Children in the Wedding Party

2-year-old ring bearer refuses to wear a tux

My 2 year old son is supposed to be a ring bearer (along with another 5 year old cousin) in a wedding. However, we can not seem to get him to even try on the tux. We went to get him fitted and he was screaming and flailing when we tried the jacket and the pants. We couldn't even get them on. He is very particular, in general, about the clothes he wears so this isn't too surprising. Any thoughts on how to possibly get him to wear this tux? Or should we just pull him out of the wedding? Mimi

I want to be careful here to not misunderstand what you are saying, but it is not clear what is more important to you -- for the ring-bearer to be wearing a tuxedo, or for this particular child to be the ring-bearer. It seems like you want the tuxedo, and if you can't have that, someone else altogether.

Also, there is another possibility and it requires your good judgment here. It could very well be that your 2 year old is not ready for this role, regardless of the attire. In this case, you have to find someone else, or just keep the ring on some table, a participant's pocket, etc.

My guess is that you are going to get a lot of responses on this, and I'll leave it at that. anon

Is 2.5 old enough to be a flower girl?

A family member recently asked if our daughter could be the flower girl in their wedding. She'll be 2.5 at the time of the wedding, which will be pretty mellow and in a park. We of course would like for this to happen for the family, but have concerns about it really happening, mainly because she gets shy in front of big groups (while having lots of energy and spunk otherwise). I realize that ultimately it depends on the child, but does anyone have stories of children on the younger end being flower girls, or advice for us before we make the decision? Or strategies for helping this be an experience that is enjoyable and works for all involved (we thought of telling the couple one of us will likely walk with her). to flower or not to flower?

Two months later he was a ring bearer and walked with the flower girl hand-in-hand. Lots of coaching and parents stationed strategically along the way (''Go find Mommy at the front!'') helped.

One parent in back ~ one parent in front ~ and someone else caring for your other kids. Also, be TOTALLY WILLING to have it not happen if she has a meltdown day-of. I would be interested to know if the wedding will be nap time or bed time for her??? Something to consider... ringer bearer mommy

It was part of the ''reader's'' job to walk down the aisle behind the littler kids (his brother and cousin) and scoop them towards the front (the 7yo really wanted to walk down the aisle) and there was hard candy in the groom's pocket that they were ''aiming'' for...

All went well and they were all adorable. Even if they hadn't made it down the aisle, they were all beautifully dressed and had a ball dancing in their fancy clothes and looked great in the pictures.

HOWEVER, these same kids have also been in other weddings that were much more stressful (mostly due to expectations of the BRIDE) and all did not go as well. an unsually mellow bride

It's fun, and if it does not work out, who cares? She'll have a pretty dress, a pretty basket with flowers, and everyone will love her regardless! Go for it. Aunt of the flower girl

When I was about 3, I was a flower girl at my aunt's wedding, and I remember feeling confused. My older sister (4!) did it with me, though, so I just followed her example. Perhaps there could be two flower girls - with the older one probably more capable. R.K.

What a mistake! My sister expected me to pay for the flower girl dress. My niece was very excited and expressed an interest in doing it. Like your daughter, my niece was a pistol in small groups, but got a major case of shyness when it was showtime. Her Mom coaxed her into making it through the rehearsal, and we managed to get photographs for the wedding album, but when it came time for the real thing, she was crying and wouldn't let go of Mommy. My bride had been against it from the start, feeling she would be too young to carry it off. There was no way she was going to have my sister walk down the aisle with my niece, so she was scrubbed from the ceremony at the last minute. As you can imagine, this was one more stressful event on an already stressful day.

My niece is now about to turn 25. She doesn't really remember what happened, and when she saw the photo album, she ''remembered'' that she had been a flower girl. We told her what really happened, and we all laugh about it now. What my niece remembers most is playing endlessly with her ''bride's dress'' until it was in shreds.

If the family member who asked for your daughter to participate is the bride, it might be a different story. If it was anyone else who asked, I think the best course of action would be to decline the honor, since you don't want to add any extra stress to the wedding. 22nd Anniversary Groom

Now, I am on the other side. My sister is getting married in a month and is the best aunt to my daughter (16 months) and my niece (8 months). She wants them to be the 'flower girls' but doesn't want them to repeat history. So her solution was to buy them the cute dresses and a 'ball' of flowers. Their fathers will carry them down the aisle (even though my daughter can walk). The plan is to give them the flower 'ball' right before they go down the aisle so they can be intrigued by it and tear it to shreds all throughout the (short) ceremony. My only concern is that recently if I try to carry my daughter when she wants to walk she ends up being carried like superman or something, trying to get down, so she may end up 'flying' down the aisle, haha. I can't tell you yet how this situation will work out, but it sounds like a good idea to me. I think really you just have to know your daughter and be honest with yourself and the bride-to-be about what you think is the best way to do it. Bridesmaid and Wife of the escort of the flower girl

Are my kids too old to be ring bearer & flower girl?

My kids have been asked to be a FLOWER GIRL & RING BEARER. My daughter will be 9 years old at the time of the wedding (but she's petit for her age.) My son, will be 6 years old. (Again, small for his age.)

Are they too old for flower girl and ring bearer? Or could they pass because of their smaller size? The bride-to-be said they could as a different option, be in the wedding in another capacity. The wedding is on an island, and I believe the ceremony will be on the beach. So, rather informal, I take it.

My kids, especially my daughter, thinks it's a great idea to be flower girl. And of course, I think it would be neat, but don't know the protocol. If they are too old for such positions, what are alternatives? Thank You for any advice! Flower girl/Ring Bearer Mom

I rather doubt your young son much cares what they call him, so really the decision of whether he's a ringbearer or a junior usher/groomsman amounts to whether the bride and groom would like him to carry a ring pillow or not. Holly

Children Not Invited to the Wedding

My husband and toddler are in the wedding, but newborn is banned

I'm due with my second child in mid-February. My husband's younger brother ''David'' is getting married at the beginning of April in a lavishly over-planned wedding in Washington DC. He has asked my husband to be his best man, and my son, who will be barely 3 by then, to be the ring bearer. When we announced that we were pregnant with our second child, David's fiance, ''Anne'', was clearly disturbed and has been dropping hints about the child-less nature of the celebration since.

