Leaving for College - Empty Nest
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Leaving for College - Empty Nest
Jan 2012
I'm wondering if anyone has any specific advice on an aspect of
having your first kid go off to college and the separation that
entails: for the 18 years my kid has been on the planet, I've
known her whereabouts at all times, and that she's been safe.
My daughter is a highly responsible, trust-worthy individual;
she has traveled widely, many times on her own; she is a new
driver but has followed through on letting me know that she's
arrived; she's basically a very grounded young woman who works
hard and is finding her way in the world, which makes me very
confident in her abilities. I am not a neurotic mom, just an
involved caring mom who is used to a certain dynamic that is
about to change big-time. Here are the questions: how do other
parents make the transition to having a kid far from home? How
do you know how they are? How often are you in touch? How do
you stay connected without interfering with their newfound and
developmentally-appropriate separation from you? How do you
know, especially if its your daughter leaving home, that she is
safe? Do you have agreed times that you check in with one
another, and if so, how? We havent's heard back yet from
schools so I don't know which campus she's heading to, but they
are all good schools, mostly in big urban centers on the East
Coast. As she didn't apply to any school in California, I know
she'll be heading far from home. She is looking forward to
college and ready to go on to her next chapter. I am respectful
of her maturity and earned place in the new world of college, I
just need to figure out how to make the ''new normal'' work for
both of us.
Another big leap just ahead
Oh my. This question may set the all-time record for responses.
Yes, this is hard. And, I think you're asking all the right
questions of yourself. Our daughter is 3,000+ miles away. For us,
what has worked is emails & texts & the occasional phone call/Skype
chat. She's busy; she has her own life; we don't want to impede that
-- but, we need and get reassurance that she's okay. I think that's
what you need to get agreement on ahead of time. ''I need to hear
from you'' once a week? every few days? Talk about it. At first,
she may be homesick and you'll get a lot. Then maybe not so much.
What works for me is a calculated email now and then. How was XXX
practice? Has [roommate] improved? How are you doing on money?
[always a winner] In a pinch, ''Hey! Haven't heard from you in a
while. Everything okay?'' It's hard not to know what your kid is up
to, but it's do-able. And, from my experience, the more we let go,
the more she's looked forward to coming home.
still chew my fingernails dad
My kids are now officially young adults and on their own but I
remember my first going off to college as if it were yesterday! I
remember telling my therapist that I wasn't sure I wanted to drop him
off (at UC Santa Cruz) because I might cry. Her great response: And
you don't think there will be other mothers there crying?
My second went to UC Davis and I loved the ''Parent to Parent''
column in the parent newsletter. You can find all of these on-line
by googling:
aggie family pack parent to parent Some of them are dated (re:
instant messaging) but most is solid, timeless advice.
My real advice to you is in response to your closing line: I just
need to figure out how to make the ''new normal'' work for both of
us.
I don't think you do have to figure out how to make it work for both
of you. You need to figure out how to make it work for you
(admittedly huge)---but your daughter needs to figure out to make it
work for her. Letting go is really hard. After a while, you'll find
that it's such a blessing to have them away---you don't worry as much
about their safety when you don't know what they're up to!
Good luck. You'll find that all of these things sort themselves out
over the first six months of your child going off to school. It
won't take long before you'll be the ''expert'' and can advise next
year's group of parents.
Been there
I have a daughter who is a freshman in college. She too lives out of
state. Here are some suggestions. One, start to wean yourself from
having to know where your daughter is now. It will be good for your
soon to launch daughter too to have more freedom for the next 6
months while she is still at home. If she makes mistakes, you are
close to intervene for the next few months.
My daughter last year did not have a curfew. I asked her to call by
11 pm to let me know her plan for the night, so I could sleep. And,
she did not call me to check in when she went out. Did I worry? Yes.
But that worry was my issue, not hers. I wanted my daughter to
experience more freedom and less ''mom'' check in before she left
home. We both grew from the above experience. It helped me make the
transition to her leaving home. It gave her an expanded sense of
responsibility and room to handle herself.
