Berkeley Parents Network: Supporting Friends & Family after a Death

Berkeley Parents Network

Supporting Friends & Family after a Death

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Parenting, Families, & the Community > Supporting Friends & Family after a Death

Supporting Friend Through Loss of Son

March 2008

Hearbreakingly, my best friend of 25 years lost her son to an accidental drug overdose last summer. He had just turned 21. We are all still in shock and we're all still expecting him to walk in the room with that huge grin of his and make everything ok. But those days are over and the loss is vast. My girlfriend is full of sorrow and shock and there are so many anniversaries to deal with this first year, and his birthday is coming up next month. So I'm wondering for any suggestions about what to say, what to do, how to be the best possible friend. I'm doing my best to just be a respectful, caring listener to anything she has to say, but that feels so inadaquate at times. And then another issue, how to express my support while still managing my own grief, which is profound, and I'm still so broken up about it at times that it impacts my ability to be present for my beloved friend. Sometimes I wonder if I should wait for her to bring the issue up, sometimes I wonder if it's ok to bring it up on my own, and it's so hard to know what's best and most supportive. Thanks to this community for your kind support. Sad, sad, sad

First of all, I am really sorry to hear about your loss and that of your friend. My family lost my brother ten years ago (I can't believe it's been ten years...) and are still deeply affected by it.

Some things to keep in mind. She never EVER stops thinking about it. Even when she's not talking about it, even when she's talking about something else or watching television, reading the newspaper...it's always there and it's going to be like this for a long time.

She probably wants to talk about it all the time (her brain, heart and soul are working overtime to process the impossible), however, she might feel like my friends are tiring of listening to the same stories over and over again. So, the best thing you can do for her is reinforce your presence and willingness to listen and discuss what happened. Understand that she is searching for clues in what little ''evidence'' she has (their shared history) as she tries to comprehend this.

Be very patient, have no expectations that she will heal or ''get out there'' anytime soon. Tell her that you love her and ask what you can do for her. (I had one friend who would always ask ''what can I do for you'' which was much more powerful than ''do you need anything'', I'm not sure why.)

The death of my brother crushed my mother. It's only in the past two years that she has started to surface. She is very cautiously re-engaging in life. Believe me, she didn't want to feel this way for this long, but it's just how long it has taken her to find her way back. And she remembers, clearly, which of her friends and family gave her the space to heal and those who expected her to ''get on with it''. For her, the healing took so long because she could only handle small drops of the pain, heavily diluted by distraction. So, anything that risked too much pain at once (church, music, pictures, self-help books, etc) were too much for the first few years.

Be patient and loving and let her lead the way. She might never get over this (and I'm not sure she should) but she will, in time, learn to live with it. my mother's guide

First, let me tell you how sorry I am for YOUR loss. I'm glad you included that in your posting. It's a very helpful & valid point. I have had the experience of being the relative of (cousin), and friend of people who have lost a child. It is so tragic to deal with the loss and so very difficult to move on. I have been open with both people about what to do -- so I suggest you do the same. Ask your friend, ''How can I help to ease your pain?'' I know that in both cases the moms LOVE that I remember their child's birthday every year (forever) with a card that expresses how I still miss their child, how I remember certain (specific) things about them, what I miss about them, what I wish and long for, and that I cannot truly understand but sort of do understand just how much they must be suffering. I talk about the child when I feel like it -- when I'm moved to, but not every time we're together. When things come up that remind me of the child, I call or write them a note telling them this. Each of them has expressed to me that their greatest fear is that the world will forget their child. Help this to NOT happen. Help their child's memory stay alive -- in yours. And, share your grief. It is fair to let your friend know that you hurt over your loss as well. Best to you. You are a good friend.

It might help to tell your friend that you would like to help her more during this difficult time, but that you are so sad yourself about her son's death that you don't know how to help. Then, maybe she will be better able to open up and tell you how you could help her adjust to her devastating loss. Maybe you could go to a support group together, or create a scholarship together in his name. Friend of bereaved parents

this page was last updated: Nov 14, 2008

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