Pre-Wedding Jitters
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Pre-Wedding Jitters
June 2003
Hi there,
After 3 years of dating, 2.5 years living together , and
raising his young children together, my boyfriend and i are
getting married. We are less than a month away and the doubts
are starting to barge in. Help! I assume this is all normal,
but, i need some reasurance from some people who have
expirienced this too. I hear some couples talk about how they
LOVE everything about eachother, that they never argue, and
still have great sex.......these are also friends with no
children, but, is there something really wrong with my
relationship if i CAN state things im not fond of in my husband
to be?
Thanks
on my way to the alter
Couples who never argue? Well, who can say for sure what people
do in the privacy of their own homes! But in my experience - I'm
40-something - you just don't see two people who are exactly in
agreement about every single issue. I do know couples who are
both very mild-mannered and easy going people - I always think
they must have fewer disagreements than the couples where one
or both are hypersensitive or exciteable - but who knows? Then
there are the couples where one of them just represses when there
is disagreement. Not my style, but some of these couples are
long-lasting, so I guess this works for some people. In my case,
I'm contentious and emotional but my husband is placid and mild-
mannered. Thank goodness for him! He has about 45 irritating
qualities (but remember I am easily irritated.) But his good
points are in the 1000's if you give more weight to the important
stuff. So, when I do my daily task of picking up his dirty socks
off the floor and maneuvering around his stacks of books and
magazines, I just *try* to repeat the mantra in my head of those
thousands of good points. We still argue, mostly about his 45
bad things, even though I try really hard to not bring them up.
He either doesn't notice all my bad things or is wiser than I am
about keeping quiet about them. But he is my sunshine and my rock,
so I'd gladly take another 45 irritations or more from him!
- 99% happy
In my opinion, the experience you and your husband-to-be
have by already raising a child together puts your
relationship at a different place than the stereotypical
engaged couple so don't compare yourself to that! Of
course I don't like everything about my husband, but our
marriage is strong because despite our disappointments,
aggravations etc. we are committed to listening, working
and growing together. Ultimately you are the only one who
can make peace with your jitters. Is this really truly what you
want? Do you believe it is the right thing for both of you? Is
a real ''unconditional'' commitment there?
Good Luck!
Listen to your jitters ! Even though you've been together for
5.5 years, being married is a different psychological ballgame
altogether (even if you don't want it to be). Everything that
bothers you now (or that you think will bother you) is going to
bother you a lot more, not less, when you are married. Is there
a big rush ? Is he having some second thoughts, too ? Is there
any way you can postpone in order to ponder this ? I don't
advise anyone to get married who is having any gut-level second
thoughts about the prospect of being married (either to that
person or to marriage in general). I have been happily married
now for 7 years (a second marriage after a decade of being
single), but wish someone had given me this advice before an
early (short) marriage in my 20s. The old saying ''Keep your
eyes wide open before marriage and half-shut after'' is a good
one.
anon
It sounds like you know your soon-to-be spouse very well, so it's
no wonder you can talk about things you don't like about him! I
had known my husband less than 2 years before we married, and
never lived with him, so I guess it's no wonder I had a VERY bad
case of the jitters. I was such a nervous wreck at the wedding
that there is only one photo of me smiling. I still remember it
as the tensist day of my life. In our case, my fears were based
on a fairly significant age difference and personality
incompatibilities. But we had two essential ingredients:
respect and affection, and they have carried us further than
passion (greatly on the wane since our kids came along), shared
interests (we have some, but many that diverge), and a shared
approach to intimacy (we don't have one). If you have respect
and affection, take a deep breath and relax -- and have a blast
at your wedding! I wish I could do mine over.
anon
Yeah, I know how you feel. My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months, and
boy are we scrutinizing eachother more than ever!
So, you have friends who claim they never argue, eh? Well, not to worry,
they're either lying or they're so emotionally fused (and, therefore, afraid to
disagree about anything) that their relationship will eventually blow up on
them, when they can no longer pretend that they are not separate people.
Of *course* there are things about your husband-to-be that you don't like, you
ARE separate people, and marriage isn't going to make you a single, perfectly
functioning *unit* like so many couples I know who try to pretend. I think it's
(at least in part) because Americans get a lot of romantic hooey from popular
media (I always think of that classic sappy pop song that goes ''two hearts,
beat as o-o-one...'' Yeah, right. Or think of just about ANY romantic movie).
My advice is the same I tell everyone I know (and that I've given here before):
buy the book ''Passionate Marriage'' by Dr. David Snarch. He's been a marriage
councelor for 30 or more years and writes engagingly and brilliantly about what
he has learned about relationships and what people can do to have amazing
marriages. His book is inspiring and I wish everyone would read it. Once you
do, you'll know some reason why you're friends may be claiming they ''NEVER
argue.'' (I also think people are relunctant to admit that they have conflict
because they feel that it is a reflection of failure on their parts as people.
They have to be perfect people, and that means they have to have perfect
relationships, and THAT means they can never argue with their partners).
