Responding helpfully to an acquaintance who has cancer

So our neighbor just, nonchalantly, in an e-mail, told us she has cancer. Kind of ''sorry I didn't back to you, I have cancer. But don't worry about me.'' Our families and kids have done things together but we wouldn't say that we are close friends. We know there are lots of types of cancer - from merely inconvenient to fatal. But we do want to respond genuinely and in a heartfelt way. Again, we know people are different but were hoping to get some advice, maybe from those who have had cancer. What might be a touching, supportive, but non-intrusive way to respond. We're interested in advice of both words and gestures that would be helpful and those that may not. Thanks so much for your responses.

As a long time friend of hers I sent emails, presents & jokes. Some sent dinners, some sent parties, some took her to lunch, some helped her with childcare (she has 4 kids). You do what you can, she had one lady with no kids that just sent her a baskin robbins gift card for $5 so that her husband could take the kids out the day of her chemo. You do what you can.

Just give with your whole heart, whatever you give she will be grateful. Imagine yourself in her shoes. It's a bad stroke of luck and thats the time you call on your friends, and your acquanitences (who might be friends someday). Best, K

She downplayed it as well but we found out it was quite serious and advanced through others. We didn't make any drastic changes to our relationship but we did go out of our way to be warmer, more accommodating and sensitive.

In our neighbor's case, it seemed clear to us that she did not want sympathy but reaching out may have been therapeutic for her.

Perhaps you can find an excuse to reach out in person, even if it does not include discussing the issue. The personal touch may be meaningful to the person. Rick

You could drop by something like some homemade cornbread (I use the Trader Joe's mix) with a simple card expressing your emotions.

Also, it's nice to think of small concrete ways to help (''Call me if you need a ride to the doctor.'') Or call if you're going to the store and ask if they'd like you to pick up something. LK

First, I think any response that you make to your friend should include the word recovery, i.e., ''If there's anything we can do to support you during your recovery.'' The belief that you think/feel they will heal is potent medicine in itself. Also, I would suggest checking in with them periodically. Everyone pays attention when someone is first diagnosed with cancer, but friends/acquaintances can fall away and back into their busy lives, especially if treatment takes awhile. And, finally, I'd recommend letting them know you care in whatever way seems appropriate-I realize not everyone is comfortable with the L-word, but knowing that you are being thought about, prayed for, still considered to be a valuable member of the community, etc. can go along way towards recovery.

Best wishes for you and your friend. Eloise

Also, I can tell you that while as you say some cancers end up being mild, getting a cancer diagnosis is a huge kick in the stomach. Even if it is an easy fight you don't know that the day you hear ''cancer'' from the doctor, and you won't know that for quite some time. So I'm sure they are going through a difficult time.

So respond, something heartfelt. It sounds like you know nothing about the situation, so it is hard to offer concrete help. Here are some words ''We are so very sorry to hear about your recent health challenges. We would love to help in some way -- leaving some groceries on the porch in cooler? a homecooked dinner? a ride to a doctor's appointment?''

Usually dinners and groceries are most appropriate when there is a patient home from a big surgery, or when chemo has started. Sometimes a close friend will set up a website to coordinate all the helpers (since that can be a job in itself). In order to be helpful, you really need more information. Just saying ''let me know if I can do anything'', is almost an empty offer since rarely will someone actually take you up on that. Offering very concrete things to do sounds much more sincere. If you find out they are going through chemo or surgery, be very concrete ''I would like to stop by with dinner Tuesday night''.

Also, obviously, respect their privacy if they give signals that they would really prefer that.

Good luck, and as a cancer-affected family, thank you for your concern. :-) -been on the cancer side twice

Cancer SUX!!!

fall down seven times get up eight

It is enough -- it is a lot -- to simply say what you feel and ask how you can help, and I love that you are looking for ways to do that. It is great that you care. Jennifer

Of course they could. It sure beats the alternative. So my advice is to see her first as a friend. Another thing I would suggest is to have someone (you or a closer friend) organize people to make and deliver a week or two of meals. This is especially good for people who want to help, but don't know how.

