Berkeley Parents Network >
Parenting, Families, & the Community >
Lately, I have been wondering about people from my past,
especially my high school boyfriend. I should indicate that I
am happily married, and have no interest in pursuing anything
romantic with my ex. I just want to know how he is doing, and
maybe be friends. I think the reason I want to connect with him
is because I feel bad about the way I treated him in high school
and afterwards when he tried to reconnect with me in college (I
am now 29). I would like to apologize and rectify my wrong
doings. Has anyone done this? I don't want to give him the
wrong idea, so I'm not sure I should do it. Any advice would
I say go for it. My very long-term college boyfriend, whom I dumped and
hurt very badly and haven't seen in over 10 years, recently Googled me,
found my e-mail address, and contacted me over e-mail. So I can speak
to how it feels to be on the other side of things. I had been curious
about him too, so I was really glad to make contact again. We spent a
few nights e-mailing photos and updates about our lives (we are both
also happily married with children)and, yes, apologies about how we
both made mistakes and feel badly about them now. His stated reason for
contacting me was to find out if I was doing okay, and I'm sure that was
a part of it, but I suspect that he also wanted to have a chance to show
me how well he is doing and how lucky his wife is (he looks great, has a
really well-paying job and lavishes a lot of vacations and gifts on his
wife). But that was fine with me. I was happy to see that he is doing
well, even though he achieved his intended or unconscious goal of
creating some jealousy on my part. Who knows? Your ex-may enjoy a
similar opportunity to let you know that he is doing really well now.
Anyway, my point is that I think it was a positive experience on both
sides, didn't evolve into anything more than a few e-mails, satisfied
curiosity, and relieved guilt.
you can try a google search or zabasearch.com for addresses, phone #'s
etc, which may or may not be up to date. or if you know his parents'
address or phone number that may even be better. I did this years ago,
thinking that I was a bit of a jerk, and I wrote a letter. After 3 or 4
months, he wrote me a deservedly semi-nasty letter back, then bygones
were bygones, and we communicated a little bit, then i lost touch again.
if you want to do this, i'd suggest that a) you make it extremely clear
that you're not looking for a relationship, and b) you just want to
apologize. don't count on having a friendship with him, but you can feel
good about ''resolving'' your past lack of politeness. my experience is
that most men who are happily involved may not get around to writing
back, and those who are single or unhappily involved will contact you,
but will ALWAYS have in the back of their mind a hope of sexual
contact-not necessarily a relationship. which can be a little awkward.
i would not even consider doing this without being upfront with your
I went through something similar but I definatly had some romantic
feelings, although mostly it was a desire to go back to those carefree
days of youth. Are you sure you just want to say sorry? Are there not
other reasons? How would you feel if your husband wanted to get in touch
with his ex? Have you told your husband? I have a feeling he would not
be real into the reunion.
I say don't do it. What helped cure my wanting to get back in 'touch'
with my highschool love was remembering why I dumped his sorry ass in
the first place, then I was like 'I can't believe I'm
romanticizing/fantasizing about that jerk!' -hey don't get me wrong he
was great in many ways and we were very young and foolish, but some
chapters in life need to stay closed. At least while you are married.
I have had that curiosity myself, and by a weird twist of a chance
meeting, my husband and I actually have dinner from time to time with my
high school sweetheart and his lovely wife. It feels like getting
together with an old family friend, though I maintain a healthy
emotional distance. I also connected a while back with my old college
flame (THE one), and after wonderful email discussions he almost
cratered his marriage in wanting to meet with me. So I've seen it go
both ways. That being said, I want to caution you about your
intentions. There is actually emerging research in this area that
suggests that people ''imprint'' on their first loves, and many, in
going back to reconnect, find those old feelings emerge with an
intensity akin to parental bonding. If you are truly happy in your
marriage, tread carefully in this area, because more and more marriages
are breaking up due to this ''lost love'' phenomenon.
