Discipline: how do you decide where to set the limits?

I feel I struggle with where to set limits every day. Do others feel this? I mean very generally, of course, safety is always the priority, but there are so many shades of grey. How do others sort this out? For example, yes, the kids probably shouldn't run in the house, but the backyard is less safe than the house and can I really say, ''only run when we're at the park?'' I think my boys need more options than that. So the unspoken rule is that they can run in the house, but I try tomake sure everything is off the ground, that they're not too tired, they're not running with objects in their hands, etc. I know the day will come when someone gets hurt running in the house and I will feel bad about not enforcing a ''no running in the house'' rule. I could go on and on with similar but different examples, but hopefully you get the gist. How do you navigate the shades of grey in limit setting? anon

So, what should the rules be? You are the mom so you get to decide what the rules are. Don't worry too much about what other moms do. Every parent I know has a different set of rules for their house than what we have at our house. It sounds like you really don't mind if the kids run in the house, so you don't need to make a rule against running. Maybe the rule is they can't run with anything in their hands. Or they can't run when they have food in their mouths. But these could be rules that you add later after something bad happens. For now you could just scratch the running rule and focus on other rules that are more important to you. Really think about it before you make a new rule though. Is this something you can and are willing to enforce every time?

My basic philosophy about rules is:

1. I don't want them to hurt themselves too badly (a skinned knee is OK but a Transformer through the eyeball is not)

2. I don't want them to hurt other people (that includes hitting or teasing another kid, bothering adult friends and neighbors, and pestering pets and family members)

3. I don't want any of *my* stuff trashed (they are not allowed to swing lacrosse rackets in the house which might (and did) break my antique sconce, or use my kitchen gadgets for outdoor water play.)

I think I have more rules than other moms because of my strong attachment to my stuff, and my desire not to be pestered. On the other hand, I like to give my kids a lot of independence so I've let them try new things at an earlier age than some of their friends whose parents thought it too risky. So, you should decide what's important to you, and make your rules accordingly.

By the way I am not an advocate of 100% consistency - I think it's good to sometimes relax the rules for special occasions. But you have to at least be 85% consistent or they won't take the rules seriously. Good luck! They call me a strict mom

I'm not advocating no rules. Be a stickler with the big things, and let the littler things go or your kids will always feel pent up. Just go with your gut feeling, and know that you may change your mind along the way. It's okay to change your mind when you get more information or just have a different feeling. There is no such thing as perfect parenting

Now, if your ''rule'' or restriction has something to do with what you wrote, enforce it every time. If it has nothing to do with what you wrote, hold your tongue. If you said you want your child to be responsible, then let them run in the house telling them they will be responsible for cleaning up or replacing anything that gets broken. If something gets broken, or spilled, have your child clean it up, figure out how to replace it or work with them to solve the problem.

I don't know about your kids, but my daughter does not get to play outside as much as I did as a kid. About 1/3 of her time is spent indoors. This means that often the rules are more relaxed. One of my wishes for her is to know her own boundaries and to respect them and to respect the boundaries of others. With that in mind, she has lots of freedom. If she sees me reading in the living room in the evening, she knows that she can also be using the living room. However, if she wants to turn up the music and dance, she must ask how that will affect me when I am reading. Likewise, if she were in the living room dancing with the music loud, It would not be respectful of me to come in and demand that the music be turned down so I could sit there and read. We could talk, negotiate, or compromise. But we would need to respect each other's boundaries. That's what I hope for her when she grows up.

I would not set a rule such as ''No music and dancing in the living room. You may do that in your room only'' as she is a member of the family and entitled to use the space in which we live.

By the way, my daughter is 7. Is considered by nearly all adults and children as well-behaved, has tons of friends, loves her life (most of the time) and is a true delight to be around. Mom of a terrific daughter

If I'm anxious about my kid's protest, then I need to define to MYSELF what I think about a situation. If I'm not comfortable with a behavior (running by the patio chairs, for example) I say, ''I'm nervous youre going to slip and cut your head open, please run over there by the fence.'' Then if they don't do it, they can't do what naturally follows (I don't cooperate with them on a request for ice cream, if they can't cooperate with me about the chairs). Figure out what you really think and believe, deal with your own feelings and then feel confident about where you stand and set a limit. I hope this helps

Disciplining my nieces & nephews

I have 5 nieces and nephews aged between 1 and 9. We often visit together as a family, and though I love their energy, I am increasingly upset by the kids' disrespect for their grandparents' house and for others. I realize that they're bound to get rowdier than usual when they're away from home, all together, and when their parents are relaxing (instead of actively disciplining them.) I have so far limited my reprimands to dangerous activities (throwing things) and disrespectful or irresponsible ones (hitting, leaving the house a mess,) but I find myself choking back life lessons, especially to the older two who 'know better.'

