9 month old always favors daddy

This isn't really a problem, or shouldn't be, and sounds really selfish. But my 9 month old daughter just adores her father and seems to be not really bothered about me! If it's just me and her, or me and her out together she wants her mum, but if my husband's here all she wants is Daddy. She crawls around the house after him, and if I go to take her from his arms she shies away and hides her head in his shoulder. She's even been known to cry when i take her from him. And if she's in my arms and he cames close she reaches out to go to him! He can also make her laugh hysterically at the slightest thing, and while she smiles at her mum I really have to work hard to get a laugh.

It's not really a problem, and I'm happy that she is a healthy and happy baby, but I'm with her 24/7, I feed her, change her, bath her and put her to sleep. Selfishly, shouldn't I be popular??

Has anyone else experienced this? Will it last forever? I really hate that she turns away from way or cries. Emma

3-month-old suddenly won't be soothed by dad

I have a 3 1/2 month old daughter who I breastfeed and stay home with. My husband (her daddy) has been very interactive and participatory from birth. He spends a lot of the time on the weekends with her and I usually leave her with him a couple of times a week for about an hour, during the evening. Suddenly about 3 weeks ago she decided that she won't take the bottle (of breastmilk) that I've left for her so, she would be hungry and refuse the bottle and only get herself upset. Plus, it's in the evening so she's overtired anyway so she's hungry and overtired and then nothing he does will soothe her so she cries and cries. Then I'll get home he'll hand her to me and immediately she'll calm down. He hasn't been able to put her to sleep or do any of the ''soothing'' activities for the past few weeks. It's making him really sad and making me feel like I can't leave her... I'm wondering if she needs to just cry and cry with him until she figures out that he can soothe her and calm her. I want us both to be equal in her eyes - we both just love her so much! Any advice? Thanks in advance! KMH

You and your husband may also want to talk about how to be with your daughter through the feelings that come up for her around your leaving. Crying is both an expression of feelings and needs and a release of feelings. If he can stay right with her, holding her and really being present with her, I believe it can provide her the support she needs and will assist her in creating the trust and safety she needs with him. This is tricky, because I really don't believe at all in ''letting children cry it out.'' It's all in both of your attitude: don't ''leave'' her - really be with her when she's crying, and it can be healing. You may want to check out information on children's crying in Althea Solter's books, such as ''Tears and Tantrums,'' or do a search on the web under the author's name to find some articles by her. I don't like everything she's saying, but as always, take what works for you and leave the rest. Anonymous

I ended up settling for taking my breaks on weekends during the day when my husband was home since it was a less fussy time for her. During the week, we went for walks as a family. After she was four months old we started giving her food (cereal) and it took another month before she was really eating it. At that point, I was able to leave her with him and know that he had something to offer her that she could take. Evenings are still a fussy time, but my now 7month old goes to bed at 7:00 and I'm able to do a 7:30pm workout.

I know how hard it is at this stage for your husband who is anxious to show support and to be nurturing when he is home. All I can say is that babies go through periods when the only want Mommy (or the primary caregiver), but it passes. I had wanted my husband and I to be equal in our kids eyes too and have found that we are ''equal'' for our two year old. But while nursing and being the primary care-giver to an infant it will be uneven at times.

My advice is to not give up trying new ways of accomodating your need for time away and your husband's and baby's need for spending time together. Your baby will be going through so many different stages in the next year that what doesn't work one day may work perfectly a month from now. It took us a while, but there's nothing better than coming home in the evening to a smiling baby and husband who says everthing went great. Don't worry - it will happen! Diana

Breastfeeding makes it harder for men to sooth babies, at least that is what I found. When they are fussy with mom she can nurse them if nothing else works. Dad's do not have that option, and they are frankly less soft and swishy. You could try having your husband put on a T-shirt that you have worn to bed.

As for not taking the bottle, maybe you should work on that when you are home. It is almost impossible for my husband to sooth my son if food is not involved.

Good luck and keep breastfeeding. I have for 11 months so far and would not trade it for the world. Joelle

6 mos old more attached to dad than mom

Our six month old baby boy is way more attached to his dad than to me. It started around two months ago, when he woke up one morning and seemed to ''find'' his dad for the first time. Ever since then, our baby seems to be fascinated with my husband and is frequently content to just stare at him. I have always had to work really hard to get and keep our baby's attention - my silly faces aren't as funny or captivating as his dad's and he is way more likely to get bored or fussy when he's playing with me. He does track me when I move around the room or if he is in someone else's arms and little by little seems to be engaging with me - smiling and laughing more. He is a very social little boy and likes to stare and smile at everyone (especially men and people with dark hair). I was worried that I had done something wrong, but our pediatrician said that everything is fine and this is just a phase I'm super happy that our baby is so attached to his father, but can't help but feel a little sad when it comes to our relationship. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? anon

Furthermore, the better attached with dad s/he is, the easier your life will be later and less likely you're going to face tears and seemingly agony when you leave (but you will face that too).

I was very self-disciplined with my son when he was a baby and ensured that I was NOT THE ONLY one who took care of him. Dad put son to sleep, gave baths and I occasionally had nights out with friends. Now at 2, when I explain why I have to leave ''I have a meeting'' ''I have a class''. He's fine with it. But we still did go through a phase where despite all the time he got to spend w/ dad, he still desperately wanted me.

So rest assured. This is good and healthy. And babies at that age don't really give you all the ''I'm so in love with you mommy'' signs. They are discovering their world and the people in it. Right now your baby relates to You/mom as part of/an extension of themselves rather than a novelty. I wouldn't say s/he is more attached to dad, just more fascinated with. So if she wants their daddy, go have a cup of tea, go read a book and enjoy while you can.! attached mama

There are cute little things that he only does with me, and his dad doesn't understand. Certain sense of humor, that is different with me than with him. Think about your own siblings or cousins or other family members that you have that special connection with and noboby else does.

There will be things that tie him to you over time. And, kids know when you're faking it. It will be the real sincere things that are unique to your personality that will be a special bond with your son, and not the same things your husband has with him. Little Boys Love Their Mommies Too!

8 month old daughter favors her father over me

My 8 month daughter favors her father and even her 2 day a week caregiver over me. When I say ''favors'', I mean that when he walks anywhere near her, she will cry if he doesn't pick her up. She tracks him wherever he goes. She does not do this with me. Even when I nurse her in bed, after I am done, she turns from me to stare at him. The amount of time I spend with her does not seem to affect this behavior. If we have a wonderful day playing and laughing, she still ''ditches'' me when she sees him. Or, if I return from an absence, while she smiles at me she is content to stay with him. She seems equally attached to her caregiver who comes twice a week and sometimes on weekend nights. My husband works at home and is able to spend time with her during the day or in the morning. However, I spend the most time with her. I nurse her and feel we have a very good relationship. She is an easygoing, affable little soul who seems continuously happy. I like being with her and feel like she is happy with me. I tell myself how thrilled I am that my husband and she are so close, and that we have a caregiver to whom she clearly feels conected. However, deep down, I feel very sad. I always assumed most children, especially those who nurse, develope a primary bond, at least in the beginning, with their mothers, and I can't help but feel I have failed on some level. This feeling is pretty visceral and hard to ''think myself'' beyond. Has anyone else experienced this? anonymous

I received a lot of support from my husband and friends. I was also able to start looking at it psychologically and philosophically. For one thing, I realized that throughout my life, I've loved both my parents, AND really adored my father. That relationship was a true gift in my life and it felt wonderful to know that my daughter would have the same kind of connection with her father.

