Becoming a parent I hate to be

I'm turning too frequently into the parent I never wanted to be: yelling, infuriated at silly things, sarcastic, desperate, emotionally frozen. My kids (4, 7) aren't even that bad, although they have their share of normal sibling bickering and teasing and hypersensitivity toward each other's presumed intentions. But I am getting so wound up so easily these days at things that are frustrating but actually shouldn't matter so much (e.g. toys all over the floor, clothes strewn about house) that I am starting to worry this is the new normal -- a period of calm and quiet and then mom exploding at everyone. I feel like a rock that is being molded by a slow drip-drip into something new. And I feel that now I've opened the door to being a yeller and meanie there's ''no point'' closing it again -- but that it might also stay open longer and longer. I even stopped drinking coffee because it made me prone to being more frantic and jittery with the kids.

The other day we were out and I was mad -- not yelling but very frustrated -- at one of the kids for not eating his lunch but demanding a treat. My husband had been elsewhere with the other kid and when we met up he immediately remarked that I looked really, really angry -- it's certainly how I felt but I'm feeling really bummed that I was wearing my anger on my face so clearly. How depressing for me, the kids, anyone who happened to see us. Do I need to see a therapist (would it help? Who should I see?)? How can I readjust my expectations and image of myself? I know I can work on my relationship with my kids more easily than I can adjust my sense of who I am for and with them.

Anyone else been there? Don't want to be a meanie anymore

It is really, really hard to be a mom. There's not much room for ''me'' outside of wife and mommy anymore, so it's pretty luxurious to have an hour a week to sit and cry and complain and demand all eyes on me, and have somebody tell me that it's okay and normal and I'm doing just fine. I also appreciate my therapist's expertise and push-back/challenge when I'm struggling through particular parenting issues.

I'd also suggest you find some way to charge your batteries: I find that my own snippy-ness and anger is a good sign that I need a few hours of perfect quiet and no responsibility, and my husband has learned that it's worth the inconvenience to get the ''real'' me back! I do the same for him, though his manifests differently (tuning out, rather than short fuse). Take some care of you!

http://www.parenting.com/article/confessions-of-a-screamer

I realized that I needed to change and that I needed help to do that. I started taking Celexa and our family life is much more tolerable...for everyone! Meds aren't for everyone, but when my behavior started affecting others, I didn't think I had time to mess around. Good luck. Greenzebra

1. I NEED to exercise at least three times a week. Vigorously.

2. At almost 42, I feel subtle signs of perimenopause: increased moodiness, A friend, who is a naturopath suggested a concoction called PMS Emotional by Wishgarden. I cannot attest to how it works yet, but I hope it smooths some of these edges.

2. My mom was the primary disciplinarian. Now, I am actually sometimes not tough enough with my own kids, for fear of being resented. My husband sometimes feels like the bad cop to my good. I find that when I take a deep breath, set a firm rule, and stand by it, my kids actually treat me better after a few days of clear expectations. A book called 1,2,3 Magic gave me some ideas about counting to three and then disciplining kids. I needed a framework, a plan set up ahead of time, for how I would navigate frustrating moments with the kids. The hardest part was to follow it. I want the consequence to be about them, not my frustration.

3. I do not drink, even a little bit, on weeknights. I find it makes me more prone to being short-tempered.

4. You know how distraction is a strategy to deal with a crying or stubborn toddler? I try to use that on myself. When I feel the boil start inside, I change the flow, turn the topic to someone else. I ask a kid about his/her day, what book they liked lately, what happened in their cartoon earlier, anything to get me away from that feeling and to hopefully change the temperature. I feel more comfortable disciplining once I feel I have grounded myself and tried a positive approach.