Without any room for discussion or question, Anne and her family have requested (relayed through David) that our infant-to-be be absent from both the ceremony and reception. This makes me, as a generally attachment-oriented mother, conflicted.I realize that babies are often not welcome at events like this, but as an attachment-oriented mother I'm also concerned about planning on leaving an infant (whose age or needs at the time I don't even know yet!) for what could be a long stretch of time. Anne has already booked a sitter for our room through the hotel's service, against our explicit wishes (we would prefer to use a relative or friend.) Our son, the ring bearer, is apparently welcome at both events, but I'm more nervous about his unpredictability during such an orchestrated event than I am about the baby. I'm also concerned that my husband's role as best man will leave me solely in charge of wrangling my energetic little ring bearer and navigating the particulars of training a sitter, while trying to stay presentable...and disappearing to pump or nurse every hour or so.

I know the event is six months away, but we talk about it almost every day. It is so outside our comfort level to be part of something so ridiculously lavish, and to plan ANYTHING this far in advance, nevermind with a baby on the way. I'd love to hear from other parents if this kind of situation (flight, hotel, wedding, being presentable) is even manageable with a 6-8 week old and older child, as well as any advice you might have for setting up expectations for ring-bearer behavior for our 3-year old, and, finally, some place to find expensive-looking (but not costing) post-partum evening wear if I do go through with this! wacky wedding

As far as young ringbearers...we had my other nieces and nephews in the wedding...3.2 yo flower girl, 4.5 yo ring bearer and 7.4 yo ''reader.'' We did a few things:

1. No expectations that they would ''perform'' perfectly...whatever happened happened (yet they were great)

2. My husband had a little candy in his pocket that they got when they made it down the aisle (candy=target)

3. All three of them went down together...it was part of my oldest nephews ''job'' to help the little ones down the aisle..the pictures are hilarious as you see him herding them (we were outside...so it wasn't a perfectly formed aisle as you would have in a church)

4. My little niece knew she could stand up front with her mom and me, or go sit with her dad (he was on the aisle in the second row) or grandparents (very easy to reach); my little nephew had the same set up (Mom was up front as MOH) and Dad was on aisle across for other Dad. My older nephew ended up standing at the end of the line of groomsmen (there were only 2 of them...so he made 3)...which we hadn't intended, but was great how it worked out

Oh, also I went to a wedding while nursing my little one (though he was invited to wedding and reception). We opted to leave the kids at the hotel for the wedding since it was a full Catholic mass (my husband's parents kindly came with us as they lived nearby to watch the kids during the ceremony). Unfortunately, I made a bad choice on my dress...no front buttons or zip and tightish fitting waist...so I had to go upstairs (reception was at the hotel where we stayed) and take the whole thing off to nurse my son. So, would recommend dress you don't have to fully remove! Would also recommend staying as close to reception as possible so you can just go nurse and not have to deal with pumping too (though I had to do that at another wedding where my older son was not invited; had to pump in a portable bathroom; yuck!!! had to pump and dump; boy did I hate wasting milk like that!!)

I don't know if any of these ideas will help; sorry to have all this stress. Personally, I have no idea why people exclude children from weddings...they should be a celebration of life, including kids...but due to costs, I guess, they choose to have more people of the ''grown up'' kind.

Good luck! Try not to stress too much, it is only one day. Also, try to get the idea across to your soon to be SIL... it is ok for things to go wrong at a wedding; that is where you get your funny stories...if everything is storybook perfect, great pics, but no funny stories! Nikki

First i would call ''anne'', and thank her for being such a caring aunt who booked a siter (never mind you said no to that) but that, you are not comfortable leaving an infant with a complete stranger. I am not over-protective and i would never leave an infant with a hotel baby sitter..you never know who the company is going to send and at that age it's just too dangerous. Clearly she doesn't see that, and like most brides she is completely self centered. But rather than inviting a confrontation (that will only create issues at this point because she won't hear it), i would just do the above thing. Second, i would think about what YOU, as the mom, are comfortable with. Now that i am a mom i realize that my first allegiance is to my kid, not relatives. I don't think it's my job to satisy everyone's needs for this and that...just make sure my kids are all good. Maybe you could figure out where the wedding is, and hire a relative or someone you know to stay nearby so that you have constant acces to the baby without anyone really seeing him/her? When at the church this person could walk the baby around.

I would call my brother and say i am happy for his wedding but completely stressed out because so many aspects are unknown in advance with a baby.

I would appoint an aunt/cousin (someone not involved other than as a guest) to keep an eye on your older one with you. It will make it easier for you. And then if at the last minute you don't feel like leaving your baby, have the sitter walk the baby around during the ceremony then leave.

It is very sad when people make weddings into a production and want it ''perfect''...because of course life isn't perfect. Clearly Anne has no clue about kids. Usually people include babies and not kids because they are more disturbing. Oh and if you have a nice MIL or relative who leaves here and whom you can afford to fly that's a great solution..that way you get help all the way Try to accomodate what you can but keep your eyes on what matters anon

I cannot believe how aggravated you are about it all. The only irritating thing I see is that the wife-to-be is bothered by your having a baby at the wedding and reception. If you really want to attend this wedding, here is what I would recommend. Tell wife-to-be that you will have a newborn and that the newborn will not be able to be in the hotel with the hired sitter. (no wavering or waffling here-the baby has needs to be fed by mom often and you are not comfortable leaving baby with a stranger) If she has a problem with it, then don't go. Then your husband can deal with the 3 yrs old ring bearer and any fiascos that occur with that. Families being together at a celebration don't have to be perfect---as a matter of fact if the ring bearer does something like drop the ring or run away crying,,,,,everyone will live,,,,and it will be a very cute story in your family for years to come. Wife-to-be will learn all about imperfection once she is married a few years and has a baby. I hope you can relax a bit about this. Weddings are supposed to be fun and if there is not way it can be any fun for you I really think you and baby should stay home.... breathe in, breathe out

At 6-8 weeks, you're still recovering. You're not getting any sleep. I'm not sure you'll be up for a big party.

