Weaning a child who falls asleep by nursing
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Nov 2004
My daughter is approaching her second birthday. She nurses
twice a day (more when she’s feeling really sick) – right
before her nap and right before bed at night. She’s a great
sleeper; takes a long nap and sleeps through the night. She can
fall asleep without nursing when someone else, like my husband
or baby sitter, puts her to bed. She doesn’t love it when I’m
not there for bedtime. She asks for me a lot and cries on and
off. When someone else puts her to bed in her crib, she will
cry a bit for them (or for me if I put her in her crib before
she’s completely asleep) but usually not more than a couple of
minutes. I stopped nursing on demand a few months ago. We had
one rough day and then she was fine. Every once in awhile
she’ll ask to nurse at a time other than nap or bedtime and I
will say no. She cries a bit and then asks for her blankie to
suck on (she still has a strong sucking reflex). I’m not
anxious to wean her tomorrow but I have been thinking about
when it will happen. I love the closeness but am beginning to
feel really tied to her bedtime routine. I know nothing
comforts her like nursing and don’t want to traumatize her.
She a very routine-oriented kid. Our bedtime routine includes a
bath, a story in my bed and then nursing in our rocker. She
will ask to go night-night. When I say, “Do you want me to put
you in bed?” she will respond with “I nurse?”
I am generally not opposed to her crying. In fact, that’s how I
got her to finally sleep more than an hour when she was a baby.
But crying because you’re over-tired and are fighting sleep
feels different to me than crying because you want to nurse and
you’re not allowed to anymore. I’d prefer her to stop on her
own and yet, I don’t see her doing that anytime soon. Can you
sense my ambivalence? Is there any way to encourage her to
stop on her own at this age? I can enlist my husband’s help but
he travels a lot so I need to be able to get her to bed without
nursing, myself. I’ve check the archives but the postings
address different issues or age groups so any suggestions or
commiserations would be appreciated.
gentle mama
hi,
i had the same concern as my daughter was very breast dependent
on sleeping. however, it ended up being quite easy - given my
daughter has an easygoing temperament...that said this was also
the first major nursing session i cut out after night nursing
(around 12 months for night nursing and 16 months for bedtime
nursing).
Anyhow, I just told her a couple days beforehand that it would
soon be ending and that she could go nite nite without nursing.
then, one nite i told her we're going nite nite, turned off the
light and we snuggled (we cosleep). she tried to go for the
boob, but i said all done. she did wimper a bit but really not
very much. shut her eyes and went to bed.
the next nite was just as easy. i did tell her she could
cuddle with mommy and rub my tummy too - which she still likes
to do and now i'm trying to figure out how to wean her off that
one!
she did wrestle with me now and then to try and get a nursing
in there, but in general, she accepted it.
good luck! i promised myself we would nurse until two, but
also be totally weaned by two and her birthday just passed and
we both made it!!!
not so bad, just be firm
I really do understand your ambivalence -- I've been there, at
times. But it was always very clear to me that weaning a child
who wasn't ready was FAR more work than I was willing to do.
Continuing to nurse, especially when it WAS possible for other
people to put my son to bed when I wasn't there, was obviously
the better and easier choice for me, despite my occasional
feelings of being ''tied'' to the routine. (I actually had a
harder time with the evening home-from-work nursing session than
with the bedtime ones; I was tired of having to rush straight
home every night and never having the chance to go shopping or
something instead. Managed to get rid of that one at 18 months,
after an unsuccessful attempt at 15 months.)
I do think that 15-18 months or 3 years are better times than 2
years to ''encourage'' weaning. But you might try putting your
husband in charge of bedtime more regularly, and see how that
goes. When he is away, you can continue to nurse her down, but
she'll be more used to an alternate routine and that may allow
you to phase it out. That's essentially how it happened with my
son, though he was older at the time (past 3) and the reason
Daddy was taking over the bedtime duties was my second
pregnancy! So how much was the Daddy factor and how much was
the pregnancy-induced changes in my milk is impossible to say.
Also, you might want to put your daughter in a twin bed now.