As an aunt and not a parent, how much am I allowed to say? I am sensitive of overstepping the bounds by disciplining someone else's child, of not being the 'mean' aunt, and of avoiding the implication that my siblings are poor or inattentive parents (they're not.) I'd appreciate some sound advice. Loving Aunt

It is important to remember that discipline is not something you choose based on how the kid will view you. Instead it is an act of love. You go out of your way to teach children what you know because you want them to have happy succesful lives and it means enough to you that you risk being temporarily unpopular. In all but the most extreme examples, your intervetion will be remembered by your neices and nephews as a sign that you cared for them and considered them one of your own.

if you're concerned about your relationship with their parents, you should talk to your brother or sister about it. But know that regardless of what happens there, those kids are your family and you should treat them as such.

one more thing: I don't know if you have kids, but I have to say, the best part about getting together with the family is that for once I get to take a break while someone else tells my kid to stop being a jerk. Maybe your niece's and nephew's parents feel the same way. anonymous

The way I would approach this is to let the parents and children know that they need to adhere to two simple rules whenever in your house or around you and your parents: 1) Be nice 2) Respect others' property

Then every misbehaviour can be tied back to one of these rules. A child should always use nice language, not hit or seem threatening, not exclude other children, etc. An occasional infraction should only warrant a warning, but regular infractions and the children and parents should be dismissed from the house and not invited back. End of story.

Good luck & take care, Tiffany

Dealing with our 5-year-old nephew's bad behavior

How do we deal with our undisciplined 5-yr old nephew? The bad behavior is due to several factors including: parents who argue in front of him; no consistent discipline (if he receives any at all); a mother who is overworked & permissive, & an absentee father. Our nephew is extremely bright & does not have A.D.D. In the past, we have left the “discipline” up to his mom, but the boy’s behavior is getting worse. Only in kindergarten for 2 weeks, a note has been sent home for spitting & his parents have already been called in for a parent/teacher conference for behavior problems. His mom doesn’t properly use timeouts & routinely makes “threats” that are never carried out. Our nephew's bad behavior has been discussed amongst the family & close friends for 3 years now. We’re very concerned that our 2.5-yr old & 1-yr old kids will pick up his disrespectful behavior & nasty language. Also, we dread spending time with him even though we know we’re his best family influence. Holidays are not enjoyable & something we actually dread. We’d like to start disciplining him when he’s in OUR home – meaning we’d give him up to 3 timeouts before asking his mom to take him home. Having him leave our home & not play with his cousins seems to be the only punishment that he might respond to that WE can impose. What do people think of this idea? Caring But Desperate Auntie

And to the mother in question, if you've been reading all of this, my heart goes out to you. There are people out there (therapists, teachers, other experienced parents) who will be much more understanding than your family has been. I suggest you seek them out. anonymous

Grandparents interfering with discipline

We recently had an episode at my parent's house (3 hrs away in the Sierra foothills) where my father angrily snapped at our 6- yr old in our presence for climbing on the furniture. My dad, who has always had a short fuse, had already been arguing with my mother. My son, who already had been warned about not climbing on the furniture but ''forgot'', stood up on the living room chair. I was in the process of dealing with his behavior by reminding him that climbing on the furniture was unacceptable when my dad yelled over me at my 6-yr. My wife then asked my dad to leave disciplining our son to us and my father responded by implying that we couldn't control our kids and reminding us that in his house he has the right to ''discipline'' his grandkids in our presence.

Now, I don't have a problem with his not wanting my kids to climb on the furniture, but undercutting my authority with my son was more than I could handle and I layed into him telling him that we were all aware of his opinion and I wished he could keep it to himself. He stormed out never to be seen for the rest of the weekend (this happened on Saturday). The whole irony is, my son and daughter are the best behaved of all my parents' grandchildren. I told my mother over the phone that I will not be driving 3 hrs each way only to subject my kids to what I had to endure growing up.. that we would not be visiting until my father can control his temper. It's upsetting to all of us because my kids adore their grandparents and don't really understand why my dad disappeared as he did. How should I approach this going forward? Did I overreact to his overreaction? Rob

While you may disagree, here is my opinion. 1) I believe that the people whose house children are visiting have the right and responsibility to set the limits on children's behavior. It is best, of course, if these limits can be set firmly and clearly, without emotional outbursts. 2) It sounds to me like there is a *lot* of ''old business'' from your childhood that is surfacing in your family. It really needs to be resolved. If you don't think you can (or want to) work it out with your father, then work it out for yourself. 3) Until these things get worked out, I'd have you and your children spend time with their grandparents in a neutral location, with you staying in a nearby hotel and making only brief forays to their home with the children.