I'd recommend that you send your husband and son. Have another relative be in charge of your son during the ceremony so that your husband can be the best man. It's a family wedding so there should be someone available to help (maybe a teenage relative?).

Believe it or not, you'll probably get more rest with the 3 year old out of the house even though you won't have your husband to help out. Or you could even have a relative come and help you during that time.

I know that a wedding is a special day and the bride and groom should decide who they want to attend. But that doesn't mean you have to attend. Graciously bow out saying it will be too much with the infant, but the rest of the family will attend. Liz

2. It's the norm that babies don't attend weddings and it's hard to imagine a few hours away from the baby will cause any harm whatsoever even if you are attachment parenting.

3. You need to recognize that being pregnant affects how you react to things. It happens to the best of us but that's why you need to get some perspective here. This wedding is a once in a lifetime thing for your brother-in-law and fiance. Family needs to be supportive.

4. You have every right to choose the babysitter but recognize that the bride was being kind to find someone. It's more than most people would have done. If you want someone else, get someone else. Once you have, thank her for arranging a sitter but let her know she can cancel it since you have someone else. Also, if the reception is at a hotel, you could easily have the sitter keep the baby in a room at the hotel so you could go up and see the baby during the reception. You would only be away from the baby completely during the wedding itself. Surely, some family members will have a room at the hotel you could use or you could just get a day rate from the hotel.

5. If you need help with the 3-year old at the wedding/reception, ask family. They are all going to be there. I would think Grandma would be thrilled to help.

6. Finally, it's really hard to be the bride. Cut her some slack as she's under a lot of pressure. You don't want to be watching the wedding video next year, hearing your baby crying in the background ruining it. That'll stick for a long time. Your post reads like you are using "attachment parenting" as an excuse to express your judgment of their choices about their wedding. Perhaps that isn't the case but solving this is pretty easy if you put a little effort into it. my two cents

Suggestions for 1: I was recently at my brother-in law's wedding w/ 3 young kids, and my husband was best man. Yes, it was challenging. Thus, I reached out to express my concerns in advance and get help. in this case, my sister in law and mother in law helped out a lot. i.e. get another family member to help w/ your older son as ring bearer during the ceremony. Practice it in advance together at the rehearsal. Also, ask hubby to curtail his best man duties somewhat in order to assist you too. If people know in advance, planning can be done to assist you.

Suggestions for 2: Throughout your post it is amply evident that you resent your sister in law's choice of wedding style/rules. But that is her choice and kiddy-free weddings are around more often than we want. Yes, it's different from what we would choose but still it's her day, her wedding, her life. If they're funding it and not asking you to fund it, then that's their business/choice and it's important that you respect their choice too. Otherwise, you'll be resentful/angry at the wedding and that causes rifts later on for what's going to be, hopefully, a long-term family relationship. Best, Cassy Cassy

As a husband, I wonder: where is your husband in all of this? He needs to advocate for you all the time when it comes to his family and their dramas and expectations.

It sounds highly risky to try to accommodate such unreasonable expectations. You and your husband need to decide what is doable, and sane for you given what you'll be dealing with then. In and of itself, traveling with an infant can be challenging but is doable. But if you'll be dealing with such highly-controlled expectations on the other end, you are better off staying home, or at the hotel if you decide to go. Your husband will need to decide if the whole stress of this on you both is worth the highly scripted expectations put on him and his own family -- this is a no-brainer!

Get your husband to talk to his brother and try to get him to realize that life will not stop for anyone just because they want a machine-precision wedding. If his brother starts seeing that it needs to be a negotiation and not a mandate, it might be doable that you will go with the baby and figure out what works best for you for the ceremony, and reception. Nel

I don't really think flying with such a young child will be a problem. Although it can cause some nasty ear infections post flight (which would not be fun to deal with in DC) and will doubtless be extremely stressful for you.

If they REALLY want your son to be ring bearer (which they only want because it would be 'cute', not because they want your son) then I would say it would make most sense for just your husband and son to go. Yes then your husband would have to look after your son. Putting things this way might actually make your husband stand up for your wishes more, as it seems to me he's not taking any responsiblity. Even if you do go he'll have to look after your 3 yr old most of the time as you'll be feeding etc.

Whatever you do there will be upset or resentment on one or both sides. But you really don't need more stress at this point in your life. Good luck Weddings mean little in comparison to a new child

So the deal is they can have all four of you, or they can have two of you (with awareness of need for someone to suprvise the ring bearer). Once they meet the infant, and if the infant is a quiet calm one, they may realize that as long as the baby is feeding or sleeping, it will not have much impact at the ceremony. They should not expect you, even if you do attend, to be the one coralling the 3 year old, as you will be busy keeping the infant content. If you do attend the wedding, just sit near the back so that you can make a quick exit, if needed.

I found 2 piece outfits to be easier than dresses while nursing. You could get a loose fitting washable top and an elegant washable skirt. Bring a back-up outfit with you in case the baby has a diaper accident or spits up. Also, bring a couple of way cute washable outfits for the baby, in case the oh-so-adult couple ends up letting the bundle of love attend. Here is one web page for well-desinged maternity stuff. I bought a dress form these folks years ago, and many of my friends got great use out of it at many fancy events. Sorry I don't have it anymore to give to you! Anon

My suggestion is to go ahead and make the trip but plan to stay out of the picture, in the background, rather than sitting in the pews or at the dinner table. In Catholic churches there is often a ''cry room'' where moms and young kids are able to (expected to) go. If no cry room, look for a similar room that is nearby, but not in everyone's line of sight/hearing. You will undoubtedly be able to find a church/hotel staff member to help you with this. Bring toys for the toddler. Frankly, this is where you would end up even if the kids were invited - toddlers can't sit still long enough to go through all the endless rituals of a wedding ceremony and reception. And newborn behavior is impossible to predict, as you said!