To make things easier during my recovery, I asked a friend to organize two weeks of meals to be delivered to my house. My son, who was 6, loved coming home to a basket on our porch and wondering what treat was in store for us that night. A grateful cancer survivor

You can send a simple note. I got get well cards from people I had never met (husband's colleagues). If you want to talk to your friend focus more on listening and let her do talking. If you actually want to help ask her what she needs and offer something precise. Child care, meal, house cleaning will certainly be helpful. I had a relative who came every Tuesday to clean my kitchen while my kids and I napped. When my toddler woke up she played with her so that I could rest. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done to me. Someone else brought regularly a nutritious meal and played with the kids while I ate so I actually had time to eat.

Even though the prognosis would be good cancer diagnosis is always huge and scary. It takes up all the energy one has. Patients don't have energy to call friends and ask for meals or child care or send thank you notes. Please be proactive. It will be appreciated

Been there

Setting up a support network for my mom w/ cancer

Hi, My 64 yo mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer two weeks ago. I live near by but have four small kids and other responsibilites. One of my sisters lives with her but she also has two small chldren and is expecting her third as well. My father passed away 10 years ago. It has become plainly obvious already that neither of us is equipped emotionally or energetically to take on the care of shuttling her to appointments and other stuff. She will be going in for exploratory surgery tomorrow and may then follow through with chemotherapy. Both situations are going to leave her in need of a lot of help. She has a solid group of friends and is also involved with a local ''Red Hat Ladies'' social network. I was wondering if anyone had advice on how we (her children) might put these networks of people best to use in order to lighten the burden that this could potentially have on myself and my one sister who is living with her. It has already become ''too much'' emotionally and has taken a toll on us even before we really get started here which is not a good sign. Thanks in advance, C.

Sounds like she has a good social network besides you and your sister. Ask your mother who in her circle she would like to help her and if it's okay to ask a few people. Private information will soon become VERY public and sometimes it's a shock to the person to realize that her friends are talking about how much she's pooping or something like that!! I would then start emailing or calling her circle and ask if they can help and in what capacity. Please know that everyone can't do every task, what I mean is: people have different talents and strengths and it really helps to know what each person is capable of and what their limits are.

If everyone IS on email then you can set up a Yahoo groups network with everyone who wants to be involved. I did this when a friend was very sick. We set up a calendar (in Yahoo) of regular days that people could visit, do errands, the laundry, take her to appointments, bring meals, bring DVDs and books. etc. It worked beautifully. We also sent out a list of eachothers phone numbers in case we needed to TALK (and programmed them into the cell phones!). We also had a bulletin board in the kitchen where we would write messages to the next person coming about what is needed at the store, or phone messages for our friend, and had emergency numbers on hand. The people who could afford it pooled their money and hired someone to come twice a month to do the heavy cleaning. That felt a load off our shoulders.

We had tons of food at first and soon had to sort that out according to what she felt like eating, WHEN she did. IF she has to take regular meds make sure that someone is in charge of that. Those daily pill holders for the day and evening are really helpful to keep track of what meds need to be taken and when. For pain management she can also try hot pads, and massage. Women's Cancer Research Center in Berkeley might be helpful for more info also.

Make sure there are people coming around who are positive and uplifting. Attitude is really important, though not if it's phony. All the grandchildren will probably be a great encouragement for her too.

I'm sure you will manage it. Lots of luck! anon

Neighbor with colon cancer and 2 young sons

My neighbor was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. She and her husband have two young sons. Can anyone recommend any books that help explain what their mother is going through? Doesn't have to specifically explain colon cancer, but something along those lines. Thank you in advance. Just want to help

Friend with cancer - what else can we do?

A very dear friend, and the mother of a 7 year old, has been diagnosed with cancer. She began chemotherapy today. Our community has rallied around wonderfully - we have arranged dinners to be delivered 3 times a week, to always have a family on-call for childcare, and are looking into a housekeeper.

My question is, what else can we do? People who have been through this, what helped you out? We were thinking of putting together care packages for after each chemo session - what should go into it? Will she be suffering from nausea, dry mouth, hair loss, or what? What will help alleviate those - special teas, popsicles, hard candies, ???? Any ideas will be appreciated! in shock, but rallying

1. The gift of time (invite over for dinner, a sleepover for the daughter, a movie certificate, time spent together certificate, listening and reaching out.

