How to work together on budget and finances

In our 8 years of marriage, my husband ALWAYS did the finances. Before we had kids, we'd sit down at least a couple times a month to talk through his Quicken reports. He has used Quicken for at least a decade, and feels very comfortable with it.

Since having kids, my husband no longer has time to keep up with the categorization that Quicken requires for us to track our spending. At one point I offered to take over, but I use a Macbook, the Quicken files resided on his Dell laptop, and I always found reasons to not do it.

We sat down today to have a really good discussion and I feel like for the first time in years, we were both really honest with each other. We both feel like my husband holds all the cards financially in our relationship, and neither of us is comfortable with that. We want to work together to track our expenditures and set a budget and some savings goals. We both recognize that we're each going to have to work a little at a time when we have a moment to sit down, and it's RARELY going to be together (he travels a lot for work, and I'm super busy with the kids and work part time).

One suggestion my husband had was trading Quicken for something online that we can both access. He didn't know WHAT website might offer that though. We have 2 credit cards, about 8 different accounts (when you include the 401K and IRAs and our kids' accts), as well as utilities and whatnot. We want it ALL to go to one place.

How do others handle finances in their marriage when you want to work as partners? What suggestions do you have for our situation? Want to be financial partners with my partner

Things I LOVE about Mint.com:
- track all of our accounts (bank, credit, assets, retirement, EVERYTHING) in one place
- free and accessible from anywhere
- can set budgets and goals (like paying down debt) and track progress
- nifty graphs of spending, income, etc.
- saves me hours every month because I no longer have to balance a checkbook, track 5 different accounts, etc.

Wow, I totally sound like a commercial, but I just really love mint.

My wife and I use Quicken on a desktop PC in our house that we can both access and I generally recommend it to my financial planning clients as well. If you just have his laptop and your Mac (Quicken for Mac is lame), I would recommend checking out Mint.com as a possible web-based alternative. You might also consider instituing a regular ''state of the household'' meeting where you and your husband get together to review the family finances. Best of luck! John

You can set budgets and it will alert you when something is over budget, etc. It makes it so easy to track everything. I also have my own way of viewing things so i created filters but they don't exactly work the way I want so I download it in to excel and manipulate it there. It is also a nice way to save your data in case you need to....

It's owned by Intuit so I feel safe.

I hope you stay interested in your family finances--I think it is really important to look at the reality of your own situation and know where you are/stand no matter how good or bad. Good luck! anon

We put everything in Quicken and download as much as possible from on-line accounts (including 401ks). It doesn't take that long (an hour at the most) once a month to make sure everything is entered properly (and categorized) and your checkbook is balanced.

I'm sure you can find one hour/month that he isn't using his computer.

I'm not ready to have all our financial information stored on the Internet in one place.

We take turns paying the shared bills each month. Only COMCAST is automated since it is the same amount every month. The rest we pay through Bill-Pay on our bank's on- line site.

We use our shared credit card as much as possible (REI VISA - 1% back on purchases) but pay it off every month.

Once a month I download the credit card transactions from US Bank (the company that runs the REI VISA card) into Quicken. Quicken will recognize the payees and the last category you assigned to that payee. That works most of the time. Sometimes you need to change the category if you bought something different.

We use Quicken Premiere because it includes retirement planning. By entering a few assumptions and major upcoming expenses (like college or a new car), and knowing how much money you need to live on, you can get a reasonable picture of when you can retire. --Good Luck

Husband and I not agreeing on finances

I have 2 kids, a 3 year old and a baby and I have been taking care of another child in our home since the other boy was 11 months old, nearly 2 years. Before this setup, my oldest and I took care of other children in their homes so, since my son was born, I have been taking care of other children. The boy I currently care for will be starting preschool somewhat soon. I told my husband when my daughter was born ten months ago that I did not want to take on any other kids but my own once our other little friend moved along to preschool and he agreed at the time but now wants me to start looking for another one anyway. We don't *need* my extra income, we can live off of my husband's income pretty comfortably. He just doesn't want me to not contribute any money to our household. At this point, taking care of 3 kids is really exhasting. We've worked it out pretty well because we have had the other little guy for so long and we love him. The thought of integrating another kid into our household in addition to the normal 3 year old battles I have with my son and napping troubles I have with my daughter is monumentally unappealing. I also go to school part time (online) and am already falling behind. I thought we were on the same page with this but my husband has dug his heels into the sand. He thinks he gets to make all the big decisions because he makes most of the money. I feel like I, myself, am a household employee. I've suggested numerous times that we go to counseling but he absolutely will not. I love my husband very much but am so frustrated with his unwillingness to make financial decisions like this together. I don't want to jeopardize my ability to be home with my children right now but I also don't want to feel trapped and powerless in my marriage. I'm not sure how else to talk to him. I've said this to him exactly as it's written here and he responds by saying that I just want to do whatever I want to do and have no regard for him. I appreciate any imput that anyone out there can offer in this delicate situtation. I'm your wife, not your nanny

