Too much plastic junk coming from in-laws; OK to give them a list?

Before our one-year-old was born, I thought we would have all natural toys, no battery-powered stuff, etc. But I was pretty overwhelmed by the reality of taking care of a baby, so I let this slide and he did seem to enjoy the copious amount of plastic junk that came our way (esp. at Christmas and his birthday). But now that things have settled and he is interacting more fully with the toys (ie not just gumming them!) I am looking around and realizing that I don't really like all this plastic junk, I don't like all the stuff that sings and lights up, I don't like the stuff that is interesting only because it has a TV character on it, (that my son doesn't recognize), and we definitely don't want any more DVDs, all of which we have yet to open, as we don't let our baby watch TV. So--what to tell the inlaws who (generously and with much love)provided the above? They already think I am a bit of a loon, as well as a snob, I think, and I am embarrassed to ask for particular gifts. But, the fact is, I am going to give away any more of the types of toys they have been sending, and I don't want them to waste their money. I am thinking of providing a list of cheap to moderately priced things I would like my son to have (from crayons to CDs to books, etc.) Has anyone dealt with this without insulting their family? I hate to imply that I don't approve of their choices, but, frankly, I don't. How to be tactful and kind about this? No plastics or Baby Einstein, please

Do I still get all the plasticky stuff? Yes. Do I have to cull the herd, so to speak? Yes. Is it a waste, yes, but not worth creating bad feelings over. Babies, remember, change a lot in the first few years so any interest in most toys will be fleeting...even the expensive ones YOU want your kids to have.

That said, etiquettely, you should accept all gifts graciously (it's the thought, not the gift that counts). Say thank you, send a thank you note (a lot of times, the in laws seem to like the thank you note most of all). After that. it's all up to providence. You'll find as your baby gets older, he/she will be making their own decisions about what they like and don't like and it may not agree with YOUR ideas of what is good.

Here's another antidote: Before I had kids of my own, I wanted to be this way cool Aunt so I'd make a big deal about getting gifts for my niece and nephew that were not the cheap plasticky stuff. I'd do research and choose carefully. I got them some cool stuff, I think. things that would last. I would get polite thank yous and when I went to their house, I never saw them playing with the stuff i got them. Then, one year, I was lazy so I got my nephew a talking bowling set that was totally loud and plasticky and I got my neice some Barbie doll thing. They were the cheapest most base gifts I ever got them and they called me...CALLED ME... just GUSHING over the toys and I got these lovely thank you notes. I was kinda miffed. But, they have their own ideas. Showed me up! anon

First off, it sounds like your in-laws are very well meaning. Could your husband approach them with a casual 'we are trying to keep Christmas (birthday, Halloween, Veteran's Day) really low key this year...' then after 'reading' them, launch into maybe a contribution to the 529 would be in order (my in-laws like to buy savings bonds) or purchase one of our preselected gifts? If they aren't interested, then they aren't interested. You can't control what someone chooses to give your child, but you can try to influence it.

My husband and I each had this conversation with our own parents after our older daughter turned one. Now, my in-laws don't get the girls anything except for savings bonds. My parents are gift buyers, but will run their ideas for the 'big' presents by me first. There is usually a little 'junk,' but I don't really care. The girls are usually interested in 'raccoon' toys (bright shiny objects) for about 15 minutes before they move on to Mr. Potato head (it is plastic, but does a great job developing fine motor skills and stretching the imagination.) I don't even worry about what my other relatives send. I can get away with opening these things when they come in the mail six weeks late (it's the thought that counts) If I don't like it, I re-gift it to someone who appreciates different things or send off to a charity sale.

Hope this helps. -been there

The more you can emphasize what Junior's habits are (loves trains and balls, doesn't watch tv and dvds, for example), what he's doing developmentally (learning to walk so push toys are good), and things you DO like (wood toys) rather than what you don't want, the better

Sis-in-law returned my gift; the store credited *me* - now what?