I think you will get some other really helpful responses, and maybe some of this will help. It was therapeutic for me to type it up. Maybe that's another strategy! You must be doing a million things ''right'' if your kids are fine, which you say they are. We all have tarnished spots, and maybe the trick is to stop rubbing at it so hard and look at the shiny bits iamnoddy

My answer is simple. I get acupuncture once a week. It absolutely and profoundly changes my capacity to deal with stress, anxiety, anger -- especially the stress of raising three kids. Everybody notices the difference. And they notice if I DON'T get my weekly treatment, too! I would never be able afford weekly acupuncture if it weren't for community acupuncture. I only pay $15 each visit. I go to Berkeley Acupuncture Project in downtown Berkeley, but there are several in the East Bay and SF. They only charge on a sliding scale that you choose to pay from. It's the most blissful hour to myself and it has made all the difference in the world for me.

Good luck! Poked and Patient Mama

Very hard in the beginning, and I wasn't always successful. It got better with time. And I started realize that many things that made me mad were really nothing to care about, so it got even easier. Not to scare you, but it did take years to get to a point where it really doesn't come as a natural reaction any longer. However, along the way, every time that I was able to stop myself from going into ' anger autopilot', I felt happy and encouraged, so you get some rewards along the road. Full disclaimer here: I'm not the image of calm and patience, but I can deal better with my impatience and I'm not triggered nearly as much as I was years back.

Cherry on top is that my life with less anger is a much happier life too!! Best wishes

I actually got help from acupuncture. I had never done it before and went in for other reasons but boy did it help with my moods! My acupuncturist told me that anger, irritability and explosiveness are symptoms of liver imbalance. I got treatment and have felt so much better ever since. I still take herbs and go in for an occasional fix-up. Easy and cheap. Before trying acupuncture I honestly thought that my only chance to change would be years of therapy.

The hardest part probably is to forgive myself that I spent so much precious time being so angry and frustrated. I'm working on being able to let it go and being kinder to myself.

I have also started to take better care of myself. Sleeping enough, eating regularly and having personal time without kids. Seems simple but was hard for me to put into practice. I have focused on other people's (my kids) need for years, now it's time to take equally good care myself. anon

I think the times when I was less of a mother than I wanted to be, I was overwhelmed by responsibility, fearful, and resentful. I was in an unhappy marriage, and feeling kind of stuck in it. This may not be the case for you, but I wonder what's eating you. In my experience these behaviors rarely exist in a vacuum. I know that when I start to get picky, judgmental and difficult there's something going on that I need to address. I learned that I don't need to say what I'm thinking, that I need to focus on me. This is pretty hard to do when you have little ones, but it's not impossible. My advice to you: regularly take some time for you, make a list of what's bothering you, what you change, and what you might have to accept. Wishing you peace. been there

I could have written your post a few years ago. Then I went on Zoloft for post-partum depression following the birth of my third child. The unexpected benefit was I stopped getting angry at everyone. I'm relaxed, my resentment has evaporated and my relationship with my husband is as good as when we dating.

I've tried to go off several times, but within several weeks Im back to screaming at everyone. So with my doctor's blessing I remain on a low dose. It has changed my life.

Good luck finding the right solution for you. Zoloft Lifer

If your hubby noted that you looked mad, you could have asked him for a hug to help you calm down. That would be a wonderful way to show your kids a positive resolution to some of life's harder to swallow feelings. grandchild of an angry parent, child of one who tried to be better and sometimes got it

One of the best suggestions he had, in my mind, was about TALKING to your kids about how you want to help them understand that when you say something, you mean it, and that you also want change the way you act when they don't seem to be listening to you. He suggests basically setting a-priori rules about how many ''chances'' the kids get to listen to you before a pre-determined consequence, that is non-negotiable, is invoked. It takes effort, but it really made a big difference in my household!

It's actually very helpful that there is a part of you that is aware that you overreact, even though you get caught up in the feelings at the moment.

A good and easy place to start is medical - have you had a checkup lately for thyroid, hormone levels, a review of any meds you are on, getting enough sleep? My physician colleagues say that a high thyroid level, for example, can show up as increased crankiness. Next, are there other stresses in your life that weren't there four or so years ago - besides having kids of course - that are driving this?