Sorry if this isn't the answer you were hoping for... but I haven't found digging in with the heels to solve major arguements - unless it's a dealbreaker you're willing to leave about.
still learning, practicing to not polarize

Besides which, having greater earning power does NOT translate into greater decision-making power. If you're not feeling like an equal partner in the relationship, there's a problem.

That said, I didn't get a sense from your post of what your longer-term career goals are. You mention that you're enrolled in school; and if it's a degree that would boost your earning power beyond what you would make as a childcare provider, then I'm surprised your husband isn't more supportive of it. If you're still defining your career goals, or re-defining them post-kids, or the field that interests you doesn't pay very well... then I can better understand your husband feeling stressed about his role as provider. It sounds like a longer-term plan might be in order... you finish your degree, in a certain amount of time you find part-time work, maybe at some point you go to full-time, etc etc. Or maybe there are some other issues at play here. If you can make time for a couple of counseling sessions, they really will help you get to the real causes of this conflict. Hang in there money. My husband and I have joint accounts and we are a true team--it has saved our marriage many times not to have one's worth to the family based solely on what one contributes financially. Red flags went up for me all over when I read your post. Please think twice before you have kids with this guy We're a Team, Financial and Otherwise.

I have heard, though, that people in unequal relationships liek this, but where the woman still pays half of everything (taking 2/3 of her pay and a miniscuule amount of the man's) never work out. Apparently, down the road, the women seem to feel tha man is stingy. I wouldn't know, but I'm hoping to get to gether with a guy around my income level next time, rather than one who is always bugging me to change so I can make more money (and stop doing the work i love) anon

Fiance refuses to share money and wants a pre-nup

My partner and I have been together for four years and haven't gotten officially married, though we did have a commitment ceremony. Once we started trying to have a baby, though (one year ago), I realized I really wanted to get married but he's been resisting. I haven't wanted to pressure him, but as the year has gone by and I haven't been able to get pregnant (I'm 37), I feel more strongly that I would love to live our future together as a married couple. But when I do bring up getting married he says things like, ''We need to figure out how to make more money.''

He makes a lot more money than I do (in the six figures) and has a very demanding work schedule. He said he's glad we haven't been able to have a baby yet because we don't make enough money, he wants me to agree to work full time if we do have a baby so we have more money, and he doesn't want to get married unless I sign a pre-nuptial agreement about what would happen to his money if I divorce him because of his work schedule. He says he doesn't want to ''get screwed'' and lose all his money and his house in a divorce.

I am floored by this--he is such a good and loving person--and I know it's a good practical idea to think through finances before getting married, but isn't this a weird way of looking at money and marriage? To prepare financially for divorce because you're not willing to modify your work schedule once we have a family? I read a post on BPN about ''A Couples Guide to Love and Money'' and after reading the book I embraced its idea of having a joint checking account and using our money to accomplish our future goals together. He refused to combine our money, though, and I continue to pay him ''rent'' plus we split all groceries, pet bills, dates, furniture, kitchen supplies, etc by 50%. I feel very naive--I'm the one who is a teacher, never making much money, but finding ways to travel, visit friends and family on the East coast, but not devoting much thought to money. Is he practical and responsible, and am I idealistic and irresponsible? Do people typically think this way about money and pre-nups? Is this a fundamental clash of values? Is this something bigger than finances? love -n- money

It’s impossible to predict ahead of time how things will work out – he could well change his mind once he actually has a baby, and maybe he’s just uptight about money – some people are. But I don’t think you want to sign any agreements that leave you vulnerable after you get married and/or have a child. Maybe you should talk to a couples’ counselor? Or a lawyer? 50/50 is not always equal