Some important questions to ask yourself are: why are you wanting to
connect with him at this time? Why now? Why are you desiring to be
friends with this particular person, now? What needs are you hoping
will be met by this interaction or relationship? How would your husband
feel about this, and do you plan to tell him your plans for this new
friendship? If you are simply wanting to apologize for past behavior
and wish him well, you could write him a letter. If that for some
reason is not satisfying to you, ask yourself why. Good luck.
Don't go there. Find another way to assuage your guilt, or wait 'til
your 20th anniversary high school reunion to apologize.
Look at it this way: whatever dynamic made you ''treat him badly'' in
high school and later in college either is still there or is no longer
there. If it's still there, you'll wish you hadn't contacted him (and
possibly raised his hopes). If it's not there, you'll wish you hadn't
contacted him (and possibly threatened your marriage).
Let it go.
Older and Wiser
I have experience from the other end - the man who hurt me at age 19
recently contacted me after running across my name on the internet
because of my work. He wanted to apologize after all these years; says
that being able to talk to me about what happened and say sorry will
bring him peace in addition to having a need/desire to know that I'm
doing ok. We have been in touch now for a month or so and I still
haven't decided whether its a good thing or not. There is a strong
potential for trouble with these situations if there was any idea that
the relationship may not have filled out its potential in the past, in
my opinion, so maybe that is where you need to focus (whether you are
happily married or not, I know that for my friend, being in contact with
me has brought up questions regarding his own marriage which he
considered fine before and he never thought would be a consequence of
contacting me). Also, I know that him showing up again in my life,
beyond the complex idea of being friends again, has opened up a chapter
in my life that I had closed and am not sure I like having to re-visit.
If you are only doing this to make yourself feel better, please think
about the kind of emotional issues this may bring up for him - he may
not want to re-visit the past and whatever happened between you.
My life has certainly had more emotional turmoil recently because of him
and I wish he had thought more about the consequences of contacting me
before he did it. Best of luck regardless.
This website is free, but I think it only finds people who have
previously or currently own a home: ZABASEARCH.com You can also
register to any of those high school alumni websites. Classmates.com
has worked for me, but only if the friend you're looking for is
registered himself. Otherwise,you can ask around to those signed up at
Classmates.com about your friend(s).
As for advice on finding your ex- does your husband know about this? If
not, I would advise you to talk to him first! Make sure he will not
feel threatened, and sneaking around would make him mistrust you.
As for making sure your ex is not misled, make sure he knows up front
your intentions! You say you treated him negatively in the past- poor
guy, don't do this to him again! Be up front about your intentions and
it should go well.
I'm a good 10+ years older than you, but I clearly remember reaching a
similar point in my life, analyzing, wanting to right the wrongs,
realizing how badly I behaved in certain situations. I also think these
feelings are what drives us to hold and attend reunions.
I also have an ex I'd like to apologize to, but cannot track down. I
also think I deserve an apology from another ex...
I think it's okay - just good karma, and ensure that you set the right
tone in the way you choose to make contact.
Maybe he'll appreciate the effort, maybe he won't. If you absolutely
have no other agenda (or are very honest with yourself about your true
motives), then why not? It's about making amends, feeling good about the
changes you've made, the ability to understand and go forth and live a
better life, right?
I did something that is now freaking me out. I was idley
surfing the web when I typed in an old boyfriendís name (first
love) and surprisingly it hit on a website. The main issue is
that I hope he cannot tell if someone hit his website. Do any
of you know if a website owner can tell who has visited their
home page?? I would be so embarrassed if he ever thought I
carry a torch for him (Iím happily married!) but seeing his
picture on the home page sure did stir up old memories (itís
been over 15 years since last seeing him) ---hence the feeling
of freaking out. I regret even connecting to this person in this
way and hope that he cannot tell I made that ''connection.'' Any
comforting ideas you can send to me?