If not, I'd suggest both neurofeedback and thinking about/learning some new parenting strategies. Neurofeedback can help you train your brain to stay in a calmer, more relaxed state. Clarity about your parenting values, rules and strategies can give you something to lean on when your kids push your buttons. Maybe it's helpful to realize that in a way it's their *job* to push your buttons - to test the world, see what's okay, and to let you know what's going on inside them (kids don't have the words to describe it, so they ''show'' it).

For the frustrating times, it helps to have some tools in your pocket that can not only direct them, but also to help them learn to regulate their emotions and reactions. When that happens, you can get the cycle going in the other direction - you help them get calmer, so less buttons pushed and you get calmer, so you can better help them...etc. Pat@LadouceurMFT.com

Parenting is the most difficult job you will ever have. Our kids drive us crazy yet we love them dearly, more than they will ever know. And we never know if how we're raising them is right until years after the fact.

My kids are now 18 and 16,and absolutely wonderful. I've done so things the ''wrong'' way but somehow they remember they good. Don't be too hard on yourself. Get the help you need for you, your kids, and family. Nancy

We have a 5 and 8 y.o. I realized that I see other families in the USA having similar problems but now I cannot recall seeing it happen in the part of Europe we visited this year. In that country our friends go to work at 8 take a break in the morning, take an hour for lunch and stop work at 5 (I'm in the same line of work and put in 50 to 60 hrs a week as do colleagues here). They take a full vacation of several weeks adding up to a month over the year with all the work left behind. The children walk to school by themselves. Sunday, everything is closed and it is a time to spend with the family. Their children have sibling arguments, the parents let them work it out saying it is natural for children to argue they are fine, the children also understand that certain things are not acceptable and will not be tolerated and the children follow the set rules. The parents somehow manage not to yell or blow up at their children. They treat them as little adults guiding them as if they are co-workers being trained for a job. It seems to work.

Take home message, the bay area is a high stress two income 60 hour work week place and add children to this. Everyone thinks the other families are perfect and we try to be perfect as well. We cannot control and force things to be perfect. glenn

I wonder if you have a life outside your family. That can go such a long way to making things feel better. if you are a SAHM, your identity can get caught up in how the kids are doing, what they are eating, how they are behaving. But they are their own little people who will continue to grow in their independence - and defiance of you. The best thing for you to do is to let go of some of your expectations and turn to your own interests and perhaps professional accomplishments. That is what you can control.

Also, remind yourself to take more of your kids' defiance in stride - he didn't want lunch? Oh well! No treats, no snacks, until the next meal! Any other topics??? That kind of thing. Save your sanity.

Good luck to you, and looking to see what others advise. anon

Constantly stressed and short-tempered with older daughter

I would appreciate advice: 1. I'm consistently stressed and short-tempered, and 2. one of my daughters triggers me more than the other, so she catches the worst of my black moods.

My girls are nearly 6 and 4. I have had a particularly stressful year, with multiple extended-family illnesses and deaths. That said, I have always been short-tempered--not just this year--and my family suffers because of it. (Only my very most intimate, oldest friends know about my ugly temper. For the most part, I take it out at home--and on telemarketers!)

My husband and I are in counseling. We're actually in good shape; the counseling came about because of standard what-happened-to-our-passion-from-eight-years-ago-before-kids stuff. We address my temper in our sessions, and overall my husband feels I'm doing better. But, honestly, I don't feel I'm doing well enough.

Sometimes I get so angry I can't behave like an adult, and when I see how it effects my kids I'm horrified. Sometimes I scream and scare them; sometimes I just get immensely frustrated by small things that ought not to be a big deal--and it must just wear my kids out worrying about whether they're going to set me off.

Last week I was so pissed by my older daughter's whining and inability to stick with a dance class (which she's been in all year) that I drove the kids home in silence after the class, walked into the house, shouted to my husband that I was off duty, and went out on our deck and drank three glasses of wine in half an hour. (Generally, I don't drink.)