I bought my sister-in-law a purse for Christmas at Nordstroms. She is notoriously hard to shop for, which is part of the reason I bought something from Nordstrom - they have a great return policy; if she didn't like it, she could get something else. Not surprisingly, she took the purse back. The only problem is that Nordstorms credited MY credit card. I'm sure they/she meant to credit one of her cards. Do I pretend I don't know that she took it back? Should I send her something else? I was thinking I might send her a gift certificate to Nordstroms or the only other place I know she likes (Starbucks), ''just because'' in the exact amount of the credit. Is that too passive-aggressive?
not usually a fan of gift certificates

It really can be hard to shop for some people. The key phrase in your post is that you bought the purse at Nordstroms so she'd have an easy time returning it. I'd suggest you try to laugh about it with your sister-in-law. She must know she's hard to shop for, and there's really nothing wrong with that (unless she's insulting about other people's choices). Anyway, call her up, have a good laugh, then send her a gift certificate. Maybe you should make it an American Express gift card so that she can shop anywhere she wants! ---in line at customer returns

They don't appreciate my gifts

I'm interested to know what do you give people that do not appreciate your gifts? They either re-gift, or put them away and never use them. I always try to make the effort to think what is it that they will probably like, but it seems to me that they don't care. For that matter, I'm curious to read your ideas for gifts for a 60-ish year old woman who is into organic and earthy things. Thanks anon

Another great option is gardening items like: seeds, pruners, trowels, pretty pots, plants, etc. My older friends particulary like the long handled gardening tools which make gardening more pleasant for them.

If all this fails, there are always gift certificates at places they like to shop. Even movie theaters sell gift certificates and these are often very appreciated. The other option is anon

How to stop Grandma from sending clothes that we can't use?

I have a 5 1/2 month old daughter and a mother-in-law that lives on the East coast. Despite the fact that she knows and has acknowledged numerous times that we have tons of clothes for our daughter (most of it was inherited from a cousin) she continues (even though she says she is not going to get anything anymore as she has seen the extensive wardrobe) to send clothes. It's not that I like or dislike the clothes, but she send things that we can never wear, i.e. sends summer things that would only fit her in the winter or inappropriate for our weather in general, or sends clothes that are clearly the wrong size (she just sent a bunch of stuff sized 3-6 months even though my daughter is 5 1/2 months old) or sends Christmas clothes even though we have told her we are raising our daughter Jewish (I'm not even going to address this one).

I have tried to be very gracious and thankful, and in the very nicest way possible try to explain the issue with the size and ask her if it is OK to send them back so she can get another size (what I'd really like to say is take this crap back and send a check for her college fund - but I don't). I should add she also shops exclusively at a department store we do not have here, and spends a lot of money, and it is money she really doesn't have. I have also tried telling her that we would rather her take the money and put it towards a plane ticket so she could actually spend time with her granddaughter. My mother and sister-in-law think I am being offensive and I should just say thank you, squeeze her into the ridiculous stuff, take a picture and send it to her, and then get rid of the stuff. This seems so wasteful and phony to me I can't bring myself to do it. My husband is mostly annoyed that she really can't afford it and we don't need it. He has spoken to her as well, but not as directly as myself (he comes from a family where they never return stuff - they just chalk it up to another gift they'll never wear). I am so frustrated I can barely contain myself. I would love some suggestions as to what others have done in similar situation or advise.

As soon as a gift from your mother in law arrives, write a very nice, genuine thank you on nice paper, thanking her for the feelings the gift expresses ("thank you for thinking of our little one" or similar), and thanking her for whatever is good about it (if it happens to be the right size, or a nice color, or whatever you want to encourage). Then I'd be honest and say that it's such a shame it is a little too small (or too wintery or she just has too many already) but that it will make a very nice new jacket (or whatever) for a less fortunate baby, so you are donating it to a shelter (or charity of your choice) in your daughter's name.

That way she knows you realize the gift is an expression of her love, she may learn which things you like/can use (or she may not), and she knows what happened to it. If she doesn't like spending her money on gifts that go to charity, she can chose to do something different. I would under no circumstances say anything about her ability to afford these gifts.

Another approach you could also try is to suggest ahead of time what type of thing your baby does need, giving the excuse that you feel so badly when she so lovingly choses something so very nice that you unfortunately can't use and that you want her generous gifts to be things your daughter can get the most use out of.

Just a thought... I hope someone gives you the answer that works for you! - Charis

ps I'm curious, why isn't your husband the one handling this -- its his mom and you sound like he's less upset by it.

2) If you know which store it is, maybe you could return them anyway without a receipt. On-line return/exchange/shopping?

3) Save them as gifts for other friends, or if you will have another child someday. Used clothing stores probably do trades with you if your stuff is new, especially.

