Requesting "No Gifts Please"
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June 2007
Hi,
My son's 1st birthday is coming up next month. Against our better
judgment, we're planning on having a large party, mainly because
I have a lot of extended family in the area who have only met our
son once or twice (some, not at all).
Anyway, for my baby shower last year (also a huge event), I ended
up getting so much stuff that I really didn't need (way more
beyond what I registered for). I ended up returning many things,
donating quite a bit to charities, and trying to cram the rest
into drawers and closets in our small-ish home, hoping I'd one
day use them. Christmas was also like this.
I really do appreciate my family's largesse; however, I don't
want the same thing to happen for my son's birthday. We have so
many things already, and as I mentioned before, our house is on
the smaller side. I can't even imagine where we'd put all the
gifts my son would get for his birthday. Also, some of my family
are not that well-off, and I'd hate for them to spend their
hard-earned money on things for our son that he may not use.
My question is, is it rude to say on an invitation that we'd
rather not get any gifts? Also, what is the best way to word this
to avoid hurt feelings, etc? I realize we'll probably get some
things anyway, but if we can write something on the invite, maybe
we can avoid the avalanche o' stuff we don't need.
Thanks in advance for any and all advice.
Too Much Stuff!
I think it is perfectly acceptable to write ''no gifts, please''
or ''your presence is the only present we want!'' on the birthday
invitation. We did that for our son's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthday
parties.
Leila
At least in the circles I travel in, it is fine and not
uncommon to include a line on the invitation that says ''No
gifts please--your presence is your present.'' And yes, you get
gifts anyway, but at least you have floated the option in a
gracious way. Another way to re-emphasize the point would be to
include something like ''we'll be making a First Birthday memory
book for baby, so cards, photos, poems or blessings are
welcome.'' That gives people who want to contribute something a
non-bulky way to celebrate the day with you.
Enjoyed Our Baby's Big 1st Bday Party
YES! You can absolutely say no gifts please. Some suggestions: ''The gift
of your
presence is present enough! No gifts, please.'' or ''No gifts necessary.''
or ''gifts
optional'' Now here is an interesting question--can you ask for a donation
to a
college fund? 'In lieu of a gift, please feel free to make a contribution
to Johnny's
college fund at_____'' If most of these people are related to you--it may
be possible!
What do other people think about the college fund idea?
Too many gifts no good
My son's first birthday is this weekend and I wrote on the
invitation: Please celebrate with us... (No gifts, please.)
I think this is perfectly acceptable. I like that people don't
feel like the party is an opportunity for us to rake in the
presents, and I've been to a lot of parties where I've felt
guilty for not bringing a big enough or clever enough gift. It's
just not about presents for us and our one-year-old certainly
doesn't care one way or the other.
anon
I hope it's okay to ask for no gifts because we did the same
thing! We wrote a simple ''no gifts please'' on the invitation.
We did still get some stuff, but not nearly the volume or
requiring the same fanfare as we would have. We felt like we
wanted the birthday to be a celebration, our baby didn't know
what to do with gifts so it wouldn't be fun to watch them be
opened, and she was sort of in between toys developmentally and
more worried about walking/running/exploring... which is free!
too much stuff too.
This is it. There are too many presents for the wedding, presents for the
baby
shower, presents for the first birthday. Then they peter out, even from
people who
love you and love your child deeply. Seriously, birthday 2 on up it is a
whole
different ball game. I don't entirely understand it, but that is the way
it is in my
experience and my friends' experience. I vote for smiling, writing thank
yous one
last time, then sigh with relief. Children's Hospital is a great place to
donate extras.
This too shall pass.
We did exactly that. On the bottom of the invitation, in small
italics, we wrote ''no gifts, please''. Don't know if others
thought it rude, but nobody said anything. If memory serves (17
years later), we did that for both 1 and 2-year birthdays, but
relented by 3.
R.K.