I understand the desire for making more money, especially in partner's in times of family planning, but what you described sounds like an actual problem, perhaps an addition. I would advise you to suggest couples counseling or one-on-one counseling for your partner, whichever seems more likely to happen. This does sound like a clash in values big time, and becuase of that, you want to think long and hard about the decision you make. You don't want to regret not having a family due to this. Good luck! Sharing is good

Your boyfriend doesn't want to share his income with you, even while you're together. He doesn't seem to want to share much of anything with you. He doesn't want to marry you.

If he did, you'd be married been there, moved on

Paying bills in ''roommate mode'' - what's a fair split?

Hi, I have a question about how to pay the bills when each person in the couple is earning a different amount. Maybe both earn similar hourly amounts, but one works more hours. Or maybe they both work the same 40 hours, but one ears twice as much.

What is fair? How do you decide what goes in the joint account and what stays separate? Do both contribute a percentage of their income? Do you put equal amounts in a joint acount? Do you keep equal amounts in separate accounts for ''personal'' spending?

I feel stuck in the ''roommate mode'' where we both contribute equal amounts to family life, but it is feeling very unfair to me. He has a whole lot left over for lunch with his buddies or electronic gadgets, and I have little. Just writing this has made me realize how messed up this is. Anybody know of a website or book to consult? Thanks. financial idiot

My husband and I have very different incomes - I work full-time and he is a part-time stay at home parent, and also works very part-time. We've done our budget together, and we figured out how much is left over after all bills and expenses (not much!) and we split that amount evenly for our personal use (for things like lunches out, items we wish to buy). I pay most bills, daycare, groceries and the mortgage, and he pays for errands that he has time to run but I don't (filling the car with gas, trips to the pet food store or Costco, doctor co-pays, etc.). It generally works out so that we have an equal amount left over, but if he's short on funds then I write him a check so he has money to spend.

Since we've agreed on a certain amount per week of spending money (same amount for each of us) and since we both pretty much stick to it, this feels fair to both of us. The only thing we haven't worked out here is that he feels like a teenager asking his parents for money when he has to have me write him a check... which isn't a good dynamic. Eventually we'll work out a better system for that. anon

My husband makes more than twice what I make, so if we split things, I don't know if I could even come up with my 'share'. And he would never consider suggesting it. Team member

1. Figure out which expenses are shared. Some are obvious, like PG&E, while others, like dinners out, may require some discussion. Come up with a total amount for the year to cover those expenses (plus a little extra). Divide that by 12. This is the amount that needs to go in a joint account each month.

2. Total your income and his. Figure out the percent of income you each have to that total. For example, if you earn $40k and he earns $60k then you're earning 40% of $100k and he is earning 60%.

3. Multipy your percent by the amount from #1. This is how much you put in the joint account each month. He puts in the balance (which should be the same as the figure that you would come up with if you multiplied his percent by #1.

4. Re-evaluate the amount in #1 at the end of a year as you may find there are expenses that are appropriate to the joint that were not considered or that an inadequate amount of funds was being put in to cover the agreed upon expenses.

Another option is one you suggested, you put a pre-determined amount into each person's personal account. You would have to decide what gets paid from your personal accounts.

It is important to remember that most everyone has money issues that go beyond the obvious. Discussing those at the outset will help. Successfully Done It

I also liked ''Get a Financial Life'' which does a good job of explaining basic financial concepts like why the coat you bought for $70 really cost you $100. But ''The Family CFO'' is more practical and hands-on and more applicable to couples and families.

Others I've read that are good for just inspiration or for a few key concepts like saving or getting out of debt:

Suze Orman's books
Rich Dad, Poor Dad
Seven Laws of Money
Overcoming Overspending

If you both work, how do you divide up the bills?

I've read the previous advice from 2003 about couples and finances. I'd like to ask specifically about how couples that both work share finances, grocery shopping, household cleaning and child care. When one person works part time and does more of the child care are they still responsible for 1/2 the bills, etc.? Any information on gifted money from parents and how that is used is appreciated in advance. Thank you very much.
anon working mom

This is different from pre-baby. we kept out own money and divvied up the bills by half. Now, however, it doesn't matter WHO makes more because the only way we can do it is as a team (i.e., if I wasn't taking care of baby, the money she makes would be nice, but more sent to daycare, etc.) Hope this helps GO TEAM!

