Berkeley Parents Network: How should children address adults?

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How should children address adults?

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How should toddler address non-family adults?
4-year-old has started calling parents by first names
More Advice about Etiquette

How should toddler address non-family adults?

January 2003

I'm confused about how I should encourage my toddler to start referring to non-family adults. My personal preference would be that my child call an adult Ms. Smith or Mr. Jones, or maybe ''Auntie Beth'' if it's a close family friend. Yet I never hear other adults providing these cues to their children. Is this a practice that's gone out of style? A recent parent posting expressed the matter very well for me, stating: ''I now think that calling adults by first names is really too familar and promotes a ''false'' sense of equality/peerdom between adults and kids. Using a title INSTANTLY puts an adult at a different level than a kid and helps a kid to understand the concept of respecting the position if not the individual in it..I think instilling ritual respect for elders is an important value that many of us unthinkingly threw away too fast - and yes, I do believe that questioning authority is valuable too, but respecting authority is also important....'' So, how do you encourage your child in this practice? On the other side of the coin: if every other child calls Ms. Smith by her first name, does my child seem like an outsider if I've discouraged him from using her first name? Deirdre

Whatever you decide to do, I recommend you tell your child that adults will have their own preferences about how the child addresses them, and that the child should address adults the way they want to be addressed. I was mortified as a child in about the third grade (early 70s) when a friend's mother told me rather sternly that she would prefer it if I called her ''Mrs. Smith.'' This was after I called her by her first name. I had always called all adults, except teachers, by their first names, and my mother had never warned me that some adults might prefer more formality. (This was part of a pattern of my mom not educating me about manners and social expectations, so maybe I took this incident hard because it reinforced my insecurity about knowing how to behave in the world.)
Still Embarassed After All These Years

I am very interested to see the replies on this one. My husband and I felt strongly when our child was born that we wanted him to call all non-family adults by ''Mr.'' and ''Mrs.'', as we did when we were kids - for all the reasons you (and the previous poster) listed. But he's now 2.5, and its been hard. Aside from one couple we're friends with (who also have a small child and are teaching her that as well), everyone had objected - ''no, it's Jane!'' It's also difficult becuase I feel awkward telling my son to ''Go ask Mrs. Jones'' when Mrs. Jones is having her child call me by my first name, and/or Mrs. Jones doesn't like being called Mrs. Jones. I also feel awkward about using and encouraging Mr/Mrs in these situations and thus in some way giving the message to the other parent that I don't like their choice, and want their child to call ME by the ''Mrs.'' name. One, I don't want to impose this choice on others, and two, I have an admitted emotional double standard here - I don't like being called Mrs. X, really, as that feels like my mother-in-law's name. (Though I'd rather that that my kids learn to call adults by their first name.) So what to do?? We've been weak. With that one couple we are strictly Mr/Mrs. Other than that I'm ashamed to admit I do a lot more ''Go ask so-and-so's Mom'' than I would ordinarly - thus avoiding using any name. But my son, of course, cathes on to names quickly at this point, and now uses some first names for adults around us.

This isn't very helpful, I know, other than to say - its harder than I thought to enforce this. Do I just need more backbone? Are we in the minority in thinking this is a good idea? Do most parents NOT teach this nowadays, or is the use of first names for non-family adults just a Bay Area or California thing? Anon

Well, ultimately it's your call, and you should do what makes you feel comfortable for your family. And you're right, the current trend is towards children addressing adults in their circle by their first names. For our family, that works well. I feel a deeper connection to those children who call me by my first name, and I can see my son responding with more affection and comfort to those adults he addresses by their first name. I don't feel any loss of respect by using first names.

On the other hand, I remember that I called my parents' friends Mr. or Mrs.--indeed I still do--and rarely if ever felt close to them, or that I could turn to them for fun or support. That ability to enjoy the company of and trust an adult seems to me to be the start of a deep and personal kind of respect. Carolyn

Deirdre, My husband and I have been grappling with the same question, and so I am very interested to see the responses to your post!