One of our friends found the perfect solution to the first
birthday gift dilemma: They asked everyone to bring a wish,
poem, kind thought, blessing, favorite memory, etc. for the kid,
to be put into a scrapbook for him. It made people feel like
they were still bringing something, which I think is one of the
reasons people bring gifts even when you say not to (which is
fine to say, btw -- I don't think anyone will be offended. We
did it for our son's first bday, and most people respected it,
or brought something simple, like fresh strawberries or a
homemade gift.) For older kids, we've had friends ask that we
bring a book to donate to a charity, or a plant for their
garden, things like that.
Wish I Was as Clever as My Friends
Saying ''no gifts please'' is against official rules of
etiquette, so I guess it depends on whether or not you care
about that. We did this for our daughter's first birthday
party because we had two older kids and lots of cousins that
handed down everything (clothes, toys, books) and we did not
need or want lots MORE stuff. Of course our daughter has
absolutely no memory of that day so she does not feel cheated
and we asked people who really wanted to spend money for the
occasion to please donate to their favorite charity. It was win-
win as far as I am concerned!
--Enough Already
We are in the same position and have found that ''No gifts, thank
you'' works best. At first I was considering ''No gifts, please,''
but the ''thank you'' is more polite, I think. You will, of
course, still receive some gifts, but it is nice for your
invitees to feel as though you want them there to celebrate and
not just for the gift they might bring. Happy 1st Birthday!
gift-free and happy :)
People want to give something - Here's what you ask for:
Ask everyone to bring two letters to your child's 1st birthday.
This is there gift. The first letter should be an experience
they have had with the child during this great first year. It
could be about the birth, or the first time they pulled to stand
up using the table or the messy cereal, whatever.
The second letter is some piece of wisdom to pass on to the
child as they grow older. The piece of wisdom could be about how
to ride a bicycle, choose a life partner or learn to swim.
Let the participants know that you will put them in a book that
your child can use for years to come.
The Best Gift My Child Ever Received was Wisdom
I think it's all right. It's about having them there to honor your son,
not to have them
give him gifts. One way to say it is, on the bottom of the invitation
''Please, your
presence, but no presents.''
Anna
How about saying, ''Please no gifts. Instead bring a favorite
dish to share.''
Or ''...Instead bring your camera to help us take pictures of
this memorable event.''
Or ''...Instead please bring a letter to (baby) so we can make a
treasured book for (baby).''
Or ''...Instead please bring a blanket for a blanket drive for
homeless families.''
Or ''...Your presence is presents enough!''
Or ''...Instead consider making a donation to (fave charity) in
(baby's) name.''
I, for one, LOVE when invitations say NO GIFTS! It beats the
hassle of trying to figure out what ''the parents'' will like!
lisa
At my child's first birthday, she was given much too much. I
actually didn't have your forethought to realize that 50 plus
guests = that number of presents! I felt sheepish and overwhelmed
as my child lost interest after two presents and I spent a great
deal of time opening the rest of them.
For my daughter's second birthday party, I had a much
smaller affair. I wrote on the invitation, ''Your presence is
present enough.'' Still, practically everyone gave us a gift. I'm
of the mind now that people really enjoy giving things. After
I've politely requested that they refrain, I feel I would be
spending precious energy to micromanage people if I went beyond
that request.
The key difference between the two birthday events is the
small number of people that I invited this time around. Five
presents is much more reasonable than fifty. Another choice I
made was not to open any of the gifts at the party. And I had a
good excuse: The party was only two hours long and we just didn't
have time. The first birthday is unique...the rest of the
birthdays will probably be much more manageable. Politely request
no gifts. Then prepare yourself (WITHOUT GUILT) to take the
excess to a charity where it will certainly be appreciated.
Kari
Hello,
I don't know how helpful this can be but I just think it's a
fantastic idea and can perhaps alleviate some of your
concerns. I was watching a morning show a few months back
where one of the co-host had the same situation as you. By
asking for no gifts she just put information for donation to a
charitable organization (children's organization or
something). I don't know exactly what one would put in such an
invitation but it can be along the lines of ''We are indubitably
greatful to have such caring and wonderful friends and family.