I have asked her to call me once a week, every Sunday. As for knowing
that my daughter is safe when she lives far from home. You can't.
Your daughter is about to launch. This is what the 18 years of
raising her has been about. When your daughter lives on the East
Coast, she will have to handle herself. You will have to learn to let
her do that. What I have found out is that my daughter will send text
messages in-between calls. If I hover, she disappears. Remember, it
is the developmental agenda for our kids to separate. Do I miss my
daughter? Oh yes, but I am immensely proud of her. She is thriving,
making friends, learning to do on her own, and making good grades.
She loves college and she told me, ''I love my independence''. Make
sure not to take the latter away from your daughter next year because
of your needs. And, I send a hug.
Peggy
I understand how you feel, that is where I was last year. I think
such question really has 2 parts: 1- how to best prepare my daughter
for college, and 2- how to prepare myself for her departure.
To answer Q1, let me share my experience. About campus safety- when I
took her to the dorm, I rented a car and tried to take a look at the
neighborhoods around the campus & told her about it. (she did not
have time to go with me:) I asked the school president during the
orientation about alcohol & drugs, campus rape, the neighborhood, and
other safety concerns they might have for students. The response was
realistic. About sex: I gave her a lecture about sex: ''You owe it to
yourself to enjoy sex! Don't do it under influence or drunk, don't be
somebody else's trophy, don't let others use you as a toy, sex is
beautiful, learn to enjoy and appreciate it, don't rush into it and
make sure you are ready to enjoy it.''
I made her an appt with her doctor just to talk about sex and
contraception and morning after, etc. I think that was necessary and
she appreciated it. Also I bought her a big box of condoms.
About Q2: I text my daughter once a day, ''Hi'' and she texts back
''Hey'' and we talk on the phone or Skype on weekends. One good thing
is that when I took her to the dorm, I met some of her roommates who
are now good friends with her. Occasionally when I cannot reach my
daughter and get worried, I call or text them and they don't mind
helping me:) If you don't have younger ones at home, you might get an
empty next feeling for a couple of months, then you'll get used to it
as soon as you realize your daughter is getting used to her new life.
BTW - My daughter started missing home after a couple of months.
Finally, I came across this by accident. Although I only read a few
pages of it, I found it very interesting:
http://smr.yale.edu/node/12/attachment
Enjoy reading.
Dear Mom of a Departing to College Daughter-
My daughter is attending her first year at a college in New York. As
a single parent who is close to my only kid this was quite a big
change to face for both of us. We did the college visit, sat in on
the orientations, met the room mate,set up the dorm space ( and
thanks to the BPN parent who suggested mailing items to the college
rather than shopping when you get there, good advice for us.) We
agreed upon touching base set times of the day, which cuts down on my
anxiety and her homesickness.(Texting works for us too.)I met and
got the numbers of the dorm staff.We skype once a week with her dad.
Maybe that seems I am being an overbearing parent but it gives me
some peace of mind.A book titled ''Letting Go-A Parent's Guide to
Understanding the College Years'' was helpful.
It is an exciting time, scary and depressing in parts, thrilling to
watch your daughter set out in new territory without you. It is
takes some getting used to but it reads as if you are anticipating
what to do beforehand which is definitely the way to go .Good luck to
you both.
Mom who has been there
I found that in order to communicate with my college kids, I have to use
whatever form of communication they like best. Texting is very popular now, so
that is probably a good choice, especially if you can figure out their
schedule so that you text when they have time to respond. Some kids may like
email better. Some kids may like chatting through facebook. You have to figure
out their preference, and use that. And, if some new means of communication
pops up, learn about it quickly and be ready to use that.
In addition, use all means of communication a little bit if you can. Skyping
is really great, but they may not want to do that very often. Make sure you
email and call once a week or so, even if you don't get much of a response.
Send cards and letters and little gifts. And go to see them when you can,
maybe once or twice a semester.
You have to be flexible to keep the communication going.