As for the ringbearer duties, recruit a baby-friendly relative to hang out with you in the adjacent room during the ceremony. You will almost certainly end up accompanying your son through his ringbearer duties unless he is an unusually brave and extraverted kid. (Warn your SIL.) Leave the newborn with your relative for those 5 min of the ceremony, then head on out (past the pews) to your campsite in the adjacent room. Then all 3 of you can relax.

The advantage of making your own ''kids' room'' is that your son can still participate as the ringbearer to some degree, your family can still be officially in attendance at your brother-in-law's wedding, be in the pictures, etc., and when your husband has a free moment re: his best-man duties he can take one of the kids off your hands and show him/her off to relatives. (Which is what family weddings are about anyway! Or should be!) But for the rest of the time you can kick back out of sight, breastfeed, watch your son play around on the couches in the hotel's adjacent room, and not be anxious about whether your kids are ''too much'' for such a wedding and whether your new sister-in-law is unhappy. Don't be surprised if other parents of young ones join you with great relief - this has happened to me at several weddings! ''Nursing rooms'' and ''running-around rooms'' ALWAYS crop up when there are kids at weddings, whether the bride and groom planned them or not. (P.S. Choose a dress you can nurse in without having to take the whole thing off!) Good luck!

I would have a conversation with your pediatrician that goes like this: You: We are supposed to go to a wedding on the East Coast when the baby is about a month old. Do you think it is a great idea to take the baby on the plane and then to a wedding surrounded by a bunch of people when s/he is that young? Doctor: No, it isn't a great idea. (Also, depending on how you want to play it, you might add something about son flying, given it is the height of the flu season and with swine flu going around.)

Then move on to the conversation your husband has with his brother: Husband: We talked to the pediatrician and s/he doesn't think it is a great idea for the baby to come to the East coast for the wedding. Of course that means wife and son will not be able to go either. We just wanted to give you time to find another ring bearer if you wanted one. Brother: But we were counting on son! Husband: I know you wanted him as a ring bearer, but I won't be able to both watch him and be there for you so we wanted to let you know in plenty of time to find someone else.

If it is important to your husband, he can bring your son, but make sure that his brother knows that it will likely be a disaster without you there. Presumably at the wedding and reception there will be family and friends who can watch him, but unless it really matters to your husband, I wouldn't send the boy either. Sounds like a nightmare

I don't know about your child, but we tried to have my 3 Y.O. son perform the ring- bearing function at a wedding and I'll tell you who ended up being the ring- bearer.....my husband!

So, as far as the hired babysitter, just say ''thank you.'' She can sit in the hallway if you have no use for her. As far as the other stuff, if you need to excuse yourself to go breastfeed and keep your mind at ease, go do that. Go for hours. Bridezilla will be so wrapped up in her event, she will not even notice you are gone. My $.02

That being said, we took my daughter to a wedding when she was 6 weeks old. At that age they are so portable! My husband or I had her in a baby bjorn the whole time and it went swimmingly. It was a formal affair (at Auberge du Soleil) but no one minded and everyone gushed over her in fact (we dressed her in a cute dress for the few minutes she was out of the carrier). She basically just hung out or nursed periodically and was content. When the band played, I hung out in a different room so she wouldn't be exposed to loud music. People came out and visited with me at their leisure. I gave the bride complete carte blanche in advance that I wouldn't be at all offended if she didn't want the baby there, but that meant I couldn't come, and my hubby would go on his own (he was the closer friend of the couple.) The bride was very classy about it and said if we thought we could handle it, she was happy to have us. I was fully prepared to pull the rip cord at any time if I felt the baby or I was in an uncomfortable situation, or making anyone else uncomfortable, but I had a nice time, and we stayed all the way through to the end. We did bring a bassinet/pram thing to put her in but didn't end up using it--she far preferred the carrier on one of our chests.

As for the situation on the babysitter, I think a helper would be a great idea, but I'd actually think more for the 3 yo. If it is possible, I would hire someone to be in a room next door to the wedding for him to be able to go take a break or get some quiet playing in. She could obviously also help with the baby too if you needed it. Personally that would be a lot more helpful to me then a stranger sitting in a remote hotel room watching a baby I would have to keep running back to every hour or two. And I'm with you--if it is someone you know or even came recommended by someone you know I might trust them more then a hotel provided sitter. Good luck!! Baby wearing guest

Oh, and down the line when ''David'' and ''Mrs. David'' have children of their own, they will finally understand. Until then, I wouldn't expect them to really get it. good luck the wedding planner

As far as a sitter...I've been there...no kids, infant or not. You can choose who babysits your kids...you're the mother. Ive used hotel sitters in the past and it's been fine...they don't go anywhere and I think they have to pass a CPR/baby sitting certification (maybe not all places are particular like that...check). It's probably fine to leave your infant for an evening with a sitter. Can you express milk? Leave formula? It's hard to leave them, but they'll most likely be fine with an experienced person. good luck...I hope you have fun. anon mom

That said, the bride is crazy (really just inexperienced with kids) to think that the newborn (who will frankly be in a sling dozing the whole time, or you can easily take out of the room if s/he's crying) will be more disruptive to the wedding than a 3 year old! It is indeed unreasonable to leave a newborn in a hotel room with a stranger for 6 or more hours for the wedding.

If it were me, I'd tell the brother and future sister in law: ''it means the world to us to be at your wedding. We are thrilled to have husband and 3 year old in the wedding party. But, we just can't leave a tiny exclusively breastfeeding baby with an unknown sitter for many hours. If you permit the baby to come, we will ensure that s/he is not disruptive, and we will be very appreciative. If not, I'm afraid only husband and 3 year old will be able to attend.''