I just wish I could stop myself from getting so angry to start with. It's the big girl's whining that most frequently sets me off--and part of me thinks she just needs more attention (but I need her to be the big girl so that I can attend to her younger sister...)

I dunno. I haven't done a good job at teasing out my own strands. But I weep when I see my kids' faces after I've chastised them over nothing, and I'm not getting concrete help even from a good therapist.

Does anyone on this list have some other magic--or some other hard work--to suggest? Wish I could grow up

There is a wonderful therapist named David Siegel who writes about the relationship between the brain and mental wellness and I recently saw him speak.

What he says is that it is normal and expected that we all ''lose it'' once in a while so don't go beating yourself up over it. The KEY and important thing to remember is that you HAVE TO REPAIR IT. That is - apologize to your kid, talk to them and say, ''i am so sorry i was yelling earlier, i was angry about X, that probably scared you...'' and then your child will not be so traumatized by the event itself. He is an amazing speaker and author - and has a parenting book called Parenting from Within.

Aside from that - i would try to find ''tools'' you can use to calm yourself down and gain perspective to intervene on your own behalf before your kids grow up thinking their mom is a grump. There is a good book called buddhism for mothers...not dogmatic, just practical and an easy read.

I think we often expect too much of the older child and the advice I've always heard is to shower the older one with attention (as often as you can) because they most often lose out because of the needs of the younger one.

Also, i think we expect too much once they become verbal (like past age 3) and think that correlates with maturity and understanding - but they are still often totally confused by our actions and what we ask of them. Good luck to you - Remember how much you love your kids and go back to that place when you find yourself at wits end short tempered too

Then I started working with a grief counselor who suggested that this anger might be displaced grieving. That made it easier for me to get a handle on it, and working through my grief helped things stablize as well.

If you are seeing a couples counselor, that person might not be trained to recognize grief, which does not always manifest itself in ways you might expect, and you might want to get someone with specific experience. Call the local hospice and I am sure they will have referrals for you. And depending on the circumstances of the illnesses and loss you have been dealing with, you might be eligible for hospice services yourself which means the counseling is free of charge Been there, done that

1. Ask yourself, ''Is this a life safety issue''? If the answer is, ''no, it's not'' and you can feel that out-of-control, immature anger welling to the surface, shelve the issue. Tell your child that this behavior, issue, question, problem, etc. is important to you, but that you will need to take until tomorrow to resolve it with her (you may need to repeat yourself several times). Then, if you need to, write down the issue and put it away until you are in a better mood and can think quietly about how you want to coach/counsel her and deal with it.

2. Visualize. My sister has this visualization that she uses when her children really bug her (I can't bring myself to use it, but she swears by it). She pretends in her mind that she is wringing their necks. It makes her feel better and they never know that she has internally lost her cool.

3. Take some time for yourself. Every parent needs a daily dose of off-duty time. Even if you go for a 20 minute walk every day, give yourself some space. This can be a useful time to mull over the days events, etc. Take care Anon

This being said, think about what or towards whom you are really angry at, or perhaps feel resentful. Could if really be your husband you are angry at, and you end up taking it out on the kids? I have come to realize this is my case, and a couple things you said makes me think perhaps this is the case with you. Let me explain further.....

You mentioned lack of passion after kids.....this is a common problem of which in many cases leads to deep resentment. Also, another food for thought: How much help do you get from your husband taking care of the kids? You did not mention that you are a SAHM, but if your are, remember that you are ''working'' at least as hard as any individual working outside the home. If the scenario is that your husband works outside the home and you are a SAHM, things should be 50/50 right down the line upon his return. (for instance if you cook, he cleans, if you give kids a bath, he reads to them, etc etc)

Know matter how excellent a mother you are, and I can tell just by the tone of your message that you love your kids dearly, ANY mom (or parent) will feel angry, stressed and potentially flare up with temper if the above expectations not adhered to. as a former business executive, I can tell you first hand that taking care of one child, never mind two in your case, is an overall more challenging, tiring and emitonally draining feat than any job out there.