After that 3ish-month period, things shifted. When we were all together, my daughter sought my husband for some things, and me for others. Lately, she's been going through a mommy phase. I've learned a lot over the past year, and trust that when she has daddy phases again, I'll be able to handle it better. Good luck to you. Jill

10-month-old baby prefers everyone over mom

Several weeks ago, my ten-month old baby began showing a preference for her father, grandparents and nanny over me, her mother. In fact, she seems to prefer everyone -- other than complete strangers -- who are in her life over good ole mom. I've looked in the archives and have seen postings about preference for one parent over the other, but in this situation the preference extends beyond the immediate family. It doesn't seem to be related to the amount of time I spend with her (the nanny and her father spend far less time with her than I do) or to gender. And it isn't that she doesn't like me at all. When I'm the only one around, she smiles and plays and hugs and is generally fine. If anyone else walks into the room, however, she turns away from me, reaches both hands out to the new person and ignores me. When I mention this problem to other parents, I get puzzled looks -- something that leaves me feeling alone and ashamed. I know that it's good for her to attach to other adults and to feel comfortable with people other than her parents. I also know that her attachment to her nanny means that the nanny is doing a good job and that I should be thankful for it. So -- I'm not really looking for solutions or for ways to change the situation. I guess I just want to know that this is not unusual and that it will pass. I'd also love to hear from other people about ways in which they coped. Anonymous (please)

I have an almost 6 months old daughter, and she already tries to get other peoples attention. When she sits on my lap in a cafe, she would systematically look at each person around us, one by one, until she can exchange smiles with that person. Then she would move on to the next one. If someone doesn't pay attention to her at all - and some people really stare at their notebook computers with no breaks - her persisting flirting would eventually turn into frustration. She doesn't care about my trying to comforting her, she is just upset her effort doesn't pay off. Nothing I can do for her except asking that person to a smile at my baby!

There are different ways to smile and laugh, by the way. There is a quick smile, like ''Hi, how are you doing?'', or ''Hey, look at me!'', or ''Do you like me?''. It's about getting attention. I also get that one sometimes - not when she happy, but when she is anxious. For example, for my strict ''No!'' when she starts stretching or chewing on my nipple during breastfeeding. And there is a very relaxed, life-enjoying fat laugher which can go on and on over long peoriods. She would do that only with people who really play with her paying full attention to her, and who she knows well.

You may want to read a about early child development to get more professional opinions than what I am making up from my observations. I remember from my mom's group, that children typically build a strong tie to their mothers around 6 months. After that, they ususally look for a strong bonds with other people, typically the father, grandmother, nanny etc.

So, while I can see that your baby's ''cheating you'' is heartbreaking at first sight, it probably means that you did well as a mother, because your baby learned she can trust you. Julia

To what do I attribute her abundance of enthusiasm for others over me? Don't know really. There could be lots of reasons -- five days in an incubator in the NICU so we didn't touch enough when she was a newborn, my having to return to work when she was two mos old and grandmother caring for her, her naturally independent personality and love of novelty?

Believe me, this did bother me. I thought I must be such an innately horrible mother that she can't even feel attached to me. But my husband demonstrated to me that she is attached to me -- she does cry for me when I'm gone, she draws pictures for me at school, when she's scared she seeks comfort from me, she nursed until she was 2 1/2 -- just, for whatever reason, she doesn't show it in all the other ways kids often do. His argument was that she felt so secure in my presence that it allowed her to explore interactions w/ other people w/out worrying about my being around. Do I buy it? I don't know. but I do know that she is still independent, still prefers school to hanging out w/ me, still adores all the older women in her life. It's just who she is. Sometimes I wish she were a little more obviously attached to me, but I'm also glad that she moves so easily in the world and feels so confident in new situations. Sometimes I can predict the clashes we'll have when she's a teen, and I dread them. But I do know she loves me, so what else does a mother need? I feel ya

One-year-old Loves Dad More - Mom's jealous

Lately I've been filled with angst because of the way my one- year-old acts towards his father, my husband. I'm a stay at home mom and I spend all day with my son, playing with him, entertaining him, feeding him, etc., but when dad comes home from work, his face lights up and suddenly mom is old news. He cries when my husband leaves the room (not when I do) and only his dad can put him to bed or there will be a screaming fit. When he does something new he looks to dad for approval and the worst of all! He says ''Dada'' and not ''Mama.'' (I know that's very common, but still...) I feel unappreciated and jealous. Why does he get all the smiles and the laughs when I do all the work? I buy clothes and diapers and groceries and formula and toys, I make sure everybody has clean pajamas and that the kitchen is clean, I make my own organic baby food for god's sake! but as soon as dad walks into the room, my son will practically knock me out of the way to get to him. I feel like a crazy jealous fool, and when I tell my husband how I feel (we have a very close relationship and I can tell him everything) he literally laughs at me and tells me I'm crazy. I suppose it's a good thing that they have such a good relationship, considering they don't spend that much time together, but I can't help but feel rejected and depressed about it. Thanks

My point is, you are a given. Take it this way: your baby feels secure about you, knows you are there for him, knows you will not leave him. He doesn't know that about your husband. Remember, he's too young to have any concept of time, so as far as he is concerned, Daddy simply goes away at various intervals, and your son doesn't know why or understand the regularity of the departures.

You are doing a wonderful job. Know that your son ignoring you is a sign that he feels completely at home with you, and only a mom who had done a good job would get that from him. I know how you feel, my first daughter was very like that, and I felt terribly left out, terribly unwanted. That way lies madness! I ended up realizing I had some postpartum depression going on, and just couldn't see the positive side of it.

Don't let it get to you, you are doing everything right, and your son loves you. Take it from me, if you were gone as much as your husband, you would be just as much in demand -- because your son would not be as sure of you. Heather

My second thought is to imagine you have spent the whole weekend with your husband and then your best friend comes over for dinner. Aren't you likely to pay more attention to your friend than your spouse? Maybe even seem to be ignoring your spouse as you catch up with your friend? I wonder if the babies arent' so secure in the knowledge that you will be there that they don't need to capture your attention but these other people who come and go require more wooing and are extra exciting.....So the very fact that your baby is able to ignore you shows how important and special you are! OK, I don't know if that would have reassured me during the throws of jealousy but it's worth a try. been there

Secondly, please, please please, ask yourself: did you have a baby in order to receive emotional validation from her? Because that's what I'm hearing: you want validation from your baby. If you are looking to your child for validation, you are bound to be disappointed. Our children simply cannot (and should not) be counted on for that. Does that mean you shouldn't want your child's appreciaion? No, it is fine to *want* that. However, if your sense of self-worth is dependent upon her expressing appreciation for you, you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Validation is something that we all have to learn (and we ALL have to learn it, it doesn't seem to just happen automatically!) to do for ourselves. I think you'll agree, when you think about it, that this is not something we should put on our children - for one thing, we cheat OURSELVES when we do! If we rely on others for our sense of self-worth, there is no way they can ever give us enough or do enough to make us feel that we are worthwhile people, because we haven't developed that core sense of self for ourselves.