And then you stick with that plan. If baby remains banished, send your husband and 3 year old on the plane, and have a quiet weekend at home with the baby. It will save you a lot of money and stress, and then your family didn't just skip the wedding altogether. But hopefully the bride will come around and this won't cause a huge rift in your family! love family weddings

If it was me and the wedding wasn't family I would respect their wish for no kids and just not go ( it being out of town and having such a young baby). If it was family I'd expect them to accommodate me or deal with my absence.

we are invited to an out of town wedding next month. When we asked if kids could come and they said not really then we chose for just my husband to go. I'm not traveling to a far away place to leave my kids with a sitter. Most weddings I've been to locals are often asked to leave kids at home but people from out of town usually get to bring their kids. I think that's fair. I know that it's hard for people who don't have kids to truly comprehend these situations but I think you guys should outline what your willing and not willing to do and don't be forced into something you are not comfortable doing.

as a side note I traveled half way across the world with a one year old to my sisters wedding a few years ago against my better judgment(different issue than yours), but I thought it was the right thing to do. Had a big blowout argument with her there and haven't spoken to her since! So going isn't always the right answer.

In terms of setting expectations for the 3 year olds behaviour: I've seen many a young kid flunk at their wedding ''duties'' so have your hubby raise this - and think of alternative (maybe your hubby can walk down the ailse with you son etc) if necessary or you may need to take the 3 year old out of the cermony for a break - prepare them for all of these scenarios. And probably offer them the option that he not be a ring bearer if they are uncomfortable with the unpredictable nature of a 3 year old. Receptions are usually fairly noisy affairs so a 3 year old should not be a problem then! brides suck!

Think of it as a big party you get to dress up for. Being with a babysitter for one night isn't going to hurt the kids, just get someone you trust. Relax and enjoy the wedding! Don't be so critical :) - Mom with three kids who has been there and done that

If you feel you must go, I would use your choice of babysitter (if you go that route), or hang out with the baby near an exit door so you can quickly escape if necessary. All eyes will be on the bride and groom, so no one will notice anyway. You can ask a relative to watch your son, if your husband is too busy with best man duties. Good luck!

The only comfort I can offer is that we recently went to a wedding, paid an arm and a leg to stay at the reception venue and hired a concierge/hotel sitter. The sitter was amazing and my kids loved her. She was with us for a bit at the reception then I put the kids down upstairs and was back in no time. Having the kids just upstairs also made it easy to slip away and get back quickly. So the hotel sitter could be great but you need to do what YOU are comfortable with. Another thing you need to figure out is if this is a deal breaker for you guys. I know it's a tough card to play but be very honest with yourselves and your family situation to be and what your needs will be. Best out come it might snap the bride and groom out of their funk. Try to focus on the good, your new baby and your expanding family, to help you not to get too bogged down resolving the problems. Best wishes! For every formal occasion I attended pregnant and postpartum I bought normal clothes and can still use them. Stretchy, Empire Waist cuts are your best friends. Lots of cloth on the bottom for flow and coverage of the middle. Stretch usually allows you to nurse with almost any neckline. Even better if it has a cross top, easy nursing. Online shopping is your best friend. Family First

It is pretty clear from your message that you don't want to go, so don't. But don't try to make your husband miss his brother's wedding. That would be selfish and awful. I'm sure everyone would be much less stressed if you just sat this one out. And stop talking about it every day - I bet your husband is feeling pretty bad about something that should be a celebration in his family. You should support him and drop the complaints.

If you do go, please decide to do so with an open heart and try to figure out how to enjoy this lavish celebration. Loves a party (especially a lavish one on someone else's dime)

That said - why don't you let your husband go to the wedding and you stay home with the kids. This doesn't sound like a situation that is going to be comfortable for you. You are six-months out and have determined, rightly or wrongly, that the situation will be miserable and the bride-to-be is a first cousin to Cruella Deville. I find in my own life that I reap what I sow. If you aren't open to enjoying the wedding now, I can guarantee it is going to live down to every belief that you have of it. As the cheesy posters say, 'attitude is everything.'

I traveled to 2 weddings when my eldest was 3 & 5 months old. During the 1st wedding, I took her to the ceremony and headed outside after a few minutes due to 'infant screaming at the top of her lungs for no apparent reason' syndrome. I had already scheduled a babysitter for the reception. The 2nd time, the event was 'adults' only so I respected the wishes and left her with a babysitter for ceremony/reception. During both receptions, I checked in via phone and did pop over to nurse.

I had a blast at these weddings. I lean toward 'attachment style' parenting, but I also love a good party and I love some 'me without my children' time.

If you do decide to go to the wedding, check Bloomingdale's. Their sale rack on dresses saved my life. I never spent more than $75. Don't stress about the season. Throw a shawl on if need be. And answer every question about your dress with, 'I am just so bored with black...you know how DC fashion is so conservative.' Everyone will agree with you and it will probably start a fun conversation. Also, thank Cruella's cousin profusely, but find your own babysitter if it makes you more comfortable.

Finally, keep in mind that you are about to have some new family. When she is wandering around in sweats with vomit on her shoulder, she may have a better understanding of you. At this point, she probably has similar feelings for you as you have for her. -anon

Yes, the 3 year old will probably be more trouble - the best would be to have a relative be at the reception to help you. Is the reception at the hotel where you are staying? That would be good because then you can make a quick plan of escape.

You know best as Mommy - she can get you a babysitter and try to control your parenting, but it's not happening. Mommy knows best

So, if you feel your son might freak at being some place so new with all those strangers looking at him, you should let the couple know. Lastly, I would not be very keen on leaving my 8 week old baby with a stranger at a hotel. And you guys discuss this wedding every day? No wonder you're going nuts!!!! You have my sympathy.

Here's what I did when my husband's best friend got married in Spain: we went to the service and one of us (probably you will have to) sat in the back where we could make an exit in case our son got bored. We went to the reception and I ate a little, and then I went up to the hotel room with our son and crashed. My husband was fine staying at the reception by himself (since a lot of his friends were there) and our friend was totally understanding and o.k. with me leaving early.