So, don't beat yourself up to much. You certainly, I as do, want to work on not yelling at the kids....they are at an age where they will exert their independence and push your buttons. But that is just part of being a kid. All kids need attention, whether 2, 4, 6 or 16 years of age for that matter. Remember they are your top priority, not work, money, or any other influence. My motto is, a parent should be working at least as hard at being a parent as they ever did or do at their career. It is far more critical in the end anon

I also might mention, on the subject of control, that anger of the sort you describe is often spawned by a feeling of lack of control over a situation. Changing that requires having a lot of faith in other people, including maybe your daughter?

Anyhow, best wishes since I know exactly how awkward a bad temper can be, especially for a mom! anon

Make sure that you are taking time for yourself during the week. The Berkely YMCA has great classes and you can put the kids in Childwatch while you work out. I have found that if I am not taking care of myself it makes me more resentful. If your daughter has a behavior that really sets you off, talk to her about it when you are not mad and set up a reward chart/recognition for her for not using that behavior.

Give yourself a time-out if you are going to yell at your kids. Tell them that you are upset and need some time to calm down before you talk to them.

Parenting is so demanding and relentless. Even people who don't have a bad temper yell at their kids. Try to give yourself some slack while you figure out how to change. Your kids love you no matter what, they will forgive you and even help if you let them know that you are trying to change. Joan

Meditation practice for me is all about that. Accepting responsibility, becoming aware of my emotions and what triggers them, actively choosing not to follow the habitual patterns, and being compassionate toward myself when I ''screw up''. It just makes things a whole lot worse if I am feeling crappy about my behaviour, rather than simply acknowledging it and pledging to myself that I will try again the next day (or moment). It really is challenging, but I feel myself being pushed to grow in new ways that I never allowed before motherhood. There is something extremely rich about the rawness of emotions that come up, coupled with the compassion and love we feel toward our children and our desire to do our best.

I'd highly recommend reading anything by Thich Nhat Hanh or Pema Chodron, for working with our emotions, and a lovely book called Dharma Family Treasures which addresses issues specific to parenting. Also Mindful Parenting by Jon Kabat Zinn. My all time favourite parenting book (and I generally hate parenting books) is Playful Parenting by Joseph Cohen. He has a whole chapter on working with intense emotions, both our children's and our own, and he addresses the all important issue of whining. Finally, maybe you just need a break? Are you getting to nourish yourself at all right now? It's impossible to be nurturing to little ones when our own needs are going unmet. learning day by day

A six year-old is still a very young child--no matter how much older she seems compared to the younger child.

You are modeling behavior that is very harmful to your kids, and you have to just take control of it-- there is no therapist who can do this for you or magic thing-- go outside and scream or stomp your feet or shake your head and then let it pass. Get good exercise--you will be surprised at what this does for you. I need to work out at least 40 minutes EVERY DAY and I am so much better than I was before.

I hope the first part of this message doesn't seem like I am lecturing you--this is all from experience. My first boy was born when we were so young and then the second followed shortly thereafter. I had a very stressful job--two kids, and was extremely bad with not controlling my temper. I would get mad and break stuff--and I saw how this effected my sons and just decided to stop. I started taking care of myself---and discovered that strenuous exercise was a WONDERFUL treatment for this--I hope this helps. When you child is a teenager, you will regret having displaying this behavior as acceptable for an adult. control the temper

Just a thought that perhaps you might like less time at home. Are you missing another part of your life? Need more balance? Think about what's making you angry, and you might be surprised by the results if you change things, even a little Hope this helps

Another thing you said is that you need your older girl to be a big girl so that you can focus on the little girl. Perhaps the reason she is whining is to get attention from you that she is not getting. Perhaps she sees that your younger daughter receives your attention by using her ''little girl'' whining voice. Sounds like a vicious dynamic that you and your daughter are in that, believe me, she will remember and resent unless you do something about it. And let me just say that ''nearly 6'' is still very young. Perhaps your expectations of the nearly 6 year old are much too high for her at this point.

