he probably would say he still prefers dad but we have a tight bond too...I still try to find time to do special things alone together. It can be hard because my son's interests are really different from mine but I just try to keep showing up.
Our second child appears to prefer me so far....is this because parenting is less equally shared this time around or because daddy is not quite as doting since big brother needs attention too or some other reason? I don't know but I can't deny that it is a big relief!
I think you just have to weather through it and try to nurture your relationships with son and daddy as best you can. Be kind to yourself, you are a great mom. Sometimes I comforted myself by saying '' I am a great mom it's just that he is a SUPER great dad''. been there
In the past few month, my son has become very attached to my husband. He's very vocal about preferring that my husband do everything from putting him to bed, giving him a bath, getting him dressed, etc. I'm trying to look at this as a break for me, and not feel rejected by it, but in truth my feelings are sort of hurt. My husband and I split our workdays so we both have large amounts of time with our son during the week. Is this a common occurence? How long does it last? Should I just ride it out? What's it all about anyway? anonymous
Things that have helped are 1) Being very demonstative in my affection for my wife. He sees this and wants to get in on the hugs and cuddles with his mom. 2) Reminding my wife that this is NOT due to something she has or has not done, because it began when he was just a few months old, before he could reason about such things. It is simply an innate preference, like his preference for eating only white and orange things. 3) When mommy is gone, we occasionally talk about why we like her, why we are so happy she is the mommy etc.
The intensity of the preference has lessened over the years. But it is very trying, for both parents. Best wishes. Steve
Hello, I have a 2.5 year old boy who has developed what seems like a total infatuation with me, the Mommy. My daughter was very hooked into me at the same age and it was absolutely fine (I do attachment parenting, so this seemed within the bounds of our close bond). My son's passion, however, is much more intense. It's hard to explain but it's partly physical (he's just all over me all the time) and partly emotional (refuses to let my husband hold him, read to him, serve him food, anything!). I am still breastfeeding my son a tiny bit (a couple times of week) and one friend told me that it's the breastfeeding that's fueling his intense Mommy focus. I'm not so sure I believe that and I wouldn't ''cold turkey'' wean him even if I did believe it--we are gradually weaning and something sudden would be quite a betrayal, I think. My real question is what is the most healthy way to deal with my son's passion--my instinct is to absorb his ardor (i.e., not push him away) and mirror his feelings so he feels like it's ok to love someone passionately. But I don't want to create an over-Mommified boy (or is that just dominant culture stuff that's seeped into my addled brain?) Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated--I do believe in raising sons who are sensitive, loving, receptive, etc. but I am also aware of the dangers of mothers who don't have good ego boundaries (having been raised by one myself, alas). Anon
Still, you have to weather this stage. When my son was about 2-1/2, my husband and I started to consciously add activities and projects that were just for them. They'd go on outings, or have an afternoon together at home, and my husband started taking certain day-to-day tasks (like bath time). It gave me a break and gave them time to bond. There were tears at first, but we all stuck to it and now there is a lot more room for everyone. another mom
I give him my love and attention when I can: lots of play, lots of hugs and kisses, but I do let him know when ''my hands are busy and you'll need to wait,'' so I don't feel overwhelmed. And whoever has started with the diaper change/dressing/reading a book continues, regardless of whether he decides to scream for the other parent, because I want him to learn (a) to interact effectlvely with both of us and (b) that he doesn't get to change things by yelling and screaming. If he asks nicely for me, I will do it if I can. Karen
p.s. to my post a minute ago - I read somewhere that you should reciprocate all physical affection, and use verbal messages when you need or want space. In other words, hug back and say Mommy's busy right now, daddy needs to put your socks on, or whatever.
Our 3 year old son has shown a strong preference for his dad over me (mom) ever since he was old enough to express a preference. When dad is home, he only wants to be with him - he tells me to go away, does not want me to play with the two of them, only wants dad to help him get dressed, brush his teeth, make his breakfast, etc. We do our best not to give into these kinds of things, which results in a lot of tantrums. When he crys out in the middle of the night, and when he gets hurt, he wants dad. He is fine with me when dad is not around and does not cry for him when he's not there (I work 3 days a week and am home the other 2, while dad works 5 days a week). It has gotten somewhat worse since his little brother was born last summer, but it was already going on before that so we can't attribute it solely to that. I do tend to be the parent who does things like doctor and dentist visits, and a lot of the more mundane day to day tasks, while his dad is a really fun playmate (though I want to be clear that he does take on an equal share of discipline and has done his best to back me up on this in every way).