Unless your husband can't be around his family by himself, you can easily just leave with all the kids when you're ready. Put them to bed and order room service. I can't imagine that anyone would not understand. Let the couple have their special day. been there done that

Ok, if you are going to have a 6-8 week old baby at the time and that baby is not invited to the wedding? don't go. Just send your husband. Your 3 year old should not go either, unless your husband can handle the 3y/o on his own. 3 years old is too young to be a very successful ring bearer, anyway. I'm serious!! It is not your brother.

This may sound harsh but I think in the interest of YOUR mental health, this is how it should go. First of all, if the baby is NOT invited, then your 3 year old should NOT be invited either. But you can't do anything about that, this is just a weird thing they've chosen to do (in my opinion). You can approach the subject in a very kind, matter of fact way. Just say that you understand their wish to not have children at the event, that you do not feel comfortable leaving a baby so young with a sitter, and you are terribly sorry to miss the wedding but you will have to decline.

I'm thinking that saving your sanity, your plane ticket cost, etc is worth it. Hey, if your husband goes by himself maybe he can stay with relatives and not even need a hotel? cha-ching. That's saving enough money right there that you can hire some help while your DH is gone. Or maybe your parents can come visit (if they are not in town?) during that time to see the precious new baby and help you out.

I think that the bride and groom, once they have kids, will really regret their decision to not invite the baby but WHATEVER. They can do it how they want -- it's their wedding -- and you need to make your own, healthy choices FOR YOU based on that.

Sending you a **big hug** as these situations in families are never easy!! momma bear, protecting my cubs

1. Your soon-to-be sister in law can't control what a toddler does during a wedding ceremony. She has to know going in that the toddler can have every good intention, but what actually happens on the day is totally out of her control. 3 is very young and many toddlers will feel intimidated by the audience as well as they are usually experimenting with their rights to their own opinion. I had my two nephews as ring bearers at my wedding one was 4 and one was six. They were so excited before hand. At the actual moment when they were supposed to walk down the aisle, the 4 year old wouldn't go. It turned out that my brother in law had to walk with them. For me that was fine and it created a cute family moment during the ceremony. My wedding was also small and personal (only about 50 people). She just needs to know that no matter what she does, it is really up to the toddler as to how it plays out.

2. Possibly the sister in law doesn't know the behaviors of a new born. I have attended weddings when my fiends have brought their newborns and most people didn't even realize that there was a baby in the room. They can sleep through most noise and with relatives around you can utilize extra arms for holding. I think that if you don't want to use a babysitter, you should just tell her that if you can't bring the baby, you won't be attending. It is completely up to you. If you decide to attend, ask around for loaner dresses from friends. I am sure you can find one. Good luck! Anon

First, my opinion: it is incredibly rude to ask you to not bring your (probably less than 2-month old) baby to a wedding when you are a) family b) flying across the country to attend & c) they are asking the rest of your family to be IN the wedding. I would be furious if I were in your shoes, and, to be honest, might not attend under those circumstances.

Second, my experience: My husband & I did go to a wedding in Bend, OR when our son was 5 weeks old. We drove. I was a bridesmaid & I carried my son down the aisle with me. My husband took care of our son for about 2-3 hours before the wedding so I could get dressed with the bride & he made sure he was tanked up & changed before the ceremony.

This bride, however, sounds like the polar opposite of the one in the wedding you're attending: the whole wedding was *totally* family friendly & she told me she hoped I would carry my son in the wedding & that at some point he would fuss & I would nurse him :) He did actually fuss just a bit & then made a HUGE poop :) I wish you all the best navigating this, Kendra

[Your name] and I are really looking forward to your wedding. I am honored and excited to be by your side as your best man, and we're both looking forward to welcoming [Bridezilla] into the family. It's going to be beautiful occasion. We can tell [Bridezilla] is working hard to make everything perfect. That's why we're getting worried about the idea of [our son] being a ring-bearer. I know he'd look really cute, and we are touched that he was invited, but he will be barely 3 years old and I just don't think he can be counted on to do what he's told in an unknown environment with a bunch of strangers staring at him. Chances are he'd bolt, or start crying. Plus he can't really sit still very long, and we don't want him distracting from the moment when the two of you are exchanging vows. So, we've talked it over and we think it best for [your name] and the kids to skip the ceremony and just come to the reception. At this point the kids will be much less of a distraction, and we will feel much more comfortable having them there with us, particularly the baby, who needs to feed regularly. I know this is mainly an adult event, but I'm sure everyone will understand that you made an exception for your best man and his 8-week-old baby. That way [your name] and the kids will be able to join in at least part of the celebration, then head up to the room when it's bedtime. I hope you understand. If for any reason this seems impossible to you and [Bridezilla], then it would probably be best for [your name] and the kids to stay home in CA.

I think the family is asking a lot of a family with a new little one, and perhaps you have allowed the situation to become a little unrealistic. Now is the time to address the issue squarely with them, and just say that you realize you will be an exhausted new mommy and that though you would LOVE to be there, the timing is really unfortunate and that you simply cannot attend. This avoids the situation where they have to ''make accommodations'' (and then feel self-righteous), and where you have to overextend yourself (and then back out at the last minute, or crumple mid-stream).

I once flew all the way to the east coast alone with my 8 month old daughter for my cousin's wedding, only to discover then that I wouldn't be allowed into the ceremony with her (they had hired a sitter and didn't tell me in advance)--I was appalled. At least they have given you some warning, even though it doesn't seem very kind of them to exclude your baby. Yours is not to judge, however--but you do get to decide whether or not to attend.

I'm sorry you're in this spot--if I were you, i would think seriously about staying home. Elizabeth

1. no 3 yr old should be in a wedding. He may be excited, he may do great in rehearsal but come time for this very formal ceremony he will freeze, not perform as expected and all these people will be waving at him to come down or someone will end up walking him down or picking him up. Just happened at a wedding I went to with the 3 yr old flower girl.