Anyway, just my two cents. It may be hard to hear, but take it from someone who grew up with a very angry parent about how devastating it is to a child's psyche to grow up with so much hostility. I truly hope you seek better help for your anger. You are shaping the people your girls are becoming every single moment of your life with them. And there is no magic bullet cure. You have to work at it. cheryl

I do several things (and am still working on it!) 1. Being aware of what triggers me and trying to nip it in the bud (being in a rush, being overwhelmed, stressed, etc) by noticing when my anger starts to flare. I take a lot of deep breaths and often direct my daughter into another activity so she won't trigger me- she is a constant talker and has very high energy and I often feel blown over by her- and often have her go into another room with her younger brother, age 4. I also tell her when I am on the verge of losing my temper so she can choose (hopefully) to tone herself down a bit. 6 may be too young and I do worry about whether my daughter should even have to play a role at all in keeping me from losing it. 2. I also take breaks and actually leave the room and tell her I am taking a break. When I do yell at her I almost always apologize and explain that I was already stressed an that her behavior bothered me but that my reaction was more about the stress (Of course, I say it in ways I hope she can understand). 3. Lastly, I have started used Klonopin (an anti-anxiety med) as needed, and it really helps take the edge off. Of course, I do not advocate meds for eveyone with a temper. But I find myself at times made so insane by my kids just being kids (not listening, whining, etc). I think it is important to examine your temper in individual counseling so you can really sort things out and get the support you need and really deal with it head on. I know stress plays a major role for me as do my hormones. Exercise helps also. I know it is heartbreaking when you take anger out on kids and I do think we can stop it but it is very hard. Try not to be too hard on yourself but continue to seek help and make it a priority. Please feel free to ask the moderator for my email and maybe we can support each other and brain storm. anon

What works for me is to ask my husband to hold me accountable for unreasonable behavior and to remember how my mom dealt with anger so poorly. I have asked my husband to let me know when I go too far so I have an adult who will not let me get away with it and it means I have to apologize to my son when it happens. It comes from my upbringing where my mom was a rage-aholic. No excuse, but I remind myself that I don't want my kids to end up being afraid of me. This basically puts the fear of God in me and helps me to shape up (in addition to my husband's monitoring.) anon

Second, forget about the ''big girl'' concept. I also have kids two years apart, and that's not much of a difference. Mine are now 13 and 15, and the way I see it now, the blessing I seek is that their needy periods/crises don't coincide. Sometimes, I take turns neglecting one while tending to the other. That is fair. Always neglecting the first to care for the younger will never be. The younger may in fact be a more sturdy personality, they often are. In any case, she needs to learn the art of sitting tight while other's needs are met, regardless of her age. Thirdly, if the elder is whining, it is fair parenting to put a stop to that. Two ways -- give her more attention. Make a point of elaborately shouting to the younger in the other room when she calls to you: ''I can't help you now, I'm helping oldest.

You'll have to wait.'' Wait 2 minutes, then go to youngest. It will still count with oldest, and will do them both good. Second way: pretend you are more grown up than you feel and very calmly tell her you don't like whining. Don't give into it. Ever. Fake more self-control than you ever thought you would have in a million years. It will work very fast. If whining is your trigger, focus all your energy on making it go away -- in that mature parent fashion. It will be really hard, but it will work, and then your life will be better! been there

what i've done lately and seems to be working is i announce to my husband when i'm getting close to blowing, so he knows to do things to help me stay/get calm rather than feeding my fire. if i've managed to remain calm but need to let out the tension/anger/frustration, i do a primal scream into a pillow in another room (away from hubby and child). i even did it into my arm when we were in the car this weekend. i feel much better after that. i still think hearing that might scare my son, but not as much as seeing/hearing the louder more interactive version.

in the bigger picture, could you have a serious talk with your daughter about the effect of the whining on you, and ways she could more effectively communicate? i don't know if she's old enough to understand that approach. involve your partner in coming up with some solutions!! i think it sounds like you definitely need some help, and i'm sure other BPNers will have good suggestions. if i were you, i'd probably need stress reducers (more time to myself, deep breathing especially in the moment, yoga, exercise, meditation, etc.).