It is EXTREMELY unlikely that our ex-boyfriend will be able to
tell that you visited his website. IF he hosts his own website
(i.e. it's not geocities or something like that), he MAY be
keeping logs that would tell him the IP addresses of the people
who visited his page. If he was so inclined (and most people are
not) he could find out who the IP address was assigned to and
come up with the name of your provider (e.g. sbc.com and perhaps
the name of your computer). Now unless you've named your
computer with your own name, that still won't tell him who the
computer belongs to. For that he would have to contact your
provider and most would ask for a court order before giving him
Now, given that he probably gets quite a few hits from random
people, it's EXTREMELY unlikely that he would do this, and so I
BTW, looking up old boyfriends or old friends is an extremely
common use of the internet :)
I am fairly sure that only your IP address will be logged, and depending on your
internet access provider and set up at home, you may have a permanent IP address
or one randomly assigned to you everytime you log on.
I doubt very much he is combing through his weblogs, anyway. Don't worry!
People look up old boyfriends/girlfriends/friends all the time, there is nothing
shameful about it. I recently googled one of my old boyfriends and learned that he
is now the managing editor of Hustler Magazine!
It's highly unlikely that he could tell you went to his web page.
Many web sites will log the IP address of the computers
requesting web pages, but that's all. Not more personal than
that. He might be able to trace that IP to whomever you use for
an ISP (dial-up or DSL etc), so could figure out it was from the
bay area, but not all the way to you. Plus most places that host
a small web site for you don't give you access to these logs, and
even if they do the logs are way too boring to look through
unless he had a real reason to look for something specific. So
don't worry about it!
I just found out my ex-boyfriend got married over the weekend.
He was the first person I fell in love with (I was in my early
twenties) and I was distraught when he had to leave the country
for a job opportunity. I was heartbroken for a long time -
years. He and I had limited contact except for one occasion
several years later at a mutual friend's wedding where he told
me he was still in love with me and he was saddened that we
didn't work out. I was not happy to hear this as I was engaged
and my fiancť was in the next room. I tried to blow off that
conversation and even suppressed it, angered that this was
coming out at a friendís wedding and I was no longer single.
I love my husband but he's so different from the first man I
fell in love with and that's depressing me. It's horrible to
say but I was passionately, sexually aroused by my first
boyfriend and I havenít been passionately, sexually aroused by
my husband. I fell in love with my husband for his wonderful
personality, loving and caring nature among many other
qualities. Sexually desiring my husband didnít really make a
big difference to me until now.
Is this normal? Am I a candidate for marriage counseling? Do
people still think about their first love? Do you ever compare
the two people? Does everyone desire their husband or wife and
are passionately/sexually attracted to him or her? Again, I
love my husband and I don't know what I would do without him.
We have a sex life it's just not what it was with my ex.
Thanks in advance for reading and providing any advice or
I had a very similar experience. My last real boyfriend before I found my
husband was someone to whom I felt an enormous sexual attraction.
He didn't always treat me well -- even cheated on me -- and was kind of
dysfunctional, but I was deeply attracted to him and it took me a very
long time to get over him.
I, like you, fell in love with my husband because of his kindness and
personality. but never felt that overwhelming sexual attraction. And for a
long time I fantasized about that old boyfriend -- even though I loved my
husband and didn't know what I would do without him. But now, after
13+ years of marriage and the birth of a child, my perspective is really
different. I would MUCH, MUCH rather have a kind, funny, gentle,
generous partner who makes a great father and is supportive of me as a
total person, than an overwhelmingly sexy partner. Sexual attraction
just doesn't matter that much.
I saw that old boyfriend earlier this year, and not only felt nothing, but
was really glad I didn't end up with him. My husband and I have a very
good chance of remaining married for the whole of our lives. That old
boyfriend and I would probably be divorced by now.
My husband and I briefly saw a marriage counselor, right after our child
was born, to work on rebalancing work/household chores and other
issues (divorce was never a question). As I explained it to that therapist,
I chose my husband with my head first, my heart second, and my body
last. She not only didn't think it was an issue that I didn't have that
sexual attraction, she seemed to think I had made my choice in a very
So even though what you feel is confusing, I don't think it's anything to
be terribly concerned about.