For our son’s birthday, we would like to share our good fortune
with those in need. In place of a birthday gift for junior
(?), please make a donation (of your preference) to... such and
such organization. Thank you in advance for your
thoughtfulness as kindness is your greatest gift to us (pretty
sappy but maybe something along those lines).'' You can maybe
even add a quote at the end. The donation could be a toy or
money of any amount - this can accomplish many things: your
son can avoid getting gifts he doesn't need, the donation can
go to a good cause, family members who are not well off can
donate within their means and you would save alot of space in
your home. Despite what etiquette is used in your invitation,
I think (if you consider doing this)the thoughtfulness
associated with giving others in need are enough for your
guests to not be offended by the ''no gift'' rule. Best of luck
to you.
Anon
It's certainly not rude to say no presents! In my mind, it's
polite. And, I think a good, simple, light-hearted way to
convey this is to say ''No presents, just your presence!'' or to
write a short line saying: ''Please no gifts. You have blessed
us all overwhelmingly in this past year so we really want this
to be OUR thank-you gift to you!''
Warning: some people will bring gifts anyways and say ''I know
you said no presents, but...'' which is great. But try to keep
these out of view (don't make a big stack or table of them!)
and don't open in front of everyone. There's nothing worse
than not bringing something because it said ''no presents'' then
watching as the mom and kid open a pile of presents!
Ben There
We did that for my younger child's first birthday and it seemed
that most people were very happy to oblige! If people really
feel the need/desire to bring a gift, they'll do so and you
should graciously accept it. Another option would be to make it
potluck so that if people really want to bring something, they
can bring food.
Also have too much stuff!
How 'bout ''in lieu of your generous gifts, we'd love you to send a gift
in Johnny's
name
to Blank Charity.''
-the givers may like doing this?
I think it is absolutely OK to request no gifts. We did so for our son's
first birthday.
I
think we used the line, ''No gifts, please, just the pleasure of your
company.'' It
really
was all that we (and he!) wanted.
Happy without gifts
Yes, it's fine. I completely agree with you about all the
stuff. We've been trying to get family to be ''less generous'' as
I end up donating perfectly good toys for lack of space. It's
crazy! However, I think you really need to be politely firm in
your message to friends/family. The first time I had a ''no
presents'' party, everybody except 1-2 people still brought
something. Next time I do this, I think I need to add more
details like we don't need anything and we don't have room for
more things! Good luck.
Can't we just skip the presents?
Nov 2005
I am the mom of a happy 2 1/2 year old who I've been trying to
raise in a non stuff-crazy way, i.e. for her birthday parties we
ask the other kids to not bring presents and i don't get her a
lot of toys or other things she doesn't need.
However I'm in a quandry about what to do about gifts in two
different circumstances:
1. Other kid's birthdays. I don't want her to show up to other
kid's parties without a gift (my mama did raise me right) but it
seems to be sending an odd message-that we give gifts but don't
receive them. I'm wondering if others have found a middle ground
on this. Making something (she's only 2 after all and I am not
very crafty), bringing a toy of hers she'd like to give to the
birthday kid?
2. My mom and Christmas. My mom loves, loves, loves getting
everyone too many gifts and all the unwrapping ooing and ahhing
that goes with it. I (as you may guess) totally hate this but i
do love my mom. I've tried to set some limits with the volume of
gifts she can give my daughter but i can't really tell her what
she can give everyone else. Nor do i want to put my kid in a
situation where she gets a book and a pair of pjs while others
seem to have cleaned out entire department stores. Suggestions?
Help?
Thanks so much,
non-materialistic mama
I'm right there with you! Our small house plays an extra factor in
needing to limit the amount of ''stuff'' that comes in.