I deal with it okay most of the time, but sometimes it makes me really sad. My questions - has anyone else had experience with a child whose preference is so clearly for dad over mom? If so, what have you done to try to balance things out? How did you deal with your hurt feelings? I've tried taking him on special outings, just one-on-one - we always have a lot of fun, but nothing is different when we get home. I also try to respect his need for alone time with his dad, given that he doesn't get to spend as much time with him. But we're struggling with how to handle him doing things like ordering me out of his room when dad is around. We've tried the route of telling him it's not acceptable to talk to either of us that way, and have given time outs, but that hasn't really seemed to work - it stops the behavior in the moment, or even for the rest of the day, but then it crops up again. Would it be better to just ignore those behaviors? Would appreciate any insights! anon
I don't have an answer, and wish that I did. It's been going on for over 6 months now. I guess I just wanted to write to let you know that you're not alone. I look forward to seeing if anyone out there has advice or words of wisdom. santina
My son is 3 1/2. I know that children of this age are notoriously fickle and moody, but he has been going through a very intense MOMMY phase recently which is threatening to get out of hand. We also have a daughter who's nearly 1, and this happened also right after she was born, but I thought he was past it now. (And he's doing better with his sister than he was before.) It's to the point where if his dad--who is affectionate, gentle, playful with him--looks in on him in the bath, or comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast, my son greets him with a scowl and/or says ''NO Daddy! I don't like you!'' or ''Go away Daddy!'' Yesterday after a nap, when I was somewhere else, it was more extreme even, ''BAD Daddy! You're a bad person! You're not my friend and I don't like you! I want Mommy!'' etc. Meanwhile with me, although sometimes he pulls the ''Bad Mommy'' line too, mostly he's all sunshine and affection.
Can anyone tell me whether this is all perfectly normal and will pass, or whether we're in some crazy Oedipal drama that will only end when he has driven his father away completely? My husband is very patient with all of this but has admitted lately that it's beginning to wear him down, and affect his feelings toward our son. He loves him very much, of course, but is finding all the rejection hard to take.
Any advice or anecdotes much appreciated. Mystified Mom
Kids can easily pick up when they've hurt a parent's feelings or even when they are tugging on heartstrings. And they will use it to their advantage (Who wouldn't? We all prefer to get our way). The problem is, by letting the child have inappropriate amounts of power, they have no security, because there is noone to rein them in, or provide structure. It's scary to know you can get your parents to do what you tell them to, because it puts adult responsibility and decisions, for which you're not ready, on your shoulders. (Been there - this was my childhood; there was a constant feeling of being on shifting ground. Plus, my parents always lost their power to me, making them feel frustrated. All in all, not so good).
My advice: Reactions and responses should be consistent and unified when he expresses these sorts of feelings. Both of you should try hard to not feel bad, especially with him able to see it. It's easy to pit parents against each other unless they're a unified force. As tempting as it is to cave and play the good guy role, don't let yourself.
Calmly, without bringing emotions into it, tell your child ''No, it's not okay to be mean to Daddy''. or ''It's ok, you don't have to like me, but sometimes you're going to spend time with me anyway''. And don't give in to the tantrums or screaming. Model what it WOULD be okay to say: ''It's okay to say 'I want some alone time now, Daddy''' so he learns what to replace his bad habit with. The first several times you do this, he likely won't even hear you due to screams. But over time, he'll learn there's a new way things are done, and that you draw the line at him abusing one of you. If possible, let him have space if he doesn't want to play with Dad, but he should not have Mom running in to console him either. Alone time means he gets space, not choice about who takes care of him. This is really to respect a personal boundary. He might not want to be touched by the less-favored parent, and that's ok if the situation allows. He doesn't get to constantly choose who takes care of him. Good boundaries
As long as your husband is good-humored enough to get through this, and your son is not actually hurting anyone, I'd just wait till its over. By the way - my son went on being sweet to me well into middle-school, even after he reconciled the Oedipal stuff and decided his dad had redeeming value. ''Boys are Different''
The other part of this problem is Dad. In my case, Dad has a tendency to be very passive and simply shrug his shoulders when our daughter says ''NO!'' and runs away from him. He also is so impractically thin-skinned that he takes a 2-yr-old's rejection personally, without noticing that she occasionally does the same thing to me. And of course, if I am alone with her, and we need to get out of the house for a doctor's appointment, and she runs away from me, her rejection is irrelevant. We get dressed, we go. Get over it. Dad hasn't figured this out yet because it's easy enough to rely on Mom as perennial backup. So clearly, there are things that Dad can do. For example, he can say, ''I know you want Mom right now, but it's my turn to help you, and I really want to play with you.'' And give the kid some boundaries (and gentle discipline) when she pushes them and tries to reject him. She needs to learn, and you need to help her learn, that everything will be ok with Dad too, and that Mom will be there later. She will probably even learn that some things are more fun with Dad.