This would allow you to lie down in HER bed to nurse her to
sleep, which has some advantages, or it did for me, anyway,
especially since the rocker we had wasn't very comfortable! My
son got used to going to sleep with me lying next to him but not
necessarily nursing to sleep, and then he got used to going to
sleep with someone else lying next to him. In other words, it
made it easier to substitute cuddling for nursing as the last
step in the bedtime routine. (Now, at 3 years 9 months, he
still prefers that a parent stay in the room with him until he's
asleep, but doesn't need a parent in the bed.) Our slow-and-
gentle approach to these transitions has worked well for us and
we don't regret it. You may prefer to push things along faster,
of course, but I can assure you that even if you do nothing, at
some point your daughter WILL wean herself and WILL be able to
go to sleep alone without tears. Really. I promise. :-)
anon
Dear Gentle Mama, Sorry I missed this question the first time
around. I read your original post and I could have written your
question a few months ago! I want to reassure you not to worry
too much about the warnings about missing a weaning window at age
1. I was a little panicked myself that I'd still be nursing my
daughter to sleep at kindergarten, but she weaned very, very
easily a couple months after her 2nd birthday. We had reduced
nursing to before nap and bedtime, but she was very committed to
those sessions. I talked with her a bit about how nursing was
getting uncomfortable for me because she was getting so big, but
didn't make a big deal about it and tried to keep the whole idea
of getting ''bigger and bigger'' and learning to do new things/
giving up old things very positive. The last step of my
daughter's routine had been for her to go into the crib and fall
asleep, but sometimes on nights when she was having a really hard
time falling asleep, my husband or I would rock her. One day when
she had skipped nap and was pretty sleepy, my husband took over
the night-night routine and then when she went into the crib and
started crying, he asked if she'd like mommy to come rock her. I
think she was so excited to get rocked that she sort of forgot
that we'd skipped the whole nursing step. She never asked to
nurse again! After that, we just replaced nursing with rocking,
so I or my husband would read a story, then rock her a bit to a
lullaby CD, then put her in her crib. And the best part of all
is anyone can do it!! Now, not only am I able to be away if
necessary at nap and bedtime, but I don't have to worry that she
is crying and crying for me to nurse her! I think we both were
ready to wean and I have been surprised that I really haven't
missed nursing a bit. We still have a cuddly routine that is
special to us.
Loved nursing, but happy she's weaned!
May 2004
I am hoping to wean my daughter at about 12 months old. She is now 11
months old and unless my husband puts her to sleep(rarely) she nurses to
sleep. She takes a bottle during the day but not to fall asleep. In order to nap
or go to sleep at night she requires nursing. It's her only form of soothing &
comfort. She has always been an active nurser & a ''high need'' baby who
wouldn't take any substitutes(pacifier) & couldn't self soothe. When frustrated
or denied the breast she cries violently. It wasn't until recently that she began
to take a bottle. I am confidant that weaning her by a year is appropriate but I
fear this difficult transition will not only cause us both
heartache but that it simply may be impossible....
~thanks for any input~
Good on you for planning to make it through a whole year
nursing. Making the decision to stop nursing is a tough one,
but I am sure that you are making the best decision for you and
your baby.
Like you, I nursed my child through for a year (she is 13
months now). She isn't high needs, but is very active and
opinionated. And her opinon for so long has been that the
booby is the best thing in life. I have been slowly dropping
feedings for the past month until last week I was just nursing
her before putting her to sleep -- sometimes I put her down
asleep and sometimes she was still awake but heading to
dreamland quickly.
I have finally stopped nursing her, with success so far. I
rock her and cuddle her before bed like I always have.
Periodically I give her a drag off her sippy cup. She isn't
going to sleep as easily as she had, but she is going down and
staying down. I am actually surprised at how easy this
transition has been for us.
Good luck to you.
been there
A good book that I think would help you with weaning your child
from nursing to sleep is Elizabeth Pantley's ''No Cry Sleep
Solution''. She describes a technique called the ''Gentle
Removal Plan'' which specifically addresses this issue. Good
luck!
shamis
February 2003
I have read the postings on the Web site about weaning but most
seem to deal with the problem of a baby not taking a bottle or
a sippy cup. My 10 1/2 month takes both. The problem is that
she only falls asleep on the breast. She will take a bottle
and drink sort of half heartedly before pulling it out of her
mouth and playing with it. (I only recently started trying the
bottle after she hadn't used one in months.) She will also
drink from a sippy cup but she will not go to sleep with either
bottle or sippy cup. I only nurse her four times a day --
before her naps, at night and around 4:30 a.m. (She wakes up,
eats and then goes back to sleep) I want to wean her by 12
months in order to give my body a break before we start trying
for baby #2. My questions is: Is there a way to get her to
fall asleep with bottle or sippy cup? Is it a bad idea to give
her the bottle since she takes a sippy cup? Is it at all
possible that a baby that is dependent on the breast to sleep
will wean herself if I am just patient? I hate to let her cry
it out because I don't like it and I have her on a regular
schedule and don't want to ruin that. Any advice is appreciated.
worried mom
I don't have any advice about weaning the baby off nursing, but
I did want to suggest that you avoid substituting a dependency
on a bottle for a dependency on nursing. If you wean the baby
off nursing, but on to a bottle to fall asleep, then you'll just
have to wean off the bottle later. I think rather than focusing
on weaning, you may want to focus first on getting your baby to
fall asleep on her own, without nursing. Try giving her a new
routine, including nursing, but don't let nursing be the last
thing. If she is starting to fall asleep, gently rouse her so
that she is drowsy, but not asleep. Then move on to a song or
story (or just a cuddle) and try putting her down when she's
still a little bit awake. Don't worry -- you don't have to let
her cry it out! There are a lot of books out there on teaching
babies how to fall asleep that don't involve the crying it out
method. If she learns how to go to sleep without nursing, then
it will be much easier for both of you to give up nursing.