I went through a very similar situation. The fact that I was
still in ''love'' with my ex-boyfriend did not help an already
troubled marriage. I don't even know that it was love. Lust
might be a more appropriate description. I think if I had
married the right man I would have eventually been able to
forget about the previous relationship. Since you already have
the right man, maybe you and husband can can work on improving
on the sexual and romantic component of your marriage.
That being said, I know it is hard to forget about certain
people sometimes. I have been to counseling after the divorce
to discuss ''the special man'' and it did not help. Hopefully,
someone else can come up with suggestions on how to forget
When I look around, I see that not everyone is passionately
sexually attracted to their partners all the time, I think people
get attracted, sexually, to many other people all the time, but
suppress what goes on inside them. People also choose
life partners for other reasons besides sexual passion, not
realizing it until something stirs us later, like an old
Some of these passionate attractions that get us in the gut
can also be teasers and not realistic. If they were
consummated, other unseen issues would arise and the
fantasy of passion would fade. I chased an old female friend
who I was in love with for 10 years, and when I was finally
single again and available, she professed extreme desire.
Long story short, she avoided me constantly in reality but
talked desire and intention on the phone. I chased her and
waited for a year before she chose someone who would
obviously hurt her and even then she still said we would get
My current partner and I have very different wants for physical
affection and I did not see this until recently. She is an
awesome mom and incredible human, yet she leaves me
desiring more often. What you are feeling I think happens
much more than we would guess. Some people try to find
solutions with intense honesty to their partners.
Relationships I think will always get intense and test us to
our very core with something we do not perceive until we are
in the relationship deeply. My partner and I have talked about
an open relationship, but have never done it. We share
attractions we experience with others openly to each other in
an air of trust and understanding and that has been very
healthy for us. I think this is an issue that has yet to reach a
place of understanding and maturity with all of us in our
modern society. There is more fear and suppression going
around than we would like to acknowledge. Love your
partner and yourself and I hope you find wisdom and a good
solution for your heart and tummy.
Having an attraction for someone you once loved so deeply is
completely normal. However, if you find yourself constantly
comparing your husband to your ex, and if you feel you are less
happy with your husband than you would have been, had you
married your ex, this is a problem. Ask yourself - is my
attraction for my ex affecting my marriage? If the answer
is ''yes,'' then I think counseling is a good idea.
Not marriage counseling, but just talk to a counselor who will
help you explore why you don't feel as happy as you believe you
would be with another man. Many times, we blame our
dissatisfaction with life on our lover or spouse, when in
reality, this unhappiness is due to our own loss of purpose or
sense of being unaccomplished.
Once you have worked through these issues with yourself, then
you can decide whether marriage counseling is appropriate. I
would highly recommend sitting down with your husband and
telling him that you have not been happy lately. Don't blame
him, but let him know you are going to seek counseling to try
and sort it all out in your mind. If he's a loving man, he
will be more than supportive of your efforts to be happy and
you may fall deeper in love with him than you ever loved your
Boy, do I know how you feel, although in my case the attraction
is to an ex-girlfriend, and it's an emotional attraction, not
sexual. She was my high-school girl friend for 3 years 30 years
ago. It was your typical hot and heavy high-school relationship.
What hurts is not that we're not together now, since we probably
weren't ultimately really right for each other, but rather that
now she refuses to have any contact with me for reasons I can't
figure out. Even now, 30 years later, I constantly have dreams
in which I meet up with her in bizarre situations, and ask her
why she won't talk to me. What's really strange about this is
that she ended up as the leader of one of the mainstream
religions in the USA, a position that I would have assumed would
require endless compassion and empathy. All I'm asking for is a
phone call every once in a while and maybe a get together every
year or so. I am not looking for anything sexual.
So, to answer your question, you're not alone.