4) Her money is hers: Unless she is dependent on you financially, stay out of it. Josh

This used to drive me crazy. My husband didn't really want to say anything to his Mom. She means well. Her other grandkids live near her and I think she just wants to keep things equal. Plus, she's a very stubborn old woman and I doubt that our suggestions would not change her behavior.

So I'd just send a thank you note and try to sell what I could at a resale shop or donate it. Now that she is 81 years old, she doesn't get around like she used to. The last few years she has written me a card with a check enclosed and asks if I would mind shopping for her. She's always apologetic and thanks me up and down for helping her. I love it now that I can get my kids some things they really need and I take pictures of them wearing or playing with what I buy. The kids think Gramma sends it!

I guess my story could boil down to picking my battles. I'd rather not fight with my kids about what to wear, but will try to get them to understand why they need to send a thank you note when they get a present. I never told my mother-in-law what to send as a gift but when we visit her in Chicago and she starts mouthing off her prejudicial slurs about race, religion and ethnic varieties in the neighborhood, I tell her we teach our children about diversity in the world and please don't use that language in front of them or me. Hope this helps. I sure feel better! Anonymous

My "credentials" in this matter - Our family is Jewish, my in-laws are Christians. After 14 years and a bar mitzvah, we still get Easter baskets and advent calendars and find them amusing and sweet. My own father has never sent as much as a bithday card to any of his 8 grandchildren. Once, when I was a "starving student" and didn't have my rent, my mother sent me her not-so-old mink jacket as a "gift." I sold it and had enough left over for groceries. I told her about 15 years later.

Please post anonymously (for the sake of the grandparents....)

And while I , too, would dearly love those checks to go to my kids' college funds, or special field trips when we visit, I've just decided to work on being grateful. I felt this most poignantly during Christmas, when the piles of boxes began arriving from the East Coast and I realized that my parents could very well be dead in ten years. So I've been trying to acknowledge their generosity--and the love behind it--both to myself and to them.

As for the STUFF--I keep what is useful and I consign what is not. I use the money from the consigning to buy what we really need or some little dolly or toy I think my children would appreciate. What I can't consign, I donate to charity and consider it a gift from my mom.

The other sad fact is that as our parents age, they often become clueless. I suspect I'll be clueless in thirty years, too; I hope my children will be kind to me. Anonymous

On a practical level, though, I have had some success with the strategy that was suggested by "anonymous shopper." This Christmas, I cut out pictures from newspaper ads and toy catalogs and mailed them to the less in-touch relatives. They seemed to enjoy the challenge of tracking down the toys, and my kids got gifts that they liked and which were age appropriate instead of yet another mechanized piggy bank. Elizabeth

I think what really "gets" me is this: What I really want in a gift is to know the giver cares about me. An ideal gift is something that reflects both the giver and the recipient. That means the giver realizes that we are different individuals and finds something that shows they thought about the recipient. When I used to get a box full of useless clothes, I felt like I was receiving the products of my in-laws' egos being gratified without any reference to me or their grandchildren.

Time has solved my problem. My husband's grandmother died, and I do miss her. His parents are getting very elderly and have moved into the sending-a-check stage of gift-giving. I do hope I remember all this when I am a mother-in-law and a gramma. If I can't manage to find things they really will want, I'll send a check. Anonymous

It is hard to be long distance, and it seems that giving presents is their way of dealing with their frustration about being so far from their precious grandchildren. I think it helps to deal with the real issue, distance, not the symptom, the expensive presents, and find ways to overcome the distance barrier so that presents don't become such a loaded thing. The other interesting thing that came out with my mother-in-law was the competition thing. It was clear she felt she had to compete with my mother for the kids attention and affection and time, and presents were the way she was going to do it. (And I know she feels like she has to compete with me for the kids attention...she used to get offended when the kids, as babies, preferred me to her!) But that's another story...

Overall, it has improved...my mother in law will contribute to a big present (e.g., bike) and send a smaller one separately, my mom does something with the kids when she's here, and my birthmom sends small presents, usually consumables like art supplies. When the occasional bad one comes through, I just move it along and don't worry about it as much. At least I've tried to create a better space for everyone around this issue. (P.S., when cleaning closets last week, I found an old present from the big year hidden away...oops! Just donated that one too!) Good luck! Anonymous, thanks.