2. Things that are favorites to be enjoyed when she is feeling well. (a favorite tea, meal, favorite songs, favorite books, positive quotes, positive words of encouragment, a listening ear...)

3. Remember to include things for her daughter, because her daughter is probably feeling some stress and needs support. Blessings to you! Rachel

The biggest thing on the list is a positive outlook no matter what the doctors say. They are all way too cautious and you keep thinking ''Am I going to live or not...will somebody just let me know for goodness sake'' They never do. Must be an insurance liability issue. So tell your friend EVERY day for a while You ARE going to make it!!!!All the studies say that she will. And when she has any kind of little concern about how she's feeling on treatment or follow up treatment urge her to call the advice nurse and not feel as though she's bugging anyone. It's been 11 years for me, but I still get days of nerve pain from my mastectomy and my energy level has never been the same. No one has to be a hero...just remember that for a while, she'll think every new ache and pain is cancer (I still do when I have indigestion!) and that the chemo and follow up meds are forms of poison that will save her, but she need not feel ungrateful for her chance to a full life if she complains occasionally about the side effects. God Bless Both of You-Susan

Father's possible lung cancer diagnosis

My father was recently told by his pulmonary doctor that there are some ''fuzzy areas'' on x-rays of his lungs. Consequently my father will have a CT scan and be given the results a few days later. I plan on attending his appointment when he finds out if he has lung cancer. I am hoping for the best but want to make sure I am prepared for the worst but I have no idea what questions I should ask the doctor if my father does indeed have cancer. I know my father will be devastated so it is important for me to be the ''question asker'' and ''information gatherer''. If anyone has been in a similar situation and can guide me or provide me with some resources, I would certainly appreciate it. anon

Friend's father in Hong Kong has lung cancer

The father of one of my good friends just found out he has a tumor in his lungs and it has metasasised to his lymph nodes, bone, and possibly liver. He has never smoked in his life, yet the cancer is the type that smokers get (he does live in HK, and it might be from the pollution there). The strange thing is, he feels fine and would not have found out except for a routine physical required to renew his drivers license (he is around 70 years old). He does not want chemotherapy, because it has a very small chance of helping him and will destroy his currently good quality of life. Does anyone know of alternative treatments for lung cancer? He lives in HK but is willing to travel anywhere for treatments. Thank you! cc

I do not know of any exceptional places for treatment, but would suggest that your friend consider where her father would like to live for the remainder of his time. anon

The other person was a relative and a smoker, and I went to all appointments with her for two years. She had chemo and radiation treatment. She went into remission after her first round of chemo, and was cancer free for the next two years, and then died of something totally unrelated.

Chemo/radiation will not necessarily ruin your friend's quality of life if he is otherwise healthy. They are the only tools that might extend his life. Without chemo, lung cancer patients go downhill quickly, because it quickly metasticizes to other areas, including the brain. good luck

If the diagnosis is confirmed, I would suggest a two-week luxury vacation with an emphasis on healthy activities and diet. Healthy patients have a longer survival time. It would take two weeks to get an appointment at the Mayo Clinic in any case. Go to www.mayoclinic.org/lung-cancer/ to make an appointment. Several clinical trials at the Mayo Clinic have openings and there are some new options for treatment that might provide new hope. Still hopeful

How to help out-of-town friend with breast cancer?

A good friend of mine was just diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught fairly early and will be treated with about three sessions of chemo and a few months of radiation.

My question is, she lives across the country and I am at a loss for how to support her. If I was there, I could take her to treatment, walk her dog, etc. Besides sending cards, making regular phone calls, what do you think would help? I can send flowers from time to time, but was wondering if the smell of flowers might be sickening to someone undergoing treatment (does it make you sensitive to smells?) Are chocolates a good idea, or ditto previous? Relaxation tapes?