So, how to stop feeling jealous of dad? By remaining true to yourself and who you want to be as a person. When you KNOW you are behaving in the world as the person you want to be (some one *you* value and respect), you won't feel bad when your baby behaves as if she prefers daddy, because you won't need to look to her to reflect who you are back to you. You'll already know. You're a good person and a good mom. This is the same journey I am on, and I believe we all are. Best of luck anonymous

I was very sad about this. If someone had told me that it was a stage, and that she would one day run to me yelling ''Mommy, Mommy'' I would not have believed it. Well, my daughter is now 2.5 and it this has long passed. She still has a thing for daddy but she and I also have our special relationship. What helped me get through this time was this: 1) my husband did not laugh about this when I brought up my feelings. He would comfort me and pointed me that the she was probably just used to seeing me all day and therefore Dad was a novelty, someone to have fun with, etc. and 2) I would literally force myself to give her extra hugs, kisses, ''I love you's'', during those times that I was feeling rejected.

So, good luck you, Mom! I've been there I know how you are feeling. My daughter still prefers Dad to change her diaper and you know, that can be a good thing! :) anonymous

17-month-old favors mom

The way we've tried to cope with it is by adding some Father-Daughter activities to our weekly routine that allow my daughter to have quality time with her dad and at those times I simply make myself scarce. I found that when I was around all the time, my husband couldn't successfully get my daughter's attention. So he started taking her to a Saturday morning swim class at the Albany Pool and he also took over responsibility for the nightly bath. This gave me a break (which I needed) and provided some continuity in my husband's relationship with her. At first, she was leery and kept wanting Mommy. But now, after bathtime she is completely receptive to being read to or played with or tucked into bed for the night by her father and I can be involved or not, depending on what else is going on.

My husband and I realized that, from our daughter's POV, Daddy did not seem all that dependable as compared to Mommy. My husband works long, often irregular hours. He travels periodically. Sometimes he leaves home early before she's awake and sometimes he comes home late and she doesn't see him at dinnertime or even before going to bed. So my husband had to make a conscious effort to come home in time to spend the dinner and bath times with her whenever possible. At this age, children really long for the security that comes from having everything in its place (from THEIR perspective). My daughter still asks every day: Where's Daddy? (at work) Where's (Babysitter)? (she went home) Where's Mommy? (i'm right here). Routines (in which both parents regularly participate) and lots of reassurance have helped our daughter. She still has her moments when only Mommy will do, but now fortunately she can also feel secure with her father. Good luck !!

Our second son, on the other hand, has always cleaved to me. This made me feel better, but it also made me realize that it's not really something I do or don't do, or at least not entirely something I do or don't do...whether it's personality or circumstances or what I don't know. He still demands me, even though sometimes he and his dad have more "fun" (i don't roughhouse with him, for example, now that he's 34 pounds!).

I imagine it is a temporary phase with your daughter...it helps sometimes us if the less-favored parent spends time alone with the child in question doing something special--but it could just be a phase you have to tough out. Good luck!

18-month-old is rejecting mommy

My beautiful, funny, happy 18 month old daughter has recently started rejecting me (mommy) and it's breaking my heart. Unlike with her dad or grandma or older brother (he's 5), she doesn't run to me when I come in the door, she refuses to hug me (says ''no!''), pushes me away when I try to hold her, and only seems to begrudgingly accept my presence when there is no one else around. If Daddy or Grandma come into the house, she runs to them (if they're even in another room, she won't stay with me). My husband says she calls ''momma'' all the way home from her nannyshare when she is there, yet when she gets home she wants nothing to do with me. I work from home, so I see her a lot (the nannyshare is at our house 2 days/week), spend one weekday alone with her, still nurse her morning and evening, and feel like I am generally very hands-on, loving and affectionate. She's never been super cuddly, but I thought we had a very close bond. What is happening??? very sad momma

21-month-old favors mom

The way we've tried to cope with it is by adding some Father-Daughter activities to our weekly routine that allow my daughter to have quality time with her dad and at those times I simply make myself scarce. I found that when I was around all the time, my husband couldn't successfully get my daughter's attention. So he started taking her to a Saturday morning swim class at the Albany Pool and he also took over responsibility for the nightly bath. This gave me a break (which I needed) and provided some continuity in my husband's relationship with her. At first, she was leery and kept wanting Mommy. But now, after bathtime she is completely receptive to being read to or played with or tucked into bed for the night by her father and I can be involved or not, depending on what else is going on.

My husband and I realized that, from our daughter's POV, Daddy did not seem all that dependable as compared to Mommy. My husband works long, often irregular hours. He travels periodically. Sometimes he leaves home early before she's awake and sometimes he comes home late and she doesn't see him at dinnertime or even before going to bed. So my husband had to make a conscious effort to come home in time to spend the dinner and bath times with her whenever possible. At this age, children really long for the security that comes from having everything in its place (from THEIR perspective). My daughter still asks every day: Where's Daddy? (at work) Where's (Babysitter)? (she went home) Where's Mommy? (i'm right here). Routines (in which both parents regularly participate) and lots of reassurance have helped our daughter. She still has her moments when only Mommy will do, but now fortunately she can also feel secure with her father. Good luck !!

Our second son, on the other hand, has always cleaved to me. This made me feel better, but it also made me realize that it's not really something I do or don't do, or at least not entirely something I do or don't do...whether it's personality or circumstances or what I don't know. He still demands me, even though sometimes he and his dad have more "fun" (i don't roughhouse with him, for example, now that he's 34 pounds!).

I imagine it is a temporary phase with your daughter...it helps sometimes us if the less-favored parent spends time alone with the child in question doing something special--but it could just be a phase you have to tough out. Good luck!

2-year-old's preference for his dad hurts me

I've been feeling hurt by my son's preference for his father over me. Since he was 12 months old, he's asked for his dad whenever he's hurt, scared, or wakes up in the middle of the night. If he has a tantrum, he rejects me (runs away and says, ''No mama!'') and clings to his dad. He will come to me if dad's not around, though.

My husband and I both work from home, but I take greater responsibility for the kids if the nanny needs help. On the whole, though, we share parenting equally and have similar parenting styles.

What can I do to foster a better relationship with my son? We have regular outings, just the two of us. We have a solid relationship... until he gets upset, then he looks for his dad. I'm sad because this has been going on for two years now and I'm hurt every time it happens. Mother of Daddy's Boy

2-year-old refuses to have dad around

Hi, Not sure if this is common or not, but my 2 year old daughter refuses to have anything to do with me at night. She yells ''no dad, no dad'' and only wants her mom. Sometimes this is because she is tired and wants to nurse and wants the comfort of mom. There are times during the day where she will refuse to come to me, sometimes ignores me and sometimes even goes to play with other dads in a playgroup.

Luckily, this only happens 30% of the time, and when she is not acting this way we play together, she hugs and kisses me, wants to read and play with me.