Your feelings are normal and, in some ways, I think we all
idealize our first real love. My relationship with my husband
is similar to your situation. I love my husband and couldn't
imagine life without him, but we don't have a very passionate
relationship. The things I was looking for in a husband were
different that what I wanted in a boyfriend -- and it is hard
to ''find it all''. My husband is loving, thoughtful, patient,
caring, a wonderful father and even cute. But, there isn't a
lot of sexual chemistry and we have a very mediocre sex life.
Though I am not attracted to anyone else (ex-boyfriend or
otherwise), I have been thinking about the chemistry that I
have shared with previous partners. I do long for that in some
way, though I don't quite know where to go from here. Sounds
like we are both good candidates for therapy or counseling! It
I think it's very normal to carry on a certain amount of
attraction to former lovers. I'm happily married, but still think
of old boyfriends from time to time. Of my early boyfriends,
one died and one discovered himself to be gay after we
parted ways, and I still find myself thinking about both of
them, what I loved, what I wish had worked, etc. I try not to
compare the old loves to my husband, even though that is
very hard sometimes. The fact is, love is love, and you are
who you are. Loving people in the course of your life is part
of making you who you are. Those relationships are always
with you in one way or another. However, if you really find
yourself distracted by the past and your old love to the point
at which it is distracting you from your current life with your
husband, you may need to talk to someone in greater depth
about what keeps you attached to the past.
Happy with the here and now
There was a weird time in my life, in my mid to late 30's,
when I became absolutely obsessed with another guy while
in a long-term marriage. This wasn't a former boyfriend
but I think it is relevant because in retrospect I am
amazed and horrified how easily I created fantasies in my
head about me and this other guy being together. It was
clearly a romance made in hell, never could have worked,
no way, but at the time, it was all I could think about for
months and months. In my mind he was so irresistable and
the perfect one for me. I manufactured all these little
opportunities to see this guy and talk to him and just be
in the same room he was in. It got to the point where
I was basically stalking him. I misinterpreted everything
he said to me, and all of his actions, so that I heard him
saying things to me that he just wasn't saying.
LUCKILY he was clueless enough to not realize how intensely
I wanted him, and LUCKILY I had just enough reason and
reserve left to not go quite over the edge with the obsession.
With time, the obsession faded and now when I think of him,
the only thing I feel is relief, that I didn't do anything
stupid. Since then, a couple of woman friends have confided
that they have had similar intense obsessions. My theory is
that there is some hormonal thing that kicks in towards
the later part of our childbearing years, that makes us go
crazy with the desire to procreate some more before it's
too late. I don't know about this, but whatever it was,
it turned me, a well-adjusted sensible person, into a
raving sex-crazed lunatic!
Hang in there
I also had a girlfriend in high school that was my first love,
but she moved away to the East Coast with her parents, and I
pined for her for many years. In fact, I did not date for years
in case she happened to move back. Like you, I had limited
contact with her, mostly through letters, and I was always
anguished to read in letters that she still cared for me. Then,
she married another, and I married my wife. However, the
emotional tie to the other woman remained unresolved within me.
From reading your mail, I hear a bit of a ''the grass is greener''
feeling within you. If you're like me, you have an idealized
view of that time when you and this man were dating, and the
movie plays in your head that ''life would be perfect if I had
married him instead''.
Unfortunately, this is a lie, fed to us by popular media. We see
many images of people coupling, divorcing, and trysting in movies
and TV. Ilicit sex and adultrous drama sells, but should not be
considered a normal part of monogamous relationships.
(Donning the Dr. Phil hat)
You were called to love the man you are married to. I understand
the emotional attachment you have to the fantasy of the other man
you loved. That part is normal. But he is married now, and that
is the reality of the situation. Divorce rates are staggering,
and break many hearts and lives. You must guard yourself against
that road. Your role is to honor his marriage as well as your own.
Your husband loves you, and he might suspect that you are missing
something in your sexual relationship with him. Or, he might not
know you are wanting more romance and passion, and for the sake
of your marriage, he needs to know.