My compromises so far - I take a book as a gift to other birthday
parties. I figure it's small, generally not expensive, and promotes
reading. As for the grandmother's, I've tasked them with buying clothes
for the kids. I literally buy no clothes for either of my kids. Their
grandmothers keep them well-clothed with birthday, Christmas, and other
random gifts of clothing. Then I give my mom a very carefully selected
short list of 1-3 toys per kid at Christmas that she shares with other
family members. Books and art supplies are more likely to gain my
approval!
It's working ok so far, but my son will be 4 soon. We've asked for no
gifts at past birthday parties, but it will take a little more work this
time around.
Another non-materialistic mama
I had to respond to this one. We have the same problem. Not so much
with the gift issue, but with trying to raise our 3-year-old son to not
be an ''overconsumer'' in an overconsuming culture, with grandparents
who LOOOOOVE to shop for kids things.
For other people's gifts, we have him give something of his own, or we
make something.
For his 3rd birthday, we asked people not to bring gifts, or to make
something rather than buy something. It didn't work - people LOVE to
buy nice gifts for an appreciative 3 year old, and he ended up
completely overwhelmed with gifts, and really into all the gifts as well
(to our horror - but I think we were too idealistic).
The bigger issue for us is my mom, who cannot not shop. I say bluntly
to her: we don't need anything - don't get tons of stuff. I complain to
her about when other people (like my grandmother) give us mountains of
things, and my mother commiserates with me, but goes ahead and buys tons
of things. Nothing dissuades the woman. Our solution so far has been
to actively, with our son, donate a big chunk of what we get, and talk
about how lots of people don't have what they need, lots of kids don't
get many toys, and the fact that we have all these toys and clothes
means we should give what we don't need away.
I think the bigger issue, which we'll be dealing with more as our son
gets older, is that we have a difference of culture. My partner and I
are trying to cultivate a culture of non-consumption as an ethical,
moral decision. My parents don't have any understanding of the issue as
an ethical one - for them it's about how much they love to get things
for him, and there can never be too much. Unfortunately conversations
with them about this as an ethical choice are difficult, because they
are sensitive to criticism, and this implies a criticism of them.
Anyway, if you can, I would encourage you to talk to your mom about the
reasons behind wanting her to get less stuff. Even if you can't, I
think the real solution is to always talk to your daughter about your
own ethics in this issue, regardless of how much stuff she gets for the
holidays. I agree that it would be hard on her to get only a few gifts
when everyone else gets a lot - I've seen that backfire, and turn kids
into BIG materialists. Like anything else (sugar, alcohol), being too
restrictive can cause kids to rebel. But if their ethical upbringing is
consistent, they will be alright.
Jen
The other day I was on Babycenter's bulletin board for kids born the
same month as my son, and someone posted asking what everyone was
getting their kids for Xmas... you would not believe the sheer amount of
stuff they were getting an 18 month old!! I felt almost guilty for being
a small gifting mom... out of necessity as well as out of prinicple. I
wouldn't worry about the mixed messages over bringing gifts to a party,
children should learn to give without the expectation of reciprocation.
however, I have never gone so far as to limit the gifts that other
people get my son. If, twice a year, my family or friends want to ooh
and aah over ''things'', I wouldn't worry too much about the potential
side effects for my child.
Remember that it makes people feel good to shop for others and give
gifts... as your child gets older you could always, as I plan on doing,
take a certain amount of gifts and donate them to needy children. that
way your child learns how to recieve things with graditude and how to
graciously decide that someone else needs this or that thing more...
just my thoughts. Good Luck...
Sarah
I think if you want your daughter to non-materialistic you should allow
her lots of gifts and don't make an issue of it. Then she won't have to
rebel against you, and have lots of stuff when she's an adult.
muriel
While I admire you for not bringing up your child in a material world, I
don't think that necessarily means ''no gifts.'' Etiquette rules say
that you shouldn't dictate to guests to a party or wedding what or if
they should or should not give gifts. I think it might be more important
to teach your daughter that all gifts from others should be appreciated
but not expected and that giving a gift is a good thing.