I work 40 hours, my partner works 30 hours paid + 20 hours volunteer. We pay for childcare during some of those unpaid hours and I cover the rest weekends/ evenings. We divide the bills that we each pay and try to adjust the division to be sure that we each are accumulating $ in retirement/ savings accounts. We divide household chores based on what we like to do or feel controlling about. I do cooking, 1/2 grocery shopping, bedtime, laundry, childcare arrangements, vacation arrangements, healthcare arrangements, and planning for house improvements. My partner does dishes, most pick-up/drop-off, morning routine, car maintenance, house improvements, 1/2 grocery shopping, 1/2 house cleaning, all gardening. Maybe we are lucky that the split feels rather fair. anon

Since my partner is a part-time stay-at-home dad, he ends up with a lot of the chores. He does all the dishes and all the laundry, and small daily cleaning tasks. On weekends, I do all the grocery shopping and one big full-house cleaning stint. We share pet care. I also do much of the cooking, but that's just because of how our schedules work out - he has many activities that start around dinner time, so I end up responsible for dinner.

Child care is another hard one. Our 3.5 year old son is in daycare 2 days per week, and with his grandmother 1 day per week. My partner has him 1.5 days per week, and I work extra hours at the beginning of the week so I can take off part of Friday to spend with our son. Basically, in the mornings, at night, and over the weekends I am primarily responsible for him. This means that I don't get much time to myself. My partner gets more. We could try to work on it to make it more ''fair'' to me, but adult concepts of what is fair don't make any difference at all to a 3.5 year old boy who would rather spend time with his mama than anyone else. Since I am not with him during the day on weekdays, he really misses me by the evening time, and wants the whole weekend with me as well. I have just come to grips with the fact that this cannot be split ''fairly'' and take my moments to myself when I can get them. This is after years of me griping to my partner that he needs to give me more time to myself, and trying every which way to make it happen - and it just ends up being unsatisfying for me and hard on everyone else. anon

Here's how it works. All money that comes to us (salary, bonuses, gifts to us as a family) go into the ''corporation''. The corporation pays all household-type expenses (housing, food, gas, car repair, kids, etc.). It also pays each of us an equal monthly allowance. The rule is, your allowance is yours to do what you wish and the other person has no say about it. We use allowance for our own clothes, lunch/ dinner out, gifts to each other, help for friends in need--anything that benefits only one of us or that is controversial.

If money were gifted to one of us (like a birthday check), it belongs to that person. However, if one of us got a huge sum--inheritance, let's say, we would put it in the corporation. Good luck! happy egalitarian

How to divvy up expenses now that we have a baby

My longterm boyfriend and I recently had a baby and, after many years of having no clear financial arrangement, we find ourselves fighting about money a lot. I'd be curious to know how other couples/families divvie up finances, and what they'd recommend for my situation. Our background: when at my job full time, I make about 40-50 percent of what he does. I'm now working three days a week and taking care of our baby two days (plus many saturdays, when he works). He owns the house, and he pays the mortgage and the bills (his choice, not mine). Till now, we've had separate accounts, and i've typically paid for groceries and big ticket items like sofas. It might sound like i'm getting a great deal, but in fact i hate how nebulous it is, and i feel powerless; i'd much rather be pulling my weight financially and feel like i owned the house as well. plus, there's an underlying expectation on his part that i do most of the housekeeping and more traditional domestic chores since i'm not paying rent or bills. my preference would be to come up with an agreement where i contribute more money, and do less (though still the majority of) domestic work. but he's reluctant to even discuss it, and keeps complaining about how he's paying for everything and i should be doing more. (with a new baby and a job, i feel stretched to the absolute limit as it is). I also feel my time spent with baby and lost wages from that time isn't taken into consideration.