One idea, which a friend suggested to me: She said that when she was growing up, she addressed teachers and the parents of her friends by Mr. and Mrs. (or Ms.) Last Name. Her parents' friends, however, were addressed by first names. When I asked, she said that this system was not confusing at all to her as a child, and that she did learn from it that adults were not her peers... but that, at the same time, some adults (such as good friends of her parents) were - in a way - friends of hers, too. Sarah

This bothers me, too, but I've just given up because everyone else's kids call adults by their first names. My children do use titles with adult relatives: Aunt Rachel, Uncle Jeff, etc. Jennifer N.

A friend of mine and I grew up in the Midwest and *always* called adults by Mr. and Mrs. Of course, its weird now to try and change to their first name. My friend, while living in Atlanta, discovered a system she was really comfortable with. Her friends kids called her Ms or Mrs and then her first name! So, I would be Ms. Jennifer. She said it still had a respectful tone, but kids could transition to a full first name after their teenage years, etc.

It seemed like a good mix of respectfulness and common sense, and could also eliminate the ''call me Jane'' thing. Because the child would still be using the first name and the title. Jennifer

I have three kids, 7, 4 and an infant. Since my oldest was little, I began having her call most grownups (except a couple of really, really close family friends) but their last name. Many of these grownups correct them and ask them to call them by their first name. By now, both my 7 and 4 year olds understand that my expectation is that they call adults they are just meeting by their last name -- but that the adult may ask them to call them by their first. But they do ask me what people's last names are so they can correctly address them. I felt for awhile that I never meet a grownup who did want to be called by their last name here in the Bay Area, but they are out there. We moved here from Illinois and found that more people in the midWest still prefer children to address adults as Mr, Mrs or Ms. I think it is still an important part of teaching children to be respectful of adults and, while kids are important, they are not peers of adults. Sign me, Mrs. N

I hail orginally from the south where all adults are called either by Mrs/Mr. last name or more frequently Mr./Mrs. First Name. I like the custom of using mr/mrs first name as it is still a formaility without being too formal. I think mostly kids pick up cues from you on what they are to call people- if you call the person by their first name when talking to the child that's what they will call them. Anyway I thought I'd throw that suggestion into the ring. Good luck! Juliette

I'd like to add my 2 cents here...I don't think there's a black and white answer to this situation. I think we teach our children to respect or not respect other adults (and all people) by the way we raise them and act as roll models, not by whether or not we call someone by his/her first or last name. When I was a kid (I'll be 50 next week) some adults were called by first and some by last. There was no issue made about it. Of course teachers were called Mr. or Mrs, but when my cousins moved to Israel in the early 60's and reported back that there, teachers were called by first names, I was surprised and thought it was so cool.

My children, ages 7 1/2 and 12 are respectful of other adults because my husband and I have taught them that that is the way to treat adults...also, if they want to be respected, they must behave respectfully. I would say most of the adults in my boys life are on a first name basis. My children don't view these adults as peers.

My older son goes to a school where the K-5 grades call teachers by first names. The middle school teachers...some are first name, and some are Mr, Mrs Miss or Ms.(go figure!!)There is no question about respecting teachers at that school. I hope you come to a comfortable solution for yourselves, but I'm wondering if it might be more helpful for you to take a differenet view on this.
prefer to be called June

4-year-old has started calling parents by first names

January 2003

Recently, my 4 1/2 year old son has started calling my husband and I by our first names. I know that in some families this is no big deal, but it rather bugs me (I like being called 'Mommy', and he's the only one who can do it.) I've let him know that I don't like it when he calls me by my first name, but it still slips out (he mostly corrects himself). This is not a huge deal, but I'm curious out the phenomenon. Have others experienced this? I don't ever remember calling my parents by their first names.