It is very hurtful when she doesnt want me and even more hurtful when she goes to other dads in the group. Anyone have adivce or been through this? Thanks

2-year-old only wants dad - pushes mom away

I have a happy 23 month old daughter and have recently been lucky enough to leave my career to be at home with her full time for awhile. we spend lots of quality time together, going to parks, the zoo, music classes, etc. She and I have a good relationship and I make lots of effort to connect with her and show her how much I care for her. A couple of months ago, she began to develop a great attachment to her father. She’s always been fond of him - but suddenly she only wants to play with him when he’s home, only wants him to read her books, etc - often pushing me away. When the three of us are together, she has stopped giving me hugs and kisses in favor of cuddling and hugging her dad, and only says hello to him in the mornings, even when I’m the one to get up early to greet her. I feel slightly silly writing this because I know it must sound like I have nothing major to complain about - but it is painful to feel excluded by your child and I just wonder if anyone out there has experienced a similar situation, in which their child seemed to favor one parent over the other quite suddenly, with no appparant trigger (I am not aware of anything I did to push her away emotionally.) My husband is equally surprised by her sudden extreme affection toward him - and though charmed by it, he is empathetic and tries to make sure she includes me too, to which she usually refuses with a “no mama!” Strangely enough, if she and I have a particularly playful and happy time together during the day, she will call me “daddy.” I wonder if this is a normal developmental stage she is going through, or if there is something specific I should do to try to reconnect with her? - mother of a daddy’s girl

2-year-old prefers dad

I have an almost 2 year old son and ever since he was able to express feelings / preferences he has clearly preferred my husband. When I'm the only one around or pick him up from daycare by myself he is running up to me and hugging me, but as soon as my husband is around, he doesn't want anything or much to do with me. Sometimes he even pushes me away when I come too close to him and his dad. This is really starting to weigh down on me and I feel more often than not very sad and am crying a lot over this. My husband is understanding to a certain point, but he thinks I'm taking it too seriously since our son is just a little kid. He also thinks that I'm holding him responsible and show it in my attitude towards him. I don't think I'm holding him responsible, but I do have to admit that I'm envious of him being the prefered one and that probably shows. I know that everyone says little kids can only concentrate on one person at a time and that the preference is supposed to switch back and forth between mom and dad (then again, aren't little boys supposed to be more attached to their moms?) Since this has been going on for about a year now, I can't imagine that it will ever change or turn my way. I also have to say that my husband was always very involved with our son and (except for breastfeeding) did at least as much as I did in respect to all the chores like getting up at night, feeding, cleaning etc. He is also a very happy and fun person and is great with our son when they play or goofe around ... I'm thinking that this might be part of the problem since I just can't live up to the fun interaction he has with our son. I'm trying hard, but I am who I am and can't really change my personality.

I just wanted to see if anyone is or was in a similar situation and what they did to deal with it or overcome/change it. This is starting to affect my life and my relationship/feelings towards my husband and son who are both wonderful people. a sad mom

But...I have to understand that this relationship is what's important to Ben and so I step aside when I have to and never force him if there's no need. Our situation differs in that Ben will switch over to me if I spend the day with him. Maybe my husband takes a weekend day for himself or Ben and I go for a day ourselves. If I spend the better part of the weekend that switch is stronger. Also, his preference does seem to be the strongest on Friday (after a long workweek) and weakest at the end of the weekend (after spending a lot of time with me).

I know our situations may differ in some significant ways but for me the solutions were part attitude and part logistics. 1) spend as much time with him as possible, 2)keep my needs separate from the needs of my child (my feeling left out vs his need to bond with his daddy), 3)keep in mind that I will be his mommy forever and there is plenty of time for me to find my special place with him, 4)when he is showing a strong preference I participate in the activity with him and daddy, and become as involved as Ben will let me, 5)always look for the windows when he^Rll let me take the primary role and step in, 6)when I'm comforting him and he calls for daddy I try some gentle distraction (like walking out on the porch) to see if he'll calm with me. If not, I call in the daddy, 7)keep in mind that it is true to an extent that young children often bond with one caregiver, who is preferred over all others (usually it^Rs the mommy and so it feels odd to us when its not), 8) this has NOTHING to do with my love for my son or my abilities as a mother, 9)sometimes I try to see the blessing in disguise ^V if he wants to play with daddy then I get a free minute or two to eat my lunch in peace or do a personal chore. And at night it means I get to sleep while my husband often has to get up and comfort him, and 10) if I was to be honest with myself, wasn^Rt there one of my parents who I preferred over the other (and for me it has switched over time as my maturity level and needs changed and it has switched with the situation at hand).

I hope something in my experience helps you. Hang in there and know that you are the Mommy, and that^Rs something that your husband will never be. part time caregiver, full time mommy

Now my son is seven if asked he probably would say he still prefers dad but we have a tight bond too...I still try to find time to do special things alone together. It can be hard because my son's interests are really different from mine but I just try to keep showing up.

Our second child appears to prefer me so far....is this because parenting is less equally shared this time around or because daddy is not quite as doting since big brother needs attention too or some other reason? I don't know but I can't deny that it is a big relief!

I think you just have to weather through it and try to nurture your relationships with son and daddy as best you can. Be kind to yourself, you are a great mom. Sometimes I comforted myself by saying '' I am a great mom it's just that he is a SUPER great dad''. been there

2-year-old son is preferring dad

In the past few month, my son has become very attached to my husband. He's very vocal about preferring that my husband do everything from putting him to bed, giving him a bath, getting him dressed, etc. I'm trying to look at this as a break for me, and not feel rejected by it, but in truth my feelings are sort of hurt. My husband and I split our workdays so we both have large amounts of time with our son during the week. Is this a common occurence? How long does it last? Should I just ride it out? What's it all about anyway? anonymous

Things that have helped are 1) Being very demonstative in my affection for my wife. He sees this and wants to get in on the hugs and cuddles with his mom. 2) Reminding my wife that this is NOT due to something she has or has not done, because it began when he was just a few months old, before he could reason about such things. It is simply an innate preference, like his preference for eating only white and orange things. 3) When mommy is gone, we occasionally talk about why we like her, why we are so happy she is the mommy etc.

The intensity of the preference has lessened over the years. But it is very trying, for both parents. Best wishes. Steve

2-year-old son cries when mom holds him

While there is a wonderful write up on the issue of a child having a strong preference for one parent (see below) I would like to get more input into this.

My two year old frequently cries when my wife holds him and holds out his arms to me. He will often say to her "way" which means "away" which means "Get Away!" After a hard day at work, she comes home and will often get rather hostile treatment. He can reduce her to tears very easily. It is awkward for me, and horrible for my wife. He has had a preference for daddy since a baby, perhaps because I have been more of the care giver.

I have tried telling him he hurts mom's feelings, and ignoring him (easier for me to do than my wife). This behavior is getting worse, not better. Any thoughts?

I had good luck with my daughter when she was 2 with discussing her feelings. This seemed to work especially well with tantrums. We would talk about her anger and frustration. I would say things like "You're very angry, aren't you?" - well, you know the routine - the whole "active listening" thing. Those feelings are very personal, and the kid seems to feel a strong proprietary attachment to them. Denying or condemning the feelings can be quite injurious, I would think. The trick is to distinguish between thoughts or feelings on the one hand, and behavior on the other. He's free to think and feel what he likes, as long as he behaves properly. (I only learned that lesson when I was 38!)

Saying "way" doesn't sound like a very serious offense in itself - except for the fact that it's very hurtful to Mom. And asking him not to use that wonderful power-word is taking away a piece of his control over his environment. He does need his own space, after all, and he needs to be able to tell people to back off. Control is a big 2 yo thing too - and maybe that's it: Maybe he gets a kick out of watching everyone react with extreme emotion when he just utters a single syllable!