Sanon
My first born is in her first year of college back east. Your description of
yourself & your daughter sound just like us! I completely understand your
concerns, despite the communication & understandings you have now & how
responsible your teen has been. Yes, it is a huge change to be on your own &
far away from home. I found, firstly, that the months leading up to her
departure were the hardest. In retrospect, it was the anticipation along with
a dose of sibling tensions (have a daughter who is 3 years younger) & the
seemingly endless list of tasks & decisions. Once she was gone, and we all
started settling into the new routine, it was much better. Of course it made a
huge difference that she was happy & didn't report any big challenges! We were
similarly accustomed to constant checkins so I would know where she was & that
she was safe. I have a lot of trust in her judgement & I'm pretty sure she
will let me know if she needs help. We text a lot, talk & skype regularly. I
know some families have regular skype dates with their college students. She
didn't feel like she could work that into her schedule so we'll just checkin &
see about a call or skype later in the day, over the weekend, etc. Between
texting, calling, FB, email, skype, etc, it feels a lot easier to stay
connected in small & larger bytes. Hang in there & all the best to you & your
daughter!!
first time college mama
My first born is in her first year of college back east. Your description of
yourself & your daughter sound just like us! I completely understand your
concerns, despite the communication & understandings you have now & how
responsible your teen has been. Yes, it is a huge change to be on your own &
far away from home. I found, firstly, that the months leading up to her
departure were the hardest. In retrospect, it was the anticipation along with
a dose of sibling tensions (have a daughter who is 3 years younger) & the
seemingly endless list of tasks & decisions. Once she was gone, and we all
started settling into the new routine, it was much better. Of course it made a
huge difference that she was happy & didn't report any big challenges! We were
similarly accustomed to constant checkins so I would know where she was & that
she was safe. I have a lot of trust in her judgement & I'm pretty sure she
will let me know if she needs help. We text a lot, talk & skype regularly. I
know some families have regular skype dates with their college students. She
didn't feel like she could work that into her schedule so we'll just checkin &
see about a call or skype later in the day, over the weekend, etc. Between
texting, calling, FB, email, skype, etc, it feels a lot easier to stay
connected in small & larger bytes. Hang in there & all the best to you & your
daughter!!
first time college mama
August 2011
My firstborn is off to college in 3 weeks. While I have 3 more
years with my younger daughter, I'm finding this to be a very
challenging process. The most recent support referrals on the
website are from Feb 2009 so looking for current resources -
peer support or professional. Thanks.
mc
There is a support group for moms that meets in Albany one Saturday a month
for moms whose kids have gone off to college. The group is facilitated by
Ms. Toni Littlestone. Contact her at workvision@aol.com for more
information.
mom of college sophomore
Feb 2009
Hi, I'm missing my son, my only child, who is away at
college. I'm still adjusting and feeling lonely. I seem
to remember reading a posting from someone who was
organzing a group for empty nesters--but I can't find the
reference. Does any one know of such a group?
anon
Hi--I am the person who has started the Off-to-College
Support Group. We have had two great meetings and would love
to have you join our group, which meets monthly at my home
in Albany. Give me a call at 510.528.2221 or email me at
workvision@aol.com for more information and to find out
about the next meeting.
Toni Littlestone
The group is at a house in Albany, and the next meeting is
Feb 28. I'm sure you would be welcome. Email me and I'll
give you details of the hostess's phone so you can call and
check with her personally.
Linda F
There is a group for empty nester moms. The next meeting is in late Feb.
Contact workvision@aol.com for more info. good luck.
S.
Jan 2008
It's the same-old-same-old: my only kid (female) went off to
college last September in Britain, and, ironically, now that
she's coming ''home'' for the holidays, I am feeling
abandoned, especially when I try to figure out the best deal
on a round-trip ticket for her, and she tells me, ''Mom,
don't you understand that California isn't my home base
anymore?'' Well, I realize that, but it still hurts to hear.
I also realize that she has to separate and that she still
loves me. Any ideas, comforting thoughts, preferably from
those who have experienced this sort of separation anxiety?