Unfortunately, in our society, it isn't the gift giving and getting
that's a problem, but the DEMANDING of the gifts, the type of gift, the
re-gifting, the attitude, the lack of respect and appreciation that is
more of the problem.
That said, when your daughter is invited to a party, purchases a simple,
age appropriate gift. It does not have to be ellaborate or expensive.
Just teach her that it can be nice gesture to give. Or, make something.
As for receiving, my mother is also one of those people who loves to buy
gifts. She sends my son gifts when his other cousins have birthdays, for
every holiday. It's a bit ridiculous. But, hey, it makes her happy. I
just try and keep it under some control and will teach my son to be
gracious but not to expect them.
But, while I don't consider myself to be overly materialistic, I too
love giving little presents. I give plants, organic things, things I've
made, interesting pieces of art. Cards. A copy of a poem that fits the
occastion. For kids, I try to select wooden toys, non commercial, overly
plasticky gifts.
Good luck navigating the material world.
Giftee/Gifter
I am not materialistic either but define it in a different way.
I find things and tools very helpful to create something new. I also
don't like to spend much money on anything, because we don't have it and
because it is unnecessary. But what is so bad about receiving a gift
from someone? Do you object that care and love is occasionally
expressed/manifested in an item which will make you remember the giver
fondly or do you object to the items that are given? I always insert a
special sheet in birthday invitations what kinds of gifts we would like
or not. (i.e. yes to art supplies & craft projects, but please no barbie
dolls). If your child gets invited to a birthday party, please bring a
gift or don't even go. I always call to RSVP and make sure I talk in
person to the parents and try to find out/balance what an appropriate
gift would be for the child and what I am willing to buy. It can be done
sooo smoothly. And why don't you let your mom buy items that you would
need to buy for your child anyway or let her give you the money and you
get them? I don't know what you mean by you being raised the right way.
My world is not divided in right or wrong. This issue is only as
complicated as you choose to make it.
another non-materialistic mom
Rather than giving used, handed-down gifts to your child's friends,
encourage your child to make simple handmade gifts, or a personalized
handmade cards or letters to her friends as birthday gifts.
Just a suggestion
There are books on what is called Love Languages and Gifts is one of the
five. (Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Words of
Affirmation) I respect your intent in a materialistic world. I just
want you to remember that people like your mom feel loved and express
love through gift giving. Having the conversation about your preferred
way to be loved, like doing things together (quality time) is a way to
respect both. How about passes to the zoo or children's musuem? Going
somewhere to do artwork or play. Cards and gifts that are made are
always wonderful!!!!!!!! Help your child identify the love languages of
others so she can give what they would most appreciate. Some kids just
appreciate you being there, or a kind word, a hug, or anything wrapped
in a box. I think the tradition of gift giving can still be valuable,
but not by buying expensive gifts. It is about being a thoughtful,
caring, generous, human being.
Michelle
I try very hard to make special occasions not all about gifts, too, but
really, it's fun to get things, and if my parents want to give gifts to
my kids, I try to indulge them. Regarding your mom, maybe you could
keep some of the gifts for later, and give them throughout the year? I
remember when my daughter was two, my parents got her a bunch of stuff
for Christmas, and she just stopped opening things after a while! She
got tired of it. When they saw that, they scaled back considerably. If
too much stuff is given while we're at their house, then lots of it will
stay at their house (makes travel easier, too, because there are always
toys at Grandma and Grandpa's!).
For birthday parties, we always give books. My daughter enjoys picking
out books for her friends, we give her books as gifts, and it means a
lot to her to give meaningful things to her special friends.
For her birthday, we only invite a couple of friends out for special
activities, so any gifts are minimal. We don't do big parties. She
does get things from family, and we compensate by only getting her one
thing from us (usually a book). When she outgrows toys, we donate them,
and talk about the kids who will get to play with her old toys, now that
she's done with them. For the holidays, we talk a lot about what she
will be giving her family and friends, and especially talk about what
they would like, and why we give gifts to special people. I guess we
try to mitigate the "gimme" complex by modeling giving as best we can.