2. They don't want kids at the wedding but they want a 3 yr old in the wedding. They can't have it both ways.

3. My suggestion, you and the kids stay home and your husband goes alone.

4. If they aren't happy with that, then tell them your terms to attend. During my son's first 2 years all of our siblings married (4 weddings, 4 plane rides, 4 outfits)I was in 2 of the weddings and I'm happy to say he was invited to all of them. The hardest thing for me was to find a dress I could nurse in and also stand up as my sister's best. Best of luck. And don't make this consume your lives and the joy of the new baby. If they are that nuts about ''how it looks'', they have lost the meaning of the event, the celebration and gathering of family. anon

1) Plan to miss the ceremony and stay with my baby. Leaving a stranger with a nursing newborn sounds like a real pain, unless this ceremony will be so meaningful to you that you would be eternally heartbroken to have missed it (which sounds like it might not be the case).

2) Push to attend the reception with baby. The baby will only be about two months old then -- at this age they are very portable and will sleep hours in a sling. While a crying baby would certainly disrupt the ceremony, I don't think they would disrupt a much noisier reception. And a two month old is much lower impact than an eight month old or a toddler, as far as attending adult events like this.

3) Line up a very responsible family member to be in charge of your ring bearer during the ceremony -- grandma or auntie who can really handle it -- and make sure your BIL and SIL truly understand that three-year-olds are not likely to be very reliable in this role, and that BIL and SIL won't freak out if it flops.

As an alternative, you would be pretty justified in skipping the whole event, given that it's a long trip to make with a young baby. But in my experience that's an easy age to travel with them, and presumably there will be lots of family there who will be excited to meet the new arrival, and will hopefully help out. Sympathetic

For what it's worth, I went to a few weddings after my son was born and only had to pump every few hours and surprisingly was able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. Wait until after your baby is born and figure out something to wear. Please don't give it a second of your time right now. I've also been in a wedding with a newborn and a 2 year old toddler. Both of them were welcome at the wedding, but it would have been a lot more easy (and fun) for me to spend the five hours with them at a sitter's home! There are so many other things that you can think about in the next six months. Don't let this consume you. anon

Only someone who has no kids would tell you it won't kill a newborn to be watched by a random, unknown, hotel babysitter. People spend a lot of time checking/approving of caregivers and in particular with a newborn it is critical. It's not the same to watch a 4 year old or a newborn. And it's simply beyond self- centered to not allow a breastfeeding, 6 week old newborn to stay with his mother.

Do what you have to do for your kids. I would just send my husband and 3 years old. He will feel special for going and you will get a break. That way there will be no stress for you. anon

(1) Please don't judge their choices for having a fancy wedding. Its their day, and its their vision of making it special. Try to see that they are just trying to make the day magical in the way that they know how.

(2) The bride is very likely to not understand how her request to not include your baby is impacting you. I know this from experience -- we asked for our wedding to be childfree (and my husband and I are miles away from ''bridezilla'' types). We just wanted an adult event where we could all really TALK and focus on each other. Our friends who had children told us how that impacted them, and we changed our plan and invited the kids. Now that we have kids, we have a fuller understanding of what it meant to request that people not bring kids (and it feels bizarre that we ever wanted to exclude kids). But we were different people then, and we didn't understand (and I believe that we were, and are, sensitive, loving, thoughtful people).

(3) Don't make this a fight -- try to change your hostile stance. You don't need to ''put your foot down''. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Trust that she will understand if you explain to her --without judging her choices or desires -- the impact on you of leaving your baby. Tell her you really want her to have the day of her dreams, but that it would be very difficult for you to leave the baby. Let her know that you have thought of a solution: by promising the baby will not disrupt the ceremony. Make sure that she understands that you really care about her experience on that day. Her wedding day is likely the most profound day that she will have ever experienced -- and it will be until she has her first child. Try to remember how important that day is, and come to her with the spirit of someone who cares. Treat her with the respect and understanding that you hope to receive

Children not Invited to out-of-town Family Wedding

My niece is getting married in suburban New York in Sept. Enthusiastic about attending another family wedding with our 3 and 5 year old girls (my husband's brother was married last year and we and the girls had a ball at his wedding) and also about visiting NYC where my husband and I lived for over a decade, we made plans to attend - plane tickets, hotel reservations (through Expedia so not refundable). Now we find out that the children are not invited - via e-mail my sister indicated that only older children were invited as it is an evening (6:15) wedding. I replied to her and her daughter that we were looking forward to attending the ceremony, but would be unable to attend the reception as the children would be with us. My neice really wants my husband and I to ''boogie'' with her and asked her mother to line up a sitter. Well, my sister did that but indicated that the children would be sequestered in the women's locker room for the duration of the reception (clearly she does not like little children!!).

My husband and I don't feel right about it and I can't promise that they won't find a way to the reception - they love to dance - which would clearly be disruptive to my sister. I am leaning toward our previous plan of just going to the ceremony, but I would also like to go the reception... Any good ideas out there. A Torn Mother/Sister

In our case, my husband's brother-in-law was having a ''no kids'' wedding and reception. When my mother-in-law informed me of this, I told her that of course I respected the couple's request, but they had to understand that I would not be traveling 3000 miles to the wedding, just so our 5yearold and 21-month old could spend the time with an unknown babysitter. They had to respect our choice, as well.

As it turned out, my husband and 5 year old attended the wedding, and the baby & I stayed home. (My MIL made a special request that our 5yo attend, and the bride/groom agreed... As it turned out, she was THE YOUNGEST attendee, but was *very* well behaved, and everyone had a wonderful time.)

In the end, this was the best solution. You may be disappointed at not ''boogie''ing with your niece, but you have to consider your children and their feelings/situation. Good luck. anon

But after I had kids, I viewed marriage as a ''life ritual'' that of course children ought to be a part of. I mistakenly assumed my children were always invited to anything I was invited to, even if their names were not on the invitation! I thought it was touching when a child injected a little noise into the ceremony, (although I would stand with mine in the back and take them out if they made noise.) But I thought it was inconsiderate of friends and family members to have a wedding and not invite the kids, considering how big a part of my life they were.