You already feel it within that you think you could benefit from
marriage counseling. Opening communication with your husband
about your sexual feelings will be a difficult process, and you
will need a support system in place. Thus, I encourage you to
seek an outside source of wisdom. Individual counseling,
marriage counseling, pastoral counseling. Make sure it is
face-to-face time with someone who has had a long, successful
marriage and has been in your shoes. We all have these ''grass is
greener'' feelings, and they need to be validated by a trusted source.
Validation of your feelings is different from condoning you to
act on adultrous desires. Don't listen to the lie--you will be
destroyed from indulging in the temptation. Any voice that
advises you to leave your husband (physically or emotionally) is
not to be trusted.
Once the communication lines are opened with your husband,
encourage him to learn the art of pleasing you...and make it seem
like it's his idea. :) Your husband, I would wager, desires to
be a better lover to you. However, stop comparing him to others,
even within your mind. It is eroding his ego, and eroding your
commitment to the covenant of marriage.
It is tough to let go of a dream about someone you loved.
Battles like these are won in the attitude of the heart. Love
always hopes, and love always trusts. Obviously, hearing of this
other man's marriage brought up old, unresolved feelings within
you. You need to work through these feelings, let the love for
him die, and fill the empty hole that will be left with love for
As for me, I attended the marriage of my former girlfriend.
Although it was a tough transition, she and I were able through
calls and visits to transform our feelings into a non-romantic
friendship. We sat and discovered that I felt led on by her
letters, and when she said she ''cared for me'', it was as a
life-long friend''. We had some painful, but healing
conversations. Her new husband was understanding, and I made it a
point to get to know him and understand why she loves him, from
her point of view. Then, I had to go through the grieving
process to let the romantic love for her die. I prayed, I
received pastoral counseling, and I read some self-help books for
romantic ideas to fall in love with my wife all over again.
My first love is now a positive memory, and was an important part
of my maturity and coming of age. But now I know the fulfillment
and importance of loving my wife, and letting her know when I'm
having a tough time emotionally. Sharing with her my doubts and
fears, and knowing that she loves me anyway, is worth more to me
than anything in this world.
I will be praying for you--take care.
It's not uncommon for married people to feel attracted to their
ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. Relax, it happens. Sometimes its a
question of the grass is greener on the other side. However, the
way you are feeling may eventually affect your marriage in
different forms, such as resentment, less sex, etc. In which
case maybe you ought to seek professional advice for yourself.
If your husband does not suspect anything (yet), even better!
Marriage counseling is a good idea if you've already confessed
to him about the way you are feeling. Many folks have had at
least one that ''got away''. I call it ''sentimental amnsesia''. No
doubt this guy was great, so ask yourself why didn't it work
out? You and your husband have made a commitment to stick out
through the tough times and the good times. This is one of
those tough times. Hopefully you can lean on your girlfriends or
perhaps a close family member and just talk about it until the
crisis has passed. After all, are you going to leave everything
that you've created to go running after a guy that got married
this weekend and risk losing the family and relationship you've
built? Probably not. Perhaps after fantasising about this the
way you have, maybe it's time to think with your head and be
honest with yourself about what you want from your marriage and
how to acheive it. I don't mean to sound harsh but maybe its
just the reality someone like you may need right now. Thx.
Uh oh. Do yourself a favor and get some counseling. And remember,
the grass is ALWAYS greener. Do you think your relationship with the
boyfriend would be as exciting with kids, jobs, daily pressures of life? It
would be great for a while (because it would be new), and then reality
would set in, and you'd probably have the same problems, ruts, etc. that
you do know, just with a different man.
I think my husband was the best boyfriend I ever had (and the best
husband, I've been married twice). But sometimes I do wonder what a
relationship with another man would be like, and I think that is normal.
What is not good is fantasizing too much about someone else or acting
upon your fantasies. Try to find a way to feel passionate about your
I don't believe there is only one true love or only one Mr. Right for each
of us. Instead I think there are shades of right, many possible partners.