Stephanie
I know you dont want to let your baby cry it out and neither
did I. I found that in order to get my daughter to fall asleep
on her own, I had to get her on a schedule i which she nurses
when she wakes up from her naps rather than when she falls
asleep. It took a couple weeks of crying before she could fall
asleep on her own, but it is definitely worth it. I never let
her ''cry it out'', I would go in every few minutes depending on
the kind of cry she making, pick her up and hold her for a bit,
put her back down and so on. Sometimes in the beginning she
would fall asleep on me before I put her down, but after a
while we got to the point where I can put her in the crib, read
her a story, sing her a lullaby and she will kvetch a bit, but
then she just chit chats until she falls asleep.
it can work!
I think that you should begin teaching your baby how to fall
asleep without drinking milk. You will be thankful when your
child is weaned from the breast and can self-soothe in other
ways. Will she take a pacifier? There is a way to have her ''cry
it out'' without letting her cry for too long. You put her down -
assuming she's in a crib - and tell her goodnight, etc. Then
leave. If she cries, go right in and tell her it's time to sleep
and that you are there if she needs you - just outside the door.
Also tell her that you will take longer to come back if she
cries again. Do all of this in 30 seconds or less and don't pick
her up. When she cries - and she probably will - wait 5 minutes
and go back in. Repeat your 30 second spiel and leave. Do the 5
minute wait again. Continue until she is asleep. We did this
for our son - he had previously fallen asleep on the boob - and
in about 3-4 nights it worked. We've had to try it again on
occasion as getting to sleep can become a problem at different
stages of development, but it always works after a couple of
nights for us. It is difficult for the parents waiting out those
five minutes, but ultimately so worth it. Our son is now 2+ and
falls asleep on his own almost every night of the week.
Good Luck, A Rested Mama
-----
I am in the same boat as you, but with my third child. He'll
take a cup for thirst but won't take a bottle for comfort when
falling asleep. Here's what I'm trying (it seemed to help the
weaning process with my other two): I got a CD player for his
room and am playing the same classical lullaby CD while I nurse
him in his rocker. Eventually, I'm going to start having my
husband rock him with a bottle with the music playing. It's my
hope that the music and the rocking will become the sign that its
time for him to go to sleep and he won't be so dependent on the
nursing. I'm trying to do the same at nap. After a week, he's
certainly going to sleep on a more predictable schedule. He's a
little younger than yours (8 mos) so I won't be weaning for
several months. My two girls very much still want their lullaby
music when they go to sleep at night (they are 4 and 7). They go
to sleep very easily and sleep all night so, as a result, I think
nightime music can be very helpful to children's bedtime routine.
Jennifer
I had this problem with my daughter and I decided to wean her one step
at a time. over all it took me about two weeks. I did not substitute for a
bottle, nor would I reccomend it. Letting them fall asleep drinking milk
can lead to lots of cavities--- one of the reasons I decided to wean her off
the nightime nursing.
The first thing I had to do is to get her to disassociate nursing with bed
time, so I would nurse her in the livingroom and once she was full, I took
her to bed and lay down and read her books. then I lay with her untill
she fell asleep. Once she got used to this, then I stopped nursing her all
together.
She did resist at first, but once I stood firm and said no nursing she
adjusted quite easily. The morning nursing was the last to go. Once she
adjusted then we began the process of her going to sleep with out me
laying with her.
It helps if you establish a routine. My daughter takes a bath, we put on
pajamas, brush her teeth, drinks water, read books, and then we cuddle.
In that order... everytime. This worked well for me, but other moms I
know decided to have a party to say goodbye to nursing and then
stopped cold turkey.
Good luck!
I weaned my son from a similar schedule at 10 1/2 months by
doing a couple of things. First, I sent my husband in at night
to comfort him when he woke around 4:30 a.m.; he basically
rocked him and comforted him and then put him back down. He did
cry a bit, but quickly adjusted to the ''no feeding in the middle
of the night'' new routine. At bedtime, I started supplementing
with a bottle before nursing to make sure he was good and full
(so I wouldn't fear that he was waking starving at 4:30 a.m.)
After a few nights, he fell asleep after the bottle and wouldn't
take the breast, so that was that! Maybe if you wait until your
baby is good and sleepy before trying it, it might work. You may
also have to resign yourself to a little bit of crying as your
little one adjusts to the new routine --- again, substituting
cuddling (preferably by someone else who isn't associated with
breastfeeding; i.e. husband/partner) to ease your child to
sleep. Again, there may be a bit of crying involved b/c this is
a change and change can be upsetting, but sometimes that's what
needs to happen in order to move into a new behavior. Or, you
can just wait it out and see if your child makes the first move
to wean, but that could take a while . . .
Lisa
Hello,
My daughter too only fell asleep while nursing. I found the best
way to introduce new routines was after having traveled. It is
just easier for my kids. So, when we got back from I can't
remember where, my partner started to put her to bed. After he
gave her a sippy cup (she would not take a bottle) he started
singing and rocking her until she fell asleep. She did not cry
the first night because she was in shock! It took about a week.
We also made sure she was VERY tired before she went to bed. It
was a pretty smooth transition.
Good luck
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