Hope this helps. It's hard, I know.
Donna
I don't have a great answer for #1 (bringing gifts to other kids'
birthday's), but I struggled with #2 with my own mother. Although we do
have some gifts in our household, my mom equates money/gifting with
affection. I didn't want her spoiling/buying my kids. I never wanted
my kids to greet her by looking behind her back to see what she brought
them. And, we have too much stuff as it is. So I made the following
rule (perhaps a variation of it will work for you): My parents can buy
each one of my kids 3 presents per year. They can split it out any way
they want - say, 2 at Christmas and 1 at birthday - but the limit is 3.
Period.
Of course, the first Christmas was the hardest. When my parents arrived
at my house for our family celebrations, I saw that their trunk was
loaded with gifts. So I helped them select which gifts were coming in.
The rest stayed in the car.
Boy...was she mad, but the benefit has been substantial. My mother was
forced to create a relationship with my kids that didn't involve
bribery. She now makes sure she is well-stocked with activities and
games they can do together when she visits.
She started purchasing for herself the same books that are in my kids'
library and she now calls them once a week to read with them over the
phone. She involves them in her scrapbooking activities, and her
cooking, and so-on.
Taking away over-gifting has helped her become the kind of grandmother
that she wanted to be...one that is in relation with her grandkids. And
my kids have a pure and genuine love for her. And I have less stuff to
pick up each night. ;-)
Hope this idea helps you. I can't wait to read the other responses.
Best,
Been there...or close to it
I feel your pain with the grandmas, but I'd try to put yourself in the
shoes of others when dealing with gifts for your child's friends.
There's nothing wrong with a healthy, non-competative gift exchange
between friends. A small, hopefully meaningful, gift is a classic way to
symbolize affection.
Many cultures rely heavily on this kind of exchange for mutual aid. I
think the problem comes along when people, especially grandmas, seem to
be either competeing with gifts for favor of the reciever, or when gifts
seem to be standing in for, rather than symbolizing love and time spent
together. (As a few others mentioned, too many gifts are overwhelming
and spoil the fun. If you can stand/direct their choice in clothes ask
grandmas for clothes for the kids). So, for other kids, just buy a
simple book or very small toy that you think is nice, not extravagent.
This way the friend will be able to accept the jesture of friendship,
without feeling that you are owed something in the future. As you know
from having a small kid, its surprising the small things that they
treasure.
Unless its mututally agreed by the parents before-hand, I wouldn't give
a used gift because this can be socially akward for your child, if the
other parents/kids don't understand.
anon
Just one more thought on this topic that I didn't see previously. My
son will be three in December, and we plan to ask birthday party guests
to bring gifts appropriate for donation to a charity. We haven't chosen
the charity yet, but it will probably be a local women's shelter. I
will contact the charity to see what it needs/wants, and include the
details with the birthday party invitation. I already talked to my son
about this, and he is on board with the idea (at least in theory).
Same Dilemma
Hi! I think this is relatively easy to address. You should deal with
it kind of like religious differences- explain to your child that we do
X and other people do Y. So, we're taking a gift to their party because
that's what this family does but we don't do gifts at our parties
because ......
However, as your daughter gets older, she'll quickly get wise to what's
going on with others and definitely could feel slighted.
So, I do this....one toy in, one toy out for donation. Use those gifts
as an opportunity to pass along your good fortune.
I would absolutely, absolutely not stop your mother (or anyone) from
giving gifts, even lots of them. You can easily manage what you do with
the gifts once they are in your care. There are so many ways to use
that stuff to do good for others, so let your mom get her fix, let your
daughter connect to her, and then you teach the values- not unlike what
you would do with any other inappropriate gift that you would receive.
People give the gifts because they love you and your daughter- don't
reject that love, just figure out how to pass it along!
changing the world one toy at a time
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