I realize that treatments vary and affect people differently. But I'm kind of floundering here. Is there anyone out there who has gone through this personally or with a friend? What made you feel better? What kind of support was most helpful? Thanks in advance Want to help

hiring someone to clean their house

sending funny movies and TV shows, with the idea that humor is good medicine. He especially appreciated The Simpsons and old Saturday Night Lives. The shorter length of The Simpsons was perfect when his energy was low and he found it surprisingly touching.

Sending food

Helping the helpers - find out how her family is doing, send things her kids might like or to help her husband

Chocolate is great for chemo. people say it is hard to get the taste of the chemo drugs out of their mouth.

It is tricky. People have major needs when they are struggling with cancer but when someone says ''what can I do?'', they often don't want to impose or cannot think of anything in the moment. I say, err on the side of doing too much - send stuff, call a lot, anticipate needs. Take care. Also a friend

On a personal note, my surgeon was Nima Grissmon in San Francisco. Although your insurance covers the East Bay she might be good for a second opinion. She is very direct and compassionate and I know other women who have had similar experiences with her. Debra

The hardest thing for me to deal with was all of the food--people want to nurture you--but during chemo our taste changes dramatically and our refrigerators/freezers fill up fast.

I also enjoyed all of the cards I received, and still enjoy reading them when I'm feeling lonely or low. You may also want to organize some of your friends to join you on one of the many breast cancer walks in her honor. (You'll find more good ideas on www.circusofcancer.org.)

Your friend is lucky to have you in her court. Warrior Princess

my other suggestion is include in your phone conversations topics other than her cancer. Don't of course ignore that aspect about what is going on, but tell her about your kids, ask about hers, talk about shopping, movies, politics, anything you normally chatted about with her. Don't let the friendship be all about the cancer. It is the strongest message you can send that she will get through this.

I would not send sweets or alcohol. Alcohol use is the most well-established dietary risk factor for breast cancer and has been shown to be the reaon that white women in Marin have a slightly higher breast-cancer rate. Optimistic

Dear friend in the midwest with bone cancer

I've just heard from a dear friend living in the midwest that she has bone cancer. It does not sound good. She previously had breast cancer, has been in full remission for 8 years, and now this. She's been going through radiation, will have chemo and some painful injected drug course. I'm wondering if anyone else close to someone who is dealing with a chronic, possibly fatal disease, can share ideas of how to send love and comfort from the distance. She isn't up to visits, and I'm sending frequent emails, but am searching for more to do. She has no kids of her own, but a wonderful husband whom I'm sure is just suffering himself. Any specific ideas for resources in the Kansas City (MO) area would be really great. Searching for ways to help

I just lost a very beloved and long-time friend to cancer earlier in the year. She similarly lived a quite a distance and I wasn't able to be a part of her daily support system. A mutual friend, Maria, came up with a wonderful idea, which brought great joy to my friend before her death. To celebrate our friend's (last) birthday, Maria sent out an email inviting us to contribute a birthday page for a scrapbook she then assembled. Maria collected lots of email addresses and sent this invitation to a wide circle of family, friends, and colleagues. She ultimately assembled an incredible fifty-page scrapbook that our friend just adored and read over and over before her death. Some folks went to great lengths, adding poems, photos, souvenirs. Centering it on our friend's birthday was uplifting and joyful.

It's something you could assemble from afar and might be a deeply important gift to someone wondering how they'll be remembered. It was also a gift to each of us who contributed a page, allowing us to express our love for our friend, reminisce with her about the great times we shared together over the last twenty years, and help us in the process prepare ourselves for her loss.

I know she treasured her book and when she read it she said it was like we were all in the room with her. Which we were.

Devastated about my aunt's breast cancer

I just received word yesterday that my aunt is dying of malignant breast cancer. She's been getting treatment for the last couple of years and we thought we had hope but now the cancer has gotten progressively worse that she's got tumors the size of grapefruit on the sides of each breast and she's given up on radiation because she frankly can't afford it anymore. She lives in a rural part of Mexico and had to commute by bus for 2 hours to get a little bit of treatment for the amount of money she could pay. She's too tired now she says and will live life the fullest she can. She has a down syndrome child who is now an adult and she worries very much about him as to what's going to happen to him when she passes on. She has grown children and my uncle that are doing their best to make her life as comfortable as possible.