Or maybe your son is reacting to Mom (a) being away, and (b) being dog-tired when he gets to see her. (I think Penelope Leach has something to say on this topic.) He's feeling rejected in some way. In that case, the only remedy in my opinion is for Mom to make some accommodations so that she can devote more time (preferably when she's fresh) to your son.

Easier said than done, I know. And, given the fact that Mom is so deeply affected by these incidents, I'm sure she feels a tremendous level of guilt about it all too.

Is your son in some sort of daycare situation? If so, make sure that everything is OK there. Is going to daycare contributing to his sense of rejection?

After following the Oedipal Victor discussion, I am rather sensitive to the issue of our duty as parents and partners to make sure that our mariage/partner relationship is healthy. You sound like a caring person, so this is probably something you have considered.

Two is a difficult age - like adolescence without the hormones. Be gentle with yourselves.

2.5 year old is obsessed with dad

My 2 1/2 year old son is obsessed with Dad. I don't think any of this is unusual; however, after a while, I start becoming affected by it. He's constantly asking for daddy, telling me how much he misses him (while he's taking a shower), etc. His father is VERY present in his life, so he's not reacting to a lack of interaction.

Does anyone have any advice for how to swing the pendulum the other way a bit? I know it's very immature, but my son starts to hurt my feelings after I hear about daddy for the millionth time. I'm afraid I'm going to start developing resentment toward both of them (again, not rational or mature) and the begging and pleading will be just become exacerbated.

I'd appreciate any advice, feedback, etc. I know that just about everything is a phase; this one has just gone on for a bit too long and I'm getting resentful. Thanks for anything. Anon

2.5-year-old's intense attachment to mom

Hello, I have a 2.5 year old boy who has developed what seems like a total infatuation with me, the Mommy. My daughter was very hooked into me at the same age and it was absolutely fine (I do attachment parenting, so this seemed within the bounds of our close bond). My son's passion, however, is much more intense. It's hard to explain but it's partly physical (he's just all over me all the time) and partly emotional (refuses to let my husband hold him, read to him, serve him food, anything!). I am still breastfeeding my son a tiny bit (a couple times of week) and one friend told me that it's the breastfeeding that's fueling his intense Mommy focus. I'm not so sure I believe that and I wouldn't ''cold turkey'' wean him even if I did believe it--we are gradually weaning and something sudden would be quite a betrayal, I think. My real question is what is the most healthy way to deal with my son's passion--my instinct is to absorb his ardor (i.e., not push him away) and mirror his feelings so he feels like it's ok to love someone passionately. But I don't want to create an over-Mommified boy (or is that just dominant culture stuff that's seeped into my addled brain?) Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated--I do believe in raising sons who are sensitive, loving, receptive, etc. but I am also aware of the dangers of mothers who don't have good ego boundaries (having been raised by one myself, alas). Anon

Still, you have to weather this stage. When my son was about 2-1/2, my husband and I started to consciously add activities and projects that were just for them. They'd go on outings, or have an afternoon together at home, and my husband started taking certain day-to-day tasks (like bath time). It gave me a break and gave them time to bond. There were tears at first, but we all stuck to it and now there is a lot more room for everyone. another mom

I give him my love and attention when I can: lots of play, lots of hugs and kisses, but I do let him know when ''my hands are busy and you'll need to wait,'' so I don't feel overwhelmed. And whoever has started with the diaper change/dressing/reading a book continues, regardless of whether he decides to scream for the other parent, because I want him to learn (a) to interact effectlvely with both of us and (b) that he doesn't get to change things by yelling and screaming. If he asks nicely for me, I will do it if I can. Karen

p.s. to my post a minute ago - I read somewhere that you should reciprocate all physical affection, and use verbal messages when you need or want space. In other words, hug back and say Mommy's busy right now, daddy needs to put your socks on, or whatever.

2.5 year old is rejecting mom, wants dad

Over the last few months, our 2.5 year old boy has increasingly adopted a strongly antagonistic stance toward his mother, though only when both parents are present. Since he was about 1.5 years, he has expressed a certain preference for his father. This preference, however, is now accompanied by a vocal rejection of his mother, constantingly asking her to leave the room, to not do anything for him (feeding, changing diapers, playing, etc.)but rather have his father do it, sometmes telling her he doesn't like her. If the two of us are present, he does everything he can to be alone with the father and push his mother off into another room. When he and his mother are alone, on the other hand, they get along fine together. It has reached the point where we can not do anything together as a family. We expect that some of this must be due to the fact that we have done a number of moves over the last 6 months, uprooting him from his once stable world. Indeed, he does seem generally unsettled and easily irritated since we moved to Berkeley a couple weeks ago, though his antagonism toward his mother began well before this move, back when, otherwise, he seemed calm and happy. We are at a loss to know how to respond to him best, how to help him feel comfortable, nurtured, and joyful with both of us together. If you have had any similar experience, would we appreciate your suggestions on how best to deal with it. Thanks.

That said I think a very important aspect of what you are asking is the relative power situation you describe. Your description tells me that your son has way too much power in this situation. Children desperately need parents to be in charge of the family. It seems to me that you need to be asking your son to fit into your rules more (and that they be clear) rather than working so hard to fit into his.

When my daughter was close to three she had a difficult time having her father and me in the same location at the same time. We however were divorced. She sensed the tense feelings between us and tried to keep us separated because the tension was too difficult for her. Are there any tensions between you and your husband? Are you worried each time the three of you come together thus creating a tense feeling that your son picks up?

It is my experience that most behavioral difficulties with children are corrected when the parents make changes in how they are operating. Most of all it is important that you not take your son's behavior personally. My experience (32 years as a psychotherapist as well as 20 years as a single parent now an adoptive parent as well--and with grandchildren!) is that the child is working desperately to handle emotional energy that feels overwhelming and not good whenever a child behaves in this way. Hope these thoughts are helpful! Ilene

The way we handled it was this - whenever she would say ''No Mommy'', my husband would say, ''when you say no mommy, it makes daddy sad. If you say no mommy then daddy will go away''. Then if she said it again, my husband would go into his office and start working on something. He didn't leave the house or close the door, but he took his attention away from her. Since his undivided attention was what she was after - after awhile she stopped saying it and is now putting up with me again. Now, when I enter the room, she'll look at me and instead of saying no mommy she says, ''no mommy makes daddy sad''. You can see that she really wants to say ''no mommy'' but stops herself. Over the last few weeks things have gotten better and better.

I was SOOO glad that this ended. It was incredibly demoralizing for me to be rejected like that. I hope that your child's phase ends quickly. Please try not to take it too personally, it really is just a phase and will end.