Marriage is an agreement to live as partners with one other person and
to love one another and be true to one another, in passionate times and
not-so passionate times, and build a life together.
Don't ruin your marriage. I took up with my old boyfriend during my first
marriage, so I can speak from experience. Once you cross the line, you
can never go back. Go rent the movie Unfaithful. I saw it and it was a
chilling reminder (even though my husband did not kill my boyfriend) of
Wow - I too find myself attracted to an old boyfriend. I left
him because he had some serious commitment issues (and still
does). When I got married, he cried and cried saying I would
be his one big regret in life. We actually saw each other
again after 10 years and have developed a nice friendship. He
confirmed that he still regrets his decision to not commit to
me and now he's miserable and single. I'm fairly sure my
attraction to him stems from an ideal image of love that I hold
in my mind - a definite fantasy. We were young and carefree
and I was sure he was the man for me. My husband of 10 years
certainly doesn't standup to that ideal - nor could anyone. A
candidate for counseling? Certainly. My husband isn't a
counseling type and we're a little short of disposable income
right now so I don't see it in the picture for now. I'm very
interested to read other responses. I think it would make a
great book. How many woman truly pine for a past love?
That was very selfish of your ex-boyfriend to tell you he still
loved you when you were affianced to another man (competition).
He probably knew it would get to you and it was his way of
holding on to a piece of you (b/c of his own fears, nostalgia) at
a time when he knew both of you were headed down different paths.
You realize there is no cost to his saying such easy words; he
would never have to prove this professed love of his. He wanted
to plant that idea in your head so that you would continue to
think about him, to ''love'' him. He needs that, to have you (or
anyone else) pine for him. Do you think he knew what he meant by
saying he still ''loves'' you? Do you know what he meant by ''love''?
Do you both mean the same thing? Maybe he sensed a mutual
attraction when you met again and wanted to do something with it,
such as flirt with you, play with your vulnerability, and tell
you he ''still loves you.'' How romantic (sarcasm)! I wish he had
shown you more respect, shown more self-respect, kept his mouth
shut and acknowledged that you were in a new phase of your life
however perfect or imperfect he judged it to be. If I were you, I'd
embrace my husband even moreso for his integrity, his maturity,
and for the way he treats me at all times. And if I thought
about this ex again it would be only to help me think about what
came out of ME sexually that I could try to bring out in my current
relationship with my man! (Don't worry, he's not likely to kick
you out of bed whatever you try.)
Guess what? I have an unbelievable relationship with my
husband--we are connected and passionate with each other on all
levels (emotionally, intellectually, sexually)--and I STILL think
about other men, ex-boyfriends included. I think it's a normal,
human response to others; a basic animal instinct. At least for
me. It's also entertaining myself with the unknown and having the
luxury to imagine the ideal experience. But if fantasizing on one
level makes you unhappy with your actual situation, what does
that mean? I don't know. Maybe that your body wants something
it's not currently getting? Can you do something to boost your
sex life with your partner?
Your post brought back memories...! A man that I had had a love
affair with and then been obsessed with for 10 years (during most
of my 20s) finally told me he wanted to be with me. I spent some
time alone and during that period would break down sobbing every
time I thought of him. I thought I had been holding out for him,
but when I ''got'' him, the feeling turned out to be so hollow and
empty that it felt like everything inside collapsed. Does that
make sense? I think I cried because that was not the feeling I
had been waiting for all those years!!!I am reminded of the
Balzac story (Amour de Swann?) in which a man falls in love with
a shallow woman only to discover that he has fallen in love with
his image of her.
Obsessed with nobody
this page was last updated: Nov 10, 2008
BPN is now a 501(c)(3) non-profit and we are building a new website!
Read more, and see how you can help:
The opinions and statements expressed on this website
are those of parents who subscribe to the
Berkeley Parents Network.
Disclaimer & Usage for
information about using content on this website.
Copyright © 1996-2014 Berkeley Parents Network