So what's my question, frankly, I've never had someone so close to me affected by breast cancer, and I'm simply overwhelmed at my response. I can't stop thinking about her and crying my eyes out for her. She's such a good person, she's been such a wonderful and supportive strong mother to her children and faithful, loyal partner to her husband, and a wonderful aunt with whom I share fond memories of childhood. I'm simply devastated and I've been crying myself to sleep thinking about the pain she must be feeling emotionally, spiritually, and of course physically. My husband whose father passed on of throat cancer suggests I do all I can possible to send her good vibes, keep her in my prayers, send her financial sustenance that we can afford, and think positive; making her feel worse by feeling extremely sad is not helpful to her. I try of course to keep a strong face when I talk to her, but in the shadow of the night when the house is quiet, the blob of tears simply roll down my weathered cheeks. I want to celebrate her life now that she's still with us and be happy, but I simply don't know how. Please, anybody, advise. Thank you. Devastated Niece

It does hurt, awfully. Time is a great healer and while right now you may not want to completely let go of your pain, try to mobilze yourself to be with her while you can. You will both find comfort in it. anon

Also, it is okay to cry anytime. It is fine to cry when you are at your home in the middle of the night. It is fine to cry all of a sudden in the middle of the day, when those around you may be mystified. It is okay to talk about your aunt's illness and upcoming death with those around you. Death should not be a taboo subject. You may find that some of those around you have been through similar phases in their lives. They may be helpful. - May you find Peace

Supporting my parents through Mom's breast cancer

I would like advice from families whose Mother had breast cancer. What gave you strength? How did your family provide emotional support for your Mom and Dad? What would you do different if you could do it all again?

My 65 year old mother has been fighting breast cancer for ten years. Her cancer has spread to many parts of her body and is Stage IV. We know this might be her last year.

My Mom and Dad relocated from out of state to receive treatment at UCSF after unsuccessful treatment at MD Anderson. My father has been her primary caregiver and is emotionally fatigued. My sister, husband, and I are the only people they regularly see.

My Mom is scared and lonely. My Dad is frightened and coping the best he can. My family has been thinking about hiring an assistant for my Mom who can provide her with companionship. She would like to find someone who has some medical training, fluent in Mandarin, and enjoys reading the bible. She wants someone who will hold her hand and give her comfort.

Does anyone have any advice on how they helped their parents with cancer? Did you have any positive experiences with support groups that you could recommend?

Any life lessons learned that you would like to share? What to expect as the last chapter closes? How to find a companion for my Mom - is this something hospitals can refer? Thankful for Each Day

And with regards to young children, we tried to get our son up to see her immediately after her diagnosis, for we knew things would change for the worst very quickly with this particular line of cancer. And in the end, when she was heavily medicated and in and out of conciousness, we kept him away so he would remember his grandmother in his mind's eye in her healthy state -- he was only 1 1/2 Best to you

UCSF also has support resources - ask the oncology nurses for more information. There are many support groups around the bay area affiliated with different hospitals (depending on where it is convenient for you) - some for patients, for families, spouses, etc. They are open to anyone. It can be incredibly helpful to know that you're not alone when dealing with breast cancer. Don't hesitate to ask for help! --- a breast cancer survivor

My mom was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer

Hi- My otherwise healthy 58 year old mother just recently received the grim diagnosis of Stage IV pancreatic cancer. Does anyone out there have any experience with successful alternative treatments? I am particularly interested in herbs or supplements which she could use WITH chemotherapy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. T.

About more conventional 'palliative therapies', I have two thoughts: 1) Pain control is of utmost importance. To say that pain affects the quality of life is an understatement. It's worth paying a great deal of effort to pain control. 2) Sometimes paying attention to other details can be helpful.
Best wishes,
''Been there''

Being supportive about father-in-law's cancer

my mom's husband just got diagnosed with a virulent cancer and we are unclear on how to be supportive. i've found a lot of information on how to deal with cancer but not a lot on how family (both for my mom and for us) can help without being inappropriately cheerful or gloomy. are there things we can send (relaxation videos), things we can read to help us help him that anyone knows about? thanks. jc