Ideally, i'd like to come up with an arrangement where i feel more like i'm contributing financially and he doesn't complain of me taking advantage of him. So my question is, if we shared finances, how much would be fair for me to pay: split all expenses 50-50? and if i pay ''rent'', do we factor it at the going rental-market rate, or as percentage of his mortgage (he bought house cheap 10 years ago). How do you factor in my taking care of baby two-three days a week, and my lost wages from those days? And how do we best join our finances: bank account? contribute a certain amount to an account every month? What difference would it make to our finances if we were to marry? (and would i be more protected in case we were to ever split, god forbid). And, if we are to eventually buy a house together (which i think might make me feel less like i moved into his world), how do we share that expense, considering he has a lot more money than i do.

Lastly, if we can't resolve this on our own, can someone recommend a professional to help us come to some sort of agreement on this? anon

Be that as it may, let me answer your questions. If you get married, and don't have a prenup, then everything he makes from now on will be community property. That means that half of his salary is yours (and half of your salary is his). If you buy a home before you get married, you'll have to come to some agreement as to whether the house is equally shared or whether you are buying only a part of the house. If you buy it after you are married, the house will also be community property. anon

What took me a long time to realize (and accept) was that our finances were never going to be equal (and I mean both ways, there have been times in the last couple of years that our income levels changed and I was the one bringing in more and paying more). And I was not a bad/lesser person because of this. When I finally accepted this, it also made me stop trying (and feeling guilty) that I was not making the same as him. There is so much more to a relationship and family and career than $$. You work hard for your money, and for your family and relationship -- respect your money and honor all that you do! It's not your fault that he brings in more. And just because he does, does not mean you should feel obligated to always being do more to make up the difference.

My advice would be to combine into one account for both incomes/and all expenses. If you both crave a little more independence -- have separate savings/investment accounts. It is one thing when you are two individuals living together, expenses can be split up in an easier way. But when you have a child, it's just not as easy. There are so many expenses that need to be covered by both of you (and you definitely don't want to have to discuss every expense that comes up) and making your baby a priority means that both of you can no longer focus on just your careers and bringing in a certain amount of money.

If this freaks your boyfriend out because he already thinks he's paying to much, talk to him about what he thinks the family priorities should be. If he really thinks (and you agree) that you should work more, then maybe you should discuss daycare alternatives and bringing in a housecleaner a couple times a month. If he really thinks it's important for the baby to be cared for by you (and him) then he'll need to accept the fact that there's going to be a limited amount of money for awhile and he'll be bringing in more of it.

It sounds to me like you are doing a LOT of work (baby, job, house) -- so much of which does not have a dollar sign attached to it. Respect and stand up for all that you contribute to the family. It is worth a great deal and you should feel good about all that you do -- not like you're never doing enough. Regarding the house thing, I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this (I'm still not on the deed for the house my husband bought during our relationship but prior to our marriage). I personally think, more important than what to do with the house, is making plans to protect the baby (and also you since you are caring for the baby) if something should happen to your boyfriend. Insurance? Will? Add you to the deed? I'm not sure which makes the best financial sense but an investment planner can probably help you there. Best of luck! cj

I can tell you what my husband and I have done. Before we were married, we got a joint credit card and used it to pay for joint expenses (restaurant meals, theater tickets, 'toys' we planned to share) and split the bill 50/50, and after we moved in togehter, we did the same with rent and other household expenses. When we married, we decided that 50/50 was no longer appropriate and began dividing all household and joint bills in the same proportion as our respective incomes. Which meant it stayed almost 50/50, as it happens, since we've so far earned very similar incomes, but we've built some flexibility into the system for the future. We've never had a truly joint bank account, though we each are named as an accountholder on the other's accounts so that we do have access to each other's money if and when needed. I'm in charge of paying the bills and my husband simply transfers ''his share'' into my account twice a month.

Other couples I know, instead of sharing the expenses proportionately, budget a certain amount of money for each spouse to be the ''mad money'' and each contributes all *but* that amount into a 'household' bank account from which all bills are paid. I do know others who use a ''he pays these bills, she pays those'' system as you are doing. Any of these can work just fine but there has to be an underlying agreement about how and how much each of you is contributing to the economic and social unit that is your family and how those contributions (in $$$ and time) are valued. It sounds like you may not have that, and I think trying to create it by changing how you manage your bills is putting the cart before the horse. I suggest a serious talk with your partner about coordinating your needs, expectations and values FIRST, and the question of who pays how much of what bills from which account should suddenly become much easier to answer. Good luck! Holly