I remember that when my son was in preschool, he started using my first name in conversation with other adults, as in ''I'll ask Ginger if I can come play at your house.'' When he talked to me, he addressed me as ''Mom''. He had figured out that everyone else calls me Ginger so he thought it would be less confusing to them if he used that name instead of Mom! I think a lot of kids must experiment with this at around age 4, maybe because they are starting to reason about the world around them. I told my kids that I prefer the name ''Mom'' because it is special since they are the only ones who can call me that. My 2nd son as a teen has started to call me Ginger, I think as a sort of private joke about his being more grown up. Of course when he wants me to do something really badly, like give him money, he reverts back to ''Mom''.
Ginger

Many kids go through a stage when they call parents by first names. It may be testing out being grown up and independent. When my son was about your child's age, he started calling everyone by first names. He even called my Grandmother -- known until then as ''Grandma Landau'' -- ''Landau.'' It was funny and cute, and passed quickly. Now he is 11 and I am ''Mom'' and ''Mommy-O'' and ''Momster'' and most often ''Moooooommmmmm'' (in various growls, croons and groans).
Leslie

Relax! Both my kids (now 10 & 11) called my husband and me by our first names for a while at right around the same age. Big deal. We attributed it to their realization that we were someone other than mommy & daddy. Its a natural part of their curiosity and I'd be willing to bet that they will resume with ''mommy & daddy'' in short order.
susan

My kids, now 11 and 13, did this for a while. One of them even called me by my first AND last name occassionally. They did this mostly when they wanted to get my attention. Treat it lightly, but do treat it. We generally laughed about it, but said, ''it's MOM to you, bud''. It never became a serious problem, and went away after a while. Because parents have a much needed and important role as an authority figure, I do not think it is ok for them to call you by your first name. They need to differentiate between the person in charge (you) and ''friends.'' You sometimes if not often have to make decisions in their best interest, regardless of whether or not they like the decision or you--at the moment. anon

My daughter has called me by my first name for weeks at a time several times in her young life. She also calls me Mama, Mom, and Mommy. I really dislike being called Mommy, so I understand what you're saying about having a strong preference. For what it's worth, I've decided not to ask my daughter not to call me ''Mommy,'' but instead to focus on my pleasure at her voice and tone. I answer to Mama, Mom, Mommy, or my first name. (Actually, if she called me Banana, I'd probably smile a silly smile and answer to that.) I have asked my husband and the adults in our life to refer me as Mama when talking to my daughter. Other than that, I wait for the phase to pass. Within a few weeks or a couple of months, it does.
Just call me ''Mama,'' please

I consistently referred to myself as ''mama'', my daughter (an only child) called me that for about 6 months before she was 2 but for as long as I can remember she calls me ''Sally''. No idea why. I never tried to dissuade her. Doubt I could have.
''Sally''

My son has been doing this off and on since age 3 (he's 3 and a half now). I think it is a phase, and it's not too surprising since no one else he knows calls me Mommy. If you think about it, most everyone your child knows calls you by your first name. I think they go thru a phase of figuring out what they should call you. I joke about it with my son, sometimes reacting in mock surprise saying 'Jen??!! Who is that? I am Mommy'. Or you could explain to him how special it is to you that he is the only one who can call you Mommy. Maybe draw a family tree and show him all the labels other family members have for you and how Mommy is his special label for you.
Jen

I definitely say stick to Mommy. In fact if my husband and I had to do it all over again, we'd have our boys preface titles to the names of ALL adults - Aunt Bertha, Cousin Jane, Mr. Smith, Miss Watkins, etc. I now think that calling adults by first names is really too familar and promotes a ''false'' sense of equality/peerdom between adults and kids. Using a title INSTANTLY puts an adult at a different level than a kid and helps a kid to understand the concept of respecting the position if not the individual in it.. i.e.Cousin Jane MAY be an idiot but she's still an adult. I think instilling ritual respect for elders is an important value that many of us unthinkingly threw away too fast - and yes, I do believe that questioning authority is valuable too, but respecting authority is also important.
Karen H.

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