The third part of this equation is how to train yourself and your husband to be firm and consistent. Which means, first off, that you need to be willing to walk away from your screaming child who is busy rejecting his dad for no apparent reason, and explain to your child that you're not going to tolerate this behavior. The older the kid, the harder it will be to retrain everybody, but I believe that with consistency, it can be done. I've got a pretty sensitive kid, and if she doesn't get with the program, and she keeps misbehaving, I tell her I'm going to pick her up and put her on the sofa inthe other room. Then I follow through. It sometimes takes 3 times before she gets it, and sometimes the final one is to tell her while she's on the sofa (she gets up almost immediately and follows me back to the other room), that I can pick her up and give her a hug if she stops crying. (It helps to have some extra ''buffer time'' in your day- having a tight schedule makes it difficult to do these things.)
I also have started working more actively with my husband. This is the most aggravating part of it (and the reason why I am writing this long post, since I suspect I'm not the only one with this issue). Of course it seems so obvious to me that even though theoretically he's ''doing no wrong'' by being so passive and standing by while she runs back to me, he is tacitly handing her off to me, and making me take care of it. The aggravating part is that he sees himself as a victim, while I see myself as the 24-hr cop who never gets to have a break. (And you MUST not give in to the idea that you should ''rescue'' your screaming kid, even though you know that if you pick him up, he'll stop crying immediately. You have to give up the idea that you are the backup too.) And of course I think Dad should put as much active thought into it as I do, but that's not going to happen, so what I have begun doing is explaining to him in as nice a way as I possibly can that our daughter will learn to accept and respect him to the extent that he accepts and respects his authority over her. Although his first (angry) response to this was that he would ''strong-arm'' her to put on her pajamas or whatever the task at hand was, I gave him a few more ''empowering'' suggestions of how to discuss things with her (since it won't be long before strong-arm tactics just won't work anyway)--such as, ''tell her this is what we're going to do, here are your choices, and tell her I'm sorry if she wants to do something that's not within the realm of those choices.'' (By the way, we do not have these conversations in front of our daughter, and I usually wait until the screaming episode has passed to have these discussions, because otherwise we're all pissed off and unreasonable. but it usually falls on me to figure out how to resolve the problems.) And I explain how, if he does nothing after she screams and runs away, then he's basically rewarding her for her poor behavior. She gets what she wants by screaming. So, for example, I've suggested that he needs to have a plan: we're going to the playground, we're taking our pajamas off, etc., and to know what he's going to do if she screams. Then if she still comes back to me, I can check what his plan is, back him up with whatever plan he's got, and send her on her way.
This is not as awful as it sounds. She can still get hugs along the way, but she doesn't get rewarded for screaming, and if she comes back to me, she can get an explanation that it's Dad's turn to help her, and it will be my turn later, and that we need to go back to Daddy and say ''I'm sorry,'' and give him a hug, and that we need to talk to Daddy and let him help, but that's the way it's going to be. The intensity and duration of the crying gets less and less over time. In fact, as I write this, Daddy and daughter have *happily* gone off to the playground after resolving this morning's Daddy rejection. Once she realized that this is the way it is, and that Daddy can do it (and once Daddy realized that he can and must do it), they both had some fun, and it was easy. anon
Last updated: Oct 8, 2007
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