When my son was 6 (20 years ago now), I took him to my parent's home in Texas as part of the celebration of a younger sister's wedding. My son behaved in ways I had never, ever seen him behave before. For example, prior to the outdoor rehearsal dinner barbecue, he took several cans of pop out of the tin tubs where they were cooling and threw them against the trees as ''bombs,'' making a terrible mess. I realized later that my son was reacting to the negative energy that was in and around my parents and their home. It was as if the energy that was there ''exploded'' inside of him and he had to release it in some way. It helped me to see what I had been up against when I was growing up. The minute we left, he returned to his well-behaved self. My parents forever thought I was bringing up a monster! My best to you in this. I think taking a stand is better than not taking one, but having the situation where your children are deprived of grandparents because of the grandfather's immaturity and the fact that you have not worked out your own feelings about him, is sad. I hope you can work things out, soon. Ilene

While it was not good that your father interrupted you in the process of disciplining your child and then argued with you and stormed off, all of these things are further indicators of his bad temper, of which you are aware. Probably it is true that your father should be able to discipline your children in his house (within reasonable limits -- you actually agreed that your children shouldn't be playing on the furniture), and probably it is true that he should be able to correct them even in your presence, as long as you are on the same page (you agree on the rules and he is not abusive). Probably it is not good that you suggested that he keep his opinions to himself. He does have a right to express his opinions in his own home, and in fact you essentially agreed with him in this case.

It sounds to me as if the real issue is not the specific instance of having your authority undermined (in your Dad's mind, you undermined his), but your Dad's bad temper and the possible impact it will have on your kids (and the continued impact it has on you). There also may be (as there is in my case) some residual anger at your mother for not standing up for you when you were young. Thus your conversation with her (not your Dad) about how you will be withdrawing from the family until/unless things improve. Is that what you really want? It seems you will have to weigh whether a flawed relationship with grandparents will be better for your kids than no relationship at all. I think that as long as the grandparent is not abusive, a controlled kind of contact (short visits, with patience exercised) might be fine. For your kids. You may be the one who wants to stay out of the mix... another ch! ild of Old Yeller

For you to then yell at him for ''undercutting your authority'' and being rude to your wife, while you were a guest in his house... yes, that was out of line. In some sense, his leaving for the duration of the weekend was the most sensible thing anyone did that day.

The appropriate response would actually have been for you and your family to pack up and go after his outburst -- not for YOU to yell and HIM to go. Its his house. If you don't like it, get out. If you're lucky, voting with your feet will encourage him to control himself and maybe get some help with his temper.

That said, in your position I'm pretty sure I would have said nothing, stayed, and defiinitely kept the 6 year-old in another room for the rest of the wkd, so it didn't happen again -- but that's cuz I'm a chicken.... not because its the right thing to do. Heather

Since your father would only have ''the right'' to behave poorly in his own house, perhaps you could suggest outings on more neutral ground? Suggest taking your son on a fun outing somewhere else -- fruit picking, a train ride, a park, etc. -- somewhere in the middle. Or invite them to your house. You don't need to highlight why -- you can address it if another situation arises or if they ask. There's the possibility that one or both of them won't want to do this, but then they are making the choice not to see their grandchildren.

The way I see it, everyone involved just needs to closely examine their priorities here -- does your father's behavior bother you enough to avoid visiting him in his home, even if it means less contact with your parents? Are your parents willing to sacrifice time with their family for the sake of pride or shame? You need to do what's best for your children and for you, whether that means visiting the grandparents or not. In the end, you can't control what your parents do, but you can control your own choices. I suspect that simply continuing to visit your parents without anything changing will not work well for you in the long run. Good luck. been there

Correcting other peoples' kids in a public space

To a ''Dear Abby'' out there: I was just wondering how other parents handle ''toy fights'' at a public space -- an example: your child has just become fascinated by a toy or book at a park, library or other sort of public space. Your child starts playing with it, and suddenly another child comes to grab it as well -a pretty natural thing to happen-. Your child looks at you with worry, and ends up giving up the toy to the other child -- and the other parent does nothing about it.