Good luck Lonely Mommy

2.5 year old only wants mom, all the time

My daughter will be 3 in October. Increasingly, she has become very clingy and wanting me (her mom) to do everything for her: get her clothes on, get her a snack, take her to the bathroom, etc. She also gets upset if I leave her with her dad even for a short time. Tonight I needed to move our car from one place outside our house to another and she screamed and cried because I wouldn't let her come with me. It was not possible for my husband to move the car instead of me. In the two minutes I was gone she didn't stop yelling and deliberately urinated on the floor in our bedroom. My husband has been on vacation for the last two months (and I'm a SAHM), so it's not like she's not used to him being around. In the past, things have improved dramatically in their ability to do things together over the course of the two months. This year, though, it seems like she is more desperate for my attention. Thankfully, there are times when she is content to stay home when I have to go out for a longer period of time, so it's not totally constant. Frankly, though, I'm sick of it. Overall, I do far more than my share of taking care of her (and her older brother) and don't feel like she is deprived of my attention at all. Furthermore, I feel that her relationship with her dad is very important and that she needs to recognize that he can do things for her too. He goes back to work in a week, so I know the dynamics will change soon. I hate leaving a screaming child when I have to go somewhere (like to the bathroom by myself when we were camping), hate feeling like I'm the only one who can satisfy her, and am at the end of my rope. Any suggestions? Wrung-Out Mom

Be patient, one day she'll only want daddy and you won't be able to do ANYTHING without screams of protest. :) Kathy

3 yr old daughter likes Daddy better

My 3.5 year old daughter just told me that she likes Daddy better than me, because he does more fun activities with her and takes her fun places. True. Just this weekend he took her to a festival where she had a blast, while I stayed home with the napping baby and took advantage of the empty house to get some cleaning up done. Should I be concerned that she is not developing a positive relationship with me? Should I try to do more fun stuff with her, or should I accept that Daddy and me have different roles? Is she connecting with me in a different way? I am a little worried that later, as a grown up, she might remember me as the one with whom she never had any fun.

3 yr old daughter is mean to Daddy

I know it's normal for kids to go through a stage of favoring one parent over another, but it's still tough to know how to deal with it. Our 3yo daughter has always been a momma's girl. We worked on this by scheduling fun classes with her dad on weekends, which helped a lot. About two months ago, she got very sick (pneumonia). I did too, and I stayed home to take care of her. While she was sick she didn't want anything to do with her dad. If he came near her, she'd scream, yell, flail, kick, and slam things (which sure made things tough, since I was unwell at the time). When she got better, so did her behavior, but lately it seems like we're back at square one. This morning he said hello to her and she didn't even look up at him, she just kind of snarled. It's gotten so that my husband's reluctant to confront her and I'm always being called in to make peace after she throws a fit. I suspect that she needs more attention and is feeling insecure, but I'm just not sure which way to lean. When I comfort her and help her, I feel like I'm reinforcing her negative attitude towards her father. When I refuse to accept her behavior, she just completely loses it. Sometimes I lose it too, and end up yelling at her or her dad, which of course only makes things worse. I try to talk to her about being nice and not hurting Daddy's feelings, but it just makes her dig in her heels. Nothing my husband says helps either. I just feel like we're stuck in a rut. I also worry that she's picked up her volatile temper from me. My biggest challenge, in fact, is trying not to overreact to her outbursts. I've noticed that things defuse faster if I stay calm, but it's just SO hard when it's always on me and I'm having to deal with so many tantrums - especially when I'm nursing her younger sister! What can we do to restore peace?

3 year old son has strong preference for dad

Our 3 year old son has shown a strong preference for his dad over me (mom) ever since he was old enough to express a preference. When dad is home, he only wants to be with him - he tells me to go away, does not want me to play with the two of them, only wants dad to help him get dressed, brush his teeth, make his breakfast, etc. We do our best not to give into these kinds of things, which results in a lot of tantrums. When he crys out in the middle of the night, and when he gets hurt, he wants dad. He is fine with me when dad is not around and does not cry for him when he's not there (I work 3 days a week and am home the other 2, while dad works 5 days a week). It has gotten somewhat worse since his little brother was born last summer, but it was already going on before that so we can't attribute it solely to that. I do tend to be the parent who does things like doctor and dentist visits, and a lot of the more mundane day to day tasks, while his dad is a really fun playmate (though I want to be clear that he does take on an equal share of discipline and has done his best to back me up on this in every way).

I deal with it okay most of the time, but sometimes it makes me really sad. My questions - has anyone else had experience with a child whose preference is so clearly for dad over mom? If so, what have you done to try to balance things out? How did you deal with your hurt feelings? I've tried taking him on special outings, just one-on-one - we always have a lot of fun, but nothing is different when we get home. I also try to respect his need for alone time with his dad, given that he doesn't get to spend as much time with him. But we're struggling with how to handle him doing things like ordering me out of his room when dad is around. We've tried the route of telling him it's not acceptable to talk to either of us that way, and have given time outs, but that hasn't really seemed to work - it stops the behavior in the moment, or even for the rest of the day, but then it crops up again. Would it be better to just ignore those behaviors? Would appreciate any insights! anon

I don't have an answer, and wish that I did. It's been going on for over 6 months now. I guess I just wanted to write to let you know that you're not alone. I look forward to seeing if anyone out there has advice or words of wisdom. santina

3-year-old daughter is mean to dad

I'd love some suggestions about this. We have a delightful 3 1/4 year old girl, single child, who is more and more frequently being "mean" to her dad. It takes the form of speaking in a very, very cross voice to her dad, rejecting all offers of help from him, saying "don't talk to me" "don't look at me", making a growling-whining sound at him when he walks into a room etc...I'm sure you can imagine. Is this a normal 3 yr old stage? There haven't been any new stresses or changes in our lives. We have tried: 1)ignoring her outbursts,2) saying "I don't like the way you are talking right now", 3)telling her that it hurts dad's feelings when she is treating him in this crabby way all the time. We'll try to find some humorous thing to shift the mood....but I'd love other insights. Thanks!! Karen

I'm no expert on toddlers - my oldest child will be three in January. But I've had the same concerns recently, i.e. she's sweet and generally cooperative with me but lately not only uncooperative with her dad, but also physically abusive with slapping and kicking. I believe that a big part of the problem was that she wasn't seeing me treat him nicely. Since realizing this, I've made an effort to be extra demonstative, kind and affectionate with my husband and our daughter's behavior has greatly improved! Actually, we're all happier now...

I don't know how "normal" this behavior is, but I can assure you that my son (3.5 years old) exhibits the same sort of behavior, but it's directed towards *me.* His father has always been the primary caregiver, and we also had a second son in December, so our circumstances are a bit different from yours, and issues of jealousy about his little brother may be contributing to our problem, although our older son is always really sweet and well behaved towards his brother.

In my son's case, the behavior isn't relentless, but it sure happens regularly enough to really hurt my feelings, especially if I'm tired or have had a rough day already. Generally, the more lightly I react to it, though, the less severe it is. It's almost as though it's some sort of test that I flunk if I react strongly to it.

I'll be very interested to hear what other people's experiences have been with this sort of thing.

Response to parent who asked about their 3-1/2 year old daughter hitting her father. My daughter's behaviour towards her father began to change at around 3-1/2, including hitting and name-calling. We spent a lot of time trying to figure why. Here are some of our findings or theories....

At around 3-1/2 her Daddy became a much more important part of her life. It's not uncommon at this age for children to want the opposite sex parent all to themselves, to talk about marrying them or having them fall in love with them. I know that spending time with her father began to become much more important to her (and has increased over time - she's 4-1/2 now). As a result, it hurts and angers her much more than ever before if/when Daddy isn't around, even though he wasn't around less than before. Some of these feelings seem to get expressed in hitting and name-calling. My husband has made more of an effort to interact with her, and for them to have some special time together.

Another big change is that rough-housing has become really important to my daughter, and Daddy is the most fun for her to do that with (and he enjoys it more than I do). She has increasingly enjoyed feeling physically stronger and mastering the world, and rough-housing is really important way for her to experience these feelings.