Yep, this hurts, doesn't it? I have two junior girls, one
in college, one in high school. The oldest one started to
do this her second semester of high school - pull away,
and not too subtly. I swear that this is a natural
progression - the kid becomes so hateful that the parent
actually CAN'T WAIT for them to leave (as opposed to
getting closer and then have the parting be too traumatic
for both!) Her first summer back from college was a
nightmare for both of us (and all this with no drug,
alcohol or boyfriend issues at all - just friends - all
good kids, every one of them - and curfew issues on top of
my menopausal sleep and cranky issues). I told her that
the next summer she couldn't stay here unless things
changed - and she got a camp counselor job an hour away.
Now she's home for the holidays and I think we may have
turned the corner. I put out my minimal needs for family
time and her sister (who worships her) does the same - and
she seems genuinely happy to be out and about (or just
home) with us at those times - then out with her friends
for what I consider an ''appropriate'' amount of time. I
know that this came as a real shock to me, as we had
pretty much avoided all typical adolescent issues
previously, and I had kind of assumed that we would be
dealing ''adult to adult'' after high school - but here's to
say that, NO, you're just on to a different stage in
dealing with adolescent separation - but this too shall
pass and hopefully someday . . . adult to adult???
me too
November 2004
Are there any empty-nesters out there who can give me some
advice? I'm a single mom and my youngest child just left
this fall for college. I find myself mindlessly watching TV
and playing computer solitaire. What do others do at home
in the evenings in the empty nest? I don't necessarily want
to fill my evenings with outside activities.
Take up knitting?
Lonely...
Dear Mom of child who just left for college:
I went through this 2 yrs. ago when my son, my oldest left for college.
My younger daughter had to go to her dad's for High Holidays that year
and I was alone at that time of year for the first time since my son
was born in 1984. I was so sad and lonely, I didn't know what to do. All I
can say is, this too shall pass. Like w/ everything else, time helps heal
the loneliness and sadness. If you don't want to do outside activities (I
didn't either), just read, do your work, try and get together w/ your friends,
garden or buy flowers, treat yourself to something, and just experience
the lonliness, don't try to make it go away. I hope your child comes
home for holidays. It is easier for me know although I still miss him and
look forward to his visits, however infrequent. I do have my daughter still
at home, every other wk end she goes to her dad's which after 8 yrs. I
still hate. But this is my life and I just try not to feel sorry for myself
and just love my children and do the best I can. It's not easy, I know. All the
best to you.
Susan
Two thoughts regarding your question about what to do when the youngest
goes to college: You may want to mourn a wee bit for the piece of your job
that you're losing.... and for a few weeks vegging out isn't such a bad way to
do it.
When you're ready, I'd recommend a trip to New Pieces, on Solano Avenue.
New Pieces is a fabric and quilting store, and a wonderful resource for the
large community of quilters and doll makers in this area. There is even a
group that makes simple quilts for sick kids, as a community service.
If interested you can take a basic class in quilting. If you need an excuse for
a new project, I'd recommend making a lap quilt for your ''baby'' to take back
to school 2nd semester, to study under... the process of sewing and quilting
is wonderful, the women you meet this way are wonderful, and the time you
would spend worrying or wondering about your kids becomes something
productive you do with your hands.
Good luck, and enjoy your time -- you've EARNED it!
Heather
You ask, ''what to do, take up knitting?'' Why not take up
knitting! You will keep your mind busy, learn a new skill,
and satisfy your artistic soul all the while surrounding
yourself (if you wish) with wonderful, supportive fellow
knitters. Most local yarn stores have reasonably priced
classes where you can learn the basics, and then you can
go on to join a workshop or drop by any number of ''stitch
and bitch'' gatherings held all over the place - just ask
one of your fellow classmates who seems to be a kindred
soul which gathering they like. If you prefer to stay at
home, knitting takes most of the guilt out of watching TV,
and your local yarn store can provide technical support
when you need it. Here are just 3 local options among
many: Skein Lane in El Cerrito across from Fat Apples,
Article Pract on Telegraph at 51st, and The Knitting
Basket in Montclair. Have fun.
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