I always feel really reluctant to intervene, other than by telling my child that it's ok to share. But I'd never tell the other child to yield.

Is the other parent being rude by not intervening at all and allowing his or her child take away the toy or book that my child had chosen first? It even seems to me at times like the parent is actually encouraging such behavior in the child, sending him or her the message that it's ok to be ''the bully''.

I don't feel comfortable asking the other parent to talk to his or her child, and I don't feel it's ok to correct anybody else's children. But at the same time, it seems terribly wrong that my child has to pay for other people's lack of courtesy and manners. Thanks for any help or opinions on how to handle this, anon

As the parent of one fairly meek child (and one not) it was important for my daughter to hear that she (and I) could stick up for her if need be. Very quickly she learned to say ''I'm not finished yet''. She sought adult assistance only until she was ready to handle it on her own. a co-op fan

And, I think it is incorrect behavior to allow someone to snatch something out of my hand. Defending and protecting your child from poor behavior is perfectly fine. It is perfectly correct to help your children to know what to say in difficult situations.

Responses I would recommend for preverbal (parent says it) or verbal children:

-- When Tom is finished playing with that toy, you may have a turn /// When I am done, you are next

-- It is Tom's turn with that toy right now, when he is finished you may have a turn /// It is my turn right now

-- For older children, you can also help them broker a sharing arrangement. I will play with it for XX minutes and then it will be your turn.

BTW... In my experience judging other parents will probably come back to bite you. It is rare to encounter a parent who is negligent, mean or unfair. It is much more common to encounter parents who are distracted (lack of sleep, a sibling who requires attention or perhaps an engrossing conversation with another parent.) Think of what you would like another parent to do and think when your back is turned and your child grabs the car! Almost all children are capable of both sharing and stealing.... Robin Good.... (There must be a joke here...)

If the thing belongs to the other kid and my kid gets upset, I might soften and ask the other kid to say please and tell my son to say thank you. But I definitely speak up. Who cares if the other parent's there and saying nothing. They might not have seen what happened, or maybe they jsut don't care. But I don't want to model that sort of bad behavior (the kid's and the parent's) for my son.

Same goes for hitting, by the way. Some 2ish kid poked my 18 mo in the eye the other day and looked surprised when I told him ''No! We don't poke people in the eye.'' I probably should have thrown in a ''It hurts them,'' too, but there's also no way I'm going to let my already pretty gentle son think it's okay to be pushed and poked around by other kids! Happy to speak up

Of course, my child may not be done in two minutes, but I make sure that the other child gets it. I ''help'' my child by counting down the time which also helps the other one wait. I've never had a problem with other parents. In fact, most other parents appreciate it when another parent gently and kindly helps out in a playground altercation. I know I do. It's hard to be 100% aware of what your child is doing at all times (especially when you have more than one.) I think it's also great when another parent reinforces cooperative behavior. As long as the other parent isn't yelling at my child or scaring them, but being kind and firm. Diana

They may or may not see their child grabbing an item away. And it doesn't matter if they do. It is your duty as a mother to stand up for your toddler by saying firmly but very sweetly when another child starts to grab,'Oh, no no my friend, my little boy/girl is looking at that right now. You can look at it when we are done. See, here is another (book, shovel...etc. for you right now). My child was so delighted when I learned to do this with confidence and it really strengthened our bond and enjoyment of our outings. I still think that manners count, but I made the mistake of valuing being polite to strangers at the expense of my son's security. a miss manners who cheerfully wards off grabbers

As a parent of three I have to tell you that all children take toys away from others. The way to tell that something is worth having is to see it in someone else's hands. If one of my children took something from your child I would not mind if you said something to my child. I am trying to teach my children about sharing, but don't always catch them when they are not sharing.

As a rule I try to give other parents the benefit of the doubt and treat their children they way I want them to treat my children. Joan

I don't believe the other parent is being rude at all if they don't intervene under that particular circumstance. I would rather see the kids work it out. If things do get out of hand, I would intervene and talk to the children, but I wouldn't correct or expect the parent to handle it if it didn't bother them.