To make a long story longer: I think it's normal when you're about to commit
yourself to some one, presumably for a lifetime, to be looking very hard at
that person- such a big committment is scary.
another bride-to-be
It's hard to give someone advice when one doesn't know the
person at all, even with the information you included. And it
seems to me that the people best to speak with are your family
or very close friends who know both you and your fiance (that's
if you can accept their advice and not hold a grudge if they say
something that you don't necessarily want to hear). However, I
did want to say that I had serious pre-wedding jitters about a
month before we got married and slight jitters a few months
before we got married...and, I wanted to get married! It was
odd to be nervous about it and have ''doubts'' when I was finally
getting my wish. We have been together for a total of 8 years
and have been married for three of those 8 years now. Needless
to say, I went with my gut instincts (which were telling me my
fears/doubts were unfounded) and I am very happily married to
the most wonderful man. So, here goes my ''generic advice'',
albeit rambling. I think it's rare and unrealistic for a person
to love every single thing about their partner. For me, I had
to ask myself what the most important things are to me in a
relationship, things that I didn't want to compromise or back
down from (family values, whether we wanted kids and how many,
honesty, supporting each other's decisions first and foremost
and not doing what our familes wanted us to do just because
that's what they wanted, etc.); and then, what are the things
that annoy me but could live with if the thought of not being
with the person was worse than the annoying trait (not as
physically active as I am, more stay-at-home than myself, less
opinionated than I'm used to, not as handy as I am around the
home, etc.); and finally, what are the things I do love and
appreciate about the person (this list is long). Marriage is a
compromise. I don't believe that there is only one person out
there for each of us; but I do believe that you can choose to
live, and live happily, with one person for the rest of your
life, as long as you compromise and know how to ''pick your
battles''. Sex will not always be great (esp. if and when you
have kids), you will definitely find some annoying habits of
your spouse and you will have some major fights down the road.
But, it's how you choose to deal with all of this and what you
choose to deal with (hopefully you know what these are, before
you get married) that matters ultimately.
Good luck!!!!
anonymous
Quite frankly, I think there is something wrong with people who
CAN'T find any faults with their significant others!! And I
don't know anyone like the couples you mentioned. But then my
friends and I are older and have been married for awhile now, so
we are WAY out of that honeymoon phase. And we all can find
plenty of fault with each other! The secret is how you deal with
those faults. I'm still workin' on it, and I've a feeling its a
lifelong struggle/committment. So I think you are totally
normal, and have a great wedding/marriage!
Hilary
If you can state things you don't like about your fiance, you probably
have a more accurate picture of what he, and your relationship with him,
is like, and you won't have the nasty post-honeymoon awakening period
(or at least not such a severe one) -- that point where couples who are
totally in love with everything about their partner realize that things they
loved while dating are really irritating to live with. That's when people
realize what an effort a relationship really is, and there's a surge in the
divorce rate about then (usually 2-3 years after couples marry).
If your friends say they never argue, they are either lying or they don't
have a clue about each other or their relationship. Arguing in the right
way is healthy; it's impossible to agree about everything, and if you
never argue, you never resolve problems, you just let them fester.
I didn't love everything about my husband when I married him -- I still
don't -- but he's my best friend, a great father, loyal and supportive, and I
doubt I could ever find anyone that I would love as much as I do him --
even if he's never on time and doesn't clean up after himself. ;-)
Karen
I am sure you will get tons of responses so I will be brief.
YEs, it is totally normal to have jitters. And no, you will
NEVER love everything about your partner. That is unrealistic.
I think the challenge and one of the joys of marriage is
learning how to deal with those things you don't love. My
husband and I went to counseling before we got engaged, before
we got married, and after we got married for a tune up. It
takes skills and patience to face all the issues that you have
to deal with in marriage and we found that a little couples
counseling can go a long way. Good luck!
Elizabeth
If you are feeling unsure, put off the wedding while you do some
research. Read some books about choosing a mate and keeping a
relationship going strong. Involve your financee. Maybe
premarital counseling would be good, too. You can get several
books for the cost of one session, with different aproaches and
points of view, but having someone help works better for some
people. Good luck!
Ento
Actually I think you're ''reality-based'' love is pretty usual
(and quite healthy) for a couple who has bee living together for
a while before tying the knot (after all you actually know him
24/7 - you're not just dating!) . The question is - can you live
with the WORST of what you know? Cause you may evolve together or
separately, but he (or you) are unlikely to become totally
different than what either of you are now. I know that when my
husband rather surprised me by wanting to get married (we'd been
living together for a few years) I took time to ask myself ''can I
love him for a lifetime DESPITE what I know about him that I
really don't like? The answer was yes... and its now been 23
years (almost 17 married). We still have times that what we don't
like about each other gets rather difficult to live with (we
probably should try counseling but he's not the type to go to a
third person...) but we always have a core of why we got together
to begin with (we're best friends, similar attitudes toward
money, monogamy, and family, mutual interests/hobbies, and a deep
belief that even if sometimes our relationship is rocky that we
are truly meant for each other - and yes we love each other and
still can feel the pull of being in love as well). And, I do
believe that couples counseling would be a good idea before you
get married. I've admired friends who go to counseling for
''tune-ups'' BEFORE their relationship is rocky.
anonymous
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