Berkeley Parents Network: Empty Nest

Berkeley Parents Network

Empty Nest

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Parenting, Families, & the Community > Empty Nest

Feeling abandoned after only kid left for school
Youngest child just left
related page: Advice about College

Feeling abandoned after only kid left for school

Jan 2008

It's the same-old-same-old: my only kid (female) went off to college last September in Britain, and, ironically, now that she's coming ''home'' for the holidays, I am feeling abandoned, especially when I try to figure out the best deal on a round-trip ticket for her, and she tells me, ''Mom, don't you understand that California isn't my home base anymore?'' Well, I realize that, but it still hurts to hear. I also realize that she has to separate and that she still loves me. Any ideas, comforting thoughts, preferably from those who have experienced this sort of separation anxiety?

Yep, this hurts, doesn't it? I have two junior girls, one in college, one in high school. The oldest one started to do this her second semester of high school - pull away, and not too subtly. I swear that this is a natural progression - the kid becomes so hateful that the parent actually CAN'T WAIT for them to leave (as opposed to getting closer and then have the parting be too traumatic for both!) Her first summer back from college was a nightmare for both of us (and all this with no drug, alcohol or boyfriend issues at all - just friends - all good kids, every one of them - and curfew issues on top of my menopausal sleep and cranky issues). I told her that the next summer she couldn't stay here unless things changed - and she got a camp counselor job an hour away. Now she's home for the holidays and I think we may have turned the corner. I put out my minimal needs for family time and her sister (who worships her) does the same - and she seems genuinely happy to be out and about (or just home) with us at those times - then out with her friends for what I consider an ''appropriate'' amount of time. I know that this came as a real shock to me, as we had pretty much avoided all typical adolescent issues previously, and I had kind of assumed that we would be dealing ''adult to adult'' after high school - but here's to say that, NO, you're just on to a different stage in dealing with adolescent separation - but this too shall pass and hopefully someday . . . adult to adult??? me too

Youngest child just left

November 2004

Are there any empty-nesters out there who can give me some advice? I'm a single mom and my youngest child just left this fall for college. I find myself mindlessly watching TV and playing computer solitaire. What do others do at home in the evenings in the empty nest? I don't necessarily want to fill my evenings with outside activities. Take up knitting?
Lonely...

Dear Mom of child who just left for college:
I went through this 2 yrs. ago when my son, my oldest left for college. My younger daughter had to go to her dad's for High Holidays that year and I was alone at that time of year for the first time since my son was born in 1984. I was so sad and lonely, I didn't know what to do. All I can say is, this too shall pass. Like w/ everything else, time helps heal the loneliness and sadness. If you don't want to do outside activities (I didn't either), just read, do your work, try and get together w/ your friends, garden or buy flowers, treat yourself to something, and just experience the lonliness, don't try to make it go away. I hope your child comes home for holidays. It is easier for me know although I still miss him and look forward to his visits, however infrequent. I do have my daughter still at home, every other wk end she goes to her dad's which after 8 yrs. I still hate. But this is my life and I just try not to feel sorry for myself and just love my children and do the best I can. It's not easy, I know. All the best to you. Susan

Two thoughts regarding your question about what to do when the youngest goes to college: You may want to mourn a wee bit for the piece of your job that you're losing.... and for a few weeks vegging out isn't such a bad way to do it.

When you're ready, I'd recommend a trip to New Pieces, on Solano Avenue. New Pieces is a fabric and quilting store, and a wonderful resource for the large community of quilters and doll makers in this area. There is even a group that makes simple quilts for sick kids, as a community service.

If interested you can take a basic class in quilting. If you need an excuse for a new project, I'd recommend making a lap quilt for your ''baby'' to take back to school 2nd semester, to study under... the process of sewing and quilting is wonderful, the women you meet this way are wonderful, and the time you would spend worrying or wondering about your kids becomes something productive you do with your hands. Good luck, and enjoy your time -- you've EARNED it! Heather

You ask, ''what to do, take up knitting?'' Why not take up knitting! You will keep your mind busy, learn a new skill, and satisfy your artistic soul all the while surrounding yourself (if you wish) with wonderful, supportive fellow knitters. Most local yarn stores have reasonably priced classes where you can learn the basics, and then you can go on to join a workshop or drop by any number of ''stitch and bitch'' gatherings held all over the place - just ask one of your fellow classmates who seems to be a kindred soul which gathering they like. If you prefer to stay at home, knitting takes most of the guilt out of watching TV, and your local yarn store can provide technical support when you need it. Here are just 3 local options among many: Skein Lane in El Cerrito across from Fat Apples, Article Pract on Telegraph at 51st, and The Knitting Basket in Montclair. Have fun.

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