About worrying your child is having to pay for other people's lack of courtesy and manners. I look at it as the sooner and more they are exposed to that, the more they will learn how to deal with it in their own way. I don't feel sorry for my son, I look forward to him figuring out how to deal with it and be ok with it, because it's going to happen. my 2 cents

I think many adults get hung up on children's behavior because we see it with all of our adult baggage. Very young children (even some adults!) have a hard time understanding the concept of sharing. I try to give the benefit of the doubt and offer to facilitate generosity and graciousness, instead of getting all defensive and angry. Chances are the instigator had no negative feelings towards anyone and was just showing normal toddler interst in the toy. laurel

What I have done in the past is to tell the other child that he or she can have a turn after your child is done. (Depending on the age) I have also invited the child to play together. Or, I invited the child in my care to play with something different. I have almost always intervened with some type of resolution that I felt was fair. If the parent or caregiver came over I would explain what was going on.

We might end up in an interesting conversation, they might take the child away or do whatever. Good luck! Nanny in the know

Maybe if you approach it this way, the other parent will hear you and help out, and not be offended since it is more like you're teaching your kid how to act in this situation instead of theirs. By the way, my kids' teachers would say to the taker/bully ''Lisa, ask Joe if you can have it when he's done.'' A few times I have said to another child ''Joe is still looking at that, but he would be glad to tell you when he's done with it'' but I think this isn't always the best thing to do for my kid. mom of 2

I don't really think there is anything wrong with helping another kid through these things. Sometimes the caregiver didn't see the encounter & doesn't realize the issue is as big as you see it. Either way, it really does take a village & as long as we are respectful of each kid in the situation, there shouldn't be a problem. Also, your child needs to learn how to deal with those situations too. As s/he gets older, you won't always be around to protect him, so by modeling behavior as to how to handle these types of encounters you are showing him how to try to work through it. One more thing, I don't really think it's fair to label a kid a bully for wanting the same toy as your kid. I don't know the details, but please try to remember that that behavior is, as you stated, pretty normal for small children. Working for a better community for all of our children

If the other parent doesn't pay attention or doesn't care & my kid doesn't know how to respond, I help her. I tell the kid, I'm sorry, she was playing with it, you can have it when she's done. Then I ask mine to give it to the other kid when she's done. My child needs to know that I value her enough to help her negotiate w/ people who may not have the social skills we'd prefer, & she knows I'll protect her if needed. If a kid whacks my kid, I have NO problem telling the kid it's not okay. If the other parent isn't there or won't correct the kid, I will. No guilt. I try to do what seems best, but I'm not perfect. We were playing in a pool, &I nicely asked a bigger kid several times not to jump on top of us. I didn't see a parent. He got out of the pool, had a hacking cough & runny nose, & wiped his mouth & nose along 4ft of hand railing (really). So gross I almost threw up. I asked him nicely if he could use a tissue instead. I got out of the pool to clean it. Suddenly Mom appears & yells at me, tells me to come to her first. Maybe I should have, but I was so appalled & didn't even know who she was. Am I obligated to track down an uninvolved parent? I spoke to a parent nicely when her teenager splattered paint all over me and my kid, & was scolded for that too! I can't count on other people's behavior, so I take care of myself &establish firm boundaries. I want my kid to do this too. We teach our kids what we feel is important, & take the consequences. You can't avoid all confrontations. You may offend or be offended. So what if someone thinks I'm ridiculous?

Disciplining the neighbor's child

Is is ever appropriate to teach some discipline to a neighbor's child? Our neighbor's child sits on our fence and blows her whistle to gain our son's attention. He then runs into the backyard to talk to her. She is 6 and he is 4. This is noisy and annoying. What should I do? Her parents have said nothing. I make gentle remarks like, ''Please be careful...Don't fall from the fence...Wow what a loud toy..'' Should I be more firm and say we need privacy and quiet? Or should I let kids be kids?? What do I teach my own son about our rules versus their rules? We have told him that is is not good manners to shout over the fence... Ava

Explain the rules: use during play time, not meal times, homework time, and they are turned off at bed time. this way you have a little more control too, i.e. you can tell your son that he can't go out to play just yet because he has X, Y, or Z to do, you can talk to your neighbor's kid and tell her that right now is not a good time, etc., and you won't have a little kid sitting on top of your fence whistling (that could also be a liability issue since you are aware of the problem). Anyway, good luck with dealing with the problem without totally alienating your neighbors. anon

If you're worried about offending the neighbors by expecting reasonable behavior from their child.... initiate a discussion with the parents in which you agree to rules for each house that will be respected by both kids (noise, food, supervision, etc). If you're lucky you'll have the same family next door ten years from now, and have developed a positive relationship.