In my case, I was in counselling and my counselor suggested anti-depressants. I was on them for about a year and it made a lot of difference in my ability to parent appropriately. Longer term, I had to make changes in my life to address the sources of the stress, and it took me a couple of years to be able to look back and realize 1) how stressed I was and 2)how much it affected me -- at the time, I kept telling myself how well I was dealing, getting my work done, getting all the kid-stuff taken care of, keeping on keeping on.

I would return to the issue with your counselor and try specifically to get to the question of what is stressing you, and how you can change that (and, if you're comfortable with it, whether medication might help in the short term).

I wish you the best in dealing with this problem -- props to you for recognizing that you need to do something Been there done that

I think kids do constantly test our limits, and the challenge is to find ways to be there for them, which often means getting more support for ourselves. I remember when my toddler was driving me crazy (I was working a 40% schedule), an older friend told me I needed more childcare when I wasn't working so I could have time for myself. She was right, and it did help.

The other thing I do, is think, how am I going to feel when my kid is a teenager, and does this to me -- what they learn from us when they are young, is what they play back when they are older. One further point I would make -- As the oldest of a closely spaced sibling set, I remember being expected to be self-sufficient and helpful at a very early age; and it cost me a lot of money in therapy to undo some of that early stress. oldest daughter

However, because you demand so much of yourself and are hard on yourself when you do not meet your lofty expectations, you are equally demanding of those around you. It sounds like the anger you feel and express to your girls is the anger you feel over your disappointment in yourself. Are you a bit of a perfectionist? You sound somewhat like a perfectionist. This is a wonderful quality to possess if it is harnessed and controlled and channeled in a constructive manner. Otherwise, you end up bitterly disappointed with yourself and others due to unrealistic expectations. Anger is not a bad thing. It is a tool. I think of it as a barometer to point me to where something is not right within me. You sound like you have not been listening to what your anger is trying to point you to. Anger can be your friend so long as you are listening to it rather than lashing out from it.

One last thing as a practical piece of advice, perfectionists tend to overwhelm themselves and others so you may want to practice staying in the moment. When your anger flares, in that one moment, choose not to react 1. because you will only upset your girls, 2. it won't make the situation any better and 3. your girls will become mirror images of you in stressful situations.

So, in that moment, stop everything and resist the temptation to speak. Breathe. In a calm tone and with a calmer heart, practice talking and listening to your older daughter and her reasons. They may not make sense to you but just by listening to her you both will connect in a meaningful way. Love covers a multitude of sins. Oh, and forgive yourself too. You don't sound like the type who lacks love, only an objective and sincere look inside. Good luck ymsmorris

The second thing is to look (if you are interested in this stuff) into what ''type'' of person you are and what 'type'' of person your 6 yr old is. SOmewhere on the web I think there is a tool. It might be a Meyers-Briggs personality tool or something similar. It was probably something that was previously listed on BPN (anyone out there have a link?). But it helps you consider your kid's personality and yours and the likely challenges you may want to be aware of for your relationship.

Okay - and one more thing..TRY to remember that she is a kid, too (like your younger child) and she is likely to do kid-like things (like whine) even if she is an older sibling; and try to act like an adult (to both your kids), don't get bogged down in the whine, and try to let it run off your back. I know it's not easy Another mom who doesn't like whiiiiiiiine

How do you cope with anger toward your kids?

Other times I take time out myself when frustrated; try to remind myself what he might be going through, and lately, try to head it off at the pass by having a short snuggle - which isn't all that much different than what I used to do with the reading.