But when my kids got older, I began to appreciate the fun of going to an adult party without the kids. After all, a lot of weddings are really just big parties for grownups to have fun and celebrate the marriage. I love going to a wedding where I get to dress up, do a little dancing, etc. and how much fun am I going to have if I have to spend the whole time keeping the baby out of the cake? So now I only take the kids if they are explicitly invited and it's the wedding of someone they are close to and it's important for the bride/groom that they be there. Otherwise I treat it as an adult party. I have been to weddings where even though kids are invited, people leave theirs at home anyway so they can have an adult day/evening out. Also it occurs to me that a couple of really cute little girls in party dresses might steal the thunder from the bride a little bit, so that might be another reason to not bring them.

Therefore, I would say, use the sitter, go without the kids and have fun! Do you have a cell phone or beeper so you can tell them (or the sitter) to call if they need to talk to you while you're at the reception? Line up some special activities for them - maybe bring some new arts&crafts supplies or some other activity they can do anywhere (even the women's locker room.) They'll be fine. Ginger

Anyway, having just gone through the whole thing last year, I have to admit that I, too, didn't want small children at my ceremony. It's not because I don't love them - I do very much - but there are some events that are just not appropriate for small children, and I felt that the children wouldn't be comfortable, and the guests might not be comfortable around them, either.

It sounds like you aren't angry with her, and that's good - I would hate to see bad feelings like that spoil her wedding day. I guess the thing to remember, now, is that this is her and her husband's day, and to respect their wishes - without judgement - would be the best thing for everyone. Getting a babysitter for the evening would be money well-spent, and everyone will be more at ease. Hope this helps... Kristen

It was incredibly inconsiderate of your niece and her mother to let you make reservations before explaining the policy about kids -- that info should have been on the invitation. And ideally, your niece would recognize the inconvenience she is causing her guests, and relax the rules. At minimum, they should help you find a suitable location for the sitter to watch your children -- your hotel room? your sister's house? Any of these solutions would be better than you having to attend alone, and you could tell them so if you like, but it won't change the fact that you WANT to be there. If you''d regret missing it, then it's best not to stir things up now. Anon

Sure, it's a drag, and you wish your sister were more open-minded. But it will really be more fun for everyone if you comply with the bride's wishes.

We took our kids (then 8 and 11) cross-country to their cousin's wedding and were a bit miffed that they weren't invited to the evening party, even though some other young nephews were invited. They enjoyed the ceremony, were babysat in the evening, and don't remember being excluded at all. OK so I remember occasionally, but it's not big. Good luck M.S.

This is not a personal affront to you and your husband or to your children. In fact, the bride and groom may be thinking some parents would like a night out without their kids (many parents at our wedding took the evening as an opportunity for a romantic get away for the night). I also don't think the decision has anything to do with anyone's feelings toward children. Instead, it sounds like this is the arrangement that works best for the bride and groom, and that's who this is all about. If it was articulated to you that your kids would be sequestered, please try to remember that wedding planning is stressful and can make people act funny.

I say go, make the trip and use the sitter. Lining up the sitter demonstrates how much your neice wants you there. If you make the trip special and don't make a big deal about them not being able to go, then the kids will be fine with it. In addition, try to arrange some time with family members before and after the wedding so the little ones can be with their relatives.

Incidentally, I struggled with the same issue a year ago when planning my wedding. We wouldn't say no kids at all because my husband has two daughters and because we LOVE kids. I asked my 2 1/2 year old neice to be my flower girl. She did and stole the show. But guess what? After the ceremony, she went off with the sitter, who also took my maid of honor's one year old and 5 year old. No one worried about melt downs and the kids had a good time. Have fun! Anon

Ettiquette dictates that a wedding invitation should list all invitees. So if your chidren's names were not on the invitation, they were not invited. I don't think you can fault your niece for that. I have never seen a wedding invitation that says explicitly ''no kids.'' I think THAT would be poor etiquette.

I'm a mom now and I generally don't plan to bring my child to weddings. You can't depend on a child aged 3 to be quiet during a ceremony, or hold still during a sit-down dinner. Perhaps the child would enjoy the dancing, but my experience has been that the music is generally too loud and the dance floor too crowded for their safety.

Enjoy the grown-up only event as a grown-up and don't be mean to the bride about your own dissatisfactions. It's not about you or your kids, and she has enough to worry about. mom

Incidentally, I was surprised how many parents have volunteered to leave their young ones at home in favor of a date night out. A bride and groom who could care less about being upstaged!

First of all, we are talking of a wedding, not a business luncheon. It is a family gathering, because a new person gets admitted to your family; two families get together to become one extended family. There is no way children can be deliberately excluded!

Are we talking about inconvenience? Children making noises during the ceremony? What about the elderly people with shaky hands or relatives whose wheelchair makes unpleasant noises? Would you exclude them too? A little girl stealing attention from the bride? You people watch too much TV! It's not about images, for heaven's sake - the meaning and beauty of a wedding is way more profound than this.

It is just crazy to commercialize everything in the popular culture. Children are not property or pets, and so it is profoundly wrong to ever say ''no chilren allowed''. Not at a family celebration! You don't make them a part of your family life now, and you'll find yourself in a retirement place, not a home when they make their choices later. They'll discard you then just the same way you discard them now: because you occasionally make unpleasant noises.

Now, I do not advocate mandatory participation of children in all family weddings, but the chilren's parents are the only ones qualified to make this choice regarding their children's attendance. Simply because these children are part of them.

Don't think you can do it just because your children won't even notice. They'll get the message all right. I was once excluded from a big family event when I was a child. I did not understand it at the time, but was deeply offended when I analysed the situation a few years later. It's been hurting for 20 years now, and I could never again relate to the person who initiated this. . .

Your sister will still be your sister after all, did I mention? She stands for her daughter's whims. But who will stand for your children's feelings? It's your call! MK

I was also very glad to see the remarks about guests who insist on bringing their latest flames. (Long-time companions are a different matter.) Weddings are not cocktail parties. (Incidentally, for intelligent advice about weddings, see almost any of Miss Manner's books: fascinating bedside stuff, especially if you enjoy reading about the depths to which humans can sink in their quest for ego gratification, status, and gifts.) Melanie