If you're not willing to have the discussion, or you think the neighbor's rules would be out of line, or hazardous to your child... well, that's a different, more serious problem. Heather

When I first moved to Berkeley, the girl next door struck up a friendship with my daughter. The girl was a few years older, but had very poor behavior. After letting it drive me nuts for awhile, I decided that she wasn't going away and that I would have to discipline her in some basics. I explained the rules that we had ''at our house,'' and that she would have to abide by when she was with us. I kept a close eye on her (I had to anyway, since she could come up with the most amazing mischeif that my kids would never think of..) When she broke a rule, I walked her home immediately. This happend quite often at first, but I put a lot of energy into it and soon my daughter had a normally-behaved playmate. It was work, but worth it in that it brought a sense of normal control back to our environment when she was over. And I'm sure it did her good.

One time her oblivious parents commented to me, ''She is so well behaved at your house!'' anne

My son recently found out that our katty corner neighbor has a son of the same age and they went through a period when neighbor would whistle for our son. My son would yell or blow a whistle (he can't whistle) and it went on that way for about a week. Then they both moved on to other activities.

As someone who always dreamt of having a friend in the neighborhood, I thought it was great, but just so you know, no one complained or seemed to care. Don't forget, during the day, many of the neighbors are at work.

Now if it were honking, that would be another matter.... anon

You have every right to erect boundaries for your space. A shared fence is partially yours, and if she is calling into YOUR backyard, you ahve every right to tell her to stop. Also address it with her parents, outta respect for them. Just let them know it's not okay with you that she yells into your yard and sits at the top, with the potential to fall onto your property. It's pretty cut and dry in this case. You don't have to put up with it.

If you were having lunch at their house, however, and she was yelling in the backyard, or climbing too high on things they own (but not climbing on YOU), it really is their choice what she's allowed to do. Best of luck! echinaceapepperfoot

Other parent disciplining my kid

I have a friend who has a child the same age as mine, and our kids play together alot. It's come to my attention that this other parent feels free to discipline my child while I'm standing right there, and NOT in a way I'm confortable with (a 3rd party asked if I was bothered by this). For example, my child ate some fruit and hasn't had his face washed, so this parent told my child in an abrupt way he couldn't play until his face was wiped clean. I dont' think it's place to make that call when I'm right there. Besides, I was getting a wipe out at the time to wipe his face... Or, my child might try to take a toy away from her child (I'm of the mindset that the kids can figure it out for themselves, as long as they seem like they want to-- especially since they're only 2 yrs old), so she'll jump in, grab it from my kid, and them reprimand him rather harshly. Her child does the same thing 50% of the time, and my approach in the past has been to point out that the other kid was using it first, they can take turns, and ''oh-- isn't that a nice toy over there that you can play with...''

What can I do about this? It's getting to be more and more frequent, and I don't want to end this friendship. I just don't want her disciplining my son while I'm right there. easy-going mama (trying to be!)

Sadly, I don't think there's much you can do about this unless some of the other moms have noticed and would be willing to say something to her as well. I think most people who exhibit this kind of behavior are usually convinced that it's everyone else's kid whose the problem--not theirs.

I would think she'll react defensively if you speak with her directly about it but you could try. She'll probably tell you she's just trying to help, the implication being that you really need help because you aren't as competent as she is.

You could also try waiting until it comes up again and say something like, ''Don't worry, I've got this one'' but it might be hard find an opportunity for this. If it really drives you crazy, you may have to limit your interactions with her. Just be thankful she isn't a family member so you aren't stuck with forever.

Best of luck! Sharon

Occasionally, another child will grab a toy from my almost-2 year old. And she too, will occasionally calmly remove a toy from another child's hands. I have decided that when I see my daughter get that toy envy glint in her eye, I say ''No grabbing'', talk about turns, and try to distract her. This works really well with my little girl. Until recently, I was silent when another kid grabbed from my daughter, b/c I'd hope that the other mom would be vigilant like you are. Unfortunately, I was disappointed repeatedly. The other mom was either not there, not paying attention, or said nothing.

I also noticed that after another child grabbed from my child, later in the day, my daughter would grab from someone else. So now, when someone grabs from my girl, I say the same thing to the other child that I say to my daughter- ''no grabbing.'' Does it stop the other kid? No. But more importantly, my daughter is getting consistent messages from me.

If my friends didn't like my approach, I'd want to know. One would hope we could come up with some kind of compromise. Good luck

On the grabbing issue specifically, you might want to check out the article I wrote about this subject for Neighborhood Parents Network. It's posted on the website of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, at www.cnvc.org, in the parenting resources page. I'm not sure it will fit your parenting style, but it just might help :-). Inbal