My daughter has always been on the meek side and she's found it disconcerting and very frightening to have aggressive feelings now that she finds herself the big girl at pre-school instead of the intimidated little girl - she is now what she both wanted to be and was afraid of just a year ago. The way she talked about this was by telling me a "scary" story about a ghost who wanted to kill everyone in the world, but eventually decided not to and everyone like her. Rough-housing has been an important outlet for some of those feelings. We've encouraged this because we don't want her to feel that agressive feelings are bad - I think they are somewhat new to her and sometimes very strong, which has been scary, since she knows it's not right to hit people. The rough-housing lets her know it's ok to have these feelings and express them in the right kinds of situations, and that she shouldn't feel that she is bad for having these feelings. My husband says things about how strong she is getting, or what a good punch she gave him (and she always "wins"). But it's also very important to make sure she's clear about when it is ok to hit, or what it takes to start or stop rough-housing; we let her come up with "code words" to start and stop.

She still sometimes hits my husband when she is mad at him, but he continues to remind her to use words to tell him what she's feeling. The fact that he listens is important and it seems to be a big factor in her expressing feelings to kids, too, for example when another child is doing something that bothers her.

It is of course possible that children who are hitting and name calling can be angry for some reason, at the parent they are hitting or about other things in their life. Of course this is more difficult to figure out. My daughter can sometimes talk about her feelings, but at other times we get more insight into what's bothering her by listening to the stories she makes up.

We figured much of this out by trial and error and by talking with friends with kids of their own. I hope it's helpful.

3 1/2 boy rejecting daddy

My son is 3 1/2. I know that children of this age are notoriously fickle and moody, but he has been going through a very intense MOMMY phase recently which is threatening to get out of hand. We also have a daughter who's nearly 1, and this happened also right after she was born, but I thought he was past it now. (And he's doing better with his sister than he was before.) It's to the point where if his dad--who is affectionate, gentle, playful with him--looks in on him in the bath, or comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast, my son greets him with a scowl and/or says ''NO Daddy! I don't like you!'' or ''Go away Daddy!'' Yesterday after a nap, when I was somewhere else, it was more extreme even, ''BAD Daddy! You're a bad person! You're not my friend and I don't like you! I want Mommy!'' etc. Meanwhile with me, although sometimes he pulls the ''Bad Mommy'' line too, mostly he's all sunshine and affection.

Can anyone tell me whether this is all perfectly normal and will pass, or whether we're in some crazy Oedipal drama that will only end when he has driven his father away completely? My husband is very patient with all of this but has admitted lately that it's beginning to wear him down, and affect his feelings toward our son. He loves him very much, of course, but is finding all the rejection hard to take.

Any advice or anecdotes much appreciated. Mystified Mom

Kids can easily pick up when they've hurt a parent's feelings or even when they are tugging on heartstrings. And they will use it to their advantage (Who wouldn't? We all prefer to get our way). The problem is, by letting the child have inappropriate amounts of power, they have no security, because there is noone to rein them in, or provide structure. It's scary to know you can get your parents to do what you tell them to, because it puts adult responsibility and decisions, for which you're not ready, on your shoulders. (Been there - this was my childhood; there was a constant feeling of being on shifting ground. Plus, my parents always lost their power to me, making them feel frustrated. All in all, not so good).

My advice: Reactions and responses should be consistent and unified when he expresses these sorts of feelings. Both of you should try hard to not feel bad, especially with him able to see it. It's easy to pit parents against each other unless they're a unified force. As tempting as it is to cave and play the good guy role, don't let yourself.

Calmly, without bringing emotions into it, tell your child ''No, it's not okay to be mean to Daddy''. or ''It's ok, you don't have to like me, but sometimes you're going to spend time with me anyway''. And don't give in to the tantrums or screaming. Model what it WOULD be okay to say: ''It's okay to say 'I want some alone time now, Daddy''' so he learns what to replace his bad habit with. The first several times you do this, he likely won't even hear you due to screams. But over time, he'll learn there's a new way things are done, and that you draw the line at him abusing one of you. If possible, let him have space if he doesn't want to play with Dad, but he should not have Mom running in to console him either. Alone time means he gets space, not choice about who takes care of him. This is really to respect a personal boundary. He might not want to be touched by the less-favored parent, and that's ok if the situation allows. He doesn't get to constantly choose who takes care of him. Good boundaries

As long as your husband is good-humored enough to get through this, and your son is not actually hurting anyone, I'd just wait till its over. By the way - my son went on being sweet to me well into middle-school, even after he reconciled the Oedipal stuff and decided his dad had redeeming value. ''Boys are Different''

The other part of this problem is Dad. In my case, Dad has a tendency to be very passive and simply shrug his shoulders when our daughter says ''NO!'' and runs away from him. He also is so impractically thin-skinned that he takes a 2-yr-old's rejection personally, without noticing that she occasionally does the same thing to me. And of course, if I am alone with her, and we need to get out of the house for a doctor's appointment, and she runs away from me, her rejection is irrelevant. We get dressed, we go. Get over it. Dad hasn't figured this out yet because it's easy enough to rely on Mom as perennial backup. So clearly, there are things that Dad can do. For example, he can say, ''I know you want Mom right now, but it's my turn to help you, and I really want to play with you.'' And give the kid some boundaries (and gentle discipline) when she pushes them and tries to reject him. She needs to learn, and you need to help her learn, that everything will be ok with Dad too, and that Mom will be there later. She will probably even learn that some things are more fun with Dad.

The third part of this equation is how to train yourself and your husband to be firm and consistent. Which means, first off, that you need to be willing to walk away from your screaming child who is busy rejecting his dad for no apparent reason, and explain to your child that you're not going to tolerate this behavior. The older the kid, the harder it will be to retrain everybody, but I believe that with consistency, it can be done. I've got a pretty sensitive kid, and if she doesn't get with the program, and she keeps misbehaving, I tell her I'm going to pick her up and put her on the sofa inthe other room. Then I follow through. It sometimes takes 3 times before she gets it, and sometimes the final one is to tell her while she's on the sofa (she gets up almost immediately and follows me back to the other room), that I can pick her up and give her a hug if she stops crying. (It helps to have some extra ''buffer time'' in your day- having a tight schedule makes it difficult to do these things.)

I also have started working more actively with my husband. This is the most aggravating part of it (and the reason why I am writing this long post, since I suspect I'm not the only one with this issue). Of course it seems so obvious to me that even though theoretically he's ''doing no wrong'' by being so passive and standing by while she runs back to me, he is tacitly handing her off to me, and making me take care of it. The aggravating part is that he sees himself as a victim, while I see myself as the 24-hr cop who never gets to have a break. (And you MUST not give in to the idea that you should ''rescue'' your screaming kid, even though you know that if you pick him up, he'll stop crying immediately. You have to give up the idea that you are the backup too.) And of course I think Dad should put as much active thought into it as I do, but that's not going to happen, so what I have begun doing is explaining to him in as nice a way as I possibly can that our daughter will learn to accept and respect him to the extent that he accepts and respects his authority over her. Although his first (angry) response to this was that he would ''strong-arm'' her to put on her pajamas or whatever the task at hand was, I gave him a few more ''empowering'' suggestions of how to discuss things with her (since it won't be long before strong-arm tactics just won't work anyway)--such as, ''tell her this is what we're going to do, here are your choices, and tell her I'm sorry if she wants to do something that's not within the realm of those choices.'' (By the way, we do not have these conversations in front of our daughter, and I usually wait until the screaming episode has passed to have these discussions, because otherwise we're all pissed off and unreasonable. but it usually falls on me to figure out how to resolve the problems.) And I explain how, if he does nothing after she screams and runs away, then he's basically rewarding her for her poor behavior. She gets what she wants by screaming. So, for example, I've suggested that he needs to have a plan: we're going to the playground, we're taking our pajamas off, etc., and to know what he's going to do if she screams. Then if she still comes back to me, I can check what his plan is, back him up with whatever plan he's got, and send her on her way.

This is not as awful as it sounds. She can still get hugs along the way, but she doesn't get rewarded for screaming, and if she comes back to me, she can get an explanation that it's Dad's turn to help her, and it will be my turn later, and that we need to go back to Daddy and say ''I'm sorry,'' and give him a hug, and that we need to talk to Daddy and let him help, but that's the way it's going to be. The intensity and duration of the crying gets less and less over time. In fact, as I write this, Daddy and daughter have *happily* gone off to the playground after resolving this morning's Daddy rejection. Once she realized that this is the way it is, and that Daddy can do it (and once Daddy realized that he can and must do it), they both had some fun, and it was easy. anon

3.5 year-old daughter says ''I hate Daddy''

I'm hoping someone has some advice on how to handle the following situation. My 3.5 year-old daughter is in a phase where she is particularly nasty to Dad and loving towards me. It should be noted that I am 33 weeks pregnant, and I'm sure this has something to do with it. Several times a day, she rejects Dad with statements like ''I hate Daddy'' or ''I want Daddy to go away forever'' or ''I don't want Daddy in here doing xyz; I want Mommy.'' Often if we take her words lightly, and my husband engages her in one of her favorite activities, the rejection quickly fades, but of course, it's challenging to face her harsh words repeatedly through the day. Has anyone else dealt with this? Any suggestions for constructive responses? Many thanks. Dana

6-year-old daughter doesn't want mom around

Though my husband has enunciated to her that he loves us both equally (his wife and his daughter) I fear his behavior belies another truth and that is what is creating this extremely painful situation. Any input that can shed light on this matter would be very greatly appreciated.

From your description, I hear you say that your relationship with your husband is being played out through your daughter. Your daughter needs you and needs to have a healthy relationship with you..because you are her mother and regardless of the relationship you have with your husband. It is time to assert yourself and require respect from your family and yourself. Go to a counsellor or a minister or rabbi; go with your husband; go by yourself if he will not go.

After my sister divorced her husband, she said, based on her experience, "The most important thing a husband can do for his children is to love his wife." For her, that wasn't to be and she divorced him. Because of conservative divorce laws in another state she ended up having to move out of the house and not live with her children. She went through several years of her teenaged children rejecting her. With support and patience and unconditional love for her children, she managed to reestablish her relationships with her grown children as they passed into their early 20's. Of course, your personal circumstances and dyanamics are unique and what happens will be different. But at this point is does sound as though something needs to change. If I could bestow gifts upon you it would be courage, truth and compassion for the journey ahead.

First, your husband's behavior towards you: Regardless of what his behavior arises from, if it is behavior that either of you do not want your daughter emulating, I would talk to him about it in as unjudgemental a way as possible and simply state that children (or your daughter) emulate the behavior of their parents (you can give specific examples in your case), and you would like him not to do X [whatever X is] in front of her. Second, your daughter not wanting you on family outings: My husband and I have great respect for Rudolph Dreikurs, a well known child psychiatrist and author of "Children, the Challenge", whose teachings we have successfully used with our own son. Dreikurs says that the needs of the situation must always be considered and children must not be allowed to interfere with those needs. Decide privately with your husband beforehand whether you should be included in the outing, and if yes, then he or you should state firmly that you will be going and ignore your daughter's protests. Otherwise, she will be using her behavior to get her own way, and that is a power struggle victory for her. Dreikurs has lots to say about children who always win power struggles with their parents. The bottom line is, the child ends up an unhappy child.

On the other hand, Dreikurs makes it very clear that a child builds his or her own relationship with each adult in his/her life. He doesn't believe that other adults should interfere with that relationship. That's why I believe that you and your husband have to agree on those things that really matter in private and then present a united front to your daughter. If nothing else, I suggest you get a copy of "Children, the Challenge" (available at Cody's) and study it thoroughly. It will probably give you a lot of insights into other issues you listed.

Mom is the taskmaster, dad is the popular one

My 7-year old is starting to actively dislike me and it's rubbing off on my 3-year old. They jump around saying things like ''we like Daddy'' and ''we want to be with Daddy.'' Part of the problem is that I am the taskmaster in the house, and I just don't seem to know how to convey authority. My husband doesn't care if the kids take their plates to the sink or put their clothes in the hamper. He carries my son's backpack to the car in the morning because it's just easier to do it himself. When he takes my daughter to school, her hair is never brushed. So when I brush my daughter's hair, make my son carry his backpack, make them take their plates to the sink, I'm the meanie in the house. Somehow I don't have the authority to get them to take their plates to the sink with one request. It takes six. We have cleaners come in once a week, on Saturday afternoon, and I try to get the family to put toys, clothes, etc away with me before the cleaners come. My husband often refuses to help, saying that's not how he wants to spend his Saturday morning, and then the kids refuse too. Then they hang out while I clean up. My husband does the laundry, most of the dishes, drives the kids, etc -- he does a lot to keep the household going. He just doesn't want to involve the kids in household chores. My son is quite behind in math, and we have been told by his teachers that he should be doing extra math each night. Although my husband was a math prodigy who taught math to kids for many summers, he refuses to get involved. So there too it's mean mom and fun dad. My best friend says that this is just how it is -- moms are the ones who make sure the homework gets done, and dads get all the breaks because they're more fun. The difference is that her kids take their plates to the sink. So I have two problems: how do I civilize my kids with no cooperation from my husband, and how do I maintain a good relationship with my kids, when my son is already telling me that I'm too hard on him? My husband is not going to change. I think that the only way is to have better cooperation from my kids on my own. How does everyone else out there do it? tired mom

Right now I have a spoiled, entitled, unappreciative teen (way beyond normal teen behavior) and it is in part because we did too much for him and didn't expect enough from him (in the way of household responsibilities). My husband was expected to do way too much as a child/teen at home and in his family's business so he wanted to let our kids be kids, but it has backfired. So you and your husband need to talk about how to get your kids to be the kind of people you both are: taking responsibility for getting things done around the house. You both need to agree on what the kids' chores/responsibilities are (and revisit this each year or so). And then he needs to help you enforce the new system. Start now or regret it later!

You call yourself a taskmaster and a taskmaster isn't very fun to be around. Rules, such clearing dishes, are reasonable requests and it's not surprising you have to request this again and again. But give your children loving, polite reminders. I'm thinking it might be your tone that people are responding negatively to in your household. You might have to tell your family that you're sorry you're grumpy sometimes but there's lots to do and you can all have more fun together if everyone helps pitch in.

As for cleaning before the cleaners come, you can choose to do that or not, but you can't control what your husband does. It does sound like he does a lot for the family, and that's great.

As for the math, this is the biggest concern. Have you asked your son to ask his Dad for help? I think it will be hard for your husband to turn down his son's request for help in math. Maybe you can remove yourself from this and let them work it out. Good luck. grumpy sometimes too